Tuesday, September 30, 2008

OK! Magaine Lies More Than Scientology...And Doesn't Even Use Aliens

What your looking at is this months cover of OK! magazine (I noticed this while I was at the Supermarket trying to decide on which candy bar I was going to purchase. I went with the Milky Way, its safe, consistent, and durable...it's basically the Toyota Camry of candy bars). OK! Magazine has just accomplished the impossible...they used the words Kim Kardashian and Thin in the same sentence.

Well, I attempted to read this poor excuse for an article and I was astonished. Apparently you can still be skinny even though you have giant curves and an ass the size of Texas. Now, I'm not saying that Kim is fat, not gonna lie I would hit it, but shes in no way skinny. Mischa Barton is skinny, Kate Hudson is skinny, Kim Kardashian has a giant ass. Imagine if I went around saying that I'm skinny, just that my giant gut and thick wrists are curvy. See?

A Good Cup of Coffee.

Coffee... the second best thing you can get in the morning... the first, is oral.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Please Everyone Shut Up… Not everyone is gay, just most people.

This week was a big “coming out” party for celebrities; however I don’t call it “coming out” when they were obviously gay for years.

Lindsay Lohan admitted to being in a homosexual relationship with Sam Ronson. NO WAY!!! Impossible I have only seen about 50 pictures of them kissing, holding hands and oh yeah scissoring each other. Ok maybe not the last one but come on. When was this a secret?

Clay Aiken, ok first hint… his first name rhymes with gay. DUH. Second of all, if you are holding a cigarette next to him you don’t need a lighter to begin sucking down those delicious poison fumes. You just need to lean closer to him and it will ignite.

Tom Cruise, who didn’t see this coming? wait he didn’t? Are you sure? I had this whole thing written up about him finally admitting he was gay and wanting to have sex with alien men with glowing penises and stuff… oh well that joke doesn’t work now. Although I will keep it on ice for when he finally does come out and then it will kill. KILL I tell you!!!

I have no problem with gay guys. Nope, none what so ever, if they are gay then they are out banging dudes, you know what that does? IT LEAVES MORE WOMEN FOR ME! Hey if every guy out there became a butt pirate do you know how much pussy I would get! More then I can shake a stick at for sure.

You know what I do have a problem with? Lesbians. Yeah that’s right I might be the first guy ever born that doesn’t like female carpet munchers. Sure it is nice to see two good looking women go at it for awhile but do you know what that leaves me with? MY FUCKING HAND!!! If a hot woman, wants to do other hot women that eliminates two hot women from doing me. It’s math.

PS: I am so happy my grandmother doesn’t have internet.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

David Blaine… Please Shut Up

“Magician” David Blaine preformed another one of his stunts in Central Park this week. Oh you didn’t hear about it? That’s weird considering David Blaine is still such a big star.

Blaine hung upside-down for 60 hours. Yup, hung upside-down, now that’s fucking magic. Just as magical as that time he laid in a grave for a week with no food. Yup, not eating, magic. Or that time he was underwater for 4 days and he was breathing in scuba gear. Yeah, I can’t even make up something that is magical about that one.

What the fuck David! Make a quarter disappear and then reappear behind my ear. That is magic… not eating for a week, that isn’t magic, that’s starving! Fucking homeless people do that all the time. They can also make a quarter disappear, however they never make it reappear. That is why they are homeless and not magicians.

So David either do some magic or go away. No one cares about the dumb shit you do. What’s next? You’re not going to shave for a month? Holy shit, this guy can do anything!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Reason Number 69 (heh heh) Why I Love Soap Operas

Mischa Barton, star of the smash hit, but short lived TV series The O.C. had a little too much fun last night at the Fashion Relief Show in London. I don't really know what the Fashion Relief Show is... but by looking at this picture it has something to do with relieving someone of their clothes.

