Sunday, September 30, 2007

Oh Donovan

Let's take a look back at Donovan McNabb's career before we starting taking jabs at him. He's a stud QB that lead Philly to 3 straight NFC Championship games. Was he getting crap before that? Not really. He was being hailed as a Choke artist (much like Peyton Manning before he FINALLY won it all last year). But in my mind, his career took a turn for the worst when he started hooking-up with Terrell Owens (Owens overdosed after that break-up).
Basically, this guy has so many things going against him. He plays in Philly. Philly booed Santa. Apparently, if you can't bring a championship, it doesn't matter if you bring toys and cheer to countless boys and girls. And then, an NAACP official knocked McNabb for being a "stereotypical" black quarterback. They Uncle-Tom'd his ass for not being white enough at quarterback due to the fact that he could scramble and he wasn't a pocket-passer. And then there was the start of the injuries that took him out late in the season in 2004. Once he got back, he lead the team to the Superbowl, but fell short on a drive near the end of the game. Owens said he was out of shape and not capable. This turned into a feud that would ruin McNabb's next year (along with 2 more injuries). Then Rush Limbaugh came out and said that because McNabb was black, the media was pulling for him to do well and that he got more credit than was due to him. McNabb responded,
"It's sad that you've got to go to skin color. I thought we were through with that whole deal".
Then, before this season, the Eagles used their 2nd round draft pick to take Kevin Kolb from Houston and mark him as their "quarterback of the future". McNabb's surgically repaired knee made him play like crap during the first 2 games of the season and the Philly fans got rowdy. So Donovan did his thing and went to Bryant Gumbel with his gripes.
"There's not that many African-American quarterbacks, so we have to do a little bit extra. Because the percentage of us playing this position, which people didn't want us to play ... is low, so we do a little extra.
"I pass for 300 yards, our team wins by seven, [mimicking] 'Ah, he could've made this throw, they would have scored if he did this."
"They don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't." - About Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning

Ok. First off. We? Now every black quarterback has elected Donovan to represent their sentiments? Second, Loki and I counted all of the black quarterbacks we could think of, considering the percentage is so low. We came up with the following list: Donovan McNabb, David Garrard, Jason Campbell, Vince Young, Steve McNair, Daunte Culpepper, Tavarius Jackson, Byron Leftwich (who'll prolly start in Atl soon), and Michael Vick (who woulda played there til his dawgs got him in trouble). That's 9. 8 of them will have started at least one game during this season. That's 25% of the league. Is that too few? Let's look at running backs. White running backs? Brian Leonard. And the only reason he's gonna get a start is cause Stephen Jackson is injured. As soon as Jackson comes back, he's number 2. Plus with all the tandem situations with RB's these days, the 1/32 teams (3.25%) of white running backs is actually smaller since there are about 45-50 running backs that get regular playing time each week.

It's sad that you've got to go to skin color. I thought we were through with that whole deal.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Rocko's Modern Life - Most Perverted Cartoon Ever?

Was Rocko's Modern Life the most perverted cartoon to ever hit the airwaves? I'm convinced it was. It's dirtier than South Park and Anime porn because they are pitched as cartoons with adult themes. Rocko was sold as a kiddie cartoon.

You're thinking - Loki sees what he wants. While this claim is 100% true (and the reason that I think any girl I've ever dated looks like Jennifer Aniston's head on Jessica Alba's body - even if they happen to look like the back of my balls), I intend to prove beyond the shadow of reasonable doubt, that this show was a perv-fest.

1. Rocko and Hefer always ate a restaurant called "Chokey's Chicken" which in the last season all of a sudden became "Chewy's Chicken" because they could not get away with it any longer.
2. When Rocko lost his job at Kinda-Alot-O-Comics, he became a phone sex operator. Mrs. Bighead called up the hotline and Rocko picked up the phone and answered in his sexy Aussie accent "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby". It got real awkward real quick.
3. They had Filbert cross-dress in a bunch of episodes. Does the line "call me Ophelia" ring a bell? (Probably not; it does to me because I spent the better part of my childhood in front of a TV).
4. When Rocko would visit Hefer (who lived with a pack of wolves), Hefer's father would always yell out "Let's eat the beaver!!!" (referring to Rocko, who was a wallaby).

