Friday, May 30, 2008

What the Hell is That!?

A rare uncontacted tribe in the Amazon has been photographed for the first time from the air (seriously, what the hell is that?). Of course some stupid tree-hugging, hemp necklace-making, non meat-eating, sticky bud-smoking, haircut-needing, sweaty feet-smelling hippies have come to the aid of these savages. A group who calls itself Survival International has made it a top priority of theirs to educate the world about this tribe and others like it, and also save them I guess (other top priorities of the group include: watching Dazed and Confused on HBO tonight, sleeping past 1pm, and bringing back the 5-5-5 deal at Domino’s).

Why do we need to save these people, they are retarded. Look at the picture…they are shooting a bow and arrow at a plane….a fucking plane! If anything the world could do without them. I’d rather ride shotgun in Nick Hogan’s car than save these weirdos (actually, that’s a complete lie, but it sounded funny when I said it in my head).

Sweet village you losers...

An Alien I Am.

Denver – Stan Romanek was sitting in his Colorado home when he saw something at the window. It appeared be the face of a creature he had never seen before. With a quick thinking and reaction time Romanek grabbed his video camera and began to record the creature. Then he realized that this four-foot tall grayish green creature was an extraterrestrial, alien to the layman.

Even though Romanek was only able to record the creatures head it is said that in the video you can see the face blinking and breathing. When asked if it could have been a sock with a hand in it and two buttons sewn on for eyes Romanek said:

"No, come on, who wears green socks?"

The video has since been shown to film experts who have agreed that the video has not been altered. There are no special effects or editing in the video proving that whatever is seen was really there. The video will be held from the public for sometime however PESU has the exclusive feed on this one. I managed to get the raw footage and am posting it here. For the first time you will see a small grayish green creature from another world. Please brace yourself, this footage will shock you:

Wow truly amazing stuff. Who the hell is that robot? Is that the aliens spaceship? Romanek looks a lot like Mark Hamill. Colorado doesn’t really look like I imagined it, oh well, I’m not a very good skier anyway.

Friday Afternoon Shout-out

Puck, Sarah, Dave A, and Scott T. Good job. I remember the days when Kramer was the only one writing comments (where did he end up?). Our next poll will deal with one of the 4 of us having to watch and post about the rest of the "Living Lohan" series. I'd hate to think who'll have to do that *cough*Murdoch*cough*. And that one is probably thanks in part to Dave A's comment. Scott T wants something about Elvis impersonators. By God as our witness, we will provide (don't know the angle yet though).

Also, the good folks at PESU will be sending out a weekly or semi-weekly email with a brief description of our new posts. If you'd like to be added to this listing, please send an email to with the subject "add me". We'll try and put you on the listing from here on out. Also, let us know what other things are bugging you, and we'll tell you our spin on it.

Happy commenting! And thanks again for all of your responses on the crazy poll (83 votes).

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bill Murray is Still the Man

Bill Murray’s wife, Jennifer Butler Murray, has filed for divorce after 11 blissful years of marriage from probably the second coolest guy on the planet (I’m obvi the first). The reasons for the divorce are as follows: he is abusive and he is addicted to marijuana and alcohol. First of all, how the hell is Bill Murray abusive? I mean he is old as shit now, have you seen him in his new movies, he looks like a fossil, I mean seriously somebody get this guy a rascal scooter. What could he possibly have done, forced her to watch Caddyshack and Stripes over and over again until her intestines exploded from laughing too hard? Second, no one is really addicted to marijuana. If Bill Murray wants to sit around and take gravity bong hits all day I have no problem with that…as long as he keeps making me laugh in his movies. Also, I feel that saying someone is addicted to alcohol is such a cop out, everyone uses it and it bores me, so I’m gonna let this one slide.

I know what most of you are thinking, “Boy I hope that Wild Bill made her sign a prenup”. Well he did, but for some reason in the agreement he made it say that he would pay her 7 million dollars within 60 days of a finalization of a divorce. And I thought I was stupid was some asked me “Who are the four famous men on Mount Rushmore?” and I responded “Paul, John, George, and Ringo”. I guess one out of four isn’t bad.

Rachel Ray, Terrorist Extraordinaire

Click the picture for article.

What do you see when you look at this picture? That's right. Delicious coffee being held by a terrorist sympathizer. And she's in a park! Oh no! She could be near our children! But fear not, the ads were pulled once a blogger (noted in the article above as a "conservative" but mentioned here at PESU as a bastion of freedom) notified Dunkin' Donuts that Rachel was wearing something similar to a "kaffiyeh", or muslim head-covering that "has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos".

Of course Rachel Ray is a terrorist. She's always screaming at the top of her lungs and speaking in some squeaky non-understandable language (or maybe it's just the coffee). How else could she take over most of the world by this point? She's small, semi-attractive and has about 20 jobs. But she made the wheat-thins box. She's pullin down wheat-thins money. And I heard her husband pays chicks to spit on him.

And as for Dunkin' Donuts. Is anyone REALLY surprised? The last time I went to D&D, it went something like this:

Mr. Book: Hey, can I get a coffee, light and sweet, and a boston creme?
D&D Salesperson: Na-da-ladah-hada-fadah two-dollars and fifty-two cent.
(a minute later)
Mr. Book: Um, you gave me 50 munchkins and a coolata. I ordered a coffee and boston creme.
D&D Salesperson: Mocha-choca-lata-dada.
D&D Salesperson: Ohhh... (staring at me)
(while I'm leaving)
Mr. Book: Damn terrorists...

