Thursday, August 14, 2008

There is Nothing Sexy about Food Addiction

So, I'm sitting here in the PESUP office, staring vacantly into space. This isn't unusual. I draw my salary by sitting, staring, being an awesome whiffle ball left handed pitcher with the arm stamina of Orlando Hernandez wearing lead weights, and by trying to keep pace in soft shelled taco eating competitions with Murdoch and McNugget.

During one of my staring sessions, a thought occurs to me. I've read the Jenna Jameson autobiography. Why? Um, because it's basically a book of confessions from a sex addict. I've read the Nikki Sixx autobiography, because it's the confessions of a drug addict who has sex with sex addicts and groupie bitches. I've read the Gene Simmons autobiography because I want to hear about how one of the ugliest men alive gets more ass than a couch cushion at the Kardashian house. I've read the Rodney Dangerfield autobiography, because it's really funny. The point is drug addiction and sex addiction are sexy. People want to know about who famous people diddle. How many people? Where? When? How many people were involved? They also want to know what people had to do to get their drugs or what other people did to get drugs from them. Also, who did people diddle after using drugs?

I don't think you'd ever catch me dead reading an Ann Wilson or Carnie Phillips autobiography. I don't care about how they just couldn't put that fork down because the double chocolate, deep fried, double-stuffed baconator was so delicious. I don't care about their staring wars with the fridge and I sure as shit don't want to hear about who they had to blow to get a Fat Darrell from the Rutgers grease trucks.

I guess what I'm getting at is: Ladies, if you're going to pick an addiction, sex is the way to go! On a completely unrelated subject, what are you doing tonight :)

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