There, my friends, you have it. This was by no means a clean show. If you can think of any more perverted Rocko's Modern Life situations, lines, etc. I'd love to hear them. Feel free to comment away!

PS How did Filbert and Dr. Hutchinson have a successful love life with that hook-hand of hers? Ouch...

Female Drivers

Maple Valley, Washington a woman who had been missing for eight days was found alive in her car at the bottom of a ravine conveniently located by the side of the road. Tanya Rider was extremely dehydrated and had cuts and bruises as well as some internal damage to her kidneys. Police and rescue units had to cut the roof off of her car to get her out.

While Tanya was missing the police started to look for suspects and even suspected her husband of foul play. While he sat down for a lie detector test police received a call with her location and went to the scene of the accident. Police managed to locate Tanya by tracing a signal from her cell phone…

Wait, she sat in a car for 8 days with no water or food… but a cell phone? Umm… Why didn’t she call someone? The police, her husband, Domino’s… Anyone!!! She would have been out of that hole the same day. You can’t tell me that you are trapped in a car for eight days and don’t think to yourself. “How can I get out of here? Oh I know I can take my cell phone and call someone to come and get me.”

What does she think she’s too good for cell phones? Is she above them? Of course she isn’t. The only people that are too good for cell phones are Jedi’s and she doesn’t look like a Jedi to me. If she was a Jedi she could use her light saber and carve a hole out of the car then jump back on the road. Then she can stop a car by using the force and then talk the driver into driving her back home by using a simple Jedi mind trick.

God this is just like a woman, to make something so much worse then it really is. “No, I can’t get an abortion, I am against it.” BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Luci Lu?

This is fantastic. In Richland Township, Pa two women dressed as ninjas carrying swords and daggers robbed a gas station. First of all, HOTTTTT!!! Second of all, Ninjas are masters of all forms of combat, and I am pretty sure if you have the ninja clothes and swords, you are a ninja no matter your training.

The gas station attendant was tied up and the Fem-Ninjas robbed his store. This is exactly how one of my fantasies starts. Not the one with the elephant but the other one, you know the one with the girl ninjas tying me up. Then the Fem-Ninjas make all that origami in front of me, tempting me with paper boobs. Then the real stuff happens.

The gas station attendant was not hurt and he had this to say about the robbery:

"It's shocking. Things like that just don't happen out here. I just can't believe it happened,"

Really Mr. Gas Man??? I guess Pennsylvania isn’t the Ninja Capital of the world, like we all thought it was. Weird…

Police have no lead in solving this case. I just want to tell them now that they have no chance. Think about the Ninja Turtles, they have been entertaining children for over twenty years now and the cops are none the wiser. And Shredder, he is still out there, I just named 5 ninjas, no jail sentences… It is safe to say that Ninjas are the un-rivaled masters of the cosmos.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Chris Crocker to Get His/Her/It’s Own TV Show…What a Crock!?

A statement released earlier on the Internet claims Crocker is in talks with a film company to star in his own reality TV show. If you need time to go outside and scream or punch a wall to release some of your anger, I strongly suggest you do it now before you continue reading (I myself used a very common method, dropping a cinder block on my face).

First of all, I want to know what asshole sits in their office and thinks “Oh my God, we need to get this kid his own TV Show”. Seriously, whatever this person is smoking I would love to get me at least a bag or two. Does this person want their company’s stocks to plummet? Why hasn’t this person been fired? Why hasn’t someone sat them down and told them that people would rather watch me take a dump after eating Taco Bell then watch a show starring this kid? The only way a show about COCKer would work is if it involved him being tied to a wooden stake and each day I wake up and rocket a baseball at his ugly ass face. And it plays over and over again, in slow motion. I’m telling you that would sell!