All I wanna know is, where do I sign up for next years event, is there a waiting list, and of course what type of meals will be served at this event. To save some time if anyone knows the answers to these questions go something along the lines of online, no waiting list, and vegetable platters...my response would have to be "Well then I'm sorry but the first two sound great to me, but unfortunately I cannot deal with the last one. Thank you for your time, and I hope next year you will consider some type of Buffet style event as I would love to attend". PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Next on the Auction Block, This Fine Young Lady's Hymen

click this link for article
This lovely young lady, going by the alias Natalie Dylan, is auctioning her virginity to help pay for her graduate school because "[She] wants to earn her Master's degree without having to work while doing her studies." I applaud Natalie for her extreme laziness. Hmmm, work for 4 years or get felt up/wrecked by some creepy old guy? It's a toss up.

Dylan's taken a polygraph test and is willing to undergo a medical exam to prove her v-card status. Man she's lucky that it's still in tact. My ex-girlfriend lost hers while she was riding a horse. And then again after having sex with several men.

Apparently, hundreds of offers have already come in, most (I'm guessing) are from lonely, old guys. Some offers on the table have been from male virgins. Dennis Hof, who is helping organize/legitimize the auction, says Natalie will be considering may factors in determining who she will make the lucky man, who will have an awkward, bloody, painful (on her end) good time. She'll be considering the amount of money offered and the man's personality. "She wants to be with a nice person that is going to help her continue her education," said Hof. Don't we all, Dennis? Don't we all...

Let's be honest here. She's cute, but not quarter of a mill cute...unless I get to keep her when I'm done.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Britney's New Album Drops this December

Following her mega-hit album, Blackout, Britney Spears will be dropping her hotly anticipated album, Circus, this December. Oh shit, I forgot sarcasm does not translate well when typed.

When asked for a comment about Circus, Britney replied, "Circus? I like dem monkies. Dey always touchin' theyselves. This one time, I done seen one scratch his butt and then he done fell off the tree..." Ms. Spears continued talking but I tuned out.

Three things I look forward to dropping more than the new Britney album:
1. Rosie O'Donnell's bowel movement after half a cheese cake, two glasses of milk, and a 7 course meal at El Cholo
2. A meteor
3. My white blood cell count

Thursday, September 11, 2008

NOT a Note Worthly Conspiracy Thoery

9.11 brings out feelings in every American. Some are saddened by the people who were lost, some feel fearful of another attack, Texans feel they should buy a gun and fire wildly into the sky and some (loser assholes) feel 9.11 was a government conspiracy.

While walking past the World Trade Center this morning I saw many people morning and honoring the fallen men and women. Some in tears, some holding flags, but there was a collective sense of togetherness as we can all agree that what happened 7 years ago was a terrible act of cowardice.

When I finally got through the crowd (I was 25 minutes late for work) I saw another group of people wearing the shirt shown above. They stood completely by themselves armed with unkempt facial hair, glasses and guts. These Michael Moore want-to-bes leaned against a building breathing heavily as this has been the most physical thing they have done in the last 10 years.

They claim they are there to make people think, it sure made me think. “These guys are all Jerkoffs.”

They claim that they have proof, they sure proved a lot of things to me. 1) They proved that they don’t have jobs. Who can afford to sit out there all day and just hang out? It's a fucking Thursday. 2) They proved that without jobs they definitely live in their mother’s basement and play computer games all day.

Who needs girls when you have World of Warcraft and Hot Pockets?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A Note Worthy Conspiracy Theory

I am not a sweet-tooth. I have always preferred chips and beer over candy and milk shakes. I really like salt and I find that nothing compliments chips, pretzels and hot wings (I don't care if they aren't salty, they are fucking awesome) better than a nice frosty brew. So you can understand my amazement when I stumbled upon a tiny piece of chocolate named Mr. Goodbar.

I looked up the ingredient and they were quite simple: chocolate and peanuts. Who hasn't had those two together, they are an epic combination. Yet still I didn't see anything to go nuts (stupid puns) about. I opened the cleverly named bar and popped it in my mouth. Then I shouted the first thing that came to my mind.

“What the fuck Mr. Goodbar!” at which my co-workers looked at me in shock.

