Ricky Martin

So, Ricky Martin is gay... yawn... so like, what else is new?

I Don't Remember Setting My Alarm

This story is 100% true. It is an old story but I figured, what the hell.

Fuckkkkkkkk. Fuckkkkkk. Blame it on the al al alcohol, blasted as I awoke from a deep slumber. I noticed my figures were separated slightly which made me nervous. I opened my eyes and realized... I had no fucking clue where I was. The music was coming from an alarm clock way across the room. The tv was on playing the news. My fingers felt something alien to them. There was another hand in my hand! I felt the springs of the bed move on their own, magic bed?(that's what I thought too) but no! There was another person in the bed! A girl person!

She got up and walked over to the alarm clock and changed the dial, finally finding a top 40's channel that was playing a shitty song she liked. The night rushed back to me... Leaving tobers... Going to the Shannon... Cutting a long line of d-bags... Shots...shots... Dancing... Shots... Then, a girl. The dame currently changing radio stations. Why would a girl want to listen to Chris Brown at 8:50 am and why would she set her alarm on a Sunday? Fuck! Mothers day!

I decide I should get up and leave. I am quite discouraged when I see my clothes neatly placed in the corner of the room... My nuts also had a head ache... I looked across the room at the woman I had hibernated with the prior night, shit... I don't remember her name! Cup of noodles flashes into my mind. Then she says "I am still drunk" a sentiment I shared. I make a move for the door, when I realize I don't have this girls number. Normally I wouldn't give a shit however I had just promised myself that I would start calling girls for "dates" and completely change my game. So I began the awkward number acquiring by saying "I didn't get your number, here is my phone... Put it in." She couldn't figure out my phone however I found out her name... Pam... But not the huge titted asian kind... The trashy, bring a guy home, not have sex with him, let him eat cup if noodles on her couch at 4am kind.

I opened her door to the sunny Hoboken street. I walked to the corner to find I am on Jefferson and Second. Panic sets in... I have to get home... Buy a card... Buy flowers... Be a good son. So I began my walk to the PATH. I reached into my pocket and felt a piece of paper. Right then I knew what this piece of paper was from, last night I broke out the credit card. I pulled it out 44 dollars... Not bad. a second time I went into my pocket for my phone and felt another piece of paper... 34 dollars. Ouch... I still did not get my phone. One more time my hand enter my pocket to find... Another fucking receipt. Unreal.

I stopped at CVS and purchased a Mothers Day card and a Gatorade. I ran home showered, hopped in a cab to Penn Station. Barely caught my train home, Happy Mothers day.

NOT a Note Worthly Conspiracy Thoery

9.11 brings out feelings in every American. Some are saddened by the people who were lost, some feel fearful of another attack, Texans feel they should buy a gun and fire wildly into the sky and some (loser assholes) feel 9.11 was a government conspiracy.

While walking past the World Trade Center this morning I saw many people morning and honoring the fallen men and women. Some in tears, some holding flags, but there was a collective sense of togetherness as we can all agree that what happened 7 years ago was a terrible act of cowardice.

When I finally got through the crowd (I was 25 minutes late for work) I saw another group of people wearing the shirt shown above. They stood completely by themselves armed with unkempt facial hair, glasses and guts. These Michael Moore want-to-bes leaned against a building breathing heavily as this has been the most physical thing they have done in the last 10 years.

They claim they are there to make people think, it sure made me think. “These guys are all Jerkoffs.”

They claim that they have proof, they sure proved a lot of things to me. 1) They proved that they don’t have jobs. Who can afford to sit out there all day and just hang out? It's a fucking Thursday. 2) They proved that without jobs they definitely live in their mother’s basement and play computer games all day.

Who needs girls when you have World of Warcraft and Hot Pockets?

What Do Tina Turner and Cuba Have in Common?

Ike smacked the crap outta them.

"This has been a curse on Cuba," said Vanessa Rincon, 46, as she waited in a long line at a Havana grocery store, holding a handcart full of candles, water, crackers, bread, soft drinks and chocolate. "We were spared for so long but now we're coming face to face with hell. Our luck has run out."

I agree. This is what Commies get. Plus, I bet one of the Castro's had her killed shortly after for defaming her country. My thought is that Kim Jong Il and a renegade Soviet have stumbled upon a weather-making machine from the days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. First Katrina, then Gustav, now Ike. Think. Katrina (Russian), Gustav (German/Russian), Ike (Tina Turner beater, therefore un-American). To cover their tracks of trying to blow up the Gulf-Coast oil reserves, they had to martyr Cuba. Will these Commies stop at nothing!!!???!!!

