Friday, August 31, 2007


In a shocking turn of events, 10 WWE wrestlers have been suspended for steroid use… WHAT!?!?!? I know, I am just as shocked as you are. I can’t believe guys that look like that D-bag are on steroids. That looks all natural to me. I mean he kind of looks small compared to the guy in that mirror… oh yeah ladies…

What I don’t understand is, these guys aren’t really competing. *This just in: wrestling is fake* why are they getting kicked out for steroid use? There is no advantage when everything is scripted. If I take steroids can my job fire me? I mean they would probably have to fire me because all the women in my office would stop working and follow me around like lost puppies. But can they fire me just for using? Maybe they can, maybe they can’t, but all I know is I haven’t watched wrestling since I was 6 and even then I never thought it would be awesome to wear Speedo’s and rub on other men.

I can understand people wanting steroids out of real sports, a place where steroids can change things that actually matter to people. But taking steroids out of wrestling would be like taking Indian’s out of cab driving. It is a good idea, but then there will be only 6 cabs left.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Attention KMart Shoppers, please get naked...or die

Apparently, the new scam that has been pulled on 15 stores across 11 states over the last week is this: the scammer will call up a grocery store, Kmart, etc. and demand that all the customers in the store get naked...or he'll blow their shit up. Just a small aside, the scammer also asks that money be wired to his account. Most recently, this happened in Hutchinson, Kansas.
Why Kansas? I've been...there's fat people and, um, fat people in training. This is one of the dumbest scams I've ever heard of. I'm pretty sure a horny 13 year old whose computer has a site blocker and TV has a v-chip is the mastermind behind this. What the hell else can be the logic behind it?
The FBI released this warning "...the threat appears to be related to a plot in recent days focusing on banks and stores in places like Detroit, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia and Newport, R.I." Thank you, FBI. So we know we can't go into stores or banks in places like Salt Lake City and Newport. Has ANY PLACE been eliminated?
And this, my friends, is just piss in the ocean as to why I hate people.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A Bitch Named Trouble

Apparently Leona Helmsley, known as the "Queen of Mean" for her tax evasion and general evilness during the '80s has died recently. Her husband made a fortune on luxury hotels and real estate acquisitions to the point that their net worth exceeded a billion dollars. One of her more famous quotes was from a former employee stating "Only the little people pay taxes." Midgets everywhere were furious.

So she's dead. Ding-dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch. The little people will not have to suffer any longer. And neither will her dog. Her Maltese, Trouble, has a 12 million-dollar trust fund set up for her. 12 million. While 2 of her grandkids will get 5 million a piece based upon them having to visit their father's grave site once a year every year. And as for the other two grandkids? They were left nothing due to "reasons that are known to them." And she left millions to her brother as well.

Now, I know what you're saying... I wanna marry that dog. But that would be wrong. I don't know if the $12 million would be worth all the yipping when you don't take the garbage out and I'm sure all the cooking would taste like dog-food. Plus let's not even go into the amount of peanut butter you'd have to keep on hand. And Johnny McNugget is allergic to nuts.

But what is a dog to do with millions? Open a checking account? What does this old bat think that the dog (who will probably live 5-10 years tops) will need all this money for? 100k would be alot. 12 mil is re-god-damn-diculous. Does the dog eat caviar and drink nectar from the Elysian Fields? Just put the thing down. Or give it to Michael Vick to play with.

And the grandkids getting 10 million combined for 4 of them? Wow. Less than the dog. And the article further stipulates that she left behind 3 million for the upkeep of her mausoleum.
The mausoleum, she ordered, must be "washed or steam-cleaned at least once a year." She left behind $3 million for the upkeep of her final resting place in Westchester County, where she is buried with her husband, Harry Helmsley.
And the dog is going to be buried with her. I just wish upon wish that they pocket the 3 million (that's 60% for cleaning up a dead person's house of the inheritance left to her grandchildren) and they piss in that damn mausoleum. What a bitch.

Brokeback Penguins?

Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell’s new book “And Tango Makes Three” has come under fire recently. It is a children’s book, based on a true story about two male penguins that raise a baby penguin. There have been 546 complaints about this book calling for it to be removed from libraries due to its homosexual undertones. Now I haven’t read the book personally but unless there is some male on male penguin ass slamming I am really not worried about this “corrupting” our youth. If they want to cancel something with homosexual under tones they should have cancelled Heman the cartoon. There was more ass patting in that then anything I have ever seen.

Plus since when do we live in Nazi Germany? What are we going to have a giant book burning? Are we going to start hunting and killing all the penguins on the earth because two males raised a baby? They should kill Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer for that horrible show Two and a Half Men, same story except the penguins aren’t all coked out and scoring with hookers.

I am not homosexual myself, (if you don’t believe me just read any of my other posts) but I really think everyone has to chill out when it comes to persecuting anyone and removing books. People claim they are trying to help our youth. Does our youth create their own video games? Their own fatty foods? Their own drugs (huffing spray paint is soooo making a come back)? No the generation before them is what fucked them up. So rather then trying to protect your children from books how about you don’t buy them McDonald's everyday. Encourage them to read a books and news to help them expand their minds. Talk to them once in awhile.

And just for the record, a book can’t turn a child into a homosexual… only your shitty parenting can do that.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

"And I'm sitting here reading don't kill myself books."

It is tough in the streets, the streets around and inside of Owen Wilson’s gated mansion. Two nights ago Owens was hospitalized and rumers started to float around that he attempted to kill himself. Owen Wilson (the odd nosed brother) apparently over dosed on pain pills and slit his wrists. He is currently in stable condition and is getting treatment. He has not confirmed or denied the suicide roomer but he issued a statement:

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

Suicide is never a funny topic, but in this case it is really really close to being funny. You know what I would do if I was a millionaire, that was doing hot chicks, acting in movies, NOT working in an office everyday slowly getting cancer from florescent lighting. I would defiantly kill myself. I would be way to sweet for this world and I would need to move on… wait a minute, no I wouldn’t I would… live, spend money, do chicks, and eat pizza.

Maybe he was really depressed and that brought about this cry for help. Hasn’t he ever heard of buying happiness? What you do is place a 100 dollar bill out of your fly and wait. Bam happiness. You could fly to New Zealand and go surfing and spelunking and have fun but really learn a lot about yourself. Bam happiness. You can pay someone to pick out all the brown cereal in Lucky Charms so you are left with only marshmallows. Bam happiness.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Beauty Pageants or Stupid Pageants

