Monday, August 11, 2008

You Should be Thankful I'm not a Research Scientist

I'm always reading about how my tax money is being pumped into some dumb-ass study on the effects of cow farts on the o-zone or the impact of "global warming", which Futurama accurately predicted is a farce since it will eventually be offset by nuclear winter anyway; there's nothing to worry about. I think a funnier study would be the impact of really fat people's farts on the o-zone layer. If fat people's flatulence severely impacts the o-zone, I'm all for sending them to the moon. They'd be thrilled anyway...because it's made of cheese.

In reading the news on a daily basis, I've realized that as long as you pitch it well, you can get ANY research project funded. You just need to address the right audience with the right words. My research project would be called "You're all just a bunch of pee-drinking shit-eaters".

The basic idea behind this principle is that there is plenty of urine that goes into our bodies of water and plenty more that is evaporated into the air. Think about it, there are 7 billion people peeing 3 - 6 times a day. That's a lot of piss. Now those same people are dropping on average one deuce a day. And that goes into our water. Water irrigates our crops, evaporates into the air and comes pouring back down on us, goes into the beverages that we consume. Oh also, there's plenty of semen and vomit following the same patterns (my guess is in far smaller quantities though).

I'd be willing to bet the average person indirectly consumes something like 8 gallons of recycled piss, 3 lbs of recycled shit, and 6 quarts of recycled semen during their lifetime; or significantly more for any female that's been on a Czech porn site. So next time you're consuming your Dasani, think about the fact of how much of other people's excrement you're consuming. On that note, I'm hungry - I'm gonna go get lunch.

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