Monday, April 21, 2008

Advice from the Sexperts part II

Last we met, Mr. Book and I were teaching Flopsweat how the female mind works. In part 2 of 3 below, we impart our wisdom of what to say and do to win a lady over. Finally, in part 3, we will address the physical mechanics of hooking up.

FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…
FS: but there isn’t such a thing as the perfect time
FS: but it didn’t come
FS: the perfect time didn’t come yet because I didn’t tell you how I feel
FS: the perfect time is that which is spend with you
FS: you are wonderful and I can’t wait to tell you how I feel
FS: I couldn’t wait for the perfect time to come along
FS: I had to make it come along myself
FS: too ich
FS: i know
FS: I am trying to be romantic…but due to my lack of experience
FS: it wouldn’t work
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you suck at it
FS: yea…cause I don’t have practice No, you don’t have common sense
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you read too many trashy romance novels
FS: nah…I don’t read that crap
L&MB: yeah, but apparently you write it
FS: lol
FS: I could…
FS: hehe
L&MB: ok Danielle Steele
L&MB: you hafta compliment her
L&MB: have you ever read poetry?
L&MB: you were complimenting time
L&MB: not her
FS: I know…but when compliment ppl I think it’s suckin up…so I suck at compliments I think he means “I suck at life”
L&MB: write her a haiku
FS: lol
FS: she is jewish…not Japanese
L&MB: I’m not kidding, chicks dig that
L&MB: write it in Hebrew then
FS: she probably isn’t that fluent
FS: neither am I He has a keen ear for sarcasm
L&MB: you have to write her something romantic
L&MB: reading something romantic that you wrote to a girl gets them all wet
L&MB: and you have to seal the deal with a kiss
L&MB: why aren’t you telling her now?
FS: wtf am I gonna tell her?
L&MB: you gotta tell her soon before she looks for a better guy
L&MB: what color are her eyes?
FS: not sure
L&MB: how much do you like her again?
FS: I mostly look at her lips
FS: hehe
L&MB: what color are they?
L&MB: not black gentleman lips, eh?
FS: pink
FS: lol
FS: no black gentleman lips
L&MB: tell her “I’m not gonna beat around in your bush. I like you.”
FS: lol
L&MB: or “you have the most beautiful lips…every time I see them, I wanna kiss you”
L&MB: you have to kiss her. You have no other options
L&MB: but make sure you don’t get aroused when you do it
FS: what am I gonna do? Skull fuck her?
FS: not right away anyway…
L&MB: what…
L&MB: tell her that
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved enough to skull fuck
FS: no feed me a stray cat lifted from American Psycho
FS: I mean pussy
L&MB: oh my G-d, sweet poetry…
FS: lol
L&MB: say “oh cupid, hath thy struck me with thy sweet searing arrow?”
FS: I am not gay
FS: lol
L&MB: um…
L&MB: that’s debatable
FS: suck my balls lifted from the South Park movie
L&MB: see…
FS: lol
L&MB: anyway…
L&MB: what’s this lass’s name?
FS: Rachel
L&MB: does she have sideburns?
L&MB: your silence says it all
FS: no
FS: and no
L&MB: oh, and before you do it
L&MB: don’t shave for a day or two
FS: y?
L&MB: you look more serious that way
FS: should I wait til tomorrow then?
L&MB: sure
L&MB: you’ve got the personality thing goin for ya, all ya need is the rough and tumble look more lies…
L&MB: so run your plan by me
L&MB: a good one this time
FS: well…when I see her tomorrow…I will go talk to her…and compliment her on little things…
L&MB: like what?
L&MB: tell her she’s got a killer body
FS: like her smile
L&MB: she goes to upenn
L&MB: she’s gotta know she’s smart
L&MB: smart girls love to think they’re attractive
FS: I am sure all girls would
L&MB: tell her that she’s all you’ve ever looked for in a woman
L&MB: and after you talk to her and compliment her, what’re you gonna do
FS: I will have to get close enough to initiate contact…doesn’t have to be on lips at first…is he trying to land a date…or a plane?
FS: could be by grabbing her hand
FS: or something
L&MB: just make sure that when you close in, you don’t kiss her on the nose or something retarded
FS: yea
L&MB: ya gotta get accurate precision on that shit
FS: I know
L&MB: if you miss that could fuck you up
FS: the hardest part for me would be drawing closer
L&MB: it’s A LOT harder than it looks
L&MB: plus, ya kiss her on the nose, she might think you’re some kinda pervert
FS: I am not thinking about that…thinking about what I am trying to do here
L&MB: and also, make sure you tilt your head enough where you don’t bump noses
FS: I know…I also kinda have to bend down a bit
FS: she is shorter than me
L&MB: but not enough so that it looks like you’re gonna crack your neck
L&MB: and you know how to kiss, right?
FS: choose a lip or let her choose one
L&MB: what about tongue?
FS: not sure when to start using it…I guess if she opens her mouth a bit
FS: so do i
L&MB: do you kiss her before or after you tell her you like her?
FS: y wouldn’t I kiss her after?
L&MB: just wondering
L&MB: sometimes it’s better before
L&MB: if she’s that type of girl, you know?
FS: what constitutes that “type of girl”
L&MB: well if she’s fun and shit, or if she’s conservative and smart and shit
L&MB: ya know?
FS: then after wards
L&MB: huh?
L&MB: which one is she?
FS: she is more conservative than fun…but fun also she sounds about as fun as genital herpes
L&MB: oh, so she’s uptight?
FS: nah
FS: she is laid back
FS: but not on her back
L&MB: tell her that one
L&MB: you should already know what kinda girl she is
FS: that she is laid back but not on her back
L&MB: it was a joke. relax.
FS: lol
FS: I am tired dude…can we take quiz tomorrow
FS: lol
L&MB: no
L&MB: um, just as long as you don’t try to kiss me
L&MB: cause I think you’d suck at it
FS: lol
FS: shut up [Mr. Book]
L&MB: just kidding
L&MB: you’ll do fine man
L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion. We will also reveal whether or not Flopsweat got the girl (or any girl for that matter). Be sure to post your sex/relationship questions by commenting below or emailing us at

Mr. Book is a relationship expert, having helped several couples emerge out of the depths of dark and callous relationships and blossom into loving, functional relationships. Loki is a sex expert, having helped several couples explore new things in the bedroom, open up sexually, and explore their wildest fantasies. Also, he's been to every porn site in existence.

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