Just another example why Beauty Pageants, and all those involved, should be sent to a remote deserted island and forced to battle the elements. For those of you who live in a box…or have a real life and don’t have time to search the web for pointless videos, there’s a brand new story unfolding. For the past few weeks the Miss Teen USA Beauty Pageant (you know, the ones that look like the really really hot girls at the movie theater that come up to you and ask you to buy them a ticket for a rated R movie) has been going on. Look I know what you thinking… “Jeez Johnny no one cares about the winner, but do you know if they are going to do Playboy in 5 years”? The answer to your question is, “I don’t know, but I sure hope so”. Anyways, I’m not here to talk about the winner, I’m here to talk about one of the losers….the beautiful, the extravagant, the uhhhh not so intelligent Ms. Teen South Carolina.
I’m sure most of you know how the final round of beauty pageants works in general. They line up all the babes and ask them the world’s dumbest questions and see what these soon to be Nobel Prize winners have to say. Sadly after hearing Mrs. South Carolina’s response….I don’t see a Nobel Prize anytime soon in her future. The question she gets asked is basically, “One fifth of Americans cannot find the USA on a map, why is that”? Look with all due respect she could have said anything like, “Well I think Americans are stupid” or “Americans don’t care about maps” or even “I cannot answer this question because it is culturally biased”. But no, what does she say, something along the lines of we need to educate the Americans in Iraq and South Africa so they will help the Americans in the US. I’ve watched this video about 50 times, each time losing more and more brain cells, still very confused on what this young lady is trying to say. Seriously, after watching this video I felt I had to go back and study my times tables. I mean didn’t she think it was weird that she was talking about how Iraq was part of the US but she never met Ms. Teen Iraq???
Although this video is hysterical and it really shows how stupid people can be, I kind of don’t feel that this girl should be ashamed by her answer. Look she tried her best and she fell short…really short, but that’s OK you can get up on that horse and give it another try. However, she should be ashamed at the fact that during her speech a washed up AC Slater laughed right in her face…and that ladies and gentlemen, is something really hard to bounce back from. That is why as of today I’m starting a movement calling for all Beauty Pageant contestants to take a simple entry exam before competing. The exam will consist of three questions:
What is your name?
What state are you from?
Is Iraq part of the United States?
No / Yes / Not sure *

*If the contestant answers anything else besides No for question 3, he/she will be subjected to being slapped across the face with a tire iron.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Beauty is only one deep cut away

We have come a long way as humans. We've invented the sowing machine, the steam engine, computers, and the internets. We've also invented a way to fight the aging process by butchering ourselves, slicing, dicing, nipping, and tucking. Of course, the above was all a painfully long set up for today's topic - plastic surgery.

Since when is it wrong to look your age? Take Katie Couric for example. She'd be a great looking forty-something year old. But now, her face has a perma-grin on it. When she looks at the camera, that evil grin tells me that she's planning on killing me. Or eating babies. Her mouth looks like Jack Nicholson's in Batman (the Michael Keaton/Tim Burton one).

Or Nicole Kidman. I've always had a thing for her, but recently she's started looking permanently scared and manequinn like. Don't get me wrong - 97% of all guys have looked at a manequinn and
been like "Man, I'd love to f*ck that." The other 3% of guys have actually tried and ended up disappointed, splintered, and at times, under arrest.

This is my appeal to women - please stop with the plastic surgery already. I don't mind small boobs. They're nice, cuddly, and portable. Your lips don't have to look like Whoopi Goldberg's. You can have wrinkles! It's ok...

If you want to look younger than you are, take care of yourself. Eat right, exercize, and take supplements. It's hard work to look younger than you are, but if vanity is that friggin' important - treat your body right. Don't rely on the knife to do it for vain f*ck.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Lure of the Mustache

Okay, what I'm about to tell you is a true story. Why is it true? Well, that I don't know.

Mustaches attract younger women.

There, I said it. That's right, read it again. Don't ask me why. They're like magnets. Loki and I were at the mall today trying to see what a Beryl looked like. We decided to be sneaky about it and therefore decided that fake mustaches would be the best course of action. Since there were no halloween stores open yet, we went to Spencers and bought one of those Groucho Marx big nose/glasses/mustache dealies.

We proceeded to rip off the mustache and eyebrows and taped them onto our faces. Within minutes, girls were coming up to us and asking us where we got them, and generally obeying our orders.

We here at Please Everyone Shutup are dedicated to the pursuit of science and will therefore conduct an experiment on the matter. If any of our readers have some experience with mustaches (mustache rides, mustache grooming, etc.) please let us know. Especially let us know if you're a lady-type and what a mustache does for you.

Who wants a mustache ride? I do, I do!

Friday, August 24, 2007

An Appeal to Our Readers

Hey Loyal (and not so loyal) readers,

We here at Please Everyone Shutup have a task for you (it's not homework, so don't moan). We'd just like to get an idea of our readership. If you guys could, please vote in a poll now and then (top right corner). Also, leave your feedback on articles beneath the "Comments" tab. Give yourself a handy nickname, and let us know how you liked the article or what you'd like to see us write about in the future. It really gives us a thrill (and an ego trip) to have our lines quoted back to us, because we're not sure anyone is actually reading this thing.

Lastly, tell a friend. The more people that read this, the more articles and time we'll put into this.

Thanks for your support,
Mr. Book, Mr. Murdoch, Johnny McNugget, & Loki

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Jesus Christ.

Jared Hutchins, 16, believes that the Beatles were a big problem in his life… Bro, you’re 16 you were born in 1991. John Lennon died in 1980… What’s the disconnect here? Unless Paul McCartney has been prank calling you I really don’t see how the Beatles could be a problem in your life.

Jared is a part of a Christian youth group and they attended an “Acquire the Fire” (great name, sounds like everyone is getting the clap) rally in Atlanta, Georgia. It is a music festival in which Christian “Rock” Bands play and talk (preach) about the negative sides of (being normal and having fun) pop culture. The rally seeks to “stage a reverse revolution” you know like the industrially revolution but they would rather take horses and buggies and shit in the woods. Socially speaking I guess no drugs, no sex, but only Christian rock and roll.

Ron Luce, 46 year old (ring leader) founder of the organization has “waged a modern-day crusade against "purveyors of popular culture," whom he has condemned as "the enemy."” Ok this sounds very normal. I understand what their attempt is here, but do they have to sound super militant and preachy? Why not just live the way they want to and let me drink and have sex with multiple partners without protection???? It gets stranger as our boy Ron continued:

"We're fighting for those who don't know they have a voice, that are being manipulated by our pop culture indulging in things that, really, they're not mature enough to be thinking about yet," Luce told CNN.
"Kids are hurting," he said. And of those who he feels inflict these moral wounds, Luce said, "We call them terrorists, virtue terrorists, that are destroying our kids."
"They're raping virgin teenage America on the sidewalk, and everybody's walking by and acting like everything's OK. And it's just not OK."

I just really don’t know where he is coming from. The Beatles are amazing and although I admit Britney Spears’s second album killed me inside a little bit when I heard it I wouldn’t consider her a terrorists. Although the head shaving thing was crazy. I think they should come up with a new name for their enemies. Pop Culture is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Pop Culture means what is in at the time, so if this “reverse revolution” happens then they will become Pop Culture and I am pretty sure that they will be forced to kill themselves. And then at the end there will be like two guys fighting on top of a pile of dead bodies. One will have a sword and the other one will have his knocked away. He will say “No, no, no don’t kill me.” And the other guy will be all like, “I have to, you are pop culture” Then the guy with no sword will go “but if you kill me then the only person left will be you and then you will be pop culture!!!” (Lightening strikes) then he looks up at the sky and screams “WHY GOD WHY!” then I come out all drunk and with hundreds of chicks and kill them both and repopulate the world.

What you think they would have gotten me? Maybe you, but me… NO WAY

Why Mr. Book hasn't posted in a while...

This is why.

