Happy Bastille Day (actually, yesterday)

The large metal penis worshipped by the French.


Leave it to the God damn French to have their national sign of independence as a military prison. I guess that's what happens when your country sucks. When I think of the 4th of July, I think of things that explode: fireworks, hot dogs (on the way out), and big boobs exploding out of tiny bikini tops. And that's why America is awesome. Now, when I think of a "Bastille", I think of a bunch of french guys dressed in those fucking black and white striped shirts with the red beret, all pulling a train on each other while nibbling on baguettes.

You know why the French hate us? They're jealous. We have better health care, and we don't smell. Foreigners smell. They're all jealous of us. Scented soaps and shampoo, bam, America. Dirt and toilet-looking-thingies that shoot streams of high-pressured water up your butthole cause you're too lazy to take a shower every day (Johnny McNugget). Yup, Europe. Especially those dirty-ass French.

I have an experiment for you. Go to Google. Type in "french military victories" in the search engine, and click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Now, the I'm feeling lucky button brings you to the first search item in a normal search. And what my friends do you get? "No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found. Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents." And it also asks you: Did you mean: french military defeats. Losers.