Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Hi friends, in honor of Lee's Denim Day, I'm offering to provide breast exams fully free of charge to the first 100 women to participate in this exclusive offer. Restrictions apply: no fatties or uggos, unless the uggos have crazy good bodies and wear bags over their head and promise never to show me their faces.
In all seriousness, please click the link above and donate a few bucks to breast cancer research - 1 in 9 women in the world will develop breast cancer and 1 out of every 2 people you know have breasts (plus, here's a little known fact: men can actually get breast cancer, but we try to macho it up by saying "pec cancer" or "chest cancer"). Unfortunately, this disease has a high chance of hitting close to home at some point in your life.
But seriously, boobs...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Well, I attempted to read this poor excuse for an article and I was astonished. Apparently you can still be skinny even though you have giant curves and an ass the size of Texas. Now, I'm not saying that Kim is fat, not gonna lie I would hit it, but shes in no way skinny. Mischa Barton is skinny, Kate Hudson is skinny, Kim Kardashian has a giant ass. Imagine if I went around saying that I'm skinny, just that my giant gut and thick wrists are curvy. See?
Friday, September 26, 2008
This week was a big “coming out” party for celebrities; however I don’t call it “coming out” when they were obviously gay for years.
Lindsay Lohan admitted to being in a homosexual relationship with Sam Ronson. NO WAY!!! Impossible I have only seen about 50 pictures of them kissing, holding hands and oh yeah scissoring each other. Ok maybe not the last one but come on. When was this a secret?
Clay Aiken, ok first hint… his first name rhymes with gay. DUH. Second of all, if you are holding a cigarette next to him you don’t need a lighter to begin sucking down those delicious poison fumes. You just need to lean closer to him and it will ignite.
Tom Cruise, who didn’t see this coming? wait he didn’t? Are you sure? I had this whole thing written up about him finally admitting he was gay and wanting to have sex with alien men with glowing penises and stuff… oh well that joke doesn’t work now. Although I will keep it on ice for when he finally does come out and then it will kill. KILL I tell you!!!
I have no problem with gay guys. Nope, none what so ever, if they are gay then they are out banging dudes, you know what that does? IT LEAVES MORE WOMEN FOR ME! Hey if every guy out there became a butt pirate do you know how much pussy I would get! More then I can shake a stick at for sure.
You know what I do have a problem with? Lesbians. Yeah that’s right I might be the first guy ever born that doesn’t like female carpet munchers. Sure it is nice to see two good looking women go at it for awhile but do you know what that leaves me with? MY FUCKING HAND!!! If a hot woman, wants to do other hot women that eliminates two hot women from doing me. It’s math.
PS: I am so happy my grandmother doesn’t have internet.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
“Magician” David Blaine preformed another one of his stunts in Central Park this week. Oh you didn’t hear about it? That’s weird considering David Blaine is still such a big star.
Blaine hung upside-down for 60 hours. Yup, hung upside-down, now that’s fucking magic. Just as magical as that time he laid in a grave for a week with no food. Yup, not eating, magic. Or that time he was underwater for 4 days and he was breathing in scuba gear. Yeah, I can’t even make up something that is magical about that one.
What the fuck David! Make a quarter disappear and then reappear behind my ear. That is magic… not eating for a week, that isn’t magic, that’s starving! Fucking homeless people do that all the time. They can also make a quarter disappear, however they never make it reappear. That is why they are homeless and not magicians.
So David either do some magic or go away. No one cares about the dumb shit you do. What’s next? You’re not going to shave for a month? Holy shit, this guy can do anything!!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
All I wanna know is, where do I sign up for next years event, is there a waiting list, and of course what type of meals will be served at this event. To save some time if anyone knows the answers to these questions go something along the lines of online, no waiting list, and vegetable platters...my response would have to be "Well then I'm sorry but the first two sound great to me, but unfortunately I cannot deal with the last one. Thank you for your time, and I hope next year you will consider some type of Buffet style event as I would love to attend". PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
This lovely young lady, going by the alias Natalie Dylan, is auctioning her virginity to help pay for her graduate school because "[She] wants to earn her Master's degree without having to work while doing her studies." I applaud Natalie for her extreme laziness. Hmmm, work for 4 years or get felt up/wrecked by some creepy old guy? It's a toss up.
Dylan's taken a polygraph test and is willing to undergo a medical exam to prove her v-card status. Man she's lucky that it's still in tact. My ex-girlfriend lost hers while she was riding a horse. And then again after having sex with several men.
Apparently, hundreds of offers have already come in, most (I'm guessing) are from lonely, old guys. Some offers on the table have been from male virgins. Dennis Hof, who is helping organize/legitimize the auction, says Natalie will be considering may factors in determining who she will make the lucky man, who will have an awkward, bloody, painful (on her end) good time. She'll be considering the amount of money offered and the man's personality. "She wants to be with a nice person that is going to help her continue her education," said Hof. Don't we all, Dennis? Don't we all...
Let's be honest here. She's cute, but not quarter of a mill cute...unless I get to keep her when I'm done.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Following her mega-hit album, Blackout, Britney Spears will be dropping her hotly anticipated album, Circus, this December. Oh shit, I forgot sarcasm does not translate well when typed.
When asked for a comment about Circus, Britney replied, "Circus? I like dem monkies. Dey always touchin' theyselves. This one time, I done seen one scratch his butt and then he done fell off the tree..." Ms. Spears continued talking but I tuned out.
Three things I look forward to dropping more than the new Britney album:
1. Rosie O'Donnell's bowel movement after half a cheese cake, two glasses of milk, and a 7 course meal at El Cholo
2. A meteor
3. My white blood cell count
Thursday, September 11, 2008
9.11 brings out feelings in every American. Some are saddened by the people who were lost, some feel fearful of another attack, Texans feel they should buy a gun and fire wildly into the sky and some (loser assholes) feel 9.11 was a government conspiracy.
While walking past the World Trade Center this morning I saw many people morning and honoring the fallen men and women. Some in tears, some holding flags, but there was a collective sense of togetherness as we can all agree that what happened 7 years ago was a terrible act of cowardice.
When I finally got through the crowd (I was 25 minutes late for work) I saw another group of people wearing the shirt shown above. They stood completely by themselves armed with unkempt facial hair, glasses and guts. These Michael Moore want-to-bes leaned against a building breathing heavily as this has been the most physical thing they have done in the last 10 years.
They claim they are there to make people think, it sure made me think. “These guys are all Jerkoffs.”
They claim that they have proof, they sure proved a lot of things to me. 1) They proved that they don’t have jobs. Who can afford to sit out there all day and just hang out? It's a fucking Thursday. 2) They proved that without jobs they definitely live in their mother’s basement and play computer games all day.
Who needs girls when you have World of Warcraft and Hot Pockets?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I am not a sweet-tooth. I have always preferred chips and beer over candy and milk shakes. I really like salt and I find that nothing compliments chips, pretzels and hot wings (I don't care if they aren't salty, they are fucking awesome) better than a nice frosty brew. So you can understand my amazement when I stumbled upon a tiny piece of chocolate named Mr. Goodbar.
I looked up the ingredient and they were quite simple: chocolate and peanuts. Who hasn't had those two together, they are an epic combination. Yet still I didn't see anything to go nuts (stupid puns) about. I opened the cleverly named bar and popped it in my mouth. Then I shouted the first thing that came to my mind.
“What the fuck Mr. Goodbar!” at which my co-workers looked at me in shock.
That little chocolate man created such a delicious explosion in my mouth, I could hardly contain myself. After re-examining the wrapper for the hidden ingredient, I saw that there was none. I immediately took another bar and ran back to my desk.
From there I hung Mr. Goodbar upside down and dipped him in and out of water as I yelled (they really shouldn't tell the American public how they torture people, waterboarding is really easy to do).
“What is in you, you son of a bitch!?” “Why are you so fucking delicious?!” “You better start fucking talking?!”
Yet he wouldn't. He was as stoic as a statue. I could appreciate this as a man, however I thought to myself, “I must break him.” This is when I went back to the bag of mini candy bars and noticed that Mr. Goodbar had a wife. Her name: Krackel.
Soon after my threats against Krackel's life, I broke Mr. Goodbar. It seems he couldn't handle watching me crack her crispies. Defeated, he told me the secrets of his genetic make-up. It seems in the 60’s there was an adjustment to the composition of the bar when more “peanuts” were added… More peanuts, sure, you call it peanuts, I call it heroin. That’s right! Heroin, in your chocolate, yup you heard it here.
Fuck me, I need another fix of Mr. Goodbar.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
"This has been a curse on Cuba," said Vanessa Rincon, 46, as she waited in a long line at a Havana grocery store, holding a handcart full of candles, water, crackers, bread, soft drinks and chocolate. "We were spared for so long but now we're coming face to face with hell. Our luck has run out."
I agree. This is what Commies get. Plus, I bet one of the Castro's had her killed shortly after for defaming her country. My thought is that Kim Jong Il and a renegade Soviet have stumbled upon a weather-making machine from the days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. First Katrina, then Gustav, now Ike. Think. Katrina (Russian), Gustav (German/Russian), Ike (Tina Turner beater, therefore un-American). To cover their tracks of trying to blow up the Gulf-Coast oil reserves, they had to martyr Cuba. Will these Commies stop at nothing!!!???!!!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Everybody's 2nd favorite famous 80's black child-actor that had a growth disease (I've always liked Webster's Emmanuel Lewis best) Gary Coleman done went and hit a man with his truck. The story goes, Coleman was in a bowling alley, a fan wanted a picture of or with him, Gary didn't want the fan to have that picture. The fan took it anyway. Coleman pulled out of his parking spot and hit him later in the night.
Wow. You can't make that up. Little people driving trucks. Can he even see over the dash? Cause that would be a totally acceptable defense. It was an accident. He's three feet tall. He couldn't see.
I think back to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Short-round sits on phone books and has huge platform shoes to drive the taxi. "Docta Jones, Docta Jones, you snap one more picta of me, I drive ova you!" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Doctor Jones???" Yeah, that's awesome.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Members of the band Heart are furious that Sarah Palin's intro song is their late 70's hit Barracuda. If you know the song, it's pretty fun and it's also on one of the Guitar Hero games. It goes something like this:
[Low electric distorted guitar]
Dun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duh duhdah
[weird screechy singing]
You lying so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me
You'd have me down down down down on my knees
Now wouldn't you, barracuda?
Sarah Palin (a.k.a. Loki's newest crush, a.k.a. Sarah Barracuda from her high school basketball days) is probably THE most important vice-presidential candidate in US history. Think about it. Does anyone care what Biden does? He's just Biden his time (haha, sorry, that was crappy). But if McCain were to win the election somehow, he could die within 20 minutes of inauguration being 375 years old. Never before has anyone expected the Pres to die of old age in office. This could happen, and we could have a semi-hotty hockey mom with a slutty daughter as the first female President of the US.
So Heart is mad. They, like all other musicians and actors, are unabashedly liberal. Which I don't get. They basically get paid inordinate amounts of money, give SOME of it back. I know Brangelina is amazing and whatever, but they just bought a friggin' $70 million vineyard in France, and something tells me they could've done with a lavish $2 million and given $68 million to some country in Africa where all the citizens' yearly income together is less. And yet they pretend to care about the common man, or the blue-collar worker. They suck! They sit around for 2-3 hours a day getting their hair and make-up done, 3 hours with a personal trainer, and then they act like they're someone cool. And then they collect. Or with rock stars, they just sit on a pimped-out bus and do drugs, have sex, and tour the country. Boo-hoo. So don't pretend like you care. And if someone wants to use your music, or your catch phrase, or your likeness, deal with it. That's what you get paid for. Like your music has THAT much influence where it'll sway someone to vote for the McCain ticket. Get over yourself.
