Tuesday, May 27, 2008

E! Has Made You Even Dumber

The Institute of Mental Retardation has published a paper entitled "Why America is Becoming Retarded-er" and released it to the public today. One of the leading causes of mental retardation in America today is E!'s recent programming slate.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Why are the Kardashians famous? Bruce Jenner has not been relevant since 1976, when his Lou Ferrigno haircut was still in. Kim, the most famous cast member, gained notoriety by letting a not-famous black guy (with a famous sister) video tape their sexcapades. If we give a reality show to every girl that does a black guy, there would be a lot of fat white girls with completely irrelevant shows clogging up the airwaves faster than Johnny's arteries at the Rutgers Grease Trucks.

Snoop Dogg's Father Hood
Snoop is so high, he's actually proud of himself for knowing his kids' names AND their nicknames. Allegedly, the show is scripted and the house that they film in isn't even Snoop's. If I really wanted to watch a pussy that was afraid of needles, I'd give blood.

Living Lohan
So far, I have been unable to subject myself to this crapfest, but I'm pretty sure it goes, "Hi, I'm Dina Lohan and this is why I'm a great mother..." Meanwhile, she insists on mom-aging the younger, innocent Lohan, by which I mean she's going to drive this girl to the brink as well. At 21, Lindsay looks worse than Sydney Pollack, even in his current state. I know, too soon... Poor Ali is fucked. Between her mother, father, and sister, she has an ice cube's chance in hell of turning out even semi-normal. Godspeed, Ali. I'm hopin' for ya.

Denise Richards' It's Complicated
Again, I haven't seen it out of respect for my 12 remaining brain cells, but this guaranteed shit spectacle chronicles the life of Denise Richards, who is famous for 1) f'ing Charlie Sheen and 2) showing her tits in a threesome with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Why we would give a wet shit about her life is far beyond my comprehension.

Please America, shut off the TV, put down the remote and grab a book. I'm all for low-brow, but do we really have to sink THIS low?

1 comment:

Puck said...

oh man. i mean, i couldn't agree more (even though i find a post like this on a website basically devoted to the cult of personality a bit... unexpected).
here's my idea for a reality tv show: you take all producers, writers, crew, and cast members of all existing reality tv shows (and, for good measure, all those who have considered doing any of those things) and you put them on an island. then you send in the north korean army for a little "training weekend."

the goal? be the last one standing
the prize? a lifetime supply of the worst kind of drug (our government has plenty). this will have the fringe benefit that the single survivor of the "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Reality" will, at the least, be too debilitated to go on tv and, at best, kill themselves within a year
the results? upside: no more reality tv, and we start to whittle down the psychotic country that actually -has- WMDs. downside: ...?