When are these people going to realize that Internet personalities (minus everyone at PESU) are not funny and are horrible at acting, i.e. Andy Milonakis. Look the Milonakis show was funny for two episodes, but then it stopped. Why you ask, because these people post like 5 million videos every year and only one video ever becomes famous. COCKer’s video wasn’t even funny it…it was stupid. Also, there are claims out there stating that COCKer uses page refresh programs to make it appear that people are viewing his videos when in reality they are not. This kid is the Barry Bonds of you tube, and I for one don’t appreciate cheaters. After stepping back and taking a long hard look at the world I realize that we are on a straight path to the apocalypse…

5. The Sarah Silverman Show got renewed for a second season
4. Mind of Mencia is still on.
3. Captain America died.
2. A meteorite slammed into Earth sickening those who came into contact with it (AKA turning them into zombies who will one day rise from the dead and feast upon the brains of the living, except for me because I’m the man).
1. Chris Crocker is getting his own TV show entitled “Cocks or Vaginas: A Day in the Life of Chris Crocker”.

Just Say No to Foreign Sperm!!!

So, the US has a ban on imported sperm.

Yeah - read correctly. The US will not let sperm banks import foreign sperm produced after 2005 because of a rare disease that is associated with mad cow disease.

There are thousands of couples in the US in which the man is sterile, but the couple wants a child that looks like both of them. So they'll go to a sperm bank and request a Scandinavian donor's nut, so they can get a blond haired, blue eyed baby (assuming that the mother has both of these traits too). For these couples, it is getting harder and harder to get their hands on this imported baby batter (gross).

Fertility tourism, or the practice of going to another country to get artificially inseminated, is becoming a booming business due to this ban.

I have come up with a way better idea on how you can get in contact with sperm that'll produce a blond haired, blue eyed baby (gross). Ladies, I am proud to report that I have blond hair and blue eyes. I am not licensed in artificial insemination, so you may have to get it right from the tap.

Or you can always try contacts and dye...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Welcome To Earff

I KNEW IT, I HAVE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS! All the nah-sayers look like a bunch of ass clowns now. All the Democrats and hippies, save the earth man Global Warming will kill us all man… All the Republicans and the South, if we don’t bomb then they will bomb us, mutually assured destruction… The debate went on and on, what would eventually destroy the earth/human life as we know it. Finally proof, a meteorite crashed into Peru yesterday creating a 66 feet wide and 16 feet deep crater. Today there have been over 200 cases of people getting sick from headaches, nausea and respiratory problems. We all know what this means… ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!!!!

First off let me clear some rumors about aliens. They are not queer little green things with big eyes and guts. They certainly are not scientologists. Sorry Tom Cruise, I know how big of a fan you are of this site but we still don’t like you. They aren’t coming here to eat our Reese Pieces or get laid by our women (that’s my job). They are coming here to wipe us out.

Haven’t you ever seen that documentary? The one about the world ending… ummm…. Independence Day, Yeah the one with Goldbloom and Will Smith. What you think they just made that stuff up? Shit we all gotta learn Morse Code.

We still have a chance though. It isn’t over until we say it is. Look, they crashed into Peru. That is in South America. Hey, they can have South America. I say we count that as lost. Not like we ever acknowledged them as part of the world before. I say once they all land there we send over the greatest task force ever created: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stephen Hawkins, Charles Manson, Justin Timberlake, Fran Dresser, Chuck “the Iceman” Liddell, and Zack Morris. Now that is an unstoppable team. That team can out muscle, smart, creep, dance, annoy, Kong Fu chop, and awesome the aliens. The Aliens will stand no chance.

