Tuesday, August 28, 2007

"And I'm sitting here reading don't kill myself books."


It is tough in the streets, the streets around and inside of Owen Wilson’s gated mansion. Two nights ago Owens was hospitalized and rumers started to float around that he attempted to kill himself. Owen Wilson (the odd nosed brother) apparently over dosed on pain pills and slit his wrists. He is currently in stable condition and is getting treatment. He has not confirmed or denied the suicide roomer but he issued a statement:

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

Suicide is never a funny topic, but in this case it is really really close to being funny. You know what I would do if I was a millionaire, that was doing hot chicks, acting in movies, NOT working in an office everyday slowly getting cancer from florescent lighting. I would defiantly kill myself. I would be way to sweet for this world and I would need to move on… wait a minute, no I wouldn’t I would… live, spend money, do chicks, and eat pizza.

Maybe he was really depressed and that brought about this cry for help. Hasn’t he ever heard of buying happiness? What you do is place a 100 dollar bill out of your fly and wait. Bam happiness. You could fly to New Zealand and go surfing and spelunking and have fun but really learn a lot about yourself. Bam happiness. You can pay someone to pick out all the brown cereal in Lucky Charms so you are left with only marshmallows. Bam happiness.

5 comments:

Kramer said...

I completely completely completely agree. Shit he could even afford to do enough drugs to not overdose and be happy.

Johnny McNugget said...

You know your wayyyy too rich when you try to commit suicide and the reasoning behind it has nothing to do with your hideous schnoz.

Pol Pot said...

yo this site is shit. it's not funny and i bet nobody cares about any of these stories. thanks for making me waste precious time i could have dedicated to porn. i hope you have disabled kids some day.

Loki said...

pol pot, unfortunately your hope came true the day i f*cked your mother. you wouldn't know funny if it came in your hair.

Mr. Book said...

This just in. "Owen Wilson did, in fact attempt to commit suicide," said Wilson's spokesperson, Emma Jones. "We have it on good authority that he watch Zoolander, Shanghai Noon, You, Me, and Dupree, and the Wedding Crashers, and upon seeing himself on screen, decided to end it all for the good of humanity." Now, I'd have to agree. He is a terrible actor that plays the same character in every movie he's in, and he has the same voice and delivery no matter who he's playing. The bastard can't act. He gets millions to read lines. Kill yourself. (Finally, somebody listens).