The article points out the demise of the "lunch break" at work. Now, I have fallen victim to this for months at a time. It really hits home. During busy season when you're working 8:30-10, 11pm we always order out lunch, then eat it at our desks while working. Apparently, this is done in the name of productivity and efficiency. Well F that crap.
I've been saying for years, you sit and do work straight all day, you get tired and the words and numbers on your screen get jumbled. Sure, if you do something mindless, (i.e. receiving manager at a bedding, bathing, and beyonding store) you don't really need a mental break. But for those of us that make the world go 'round, you need some time to clear your head. And in the off-chance that you DO go out to lunch with co-workers, you always end up talking about work because they have so little else going on in their lives. That DOESN'T count.
And this wonderful little article reminds us of the old-Greek lunch (you can un-clench, it's not what it sounds like). They go home, eat huge meals, then NAP before they come back. You know how clear my mind would be? Much more than if I kept doing work the whole time. But companies such as Vendorseek have decided to skip lunch altogether.
“It is encouraged that we eat at our desks and use this ‘down time’ to address e-mails, inter-office meetings, and other tasks and necessities that would interrupt the flow of the normal course of the work day,” says Ken Wisnefski, president of the company that helps businesses find outsourcing services.
When the hell did meetings, emails, and other work-related tasks become interruptions? Last I checked, email and meetings were kinda essential to the whole process. It sounds like this guy is saying "oh, we'll let you eat while you're at work" when what he's really doing is making them work while they're at lunch.
Well, it turns out giving up your lunch break could actually diminish your productivity, causing you to end up putting in more hours in the long run, not to mention what it does for your health and well being. “I joke sometimes that smokers are the healthiest people in the work place these days because they get outside,” says Brown-Volkman.
Smokers. Smokers are healthier because they leave every 15 minutes to go outside and get their minds cleared. I've often joked that I was going to pick up smoking just so that I could leave every once and a while. Now it's not looking like such a bad idea. Sorry for the crappy post that is soooo-not funny. But I'm pissed. And I'm sure Johnny McNugget agrees.


Oh that is interesting, Wait a minute, no its not, VOMIT

In the news today there is an article stating “Study: Seniors having more sex then you think.” Weird, I don’t ever remember thinking about old people having sex. Actually I try very hard not to think about that. How is this news? Old people are doing it, great, so am I… yeah all the time… Non-stop… right now I am no lie… I’m so lonely…

Is this article to make the rest of us feel bad? So some 80 year old is throwing it to some 74 year old spring chicken and all of a sudden I realize that I am in my sexual prime striking out left and right. God I hate old people! Learn how to drive! A Car A Car, I meant a car!!!

This isn’t a very hard study to conduct. “More old people doing it then I thought” All you have to do is ask one old guy if he is getting in on the regular. If he says “yes” study over. More then I thought. You know what other studies would be stupid,

1. More kindergarten kids are having sex then you think.
2. More horses eat pineapple then you think.
3. More people download octopus porn then you think.
4. More people watch Mind of Mencia then you think. (sorry about using this joke twice but the show isn't funny.)

If any of those are more then 1 then it isn’t more then I thought, it is straight up shocking and appalling. I would like to end this with some witty joke about how gross old people doing it is, but my dry heaving has caused a blood vessel to pop in my eye and I am losing vision.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

2 People I hate (part 2)

I'm just gonna jump right into it. The 2nd person that pisses me the f*ck off is the human bobblehead better known as the verizon FIOS kid. It wasn't cute in the first commercial when the Verizon FIOS tech tried to explain what he does to a 5 year old without dumbing it down and the kid replied ''Nice Truck."

Then, what we didn't see between commercial 1 and commerical 2 is what transpired between the Tech and the kid. Kid goes ''Nice Truck" Tech goes "wanna see the inside," and the kid doesn't know better so he goes "Yeah!"

That escapade did not end well for the kid. Although I do not exactly know what transpired, "IT'S NOT TRUE QUAM" was heard being yelled out of the back of the truck (or so say my sources - thanks Book).

We moved on to commercial 2, where it's the same premise, but now the kid's dad is in place of the kid. And the commercial ends with the kid telling his father "You should see [the back of] his truck." Well, nice job Verizon. This kid is going to be the next poster child for NAMBLA AND every night he's going to be crying himself to sleep on his giant pillow.

Note to self: write letter to Verizon telling them they stink...something like:
Dear Verizon,
Get a better spokesperson and better writers. Your commercials stink and that kid annoys the piss outta me.

Another Page in the Book, Another Life Changed, Another Trip to My Psychiatrist

Yes, that’s correct, season 2 of America’s Got Talent, or as I like to call is “America’s Most Washed Up Celebrities and Random People Do Stuff”, has completed and we have a new winner crowned as “the most talented act in the United States”. I just have one question for you…does anyone know who was the 1st most talented act in the United States. Seriously, I watched this finale and I literally thought it was the first season; I was shocked I was wrong because as we all know, I have no life.

Anyways the show kicked off by letting the four finalists, a beat boxer, 2 singers, and a ventriloquist who sings; perform one last time for the audience. The fact that all four finalists were musical acts tells me one thing, these people must all be the rejects from American Idol.

Speaking of rejects, after the 4 finalists did their little thing on the stage, a group of fan favorite acts from the past combined efforts to cover Queen’s We Are the Champions. This performance consisted of, but was not limited to, multiple transvestites and a kid doing back flips on a flaming pogo stick. I felt like I was watching an episode of the Jerry Springer show, which is ironic because Jerry Springer’s job on the show was to interview all the acts, and he ever said that this compilation reminded him of his own show…funny, I think not! I feel like if I’m allowed to laugh at this performance I should be allowed to laugh at the competitors in the Special Olympics 100 meter Hurdles.

Next came the real performance of the night…I think. David Hasselhoff (the guy who thought people were watching Baywatch because of him and his great acting, whose only other famous role consisted of talking to a car, and let’s be honest the girls on Baywatch might as well have had the personalities of cars, so I guess it all worked out in the end) sang a song. The sad part was me and everyone in the audience would have much rather watched the 3 trannies and the funky bunch sing again than the Hoff. Look, I understand that he is a huge star in Germany, but here in America we have real musicians, like Kevin Federline and Ashlee Simpson.

The show concluded with the singing ventriloquist winning the grand prize of 1 million dollars, and a job working at a hotel in Las Vegas. Great, now we have America’s most talented person opening up for the people America forgot, Tom Jones and Wayne Newton. Is it just me, or is this the biggest slap in the face for the winner. At least the winners of American Idol get a record contract, what does this guy get, free trips to the buffet line? Sometimes I wonder if humans are meant to be the highest level of organisms in the universe, or are we just a bump in the road in the evolutionary chain to something greater.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


During the Edinburgh fringe festival, Daniel Blackner stepped on stage to perform his, what some people would call off-beat act. Daniel, or as he is known by his stage name, Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, took the stage at the Circus of horrors, pants and knickers at ankles - and like Flea of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, he wore something around his member to cover it up. Unlike Flea, who wears a sock, Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf wore a vacuum cleaner, with a special attachment, atop his junk. Unfortunately, before he was due to perform, the special attachment broke and Captain Dan superglued it back together. The dry time of the glue is 20 minute - it was given 20 seconds to perform its duties; the same time squeeze as a child at the Mattel factory in China.

Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf takes the stage with the hose directly attached to his junk...and ended up in the hospital. And the crowd LOVED IT! And who wouldn't?

Said Captain Dan of the incident: "It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed [emergency room] with a vacuum attached to me." Personally, I'd think attaching a vacuum to your junk in front of a large crowd would be more humiliating, but I guess I'm a mortification by numbers guy...

Captain Dan continued "I just wished the ground could swallow me up..." No such luck, Dan. The vacuum cleaner already assumed that responsibility.

Here's the article (to prove I didn't make this up...shit, I barely believe I didn't make it up):;_ylt=AmTEbEsbmc.w_dv0Gdh7hCoZ.3QA

Monday, August 20, 2007

Oh My God, I am sooo drunk right now, I need a cigarette.

This one goes out to all the “non-smokers” who… well… smoke. I know I am not the only one confused with the girl who sucks down a pack a week but when you ask her if she smokes she says, “No I don’t smoke, only when I am at a bar and I am drunk.” Really? because if you smoke in outer space, I am pretty sure you are a smoker. Where why or how you do it, you are still doing it. That is like me saying "I don’t eat fast food, only when I am drunk." I am still taking in those Cals. Or "I don’t kill orphan, only when I wear my Batman Halloween costume from when I was 7 and paint my nails neon green." It doesn’t matter how awesome I look in my Batman costume I am still killing orphans right?

The next morning you wake up and you smell like smoke, not because you were drinking, because you were smoking. Your esophagus isn’t going to say, “Yo lungs, liver says she is drinking so it is cool, don’t count this smoke.”

I am not against smoking, shit I think it makes cowboys look bad ass in movies (cool cowboys, not broke back ones) killing Indians and what not. Manifest Destiny!!! OHHH, where is the buffalo now Crying Man???? Mmmm, hot wings.

Listen lets not lie any more, if you like to smoke, cool. It’s not the worst thing in the world. We all know mayo is. What? Mayo’s gross.

2 People I Hate

I have a severe problem with two people in society these days. Actually, I have a problem with a hell of a lot more than 2 people, but I want to take this time out to single these two out, because they bug the living f*ck outta me. And sadly, they’re both way under half my age.

Offender 1: The Texas Instruments DLP TV spokesgirl.

You may better know her as the little girl with the elephant and a box of mirrors where her punch line is “It’s amazing! It’s the mirrors.” If your dumbass doesn’t recall who I’m talking about, here’s the link:

No. What’s amazing is you have a pet F*CKING elephant! If I brought a pet f*cking elephant home, my ass would’ve been kicked through my stomach and esophagus before making its way out my mouth. On top of that, your parents let you wade in the middle of a body of water in the middle of f*cking nowhere with your stupid pet f*cking elephant. But no. You’re amazed by a stupid box that emits a ray of light (not unlike Madonna).

I’ve seen boxes that emit light that are way better than your stupid box. How bout Lite Brite! You could stick pegs in a board in the shape of a clown, flip a switch and BAM! You have a light up f*cking clown! Or EZ Bake Oven. With EZ Bake, at least the end result is a batch of awful muffins…or your house burning down. Now THAT is a box of light to be impressed with.

Until you learn to love Stampey, and throw that f*cking box in the water, I hate you TI DLP girl. If anyone is left reading, I’ll throw up a 2nd post later to rant about the other idiot I can’t stand. Until then, feel free to speculate on who it is (unless you clowns already have the inside scoop – you keep your holes shut).

Friday, August 17, 2007

Why would you do that to yourself???

What the hell are these? I walk around and see people wearing them and it just makes me scratch my head. Why are people wearing extremely bright colored rubber slippers? And then it hit me… “OHHHHHH, they want to look like complete assholes!”

I don’t claim to be a fashion aficionado but I honestly can’t see these things matching anything ever owned by anyone. Every time I see someone wearing these I want to punch them in the face then take two nails and shove them in my eyes. They are so ridiculous looking; they look like something that should be worn in a mental institution so the patients can’t hurt themselves with regular shoes.

“But they are sooooooo comfortable.” How about this, you can wear those things but I get to kick you in the liver every time you wear them. This way you can become a man and wear some real shoes and not bitch like a little whinny baby. I don’t care if it feels like you are walking on clouds, because it makes you look like you can fly up and touch them you fairy. Ok all homosexual jokes aside. If you wear these things you love:
1.Prince and his music.
2.The movie The Breakfast Club.
3.Rainbow flags, stickers and Speedos.
4.Killing fat women and making a suit out of their skin tucking your junk between your legs and dancing with your poodle.

Another Reasony Why I'd Rather Eat Dog Crap Than Buy An iPhone

So here’s the story. A Pittsburgh blogger, by the name of Justine Ezarik recently purchased a brand new $600 dollar iPhone, because she needed it. Apparently, after receiving her first bill she was outraged. No not by the fact that is was $274, but by the fact that AT&T had the nerve to send her a detailed bill regarding her cell phone use. AT&T decided they will be nice to their customers and send them a detailed bill so if there are any disputes regarding the price of the bill it would be an easy fix. Boy were they wrong. Her bill was turned out to be 300 pages long. Why you ask, why…because on the bill they reproduced every single text message she sent for the last month. On average Justine said she sends 30,000 – 35,000 text messages a month….yeah that’s a lot. In case your wondering how much time she spends texting her important clients, I did the math for you.
Avg text= 20 sec
At least 60,000 sec texting a month
Adds up to 16.6 repeating hours of texting a month.
200 hours a year
8.3 repeating days a year spent texting!
Her biggest beef with the bill…“It’s a lot of waste”. I agree it is a lot of waste, but so is spending over 8 days a year texting your friends. Look Missy, your not the president, so stop trying to act like you're important. What's your job title that requires you to send that many text messages a month, let me guess, Most Annoying Girl On The Face Of The Earth, or Girl Who Thinks She’s More Important Than She Really Is? After seeing this video I realized why she sends so many texts rather than calling people, she’s a fucking retard. She tries to sound smart, which unfortunately she is not, and all she ends up doing is repeating herself over and over again about God knows what. Too bad she’s so hot, otherwise I could make this segment a lot more funny.
After bribing….I mean talking, some of the people at AT&T I managed to obtain a few sheets from her iPhone bill. Here are some of her “very important” and “very necessary” text messages.
1. This new iPhone is great, I can look at my gorgeous self in the mirror.
2. OMG I bought a new Louie Vaton purse and it’s nicer than yours.
3. People wish they were me.
4. LoLz like OMG ttyl!!!
5. My dog deserves Pellegrino.
6. If 1 + 1 = 2, then how come penguins can’t fly?
7. They need to make parking spaces bigger, I just dented my second brand new Lexus LS Hybrid, I have to save the environment.
8. Hey did you catch Newport Harbor last night, I can’t believe Clay did that.
9. Clay’s hot.
10. I wonder what Clay’s number is so I can text him.