Apparently Clay is not Gay

TMZ reports that former American Idol Runner up, Clay Aiken, has knocked up a 50 year old record producer named Jaymes Foster. I was 97% sure that Clay prefers the company of men and 84% sure that he was the catcher. Hearing this story changes everything. I'm now only 95% sure that Clay is gay and 83% sure that he catches. My world has been turned upside down.

Mariah At Least Throw Like A Girl!

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want a WNBA player as my wife. I want to be able to beat her at any athletic event we can possibly play. Hey, I want her to beat me at every domestic event we can think of like cooking and cleaning you know all that stuff that women love to do but after watching this video… Wow. I need a girl, who you know, isn’t retarded. When I am sitting out the couch and ask her to throw me a beer, I don’t need her to spike it on the ground. That would make the floor all sticky and shit. I need her to be able to toss it (underhand of course) to me.

“And Hey, What did I say about you showing those ankles like that!”

A quadriplegic could throw a better first pitch then this. He could use his lip to press the button to move his chair forward and then stop and the ball would roll off his lap and be closer to a strike then Mariah's toss.

What kind of cleats are those? Only large spike and it is in the back near the heel? That doesn’t even make sense. Mariah, did Nick Canon teach you to throw like that?

Japanese are into some weird shit, but this tops the charts… although what did they think when Rosanne sang the national anthem?

Lesson learned, let’s let ball players throw the pitches, singers sing and fat people… eat stuff.

The South is Silly

Chris Cagle is a country singer who has recently made it to the number 3 spot in the country music top 10 with his song “What Kinda Gone”(wow almost English). Cagle and his girlfriend were seen in a bar in Nashville last night when the two became intoxicated and got into a verbal argument. This wouldn’t be news except that later that same night the police were called to Cagle’s apartment and he was arrested for domestic assault after he hit his girlfriend.

Wait, a red neck got drunk and hit his red neck girlfriend? How the hell is this news? Personally I can’t believe that he got arrested for it. I thought getting drunk and hitting women was as accepted in the south as their custom of not learning to read.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Sure...Why Not

Female tennis star(?) Ashley Harkleroad, announced during her post-match interview on March 25th (in which she lost to Serena Williams), that she will be appearing (NAKED) in the August issue of Playboy. Why should anyone care about this…I’ll tell you why! It’s not because she is ranked 60th in singles and 145th in doubles, it’s not because her Grand Slam record is 10-19 with 0 championships, and it’s definitely not because she has 8 ITF tour wins (International Tennis Federation...which is apparently the kindergarten of professional tennis), but rather it’ because she’s hot and blonde. Oh, I almost forgot, she’s got a nice tight butt too.

Welcome Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone now joins PESU as things that China has banned (see Mission Accomplished.).

At Cannes Film Festival Sharon Stone referred to the May 12th earthquake as “karma” which infuriated Chinese officials. Stone said:

"I'm not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,"
"And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you're not nice that the bad things happen to you?"

Wow… I wrote an article about Humanitarians in poor countries sexually abusing the children. I wrote an article about if Jenna Jameson has a kid he will kill himself but I still think I am a better person then Sharon Stone. There's something about over 60,000 people dying in a natural disaster that I just don’t think is very funny. Call me a stick in the mud but I was willing to pass on that story.

Hey who are we to judge? Welcome to the black list Sharon, it is a shame the Chinese will never get to experience all your great movies like… umm… ehh… Casino?


Well folks. It's official. Hulkmania will reach its biggest heights since the 80's and the mid-90's when the Hulkster body slammed Yokozuna at Summer Slam (wearing tight white-wash jeans no less). After the press latched onto the tapes of the family calling little Nicky trapped up in prison for a stupid accident, the shit really hit the fan. So he was 16 and driving. So he didn't make his buddy wear a seat belt. So he was a bit drunk. So he was speeding big time. So he was racing one of his buddies. So he totalled the car into a tree. So he was "miraculously" unhurt while the other guy had to have a baseball-sized chunk taken out of the front of his skull (I'd post the picture but he looks like a scary mannequin, and it's just wrong to poke fun at him). America, you're missing the point! It's ok! His dad did lots of steroids and fought what amounts to a choreographed dance with other steroid-filled meatheads while some guy in the background collecting the money decided which one deserved a gold belt that would make Elton John blush.

I mean, the poor kid got 8 months in prison. EIGHT MONTHS! Just think, 30 years ago without all of the technology we have now, poor Nick Allan "Hogan" Bollea would still be in prison during his buddy's funeral! Plus, according to the whole Hogan clan, the media does not know the whole story. Here's Hulk's take: (from here)

Hulk Hogan: "Well, I don't know what type of person John was, (he WAS a guy with a full brain and skull) or what he did to get himself in this situation, (he got into the car with your son) I know he was pretty aggressive and he used to yell at people and he used to do stuff, (note the use of "used to do stuff") but for some reason God layed some heavy s#%t on that kid, man. I don't know what he was into."

Nick Bollea: "John was a negative person."

Hulk Hogan: "He was what?"

