Sunday, June 1, 2008

"Trapped in the Closet" PESU Review

Well I thought it would be a good idea to keep a running log of my thoughts while watching the video. I also thought it would be a good idea if, while watching the video, i keep a bottle of Jack Daniels next to me. I thought that “Trapped in the Closet” was 30 minutes long and how drunk could I really get??? Well I don’t know exactly how long it is but it is definitely over an hour and I can get really drunk in an hour.

Overall it was one of the funniest things I had ever watched in my life. The idea is basically everyone is cheating on everyone. Every time someone gets caught they are either hiding in a closet or in a pantry or some kind of room-separated storage area. Shit somebody better check the shed outside, who knows who is hiding out there. There are a ton of guns pulled and apparently a lack of fear for jail time. In the twenty two chapters (yes I sat through 22 chapters of this shit) I would say R Kelly pulled his gun on about 8 people.

I really don’t know how to break this down without taking up 15 pages so I figure I will just share with you one of my favorite lines and then some of my favorite scenes.

So in one scene R. Kelly’s brother in-law wants to smoke a joint in his car. Wow shocking stuff there, but here is the interaction:

Sylvester said "Hold up, man wut chu doin?"
And then Twan says "Man wut chu mean?"
Then Sylvester says "Man is that a cigarette?
Twan said "Man naw this sum weed"
Sylvester pulled over sayin "Aww hell naw, n*** what the f***, you forget where we are?"
Twan said "One for the road?"
Sylvester says "You crazier than a fish with tities
If you think I'm ma let you smoke that sh** up in my car.
Now throw that sh** out"

Yup… you must be crazier than a fish with tities… I thought that was so good that it won my favorite line. However that wasn’t the only line that I thought you should hear. The next best line was during my favorite scene, scene 10. Now I tried to write this a million ways but after I looked at the way wikipedia described it, in its matter a fact, just reporting the news kinda way, I figured that doing anything else to it wouldn’t do the scene justice.

Let me set it up for you and then I will let wikipedia do the rest. A man, James, gets home to find is fat southern white wife (Bridget) is cheating on him. James suspects that the man she has been cheating on him with is still in the house, so the first place he checks is of course the closet. However this time the jeeper is too smart to hide in the closet. Then James becomes infuriated and starts yelling when he hears a noise from the pantry under the sink… He opens the door and out jumps, yup you guessed it, A MIDGET! Wikipedia, take it away:
“The midget jumps out of the cabinet and fights with James who has the clear upper hand. The midget runs under the table. Bridget runs upstairs and searches her purse for a phone number. James demands the midget tell him what he was doing in James' house. The midget wipes cherry pie crust crumbs off his face and responds that he was paid not to tell. James points his gun directly at the midget who admits that he has just "shitted on himself". Back at Sylvester's house, he, Twan, and Gwen are enjoying themselves and playing cards, despite the fact that Twan was shot in the shoulder only minutes ago, when the phone rings. Gwen answers it. It's Bridget, panicked, who found Gwen's number in James' pocket. Gwen gives Sylvester the address, presumably to go over and stop the fight. Back at James' house, James and the midget are still fighting when Bridget bursts into the kitchen with a double barrelled shotgun, James draws his pistol, the midget pulls out his inhaler. Suddenly, Twan and Sylvester burst in with guns drawn to defuse the scene and notice a peculiar odor coming from the midget's pants. The midget then faints because of all the madness.”
Ending "cliffhanger-outro" line: "ohhh while Twan and Sylvester are sniffin' around, tryin' to figure out, 'What's that smell?' As they turn and look at each other like, 'What the hell?'..."

Yup, a midget. Not only is he a midget but for the first two scenes he is in they call him midget. Can someone tell me why the midget was wiping pie crust off of his face? I watched the fucking thing and I have not clue. Is pie crust some Ebonics word that I don’t know about.

Which leads me to the second best line of the Hip Hopera, the midget says ''god I think I just shit’d on myself''. Then R. Kelly and someone else walk in the room (guns drawn of course) and then they look around and go, “What’s that smell?” Unbelievable well drawn out. It is as if God handed down the Bible as his one true book and then decided to hand down his one true music video and gave it to R. Kelly.

I could have fun with this all day. The main point is that there are about 10 main characters and through out the opera they all have sex with two other people of the group. The whole time everyone is angry and yelling. They are fighting and threaten each other lives. Then out of the blue someone mentions that one of them has “the package.” When I first heard it I was unaware of what it meant. Then with the final episode I figured it out. The package is a slang word for HIV. Yup, it ends with everyone getting AIDS.

Every main character gets AIDS. THE END.

Cinematic Genius.

Well I hope I did a good job with this and basically hope I never have to watch this crap again but I am posting scene 10 because it is honestly hysterical. Def watch it.


Sarah said...

awesome. just...awesome.

i've also never been so sad to not have internet at home. i'm pretty sure i can't watch that video while at the office...

Puck said...

"and they turn and look at each other like
...whaaaat theee heeeeeeelll"

wow. just... wow. i remember writing a song for a project in freshman (HS) english, and all i did was write rhyming couplets and put it to this 3-chord ascending and descending tune... yeah, that had more melodic and lyric prowess than this rap opera.
i'm sorry you had to go through that, Murdoch.