Drinking and button flies do not mix. A drunk person is 7.5 times more likely to get piss on his jeans if they button instead of zip.
Fact: Mountain Dew significantly decreases sperm count. Fiction: It is an effective method of contraception.
A microwaved grapefruit is NOT an acceptable substitute for a vagina. Unless you enjoy having a stinging peehole.
The c-bomb is never appropriate at work. Unless you work in porn. Then it's always appropriate.
Men have selective hearing. "I have a boyfriend" is hardly ever acknowledged. "My boyfriend is much bigger than you, and he's here" is hardly ever missed.
"WHAT? I'm JUST sayin'!" is NOT an adequate explanation for why you told the girl you just met at the bar that you think Jon Benet Ramsey was hot. "I was going after your hot friend before you stepped in" is.
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