Awesome Day for News

Well, it's an amazing day for news. Here's the summary:

Rape Victim or Toilet-Clogging Fudge Thief

Apparently a woman broke into a fudge shop, stole hundreds of dollars worth of fudge, packed them in her purse and pockets, and then went to a hotel where she told them she needed a place to stay for the night because she had just been raped. They called the cops for her, and the police found her trying to flush the fudge down the toilet.

What is she the Robin Hood of fudge? Steal from the rich, give to the... toilet? I think she has the wrong impression about "fudge-packing". The best part about this though, is the video when the cops are commenting. "The officers just happened to notice that she had large pieces of chocolate fudge in her pockets... her shirt was all stained with fresh fudge." "The toilet was overflowing, there was fudge on the floor and in the toilet, it was pretty much a mess." Awesome.

That's no cookie jar, it's a cremation urn

A woman sold a ceramic turtle to someone that wanted to use it as a cookie jar. It turns out, this turtle held the ashes of her husband's previous wife. Whoops. Why do women feel they always hafta take your stuff and clean it up or throw it away? Sometimes the stupidest things hold sentimental value to you... Like your dead wife's ashes. Amazingly enough, they got the jar back with the ashes from a thrift shop. This begs the question, how dirty are these people? If I bought something I wanted to use as a cookie jar from someone, I'd CHECK for dirt/ashes. Also, if I sold something, I'd clean it out first. And the fact that it was at a thrift shop? It was bought and sold a second time! And nobody thought to open it up and clean it out? Remind me not to buy anything from THAT thrift shop...

Man sneaks monkey into country - under hat

A man flew from Peru to Ft. Lauderdale to NYC. With a monkey under his hat. How the hell you gonna tell me we can find terrorists if we can't notice a guy with a hat that throws crap at you and makes noises? And he had a layover too! But in further news, I'm hearing he had less than 3 oz. of clear liquid, so he was ok.

Clerk grabs gun, turns tables on clumsy robber

Remember when bad guys used to be scary? Now they're just dumb. I blame it on the decline of super-villainy schools that has plagued this nation since the late 80's (friggin Robocop).

A robber came into a convenience store, and poor Hafiz Alam was staring down the barrel of a shot gun. As soon as he goes to give the guy the money, the stupid robber puts down his shot gun to grab it. This teaches you, sometimes smaller handguns are better for the job (less bulky). Had he gone to school in Detroit, he would know this. Long story short, Hafiz grabs the gun, points it at the robber. The robber runs away, dropping the cash. The robber, realizing HE'S been robbed says "hellz no" and goes back for his gun. The two men struggle, gun goes off, but nobody gets hurt, and the robber runs away again. A guy sees the license plate on the getaway car (it's called mud man, put MUD on the plates). They track him down and tear-gas his apartment. Idiot.

God bless America.