Here’s the vid -

It's over for Vick

Being a huge sports fan I struggled deciding what would be the content of this blog. I decided to go with the whole making fun of the news thing and really tried to stay away from sports. Well sometimes you can’t stick to your guns and you have to go back to your roots. Finally Please Everyone Shut Up is going to tell their view on these Michael Vick allegations.

I think they are absolutely despicable and he should be put in a federal “raw dog butt bump” prison. The crimes he has committed are so heinous that anything less than life in prison or the death penalty would make the legal system look weaker than Mind of Mencia's ratings.

Some might say “Jesus Murdoch, life in prison for Dog Fighting?” And I would reply, “My name is Mr. Murdoch!” Then he would say, “Oh sorry Mr. Murdoch.” Then I would say, “It’s OK, just don’t do it again. To answer your question, No, I am not talking about the just the dog fighting. I am talking about all the crimes Jonathan Lee Riches, is accusing him of from his jail cell in South Carolina." Riches, is suing Vick for $63,000,000,000 (yes, that is billion) backed by gold and silver to be delivered to the front of the jail in UPS boxes.

He accuses Vick with a number of allegations including but not limited too: Stealing his dogs and selling them on eBay, copyright infringement, Identity theft, subjecting Riches to microwave testing (does this mean offering him a hot pocket?), swearing Allegiance to Al-Qaeda and (my personal favorite) using drugs in School Zones.

So inmate Riches, obviously a very trustworthy guy, is accusing Vick of all this and we are letting him walk the streets? No, not in my country! There should be no trial, no jury, straight to execution… Who is with me?

Rufio, Rufio, Rufio!!!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Having Kids Should NOT be a Right it Should Be a Privilege.

All over the world thousands of children die everyday. Whether from hunger, sickness, or war the fact of the matter is children are the most important thing in the world and without them there is nothing. As the Italians say "as long as there is life, there is hope".

Unfortunately some people who really shouldn't be having kids have them, causing the child to have a horrible life. For instance in China there is a couple attempting to name their baby "@". That's right, no typo there... They want to name their kid "@"...

What the hell is that? Do you know what you are doing to this kid before he is even born? You are making him stand out to be ridiculed for his childhood, no more then that his life. He can't even fill out his name on a standardized test! I have a friend named BJ, (ha-ha blow job) but he is applying for jobs right now and telling them his name is Will. You honestly think a company is going to hire a person named @. What about he work email address? TERRIBLE JOB CHINA!!!! do not let this happen.

Think of the Children... Think of the Children!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Scott Baio is 45…and single…and still acts like a little bitch!

Can someone please explain to me when “celebreality” became cool to watch? First of all, the word…"celebreality" makes as much sense as betting on a deaf kid in a musical chair contest. We all know that the realities of celebrities are nothing like a regular person’s. The people who invented this word watch MTV Cribs like it’s a documentary about the new age nuclear family. They crate these shows so you the viewer can basically stalk your favorite celebrities. Look its bad enough that we have to put with reality stars who think they are real actors (Teck, and Trishelle) but do we really have to put up with people trying to do it in reverse (Scott Baio, and any person on the Surreal Life). Look I mean the whole idea of watching my favorite celebs doing “normal” people things was cute…for about 15 minutes, but now I am just really tired of it, and this new show about Scott Baio didn’t just put me over the edge, it put me 150 ft below the edge, impaled on a spike.
First of all if you haven’t seen this show your one of the lucky ones. This show can be compared to only one thing, going to the dentist. You start out sitting down and thinking what’s going to happen to me in the next five minutes, and then before you know it, you’re on your back screaming for your mother to come and save you. The show’s premise is very simple; Chachi must find out, with the help of a life coach, why he has been unable to have a meaningful long term relationship. All this show really is is and excuse for Scott Baio to show off to everyone all the hot girls he banged in his life and now how we should feel sorry for him because he’s not married at 45. With all due respect Charles, I’m not going to feel sorry for anyone who has banged almost as many Playboy Playmates as Hugh Hefner.
Now, if I may, here’s my answer to why Scott is 45 and single. First of all, I don’t think any woman in this day and age wants to be married to a man who spends more time in the bathroom than her. Seriously, has anyone seen this guy lately, he always looks like he just came out of make-up, which shouldn’t be the case because it’s a REALITY show, and we all know that make-up people are not part of a regular person’s reality. Second, I think a girl would feel weird by the fact that she could easily beat the crap out of her boyfriend if he got out of line. I mean look at this guy, he looks like if the wind was moving faster than 10 mph he would have to stay indoors that day, praying to God that he remembered to shut all the windows. Lastly, and this may be the hardest one for him to understand, is that……………….your Scott Baio and you’re a loser. Thank you and have a good night.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The worlds oldest person... well isn't anymore.

The world’s oldest person 114 year old, Yone Minagawa passed away yesterday. She was from Tokyo Japan. Think of all things she has seen in her life… well the entire 20th century kind of sums it up. My favorite part about the CNN article written about her death is the part when an official from the nursing home talks about her last few days before death. Toshiro Tachibana states:

"Her appetite had been declining recently and her energy fading," Tachibana said. "The death was not sudden."
Really Toshiro Tachibana? Her death wasn’t sudden? It took her 114 years to die. She was old, really really old and nothing that happens to a 114 year old could be sudden. I would be more shocked walking in her room everyday and she was alive. “AHHH it is the crypt keeper coming to bore me with his lame puns, nope just and old japanese woman I can't understand.”

I know I am not making it to 114, if I make it to 30 I will be happy. I drink way too much to keep my body around for that long. If I make it to 70 I am going to go out like the Native Americans. I am going to walk into the wilderness and live on my own for the 3 hours I'd make it. Or I can become a crazy recluse and not cut my front lawn. Make kids afraid to come to my house on Halloween and have their parents tell them to never enter my yard. The only problem with that is I hate cats. So I would have to buy monkeys or penguins. They are more my style.

*interesting true fact: In the Old Testament it says that when God realized that people were living to long he made it so that no human can live to be over 120 years old.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Pacman Jones Wrestling?

No I am not talking about wrestling with his inner demons or wrestling with his legal problems I am talking about actually wrestling. He has been hired by second rate wrestling Federation TNA. I guess Pacman views this as a way to make some money as he sits out for the NFL season because of his multiple legal problems. Of course the Tennessee Titans have ban him from doing any physical activity for TNA but just the fact that he wants to participate in this is what gets me.

Will wrestling help Pacman Jones? Yes it will, it will help him like Ryder helped the Timothy McVeigh (to much?). Letting a guy with a laundry list of legal problems go into an event in which people are hitting, throwing and dressing (spandex, no lie) like they do is not going to help anything.

Pacman you want something to help you? How about staying out of trouble, keeping a low profile, volunteering at a hospital, and oh yeah, and not shooting people? That one is a big one.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Second Life...More Like NO LIFE!

