Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Toilet Darwinism

I've read somewhere that men and women use the restroom differently (beyond the obvious sitdown and stand-up differences). When a man uses a public restroom, he often tries to use one on the end or in the corner. Sometimes when I walk into a restroom with 3 urinals, and each side is taken, I go and pee in a stall to avoid walking between the two other guys. It's weird thinking another man can see your junk, when he's prolly just peeing and thinkin to himself "gee, I really hope I don't accidentally see his junk". And this makes sense to me. This is the way it should be. Is it homophobia, or the fact that someone is expelling the nasty from their body in close proximity to you that a man will try and find a spot alone? Who cares.

But in the article I read, women do the opposite. Women tend to go straight to the middle of the stalls and take those (once again, this was some study I've read, so ladies, if I'm wrong, please let me know). And why is this? My first thought was that women crave attention, always trying to best one another, and maybe this was a king-of-the-hill game gone wild.

But as I thought about it (on the toilet no less) I remembered back to my sociology and anthropology classes back at the old university. And that's when it hit me. Are we using a modern form of Toilet Darwinism???

Darwin argued that the genetic aspects of a species will promulgate themselves based upon environmental factors by sticking around if the gene gives the animal a better shot of mating. (For all PESUP readers, whatever gets you laid or keeps you alive long enough to get laid will probably be around in thousands of years because you'll pass those genes on THROUGH getting laid whereas people that are fugly will not pass it on cause they can't get none).

These theories of genetics lead to the concept of Social Darwinism. Instead of genes, learned behaviors that help you get some will keep you around (i.e., shaving your beard, cause back in the ice age, if you didn't shave and your face got wet, you died an awful frozen death, thus no ability to have kids and teach them that beards are cool).

So what does this hafta do with the crapper? Men were hunters, women gatherers. When a man went out, he tried to hide in the bushes and be silent and sneak up on his victim. If he got caught droppin' a turd-bird by a sabretooth, he was eaten. A woman on the other hand was in a tribe or in a field picking fruit. If the sabretooth decided to attack the tribe, the safest place to be was between the tiger and EVERYONE ELSE in the village. Let's face it, tigers are hungry, but they're no fatties, so after a few ladies on the outskirts of teepee village, they would leave you alone. So my crackpot theory? Men take dumps on the side and women take dumps in the middle cause at the end of the day, it's just plain safer.

So next time you're in the restroom, just please, think of the tigers.

No comments: