Take it Easy, Moneybags

Hey there, big spender. I see you've been doing some shopping lately. I got this little tidbit from a lil' birdie (also known as the Government Accountability Office). It looks like you've flipped the bill for $1,100 worth of internet dating, $77,000 worth of clothing and fashion accessories, a $13,500 dinner, $360 worth of lingerie, oh, and lest we forget that $2,000,000 you blew on electronic equipment.

Don't worry, though. Even though that pink teddy you bought would match your pink pumps perfectly, you'll never get to see it or any of the other items you've spent your hard earned cash on - see, you've selflessly donated it to your kind, half-retarded Uncle (Sam), and his employees were kind enough to spend it for you. As per a government audit, whose findings were released Wednesday, the most flagrant violations of the government issued purchase card were:

1. $2,000,000 worth of electronics (including iPods, digital cameras, laptops & PCs) have gone unaccounted for.

2. A series of 180 credit card linked checks totalling $642,000 from a government employee to a co-habitating individual with a joint bank account.

3. Four Dept. of Defense employees spent a staggering $77,000 on clothing and accessories at Brooks Brothers, Talbots, and Johnston & Murphy (they're allowed $860 per person per year for civilian attire - I'm pissed about that perk too if you were wondering).

4. A $13,500 dinner at Ruth's Chris by US Postal Employees (including a $3,000 bar tab).

5. A Post Master who charged $1,100 to 2 internet dating sites and used his work computer to access wank material.

Let me start by saying that a $13,500 dinner better include Jessica Alba's breast milk and I'd better be drinking that shit straight from the tap! And really, how horrible do you have to look to need to spend $1,100 on internet dating? I could get Rocky Dennis laid for less than that, unless he requests the services of Ashley Alexandra Dupre - that bitch is expensive!!

My favorite item on this list was the $360 spent on women's underwear and lingerie to be worn during jungle training by trainees of a drug enforcement program in Ecuador. Oh, J. Edgar, you sly fox...and I thought you retired. Or died...

Those of you seeking some sort of justice can take mild solace in knowing that the Post Master had to repay the $1,100 and was removed from his post and that the embezzling employee owes $642,000 in restitution and was sentenced to 21 months in prison.

That is mild at best considering the most shocking revelation of the study: nearly half of the 2006 purchase card transactions were improper. Man, I'm so happy to be paying taxes!! Fuck you, Sam.