Yes, that's correct. Like many other Americans, Paris has had her computer password stolen by hackers using sophisticated XxHAXORxX techniques...like e-mail and AIM. Apparently these password stealing people are a huge problem because some guy wrote an article about it, and I actually bothered to read it (the whole thing too).
Honestly, when the hell was the last time you heard of anyone getting their password stolen like this... 1, maybe 2 DECADES ago? Jesus Christ I remember when I was around 13 and me any my friends used to sit around and try to steal our friend's passwords the exact same way. I think it worked once...and only because we tried it on his little brother, who was fucking 7 at the moment.
Lastly, I love how this article uses Paris Hilton as its test subject. Like OMG if Paris fell for it...anyone could! I say good job to those hackers. They studied their opponents and went for the weakest link. Like when a tiger attacks the baby antelope in a herd grazing the fields of the African plains. Except in this scenario, Paris is still alive. God damnit Paris stop ruining Darwinism.
Well. They've done it. They've FINALLY gotten an elephant off of heroine. About time. I keep seeing those elephants on the street trying to offer me peanuts for blow. And this one Babar guy keeps trying to hang out with me, when we both know the last time he was around, he stole my watch to sell it for crack. Don't believe me? Read the story linked to the picture.
This one elephant's traders fed him heroine-laced bananas to keep him manageable. The Chinese government found out, and they put the goofy bastard on an island for rehab for 3 years, all the while shooting it with 5 times the human dose of methadone. Now he's clean and making all his amends from the 12-step program. I've heard he's accepted that there is a higher power, but I'm still waiting on my call.
Now, I know what everyone is thinking. And no, I don't think we can trick Amy Winehouse into a vacation on a remote Chinese island, even if we DO tell her they'd shoot her up with 5 times the human dose of methadone. She needs at least 10. And she ain't goin' to rehab. No, no, no.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Now, you're gonna think I'm crazy. And I am. Crazy like a FOX!!! But bear with me here.
The article above (linked to the picture) explains that children are up to 3 times as fire retardant as their mothers. When babies drool on the tv remote or lick the tv or do whatever they do while you're watching Tyra and basically ignoring them being a terrible mother, they imbibe fire retardant chemicals which pool in their blood.
After animal testing (I'm all for it, those little bastards should learn algebra like everyone else), it was determined that this could lead to reproductive problems down the road, or hyperactivity. But thus far, no problems have been found in humans.
So, I say we feed kids this stuff on their Cheerios. Then we dress them up all cute, and send them into burning buildings. Think about it.
1) Fiscal Responsibility. Why pay fire fighters and their families pensions? Babies don't have kids or husbands/wives. That's gross. Plus, if we're feeding them this stuff, odds are they won't be fertile anyways. We could probably get away with just giving them happy meals. Those things are like 3 bucks tops.
2) Babies are small. You ever see a movie where the firefighter gets stuck under something and ultimately dies sacrificing himself for a lost child? Babies wouldn't get stuck! They can crawl out of anything. They're the size of bowling balls, and there ain't much that can trap one of them.
3) THESE babies will be immune to fire. Fire retardant? Check! They'd be like tiny dragons.
4) Babies are lazy. What have babies done for us besides being extremely cute and crapping and crying? Get a job!
(Paid for by Mr. Book for President)
The above picture is of former Detroit Lions running back Tatum Bell. Now, good ole Tatum was picked up by Detroit last year from the Denver Broncos. He didn't play much all season and this year he was about to be overshadowed by rookie running back Kevan Smith.
The Cincinnati Bengals had freshly cut their old starting running back, Rudi Johnson, who had been in and out of the team doctor's office with injury after injury. When Rudi was healthy, he was a strong running back, and had even made the Pro-Bowl. So the Lions invited him up for a workout, and before you know it, they sign Johnson.
This of course did not please Tatum Bell. Within a few days, Rudi was on the team, and Detroit cut Bell. As a going away gift, Tatum went into the locker room and stole two Gucci bags that Johnson had been given as a present for going to the Pro-Bowl. The Lions had security footage showing Bell take the bags. Johnson was infuriated and apparently Bell told him that he mistook the bags for another player's and delivered the luggage to a female companion of said player.
A woman eventually appeared at team headquarters with the bags, but they were empty. Johnson stood to lose credit cards, his ID, underwear and gym socks. He cancelled his credit cards, but not the underwear...
Now, is anyone surprised a football player stole another football player's luggage? No. 3 players in the past 18 months have been shot, with 2 deaths and the current victim (Jacksonville Jaguar's Offensive Lineman Richard Collier) in critical condition. What I'm surprised with is that this man had Gucci bags. These guys are supposed to be all thug and tough, but they walk around with their Gucci bags and their Perrier, and their pinkies held up as they sip their Earl Grey.
Plus, I heard that the bags went MUCH better with what Bell was wearing that day, so all charges were dropped.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
We've also made some bumperstickers that are basically our logo with a snazzy catch-phrase. I know we've arranged for Sara and Puck to have some. If you'd like one, just comment.
For better news...
The possible Vice-President's daughter is preggo. No, not the sauce. But she's 17, and it seems like she must lika the sauce...
Pro AND College Football are officially both back as of Thursday night. The defending Superbowl champions play the 'Skins, and the 18-1 wonders play the KC Chiefs.
This means that Fantasy football is back. And I love it. I hope Tom Brady has a disgusting 95 touchdowns this year, and that he doesn't choke until the playoffs again like last year.
TV fall line-ups will start in full swing. Some shows have even returned. Plus, it's always fun to see which crappy new shows will bomb while they replace old favorites that were cancelled way before their time.
Fall is in the air. Everything cools down a bit, reminds you of going to school or college, and you begin to have a unique blend of nostalgia/suicidal tendencies longing for before you had to work 8-12 hours a day doing boring stuff in front of a computer.
Take care for now!
Wait? No, not pleasure. What's the opposite of pleasure?