Nick Bollea "He was a negative person."(and that's why I tried to kill him)

And better yet Linda (mommy dearest) on the phone with little killer:

"She's not sad. She's just acting angry like she just wants the money," Linda Bollea said of John's mother, Debbie Graziano. "John never meant anything to her or Ed. It's just sad because I really appreciated you kids, and I just miss John. I miss you, too. She's not suffering. I am. I have the loss."

Ok. So her son is in the slammer (solitary confinement cause he's underage) for 8 months. She can't even get pregnant and have another child in that time. But SHE has the loss? The other guy will probably be a vegetable the rest of his life and a drain on his family's monetary and emotional welfare.

Ok. HOGANS, SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE F'IN RICH DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PRACTICALLY KILL PEOPLE AND THEN WHINE ABOUT IT AS YOU SCHEME TO GET NEW REALITY TV DEALS AFTERWARDS. I hope these bastards never work in Hollywood again. And ya know what? I want all 12 of the Hulkster's championship belts taken back!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

E! Has Made You Even Dumber

The Institute of Mental Retardation has published a paper entitled "Why America is Becoming Retarded-er" and released it to the public today. One of the leading causes of mental retardation in America today is E!'s recent programming slate.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Why are the Kardashians famous? Bruce Jenner has not been relevant since 1976, when his Lou Ferrigno haircut was still in. Kim, the most famous cast member, gained notoriety by letting a not-famous black guy (with a famous sister) video tape their sexcapades. If we give a reality show to every girl that does a black guy, there would be a lot of fat white girls with completely irrelevant shows clogging up the airwaves faster than Johnny's arteries at the Rutgers Grease Trucks.

Snoop Dogg's Father Hood
Snoop is so high, he's actually proud of himself for knowing his kids' names AND their nicknames. Allegedly, the show is scripted and the house that they film in isn't even Snoop's. If I really wanted to watch a pussy that was afraid of needles, I'd give blood.

Living Lohan
So far, I have been unable to subject myself to this crapfest, but I'm pretty sure it goes, "Hi, I'm Dina Lohan and this is why I'm a great mother..." Meanwhile, she insists on mom-aging the younger, innocent Lohan, by which I mean she's going to drive this girl to the brink as well. At 21, Lindsay looks worse than Sydney Pollack, even in his current state. I know, too soon... Poor Ali is fucked. Between her mother, father, and sister, she has an ice cube's chance in hell of turning out even semi-normal. Godspeed, Ali. I'm hopin' for ya.

Denise Richards' It's Complicated
Again, I haven't seen it out of respect for my 12 remaining brain cells, but this guaranteed shit spectacle chronicles the life of Denise Richards, who is famous for 1) f'ing Charlie Sheen and 2) showing her tits in a threesome with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Why we would give a wet shit about her life is far beyond my comprehension.

Please America, shut off the TV, put down the remote and grab a book. I'm all for low-brow, but do we really have to sink THIS low?

It's A Sad World

A report came out today that Humanitarian aid workers and United Nation peacekeepers are sexually abusing children of poor and warring nations. One 15 year old girl recounted a story about how some of the humanitarians offered her and her friends money for sexual favors.

"My friends and I were walking by the National Palace one evening when we encountered a couple of humanitarian men. The men called us over and showed us their penises.
"They offered us 100 Haitian gourdes ($2.80) and some chocolate if we would suck them. I said, 'No,' but some of the girls did it and got the money."

(Is anyone else getting hot?)

Joking, I am kidding. I think this is terrible. Here are the people that these countries needs so desperately to help them and they are taking advantage of the situation. What kind of person would do that? They should be shot. One would think there is nothing lower and more despicable in the whole world. I would have felt the same way if it wasn’t for what happened to me this morning. I go to the deli and order a sausage egg and cheese. I get it, pay for it and then walk back to my office. I sit down and open up my sandwich and … they forgot the egg.

How the hell do you forget the egg in a sausage, EGG and cheese? No, how do you forget the egg in a breakfast sandwich? Unbelievable!

Friday, May 23, 2008

No Pictures

A couple things. First off, thank you to all of our fans that have told us that we are doing a good job. I keep hearing from Murdoch and a bunch of our readers that we have a funny site and that we should "keep up the good work". But I have not heard it from any of our readers on the blog. If I had a nickel for each person that said something good, but didn't comment or vote in the polls, we wouldn't have to advertise.

We appreciate you reading us, but it seems like we're talking into an open mic broadcasting into space without feedback. If you'd like us to write something, post it as a comment anywhere. What makes writing this blog enjoyable is to hear your perspective on our posts. And as Puff/Daddy/Diddy/P/Nutty/Duddy/Whatever said: "VOTE OR DIE". Which kind of goes against the whole democracy thing. I mean, we're not Kuwait... (too soon?).

Two more things. 1) Have fun reviewing "Trapped in the Closet" Murdoch. Sucker.

2) Jenna Jameson having a son, yes, terrible, awkward, the kid'll off himself. BUT... if she has a daughter... Oh god yes. Another, younger her. She can do some mother-daughter scenes. So let's all pray to God... GIRL! GIVE US PINK! (clothing for all you sicko's out there).


In honor of the R. Kelly trial finally getting underway the guys here at PESU decided to do something special. If you look to your right you will see a Poll. This poll isn't the normal, what do you like, what should we change or stupid joke. This one actually means something. The person that receives the most votes must sit down and watch the entire "Trapped in the Closet" R. Kelly Opera/rap thing. It is like 30 mins long... and then we have to post about it. SO PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!!!!