Celeb Round-Up

I know. We suck. Myself and the future Mrs. Book were on a romantic vacation after Loki and I attended a wedding (hint hint, let's just say the bride was very de-generous). Mr. Murdoch celebrated his birthday by being sick most of the week, and McNugget, well, is McNugget and never posts despite his lack of a job during the week.

But alot has happened in the celebrity world recently, and we'd like to keep you abreast of the situation.

Speaking of abreast...
Apparently Hollywood is under some sort of bra and panties shortage in the past few years. First there was Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan all flashing their coochies getting out of a car. Then there was Lily Allen falling out of a shirt like 30 times despite her A-cup warriors. And now it's remarkable if you see Katie Holmes or Lindsay Lohan out WEARING a bra. (When will they learn that sheer black fabric with photo flashes is like spraying a cold hose onto a white t-shirt?)

The Golden Boy
Question: How much does it take to get a meeting with Lindsay Lohan?
Answer: 8 Gold Medals
Michael "Breaststroker" Phelps (it's a little nickname we have, you'd understand it if you knew him as well as I do) said 4 years ago that he was really into Lindsay Lohan. Then he had only 6 gold medals and 2 bronze. Now that he has 8 from Beijing, Lindsay finally wants to meet with him. Also, she's been off the man-meat so long, she'd prolly hit anything.

Surprising News
Amy Winehouse was reportedly see doing coke in public. Katherine Heigl is still an uppity bitch that badmouths anyone working with her and has a skewed view of her place in the universe. Heidi Montag still can't sing, but that won't stop her from making records.

Wrap a pink ribbon 'round the old oak tree...
Kelly Bundy (Samantha Who? for you chicks) had her boobs scooped out. I really hate cancer. But I think breast cancer is the cruelest form. One day they're sitting there pretty, and the next, some doctor is trying to rip them off saying you'll die if you don't. If I could make a gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make one that kills Shia LaBeouf. If I could make a second gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make THAT one kill breast cancer. Yeah, that's just how much I hate it. It's SOOOO close to Shia. And everyone knows how much I hate him.

Ahhhhhhh! Moment
McCauley Culkin has been dating Mila Kunis for years and they're listed as "domestic partners" on wikipedia. What the hell. Things like this is why we have the site. Bleh.

The Plug-In Electric: The Apex of Societal Retardation

Struggling manufacturer, General Motors, is in process of developing the Chevy Volt, a plug in electric that gets 40 miles from a lithium-ion battery pack and can be recharged through being plugged into a standard outlet, by 2010. People, being sheep, are in a tizzy over this "gas-saving wonder". Sites like GM-Volt.com, have over 33,000 people signed up on unofficial waiting lists (although the average price people are willing to pay is $32,000; while Chevy has affixed a $40,000 sticker to this vehicle). Doesn't the Volt sound too good to be true?

Well, here's a shocker to the 33,000 idiots that are signed up on the fake Volt waiting lists - it is! The theory behind the gas saving plug-in electric car is a farce. Let's take a look at how the Volt draws energy: through being plugged into a wall outlet. Let's see...where does the energy in a wall outlet come from? Electricity, right? Right. Now let's extrapolate a step further. Where does electricity come from? It comes from a power plant. A power plant converts GASOLINE and NATURAL GAS from their current forms into electricity and distributes the charged electrons from the power plant to the wall outlet in your home. In other words, electricity is derived from gasoline. But here's the kicker: gasoline in your gas tank may be more efficient than gasoline that has to first be converted into electricity at a power plant and then distributed, losing a large amount of charged electrons along the way due to entropy and inertia. Not to mention, only being able to get 40 miles to a charged battery pack is nothing. You WILL get stuck. A lot.

The plug-in electric hybrid is a farce. It does not save on gas and may ultimately be more INefficient. If you want to save on gasoline or stop support the oil exporters, buy a car that can run on bio-diesel. Then you can take the discarded oil from McDonalds (or your personal fryer, fatty) and run a car on that. Or buy a compact and read a hyper-miler's handbook. PT Barnum said it best, "There's a sucker born every minute". Don't be that guy.

The Spanish Are Dicks, but Pretty Funny.

More Olympic goodies. Over reaction is quite common place in this PC, puckered assholed world. This is one of the reasons PESUP was created. Here is a perfect case. The Spanish Olympic basketball team posed for this picture a week before they left for the Olympics in Japan. They pulled back their eyelids to create the “slanty eyed” affect. Many Asian Countries took offense to the photo and are asking for a formal apology.

