Just do me a favor and read the title with a "Groundskeeper Willie" voice in your head. It will please me.
ST. PAUL, Minn. - Minnesota wildlife officials tried for six days to capture a bear that had a plastic jar stuck over its head, but ended up killing the animal after it wandered into a city during a festival.
When I first read this, I was all like "man, six days and they couldn't even catch a bear!" But then I re-read where this was. And remember, the entire Mid-West is autistic. But what a way to go. One minute you're lookin' for some sweet honey, and the next, you're dead with a jar on your head.
Now, bears don't have eulogies, but if this one did, it would go a little something like this:
He was a good bear. A god-fearing bear. But as with most bears, he shared an inherent weakness in honey. Every day he would wake up and say "I'm done, I'm going cold-turkey." But his friends and family knew that by the fall of night, he'd be down on his knees in front of Eeyore for a hit of that amber delight. We all thought eventually, the hunger would take him. But we did not think it would be this soon. He is survived by his partner, Tigger, the imaginary hopping tiger, and his adoptive son, Piglet.
But I'm ok with Pooh Bear. I'm all about cartoons that teach children that bears are friendly, and to approach them as Christopher Robin did: with something they love to eat, and no reservations. If only people would just realize, bears aren't the problem; it's the Iranians.