Monday, August 11, 2008

Top Ten Weirdest Days of My Life

So today was a very very weird day for me. Today I had to wake up at a reasonable hour (still in double digit am's though) because I had to do an basically right off the bat my day started off weird. Then I'm in my ride cruisin around (checking out babes and/or fast food places...3 McDonald's, 2 BK's, 1 Blimpie, 1 Taco Smell) jamming out to some ill beats, when all of a sudden this Hooker (and by that I mean female) cuts me off in her Nissan POS. After about a 1/4 of a mile we ended up side by side at this red light, and she has the nerve to start yelling at me. She was all like "Can't you see that I have 2 car seats in here!? Why wouldn't you let me in, I have two babies with me!?" I was so appalled by the nerve of this lady all I could do was stare at her...and then I started to giggle. This did not make her happy at all...and lets just say she starting using most if not all of those four letter words that you cant use in school or court. The reason why this made me son angry is because this lady thinks that since she has babies in the car she can drive like a maniac. When you have kids in the car shouldn't you drive like my 80 year old grandma, and not like your competing in Cannonball Run.

I finally arrived at my destination, roughly 20 minutes late because someone changed the name of the road without letting googlemaps know. So whatever, I get there and I'm in the waiting room when I realize that there's only two people in here, and only one of whom is sitting (take a wild guess who was sitting down). Seriously, there was this old lady...standing in the corner of the waiting room looking at the wall. At one point I thought this old hag died standing up, which would have been amazing, and so worth being bugged our for 15 minutes.

So I'm in the office (which by now I'm sure most of you assumed is a Doctor's office...and yes I'm fine thanks for asking) and I was asked to take a pee pee test. So the nurse has got to be like 75 and she hands me the cup and bounces like Lebron's balls when he's chasing Kobe up and down the court. So I take the cup and go in the bathroom to do my business. Half way through my stream the lady is banging on the door yelling at me because I wasn't supposed to do it yet and I just messed up my test and blah blah. So I kink it and run out and began apologizing and crap and somehow everything is OK (basically I could have just cheated on a drug test and gotten away with it). Then for some reason she makes me wait in the exam room for another ten minutes (mind you I still haven't finished peeing), and I begin sweating like an Asian whore in church. Finally the lady lets me leave, but I know I can't walk back to the bathroom cause that would have been more awkward than the time I got a boner in drama class reciting Hamlets famous monologue.

I sprint out to my car, pop that shiz in D, and head to the nearest 711. Unfortunately for me and the store owner, the bathroom is out of order. At this point I'm near tears so I do what any normal 20 year old male would do. I pissed on the side of the building with my junk in full view of the nearby highway. At least the owner won't have to worry about squirrels and deer coming near his store anymore.

Now I think I have to be safe, what next could possibly happen to me. Boy was I wrong, today was just not my day with the red lights. There I am, stopped at yet another red light with a car next to me that wants to talk. I turn over to see a two girls in a car, one African and one Asian. I didn't even know that those two races hung out together...but then I remembered Tiger Woods. Apparently the girls wanted to hang out with me, and on a normal day I would have totally took them up on their offer, but since I was having the weirdest day of my life I responded by turning up my radio to dull out their voices. The light turns green and we go our separate ways when it finally hits me...I just turned down the coolest inter-racial threesome EVER!

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