Jenna Jameson Wants Babies Not Penises

Jenna Jameson is going to have kids. Jenna fucking Jameson is going to have kids. Honestly… would you rather be Jenna Jameson’s kid or Hitler’s? I feel like you would get made fun of less for being Hitler’s.

How do you explain to your child that you are the most famous porn star of all time? What happens when the kid turns 13 and he is trying to get his rocks off? He goes to his favorite porn site and bam! His mother naked. If that doesn’t kill a bone I don’t know what would.

Plus all of his friends, they can really say I saw your mom get double penetrated. And the kid can not say anything. In fact if he does they can just show him.

I say 17. Yup 17 years old then he either offs himself or runs away to join the circus. Be one of those clowns in that small car. There is no way there are more clowns in there, OH MY GOD, 7 more of the goofy bastards just came out. How do those incredibly scary creatures do that?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Boys Will Be Boys

Hey ladies, here is some proof that it's not only American males that act sophomoric their whole lives. When you go abroad and look for a sophisticated man who will take you from your miserable life and treat you like the princess you really are remember this story.

Three 29 year old Swiss men returned to their hotel after a night at a disco. They were presumably wearing bell bottoms, oversized floral patterned collard shirts, platform shoes and love beads at the time (those Swiss are so behind the times). They decided to have a friendly spitting contest… off their third story hotel room balcony.

Desiring to increase the distance of his spit one of the men decided to start from inside the hotel room and run onto the balcony. This way when he releases his saliva it would continue at not only the velocity (v) of his spit but his collective momentum (P) of running and the spit…

(it’s science, P = mv) (v = d/t).

The Swiss man however could not control his P and upon hitting the railing he was carried over it and fell to his death. Which leads me to think of Newton’s 3rd Law: law of reciprocal actions, which can be articulated best by: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction".

If you are acting like a really big asshole… you are probably going to die in a really dumb way. Dare I bring up the Darwin Awards?

*Thanks to Sarah for showing me this article.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Stolen Crystal Skull Bongs

Some believe that the ancient Mayan calendar predicted the end of days to be December 21st, 2012 based upon the supposed connection that the Mayans had with extra-terrestrials they believed to be gods. These gods bestowed upon them a series of 13 crystal skulls that would remain hidden in solitude until the day that humanity needed them most, and on that day, all 13 would be brought together in a line, and the world would be safe again.

Now. Add Shia LaBeouf and an alien-themed George Lucas-written fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Now, all of this has caused some skullmania (PESU has copyrighted that, so you owe us 10 cents anytime you use it).

Alas poor Yorick... was a party dude

First issue (click on the picture): A crystal skull in a shop in Claremont, California, (believed to be 500-years-old) was stolen. This was the only item taken from the shop. My theory, the skull moved itself to be closer to its 12 brethren so that mankind can be saved from the horror that will be 2012.

Second issue (the link): In Houston, two men dug up a body and stole the skull. Only to turn it into a bong. Now that gratefully dead corpse is truly the world's first pot-head. I knew marijuana impedes your judgement, but no matter how f'ed up you get, who comes up with the idea to defile a dead man to smoke through what used to be his head? And the biggest question of all, can you really take a good hit from a skull?

Canadians Suck at Rough Sex

Reuters reports that a Canadian man almost died when, during a rough sex game, he asked his woman to carve a heart into the skin over his heart. Since she had been drinking, she pushed too hard and punctured his heart.

The man survived and the woman was given three years probation for assault (the man did not press charges; instead he is actually backing her).

Dear Canada,

Please let this be a lesson. Yes, you can keep stealing shit from America, but stop trying to put your own spin on it. You'll only end up hurting yourself.

For example:

American Rough Sex - pulling hair and slapping her ass

Canadian Rough Sex - stabbing your lover in the heart

American Bacon - delicious (even when it is turkey bacon)

Canadian Bacon - a crappy movie directed by Michael Moore

There's a difference. Trust fuckin' socialist pigs.


Some say the end is near, others say this is God's way of punishing man for his sins. From tsunamis to cyclones, from twisters to earthquakes, the world has recently been plagued by natural disasters. However the mother of all disasters has occurred in Illinois, along Interstate 80. A truck carrying 14 tons of Oreos overturned spilling the delicious cookies everywhere. To make matters worse.........they were double-stuffed. This is a sad day for everyone involved and I urge all of you out there to pray for those devastated by this disaster. Also, tomorrow morning at 7am PESU will be holding a candlelight vigil on the southbound side of the highway where this atrocity happened. Also, donations are welcome. If we all give a little, we can change a whole lot!!
(I'll miss you...)

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Call Me Ashlee Wentz

Ashlee Simpson and her effeminate fiance, Pete Wentz, tied the knot at her parents' Los Angeles area home this weekend in an Alice in Wonderland themed wedding.

In my humble opinion, this is another one of Joe Simpson's attempts to whore his daughter out in the name of the mighty dollar. In the months surrounding the release of Ashlee's third album, Bittersweet World, Ashlee has [reportedly] gotten pregnant and married to keep her name in the press consistently. Considering Ashlee has a solid 2 octave range, it's no wonder Joe has to perform a bunch of publicity stunts to move records. I think Joe influences his daughter's decisions by whispering into her ear, knowing that she's dumb enough not to know the difference between a whisper and her own thoughts.