Then we will kill all the men and take their woman and children and have slaves. It will be awesome. We just can mess it up this time…

Monday, September 17, 2007

OJ is innocent

OJ didn’t do it. That is impossible. I was chilling OJ everyday for the last week. On September 9th I woke up and had a sore throat so I was like I should go get some medicine. So I went to the store and got my meds then I saw OJ. I was like oh shit OJ, OJ was just sitting there so I was like “hey, I should pick you up and you can come back to my house.”
So OJ and I headed back to my house and I made some eggs and OJ just chilled. The reason I picked up OJ in the first place was because it is really good for you. It has a ton of vitamin C and that really helps your immune system. It also helps prevent scurvy and all my pirate friends are really gracious.
Wait… not Orange Juice??? Oh, OJ Simpson… Oh that nigga did that shit!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Another YouTube Star

Ok, so I know what you're thinking...who does Loki hate today?
Well, today my friends I come bearing a message of love. This impassioned fan has opened my eyes to the injustice of this world. How dare anyone make fun of a white trash, chain smoking, drugged up, trailer ho that's never heard of underpants, and is an inch away from using her kids as human airbags indeed! Her unique perspective has caused me to reflect on all the pain that I have caused others by my mere utterances and that maybe I should think before I tear anyone else a new colostomy hole. I curled up under a white bedsheet and made a video apologizing to everyone that I've ever hurt. Total run time is just slightly under 3 weeks. Thank you, chica, for this epiphany. I would've never had it without you.

Wait - this is a dude? Awwwwkwaaaard
My apology video is getting destroyed and I'm ready to rampage!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Facebook Doesn’t Suck…the People on it Do!

People who suck on Facebook

1. The “I Never Went to College but I Have a Facebook Account” person.
Look I’m sorry to say that Facebook was invented not only to keep in touch with your friends from high school (why you need to use the Internet to keep in touch with your “friends” is beyond me), but also and more importantly it was invented so kids in college could meet new people and in the event of an emergency (i.e. group presentation tomorrow or Corporate HOs and CEOs party) to get in touch with one another. This person however feels the need to join Facebook because Myspace sucks and no one uses it. Look jerk off you’re not cool because you didn’t go to school and you think you’re the man because you’re on a site that was once strictly reserved for college students, you’re a loser who has no friends and wishes they went to school and did something with their lives. Seriously, at least put down your high school as your education network, not no network which makes you seem like a creepy stalker.

2. The “I Added Every Application to My Page on Facebook” person.
The whole application thing was cute on Facebook for about 5 minutes, and now its just annoying. When I click on someone’s page that has all those apps on them I feel like I’m looking at a billboard advertising for crappy computer programmers rather than a hot girls page. All I want to do is look at your pictures, not buy you a fake drink on your happy hour wall.

3. The “Alcoholics Anonymous” or “The End of Sobriety” or even worse “I Don’t Remember Taking These Pictures” titling of photo albums person.
This person has become an epidemic on Facebook and needs to be stopped, preferably by burning at the stake. Look, we all know that drinking beer in college is like masturbating during puberty, but who the hell do you think you are that you have to make it known that you get drunk. First of all, posting drunken pictures of yourself online is one of the most retarded things a person could do, peeing on an electric fence is obviously number 1. Do you think people look at your pictures and think to themselves “Oh man this kid is the man, he plays beer pong and funnels…damn I need to be his friend”…NO!!! When I see a person who titles their albums like that, I run up behind, knock them down, and proceed to take a dump on their face. Not to mention alcoholism is a disease, and the only diseases that are allowed to be made fun of are AIDS because only gay people get it and lice because smelly dirty people get it.

4. The person who puts this quote “Here’s to the nights I’ll never remember with the friends I’ll never forget” anywhere on their page person, person.
…self explanatory.

Monday, September 10, 2007

MTV = Classy

Another incredibly successful VMA’s were held yesterday and many events that transpired were top news stories. Britney Spears came out dressed in drag and put forth one of the sorriest excuses of a performance since Tom Cruise's “I am not Gay” while jumping on Oprah’s couch. Wait Britney is still a woman… Oh this just got really sad… Unfortunately I didn’t get to watch the VMA’s but whenever you can’t lip-sync songs you supposedly wrote it is a heartbreaking story.