I can agree that this was in bad taste, but when was the last time you saw something funny that wasn’t. Asia, if your mad just make fun of the Spanish… Let’s see what we can say. Lazy, rude, oh and the fact that they couldn’t pick a government so rather then getting involved in real wars they just fought themselves for the last two hundred years.

Huh? The Olympics are in China… What’s the difference?

Alicia Sacramone, PESUP Still Loves You

The USA Olympic female gymnastics team took Silver in the competition losing to rival China. The contributors of PESUP are all huge fans of gymnastics, Johnny McNugget used to be world renown on the rings. Then his love of fast food took over and now he is world renown at onion rings.

US Team fought as hard as they could to take home the Gold however all hope was lost after Alicia Sacramone slipped while she was on the balance beam. She lost her footing and fell off the beam. The points that were deducted put the USA in a hole they would never recover from.

Normally this is something I would pounce on, blowing it in a big spot. In all reality I just really want to pounce on her. I don’t care if she cost us the gold or shot my dog, when you look that good it doesn’t matter what you do, you win.

So Alicia, if you are down because of the recent failure at the Olympics, don’t worry about it. Call me up, and we can go get some ice cream and mini-golf. Come on… how can you turn that down. Ladies love mini golf.

Morgan Freeman will be OK.

Morgan Freeman remains in serious condition after his car accident yesterday. He broke his arm and elbow. The car was destroyed and needed the Jaws of Life to free him from the vehicle.

Morgan Freeman is the opposite of Shai LaBeouf. When I heard Morgan Freeman was in a car accident I was so scared that I cried in the bathroom stall, like a teenager that just found out she got knocked up. I didn’t care about any one or anything except if Morgan Freeman was alright. Shit, I don’t care if he was drunk, high, and driving blindfolded I would still look up to Morgan Freeman. He could have killed 6 families then eaten the dead babies off the road and I still would be more worried about him then anyone else in the wreck.

Why do I refer to him only as Morgan Freeman? You don’t disrespect a legend or a god and if you're both then you're Morgan Freeman.

If you think I am wrong for saying that line, look at his filmography…
Se7en
Outbreak
The Shawshank Redemption
Unforgiven
The Dark Knight
The Bucket List
Gone Baby Gone
Lucky Number Slevin
Batman Begins
Million Dollar Baby
That is just a random list of 10 movies, do you know how many other awesome movies he has been in… Did anyone say Deep Impact?

Get well Morgan Freeman, we need you.

JESUS CHRIST!

Are all the planets aligned? Is there an eclipse on the horizon that will open a portal to hell? Are vampires going to walk the Earth's surface in the near future? What the hell is going on today?

Let me take a step back. First thing I read today is Kelly Bundy has breast cancer. Next, Morgan Freeman gets in a bad car wreck. Miley Cyrus has even MORE hacked pics - when is she going to friggin' learn??? I think she is trying to take over as the new Paris/Nicole/Christina/Britney/you-know-where-I'm-going-with-this. It turns out that Kid's Meals at most restaurants are chock-filled with calories!!! I would've never guessed it by the lack of ridiculously fat kids running around everywhere. I mean seriously, what the fuck happened to going outside and playing with kids in the neighborhood? You know, riding bikes, manhunt, a good old fashioned group ass whooping...And to top it all off, Kathy Hilton actually has something semi-intelligent to say.

Do yourself a favor today and stay home if you can. Or don't. With whatever it is in the air, your roof will probably cave in if you stay in. Just be careful. Crazy-ass signs of the apocalypse.

Shia LaBeouf messing up?

Thank God. This D-Bag has been ruining movies since he came onto the Hollywood scene. You might remember him from such great films as Transformers, Indiana Jones 4ish, Constantine and I-robot. Oh, you haven't seen any of those films... neither have I. Strange isn't it?

This weekend Shia (sweet name I thought I was writing a blog not hanging out at a strip club) was arrested for driving under the influence after getting into a car accident. Luckily no one was hurt, except Shia. He needed surgery on his hand and is expected to miss 1 month of filming on Transformers 2.

No way. That means, another piece of crap film that I will never see will be delayed another month or whatever. Blah blah blah and stuff. Yada yada yada eh ah eh.

OK this kid sucks. He makes millions and millions making movies (if one would dare call the 2 hours of wasted life that) and the fucker can't call a cab? Hopefully he spends 16 minutes in jail just like the rest of the celebs that get arrested for DUI's. I mean 16 minutes in jail can really change your life. Ask Lindsay Lohan, Khloe Kardashian, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, together they have spent almost 6 hours in jail. Yeah, hard time.

So Shia I hope the surgery goes well. Movies cost about 12 bucks a ticket now a days and without your name in the previews I might see some of these pieces of crap. Shit I want to retire some day.