In an age where computers control most of the aspects of our lives, a new age cult of gamers have stumbled upon something new, a game in which the computer controls your entire life. Yes that's right ladies and gentleman, your ENTIRE life. The game is called "Second Life" and its gripping the world by storm.
The game is one of many new games that revolves around the idea of a virtual world, kind of like "World of Warcraft", except without anything to kill or even do for that matter. Yes, in "Second Life" you basically just live your life in a virtual world and hang out all day. Almost like a virtual reality simulation of college life right....WRONG! This game requires you to use real money and exchange it for fake money inside the game so you can make your character look cool and have nice a cool shirt or a pimp ass ride yo! I know what your much could something really cost in a virtual world, I mean come on in the real world I can get 5 nugs at Wendys for 99 cents. Well think again, the luxury of our own private island in the game will run you a little over $1,600....not including utilities.
Ok is it just me or does this game seem as stupid as the idea of clear coca-cola!? Seriously, I mean who in their right would play a game like this. Look you wanna play a game that's cutting edge and keeps you on your toes...uhhhh how about you play the new Madden that's coming out? I mean its basically the same thing, you can create yourself, give yourself cool clothes, and live your life in a virtual reality world...oh and did I mention, its all FREE. The game I'm assuming will cost around $50, but after that first payment anything else you do in the game is FREE!
The reason why I decided to do a post about a game that's been out since 2003 is because of its recent lawsuit. Ok listen to this, apparently some high tech laboratory invented software for the game to make your characters have sex. Also, the software has been coded for specific furniture and objects (sex objects) so your character...not you, but YOUR CHARACTER can have the night of their lives. Did I mention that this software costs only a measly $45. Ok so here's the story, apparently come person out there got the software and made illegal copies of it and sold it to the virtual world. What bothers me here is not the idea that some person made a sex code, but rather that people out there are actually buying it!!! What this means is that Joe Schmoe is sitting at his computer desk somewhere getting off to his virtual self ravage and seduce a virtual female...hopefully. Hey asshole here's an idea for you. Instead of spending all this time and money trying to score virtual pussy, why don't you take your money, get a gym membership and some nice clothes and try to close a girl in real life!!!

Thursday, August 9, 2007

F-You Brett Ratner

From the man that f'ed up the final installment of the X-Men trilogy comes Rush Hour 3 (he did the rest of the Rush Hours as well, but only 1 was really good). Now when I saw X-Men: Last Stand, I almost shit myself. They took out my favorite character (Cyclops), thus losing the dynamic between him, Wolverine, and Jean Grey. They had a crappy Storm (Halle Berry) take over as a leader, which I wasn't such a fan of in the comics when Storm was actually cool. And they changed the Juggernaut, Cain Marko, the man that HATED mutants due to his parents' favoring of step-brother Charles Xaiver so much that he found the Ruby of Cyttorak that made him unstoppable. But the Juggernaut in the movie was a mutant and did not wear his helmet containing the jewel, thereby being completely different. Also, the REAL Juggernaut was bigger. Psht.

Well anyways. Watching that movie, one thinks, man, who is the fag that ruined this movie. Then I read an article on Brett Ratner (click on the picture). Apparently there is a scene in the new Rush Hour movie that recounts Ratner's first bj... from a man. But he didn't know she/he/it was a man, so that's ok.

"My first blow job was from a man, but I didn’t know it was a man... It happens to a lot of people."

Ok, hands up, who got their first mouth massage from a dude that was pretending to be a chick? Oh, no one?

"That happens to a lot of heterosexuals. You meet a girl in a bar, and it turns out she’s not a girl."
"That specific idea was because it’s happened to me. It’s happened to my friends. We’ll get together with a girl, and it’ll turn out to be a guy. The reaction is 'Oh, shit!' if you’re not gay, which is funny, I think."


This guy is so out of touch. I mean, c'mon, killing Cyclops? Nuff said.

Awesome Day for News

Well, it's an amazing day for news. Here's the summary:

Rape Victim or Toilet-Clogging Fudge Thief

Apparently a woman broke into a fudge shop, stole hundreds of dollars worth of fudge, packed them in her purse and pockets, and then went to a hotel where she told them she needed a place to stay for the night because she had just been raped. They called the cops for her, and the police found her trying to flush the fudge down the toilet.

What is she the Robin Hood of fudge? Steal from the rich, give to the... toilet? I think she has the wrong impression about "fudge-packing". The best part about this though, is the video when the cops are commenting. "The officers just happened to notice that she had large pieces of chocolate fudge in her pockets... her shirt was all stained with fresh fudge." "The toilet was overflowing, there was fudge on the floor and in the toilet, it was pretty much a mess." Awesome.

That's no cookie jar, it's a cremation urn

A woman sold a ceramic turtle to someone that wanted to use it as a cookie jar. It turns out, this turtle held the ashes of her husband's previous wife. Whoops. Why do women feel they always hafta take your stuff and clean it up or throw it away? Sometimes the stupidest things hold sentimental value to you... Like your dead wife's ashes. Amazingly enough, they got the jar back with the ashes from a thrift shop. This begs the question, how dirty are these people? If I bought something I wanted to use as a cookie jar from someone, I'd CHECK for dirt/ashes. Also, if I sold something, I'd clean it out first. And the fact that it was at a thrift shop? It was bought and sold a second time! And nobody thought to open it up and clean it out? Remind me not to buy anything from THAT thrift shop...

Man sneaks monkey into country - under hat

A man flew from Peru to Ft. Lauderdale to NYC. With a monkey under his hat. How the hell you gonna tell me we can find terrorists if we can't notice a guy with a hat that throws crap at you and makes noises? And he had a layover too! But in further news, I'm hearing he had less than 3 oz. of clear liquid, so he was ok.

Clerk grabs gun, turns tables on clumsy robber

Remember when bad guys used to be scary? Now they're just dumb. I blame it on the decline of super-villainy schools that has plagued this nation since the late 80's (friggin Robocop).

A robber came into a convenience store, and poor Hafiz Alam was staring down the barrel of a shot gun. As soon as he goes to give the guy the money, the stupid robber puts down his shot gun to grab it. This teaches you, sometimes smaller handguns are better for the job (less bulky). Had he gone to school in Detroit, he would know this. Long story short, Hafiz grabs the gun, points it at the robber. The robber runs away, dropping the cash. The robber, realizing HE'S been robbed says "hellz no" and goes back for his gun. The two men struggle, gun goes off, but nobody gets hurt, and the robber runs away again. A guy sees the license plate on the getaway car (it's called mud man, put MUD on the plates). They track him down and tear-gas his apartment. Idiot.

God bless America.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Matt Murphy's Bullshit Souvenier

Congratulations, Matt Murphy. This is the tool that caught Bonds' 756th homer. Way to break that record Barry; we're real proud of you. Hank Aaron did it in the days of larger parks, less health and fitness knowledge, oh and lest we forget - NO F*CKING STEROIDS. This record is a sham and that ball is garbage. I'm sure you'll get a lot of money for it, Murphy, but it's like getting the 1919 Blacksox series winning ball or a tip from Pete Rose (attained through ill-begotten betting money). Personally, I'd rather have Hollyfield's ear or Barbaro's leg (RIP). At least those gems would've come from real winners.

I am Anna Nicole Smith-ed out... How about you?

This has gotten ridiculous, the woman died like 6 months ago and she is still being brought up in the news? First of all her death wasn't that shocking, did you ever watch her show (neither did I) the woman was a mess. She was obviously drugged out of her mind. Then the whole media circus about who is the father of her baby, I mean that was a complete mockery of a child's life. That poor kid is going to grow up with stupid shit going on all around her because the media will not shut up about this. So I will skip my real feelings about this situation and get to the new crap...

