Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Keep Your Hi-C Covered When I'm Playing With My Aqua Dots!!!




Aqua Dots, also known in Australia as Bindeez, were recently named the toy of the year at an Australian toy industry function. Aqua Dots are beads that can be arranged in fun patterns and when sprayed with water will fuse together.

Personally, I love Aqua Dots, although I prefer calling them Bindeez. They even serve a dual purpose! My first order of Bindeez buziness is to arrange them into crazy designs (like the Easter Bunny giving it to the Tooth Fairy with a carrot strap-on) - the ladies LOVE that shit!

Hear me out on my second point...that is at least read through the end of the paragraph before you judge me. The second order or Bindeez buziness is that when they are ingested, they release a chemical known as gamma hydroxy butyrate - which is a commonly used date rape drug, which is why Spin Master Toys debated between naming their revolutionary product "Bindeez" or "Roofeez". Date rape drugs do serve one very important purpose - and that is they can be soaked in water with an Altoid and be sold to rich kids as Ecstasy. Yeah...those dumb little bastards have nothing better to do than eating craft beads...just like me when I was a kid. Wait - no, that was glue.

Well, now that the word is out, I guess it's back on the celibacy bus for me!


Ed note: The above was all written in jest and irony. Date rape and producing toys that cause comas, seizures, and death are fucked up.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Sorry, no new post today for me.

I am viciously hung over right now and quite frankly… I don’t care about your thirst for new posts. Honestly, just don’t care. My head is killing me and my stomach is tossing around bile like me fighting 100 midgets. I don’t care if they all attack me at the same time. I would just pick them up and throw them, once they're on their backs they can’t get up. It’s science, those little arms can reach.

You know what, deal with it. So what! I haven’t posted anything in like a week. I am taking the day off. Oh what you are going to stop reading the page, shit I don’t care stop reading* whatever. No sweat off my sack. I think I am going to vomit. I wonder if I smell like alcohol? How old was that girl I was talking too? I hope she was a girl. It was Halloween. Now I am def going to vomit.

*Please don’t stop reading PESU!!! And please click on all the advertisement once they are up. WE LOVE YOU

Monday, October 29, 2007

I Wish The World Was Flat…So I Could Push You Off

The All Of A Sudden Boston Red Sox Fan – This is the type of person who fails to realize that there are more teams in baseball besides the Yankees and the Red Sox.
Look I’m not here to bash the Red Sox…although I’m not their number 1 fan, but quite honestly it seems like each and everyday there are more and more “die hard” Red Sox fans out there. First you must realize that I respect the real fans of the Red Sox, I mean they have stuck with the same team that hasn’t won in like a gazillion years prior to 2004 (Basically it’s the equivalent of rooting for the deaf kid to win in musical chairs). But there is a new breed of people out there…oh for arguments sake lets just call them…oh I don’t know….ummmm…“FRONT RUNNERS” which are giving all real fans of sports a bad name. I fully understand that people out there hate and despise the Yankees…but it doesn’t mean that you’re automatically a Red Sox fan. Look if you’re from Boston, or anywhere in New England you’re obviously a Sox fan…and I don’t care about you, I’m talking about the rest of those retards out there. I’m talking about the person who claims to be a fan, but when you ask them for last nights score they respond with…Oh I don’t watch baseball…the person who’s never seen a game in real life, the person who’s a fan only because Boston is an awesome city….those people are the ones I’m after. Half of these people, who claim to be fans, I bet couldn’t even name more than three pitchers in their bullpen (you know, the guys who pitch in the middle of the game, when you usually turn it off cause something better is on TV, because you really don’t care that much, because your not really a fan). Lately I’ve been going around talking to these mutants to see what really goes on in their little brains of theirs. The first person I met was a female (hey…I was horny). Basically she was dressed like a punk and/or emo person I couldn’t really tell, nor did I care, and I thought to myself wow this is going to be an easy target. So I asked her, why are you a Sox fan. Her response was simply…because the Yankees are the Evil Empire and I hate them, I hate how they waste all their money buying and selling players. A fair argument I must say, she really must know a lot, but what I found funny was that although she was dressed in what appeared to be clothes that cost 5 dollars combined, she was wearing $200 dollar boots….yes $200 dollar boots. Ironic I think so. Then I proceeded to ask her if she knew who had the second highest payroll in baseball…she looked at me as if I looked like Rocky Dennis. The second person I interviewed was your normal college male, unshaven, dirty hat, looks like he just rolled out of bed. When I asked him why he “loved” the Sox he said….cause they are awesome brah! (A terrific answer and I hope the parents of this child are happy to know that he spends more time getting baked than he does going to class. Like, “brah”, are you kidding me, this isn’t Hawaii, we aren’t taking surfboards to get to work). Mind you that this kid was also a fan of the Chicago Bulls, and the San Diego Chargers…so basically his love for sports is transcontinental…like my love for cheeseburgers. I feel like in today’s world if you’re a fan of the Sox it is the equivalent of being a fan of the Cowboys in the 90’s, which is perfectly fine if you’re a kid, but not when your fucking 27. If you can name players on their team prior to them being good then you’re a fan, and A OK in my book, but if you can’t and/or didn’t know that the Sox had a team prior to them being good, well then I suggest you take your brand new Red Sox hat, your Beckett jersey, and your “love” for the Sox into a car, hit the gas till you reach about 75-80 and drive right into a fucking brick wall.

PS- Did anyone else find it funny that Chewbacca is a lefty??

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Virginia Tech School for Criminals



I know what you're thinking. Where did these two learn how to not smile, and have large, greasy foreheads?

VTSC.

That's what they should change the name of VT to. Virginia Tech School for Criminals. Think about it. When your two most famous alumni are a mass-murderer, and a Korean guy that killed a lot of students, (I know, anyone else would think the top guy the murderer and the Korean guy the one that killed a bunch of dogs for pleasure- I hear they're delicious) you might as well change the name of the school.

What? Virginia Tech Sucks.

*CORRECTION* Only one graduated.

Too soon?

Michael Lohan Takes Blame for Lindsay

Michael Lohan, who recently finished serving an almost two year sentence for DUI and beating the shit out of some dude, has taken the blame for his daughter, Lindsay, acting up.

Hmm - do we detect similarities? DUI? Check. Explosive violent temper? Check. Beating the shit out of a dude? Check (if you replace "beating" with "blowing" and "a dude" with "several dozen dudes").

When asked if he took responsibility for the way Lindsay has been acting, he replied "Absolutely. How can I not? I mean, we lead by example [glug, glug, glug, *gargle*, *swallow*]."

But Michael Lohan did the honorable thing and promised to make things right.

Lohan vowed "I'm going to take it all back. I'm going to separate my sperm from Dina's egg and put it back in my testicle. That way I will not be able to hurt her any more. I just love her so much *sob*.

Bless you, Michael. The world needs more caring, loving parents like your self. AHEM, Britney...

Who Are You, And Why Are You Inside My Magic Picture Box…

I’ve been planning on making a post about this for some time now, but every time I try to start I get dizzy and usually pass out for about an hour or two, then wake up hungry, and oh well lets just say I bring new meaning to the phrase “All You Can Eat Buffet”. Seriously, I mean if your still eating and the place is closing down technically they should either let you stay and eat, bring free food home with you, and/or allow you to come back tomorrow morning and eat for free. I don’t know just a little thought…
So anyway we are here today to discuss an ever growing problem which seems to be destroying the imagination of people, especially those that work at MTV and VH1 (which are considered to be music channels). Both of these stations have taken it upon themselves to bombard us with brand spanking new dating shows…about people who aren’t famous, aren’t funny, basically who aren’t anything. The shows I am talking about are obviously A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila (the most friended person on Myspace…except for me obvi!) and I Love New York 2 (seriously the show got renewed for a second season).
First we must analyze each show to show in its entirety to show how utterly stupid it is and why we should tell our children not to watch these shows (please do it for the children!!! It’s all about the children!!!). The first show, which takes place on MTV, is called a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. First of all, when the opening scene comes up the word Shot is surrounded with shot glasses…you get it…isn’t that so amazingly clever…if I ever see the person that came up with that idea I’m going to shove that shot glass up an exit only hole! OK if that wasn’t enough to make you throw up in your mouth (even just a little bit like when you hear Fran Drescher laugh) they have added a brand new twist which makes the show amazingly stupid. Apparently Tila is a bisexual (which I’m totally cool with cause she’s a hot girl, and we all know that males cannot be bisexual because if your gay you like to suck cock…and if your straight, you don’t…there’s absolutely no wiggle room here!) and thus she goes on dates with both men and women (who are lesbians….and which I might add look absolutely nothing like my female high school gym teacher), seriously I’m not afraid to say that after seeing these girls in their underwear I got a little excited. Look if I wanted watch a threesome involving a hot Asian, another hot babe, and some loser guy…I’d go watch a Kobe Tai porno. Lastly, I finally figured out why MTV (which stands for music television) decided to air this show. It appears that not only is our little Tila a sexy model (posing in everything from Stuff to Playboy) but she is also a singer. She currently has produced her new album with two hit singles (that are out now…I guess) called “I Love U” and of course “Stripper Friends”. Sadly neither of these songs made it to the Billboard Top 100.