The new video is supposed to be a spoof (I think) on 80's workout videos a la Jane Fonda. However, a spoof is no excuse why her mouth cannot be synched up with the lyrics. She's truly taken campy to a whole new level. On the plus side, this song is slightly less bad than the rest of the crap she's put out thus far. And it's better than Scarlett Johannsen's song. But, in Scarlett's defense, she has MUCH bigger cans. And hers are real.
Although Heidi's music continues to be crap, I like the message. But instead of love, Heidi and Spencer should overdose on something a little stronger. Like bleach. Or oven cleaner.
Also, the Japanese, while smart and efficient, tend to mostly come in compact.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Next, I found out that Julie Roberts went from being an average looking chick with DSLs to a flatso. Seriously, this chick is making $20 million dollars per movie, whereas I am only making $200 per scene for, ahem, similar type work. And she only looks slightly better than me in a bikini...
Kelly Osbourne, on the other hand, has been looking HOT lately. I think it's the new tattoo...
With beauties like this roaming the globe, I have no clue what prevents me from being a rapist. Just kidding! It's my parole officer. She's a hardass...
But alot has happened in the celebrity world recently, and we'd like to keep you abreast of the situation.
Speaking of abreast...
Apparently Hollywood is under some sort of bra and panties shortage in the past few years. First there was Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan all flashing their coochies getting out of a car. Then there was Lily Allen falling out of a shirt like 30 times despite her A-cup warriors. And now it's remarkable if you see Katie Holmes or Lindsay Lohan out WEARING a bra. (When will they learn that sheer black fabric with photo flashes is like spraying a cold hose onto a white t-shirt?)
The Golden Boy
Question: How much does it take to get a meeting with Lindsay Lohan?
Answer: 8 Gold Medals
Michael "Breaststroker" Phelps (it's a little nickname we have, you'd understand it if you knew him as well as I do) said 4 years ago that he was really into Lindsay Lohan. Then he had only 6 gold medals and 2 bronze. Now that he has 8 from Beijing, Lindsay finally wants to meet with him. Also, she's been off the man-meat so long, she'd prolly hit anything.
Amy Winehouse was reportedly see doing coke in public. Katherine Heigl is still an uppity bitch that badmouths anyone working with her and has a skewed view of her place in the universe. Heidi Montag still can't sing, but that won't stop her from making records.
Wrap a pink ribbon 'round the old oak tree...
Kelly Bundy (Samantha Who? for you chicks) had her boobs scooped out. I really hate cancer. But I think breast cancer is the cruelest form. One day they're sitting there pretty, and the next, some doctor is trying to rip them off saying you'll die if you don't. If I could make a gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make one that kills Shia LaBeouf. If I could make a second gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make THAT one kill breast cancer. Yeah, that's just how much I hate it. It's SOOOO close to Shia. And everyone knows how much I hate him.
McCauley Culkin has been dating Mila Kunis for years and they're listed as "domestic partners" on wikipedia. What the hell. Things like this is why we have the site. Bleh.
American Idol? How the fuck can there be 8 seasons of that shit? Wasn't it made to find the best singer? I mean once the first person won isn't the next winner the second best singer? Who gives a shit about the second best anything?
Well now the reason for this post, a brand new reality TV show is coming out in early September. The show is called "Hole in the Wall". Contestants will be standing on a platform over a pool as a wall moves closer to them. Then the person has to jump/duck/position themselves correctly to fit through the hole in the wall (such a clever name). If they do this they probably win money or some shit.
Oh you don't believe me?
You know what? On second thought I am going to watch this show in hopes that someone gets terribly injured. Don't get me wrong, I don't hope any individual harm. However I hope the masses learn from the death of one asshole on a stupid show.
Shit if it keeps up like this TV shows won't need writers anymore... What else are the PESUP crew and jewish people going to do?
Monday, August 25, 2008
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE END MY FRIENDS!
This picture is irrefutable proof that the four horsemen of the Apocalypse have ascended to Earth to claim the souls of the wicked. You are looking at a picture of Famine. No word yet on where her horse is or the location of the other 3 horsemen, however you can not deny this fact: The end of the world is here.
What? Are you trying to tell me this is Madonna? You mean to tell me this is the singer from the 80's Madonna?
Hey, I was raised Catholic I think I would know what the horsemen look like and I say that is definitely it.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Ellen Degeneres and long time girlfriend, Amanda Lee Rogers (yes, she changed her name TO Portia De Rossi) will be getting married this weekend, and I think everybody is with me when I ask: would a handy from Ellen Degeneres make me gay?
On one hand, I bet she has pretty strong, rough hands and she looooves the vag, which would make the answer lean towards yes. On the other hand, she technically has a vag and it would be HILARIOUS to see her trying to work my bone. It would be like watching a retard with a Rubik’s cube. First, he’d try to fuck it. When that didn’t work, he’d try to eat it, throw pudding at it, and then attempt to fuck it again (in that order). Yeah, Ellen and Lil’ Lok’ would get along famously. Maybe they could even get a sitcom...
What's up today?
US Women's Gymnastics kicks ass. Nastia Liukin won Gold and Shawn Johnson won Silver, despite the judges clearly cheating and giving them shittier scores than the Chinese. Now what's that you say? Didn't know I was a gymnastics fan? I'm not. I'm a gymNASTIA fan. That girl is skinny, blond, short, barely legal, and so flexible, she could probably wrap her legs around her head... twice. Plus now she's famous, and that leads to rich.
But she and I could never make it. She'd blow her fortunes on Chalk and Wrist Braces (what's with gymnasts and chalk?). And as soon as she allowed her body to take the natural growth spurt by not prolonging whatever voodoo magic gymnasts use, she probably wouldn't be as flexible and skinny. But it's ok. The breakup would be better than our second story.
These two broke up.
If you don't know them, they're Mike Francesa and Chris Russo from Mike & the Maddog fame. They had been together for 19 years as radio personalities in the NYC metro-area. Last evening, while on vacation, Chris "Maddog" Russo had enough and quit the station.
