Jenna Jameson is Knocked Up

The New York Post reports that Jenna Jameson, the hands-down biggest name ever to work in the porn industry, is pregnant with her first child, with UFC fighter boyfriend Tito Ortiz.

I don't even know how you would go about getting her pregnant in the first place after appearing in over 75 porno flicks, plus recreational sex, plus being raped a number of times (at 16, she was gang raped by 4 guys and again that same year by her boyfriend's uncle) and a botched crotch surgery. I cannot imagine there being one shred of tread left on that tire. I think it would take Tito's entire leg for there to be any friction during intercourse.

Add to that the poundings that they've both taken over the years; the kid is going to come out looking like a slab of roast beef that went 12 rounds with Rocky Balboa (in his pre-Tommy Gunn prime). And no kid should have to go through that.

How long can a fetus hang onto an umbilical cord anyway? That baby is going to have to hold on for dear life or face falling out every time she stands up. My prediction is that the baby is going to struggle to stay in, get tangled up in the cord, and end up looking like Red at the end of Shawshank.

That kid (considering it miraculously manages to survive) is going to go through a lifetime of hell. It's hard enough growing up. Now, imagine growing up and everybody in your school, including your teachers, has seen your mother with another girl, taking it every which way and getting sprayed more than a car wash. That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.