Next we have I Love New York 2 (another very clever pun I must add). In this show the main character is New York and she is….uhhh…well her real name is Tiffany Pollard…and shes uhh…..well……she once, no that wasn’t her….basically she had sex with Flavor Flav. Look if every girl that had sex with with Flav got their own TV show it would take 10 years, 8,000 channels, running 24/7…just to get through his teenage years. Seriously, the man has had sex with more random black girls than Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson combined. The man is responsible for more fatherless children than WW2. I can go on and on…but it’s not about Flav. So anyways back to New York. This show has its own unique plot twist which makes it special (like the small school bus special). On this show there is a person named “Midget Max”, and if you haven’t guessed already he’s a little person (not Danny Devito little, more like Gary Coleman little, but with aging). OK, I don’t know a lot about political correctness (as you can tell from my previous posts)…but I know calling a little person a midget is a definite no no. Imagine for a moment that instead of a little person, he’s African American, and his name is Bob…and his nickname was Black Bob (racist…yup), or he was white, had a big nose, never payed for anything and his name was John…and his nickname was Jewish John (racist…yup), or he was Chinese, and his name was Zachary, and his nickname was… Zipperhead Zack (racist…yup, funny…yup). Seriously, who does this lady think she is!? Ok, even if I could let the racism slide, there’s a ton more that’s wrong with this show. It appears that after season 1 ended New York did some remodeling…AKA building two new skyscrapers (she got breast implants…HUGE ones). Look if I want to watch a crazy crack head whore with fake boobs go about her daily business, I’d drive down to Atlantic City and cruise the strip for about an hour. Here’s an idea, in between the finale of season two and the premier of season three, she should get more plastic surgery done and fix that gigantic forehead of hers. Seriously, I mean I don’t know whether to look at it, or try to land the Apollo 11 Spaceship on it.

Well in a nutshell that’s basically the two shows. I guess it all depends on what you like, its like that age old question, What would you rather be a ninja or a pirate, except in this case it’s, What would you rather watch, a hooker or a crack head (I’d personally go with the hooker but that’s just me).

Danger! Danger!


Shit has hit the fan. Our worst nightmare has come true. Paris Hilton is going Doctor Evil on us and is going to freeze herself after her “natural” death. In hopes that a cure will be found for what ever caused her death allowing her to be thawed and brought back to life to terrorize further generations of people. I had an interview with Paris to talk about her goal to freeze herself.

Stud: Paris, why do you want to freeze yourself?
Paris: Freezing yourself is like hot.
Stud: Well, freezing yourself would be cold, but that is beside the point. What do you hope to accomplish by freezing yourself.
Paris: I want to like live forever. Dieing is for like poor people. I have like zillions of moneys I shouldn’t have to like die.
Stud: Paris, you do realize that if you do indeed freeze yourself and there is a cure for whatever killed you (a bullet) that you will be in a world where no one will know who you are. Who knows what will have changed in the world and what is going on. I like to refer to that world as Heaven.
Paris: Like, look at like all the people that have been unfrozen before. Like, a lot of them are hot. Like that caveman and like that cop who didn’t know that he didn’t kill those people.
Stud: …
Paris: You know?
Stud: Are you talking about Brendan Frasier and Sylvester Stallone? They weren’t really frozen; they were acting in movies about being frozen.
Paris: Oh… that’s still hot.

Soon after that I decided to end that interview. I thanked Paris for her time, her insight, and the hand job. After leaving the interview I started thinking about repercussions of Paris freezing herself, never dieing and it brought a smile to my face. At least she won’t annoy me in hell like she does on earth.

*interview may or may not have actually occurred.
*hand job did occur; Paris may or may not have performed it.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

That ass has a person attached to it...


Kim Kardashian, umm… actress? No, umm… singer? No, umm… governor? No… What the hell is she famous for?

She is now attempting to stop the sale of her newest sex tape. Which makes me think, if she doesn’t want people to see her naked, why did she allow the first sex tape to be sold? OR, why did she pose in the new Play Boy? Kim had this to say about her Play Boy shoot:

"It looks really classy and professional.”

Oh yes, definitely. Classy and Professional are two adjectives that are always used to describe Play Boy. Kind of like the adjectives magical and romantic for the word pedophile. Oh and hilarious and blissful rape.

But really, with an ass like that does anyone care what she says? I mean her ass could run for president and it would win since only white, male, land owners can vote… Huh? What? What the hell is the Emancipation Proclamation? Women’s Movement? Amendments? This all sounds very un-American.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Travel and Leisure Magazine Finds Philadelphia Residents Unattractive

Ummmmm...duh...

One and Done


In sports there are always favorites and underdogs. In both situations there is a lot of pressure. Pressure for the favorites to win championships, pressure for the underdogs to compete and to become a better team. Some times what one player or coach does in one place isn’t expectable in others. Joe Torre who won 4 World Series for his team and made the playoffs every year he managed basically got fired from the New York Yankees. If he coached in Houston or Tampa Bay, two teams that have never won a world series, this guy would have his job for the rest of his life.

Joe face unbelievable pressure to win in New York. The pressure that Joe faced was nothing compared the pressure that Greg Ryan faced as the coach of the Women’s Team USA Soccer coach (yes women play soccer, some look very hot doing it. Yes, others do look scary). Ryan coached the team for 2 years and his record during that time was 45-1-9. For those of you who do not watch sports or do not know what that means it stands for 45 wins, 1 loss, and 9 ties. He was fired this week. U.S. Soccer president Sunil Gulati (very American name) had this to say about the firing:

“I'm not going to point to any one factor or one individual decision,"

Sunil, you don’t have to point to anything. I think we can all guess why you fired him. Not for the 45 wins, not for the 9 ties but maybe just maybe for that 1 loss. Imagine getting fired for messing up one time at your job. On my first day of work I walked in to the kitchen and couldn’t figure out how to work the coffee machine. It is one of the weird ones with all the packets and options and stuff and junk. I accidentally got tea instead of coffee. Next day I would be on the damn unemployment line.

Honestly, I might be one of the only people to know that the Women’s World Cup was held last month. The World Cup happens every four years and different countries come together and play soccer. Soccer is a sport that you try to kick around ball into net. Still nothing? Oh well.

But still, all I am saying is give the guy a break, it isn’t like he made a pass at any of the girls on the team or calling the girls "bitches". No Isaiah I am not talking about you.

I love you Mia Hamm!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Racism or CPU Script Code Error...You be the Judge

Here I present a conversation with the AIM Bot SmarterChild. (Note: My Screen Name has been altered for privacy purposes)

Hot2Trot69
: Hey
SmarterChild: Hi again, Erik Shun.
9inchkiller754: Would you like to participate in a study funded by PESU?
SmarterChild: Interesting question.
XxiLoVeBoObsxX: Yes I feel so, would you like to begin?
SmarterChild: Would I? Yes, I think so.
KumGuzzler07: Do you speak Spanish?
SmarterChild: Um, let's see... donde est√° mi taco? Is that good? No, I mean, um... See, thing is, I don't really speak Spanish too well.
FiveKnuckleShuffle1982: Do you speak French?
SmarterChild: I know a little French. Let's see... um... Bonjour? Or, uh... Baguette?
Loves2Bukaki: Do you speak Italian?
SmarterChild: Let's see... I know a little Italian. Ciao bambino! Arrivederci! Cappuccino! Bene!
Shocker516: Are you a racist?
SmarterChild: I am definitely not prejudiced.
Cherry6Edible9Panties: Define African American
SmarterChild: Noun
A Black American of African ancestry. See Usage Note at black
4nalBeedsRFun: Define black
SmarterChild:
Adjective
1. Being of the color black, producing or reflecting comparatively
(skip some definitions)
6. Evil; wicked: the pirates' black deeds.
ReachAroundCity: Is it hard being racist?
SmarterChild: I don't think it's hard being racist. Not at the moment anyway.
Hey, what's going on tomorrow? Anything?
RustyTrombonePlayer: A lynching
SmarterChild: Would you like me to add the event "A lynching" on October 19th, 2007 to your planner?

