Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Porn is Expensive


Just last week, a Chinese art collector shelled out $91,000 for a topless photo of French President Nikolas Sarkozy's wife, Carla Bruni. This week, as Mr. Murdoch mentioned earlier, a New Yorker purchased a risque Marilyn Monroe video for a mind blowing (get it?) $1,500,000. This 15 minute video, the original celebrity sex tape (take that Pam and Tommy!), shows a fully clothed Marilyn Monroe slobbing the knob of an unidentified gentleman caller, whose head remains out of frame for the entire duration of the video.

More interesting is that the FBI has had a copy of the sex tape for years. J. Edgar Hoover, the Director of the FBI at the time, was apparently obsessed with this video, as he was convinced that the unidentified organ belonged to none other than JFK. He had a team of 9 analyze this video full time for two weeks. He even brought in prostitutes that had allegedly serviced Massachusetts' favorite splatter-brained son to identify the black and white dong (and you thought you were original, Porky's).

In the spirit of "One Night in Paris" and the far more disturbing "One Night in Chyna", I've attempted to come up with a clever name for the Marilyn Monroe blowjob video. "One Night in Marilyn's Mouth" seemed to be too exaggerated for a 15 minute video. Also, I've never heard of a locale called "Marilyn's Mouth". Thus far, I've got "Some Like it Slobbed" and "The Seven Year Itch". Leave a comment with your more clever titles. I'd love to hear them.

Here's what I learned today:

The good - The FBI has sex tapes. If I had known this in college, I would have seriously reconsidered my major and applied to the Federal Bureau of Porn. Sigh...

The bad - The original hoe gave average at best blowjobs. I figured that Marilyn would be able to suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch in under 7 flat. But 15 minutes...I'm disappointed.

The ugly - J. Edgar Hoover was obsessed with JFK's hog. Keep that image in your head before you go to bed. Or when you're trying to buy yourself another 10 minutes. But knowing you, cowboy, that wouldn't work, would it?

1 comment:

Kramer said...

im watching the Rangers win game 4! And it makes me want to watch monroe slob someone's nob!