False Alarm

Phewf. Everyone will be happy to know, I'm pooping solids again. I could've sworn that I had a case of the tomato salmonella. And with 1148 cases nationwide, I could've been right. You see, salmonella give you the liquid squirts and makes your tummy rumbly in a bad way. Sometimes you puke late at night in your boyfriend's house and wake up from sleep a contributor to this blog at 4am on a work night. (I mean, does she hafta sleep over every night man???) But I digress.

Remember the Taco Bell scandal of late 2006? Everyone that had either the green onions OR the lettuce (so anyone that didn't just get a pepsi) was in danger of getting E. Coli. And there are always tons of beef recalls for mad cow or e. coli. And now this tomato (or, I'm hearing, it could be jalapenos, cilantro, or Serrano peppers) outbreak is full of salmonella. How is it that all of a sudden all of our food is infected? You never heard of this stuff back in the late 80's or 90's.

It's one of two things. First, the Mexican migrant workers that are increasing picking the crops are beginning to see vegetables as places to wipe their butts and hang out. This would account for some of the nasties our food is carrying with them when they're shipped to us. But I doubt this is the case. I mean, are they doing it? Sure. More than the 90's? No way.

The second (and more logical) idea, is that the media has just taken this and run with it. Now, I know what you're saying. The media??? Blowing something out of proportion??? NO WAY! I know. I was scared and confused at first too. But as soon as you get out of the fetal position, start thinking about it. Now that the newspapers and 6'o'clock news have to deal with failing business models because the internet made everything real-time, they need more news instead of the recycled stuff that everyone has. So why not make it?

Back in the 90's, if a bunch of people got sick, it was called "food poisoning". You'd puke, and you'd go to work a day later. The end. It sucked, but you dealt with it, and you never freaked out. Now, if you get sick, you have e. coli, salmonella, and Loki's old nemesis, the herp. (Not that Loki has the herp, he just hates it cause it called him names once).

So if you get sick, just do what they used to do. Take the day off, run a nice bath, and suck down a bottle of the old pepto. Also, make sure to put a tarp down, cause you never know which hole.

Miss USA Falls, Again.

In Miss Universe pageants you see women walk, smile, walk some more and smile even more. You see them walk in bikinis you see them walk in dresses. You see them walk together, you see them walk alone. You see them walk up stairs, you see them walk down stairs.

How they are judged, I have no idea. They all walk and smile and one eventually wins. In a "competition" which you are judged solely on walking and smiling there are only two things you can do to truly blow your chances of winning.

One, have no teeth. Two, fall down.

Miss USA obviously didn't work very hard at the second part. Sure she smiled... She smiled the shit out of the competition. However, it was that whole walking thing that got her. Damn it... Why didn't she train on her walking. We all know that Americans always have trouble in the walking sections of the "competition". I mean look at last years competition.



Two years in a row our American representative fell down. Really America? Seriously USA? I don't care if next years rep doesn't have teeth, just make sure she doesn't fall again. This shit is getting embarrassing.

Airlines Getting You Down? Punch Someone In the Face.

Christina “I don’t even look that trashy” Szele, 35, of New York (shocker) is accused of punching a flight attendant in the face mid flight. She had been drinking on the plane and decided she wanted to smoke a stogy. After lighting the cigarette a flight attendant forced her to extinguish it prompting a much deserved punch in the face. I mean shit she was trying to have a butt, can you let her live!!! DAMN!

Who do these flight attendants think they are? I got stuck on a run way one time for 2 hours, so I got up to take a piss, and a woman tried to stop me. As if me, walking in a plane that isn’t moving could kill me and everyone else on the plane. I mean they served me half a Coca Cola with big round ice cubes with the holes in the middle. Of course I am going to have to use the rest room. That is like 6 ounces of fluid that went right to my blatter.

You should have seen me, I was all like “whatever” and then she was like “Sir, you shouldn’t be up walking around when the plane isn’t at the terminal. I am going to need you to go back to your seat.” And I was all like “whatever.” Then I kicked her in the shins and 3 years later I am finally done with this stupid ankle bracelet.

California OKs Gay Marriage

On June 18, 2008, California became the second state to legalize gay marriage. I'm cool with this. Gay people tend to be clean, have ultra-low crime rates, operate some fine restaurants, and dress me pretty well.

In fact, I actually once had a moment with a gay guy. I was at work and walked into the men's bathroom, where a gay gentleman was doing his business at a urinal. I walked into a stall. And started taking a wicked dump. And while I was mid-dump, I thought to myself, "Man, I bet I'm really turning him on right now."