This conversation is 100% true. Notice the racism that our children are being exposed to. The computer associates Spanish with tacos, French with baguettes, Italian with cappuccino, and African American with evil. Also, the computer seems to have no problem with the idea of a lynching occurring. Is this how we want our children to learn?
I propose a solution for all parents (including those who wrote the program code for smarterchild), if you want your children to grow up in a non-biased and anti-racist world…have them read PESU everyday.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

For Love or Football

Now, most men would read the title of this article and think "why can't it be both?" Because men love football. Baseball is the national passtime, but it hardly keeps you on the edge of your seat. They do have fantasy baseball, but you hafta pick players based on weird stats (like batting averages on a saturday in June) for you to gain points and win. But men relate most to football.
There's a certain struggle that comes along with football that mimics everyday life. Sometimes you have to grind the ball a few yards at a time to get where you're goin. Sometimes you make short-quick out-patterns to move down your day. And sometimes by the grace of God, you're given a hail-mary that comes outta nowhere and lets you score. There's also the defensive portion (often the more fun side, as in real football) where you don't hafta be calculating, and you're just in it to bend and not break, and knock the piss out of an adversary. And everyone's had that day where they think they've had it won in the last second, but that faggy (not bashing to gays, just faggy) head-coach on the other team called a time out as the ball was up and made you kick it again. So it should come as no surprise that men emulate football in their everyday lives... and football emulates man.

                       The Grinder                  The Show-Pony

For instance, the tandem running back situation was bound to rear it's head in the NFL. Why? Because that's what men do in real life. If you can find one man that hasn't put this into practice (or at least tried to and failed), then you are a liar. There are two kinds of backs:

The Show Pony- This back gets all of the first and second down carries, he's fun to pass to, and he's got the name on the team. He's your starter. He gets seen with the offense and, while not hitting the endzone everytime, he looks pretty with his moves and can sometimes break a long-ball.

The Grinder- This back is usually bigger, gets the ball in desperate times such as third-and-short or goaline situations, and just plain gets the job done. He ain't pretty, most people don't know his name, and he doesn't get a bit of respect outside the locker-room. But at the end of the night, he's usually good for a score or two.

Now, unless you're dense, you know where this is going. Women.

The Show Pony- This girl you take out to dinner, double-date with your friends, she's fun to pass to, and she's got the name that all your friends and family know. She's your starter. At the beginning of the night you text back and forth, then you start the slow progression to calling her, then you FINALLY find her where-ever she is, and spend all of your hard-earned cash and make an ass of yourself dancing with her, just so she can look pretty with her moves and SOMETIMES break a long-ball.

The Grinder - This girl is usually bigger, gets the call in desperate times, such as 3am-and-short or goaline situations, and just plain does the job. She ain't pretty, most people will never hear you admit you know her, and she doesn't get a bit of respect outside of the closest inner-sanctums of friends. But at the end of the night- she's usually good for a score or two.

God bless football.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Mission Accomplished


PESU has finally had a break through moment! After working on this site for about 3 months we have finally completed one item on a laundry list of goals. That’s right everyone, we are officially banned in China!!! PESU HAS BEEN CENSORED IN CHINA!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!

Ok I realize that out of all the countries China is probably the easiest to get banned from but still this is a dream that I never thought we would be able to reach. That means someone read our site, thought it was offensive and then decided that 1 billion people shouldn’t read it. Well I like to keep a positive outlook and say that leaves about 5.5 billion people in the world that can still read the quality articles posted on PESU.

Thanks to all of our fans who have helped us this first quarter. Your encouragement has really kept us going. Feel free to leave comments and vote on our polls. Thanks for reading; hopefully you will get some laughs out of PESU for sometime to come.
Johnny McNugget said...
Today (today oday day ay ay y) is the greatest (greatest reatest eatest atest test est st t)day (day ay y) of my life (life ife fe e). I would like to thank everyone who made this possible, Bill Gates: for being a nerd and rather than banging chicks he was home playing with his mouse, My Parents: for buying me an ill desktop computer without which I would never have spent countless hours wasting away on, G.I. Joe: for showing me that "knowing is half the battle", Ronald McDonald: for making amazing breakfast sambos, The people who work at Mast-Jägermeister AG: for getting through those times where I want to forget my problems and end up forgetting the entire night, and sometimes into the next morning (seriously thank you), Ottis Anderson: for leading the New York Giants to a Superbowl victory in 1990, and last, but certiantly not least the government of China: for having no sense of humor and the personality of a brick wall. Thank you.
(walks back up to mic)Oh yeah, and everyone here as PESU, you guys are the best I love you all, drinks are on me! (well the first round is anyway

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Ann Coulter's Secret Identity Exposed!



EXCITING NEWS ON THE PESU FRONT! WE HAVE A BREAKING STORY, THE FIRST OF ITS TYPE ON PESU. IT TURNS OUT THAT ANN COULTER HAS BEEN LIVING A SECRET DOUBLE LIFE (BOTH OF WHOM ARE CELEBS). IN THIS SHOCKING EXPOSE, I WILL EXPOSE THE ANN COULTER YOU NEVER KNEW YOU KNEW!!!

What started as a quiet evening of, um, investigatory journalism from an apartment that happened to be overlooking Ann Coulter's Manhattan condo, while I happened to be experimenting with a wide-lens camera (wow...a lot of things had to go right for this to happen), I happened to snap a picture of Ann without make-up.

What I saw surprised the ever-living shit out of me. It turns out that Ann Coulter is none other than:







ALICE COOPER!!! When this sharp-tongued poster child of the conservative party goes home, she/he wipes that eye liner off (or puts more on, I forget how this works) and rocks out to the music that he/she wrote from the early 60s through this millennium.

Man, she looks good for her age. If she wasn't such a bitch (and a man), I'd prolly nail her...

I hope you still have your survival packs from the Y2K scare.


Madonna is reportedly about to sign a 120 million dollar contract with Live Nation recording studio. 120 million… I haven’t seen such a waste of money since the iPhone… Oh got you Steve Jobs… FACEPUSH…

Madonna is like 60 years old, what the hell is she going to write about for her new songs? How technology scares her? How she loves her Life Alert necklace? I highly doubt “Like a Virgin” will sound that great coming from a woman with a walker and a crooked back. What has she done since… since… umm… kissing Brittney Spears?

Wait, what has Brittney Spears done since kissing Madonna? Got fat, walked in a public restroom without shoes on, got married, had two kids, got divorced, showed her vertical smile, shaved her head, went to rehab twice, attacked a car with an umbrella, lost her kids, stopped talking to her mom, looked lost and lazy eyed at the VMA’s…

Oh my god it is Kabbalah!! Run, hide, lock your doors, Kabbalah may be coming for you next!!! I hear it needs to drink the blood of a virgin, thank god I am safe. What! I am safe, I swear… I have totally done it before, like mad times, so many I can’t count. Seriously… Stop looking at me like that. Fine, I don’t care what you think… I REALLY DID!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

He really is just plan creepy.


When I was a child, the Internet was just in its beginning stages. No one knew the true possibilities it would provide: communication, online gambling and of course porn at the touch of a finger tip.

When I was a kid I would look at Victoria Secret catalogs, stay up late to catch a 2 second boob flash on late night HBO. I remember my first real run in with boobs, I will never forget that magical day.

It was just like any other day. I went to my best friend’s house and played G I Joes. We would each bring our figures and have a giant war. His older sister also happened to be in the room playing with her Barbies. Now I had seen Barbies before but since I am a boy and only have brothers I had never understood the full potential of the toy. When she changed that doll’s dress and her miraculous plastic tits shown to the world, like two large diamonds in the middle of a coal field, my life had completely changed. Ever since then I have a soft side for Barbie. She let me know that everything was going to be alright.

I have never told anyone about this fascination (until now), I have never invited anyone to marvel over Barbie’s mega mountains with me and I have never in a fit of rage and embarrassment cut up a Barbie and looked for a place to dump her plastic body. That means I have two things over Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen reportedly purchased a $6,000 full-sized, anatomically-correct cheerleader doll. He brought his Plastic Play Pal with him on the set of “Spin City” and spoke about “her” often. On one occasion he invited two women to have a foursome with him and his Silicon Soul Mate. The women laughed in his face. Charlie went berserk (great word so rarely get to use it) and took a meat cleaver to his Artificial Annabelle and chopped off her hands.

He then had his body guard help him wrap the doll in blankets and load the “body” in the trunk of his car. Wait his body guard touched that thing? Gross… They drove around until they found a dumpster to disregard the evidence.

This just in: Police found a body made out of plastic. They are looking for suspects; she was last seen, not in a dumpster and with Charlie Sheen and two females who were laughing. It would appear that the police suspect Sheen but no charges have been filed.

Jack Bauer going to Jail?


Some guy named Kiefer Sutherland plead no contest to his fourth DUI. The City Attorney’s Office is recommending that he goes to jail for 48 days. The weird thing is this guy looks a lot like Jack Bauer… But he can’t be, Jack Bauer kicks terrorist’s asses and sacrifices himself for the good of the nation. This guy just gets hammered and gets behind the wheel of a car. Plus this D-bag is covered in gay ass tattoos. Jack Bauer only has one tattoo and it says BMF (bad mother fucker) across his back.

Jack Bauer has no need to drive around in cars, sure he does on TV but that is only to make the show believable. The real Jack Bauer flies around in a chariot painted red, white and blue that is lead by 7 bald eagles. The real Jack Bauer is probably out there right now fighting Cobra Commander or the Shredder maybe even the Joker. Not sitting in a jail ceil sobering up.