Wentz has openly admitted that he is attracted to other men in the May 2007 issue of The Advocate and admitted to making out with them in Blender. In November 2007 Wentz was quoted in an NPR story, "There's part of me that kind of wishes I was gay, and I think that comes from anybody constantly wishing they were in the minority and constantly wants to be fighting everybody off."

This relationship has solid roots and is bound to last a lifetime. Thankfully the sanctity of marriage was not shit on by these soul mates.

All that said, Ashlee's new album has sold under 75,000 copies to date. Joe, if you're reading - it's time to take it to the next level. Have a penis surgically grafted onto Ashlee. You'll make Pete the happiest girl in the world and that's bound to move another 100,000 records.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Cynthia Nixon set to marry boyfriend...

Look at the happy couple. The "smart with a nice personality" chick from Sex and the City and her boyfriend. Wait, that boyfriend of hers looks an awful lot like Rachel Dratch from SNL. HOLY CRAP! That's a chick. Ok, two problems with this, and I bet they're not what you think they are.

1) Lesbians like girls. Right? So why do most of them (or at least half) dress like guys with the short hair and baggy dress pants? I mean, if you want to let yourself go, fine, but don't wear fashions from the mid-90's and get ambiguous about your gender. If you want to be a lesbian, fine with me! Girls are hot! I get it! I totally agree! They're curvy, soft and very attractive. So if you're going to put a social stigma on yourself, you might as well enjoy it by getting some babe rather than a dumpy broad that looks like the man that you swear you don't like anyways cause guys are disgusting. Plus, Cynthia Nixon is probably very rich and famous from that crappy-show-turned-movie-that-discourages-all-women-by-making-them-think-something-is-inherently-wrong-with-them-but-they-eat-it-up-anyways. She could get a way better gay gal!

2) There's something else about this union that makes it suspect. To quote Cynthia herself: (from IMDB WENN news linked at the picture above)

"It (marriage) is something my girlfriend is interested in and it was not something my boyfriend (Danny Mozer, with who she spilt after 15 years together) ever was. I think that to get married to her would be a little act of rebellion. It's like if you've never had the vote and then you get it you're going to run out there and vote. I always avoided marriage in the past and was very wary of it. I felt like it was potentially a trap. People sometimes want the party, the gifts, and the public celebration of this big love - they're excited about that rather than the life commitment. So I always stayed clear of it."

So essentially what she's saying is that she's not really into marriage, but she wants to rebel against the boy who dumped her after 15 years by dating (and now marrying) a girl that looks like a boy, cause she doesn't need men now! And what offends me here, is that it's not really a choice to be lesbian or gay. Cause if it was, I doubt most people would pick being gay because of all the gay bashing out there. I don't think you choose to be different, you just are, and you become proud of your mix of differences and similarities with everyone else. So if you get dumped by someone, you can't just change teams! It belittles the whole system. Now, if you're sayin maybe she was into women the whole time, then why do you date a man for 15 years when you're in the most liberal place in the world (NYC) with it's own VILLAGE bigger than that of Santa's (minus creepy elves) that completely accept you? Plus she's rich! And she didn't hesistate when she switched teams anyways.

Eh. Good thing she's ugly.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Indiana Jones Pure Fiction

“Real Experts” (who are better then fake experts) decided that they would make it known that the life of an archaeologist isn’t as exciting as the movie Indiana Jones makes it look.

“Real experts in antiquities acknowledge that the (Indiana Jones) movies are pure fiction that present archaeology as blockbuster adventure, yet they cannot help but cringe at the way Indy manhandles the ancient world.”

Holy shit. Are you telling me an archaeologist’s life isn’t about killing Nazi’s and getting the girl? They don’t run around caves, talk to ghosts and discover ancient artifacts that are cursed? They don’t even carry a bull whip?

My college advisor was a fucking liar. Time to switch majors… I am thinking about switching to Urban American Studies. Maybe then I can learn why black girls don’t like me. Come on ladies, I am an equal opportunity lover.

Jodie Foster is Single

And speaking of newly eligible bachelorettes, the Daily Mail has reported that Jodie Foster and her girlfriend of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, have called it quits.

Man, I am in luck!!! Jodie and I would have the greatest time arm wrestling, going to roller derbies, and every once in a while, she'd let me beat her in a round of golf to make me feel better about myself. Yeah...I'd be a sweet lesbian.

I'd do anything for my Jodie, up to and including killing President Ronald Reagan. Too soon?

Jessica Simpson is Single

Last night TMZ reported that Jessica Simpson and Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo are officially done.

Cowboy fans are happy because she is a Cowboy pariah and has been labelled the single reason that Dallas did not win the Superbowl this year. It had nothing to do with Romo choking, the Cowboys lack of camaraderie, or individual egos being put above the team itself.

I'm happy because that hot piece is back on the market! Oh, wait...I have no chance. Ha, this story has no relevance to me. Or you...unless you have a lot of money, fame, power, and fans. So, no relevance to you either.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Peace In the Middle East?????

