Friday, June 13, 2008

In the war to come...

The way I see it, Hollywood is setting up for the final war, the end of days, the Stand, if you please. There are two sides and players, the battle for good and evil will throw down in the near future.

On one side, the scientologists, led by Tom Cruise. Tom has assembled a crackpot team of used-to-be's such as John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley, Isaac Hayes, Katie Holmes, and that chick from Dharma and Greg.

On the other side, none other than Mel freakin' Gibson. Now, Mel's side has some catching up to do, because he doesn't have any snazzy cults or Razzie winning films like Battlefield Earth to support his cause. Well, I guess he has Apocalypto, The Passion of the Christ, and Mad Max. So technically, on Mel's side is Jim Caviezel, Tina Turner, Danny Glover, and Joe Pesci. And now Mel is trying to persuade Britney Spears to join his fight against the Army of Dianetics. The two have been spotted together on many occasions, including Ms. Spears accompanying Mr. Gibson to his private island.

Why, you ask? Well, simple. It's a well known fact that Scientologists are against psychiatrists and medication. And what can do more damage to your cause than an un-medicated, not in therapy, Britney Spears. She could tear the whole thing down in one fell swoop. I mean, Britney injured her near-infant son during one of her crazy spells, so what's to stop her from going on a rampage and activating beast mode on tiny Tom Cruise?

I picture it like this. Jim Caviezel is all like "I'm Jesus, I'm Jesus" and takes down tiny Tom with a knee to the face (Tom is tiny after all). Then fat actress Kirstie Alley goes into a Dianetic trance, and pictures Tina Turner as a box of Jenny Craig chocolate cake. Tina, used to being beat on by Ike sees that her demise is near and screams out while rollin' down Kirstie Alley's gullet. Isaac Hayes threatens to make love to Glover's mama down by the fire, and Glover pops a cap in Hayes' face, all the time muttering "damnit Riggs". Lisa Marie Presley and that chick from Dharma and Greg get into an annoy-off with Pesci, and all three of them end up jumping off of a bridge to save their ears from the crap that is coming out of their mouths.

But just then, we find that it's all a trap set up by Travolta in a fat woman's suit (so he's in Hairspray as the fat wife of Chris Walken, he's not gay) and Mel is captured. Jim Caviezel sacrafices himself and Danny Glover makes love, not war, with fatty Alley, runnin off into the sunset while laughin to himself "yeah, yeah, haha, yeah, she's got junk in the trunk, yeah". Tom Cruise, Travolta, and Queen Katie Holmes now have Gibson right where they want him. They chain him to a cross and whip him as Gibson blames the Jews for being trapped there. And as Gibson mutters his last words (probably in Latin), Britney Spears busts through the door. The Scientologists realize that Mel was dripping a trail of booze and pain-killers and now they meet their doom. Britney claws out Katie's eyes while ripping her clothes off and saying "y'all" a lot. Then she sits on Cruise and he explodes. Finally, Britney takes off her top as Travolta runs out of the room screaming "Oh no! I'm not up-to-date with my Cootie shots!". A fat, half-naked, blood-soaked Britney walks away, headed to her car to go buy a shake at Sonic, because she is the one person who actually knows where one is located. And the world ends.

See, this might sound like the rant of a madman to you. But 1) it's bound to happen with those freaks in Hollywood. And 2) at least it's a better movie plot than anything any of those guys have acted in the last 10 years.

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