Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Advice from the Sexperts part III

Last we met, Flopsweat was learning the art of seduction. In this final installment of Advice from the Sexperts, we teach him the ins and outs of sex. You'll also learn whether or not Flopsweat was able to land this girl. How could he not, right?

L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step
FS: I know what I would do
FS: but I don’t know how to explain it
L&MB: you have NO IDEA what to do with it?
FS: massage lips I guess u could say
L&MB: no.
L&MB: incorrect.
FS: ok
FS: then what yoda?
FS: don’t tell me u do that chicken peck shit…
FS: kiss her once
FS: separate
FS: look at her now do-si-do and promenade!
FS: then go back for me
FS: more*
L&MB: what is this separating nonsense?
FS: ok…do u suck on her lip?
L&MB: yes
FS: ok…that’s what I was trying to say before…couldn’t explain it til I pictured it
L&MB: you also have to use your teeth gently
FS: knaw
FS: ok
L&MB: then, slowly move down to her cheek bone
L&MB: and then start kissing her neck
L&MB: make sure to use your tongue A LOT
FS: umm…
FS: on her neck?
L&MB: yes.
FS: y?
L&MB: which part don’t you get?
FS: y?
L&MB: do you know anything about girls?
FS: I don’t know y girls like guys to suck on their necks and give hickies too…what’s the appeal in that?
FS: except it’s a badge of possession
L&MB: basically, by kissing her neck, she gets a lot of feeling in the neck, which sends little tingles of sensation down to the vagina, causing her to get wet
FS: ok…but y the tongue?
FS: u don’t lick her…
L&MB: does she have any birthmarks on her cheek or neck?
FS: jesus christ…do I have to draw schematics?
L&MB: yes
L&MB: how much does this girl weigh?
L&MB: and if you don’t know, ask her
FS: not much y?
L&MB: just asking
FS: maybe 115 or so…
FS: maybe more…not much more though
L&MB: how tall is she?
FS: 5’4” or so
FS: maybe a little shorter
L&MB: you don’t have to do any bending
FS: ok…are we done now?
L&MB: when you’re giving her a hickey, massage that spot on her neck that you are sucking on with your tongue
L&MB: absolutely not
L&MB: do you want to get this right or not?
FS: yes
FS: but do I just keep sucking on her neck? It seems so stupid
FS: I might like it when I try it…
L&MB: it is stupid, but girls love it
FS: ok
L&MB: besides, it’s a mark to show your affection for her to everyone
FS: lol
FS: I know
FS: my badge of possession
L&MB: where are your hands now?
FS: on her ass
L&MB: ok. Good.
FS: lol
FS: I am not that stupid
FS: or naïve rather
FS: I should sya oh sweet irony…you can’t make this shit up
FS: say*
L&MB: then you start moving your hand slowly up her side to _____?
FS: her breast
L&MB: where is the other hand during this time?
FS: on her ass or on her waist area
FS: or back
FS: back waist compromise
FS: lol
L&MB: and what does this other hand do after you’ve reached the left breast?
FS well…the one on the breast massages around the nipple…the other one can massage her ass or go down…
FS: any objections so far?
FS: ok
L&MB: very very incorrect
L&MB: you just failed
FS: then what?
FS: stop playing quizmaster and fuckin tell me
FS: I gotta sleep…class at 7:30
L&MB: don’t massage her ass, she’s not a gay man
FS: grab it then
FS: I don’t know
L&MB: move that hand that was on her ass to the back of her head
FS: ok
L&MB: smell her hair and make noise when you do it
L&MB: then compliment how her hair smells
L&MB: are you writing this down?
FS: I got it
FS: keep going
L&MB: tell me what you think is next
FS: nibble on her ear
L&MB: you’re a natural
L&MB: and then?
FS: whisper sweet nothings into it
FS: lol
L&MB: what’re you gonna say?
FS: damn yo fine lifted from any Spike Lee, Wayans brothers or Tyler Perry flick
FS: lol
L&MB: seriously…
FS: I could eat a peach for hours lifted from Face/Off; G-d I hate him…
L&MB: why am I wasting my time if you’re not gonna take this seriously
FS: ok ok
FS: I tell her how silky her skin is
L&MB: no. try again
FS: ok
FS: u just gotta do her in the butt Lifted from The Ladies Man
FS: I don’t know…
L&MB: so if this was real life, you would just stop?
FS: no
L&MB: well…
FS: ask her to suck my dick
FS: no
FS: tell her… Real suave, Flopsweat…
L&MB: tell her what?
FS: to suck my dick
L&MB: you can’t just take 20 minutes to decide
FS: jk
FS: tell her to model for me nude lifted from True Lies
L&MB: Flopsweat, I’m fucking serious. Why am I wasting my fucking time?
FS: what the hell do you want me to say?
L&MB: at this point it has to come from the heart
L&MB: and what does your heart say?
L&MB: you are like a massage on my soul does this come with happy ending?
FS: you complete me like I even have to say it…lifted from Jerry Maguire
FS: how much more do I have to say?
FS: is there a quota?
L&MB: minus the second line
FS: ok
L&MB: the first line is good
FS: ok


I know what you’re thinking: how well could this story POSSIBLY end? Well, Flopsweat is getting married this summer and we are both in the wedding party. Obviously not to the girl from this conversation - that turned into a disaster. Send in your questions to “Advice from the Sexperts” by commenting on this article or email us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com. If we could get this red assed baboon laid, maybe you have a chance after all...

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