(Gotta love hippies)
Condoleezza Rice said Tuesday before the president’s trip to the Middle East that an Israeli-Palestinian peace deal before the end of the president’s term (8 months) is improbable but not impossible. Uhm yeah sure, whatever you say. Other things that are improbable but not impossible:
1.) Me losing weight.
2.) Vampires walking in the daylight.
3.) Amy Winehouse getting clean (by that I mean either getting off drugs or taking a shower).
4.) McDonald’s introducing a low-carb menu.
5.) Tom Cruise becoming normal.

Sue Simmons Hates Grocery Stores and You!

News Anchor Sue Simmons hates grocery stores that charge too much for groceries. When she finds out that you don’t hate them as much as she does… well… prepare to suffer her wrath.

*Update: they have been taking down this video all day so incase you click on it and it doesn’t work then here is the transcript

"At eleven, paying more at the grocer but getting less. We'll tell you how to get the most. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

The Paris Hilton Effect

Ok. It started out with Paris Hilton. It moved to Kim Kardashian. Then all of a sudden Miley Ray Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Hope Destiny Cyrus and Amy Winehouse are gracing the pages of magazines everywhere. Now, I wanna know where all these people came from? Paris Hilton's dad was a cheap hotel and mother a whore. So naturally, she was famous for having sex on video. Kim Kardashian's father was a lawyer for OJ Simpson and mother is a baboon (with puffy ass). So naturally, she's famous for having sex on video copying Paris. Miley Ray Cyrus's dad was a mullet that created one of the most overplayed and redneck songs on earth, and mother is a mullet aficionado. So naturally she is a kiddie star that dresses up in a wig a la superman and all of a sudden she has a secret identity. Plus she posed with her back naked in a photo and a shitstorm ensued. And Amy Winehouse. Her father is a crack vial, and her mother is a beehive? So naturally, she is a crackhead with a beehive on top, with a side of scabs, and apparently she sings songs about not going to rehab that really aren't that good lyrically or artistically, but she's really funny looking, so she must be good.

Now, my question. How did all of these people become famous? Back in the day, Paris Hilton did a few things for Rick Salomon, and she earned her praise. Sorta. But where the hell did these 3 tabloid queens come from? Just because your father died of the OJ curse (think, Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran) doesn't mean you should get your own tv show and end up in the news all the time. And Miley, just cause your dad's picture is in the dictionary under "one-hit wonder" and "mullet" doesn't mean that you can go bein all famous. And finally, Amy Winehouse. How did she get famous? Her daddy didn't even do anything. Except introduce her to crack. But she ain't goin to rehab.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Man 1, Sharks 12

On Sunday, 37 year-old Jason Cull was swimming with dolphins on Australia's south coast when he spotted a dark form moving towards him. At first, it appeared to be a dolphin. However, horror struck as Cull realized that this 16' beast was actually a Great White shark.

Cull described the moment, "I just remember being dragged backwards underwater. I felt along it, I found its eye and I poked it in the eye, and that's when it let go."

The shark ended up tearing two chunks of flesh from his leg, including half of his calf and left lacerations on his knee and and thigh. He is expected to make a full recovery. The shark, on the other hand, will be confined to wearing an eye patch for the rest of its life and will be subject to numerous, unfunny pirate jokes. When asked for comment the shark responded, "I'm a fuckin' shark - I can't fuckin' talk...jackass."

There have been 12 shark related deaths in Australia since 2000, including a 16 year old boy last month.

If you're ever attacked by a shark, you can take one of two approaches - the Cull method or the Loki method. The Cull method involves poking the shark's eye out, swimming to shore and surviving. The Loki method involves soiling yourself, crying like a 3 year old who just covered himself in honey and played pinata with a beehive, and then probably soiling yourself again. It's your call...

Fallon, Stop Laughing You're Not Funny

Jimmy Fallon will be taking over for Conan O’Brien on the Late Show. It isn’t so much that I hate Jimmy Fallon; I just want him to fail everything he ever attempts. I can’t picture Fallon doing a monologue well maybe a monologue but not a funny one. At least not one that viewers think is funny; obviously he will laugh through the whole thing.

Half of the humor and charm of the late night talk show host comes from their composure and delivery of their jokes. Fallon, known for breaking character and uncontrollable laughing, doesn’t seem like the kind of person you want hosting a talk show. Fallon is like a baby with keys being shaken in front of him. Yeah girls think he's cute but there is nothing going on upstairs. Oh, I think he just crapped his pants. Gross, well… at least he isn’t trying to act anymore.

Jimmy Fallon got his first big break while working on SNL. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, that show is still on the air. I haven’t seen it since 1998 but I guess someone must be watching it.

The saving grace is that Conan will take over for ChinMan on the Tonight Show rendering the Late Show useless. So let Fallon have it, at that time of night we might as well let Carson Daly have a show too.


Mortal Kombat Pussified

When I was in 4th grade there were three big things: Boyz 2 Men, Starter Jackets, and Mortal Kombat. Both Starter Jackets and Boyz 2 Men are dead but apparently Mortal Kombat continued to make games. I remember when Mortal Kombat came out. That game was the shit A,B,A,C,A,B,B.

They are currently on their 8th installment of the series. Is this news? Not really… However they are taking a new attempt at the game that was so loved and endeared. First they are adding characters from DC comics. So now you can have Scorpion fight Superman, Sub Zero vs. Batman. Sounds great right? Especially if Robin the boy wonder is in the game, I would love to kick the shit out of him. Well with the addition of the DC Comic heroes comes the partnership of DC and MK. DC are comics for children so they could not be apart of this deal without MK giving up some of its blood and violence.

