Friday, April 18, 2008

Advice from the Sexperts

We at PESU believe in giving back to the community. That is why in 2000, as part of our probation's terms, Book and I adopted a set of doughy, dopey 18 year old twins; one wit the gift of always being able to say the wrong thing at the wrong time; the other cursed with compulsively quoting movies out of context. Book and I set out on an epic journey as the sherpas (but not as smelly) that would get these unfortunate travelers laid.

Through merciless negative reinforcement and gentle encouragement (i.e. verbal abuse), Twin #1 (herein Jonas) lost 50 lbs., learned to hold back most of his retarded comments (don’t get me wrong, he still flung a barrage of verbal feces, but at least it was controlled), and trimmed his grandma quaff. Eventually, Jonas met a Grinch look-alike that allowed him the pleasure of penetration. He has gone on to have sex with other, much better looking women. He even once said something funny. Honest!

Twin #2’s (herein Flopsweat) journey was a bit tougher. Unfortunately for him, he came to us asking for advice on how to get a girl and what to do with her once she seemed interested.

Below is part 1 of 3 of our conversation with Flopsweat where we share our worldly knowledge and keen insight into the female mind. This conversation has not been taken out of context or manipulated. The names in this story have not been changed.

Did our advice end up getting Flopsweat laid? Was he finally able to successfully charge up Mount Vagina, get through the Jeans Guardsmen and past the Panty Defense? Stay tuned for the exciting saga from your pals at PESU.

Liner notes are in italics

Loki & Mr. Book: so why are you scared shitless of opening up to this girl?
L&MB: don’t you think that if you REALLY liked her, that you’d be comfortable around her?
L&MB: that’s how I am
Flopsweat: because a) I haven’t done that in a while done what? Spoken to a single woman? b) I am comfortable…but it is more a matter of not knowing what to say
L&MB: girls hate it when guys are uncomfortable
L&MB: Flopsweat, ya gotta tell her how ya feel
L&MB: grab her hand
L&MB: turn her around
L&MB: and say “I really want you”
L&MB: and then start kissing her
FS: did you ever do that?
L&MB: of course
FS: and it worked?
L&MB: so, when you gonna tell that girl?
L&MB: ya gotta tell her soon man
FS: I know
L&MB: like tonight
L&MB: or tomorrow
L&MB: do it tomorrow
L&MB: if she don’t like ya, at least you’ll have me and [Loki] there
L&MB: so, what’re you gonna say?
L&MB: test run…
FS: ok
FS: ……………
L&MB: you’re a natural
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re a glib motherfucker, uncle Flopsweat
L&MB: listen…
FS: the longer I wait…the harder it is for me to tell you how wonderful you are
L&MB: are you comin on to me you goofy fuck? By our reaction he could tell he was barking up the wrong tree and changed his tune
FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…

To get advice from your local PESU Sexperts, leave us a comment on this post or you can email us at

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