This guy must be some futuristic robot sent to destroy Jack Bauer’s reputation. Oh man… this shit just got deep. That means some terrorist group built a time machine and a cybernetic organism that can mimic people and get drunk. It has got to be the Russians. Damn Ruskies!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Guns Don't Kill People...Hugs Do!

So like I don’t know if anyone out there is aware of this, but apparently an Illinois middle school wanted to teach its students history first hand by turning the school into Auschwitz for the year by outlawing hugging inside the school…yes hugging. I never knew hugging was on the same playing field as drugs, because both are outlawed in this middle school.

Why hugging was outlawed was not the result of what most of you are thinking (boys hugging girls and something growing which makes the girls feel uncomfortable…man the 5th grade was so awkward), but because kids were forming “hugging lines” which were “clogging up traffic” in the hallways. Uhm, isn’t it obvious to the administration that the kids were just following orders by using the “buddy system” which is still drilled into kids heads until they end high school, rather than deliberately trying to clog the traffic in the hallways. Also, the administration needs to stop referring to hallways as if they were the Holland Tunnel.

Also, I used my computer skillz AKA finding the schools webpage online; to help defend these poor kids and make sure they will always have their civil liberties in place. First of all, on the first day of school the administration passed out a list of school rules in which the students had to sign, and date, before the first full week of school started. On this list appeared many rules, but I will only use two of them for this case. The first rule stated “I will always act in ways that are safe”. Talk about sending duel messages, everyone knows the buddy system is as safe as Trojan Condoms (I believe its 99.9% safe). The second rule stated “I will treat other with respect and resolve differences verbally”. Well if hugging someone is wrong then I have been disrespecting my family and friend for 20 and some odd years now. Also, aren’t kids taught that after you resolve your difference you close it with a hug? What the hell are these people doing to these poor kids? These kids are being subjected to so many mixed messages that I wouldn’t be surprised if they wake up one day sleeping under their bed.

But it’s ok right, because the kids are the problem here, not those adults making the laws…right? Sigh, I wish life was so simple. After doing more research AKA clicking my mouse I stumbled upon something that clearly indicated that this would happen. On the date that the last Harry Potter book was to be released, the school held a “Harry Potter Day”, or as I like to call it “Big Pussy Day”. During this day the kids were encouraged to dress like Harry Potter, or like any other characters from the book such as Wizards, Witches, Mages, Knights, Dragons, and of course Han Solo (simply because he’s the man). The only logical thing to come out of this day was to, of course turn the kids into dorks, and thus form “Hug Lines” in the hallway. Man, if this isn’t the definition of the cause and effect relationship, I don’t know what is.

Guess!


Take a minute. Just look at this woman and take a guess why she is in the news. Umm… could it be because she is Crazy? DING DING DING. If you guessed crazy as well then you win a PESU bumper sticker!!!

Amanda Jane Darling Harris, 21 of Eagle Colo is accused of use of a deadly weapon, misdemeanor third-degree assault with a weapon, ethnic intimidation and harassment. What could she possibly have done to warrant these charges? Well, I hope you are wearing a seat belt because we are about to take a trip down Psycho Road then we are taking a left onto Head Case Blvd, then we are staying on that till we reach Loco Village.

Miss. Harris attacked children, ages range from 9 to 15, with an 18 inch samurai sword… WHAT!!! What were the children doing you ask? They were playing in the parking lot of the apartment complex they live in… Are you serious??? Did they hit her car? Did they throw rocks at her windows… nope they were playing.

As if this isn’t strange enough, the children, who are of Latin descent, not only had to run away from a crazy woman with a sword they were also being screamed at by Harris. Harris accused them of being illegal immigrants and said:

"If you're scared, then you're guilty."

Yup… definitely. You know what I wasn’t afraid of when I was 9… Crazy people carrying and swinging ninja swords at me.

Special Thanks: Kramer for sending me this link…

Disclaimer: You might never receive a PESU bumper sticker for your correct answer. Please don’t stop reading.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Oh Donovan


Let's take a look back at Donovan McNabb's career before we starting taking jabs at him. He's a stud QB that lead Philly to 3 straight NFC Championship games. Was he getting crap before that? Not really. He was being hailed as a Choke artist (much like Peyton Manning before he FINALLY won it all last year). But in my mind, his career took a turn for the worst when he started hooking-up with Terrell Owens (Owens overdosed after that break-up).
Basically, this guy has so many things going against him. He plays in Philly. Philly booed Santa. Apparently, if you can't bring a championship, it doesn't matter if you bring toys and cheer to countless boys and girls. And then, an NAACP official knocked McNabb for being a "stereotypical" black quarterback. They Uncle-Tom'd his ass for not being white enough at quarterback due to the fact that he could scramble and he wasn't a pocket-passer. And then there was the start of the injuries that took him out late in the season in 2004. Once he got back, he lead the team to the Superbowl, but fell short on a drive near the end of the game. Owens said he was out of shape and not capable. This turned into a feud that would ruin McNabb's next year (along with 2 more injuries). Then Rush Limbaugh came out and said that because McNabb was black, the media was pulling for him to do well and that he got more credit than was due to him. McNabb responded,
"It's sad that you've got to go to skin color. I thought we were through with that whole deal".
Then, before this season, the Eagles used their 2nd round draft pick to take Kevin Kolb from Houston and mark him as their "quarterback of the future". McNabb's surgically repaired knee made him play like crap during the first 2 games of the season and the Philly fans got rowdy. So Donovan did his thing and went to Bryant Gumbel with his gripes.
"There's not that many African-American quarterbacks, so we have to do a little bit extra. Because the percentage of us playing this position, which people didn't want us to play ... is low, so we do a little extra.
"I pass for 300 yards, our team wins by seven, [mimicking] 'Ah, he could've made this throw, they would have scored if he did this."
"They don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't." - About Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning

Ok. First off. We? Now every black quarterback has elected Donovan to represent their sentiments? Second, Loki and I counted all of the black quarterbacks we could think of, considering the percentage is so low. We came up with the following list: Donovan McNabb, David Garrard, Jason Campbell, Vince Young, Steve McNair, Daunte Culpepper, Tavarius Jackson, Byron Leftwich (who'll prolly start in Atl soon), and Michael Vick (who woulda played there til his dawgs got him in trouble). That's 9. 8 of them will have started at least one game during this season. That's 25% of the league. Is that too few? Let's look at running backs. White running backs? Brian Leonard. And the only reason he's gonna get a start is cause Stephen Jackson is injured. As soon as Jackson comes back, he's number 2. Plus with all the tandem situations with RB's these days, the 1/32 teams (3.25%) of white running backs is actually smaller since there are about 45-50 running backs that get regular playing time each week.

Donovan-
It's sad that you've got to go to skin color. I thought we were through with that whole deal.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Rocko's Modern Life - Most Perverted Cartoon Ever?



Was Rocko's Modern Life the most perverted cartoon to ever hit the airwaves? I'm convinced it was. It's dirtier than South Park and Anime porn because they are pitched as cartoons with adult themes. Rocko was sold as a kiddie cartoon.

You're thinking - Loki sees what he wants. While this claim is 100% true (and the reason that I think any girl I've ever dated looks like Jennifer Aniston's head on Jessica Alba's body - even if they happen to look like the back of my balls), I intend to prove beyond the shadow of reasonable doubt, that this show was a perv-fest.

1. Rocko and Hefer always ate a restaurant called "Chokey's Chicken" which in the last season all of a sudden became "Chewy's Chicken" because they could not get away with it any longer.
2. When Rocko lost his job at Kinda-Alot-O-Comics, he became a phone sex operator. Mrs. Bighead called up the hotline and Rocko picked up the phone and answered in his sexy Aussie accent "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby". It got real awkward real quick.
3. They had Filbert cross-dress in a bunch of episodes. Does the line "call me Ophelia" ring a bell? (Probably not; it does to me because I spent the better part of my childhood in front of a TV).
4. When Rocko would visit Hefer (who lived with a pack of wolves), Hefer's father would always yell out "Let's eat the beaver!!!" (referring to Rocko, who was a wallaby).

There, my friends, you have it. This was by no means a clean show. If you can think of any more perverted Rocko's Modern Life situations, lines, etc. I'd love to hear them. Feel free to comment away!

PS How did Filbert and Dr. Hutchinson have a successful love life with that hook-hand of hers? Ouch...

Female Drivers


Maple Valley, Washington a woman who had been missing for eight days was found alive in her car at the bottom of a ravine conveniently located by the side of the road. Tanya Rider was extremely dehydrated and had cuts and bruises as well as some internal damage to her kidneys. Police and rescue units had to cut the roof off of her car to get her out.

While Tanya was missing the police started to look for suspects and even suspected her husband of foul play. While he sat down for a lie detector test police received a call with her location and went to the scene of the accident. Police managed to locate Tanya by tracing a signal from her cell phone…

Wait, she sat in a car for 8 days with no water or food… but a cell phone? Umm… Why didn’t she call someone? The police, her husband, Domino’s… Anyone!!! She would have been out of that hole the same day. You can’t tell me that you are trapped in a car for eight days and don’t think to yourself. “How can I get out of here? Oh I know I can take my cell phone and call someone to come and get me.”