Yes, you know where this is going. Mortal Kombat is eliminating fatalities. That’s right; they are getting rid of the one part of the game that differentiated them from other games. They are doing away with the one thing that basically built this franchise. You will no longer be able to rip a man’s head off and have his spine swinging in the wind. You will no longer be able to pull a man’s heart out and let it beat in your hand. Tearing a man’s arms off and beating him to death, gone.

Think about this from a business stand point. Would 711 get rid of the Slurpy? Would McDonalds stop selling French Fries? Would Lindsay Lohan quit drinking? NO!!! Why remove the thing that makes you different from the competition. Damn you.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Justice sweet justice.

Nick Hogan, 17, was given 8 months jail time, locked up… OZ style. He pled no contest to the charges that he was under the influence while drag racing in Miami. The racing ended up with him totaling his yellow supra and putting his best friend in a coma. Wow that sentence started out bad ass but then next one quickly got sad.

I have been writing way too much about celebrities going to jail and getting what they deserve and shit. So listen, I will do my best not to write about celebrities getting arrested if you keep reading my posts about celebrities getting arrested. OH a paradox. You clever clever reader you. Now it is a stand off. We are like cowboys/cowgirls at high noon.

R-Kelly trial is still set to begin. But still hasn't begun.

I’m not sure how many of our current readers have been around since the beginning. We actually created this June 2007 however we didn’t start posting about the news and celebs till early August 2007. The first post I ever wrote was about R-Kelly and how I couldn’t believe that he hasn’t been to trial yet for his child pornography charges. Post located

Since that post 9 months have passed, and what has happened in the trial?
Jury selection was set to start Friday in the long-delayed trial of one of urban music's biggest stars.

Grammy-winning R&B singer R. Kelly faces child pornography charges, prompted by a videotape allegedly showing him having sex with a girl as young as 13.
The trial has been delayed for six years and another delay was possible after defense attorneys filed a motion Wednesday seeking to postpone the trial again. Judge Vincent Gaughan could rule on that request Friday.

Are you kidding me? The girl who R-Kelly allegedly had sex with when she was 13 is now 23. That isn’t a joke. This happened over 10 years ago. What the hell is going on here?

Shit, R-Kelly, just get the trail over with man. If OJ is walking the streets you will have no problem with getting cleared of this. It will once again prove that color has everything to do with freedom. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, yellow or red as long as you have green you will be free.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Facebook 5.0!!

The social networking giant Facebook will be adding more than 40 new safeguards to protect its users from pedophiles/stalkers/losers and bullies. However, women (including minors) are still allowed to post scandalous pictures of themselves basically inviting creeps to try and contact them. Imagine if McDonald's came out with an ad for a new quadruple cheeseburger...but then the Surgeon General said it was too unhealthy and banned people from eating it (whatever...I teared up a bit after that sentence, don't judge me). Maybe if girls stopped acting like whores these 50 year old losers would realize how sad their lives are and commit suicide. Also, bullying is part of life. If your a dork can name all the planets in the Star Wars Galaxy you deserved to get made fun of. So far 49 states have agreed to the terms while Texas obviously was against it. When asked why Texas simply responded, "Remember the Alamo". I'm not quite sure what the means but all I know is...I'm scared...

D.M.X. in H.A.N.D.C.U.F.F.S.

DMX was arrested today for driving over 110 miles an hour in January. Yeah… how does that work? I thought that if you got home without a ticket… you weren’t speeding. But apparently Big Brother is stopping us from speeding now too. What next? I can’t pee in my front yard anymore? Where’s the line?

Anyway, DMX getting arrested isn’t the story. Big Brother taping him speeding and charging him 3 months later isn’t the story. The story is what the hell happened to DMX? He looks like he is 80 in this picture. Look at his neck, its thinner then a homeless mans budget for a new cardboard condo. The guy thinks he’s a dog, always barking in his music, looks more like Old Yeller. In the picture he looks more miserable then Michael Vick’s dogs (too soon? PETA give me a break on this one). Hold on I need to come up with one more dog joke… ahhhh. Shoot, I don’t think I have one.

Oh well, DMX you’re old take it easy for your great grandchildren’s sake.

Winehouse Arrested on Suspicion of Drug Possession.

WHAT!!! That is outrageous how can anyone suspect Amy Winehouse of having/taking drugs. What are they crazy? Are they stupid!?!? It’s obvious she is taking drugs, there should be no suspicion. What the hell is going on here? How did it take this long to finally arrest her? She spends 99% of her day in the public eye and she spends 99% of her day completely wasted on drugs. I am no mathematician but shit that is a lot of people seeing her on/using drugs.

I took drugs once. I thought it would be a good idea. Then my X-girlfriend and I got into a fight, she left me and I had to go to the hospital four hours later.

That was an amazing day!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

If I had a millions dollars, I would buy you a big house...

Yeah, that's a Bare Naked Ladies song. I hate them too. And there was that one song where the guy wouldn't stop singing really fast about drumsticks or something. I dono. Anyways, that's not the point.