But not to be out done the Jerry Springer show broke out when the extremely “not” white trash Kid Rock punched the extremely “not” dirty Tommy Lee in the face. Leading the world to think, that these two are fight over two pieces of silicon wrapped in Hepatitis. I mean honestly you guys are two… umm…very… umm… well kinda… “special” guys, don’t fight over a half woman half rubber android sent from the future to run in slow motion.

And finally Kanye’s tampon fell out when he learned that he will only be performing from his suite and not from the main stage like Justin. Kanye:

'Why did I perform in just a suite?' . 'Justin's my boy, but even he gets to perform in both a suite and on the main stage? Something's wrong here.' "

He also, once again, lost all categories he was up for causing him to say:

"That's two years in a row, man ... I'm trying hard, man, I have the ... #1 record, man."

Just give Kanye his due. I mean we all know ones life isn’t complete without a VMA trophy or whatever the hell you win. Otherwise we will have to listen to him cry for another year about how he was robbed and how he is really a black man. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Wow truly another amazing and classy night hosted to us by MTV.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

He's 12 just hit him.

A 7th grader from Georgia held 6 classmates hostage with a stake knife he brought from home. One of the hostages managed to escape and tell a teacher who cleared the hallway and notified police. After 45 minutes of negotiation the police managed to trap the boy between the door and the wall and disarm him. The boy’s name is being held because he is a minor but he is facing charges of carrying a weapon on school grounds, false imprisonment and terroristic threats and acts.

Unfortunately school violence has become so common place that unless someone is killed, it isn’t even really reported about. The only reason I bring it up now is because I walked by a 711 and I am pretty sure I saw Whoopi Goldberg in it talking to the teller. I heard her say, in a Jamaican accent:

“See mon, he is from the south, he grew up with knives. Knives and stabbing is accepted in the south. Especially in the Deep South. I mean they don’t know any better.”

Then he left the 711 in his tie dyed shirt, hopped in the front of his cab and drove away. Damn Whoopi you always make me think. By the way, Whoopi is jacked.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I'm hot as fire baby, hot as ice

These have been the words ripping apart at my brain like a woman that has only had sex once giving birth. I'm proud (and thankful) to admit that I am not the lyricist behind such ridiculous's the chorus from the new Britney Spears song, which is followed by about 12 "break it doooo-wwwwwn /break it dooooo-wwwwwn"s. First gripe - who uses break it down anymore? I think last time I heard "break it down" in a song, it was followed by a lot of "oohhs" and "pick up the hammer".

I hate to admit it, but I have spent the better part of a week figuring out what the f*ck "hot as ice" means. Granted, I'm a complete asshole for trying to find meaning in a Britney Spears song - it's like looking for the meaning of life in a scientology pamphlete.

But there has been a break through at last! After about 8 days of pondering - I have figured it out...

...Britney is a f*cking idiot. I know you already knew that...I'm the ass that took 8 days to figure out what I already know. But on the bright side, you now have more time to contemplate why Rikki Lake was ever popular or why do companies have to ruin delicious marshmellows by putting cereal in the mix. You're welcome.


Well. Whoopi Goldberg has done it again.

She's shocked me. First there was her and Ted Danson in a love affair. Ted freakin' Danson. Sam Malone. She somehow worked her voodoo magic on him, and before you could say "Becker" his career was dead and so was his love-life.

And this is all on top of a career that makes no sense, since she is neither attractive, intelligent, nor funny. Yet she's a "personality".

But what really pisses me off? She's playing the race card. She's on The View now (what, one raging lesbo that bleeds the donkey blood of the liberal getting kicked off your show wasn't enough?). But did she really have to come to the aid of Michael Vick?

Her excuse was "oh, dog fighting is acceptable in the South, he didn't know any better until a few weeks after his admission of guilt". And that if he were from NYC, she wouldn't support him. Well, besides calling all Southerners jackasses and cruel morons that have no regard for life (quite like that of a budding serial killer), she basically said that nobody would know that torturing and killing smaller animals for pleasure was wrong unless they were city-folk.

