Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A Note Worthy Conspiracy Theory

I am not a sweet-tooth. I have always preferred chips and beer over candy and milk shakes. I really like salt and I find that nothing compliments chips, pretzels and hot wings (I don't care if they aren't salty, they are fucking awesome) better than a nice frosty brew. So you can understand my amazement when I stumbled upon a tiny piece of chocolate named Mr. Goodbar.

I looked up the ingredient and they were quite simple: chocolate and peanuts. Who hasn't had those two together, they are an epic combination. Yet still I didn't see anything to go nuts (stupid puns) about. I opened the cleverly named bar and popped it in my mouth. Then I shouted the first thing that came to my mind.

“What the fuck Mr. Goodbar!” at which my co-workers looked at me in shock.

That little chocolate man created such a delicious explosion in my mouth, I could hardly contain myself. After re-examining the wrapper for the hidden ingredient, I saw that there was none. I immediately took another bar and ran back to my desk.

From there I hung Mr. Goodbar upside down and dipped him in and out of water as I yelled (they really shouldn't tell the American public how they torture people, waterboarding is really easy to do).

“What is in you, you son of a bitch!?” “Why are you so fucking delicious?!” “You better start fucking talking?!”

Yet he wouldn't. He was as stoic as a statue. I could appreciate this as a man, however I thought to myself, “I must break him.” This is when I went back to the bag of mini candy bars and noticed that Mr. Goodbar had a wife. Her name: Krackel.

Soon after my threats against Krackel's life, I broke Mr. Goodbar. It seems he couldn't handle watching me crack her crispies. Defeated, he told me the secrets of his genetic make-up. It seems in the 60’s there was an adjustment to the composition of the bar when more “peanuts” were added… More peanuts, sure, you call it peanuts, I call it heroin. That’s right! Heroin, in your chocolate, yup you heard it here.

Fuck me, I need another fix of Mr. Goodbar.


Jared said...

haha good article I was waiting for the Mr.Goodbar you my only friend.

Puck said...

oh man, don't even get me -started- on Krispy Kreme!

heh heh... waterboarding...