The point is this:

This house pictured above will be completed in January 2009. It will cost an estimated $2 billion. In crazy terms, that's $2,000,000,000. The average income for most U.S. citizens is around $35,000. So it would only take a little over 57,000 Americans with an average salary to afford this place using all of their pre-tax yearly income. Either that, or if you could get about a 150,000-year mortgage, you could probably afford this place. This place has a 6-story parking garage, a lobby with 9 elevators, a ballroom (no, not a ball-pit room unfortunately) with crystal chandeliers covering 80% of the ceiling and silver stair cases, and crazy lounges and gyms that don't have the same materials on any of the 27 floors. Plus it's got a sweet view of the Arabian Sea (from India). To put this into even more perspective, consider that the second most expensive house in the world is only $70 million. So this one will be close to 30 times the price of number 2. To quote Magic Johnson "that's crazy".

Now if I had 2 billion to spend on a place, I'd make it much cooler. I would have my own movie theater (like these people do). I would also have an indoor football field, as well as indoor hockey rinks (with full scoreboards) both ice hockey and roller. I would also have a big ball-pit room, along with most of a replicated set of the first (and best) American Gladiators show. One day I would be hangin out in the ball pit, swimmin like it was Uncle Scrooge's money vault, and the next day I would be kickin it on the Eliminator. And I would totally have mazes and secret rooms. A nice big filming studio. Also, a paintball court (and laser tag). Um, a jello-wrestling pit (think vast). And finally, a room with every single Superfriend's toy in triplicate, so that I could break some of them when they got injured and film the whole thing stop-animation-like. Yeah. Real rich people are no fun.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

That’s a good change.

Ryan Reynolds is engaged again, but this time to a fellow human being. Ryan and Scarlett Johansson announced their engagement yesterday. Prompting E-online to write this gem:

“Ryan Reynolds has more than Scarlett fever—he has a Scarlett fiancĂ©e.”

Wow, great journalism.

Some of you might be scratching your head thinking, “Ryan Reynolds is engaged again. I didn’t know he was engaged a first time.” Well for those of you that were unaware or intentionally blocked it out of their minds, Ryan Reynolds was previously engaged to Alanis Morissette. "Youououououou oughta know" that (you see what I did there? I used a line from one of her songs as a statement to make you, the reader, laugh. However it wasn’t funny, but hey if it doesn’t stop E! it sure as hell won’t stop me).

How the hell do you go from Alanis to Scarlett? That is like me going from playing NBA Jam to playing in the NBA. It could happen but where am I going to put my Cheetos?

Monday, May 5, 2008

The Engagement Ring: Society’s Bane?

In today’s society, women relate the amount of money a man spends on her engagement ring to how much he loves her. Does that mean Kobe Bryant is able to love a woman more than I can because he has a fatter wallet? It might…run it by that young girl in Colorado and see what she has to say.

Women cannot wait for the day that they can finally flash that shiny rock on their newly weighted down left hand to their family and more importantly, their friends. From the second that rock is presented, the woman realizes that the ten years of secretly planning her dream wedding can be made public and she can finally become a princess for a day. Everybody’s eyes will finally all be focused on her. People will laugh, cry, and share fond memories of the past due to this joyous occasion.

Now the wedding is over. What’s left? A $50,000 wedding tab, some photographs, and a man that you have to spend the rest of your life waking up next to. To the women that read that last sentence and were happy or excited by this sentiment, this does not apply to you, but for the other 85% out there, it is a very real and very scary thought. Think about it. That ring isn’t worth two squirts of piss. That man you wake up next to every day is going to affect your life, your happiness, be there for your ups and have to hold you through your downs. Don’t equate that ring to love. Judge the man for the man. Not for a fucking stone.

Avril Cancels Tour

Avril Lavigne had to postpone some of the concerts on her latest tour due to Laryngitis. Now if only there was a way to keep her from ever doing a show again, a way that would make Avril stop recording music. If only I could come up with a plan so diabolical that it would make her disappear forever.

What? Huh? Kill Her? Whoa that sounds a little intense. I was talking about, making her listen to her own music so she hears what she is putting us through or maybe asking her politely to just knock it off.

Kill her… now that is just crazy…

Wait a minute… Who said that?!?!

Move Over Rover....and Let Jimmy Take Over (And possibly shoot a load in your eye??)

A sex tape featuring Jimi Hendrix (the greatest guitarist of all time!) is set to be released by the porn company Vivid Video. The only's not Jimi! Managers of the late Hendrix have released a statement saying that they believe firmly that it is not him. Well, I guess that's proof for me. Oh wait, you say you want more proof??? OK, fine here it is. An ex gf of Jimi (aka groupie) says that there's no way it could be Jimi in the video because "his face is too broad and nose and nostrils too wide". Look I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that every time this alleged gf had sex with Jimi...she was either tripping balls on acid, or flying around on LSD. Obviously she has no clue what Jimi actually looks like. Still want more proof?? OK here's my closing argument. In the video Jimi is making love to two women....seriously...this is Jimi Hendrix we are talking about, there's no way he way he would ever have sex with only two women at the same least four or five....maybe....

Heidi Montag is Smart

Heidi Montag showed her excitement and enthusiasm for horse racing at the Kentucky Derby this weekend. You know how you can tell she's really enjoying the race? She's looking through the wrong end of her binoculars. She was overheard saying, "Those horseys look like ants from up here!" They sure do, Heidi. They sure do.