Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Music's 5 Biggest Hoes

Since the 1970s, music has been associated with sex, drugs and rock n roll. Since I'm tone deaf and not into drugs, I can only address the former subject. Submitted for your consideration, I present to you the 5 Biggest Hoes in Music:

5. Shadiest Past

Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones is notorious for her raunchy lyrics, hardcore attitude and her provocative dress style. Kim has taken the number 5 slot on this list for her past as a teenage runaway and alleged former prostitute. In other words, she is a hoe. Fo' sho! Plus, rumor has it that you can get herpes just by listening to her lyrics.

4. Lyrics

It may seem difficult to snatch the dirtiest song out of the air (haha, snatch...), but I had no trouble doing it. There were some close runner-ups like Akinyele's 1996 smash hit Put it in Your Mouth and Lil' Kim's How Many Licks, but Khia's 2002 top 100 song, My Neck, My Back coasted in to take the top spot. There's nothing classier than a hook like "My neck, my back / Lick my pussy / And my crack". A club banger promoting analingus. Folks, we have ourselves winner!

3. By Volume

In his 2001 tell all, Kiss and Make-up, Kiss front man, Gene Simmons, claimed to have had sex with 4,600 women. Now extrapolate that by another 7 years and you end up with something like 36,000. I dunno, I'm not a math guy. Out of the 4,600 women he slept with, one in particular stands out. His live-in girlfriend, Shannon Tweed, was the 80's / early 90's biggest soft core porn icon, and is still doable in her 50's. Shannon, if you're reading - call me!

2. Confirmed Kills

What Gene Simmons has in speculation, Jennifer Lopez has in confirmed kills. I can only name one woman that Gene Simmons banged, but J Lo has been stuck by: Chris Paciello ('94), Wesley Snipes ('94 - '95), David Cruz ('95 - '96), Ojani Noa ('96 - '98), Joaquin Cortez ('98), P Diddy ('98 - '01), Chris Judd ('01 - '03), Ben Affleck ('02 - '04), Paul Hunter ('02), and Marc Antony ('04 - present). That's ten. This list is as of '94, when she was Jenny, a 25 year old girl from the block. Lord knows she had to have made her way around it a few times before '94.

1. The Biggest Overall Hoe
How do you top a former prostitute and a man that claims to have been with almost 5,000 women? Simon and Garfunkel's Cecilia found a way. "I got up to wash my face / When I've come back to bed some one's taken my place". Wow...it takes what? 2 minutes to wash your face and there's already another dude at it. What do you do at that point? I suggest making yourself a lobster dinner. And dunking your junk into the boiling water along with the lobster to disinfect whatever disease you most likely just ended up getting. Disclaimer: if you're dumb enough to stick your package in boiling water, you deserve what you get. You also probably shouldn't eat the lobster at that point...

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