That little chocolate man created such a delicious explosion in my mouth, I could hardly contain myself. After re-examining the wrapper for the hidden ingredient, I saw that there was none. I immediately took another bar and ran back to my desk.

From there I hung Mr. Goodbar upside down and dipped him in and out of water as I yelled (they really shouldn't tell the American public how they torture people, waterboarding is really easy to do).

“What is in you, you son of a bitch!?” “Why are you so fucking delicious?!” “You better start fucking talking?!”

Yet he wouldn't. He was as stoic as a statue. I could appreciate this as a man, however I thought to myself, “I must break him.” This is when I went back to the bag of mini candy bars and noticed that Mr. Goodbar had a wife. Her name: Krackel.

Soon after my threats against Krackel's life, I broke Mr. Goodbar. It seems he couldn't handle watching me crack her crispies. Defeated, he told me the secrets of his genetic make-up. It seems in the 60’s there was an adjustment to the composition of the bar when more “peanuts” were added… More peanuts, sure, you call it peanuts, I call it heroin. That’s right! Heroin, in your chocolate, yup you heard it here.

Fuck me, I need another fix of Mr. Goodbar.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What Do Tina Turner and Cuba Have in Common?

Ike smacked the crap outta them.

"This has been a curse on Cuba," said Vanessa Rincon, 46, as she waited in a long line at a Havana grocery store, holding a handcart full of candles, water, crackers, bread, soft drinks and chocolate. "We were spared for so long but now we're coming face to face with hell. Our luck has run out."

I agree. This is what Commies get. Plus, I bet one of the Castro's had her killed shortly after for defaming her country. My thought is that Kim Jong Il and a renegade Soviet have stumbled upon a weather-making machine from the days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. First Katrina, then Gustav, now Ike. Think. Katrina (Russian), Gustav (German/Russian), Ike (Tina Turner beater, therefore un-American). To cover their tracks of trying to blow up the Gulf-Coast oil reserves, they had to martyr Cuba. Will these Commies stop at nothing!!!???!!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Whatcha Talkin' About Willis?

Everybody's 2nd favorite famous 80's black child-actor that had a growth disease (I've always liked Webster's Emmanuel Lewis best) Gary Coleman done went and hit a man with his truck. The story goes, Coleman was in a bowling alley, a fan wanted a picture of or with him, Gary didn't want the fan to have that picture. The fan took it anyway. Coleman pulled out of his parking spot and hit him later in the night.

Wow. You can't make that up. Little people driving trucks. Can he even see over the dash? Cause that would be a totally acceptable defense. It was an accident. He's three feet tall. He couldn't see.

I think back to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Short-round sits on phone books and has huge platform shoes to drive the taxi. "Docta Jones, Docta Jones, you snap one more picta of me, I drive ova you!" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Doctor Jones???" Yeah, that's awesome.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Heart Attack!

Members of the band Heart are furious that Sarah Palin's intro song is their late 70's hit Barracuda. If you know the song, it's pretty fun and it's also on one of the Guitar Hero games. It goes something like this:

[Low electric distorted guitar]
Dun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duh duhdah

[weird screechy singing]
You lying so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me
You'd have me down down down down on my knees
Now wouldn't you, barracuda?

Sarah Palin (a.k.a. Loki's newest crush, a.k.a. Sarah Barracuda from her high school basketball days) is probably THE most important vice-presidential candidate in US history. Think about it. Does anyone care what Biden does? He's just Biden his time (haha, sorry, that was crappy). But if McCain were to win the election somehow, he could die within 20 minutes of inauguration being 375 years old. Never before has anyone expected the Pres to die of old age in office. This could happen, and we could have a semi-hotty hockey mom with a slutty daughter as the first female President of the US.

So Heart is mad. They, like all other musicians and actors, are unabashedly liberal. Which I don't get. They basically get paid inordinate amounts of money, give SOME of it back. I know Brangelina is amazing and whatever, but they just bought a friggin' $70 million vineyard in France, and something tells me they could've done with a lavish $2 million and given $68 million to some country in Africa where all the citizens' yearly income together is less. And yet they pretend to care about the common man, or the blue-collar worker. They suck! They sit around for 2-3 hours a day getting their hair and make-up done, 3 hours with a personal trainer, and then they act like they're someone cool. And then they collect. Or with rock stars, they just sit on a pimped-out bus and do drugs, have sex, and tour the country. Boo-hoo. So don't pretend like you care. And if someone wants to use your music, or your catch phrase, or your likeness, deal with it. That's what you get paid for. Like your music has THAT much influence where it'll sway someone to vote for the McCain ticket. Get over yourself.

Paris Hilton Falls Prey To Password Hacker...So Do 12 Year Olds

Yes, that's correct. Like many other Americans, Paris has had her computer password stolen by hackers using sophisticated XxHAXORxX techniques...like e-mail and AIM. Apparently these password stealing people are a huge problem because some guy wrote an article about it, and I actually bothered to read it (the whole thing too).

Honestly, when the hell was the last time you heard of anyone getting their password stolen like this... 1, maybe 2 DECADES ago? Jesus Christ I remember when I was around 13 and me any my friends used to sit around and try to steal our friend's passwords the exact same way. I think it worked once...and only because we tried it on his little brother, who was fucking 7 at the moment.

Lastly, I love how this article uses Paris Hilton as its test subject. Like OMG if Paris fell for it...anyone could! I say good job to those hackers. They studied their opponents and went for the weakest link. Like when a tiger attacks the baby antelope in a herd grazing the fields of the African plains. Except in this scenario, Paris is still alive. God damnit Paris stop ruining Darwinism.

An Elephant Never... um... Forgets?

Well. They've done it. They've FINALLY gotten an elephant off of heroine. About time. I keep seeing those elephants on the street trying to offer me peanuts for blow. And this one Babar guy keeps trying to hang out with me, when we both know the last time he was around, he stole my watch to sell it for crack. Don't believe me? Read the story linked to the picture.

This one elephant's traders fed him heroine-laced bananas to keep him manageable. The Chinese government found out, and they put the goofy bastard on an island for rehab for 3 years, all the while shooting it with 5 times the human dose of methadone. Now he's clean and making all his amends from the 12-step program. I've heard he's accepted that there is a higher power, but I'm still waiting on my call.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. And no, I don't think we can trick Amy Winehouse into a vacation on a remote Chinese island, even if we DO tell her they'd shoot her up with 5 times the human dose of methadone. She needs at least 10. And she ain't goin' to rehab. No, no, no.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Fight Fire with Cry-er

Now, you're gonna think I'm crazy. And I am. Crazy like a FOX!!! But bear with me here.

The article above (linked to the picture) explains that children are up to 3 times as fire retardant as their mothers. When babies drool on the tv remote or lick the tv or do whatever they do while you're watching Tyra and basically ignoring them being a terrible mother, they imbibe fire retardant chemicals which pool in their blood.

After animal testing (I'm all for it, those little bastards should learn algebra like everyone else), it was determined that this could lead to reproductive problems down the road, or hyperactivity. But thus far, no problems have been found in humans.

So, I say we feed kids this stuff on their Cheerios. Then we dress them up all cute, and send them into burning buildings. Think about it.

1) Fiscal Responsibility. Why pay fire fighters and their families pensions? Babies don't have kids or husbands/wives. That's gross. Plus, if we're feeding them this stuff, odds are they won't be fertile anyways. We could probably get away with just giving them happy meals. Those things are like 3 bucks tops.

2) Babies are small. You ever see a movie where the firefighter gets stuck under something and ultimately dies sacrificing himself for a lost child? Babies wouldn't get stuck! They can crawl out of anything. They're the size of bowling balls, and there ain't much that can trap one of them.

3) THESE babies will be immune to fire. Fire retardant? Check! They'd be like tiny dragons.

4) Babies are lazy. What have babies done for us besides being extremely cute and crapping and crying? Get a job!

(Paid for by Mr. Book for President)

Tatum Bell-Boy

The above picture is of former Detroit Lions running back Tatum Bell. Now, good ole Tatum was picked up by Detroit last year from the Denver Broncos. He didn't play much all season and this year he was about to be overshadowed by rookie running back Kevan Smith.

The Cincinnati Bengals had freshly cut their old starting running back, Rudi Johnson, who had been in and out of the team doctor's office with injury after injury. When Rudi was healthy, he was a strong running back, and had even made the Pro-Bowl. So the Lions invited him up for a workout, and before you know it, they sign Johnson.

This of course did not please Tatum Bell. Within a few days, Rudi was on the team, and Detroit cut Bell. As a going away gift, Tatum went into the locker room and stole two Gucci bags that Johnson had been given as a present for going to the Pro-Bowl. The Lions had security footage showing Bell take the bags. Johnson was infuriated and apparently Bell told him that he mistook the bags for another player's and delivered the luggage to a female companion of said player.

A woman eventually appeared at team headquarters with the bags, but they were empty. Johnson stood to lose credit cards, his ID, underwear and gym socks. He cancelled his credit cards, but not the underwear...

Now, is anyone surprised a football player stole another football player's luggage? No. 3 players in the past 18 months have been shot, with 2 deaths and the current victim (Jacksonville Jaguar's Offensive Lineman Richard Collier) in critical condition. What I'm surprised with is that this man had Gucci bags. These guys are supposed to be all thug and tough, but they walk around with their Gucci bags and their Perrier, and their pinkies held up as they sip their Earl Grey.

Plus, I heard that the bags went MUCH better with what Bell was wearing that day, so all charges were dropped.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

In the Pipelines

Because celebrities have been boring lately, the fine fellas of PESUp have decided to make their own news. You see, while appearing to be lazy the past few weeks, we've actually been hard at work behind the scenes... filming a short film. McNugget, Murdoch, Loki, and myself have been producing, filming, directing, and starring in our first film *Not our REAL first, but the first one that has actual production value*. It's currently in the edit stage, and we have one more scene to film. We'll put it up on YouTube and link it directly once we're done. For a special few of you (maybe a contest winner or something???) we'll send out a DVD, complete with blooper-reel.

We've also made some bumperstickers that are basically our logo with a snazzy catch-phrase. I know we've arranged for Sara and Puck to have some. If you'd like one, just comment.

For better news...

The possible Vice-President's daughter is preggo. No, not the sauce. But she's 17, and it seems like she must lika the sauce...

Pro AND College Football are officially both back as of Thursday night. The defending Superbowl champions play the 'Skins, and the 18-1 wonders play the KC Chiefs.

This means that Fantasy football is back. And I love it. I hope Tom Brady has a disgusting 95 touchdowns this year, and that he doesn't choke until the playoffs again like last year.

TV fall line-ups will start in full swing. Some shows have even returned. Plus, it's always fun to see which crappy new shows will bomb while they replace old favorites that were cancelled way before their time.

Fall is in the air. Everything cools down a bit, reminds you of going to school or college, and you begin to have a unique blend of nostalgia/suicidal tendencies longing for before you had to work 8-12 hours a day doing boring stuff in front of a computer.

Take care for now!

Heidi Montag's New Single is a Hit

Heidi Montag's new single, Overdosin' is now available for your viewing pleasure:

Wait? No, not pleasure. What's the opposite of pleasure?

The new video is supposed to be a spoof (I think) on 80's workout videos a la Jane Fonda. However, a spoof is no excuse why her mouth cannot be synched up with the lyrics. She's truly taken campy to a whole new level. On the plus side, this song is slightly less bad than the rest of the crap she's put out thus far. And it's better than Scarlett Johannsen's song. But, in Scarlett's defense, she has MUCH bigger cans. And hers are real.

Although Heidi's music continues to be crap, I like the message. But instead of love, Heidi and Spencer should overdose on something a little stronger. Like bleach. Or oven cleaner.

Also, the Japanese, while smart and efficient, tend to mostly come in compact.