Thursday, April 3, 2008

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.

- You are not allowed to touch a wall.

- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."

- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.

- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.

- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

1) I think my technique would be to trip up as many kids as possible at a time, and then stomp their heads in with my feet. I feel like you should try to use your upper body as little as possible to avoid fatigue and injury (punching skulls can injure your hand). I would worry very much about a bunch of them surrounding me and suffocating me to the point where I didn't have the necessary room to get off a decent kick, and they lads would be too stacked to push over. I think you guys are aiming a bit too high, simply because I believe that stomping skulls, no matter how tiny, can get exhausting. Therefore, my estimate comes in at a more reasonable 50 bludgeoned tots. Also, would it be advisable/efficient, to hoist a kid over your head and hurl him in a crowd, and then follow up with a stomping party? Not only would that technique be pretty bad ass, I think it would provide a substantial morale boost for me, the hurler.

2) As the shortest in the group I have certain fears that you guys might not. I would be afraid of the "drag down effect." This would be one kid jumping on my back and before I am able to toss him he would be grabbed by other 5 year olds eventually creating enough pull to drag me down.

Once on the ground I would expect stomping and unless I have the power to get up after the drag… Well… that could be it for me. However I think the size of the room would help me. I would like to think I am much quicker then the 5 year olds and if I can get up enough speed I would be able to throw non-stop flying knees, which would destroy a kid in one blow. For this reason I would like to pick enough kids to fill up half the court this way there is enough room for me to move around and use my god given ability (thanks God I owe you one). So I am going to go for 90-100. I think they could fit easily in ½ of the court so spread out could cause the separation I need to be successful. The only thing that worries me is the fact that I am the most out of shape I have ever been and that me slowing down because of fatigued could resolute in the "drag down effect."

3) I could easily destroy 100+ five year olds at once. My logic is simple, at any given point I would only have approximately 12-14 pairs of tiny fists and feet striking me at once, causing minimal bruising / tickling sensations. I also doubt that five year olds are smart enough to come together in a concerted effort aiming to take me down by, for instance, standing on each other's shoulders to form one giant five year old capable of producing an impressive wallop. With each spinning roundhouse kick I threw, I estimate I would knock out between six and ten children, depending upon where my massive size 13 foot struck their fragile bodies.

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