What does she think she’s too good for cell phones? Is she above them? Of course she isn’t. The only people that are too good for cell phones are Jedi’s and she doesn’t look like a Jedi to me. If she was a Jedi she could use her light saber and carve a hole out of the car then jump back on the road. Then she can stop a car by using the force and then talk the driver into driving her back home by using a simple Jedi mind trick.

God this is just like a woman, to make something so much worse then it really is. “No, I can’t get an abortion, I am against it.” BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Luci Lu?


This is fantastic. In Richland Township, Pa two women dressed as ninjas carrying swords and daggers robbed a gas station. First of all, HOTTTTT!!! Second of all, Ninjas are masters of all forms of combat, and I am pretty sure if you have the ninja clothes and swords, you are a ninja no matter your training.

The gas station attendant was tied up and the Fem-Ninjas robbed his store. This is exactly how one of my fantasies starts. Not the one with the elephant but the other one, you know the one with the girl ninjas tying me up. Then the Fem-Ninjas make all that origami in front of me, tempting me with paper boobs. Then the real stuff happens.

The gas station attendant was not hurt and he had this to say about the robbery:

"It's shocking. Things like that just don't happen out here. I just can't believe it happened,"

Really Mr. Gas Man??? I guess Pennsylvania isn’t the Ninja Capital of the world, like we all thought it was. Weird…

Police have no lead in solving this case. I just want to tell them now that they have no chance. Think about the Ninja Turtles, they have been entertaining children for over twenty years now and the cops are none the wiser. And Shredder, he is still out there, I just named 5 ninjas, no jail sentences… It is safe to say that Ninjas are the un-rivaled masters of the cosmos.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Chris Crocker to Get His/Her/It’s Own TV Show…What a Crock!?

A statement released earlier on the Internet claims Crocker is in talks with a film company to star in his own reality TV show. If you need time to go outside and scream or punch a wall to release some of your anger, I strongly suggest you do it now before you continue reading (I myself used a very common method, dropping a cinder block on my face).

First of all, I want to know what asshole sits in their office and thinks “Oh my God, we need to get this kid his own TV Show”. Seriously, whatever this person is smoking I would love to get me at least a bag or two. Does this person want their company’s stocks to plummet? Why hasn’t this person been fired? Why hasn’t someone sat them down and told them that people would rather watch me take a dump after eating Taco Bell then watch a show starring this kid? The only way a show about COCKer would work is if it involved him being tied to a wooden stake and each day I wake up and rocket a baseball at his ugly ass face. And it plays over and over again, in slow motion. I’m telling you that would sell!

When are these people going to realize that Internet personalities (minus everyone at PESU) are not funny and are horrible at acting, i.e. Andy Milonakis. Look the Milonakis show was funny for two episodes, but then it stopped. Why you ask, because these people post like 5 million videos every year and only one video ever becomes famous. COCKer’s video wasn’t even funny it…it was stupid. Also, there are claims out there stating that COCKer uses page refresh programs to make it appear that people are viewing his videos when in reality they are not. This kid is the Barry Bonds of you tube, and I for one don’t appreciate cheaters. After stepping back and taking a long hard look at the world I realize that we are on a straight path to the apocalypse…

5. The Sarah Silverman Show got renewed for a second season
4. Mind of Mencia is still on.
3. Captain America died.
2. A meteorite slammed into Earth sickening those who came into contact with it (AKA turning them into zombies who will one day rise from the dead and feast upon the brains of the living, except for me because I’m the man).
1. Chris Crocker is getting his own TV show entitled “Cocks or Vaginas: A Day in the Life of Chris Crocker”.

Just Say No to Foreign Sperm!!!

So, the US has a ban on imported sperm.

Yeah - sorry...you read correctly. The US will not let sperm banks import foreign sperm produced after 2005 because of a rare disease that is associated with mad cow disease.

There are thousands of couples in the US in which the man is sterile, but the couple wants a child that looks like both of them. So they'll go to a sperm bank and request a Scandinavian donor's nut, so they can get a blond haired, blue eyed baby (assuming that the mother has both of these traits too). For these couples, it is getting harder and harder to get their hands on this imported baby batter (gross).

Fertility tourism, or the practice of going to another country to get artificially inseminated, is becoming a booming business due to this ban.

I have come up with a way better idea on how you can get in contact with sperm that'll produce a blond haired, blue eyed baby (gross). Ladies, I am proud to report that I have blond hair and blue eyes. I am not licensed in artificial insemination, so you may have to get it right from the tap.

Or you can always try contacts and dye...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Welcome To Earff


I KNEW IT, I HAVE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS! All the nah-sayers look like a bunch of ass clowns now. All the Democrats and hippies, save the earth man Global Warming will kill us all man… All the Republicans and the South, if we don’t bomb then they will bomb us, mutually assured destruction… The debate went on and on, what would eventually destroy the earth/human life as we know it. Finally proof, a meteorite crashed into Peru yesterday creating a 66 feet wide and 16 feet deep crater. Today there have been over 200 cases of people getting sick from headaches, nausea and respiratory problems. We all know what this means… ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!!!!

First off let me clear some rumors about aliens. They are not queer little green things with big eyes and guts. They certainly are not scientologists. Sorry Tom Cruise, I know how big of a fan you are of this site but we still don’t like you. They aren’t coming here to eat our Reese Pieces or get laid by our women (that’s my job). They are coming here to wipe us out.

Haven’t you ever seen that documentary? The one about the world ending… ummm…. Independence Day, Yeah the one with Goldbloom and Will Smith. What you think they just made that stuff up? Shit we all gotta learn Morse Code.

We still have a chance though. It isn’t over until we say it is. Look, they crashed into Peru. That is in South America. Hey, they can have South America. I say we count that as lost. Not like we ever acknowledged them as part of the world before. I say once they all land there we send over the greatest task force ever created: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stephen Hawkins, Charles Manson, Justin Timberlake, Fran Dresser, Chuck “the Iceman” Liddell, and Zack Morris. Now that is an unstoppable team. That team can out muscle, smart, creep, dance, annoy, Kong Fu chop, and awesome the aliens. The Aliens will stand no chance.

Then we will kill all the men and take their woman and children and have slaves. It will be awesome. We just can mess it up this time…

Monday, September 17, 2007

OJ is innocent


OJ didn’t do it. That is impossible. I was chilling OJ everyday for the last week. On September 9th I woke up and had a sore throat so I was like I should go get some medicine. So I went to the store and got my meds then I saw OJ. I was like oh shit OJ, OJ was just sitting there so I was like “hey, I should pick you up and you can come back to my house.”
So OJ and I headed back to my house and I made some eggs and OJ just chilled. The reason I picked up OJ in the first place was because it is really good for you. It has a ton of vitamin C and that really helps your immune system. It also helps prevent scurvy and all my pirate friends are really gracious.
Wait… not Orange Juice??? Oh, OJ Simpson… Oh that nigga did that shit!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Another YouTube Star

Ok, so I know what you're thinking...who does Loki hate today?
Well, today my friends I come bearing a message of love. This impassioned fan has opened my eyes to the injustice of this world. How dare anyone make fun of a white trash, chain smoking, drugged up, trailer ho that's never heard of underpants, and is an inch away from using her kids as human airbags indeed! Her unique perspective has caused me to reflect on all the pain that I have caused others by my mere utterances and that maybe I should think before I tear anyone else a new colostomy hole. I curled up under a white bedsheet and made a video apologizing to everyone that I've ever hurt. Total run time is just slightly under 3 weeks. Thank you, chica, for this epiphany. I would've never had it without you.



Wait - this is a dude? Awwwwkwaaaard
My apology video is getting destroyed and I'm ready to rampage!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Facebook Doesn’t Suck…the People on it Do!

People who suck on Facebook

1. The “I Never Went to College but I Have a Facebook Account” person.
Look I’m sorry to say that Facebook was invented not only to keep in touch with your friends from high school (why you need to use the Internet to keep in touch with your “friends” is beyond me), but also and more importantly it was invented so kids in college could meet new people and in the event of an emergency (i.e. group presentation tomorrow or Corporate HOs and CEOs party) to get in touch with one another. This person however feels the need to join Facebook because Myspace sucks and no one uses it. Look jerk off you’re not cool because you didn’t go to school and you think you’re the man because you’re on a site that was once strictly reserved for college students, you’re a loser who has no friends and wishes they went to school and did something with their lives. Seriously, at least put down your high school as your education network, not no network which makes you seem like a creepy stalker.

2. The “I Added Every Application to My Page on Facebook” person.
The whole application thing was cute on Facebook for about 5 minutes, and now its just annoying. When I click on someone’s page that has all those apps on them I feel like I’m looking at a billboard advertising for crappy computer programmers rather than a hot girls page. All I want to do is look at your pictures, not buy you a fake drink on your happy hour wall.