Apparently there is a video of her breast implant surgery recorded by the doctor that performed it. OK great what the hell does that mean. Well I guess he is trying to sell it and that homosexual lawyer Anna hung around with is trying to stop the sale of the tape (stop me when you start caring about this). This is makes me angry and disgusted for 2 reasons.

1. There are people out there that actually want to see someone perform breast implant surgery and not for educational purposes? Don't get me wrong, boobs are awesome, AWESOME and if someone needs some help and they get implants, hey more power too them. A matter of fact, I see (download) them everyday. But are there really people out there that want to see them being sliced and slid in? Are they sitting there going, "Hey you get to see boobs." yeah you know what else you see blood, cutting, sawing, fat and (I tried to come up with more and vomited in my mouth). What kind of pervert would buy that tape? It is so disturbing it is going to be in my dreams tonight. Seriously, I can understand fetishes, ask me if I like feet... "Yeah, I am down with feet." But this is absurd.
2. There are judges, court times, and tax dollars being spent because some loser wants to buy a tape of a woman that died 6 months ago breast surgery. I guess it is so important that we have to stop that some how??? NO it isn't. I would rather it be sold and me never knowing about it then have to deal with reports about what is going to happen with the tape.
Please Everyone, SHUT UP about Anna Nicole Smith. It's over man, game over.

Emo isn’t cool…and your not suicidal

Ok, is it just me or has this whole “emo” thing gone on way too long. So yesterday I was sitting in my house minding my own business aka napping when the mail so came. So I figured hey there might be some cool free stuff today so let me check it out…boy was I wrong. The only free thing I got in the mail that day was a headache and a feeling of disgust. I had received a free magazine which consisted of emo clothing lines. I swear man no line, every single kid in the magazine looked exactly the same, long hair, tight clothes, and the look as if they were about to cry. I’m pretty sure in one picture I saw two guys tongue kissing with another guy standing in the background crying.
I understand that music brings about a lot of cool fashion trends…like the hippies and the punks….but this is seriously really really gay. At least those two movements stood for something…free love and then the flip side anarchy, but they at least stood for something! What does this emo trend stand for…men wearing women’s jeans, going to the salon to get their hair done just right, and kissing guys? Oh my god…I’m getting another headache…Ok ok must calm down. Like seriously, when I used to ask my parents about the days of the “hippy” it always seemed so exciting to live in a time like that. Free love, lots of drugs, rock and roll…I mean what more could a person want. I feel like when I grow up and my kids ask me about the days of the “emo” I will tell them all about it, then they will look at me, most definitely laugh in my face, and then kick me in the balls.
Lastly, I have to talk about this whole suicide thing that goes along with being emo. In this day and age what is the biggest problem a kid faces in the United States…that their parents bought them the 30gig iPod instead of the 80gig? Wow, kids today have it tough, I don’t know how they can survive in a world with only 30gigs of music in their pocket. Does anyone remember cassettes… because I do and they only held 2 songs….and that was the good cassette! I also don’t remember any kids pretending to be suicidal when cassette players were around. Kids in the United States aren’t starving (although I am which is kind of ironic), they aren’t living in a world with no running water, and they aren’t living in a world with no medical supplies…but guess what, a lot of people are, and I don’t se them pretending to be suicidal….or even being suicidal for real. So in conclusion, I think it’s time we American’s take a stand against this emo wave, and always remember… United We Stand, Divided We Fall… and emo sucks.

Greatest Trilogy of All Time?

Rush Hour 3 is coming out and I could not be more excited.

OH MY GOD ARE YOU EATING M&M's? CAN I HAVE ONE? YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MMMM it's sooooo good and I got a blue one which is my favorite color. AWESOME.

Ok ok ok, where was I. Oh yeah, Rush Hour 3 is going to be good. The first two came out in 1998 and 2001 respectively and they waited 6 years to come out with the final one. What took so long? Was the script really that important? I mean it obviously wasn't in the first two. You know what it must have been, scheduling conflicts. I mean having two huge movies stars like Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan must have made it hard to schedule because they had so much going on. I mean just think of all the movies they have done since Rush Hour 2. There was... umm... I think... No that was Jet Lee... and.. Oh oh oh... no that was Tracy Morgan... that M&M was awesome...

Well I don't know what the hold up was, maybe Hollywood didn't want to strike when the iron was hot? Maybe Chris Tucker was in jail... Who knows. All I know is I am very pumped for this movie.

"Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

In case you were unaware last year Kali Bowyer (whoever that is) accused the all mighty and powerful Chris Rock of being the father of her 13 year old son. Chris Rock has been married for 10 years now and has two children with is wife. So it isn't like he would be a cheat if it was his kid however paying child support is not cool. A DNA test was given and it was found that there is a 99.999% chance that Rock is not the father. Go Chris, Go Chris, Go Chris. We all know that I Think I Love My Wife was an absolute blockbuster (wink) but with that child support I was afraid that you weren't going to be able to wear metallic leather suits.

On the opposite side of the spectrum (not leather suit wise) is poor poor Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy just got a DNA test over Scary Spice's new baby, unfortunately he was found to have a 99.999% chance of being the father. You know what I say. "RUNNNNNNNNNNN, Eddie, RUNNNNNNNNN" and deny it until the day you die. Watch out for her left hook that thing is deadly. I heard she once knocked out a man in 8 seconds. I mean the don't call her Scary "Iron" Spice for no reason. Oh... wait... damn... I'm getting her confused with Mike Tyson again, aren't I.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

You have shamed your family, Kick/Punch

Now this is truly unbelievable. In Bangkok, Thailand (yes there is a place named Bangkok and no that isn't the only amazing thing about this story) there has been trouble with corrupt and bad cops. So rather then firing or arresting these shady or stupid men of the law they came up with something much more damaging. They are going to make them wear pink "Hello Kitty" armbands over their uniforms. Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division said:

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," and "(Hello) Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It's not something macho police officers want covering their biceps,"

That's right America (and other countries, I think of other ones names right now but) rather then firing these police officers they are making them wear pink. And I know what else your thinking, pink is sooooo last year. I KNOW!!!
I am attaching the rest of the article just in case you don't believe me.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Move aside, Jack Handey...some deep thoughts from your pal, Loki

Some people say "it's the best thing since sliced bread!" I say "it's the best thing since copy & paste" cause I'd rather cut my own bread than write my own paper.

Sheryl Crow and Yusuf Islam (aka Cat Steven) (aka Douchebag McF*ckstick) are full of shit. They'll tell you the first cut is the deepest, but they're wrong. What if the first cut only hurt emotionally and the second one lopped your f*cking hand off?

I have an original, million dollar idea for a strip club. I know what you're thinking..."an original idea for a strip club? bullshit." But hear me out...

...a JEWISH strip club. Yes, you read correctly. It's called the "Gaza Strip." Popular drinks include Manischevitz straight up and Manischevitz on the rocks. It's a place where girls named Hookah and Yaadjob (yaad = hand in hebrew for all the goy out there) take you into a VIP room called "Don't Tel Aviv" and make all your fantasies come true.

UPDATE: Chocolate Rain


After some investigative journalism, I've found the true identity of our Chocolate Rain (i'm guessing it's actually Chocolate Reign?) singer.

+ =

Chocolate Rain...The New Internet Craze

Well I must say after watching this video for the first time I finally understood why this video is so that's what Steve Urkel has been up to! This video is living proof that each and every person matures differently than others. Apparently, Steven Q. Urkel's body was waited for him to get off TV and out of the family rooms of American families before allowing him to go through puberty, clearly shown by his new deep voice. Only in America can a person become famous, then fall off the face of the Earth, and then become famous again (also shown by the case of the infamous Dustin Diamond aka Screech).

Also, I must add is it just me of does this kid seem to have the worst case of ticks you have ever seen. I mean come on, after every verse he needs to move his head, not his whole body, just his head away from the mic to take a breath.......please that's like me saying I eat a lot because I have a fast metabolism. I want to know who this man's publicist is because I'm sure they are either fired or in the process of being fired and as we all know, I'm still unemployed. Hey Urkel if your reading this here's what I would have said is the reason behind your nervous tick..."I just farted and it smells so bad I had to move away".

Well, in the end I have to say the best part about this video is the fact that it completes the trilogy of internet crazes by people with glasses. Of course I'm talking about "The Star Wars Kid" and "The Numa Numa Guy". And now for your viewing please some of my favorite screen caps from the video...

Rehab? Really? Again?

So Lindsay Lohan is going back to rehab? Why? Just because you get pulled over driving drunk, chasing people with cocaine in your pocket doesn’t mean you go to rehab. It usually means you go to jail. Saying anything about the situation of the young female “celebrities” being out of control would be worthless because that is obvious.

My question is what the hell do you do in rehab? I thought it was supposed to help you break your habit and get sober. Obviously that is not happening in these cases. So why keep going back to them? That would be like telling Bruce Banner he is a pussy everyday. You know he is just going to turn into the Hulk and kick your ass. Why bother doing it?

What I do want to bring up is the safety of our children. These “celebrities” are out there and young girls see them and no, I don’t think any of them look up to these “celebrities” I mean they are actually out there. In cars, I mean when I have kids I am not going to let them cross the street they might get killed by Hitlon or Lohan.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

17 kids??? Why??? I can't stand 1 of em.

Yeah - these are all her kids. 17 of em. She's spent over ten friggin years of her life bein pregnant! Where does one draw the line?

I mean, imagine her with her pants off. Imagine what effect a light breeze will have - it'd be like a superhero's cape fluttering in the wind.

And to add salt to the wound, all of their names begin with a "J". So after, like, 10 kids they ran outta J names and started makin crap up like Jedidiah and Jinger.

Talk about middle child syndrome. I bet they can't name of all their kids without having to sit down and make a list. Makes ya happy with the household you were born in, huh?

Friday, August 3, 2007

Beckham is to the US as ____ is to Bill Gates…..

A) His whole fortune
B) Half his fortune
C) $20
D) I still don't care about soccer

CORRESCT ANSWER: C (Although I'm sure most of you picked D, the correct answer is C and here's why.)

First off let us analyze the game of soccer....from an American point of view. I remeber being a young boy and counting down the minutes until recess so I could go outside and be with my best friends for a good ole game of soccer. Man those were the days, a nice lite lunch followed by 45 minutes of intense competition with the best kids in my school. I remeber pretending to be some of my favorite players from around the world, and imitating their every move. Sometimes I would pretend to switch players so I could have the amazing attributes of each player. My most fondest memory of soccer had to be when my team and I won the 4th grade soccer tournament. A tournament spanning 3 recesses my fellow teamates and I defeated 2 other teams to be crowned the 4th grade champions. I remeber it like it was yesterday. We were tied at 9-9 and recess was about to be over....the ball rolled to be ever so gently...skipping over all the rocks and braches so it wouldn't take a bad was like destiny....and then I kicked the ball with all my strength and...BAM! INSIDE THE PARK HOME RUN!!!! We had won 10-9 and everyone in the grade wanted to be my friend....ah those were the days. I still don't understand why we Americans refer to kickball as soccer in this country, I always found that a little wierd. Oh wait a is called soccer in other countries??? Thats weird....what the hell is soccer?!

So you see my friends, the reason why C is the correct answer is because although Beckham is a tremendous athlete (at soccer) it really doesn't change how anyone feels about life. If Bill Gates came across a twenty dollar bill he would simply smile for a second or two, and then put the money in his back pocket, probabbly forgetting about it, and finding it in the exact same pocket a week later after his maid had washed his clothes...

Daddy Day Camp, coming to a thearter near you!

Seriously? Don't get me wrong, I loved the First Daddy Day Care starring Eddie Murphy and that poor mans John Goodman. I loved it like my morning "sit down" after drinking nothing but Jack Daniels and eating whole jalapeno peppers all night (talk about lip biting and tears).

What won't Hollywood buy off on now a days. I wrote a script, maybe I should send it into some studios... Maybe the world is ready for my genius.

*Spoiler: It is about a Cantaloupe that falls in love with a Wolverine but then the Wolverine moves to Brooklyn to become a cement layer. And the Cantaloupe is left all alone and gets eaten by a Eagle. Then the Eagle flies over Brooklyn and takes a dump on cement.

It really makes you think. Doesn't it

Thursday, August 2, 2007

the 40 hour work week - a dangling carrot or a myth to keep us going?

what the f**k biscuits ever happened to the 40 hour work week? i don't think it ever existed, like the fountain of youth or the hot girl's hot friend (which ALWAYS ends up bein a fatty). let me break this down to the world. the day is 24 hours: 8 at work, 8 in bed, 8 personal hours - that's the CONCEPT behind the 40 hour work week - because, let's face it...even the Big Guy Upstairs rested. If He's restin one day - you better believe my ass needs at least two. sh*t, i can use three. i have yet to work a 40 hour week. granted during a typical week, i lose my patience for staring at a computer screen and wind up in a toys r us or checking all 10 floors of the building looking for the optimal place to pinch a loaf. i say we the people rise up against the over 40 hour work week, place our collective foot down and be like peace y'all...i've put in my time.

Spice Girls are back... Kinda

So it seems the Spice Girls are coming back and going on tour. However, I remember the Spice Girls being young, good looking and slutty. This group looks more old, rundown and desperate. I don't know you figure it out.

I also heard they're changing their super fantastic Spice names (from left to right). Anorexic Spice, Tranny Spice, Hippy Spice, I actually still look OK Spice and... wait a minute... I don't remember Mike Tyson being in the Spice girls? Odd.

After the interview announcing their return they yelled their ancient catch phrase "GIRL POWER" followed by "I'm gonna eat your children."

R-Kelly Finally in Court

I was reading the news this morning and I saw that R Kelly is finally going to trial for having sexual relations with (peed on) a minor, five years ago. Is it just me or does this seem kind of ridiculous? By now that girl is like 30 and R Kelly has come out with like 4 new albums and made millions of dollars. If he just went to jail 6 months after he was caught he would be out by now.

Where is the outrage? Where is the anti-peeing on people group?

Oh wait, I just heard from the Monopoly man. It seems that R Kelly had a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. Then he landed on free parking! Life isn't fair.