Wednesday, October 10, 2007

He really is just plan creepy.

When I was a child, the Internet was just in its beginning stages. No one knew the true possibilities it would provide: communication, online gambling and of course porn at the touch of a finger tip.

When I was a kid I would look at Victoria Secret catalogs, stay up late to catch a 2 second boob flash on late night HBO. I remember my first real run in with boobs, I will never forget that magical day.

It was just like any other day. I went to my best friend’s house and played G I Joes. We would each bring our figures and have a giant war. His older sister also happened to be in the room playing with her Barbies. Now I had seen Barbies before but since I am a boy and only have brothers I had never understood the full potential of the toy. When she changed that doll’s dress and her miraculous plastic tits shown to the world, like two large diamonds in the middle of a coal field, my life had completely changed. Ever since then I have a soft side for Barbie. She let me know that everything was going to be alright.

I have never told anyone about this fascination (until now), I have never invited anyone to marvel over Barbie’s mega mountains with me and I have never in a fit of rage and embarrassment cut up a Barbie and looked for a place to dump her plastic body. That means I have two things over Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen reportedly purchased a $6,000 full-sized, anatomically-correct cheerleader doll. He brought his Plastic Play Pal with him on the set of “Spin City” and spoke about “her” often. On one occasion he invited two women to have a foursome with him and his Silicon Soul Mate. The women laughed in his face. Charlie went berserk (great word so rarely get to use it) and took a meat cleaver to his Artificial Annabelle and chopped off her hands.

He then had his body guard help him wrap the doll in blankets and load the “body” in the trunk of his car. Wait his body guard touched that thing? Gross… They drove around until they found a dumpster to disregard the evidence.

This just in: Police found a body made out of plastic. They are looking for suspects; she was last seen, not in a dumpster and with Charlie Sheen and two females who were laughing. It would appear that the police suspect Sheen but no charges have been filed.

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