Advice from the Sexperts part II

Last we met, Mr. Book and I were teaching Flopsweat how the female mind works. In part 2 of 3 below, we impart our wisdom of what to say and do to win a lady over. Finally, in part 3, we will address the physical mechanics of hooking up.

FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…
FS: but there isn’t such a thing as the perfect time
FS: but it didn’t come
FS: the perfect time didn’t come yet because I didn’t tell you how I feel
FS: the perfect time is that which is spend with you
FS: you are wonderful and I can’t wait to tell you how I feel
FS: I couldn’t wait for the perfect time to come along
FS: I had to make it come along myself
FS: too ich
FS: i know
L&MB: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING
FS: I am trying to be romantic…but due to my lack of experience
FS: it wouldn’t work
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you suck at it
FS: yea…cause I don’t have practice No, you don’t have common sense
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you read too many trashy romance novels
FS: nah…I don’t read that crap
L&MB: yeah, but apparently you write it
FS: lol
FS: I could…
FS: hehe
L&MB: ok Danielle Steele
L&MB: you hafta compliment her
L&MB: have you ever read poetry?
L&MB: you were complimenting time
L&MB: not her
FS: I know…but when compliment ppl I think it’s suckin up…so I suck at compliments I think he means “I suck at life”
L&MB: write her a haiku
FS: lol
FS: she is jewish…not Japanese
L&MB: I’m not kidding, chicks dig that
L&MB: write it in Hebrew then
FS: she probably isn’t that fluent
FS: neither am I He has a keen ear for sarcasm
L&MB: you have to write her something romantic
L&MB: reading something romantic that you wrote to a girl gets them all wet
L&MB: and you have to seal the deal with a kiss
L&MB: why aren’t you telling her now?
FS: wtf am I gonna tell her?
L&MB: you gotta tell her soon before she looks for a better guy
L&MB: what color are her eyes?
FS: not sure
L&MB: how much do you like her again?
FS: I mostly look at her lips
FS: hehe
L&MB: what color are they?
L&MB: not black gentleman lips, eh?
FS: pink
FS: lol
FS: no black gentleman lips
L&MB: tell her “I’m not gonna beat around in your bush. I like you.”
FS: lol
L&MB: or “you have the most beautiful lips…every time I see them, I wanna kiss you”
L&MB: you have to kiss her. You have no other options
L&MB: but make sure you don’t get aroused when you do it
FS: what am I gonna do? Skull fuck her? …
FS: not right away anyway…
L&MB: what…
L&MB: tell her that
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved enough to skull fuck
FS: no feed me a stray cat lifted from American Psycho
FS: I mean pussy
L&MB: oh my G-d, sweet poetry…
FS: lol
L&MB: say “oh cupid, hath thy struck me with thy sweet searing arrow?”
FS: I am not gay
FS: lol
L&MB: um…
L&MB: that’s debatable
FS: suck my balls lifted from the South Park movie
L&MB: see…
FS: lol
L&MB: anyway…
L&MB: what’s this lass’s name?
FS: Rachel
L&MB: does she have sideburns?
L&MB: your silence says it all
FS: no
FS: and no
L&MB: oh, and before you do it
L&MB: don’t shave for a day or two
FS: y?
L&MB: you look more serious that way
FS: should I wait til tomorrow then?
L&MB: sure
L&MB: you’ve got the personality thing goin for ya, all ya need is the rough and tumble look more lies…
L&MB: so run your plan by me
L&MB: a good one this time
FS: well…when I see her tomorrow…I will go talk to her…and compliment her on little things…
L&MB: like what?
L&MB: tell her she’s got a killer body
FS: like her smile
L&MB: she goes to upenn
L&MB: she’s gotta know she’s smart
L&MB: smart girls love to think they’re attractive
FS: I am sure all girls would
L&MB: tell her that she’s all you’ve ever looked for in a woman
L&MB: and after you talk to her and compliment her, what’re you gonna do
FS: I will have to get close enough to initiate contact…doesn’t have to be on lips at first…is he trying to land a date…or a plane?
FS: could be by grabbing her hand
FS: or something
L&MB: just make sure that when you close in, you don’t kiss her on the nose or something retarded
FS: yea
L&MB: ya gotta get accurate precision on that shit
FS: I know
L&MB: if you miss that could fuck you up
FS: the hardest part for me would be drawing closer
L&MB: it’s A LOT harder than it looks
L&MB: plus, ya kiss her on the nose, she might think you’re some kinda pervert
FS: I am not thinking about that…thinking about what I am trying to do here
L&MB: and also, make sure you tilt your head enough where you don’t bump noses
FS: I know…I also kinda have to bend down a bit
FS: she is shorter than me
L&MB: but not enough so that it looks like you’re gonna crack your neck
L&MB: and you know how to kiss, right?
FS: choose a lip or let her choose one
L&MB: what about tongue?
FS: not sure when to start using it…I guess if she opens her mouth a bit
FS: so do i
L&MB: do you kiss her before or after you tell her you like her?
FS: y wouldn’t I kiss her after?
L&MB: just wondering
L&MB: sometimes it’s better before
L&MB: if she’s that type of girl, you know?
FS: what constitutes that “type of girl”
L&MB: well if she’s fun and shit, or if she’s conservative and smart and shit
L&MB: ya know?
FS: then after wards
L&MB: huh?
L&MB: which one is she?
FS: she is more conservative than fun…but fun also she sounds about as fun as genital herpes
L&MB: oh, so she’s uptight?
FS: nah
FS: she is laid back
FS: but not on her back
L&MB: tell her that one
L&MB: you should already know what kinda girl she is
FS: that she is laid back but not on her back
L&MB: it was a joke. relax.
FS: lol
FS: I am tired dude…can we take quiz tomorrow
FS: lol
L&MB: no
L&MB: um, just as long as you don’t try to kiss me
L&MB: cause I think you’d suck at it
FS: lol
FS: shut up [Mr. Book]
L&MB: just kidding
L&MB: you’ll do fine man
L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step
L&MB:ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PICK A LIP??

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion. We will also reveal whether or not Flopsweat got the girl (or any girl for that matter). Be sure to post your sex/relationship questions by commenting below or emailing us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com

Mr. Book is a relationship expert, having helped several couples emerge out of the depths of dark and callous relationships and blossom into loving, functional relationships. Loki is a sex expert, having helped several couples explore new things in the bedroom, open up sexually, and explore their wildest fantasies. Also, he's been to every porn site in existence.