For anyone that's been listening lately, this SUCKS. Why? Dynamic dead? No, they pretty much hated each other, and you could tell on the air. It's cause both of them have been taking vacation every other week, so that they didn't have to be around each other. And they SUCK doing a show by themselves. Mike with his boring atonal voice just drags on about the Yankee glory days and Russo just talks about Tennis and Bruce Springsteen concerts since his San Francisco Giants suck.
Together the droning voice and high-pitched nasal squeal would be somewhat charming. But alone... Tune into another station...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Struggling manufacturer, General Motors, is in process of developing the Chevy Volt, a plug in electric that gets 40 miles from a lithium-ion battery pack and can be recharged through being plugged into a standard outlet, by 2010. People, being sheep, are in a tizzy over this "gas-saving wonder". Sites like GM-Volt.com, have over 33,000 people signed up on unofficial waiting lists (although the average price people are willing to pay is $32,000; while Chevy has affixed a $40,000 sticker to this vehicle). Doesn't the Volt sound too good to be true?
Well, here's a shocker to the 33,000 idiots that are signed up on the fake Volt waiting lists - it is! The theory behind the gas saving plug-in electric car is a farce. Let's take a look at how the Volt draws energy: through being plugged into a wall outlet. Let's see...where does the energy in a wall outlet come from? Electricity, right? Right. Now let's extrapolate a step further. Where does electricity come from? It comes from a power plant. A power plant converts GASOLINE and NATURAL GAS from their current forms into electricity and distributes the charged electrons from the power plant to the wall outlet in your home. In other words, electricity is derived from gasoline. But here's the kicker: gasoline in your gas tank may be more efficient than gasoline that has to first be converted into electricity at a power plant and then distributed, losing a large amount of charged electrons along the way due to entropy and inertia. Not to mention, only being able to get 40 miles to a charged battery pack is nothing. You WILL get stuck. A lot.
The plug-in electric hybrid is a farce. It does not save on gas and may ultimately be more INefficient. If you want to save on gasoline or stop support the oil exporters, buy a car that can run on bio-diesel. Then you can take the discarded oil from McDonalds (or your personal fryer, fatty) and run a car on that. Or buy a compact and read a hyper-miler's handbook. PT Barnum said it best, "There's a sucker born every minute". Don't be that guy.
RRRIIIIGGGHHHTTT. Sure Chad, the best swimmers in the world can't beat Phelps, but apparently you, and your inner city swimming gang can. I'm not a racist, but I do know that every stereotype has some truth to it. For example...black people can't swim. There will NEVER be a famous black swimmer just like there will never be a famous Asian Nascar Driver.
I can agree that this was in bad taste, but when was the last time you saw something funny that wasn’t. Asia, if your mad just make fun of the Spanish… Let’s see what we can say. Lazy, rude, oh and the fact that they couldn’t pick a government so rather then getting involved in real wars they just fought themselves for the last two hundred years.
Huh? The Olympics are in China… What’s the difference?
Angelina Jolie is being replaced as the face of Tomb Raider's Lara Croft by this lovely young lady, named Alison Carroll (click for larger image). Granted, I'm an admitted Angelina Jolie hater. Her pompous "I'm gonna save the world while concurrently adopting every kid I see along the way" attitude just rubs me the wrong way. She's too self-important and may be the most overpaid person alive.
Inevitably, every time I open my mouth to rant about my dislike of Angelina, I get the same old, trite response, "Well, you wouldn't kick her out of bed, Loki". Well, you're right. But, I wouldn't kick your mom out of bed either and I hate her too. After all, she gave birth to you, didn't she?
On a side note, skinned knees are so sexy. I love the commitment!
So, I'm sitting here in the PESUP office, staring vacantly into space. This isn't unusual. I draw my salary by sitting, staring, being an awesome whiffle ball left handed pitcher with the arm stamina of Orlando Hernandez wearing lead weights, and by trying to keep pace in soft shelled taco eating competitions with Murdoch and McNugget.
During one of my staring sessions, a thought occurs to me. I've read the Jenna Jameson autobiography. Why? Um, because it's basically a book of confessions from a sex addict. I've read the Nikki Sixx autobiography, because it's the confessions of a drug addict who has sex with sex addicts and groupie bitches. I've read the Gene Simmons autobiography because I want to hear about how one of the ugliest men alive gets more ass than a couch cushion at the Kardashian house. I've read the Rodney Dangerfield autobiography, because it's really funny. The point is drug addiction and sex addiction are sexy. People want to know about who famous people diddle. How many people? Where? When? How many people were involved? They also want to know what people had to do to get their drugs or what other people did to get drugs from them. Also, who did people diddle after using drugs?
I don't think you'd ever catch me dead reading an Ann Wilson or Carnie Phillips autobiography. I don't care about how they just couldn't put that fork down because the double chocolate, deep fried, double-stuffed baconator was so delicious. I don't care about their staring wars with the fridge and I sure as shit don't want to hear about who they had to blow to get a Fat Darrell from the Rutgers grease trucks.
I guess what I'm getting at is: Ladies, if you're going to pick an addiction, sex is the way to go! On a completely unrelated subject, what are you doing tonight :)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
US Team fought as hard as they could to take home the Gold however all hope was lost after Alicia Sacramone slipped while she was on the balance beam. She lost her footing and fell off the beam. The points that were deducted put the USA in a hole they would never recover from.
Normally this is something I would pounce on, blowing it in a big spot. In all reality I just really want to pounce on her. I don’t care if she cost us the gold or shot my dog, when you look that good it doesn’t matter what you do, you win.
So Alicia, if you are down because of the recent failure at the Olympics, don’t worry about it. Call me up, and we can go get some ice cream and mini-golf. Come on… how can you turn that down. Ladies love mini golf.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I'm always reading about how my tax money is being pumped into some dumb-ass study on the effects of cow farts on the o-zone or the impact of "global warming", which Futurama accurately predicted is a farce since it will eventually be offset by nuclear winter anyway; there's nothing to worry about. I think a funnier study would be the impact of really fat people's farts on the o-zone layer. If fat people's flatulence severely impacts the o-zone, I'm all for sending them to the moon. They'd be thrilled anyway...because it's made of cheese.