Well, ok Whoopi. There's another thing the South didn't think was wrong that dealt with torture and lynchings and general cruelty to life. It was also the general way of life for a while. You gonna defend that? We should give all of those people a free pass too. Right moron? Could you be more hypocritcal? Maybe this is intelligent candor on the planet you come from, you know, the one where you can turn invisible and attack Arnold Schwarzenegger in the South American jungles. But in America? Just die.


A new study reveals that "When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks."


Good reporting CNN. Brilliant. That's as dumb as, I dono, "rockers live shorter than normal people." I mean, imagine if somebody studied that. I can't even fathom which Universities and Governments are giving out money to these "scientists" to confirm common sense. They all sound like John Madden to me. "Now here's a guy, when he runs, he moves faster." "This team just has to score more than the other team to win." Idiots! IDIOTS!!!! I hate them. I hope they die.

But, the study found. Girls pick guys based upon their own attractiveness. They try and get the most attractive guy they can keep based upon their attractiveness. Now, this one doesn't make any sense. We've all seen that couple that's mismatched. The hot chick with the fugly guy (Sorry Heidi Klum and Seal). Or the guy that you're like, what is he doing with that piece of crap, chicks love him! (Whoever is married to Star Jones, cause let's face it, unless he's Hitler, he don't deserve that).

New Study: Scientists run out of REAL crap to study. Finding: Die!

New Study: Rockers Die young

Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course “rockers” are going to die younger then average. The drinking, the drugs, the sex, the airplanes, the double barreled shot guns, the ham sandwiches… Think about what you would do if you had an endless supply of all that and no job to take up 50 hours of your week. I would be dead in a week. Once again the thing that frustrates me is why are we bothering to do studies on things like this? It just seems like a waste of time and resources. There are so many important things going on in the world and we are doing research about musicians and if they are more likely to die young?????

This doesn’t seem like you would need to do research about it. You just kind of know this already. I can name a ton of artist that died before 40. Kurt, Jim, John, Jimmy, Marvin, Brad, blind melon guy, Tupac, Biggie, Janis, Buddy. That took me about 30 seconds. And I am sure you are naming more right now. And if we are lucky Spears, Arvil and Fergie will join that crowd.

Please, I am begging you… Do some research that will help someone. Cancer, AIDS, Welfare, War, Global Warming, etc…

Monday, September 3, 2007

Wiccan Wins Lottery

Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett, a teacher of Wicca religion AKA Witchcraft, has come forward as the winner of the Mega Millions jackpot. Does this strike anyone as oh I don’t know…absurd.

“Bartlett, an accountant from Dundalk, said he made a bargain with the multiple gods associated with his Wiccan beliefs: "You let me win the lottery and I'll teach." Both tickets he purchased had numbers chosen randomly from the computer.”

I don’t know about any of you, but I feel that using witchcraft to win the lottery is cheating. If people get suspended in baseball for sticking needles in their asses to make their biceps bulge and their balls shrink, then this man should get suspended for sitting in the middle of a pentagram naked, putting lit candles on the tip of each point, drinking the blood of a sacrificed baby lamb, while praying to his Gods (using his witchcraft) to win the lottery, then he too should be suspended and forced to return all his winnings. I know what most of you are thinking, you have no proof that this man did any of those things to win the lottery, I mean there’s no Witch who wrote a book identifying himself as a person who uses witchcraft for personal gain. Well here’s my proof as to why this man/witch has used his magic for that exact reason.

Proof he uses magic:
Odds of winning Mega Millions as a person = 1 in 176 million or 0.0000006%
Odds of winning Mega Millions as a witch = 1 in 1 or 100%
Used magical powers to turn himself into a combination of Jabba the Hut and King Hippo from Punch Out.;_ylt=Al2Y3EbO2i8oJJxVFkSLFDMDW7oF