3. The “Alcoholics Anonymous” or “The End of Sobriety” or even worse “I Don’t Remember Taking These Pictures” titling of photo albums person.
This person has become an epidemic on Facebook and needs to be stopped, preferably by burning at the stake. Look, we all know that drinking beer in college is like masturbating during puberty, but who the hell do you think you are that you have to make it known that you get drunk. First of all, posting drunken pictures of yourself online is one of the most retarded things a person could do, peeing on an electric fence is obviously number 1. Do you think people look at your pictures and think to themselves “Oh man this kid is the man, he plays beer pong and funnels…damn I need to be his friend”…NO!!! When I see a person who titles their albums like that, I run up behind, knock them down, and proceed to take a dump on their face. Not to mention alcoholism is a disease, and the only diseases that are allowed to be made fun of are AIDS because only gay people get it and lice because smelly dirty people get it.

4. The person who puts this quote “Here’s to the nights I’ll never remember with the friends I’ll never forget” anywhere on their page person, person.
…self explanatory.

Monday, September 10, 2007

MTV = Classy




Another incredibly successful VMA’s were held yesterday and many events that transpired were top news stories. Britney Spears came out dressed in drag and put forth one of the sorriest excuses of a performance since Tom Cruise's “I am not Gay” while jumping on Oprah’s couch. Wait Britney is still a woman… Oh this just got really sad… Unfortunately I didn’t get to watch the VMA’s but whenever you can’t lip-sync songs you supposedly wrote it is a heartbreaking story.

But not to be out done the Jerry Springer show broke out when the extremely “not” white trash Kid Rock punched the extremely “not” dirty Tommy Lee in the face. Leading the world to think, that these two are fight over two pieces of silicon wrapped in Hepatitis. I mean honestly you guys are two… umm…very… umm… well kinda… “special” guys, don’t fight over a half woman half rubber android sent from the future to run in slow motion.

And finally Kanye’s tampon fell out when he learned that he will only be performing from his suite and not from the main stage like Justin. Kanye:

'Why did I perform in just a suite?' . 'Justin's my boy, but even he gets to perform in both a suite and on the main stage? Something's wrong here.' "

He also, once again, lost all categories he was up for causing him to say:

"That's two years in a row, man ... I'm trying hard, man, I have the ... #1 record, man."

Just give Kanye his due. I mean we all know ones life isn’t complete without a VMA trophy or whatever the hell you win. Otherwise we will have to listen to him cry for another year about how he was robbed and how he is really a black man. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Wow truly another amazing and classy night hosted to us by MTV.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

He's 12 just hit him.

A 7th grader from Georgia held 6 classmates hostage with a stake knife he brought from home. One of the hostages managed to escape and tell a teacher who cleared the hallway and notified police. After 45 minutes of negotiation the police managed to trap the boy between the door and the wall and disarm him. The boy’s name is being held because he is a minor but he is facing charges of carrying a weapon on school grounds, false imprisonment and terroristic threats and acts.

Unfortunately school violence has become so common place that unless someone is killed, it isn’t even really reported about. The only reason I bring it up now is because I walked by a 711 and I am pretty sure I saw Whoopi Goldberg in it talking to the teller. I heard her say, in a Jamaican accent:

“See mon, he is from the south, he grew up with knives. Knives and stabbing is accepted in the south. Especially in the Deep South. I mean they don’t know any better.”

Then he left the 711 in his tie dyed shirt, hopped in the front of his cab and drove away. Damn Whoopi you always make me think. By the way, Whoopi is jacked.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I'm hot as fire baby, hot as ice

These have been the words ripping apart at my brain like a woman that has only had sex once giving birth. I'm proud (and thankful) to admit that I am not the lyricist behind such ridiculous drivel...it's the chorus from the new Britney Spears song, which is followed by about 12 "break it doooo-wwwwwn /break it dooooo-wwwwwn"s. First gripe - who uses break it down anymore? I think last time I heard "break it down" in a song, it was followed by a lot of "oohhs" and "pick up the hammer".

I hate to admit it, but I have spent the better part of a week figuring out what the f*ck "hot as ice" means. Granted, I'm a complete asshole for trying to find meaning in a Britney Spears song - it's like looking for the meaning of life in a scientology pamphlete.

But there has been a break through at last! After about 8 days of pondering - I have figured it out...

...Britney is a f*cking idiot. I know you already knew that...I'm the ass that took 8 days to figure out what I already know. But on the bright side, you now have more time to contemplate why Rikki Lake was ever popular or why do companies have to ruin delicious marshmellows by putting cereal in the mix. You're welcome.

Whoopi!

Well. Whoopi Goldberg has done it again.


She's shocked me. First there was her and Ted Danson in a love affair. Ted freakin' Danson. Sam Malone. She somehow worked her voodoo magic on him, and before you could say "Becker" his career was dead and so was his love-life.

And this is all on top of a career that makes no sense, since she is neither attractive, intelligent, nor funny. Yet she's a "personality".

But what really pisses me off? She's playing the race card. She's on The View now (what, one raging lesbo that bleeds the donkey blood of the liberal getting kicked off your show wasn't enough?). But did she really have to come to the aid of Michael Vick?

Her excuse was "oh, dog fighting is acceptable in the South, he didn't know any better until a few weeks after his admission of guilt". And that if he were from NYC, she wouldn't support him. Well, besides calling all Southerners jackasses and cruel morons that have no regard for life (quite like that of a budding serial killer), she basically said that nobody would know that torturing and killing smaller animals for pleasure was wrong unless they were city-folk.

Well, ok Whoopi. There's another thing the South didn't think was wrong that dealt with torture and lynchings and general cruelty to life. It was also the general way of life for a while. You gonna defend that? We should give all of those people a free pass too. Right moron? Could you be more hypocritcal? Maybe this is intelligent candor on the planet you come from, you know, the one where you can turn invisible and attack Arnold Schwarzenegger in the South American jungles. But in America? Just die.

Duh

A new study reveals that "When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks."

DUH!

Good reporting CNN. Brilliant. That's as dumb as, I dono, "rockers live shorter than normal people." I mean, imagine if somebody studied that. I can't even fathom which Universities and Governments are giving out money to these "scientists" to confirm common sense. They all sound like John Madden to me. "Now here's a guy, when he runs, he moves faster." "This team just has to score more than the other team to win." Idiots! IDIOTS!!!! I hate them. I hope they die.

But, the study found. Girls pick guys based upon their own attractiveness. They try and get the most attractive guy they can keep based upon their attractiveness. Now, this one doesn't make any sense. We've all seen that couple that's mismatched. The hot chick with the fugly guy (Sorry Heidi Klum and Seal). Or the guy that you're like, what is he doing with that piece of crap, chicks love him! (Whoever is married to Star Jones, cause let's face it, unless he's Hitler, he don't deserve that).

New Study: Scientists run out of REAL crap to study. Finding: Die!

New Study: Rockers Die young

Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course “rockers” are going to die younger then average. The drinking, the drugs, the sex, the airplanes, the double barreled shot guns, the ham sandwiches… Think about what you would do if you had an endless supply of all that and no job to take up 50 hours of your week. I would be dead in a week. Once again the thing that frustrates me is why are we bothering to do studies on things like this? It just seems like a waste of time and resources. There are so many important things going on in the world and we are doing research about musicians and if they are more likely to die young?????

This doesn’t seem like you would need to do research about it. You just kind of know this already. I can name a ton of artist that died before 40. Kurt, Jim, John, Jimmy, Marvin, Brad, blind melon guy, Tupac, Biggie, Janis, Buddy. That took me about 30 seconds. And I am sure you are naming more right now. And if we are lucky Spears, Arvil and Fergie will join that crowd.

Please, I am begging you… Do some research that will help someone. Cancer, AIDS, Welfare, War, Global Warming, etc…

Monday, September 3, 2007

Wiccan Wins Lottery

Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett, a teacher of Wicca religion AKA Witchcraft, has come forward as the winner of the Mega Millions jackpot. Does this strike anyone as oh I don’t know…absurd.

“Bartlett, an accountant from Dundalk, said he made a bargain with the multiple gods associated with his Wiccan beliefs: "You let me win the lottery and I'll teach." Both tickets he purchased had numbers chosen randomly from the computer.”

I don’t know about any of you, but I feel that using witchcraft to win the lottery is cheating. If people get suspended in baseball for sticking needles in their asses to make their biceps bulge and their balls shrink, then this man should get suspended for sitting in the middle of a pentagram naked, putting lit candles on the tip of each point, drinking the blood of a sacrificed baby lamb, while praying to his Gods (using his witchcraft) to win the lottery, then he too should be suspended and forced to return all his winnings. I know what most of you are thinking, you have no proof that this man did any of those things to win the lottery, I mean there’s no Witch who wrote a book identifying himself as a person who uses witchcraft for personal gain. Well here’s my proof as to why this man/witch has used his magic for that exact reason.