In reading the news on a daily basis, I've realized that as long as you pitch it well, you can get ANY research project funded. You just need to address the right audience with the right words. My research project would be called "You're all just a bunch of pee-drinking shit-eaters".
The basic idea behind this principle is that there is plenty of urine that goes into our bodies of water and plenty more that is evaporated into the air. Think about it, there are 7 billion people peeing 3 - 6 times a day. That's a lot of piss. Now those same people are dropping on average one deuce a day. And that goes into our water. Water irrigates our crops, evaporates into the air and comes pouring back down on us, goes into the beverages that we consume. Oh also, there's plenty of semen and vomit following the same patterns (my guess is in far smaller quantities though).
I'd be willing to bet the average person indirectly consumes something like 8 gallons of recycled piss, 3 lbs of recycled shit, and 6 quarts of recycled semen during their lifetime; or significantly more for any female that's been on a Czech porn site. So next time you're consuming your Dasani, think about the fact of how much of other people's excrement you're consuming. On that note, I'm hungry - I'm gonna go get lunch.
Brad Pitt will be playing the leader of a group of Jewish Americans who battle the Nazis during WWII. Hopefully during the battling they will talk about Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and dance the twist in yellow biker suits.
However, if someone tries to kill Pitt by running over him in a “Death Proof” car… I am turning it off.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
As soon as Bernie Mac died a couple days ago, I said to myself "things like this happen in 3's". I was all set to make a post on Monday commenting that Cedric the Entertainer, Martin Lawrence, and Chris Rock should watch out and take it easy the next couple of days. But tragedy has already struck a 2nd time.
As many of you know by now, Bernie Mac died at the early age of 50 from complications related to pneumonia. And the PESUP crew is sad to inform you that Isaac Hayes (Chef from South Park) has passed away Sunday. He was 65.
While he was a scientologist (and we think it's pretty much a popular cult here), he was still a man that made us laugh by teaching us such valuable life lessons such as looking for the clit and making love down by the fire. Even South Park creator and lottery-winning best friend Trey Parker and Matt Stone had agreed that some fruity little club was to blame for his mind scramble, and that we should not blame the man who portrayed Chef.
So I put out a notice of caution for all older black comedians. At first I thought it would be traditional ones, but if you've even lent your voice to a hilarious cartoon character, beware. The law of 3's says one of you is next.
And I swear, if you take Samuel L. next, the PESUP crew will go to hell and back to bring him back from the grave. (I can't believe I found a picture with Bernie Mac, then Isaac Hayes, and then Samuel L. If he dies soon, we need to look into a conspiracy to kill the set of Soul Men.)
Friday, August 8, 2008
We've also hit (smashed more like it) a milestone of 10,000 hits on the site a few weeks ago. We're currently at around 12,250. This post right here is also our 250th post. But we know we need to get better to get bigger.
Some things on tap for year 2 include PESUP bumper stickers, fan postings, Podcasts, and more wacky stunt days. We'll be giving out free bumper stickers to anyone interested, so please let us know if you'd like one. We're also in talks to have fans post on our site. We'd do it about once a month or so (we get final edit) and we'll pick the best viewpoint. If you're interested to be in the running (I'm talking to you Puck, Sarah, Dave A, Kramer, etc.), just post another comment and we'll divulge the email address to send your post to.
Finally, we're thinking of doing a monthly or bi-monthly podcast (audio only) that you could download and listen to on your ride to work. And as always, we'll be increasing our challenges (such as the Century Club) where we can update posts for the day.
Have a happy 08/08/08!
You know how I know you're gay? You had sex with Brooke Hogan and she finished. On your back. Brooke Hogan is the perfect lay if you're unsure of your sexuality. Just drop your pants, grit your teeth and take it, you pansy. If you liked it, make sure to tell your father to sit down before you break the news to him. If you did not enjoy it, you might still be a power top. Although, I don't think Brooke is the best way to tell if you're a top; she's too big and looks like the Brawny paper towels mascot. I'd suggest finding one of the Corey's. I hear they have some experience in the matter.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I admit it. I got jealous and had to post a cloud picture as well. It doesn't make sense? Awwww! But Loki and McNugget were doing it! Whatever.
Reports out of the AP today claim that Morgan Freeman's and his wife of 24 years are getting a divorce. There are no other details, but I can tell you how it went down. When he got in his car accident on Sunday, they listed a female passenger that wasn't his wife. Now, as soon as I saw that, I was thinkin' to myself "go Morgan, go Morgan, it's your birthday!" Cause let's face it, you don't drive in backwoods Mississippi with some random honey.
Surprisingly enough, a few days later, when it is discovered he's doing fine, his wife is getting ready to leave. One of two things happened:
First, Morgan was cheating on his wife for a long time, and she knew about it and looked the other way. As soon as the press started peaking in on them due to the mysterious woman in the car crash, the rumors began to swirl and she looked bad, so she won't tolerate it anymore and now wants half of his money.
Second, she didn't know about it, and this was a pretty awful way to find out. First you're all like "oh no! Morgan! I hope he's okay!" Then once he's fine, you start asking who the other woman was, and why she was there when he was going fishing ALONE like he says he does each Sunday while you're at church. And then it's a double whammy; broken hubby becomes ex-hubby.
Or, I guess there's a third option. Morgan saw his own movie The Bucket List, and on his list was to start banging the type of woman he should (25-year-old hotties) before he passed away. And this car crash was just a wake-up call that even he will not live forever. And Morgan, if you're reading this (I just KNOW he does!), if you ever wanna hang out with the PESUP crew or anything, I'm, ya know, here and stuff.
I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Drinking and button flies do not mix. A drunk person is 7.5 times more likely to get piss on his jeans if they button instead of zip.
Fact: Mountain Dew significantly decreases sperm count. Fiction: It is an effective method of contraception.
A microwaved grapefruit is NOT an acceptable substitute for a vagina. Unless you enjoy having a stinging peehole.
The c-bomb is never appropriate at work. Unless you work in porn. Then it's always appropriate.
Men have selective hearing. "I have a boyfriend" is hardly ever acknowledged. "My boyfriend is much bigger than you, and he's here" is hardly ever missed.
"WHAT? I'm JUST sayin'!" is NOT an adequate explanation for why you told the girl you just met at the bar that you think Jon Benet Ramsey was hot. "I was going after your hot friend before you stepped in" is.
The New York Post reports that Jenna Jameson, the hands-down biggest name ever to work in the porn industry, is pregnant with her first child, with UFC fighter boyfriend Tito Ortiz.
I don't even know how you would go about getting her pregnant in the first place after appearing in over 75 porno flicks, plus recreational sex, plus being raped a number of times (at 16, she was gang raped by 4 guys and again that same year by her boyfriend's uncle) and a botched crotch surgery. I cannot imagine there being one shred of tread left on that tire. I think it would take Tito's entire leg for there to be any friction during intercourse.
Add to that the poundings that they've both taken over the years; the kid is going to come out looking like a slab of roast beef that went 12 rounds with Rocky Balboa (in his pre-Tommy Gunn prime). And no kid should have to go through that.
How long can a fetus hang onto an umbilical cord anyway? That baby is going to have to hold on for dear life or face falling out every time she stands up. My prediction is that the baby is going to struggle to stay in, get tangled up in the cord, and end up looking like Red at the end of Shawshank.
That kid (considering it miraculously manages to survive) is going to go through a lifetime of hell. It's hard enough growing up. Now, imagine growing up and everybody in your school, including your teachers, has seen your mother with another girl, taking it every which way and getting sprayed more than a car wash. That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.
Ridley Scott, the man who brought you the arab-friendly version of the crusades in Kingdom of Heaven, is now unsurprisingly producing Nottingham, the Robin Hood version sympathetic to the Sheriff of Nottingham. Sources here at PESUP tell us that his next major film will be Charleston, a movie sympathetic to slave owners leading up to the American Civil War, and portray the Underground Railroad as a bunch of thieves that are stealing property from all important ante-bellum land owners.
But alas, he cannot get to this film without finishing Nottingham. It was slated to begin filming soon, but will be pushed back until 2009 due to leaves. Yeah, leaves. You heard right. No one had thought ahead and remembered that fall makes the leaves brown and not green when they originally set a production meeting for this.
Of course, Hollywood being Hollywood, the thought to digitally color in each individual leaf did cross their minds. But apparently that would blow their budget (and not wasting all that money on that hack Russell Crowe). I bet Sienna Miller (Maid Marion) wins an Academy Award for this crap cause she takes her top off and everyone's like, "WOW, she's natural and small!" cause apparently that's great for indy-flicks and serious award contention. If she's nude, and you're not in the mood, you win an award. If she's nude and you're like "dude!", it's gratuitous. And this is why I hate Hollywood.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Remember that girl that hiccuped for 5 weeks straight? She was all "wah, wah, I can't go without hiccuping!" And she was on every damn daytime tv-show (so McNugget informs me) and everyone was offering these backwoods stupid-ass things for her to do to cure them.
Somebody'd be all like "hey, hold your breath." And she would. And then someone would be like "drink the honey from a bee hive where the new Queen is still a virgin while under a full-moon." And she would. And then someone would be like "take roofies and hang out in my bedroom cause I have a totally cool mirrored-ceiling with two-way mirrors on the walls and complete circuiting for my 5 tv cameras with full audio." And she did that too. Nothing worked, and eventually the hiccups went away by themselves.
One of the stupid ideas she took was actually a machine created by a company called Hic-Cup Ltd. (think Hick and Cup). It's some sort of straw thing that sends a shock through your temple while you drink, supposedly calming the, and I quote, "vagus nerve." So the fool used it, and it didn't really work, but the company decided it would pay her $2,500 to mention the product on tv. She did, and the company paid.
Fast forward til now. Her parents are suing the stupid company because pictures of her using the device are showing up in advertising materials. They claim that the $2,500 was for the one television appearance. So the tv appearance made into marketing materials were not part of that cash.
That's like saying "hey, I haven't farted in 5 weeks, let me go on tv." And everyone would be all like "hey, eat beans, eat taco bell, eat White Castle, get something shoved up there." And then Far-Tur Limited asks me to use their item, but it doesn't work, so they pay me two-and-a-half grand to say that it makes me feel like farting, and then I sue them cause apparently I had a stick up there the whole time.
This recent photo, taken in the month of August 2008 proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Anna Nicole Smith, not unlike 2Pac and Elvis, is still alive! Which really upsets me - I spent 5 months glued to my TV like an idiot wondering how she died - did somebody kill her? Who gets custody of the baby? Who gets the house she was living in? Where is she going to be buried? Why is her mother so white-trash? What the hell does Howard K. Stern do anyway? All that precious time wasted, and for what?!?!
UPDATE - apparently that's Gwen Steffani sporting her new "I heart cheeseburgers" look that she pinched from PESUP Ugo-of-the-Week alumni, Khloe Kardashian. Reports say that Khloe next plans on teaching Gwen how to consume 3 dozen buffalo wings without chewing (hint: bleu cheese soup; you don't even feel the bones).
UPDATED UPDATE - apparently she's just pregnant. Again. Sadly, I would still do her in her current state. What's a little placenta juice anyway?
ABC News actually took it upon themselves to talk about proper saving seat educate. Some classic stuff on that page, my favorite part is:
"I think the rule on saving seats is that people need to be reasonable," he said. "There is no formula for how many saved seats make it OK. It doesn't matter if it's one or three or five. You can't make a formula based on the size of the room and the number of available seats.