Proof he uses magic:
Odds of winning Mega Millions as a person = 1 in 176 million or 0.0000006%
Odds of winning Mega Millions as a witch = 1 in 1 or 100%
Used magical powers to turn himself into a combination of Jabba the Hut and King Hippo from Punch Out.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070902/ap_on_re_us/mega_millions_jackpot;_ylt=Al2Y3EbO2i8oJJxVFkSLFDMDW7oF

Friday, August 31, 2007

Impossible


In a shocking turn of events, 10 WWE wrestlers have been suspended for steroid use… WHAT!?!?!? I know, I am just as shocked as you are. I can’t believe guys that look like that D-bag are on steroids. That looks all natural to me. I mean he kind of looks small compared to the guy in that mirror… oh yeah ladies…

What I don’t understand is, these guys aren’t really competing. *This just in: wrestling is fake* why are they getting kicked out for steroid use? There is no advantage when everything is scripted. If I take steroids can my job fire me? I mean they would probably have to fire me because all the women in my office would stop working and follow me around like lost puppies. But can they fire me just for using? Maybe they can, maybe they can’t, but all I know is I haven’t watched wrestling since I was 6 and even then I never thought it would be awesome to wear Speedo’s and rub on other men.

I can understand people wanting steroids out of real sports, a place where steroids can change things that actually matter to people. But taking steroids out of wrestling would be like taking Indian’s out of cab driving. It is a good idea, but then there will be only 6 cabs left.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Attention KMart Shoppers, please get naked...or die


Apparently, the new scam that has been pulled on 15 stores across 11 states over the last week is this: the scammer will call up a grocery store, Kmart, etc. and demand that all the customers in the store get naked...or he'll blow their shit up. Just a small aside, the scammer also asks that money be wired to his account. Most recently, this happened in Hutchinson, Kansas.
Why Kansas? I've been...there's fat people and, um, fat people in training. This is one of the dumbest scams I've ever heard of. I'm pretty sure a horny 13 year old whose computer has a site blocker and TV has a v-chip is the mastermind behind this. What the hell else can be the logic behind it?
The FBI released this warning "...the threat appears to be related to a plot in recent days focusing on banks and stores in places like Detroit, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia and Newport, R.I." Thank you, FBI. So we know we can't go into stores or banks in places like Salt Lake City and Newport. Has ANY PLACE been eliminated?
And this, my friends, is just piss in the ocean as to why I hate people.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A Bitch Named Trouble



Apparently Leona Helmsley, known as the "Queen of Mean" for her tax evasion and general evilness during the '80s has died recently. Her husband made a fortune on luxury hotels and real estate acquisitions to the point that their net worth exceeded a billion dollars. One of her more famous quotes was from a former employee stating "Only the little people pay taxes." Midgets everywhere were furious.

So she's dead. Ding-dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch. The little people will not have to suffer any longer. And neither will her dog. Her Maltese, Trouble, has a 12 million-dollar trust fund set up for her. 12 million. While 2 of her grandkids will get 5 million a piece based upon them having to visit their father's grave site once a year every year. And as for the other two grandkids? They were left nothing due to "reasons that are known to them." And she left millions to her brother as well.

Now, I know what you're saying... I wanna marry that dog. But that would be wrong. I don't know if the $12 million would be worth all the yipping when you don't take the garbage out and I'm sure all the cooking would taste like dog-food. Plus let's not even go into the amount of peanut butter you'd have to keep on hand. And Johnny McNugget is allergic to nuts.

But what is a dog to do with millions? Open a checking account? What does this old bat think that the dog (who will probably live 5-10 years tops) will need all this money for? 100k would be alot. 12 mil is re-god-damn-diculous. Does the dog eat caviar and drink nectar from the Elysian Fields? Just put the thing down. Or give it to Michael Vick to play with.

And the grandkids getting 10 million combined for 4 of them? Wow. Less than the dog. And the article further stipulates that she left behind 3 million for the upkeep of her mausoleum.
The mausoleum, she ordered, must be "washed or steam-cleaned at least once a year." She left behind $3 million for the upkeep of her final resting place in Westchester County, where she is buried with her husband, Harry Helmsley.
And the dog is going to be buried with her. I just wish upon wish that they pocket the 3 million (that's 60% for cleaning up a dead person's house of the inheritance left to her grandchildren) and they piss in that damn mausoleum. What a bitch.

Brokeback Penguins?


Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell’s new book “And Tango Makes Three” has come under fire recently. It is a children’s book, based on a true story about two male penguins that raise a baby penguin. There have been 546 complaints about this book calling for it to be removed from libraries due to its homosexual undertones. Now I haven’t read the book personally but unless there is some male on male penguin ass slamming I am really not worried about this “corrupting” our youth. If they want to cancel something with homosexual under tones they should have cancelled Heman the cartoon. There was more ass patting in that then anything I have ever seen.

Plus since when do we live in Nazi Germany? What are we going to have a giant book burning? Are we going to start hunting and killing all the penguins on the earth because two males raised a baby? They should kill Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer for that horrible show Two and a Half Men, same story except the penguins aren’t all coked out and scoring with hookers.

I am not homosexual myself, (if you don’t believe me just read any of my other posts) but I really think everyone has to chill out when it comes to persecuting anyone and removing books. People claim they are trying to help our youth. Does our youth create their own video games? Their own fatty foods? Their own drugs (huffing spray paint is soooo making a come back)? No the generation before them is what fucked them up. So rather then trying to protect your children from books how about you don’t buy them McDonald's everyday. Encourage them to read a books and news to help them expand their minds. Talk to them once in awhile.

And just for the record, a book can’t turn a child into a homosexual… only your shitty parenting can do that.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

"And I'm sitting here reading don't kill myself books."


It is tough in the streets, the streets around and inside of Owen Wilson’s gated mansion. Two nights ago Owens was hospitalized and rumers started to float around that he attempted to kill himself. Owen Wilson (the odd nosed brother) apparently over dosed on pain pills and slit his wrists. He is currently in stable condition and is getting treatment. He has not confirmed or denied the suicide roomer but he issued a statement:

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

Suicide is never a funny topic, but in this case it is really really close to being funny. You know what I would do if I was a millionaire, that was doing hot chicks, acting in movies, NOT working in an office everyday slowly getting cancer from florescent lighting. I would defiantly kill myself. I would be way to sweet for this world and I would need to move on… wait a minute, no I wouldn’t I would… live, spend money, do chicks, and eat pizza.

Maybe he was really depressed and that brought about this cry for help. Hasn’t he ever heard of buying happiness? What you do is place a 100 dollar bill out of your fly and wait. Bam happiness. You could fly to New Zealand and go surfing and spelunking and have fun but really learn a lot about yourself. Bam happiness. You can pay someone to pick out all the brown cereal in Lucky Charms so you are left with only marshmallows. Bam happiness.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Beauty Pageants or Stupid Pageants

Just another example why Beauty Pageants, and all those involved, should be sent to a remote deserted island and forced to battle the elements. For those of you who live in a box…or have a real life and don’t have time to search the web for pointless videos, there’s a brand new story unfolding. For the past few weeks the Miss Teen USA Beauty Pageant (you know, the ones that look like the really really hot girls at the movie theater that come up to you and ask you to buy them a ticket for a rated R movie) has been going on. Look I know what you thinking… “Jeez Johnny no one cares about the winner, but do you know if they are going to do Playboy in 5 years”? The answer to your question is, “I don’t know, but I sure hope so”. Anyways, I’m not here to talk about the winner, I’m here to talk about one of the losers….the beautiful, the extravagant, the uhhhh not so intelligent Ms. Teen South Carolina.
I’m sure most of you know how the final round of beauty pageants works in general. They line up all the babes and ask them the world’s dumbest questions and see what these soon to be Nobel Prize winners have to say. Sadly after hearing Mrs. South Carolina’s response….I don’t see a Nobel Prize anytime soon in her future. The question she gets asked is basically, “One fifth of Americans cannot find the USA on a map, why is that”? Look with all due respect she could have said anything like, “Well I think Americans are stupid” or “Americans don’t care about maps” or even “I cannot answer this question because it is culturally biased”. But no, what does she say, something along the lines of we need to educate the Americans in Iraq and South Africa so they will help the Americans in the US. I’ve watched this video about 50 times, each time losing more and more brain cells, still very confused on what this young lady is trying to say. Seriously, after watching this video I felt I had to go back and study my times tables. I mean didn’t she think it was weird that she was talking about how Iraq was part of the US but she never met Ms. Teen Iraq???
Although this video is hysterical and it really shows how stupid people can be, I kind of don’t feel that this girl should be ashamed by her answer. Look she tried her best and she fell short…really short, but that’s OK you can get up on that horse and give it another try. However, she should be ashamed at the fact that during her speech a washed up AC Slater laughed right in her face…and that ladies and gentlemen, is something really hard to bounce back from. That is why as of today I’m starting a movement calling for all Beauty Pageant contestants to take a simple entry exam before competing. The exam will consist of three questions:
What is your name?
What state are you from?
Is Iraq part of the United States?
No / Yes / Not sure *

*If the contestant answers anything else besides No for question 3, he/she will be subjected to being slapped across the face with a tire iron.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Beauty is only one deep cut away

We have come a long way as humans. We've invented the sowing machine, the steam engine, computers, and the internets. We've also invented a way to fight the aging process by butchering ourselves, slicing, dicing, nipping, and tucking. Of course, the above was all a painfully long set up for today's topic - plastic surgery.