"If people are getting a magazine or using the restroom, but they're around, it's reasonable that you can hold their seat for them," he said.
In no way shape or form are any of the PESUP Contributors celebrites but I am pretty sure more people read this site then have seen Hairspray the movie. Shit I am pretty sure more people have walked on the Moon then saw Hairspray the movie.
Morgan Freeman is the opposite of Shai LaBeouf. When I heard Morgan Freeman was in a car accident I was so scared that I cried in the bathroom stall, like a teenager that just found out she got knocked up. I didn’t care about any one or anything except if Morgan Freeman was alright. Shit, I don’t care if he was drunk, high, and driving blindfolded I would still look up to Morgan Freeman. He could have killed 6 families then eaten the dead babies off the road and I still would be more worried about him then anyone else in the wreck.
Why do I refer to him only as Morgan Freeman? You don’t disrespect a legend or a god and if you're both then you're Morgan Freeman.
If you think I am wrong for saying that line, look at his filmography…
The Shawshank Redemption
The Dark Knight
The Bucket List
Gone Baby Gone
Lucky Number Slevin
Million Dollar Baby
That is just a random list of 10 movies, do you know how many other awesome movies he has been in… Did anyone say Deep Impact?
Get well Morgan Freeman, we need you.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Are all the planets aligned? Is there an eclipse on the horizon that will open a portal to hell? Are vampires going to walk the Earth's surface in the near future? What the hell is going on today?
Let me take a step back. First thing I read today is Kelly Bundy has breast cancer. Next, Morgan Freeman gets in a bad car wreck. Miley Cyrus has even MORE hacked pics - when is she going to friggin' learn??? I think she is trying to take over as the new Paris/Nicole/Christina/Britney/you-know-where-I'm-going-with-this. It turns out that Kid's Meals at most restaurants are chock-filled with calories!!! I would've never guessed it by the lack of ridiculously fat kids running around everywhere. I mean seriously, what the fuck happened to going outside and playing with kids in the neighborhood? You know, riding bikes, manhunt, a good old fashioned group ass whooping...And to top it all off, Kathy Hilton actually has something semi-intelligent to say.
Do yourself a favor today and stay home if you can. Or don't. With whatever it is in the air, your roof will probably cave in if you stay in. Just be careful. Crazy-ass signs of the apocalypse.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
This is one of those stories that you truly don’t believe until you read the article. It seems that a party called So So Def Summerfest Weekend, hosted by Jermaine Dupri and Sean "Diddy" Combs in Hotlanta was interrupted by gunfire. Wow, people getting in trouble in
I don’t want to say anything too bad but, come on. Can we play off stereotypes any harder? A large group of people get together with hiphop artists and someone pulls a gun? Wow that shit is more shocking then the ending of the 6th Sense. No, it really is, my brother told me the ending of the movie before I saw it.
Just once I want to write an article about a girl from the south that keeps her life together, or a male musician not getting arrested or shot at… Wait a minute, no I wouldn’t. I love being an asshole.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I'm not sure if this is news or not, but I know nobody has heard it yet. Today, around 4pm EST, Brett Favre applied for his reinstatement back to football. Apparently he could not wait to be back on the field, carrying his teammates to certain victory. Are you shocked? I know I am. I remember that day he was all crying being like "I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth" then subsequently got Lou Gehrig's Disease and died. Wait, wrong thing. But he was really sad.
Wait, you know that he's applied for reinstatement for the Packers already? And you've known about this for weeks now? Oh, well, I'm not talking about the Packers. In a PESUP exclusive, we have learned that Mr. Favrarevea (however you pronounce it) is applying to be reinstated by the NCAA so that he can go back to becoming the quarterback of the Golden Eagles of the University of Southern Mississippi.
When asked why he took so long to render this decision, Favre responded:
Well, I had never intended on graduating. They asked me, but I felt as if I was under the gun at the time, and I wasn't ready to make a decision. I felt bad leaving the fan base and leading them on, so I told them I would graduate, knowing full well I wasn't ready. I know my body can make a return to college football, plus the cheerleaders are hot and young.
When asked to comment, the USM spokesperson referenced that Brett was out of academic eligibility, and that he had finished his coursework in Education (with focus on special education), and had exercised his full 4 years of NCAA eligibility.
Brett was then quoted as saying:
All I'm asking for is my shot to try and compete. I know I can win behind the USM offensive line. But if USM will not allow me to pursue a starting quarterback position, I will attempt to transfer to Florida State, Florida, Miami, Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, Tulane, or any school on USM's schedule during the year. If I am unable to do this, I will go back to my high school in Kiln, Mississippi. Cause hey, high school girls are hot.
The less famous...errr excuse me NOT famous Lohan, recently auditioned for her first movie role. The movie "Troll" is supposed become the next mainstream horror movie and Ali just couldn't resist the temptation. I mean come on, we all know that "House of Wax" boosted Paris Hilton's career so Ali's move to do film is totally understandable. The only problem with this movie is not that it will go straight to DVD, its the fact that the director is Peter Davy, who has directed many adult films including "Breast Wishes 14" and "Bun Busters 12" (both quality movies). If that wasn't bad enough, Davy is most noted for discovering the porn star Houston...who once got jiggy with 620 guys in one film. I think this all happened because Ali heard that Lindsay starred in a movie called "Herbie Fully Loaded" (talk about false advertising...not one load was shot during the entire movie, well except for mine of course!).
What's funny about this whole situation is that Dina is accepting NONE of the blame for this, mind you that she is still Ali's manager. Look, I know I don't know everything about movies and crap like that...but I do watch "Entourage" so I feel like I know enough to make fun of this situation. In reality, as a famous person's manager you really only have one job, to research people involved with movies or whatever it may be and see how you liked and/or disliked their previous work. It's really not hard, I think any 12 year old knows how to use imdb.com. I guess Dina was too busy eating bon bons and watching "General Hopsital" to actually manage one of her two clients.
However, I hate ending on such a negative note, so in case your wondering Ali got the part. HORRAY!