Since when is it wrong to look your age? Take Katie Couric for example. She'd be a great looking forty-something year old. But now, her face has a perma-grin on it. When she looks at the camera, that evil grin tells me that she's planning on killing me. Or eating babies. Her mouth looks like Jack Nicholson's in Batman (the Michael Keaton/Tim Burton one).

Or Nicole Kidman. I've always had a thing for her, but recently she's started looking permanently scared and manequinn like. Don't get me wrong - 97% of all guys have looked at a manequinn and
been like "Man, I'd love to f*ck that." The other 3% of guys have actually tried and ended up disappointed, splintered, and at times, under arrest.

This is my appeal to women - please stop with the plastic surgery already. I don't mind small boobs. They're nice, cuddly, and portable. Your lips don't have to look like Whoopi Goldberg's. You can have wrinkles! It's ok...

If you want to look younger than you are, take care of yourself. Eat right, exercize, and take supplements. It's hard work to look younger than you are, but if vanity is that friggin' important - treat your body right. Don't rely on the knife to do it for you...you vain f*ck.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Lure of the Mustache


Okay, what I'm about to tell you is a true story. Why is it true? Well, that I don't know.

Mustaches attract younger women.

There, I said it. That's right, read it again. Don't ask me why. They're like magnets. Loki and I were at the mall today trying to see what a Beryl looked like. We decided to be sneaky about it and therefore decided that fake mustaches would be the best course of action. Since there were no halloween stores open yet, we went to Spencers and bought one of those Groucho Marx big nose/glasses/mustache dealies.

We proceeded to rip off the mustache and eyebrows and taped them onto our faces. Within minutes, girls were coming up to us and asking us where we got them, and generally obeying our orders.

We here at Please Everyone Shutup are dedicated to the pursuit of science and will therefore conduct an experiment on the matter. If any of our readers have some experience with mustaches (mustache rides, mustache grooming, etc.) please let us know. Especially let us know if you're a lady-type and what a mustache does for you.

Who wants a mustache ride? I do, I do!

Friday, August 24, 2007

An Appeal to Our Readers

Hey Loyal (and not so loyal) readers,

We here at Please Everyone Shutup have a task for you (it's not homework, so don't moan). We'd just like to get an idea of our readership. If you guys could, please vote in a poll now and then (top right corner). Also, leave your feedback on articles beneath the "Comments" tab. Give yourself a handy nickname, and let us know how you liked the article or what you'd like to see us write about in the future. It really gives us a thrill (and an ego trip) to have our lines quoted back to us, because we're not sure anyone is actually reading this thing.

Lastly, tell a friend. The more people that read this, the more articles and time we'll put into this.

Thanks for your support,
Mr. Book, Mr. Murdoch, Johnny McNugget, & Loki

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Jesus Christ.

Jared Hutchins, 16, believes that the Beatles were a big problem in his life… Bro, you’re 16 you were born in 1991. John Lennon died in 1980… What’s the disconnect here? Unless Paul McCartney has been prank calling you I really don’t see how the Beatles could be a problem in your life.

Jared is a part of a Christian youth group and they attended an “Acquire the Fire” (great name, sounds like everyone is getting the clap) rally in Atlanta, Georgia. It is a music festival in which Christian “Rock” Bands play and talk (preach) about the negative sides of (being normal and having fun) pop culture. The rally seeks to “stage a reverse revolution” you know like the industrially revolution but they would rather take horses and buggies and shit in the woods. Socially speaking I guess no drugs, no sex, but only Christian rock and roll.

Ron Luce, 46 year old (ring leader) founder of the organization has “waged a modern-day crusade against "purveyors of popular culture," whom he has condemned as "the enemy."” Ok this sounds very normal. I understand what their attempt is here, but do they have to sound super militant and preachy? Why not just live the way they want to and let me drink and have sex with multiple partners without protection???? It gets stranger as our boy Ron continued:

"We're fighting for those who don't know they have a voice, that are being manipulated by our pop culture indulging in things that, really, they're not mature enough to be thinking about yet," Luce told CNN.
"Kids are hurting," he said. And of those who he feels inflict these moral wounds, Luce said, "We call them terrorists, virtue terrorists, that are destroying our kids."
"They're raping virgin teenage America on the sidewalk, and everybody's walking by and acting like everything's OK. And it's just not OK."

I just really don’t know where he is coming from. The Beatles are amazing and although I admit Britney Spears’s second album killed me inside a little bit when I heard it I wouldn’t consider her a terrorists. Although the head shaving thing was crazy. I think they should come up with a new name for their enemies. Pop Culture is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Pop Culture means what is in at the time, so if this “reverse revolution” happens then they will become Pop Culture and I am pretty sure that they will be forced to kill themselves. And then at the end there will be like two guys fighting on top of a pile of dead bodies. One will have a sword and the other one will have his knocked away. He will say “No, no, no don’t kill me.” And the other guy will be all like, “I have to, you are pop culture” Then the guy with no sword will go “but if you kill me then the only person left will be you and then you will be pop culture!!!” (Lightening strikes) then he looks up at the sky and screams “WHY GOD WHY!” then I come out all drunk and with hundreds of chicks and kill them both and repopulate the world.

What you think they would have gotten me? Maybe you, but me… NO WAY

Why Mr. Book hasn't posted in a while...

This is why.

The article points out the demise of the "lunch break" at work. Now, I have fallen victim to this for months at a time. It really hits home. During busy season when you're working 8:30-10, 11pm we always order out lunch, then eat it at our desks while working. Apparently, this is done in the name of productivity and efficiency. Well F that crap.
I've been saying for years, you sit and do work straight all day, you get tired and the words and numbers on your screen get jumbled. Sure, if you do something mindless, (i.e. receiving manager at a bedding, bathing, and beyonding store) you don't really need a mental break. But for those of us that make the world go 'round, you need some time to clear your head. And in the off-chance that you DO go out to lunch with co-workers, you always end up talking about work because they have so little else going on in their lives. That DOESN'T count.
And this wonderful little article reminds us of the old-Greek lunch (you can un-clench, it's not what it sounds like). They go home, eat huge meals, then NAP before they come back. You know how clear my mind would be? Much more than if I kept doing work the whole time. But companies such as Vendorseek have decided to skip lunch altogether.
“It is encouraged that we eat at our desks and use this ‘down time’ to address e-mails, inter-office meetings, and other tasks and necessities that would interrupt the flow of the normal course of the work day,” says Ken Wisnefski, president of the company that helps businesses find outsourcing services.
When the hell did meetings, emails, and other work-related tasks become interruptions? Last I checked, email and meetings were kinda essential to the whole process. It sounds like this guy is saying "oh, we'll let you eat while you're at work" when what he's really doing is making them work while they're at lunch.
Well, it turns out giving up your lunch break could actually diminish your productivity, causing you to end up putting in more hours in the long run, not to mention what it does for your health and well being. “I joke sometimes that smokers are the healthiest people in the work place these days because they get outside,” says Brown-Volkman.
Smokers. Smokers are healthier because they leave every 15 minutes to go outside and get their minds cleared. I've often joked that I was going to pick up smoking just so that I could leave every once and a while. Now it's not looking like such a bad idea. Sorry for the crappy post that is soooo-not funny. But I'm pissed. And I'm sure Johnny McNugget agrees.

BRING BACK LUNCH!!!

Oh that is interesting, Wait a minute, no its not, VOMIT



In the news today there is an article stating “Study: Seniors having more sex then you think.” Weird, I don’t ever remember thinking about old people having sex. Actually I try very hard not to think about that. How is this news? Old people are doing it, great, so am I… yeah all the time… Non-stop… right now I am no lie… I’m so lonely…

Is this article to make the rest of us feel bad? So some 80 year old is throwing it to some 74 year old spring chicken and all of a sudden I realize that I am in my sexual prime striking out left and right. God I hate old people! Learn how to drive! A Car A Car, I meant a car!!!

This isn’t a very hard study to conduct. “More old people doing it then I thought” All you have to do is ask one old guy if he is getting in on the regular. If he says “yes” study over. More then I thought. You know what other studies would be stupid,

1. More kindergarten kids are having sex then you think.
2. More horses eat pineapple then you think.
3. More people download octopus porn then you think.
4. More people watch Mind of Mencia then you think. (sorry about using this joke twice but the show isn't funny.)

If any of those are more then 1 then it isn’t more then I thought, it is straight up shocking and appalling. I would like to end this with some witty joke about how gross old people doing it is, but my dry heaving has caused a blood vessel to pop in my eye and I am losing vision.