Wednesday, August 27, 2008

It's Been a Good Day for Photos

I've been having trouble keeping it in my pants all day. This morning, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a picture of a 27 month pregnant Minnie Driver. I never found skinny Minnie to be attractive. Now add to that another 75 lbs and subtract a hair and make up artist. I am in for a treat!

Next, I found out that Julie Roberts went from being an average looking chick with DSLs to a flatso. Seriously, this chick is making $20 million dollars per movie, whereas I am only making $200 per scene for, ahem, similar type work. And she only looks slightly better than me in a bikini...

Kelly Osbourne, on the other hand, has been looking HOT lately. I think it's the new tattoo...

With beauties like this roaming the globe, I have no clue what prevents me from being a rapist. Just kidding! It's my parole officer. She's a hardass...

Celeb Round-Up

I know. We suck. Myself and the future Mrs. Book were on a romantic vacation after Loki and I attended a wedding (hint hint, let's just say the bride was very de-generous). Mr. Murdoch celebrated his birthday by being sick most of the week, and McNugget, well, is McNugget and never posts despite his lack of a job during the week.

But alot has happened in the celebrity world recently, and we'd like to keep you abreast of the situation.

Speaking of abreast...
Apparently Hollywood is under some sort of bra and panties shortage in the past few years. First there was Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan all flashing their coochies getting out of a car. Then there was Lily Allen falling out of a shirt like 30 times despite her A-cup warriors. And now it's remarkable if you see Katie Holmes or Lindsay Lohan out WEARING a bra. (When will they learn that sheer black fabric with photo flashes is like spraying a cold hose onto a white t-shirt?)

The Golden Boy
Question: How much does it take to get a meeting with Lindsay Lohan?
Answer: 8 Gold Medals
Michael "Breaststroker" Phelps (it's a little nickname we have, you'd understand it if you knew him as well as I do) said 4 years ago that he was really into Lindsay Lohan. Then he had only 6 gold medals and 2 bronze. Now that he has 8 from Beijing, Lindsay finally wants to meet with him. Also, she's been off the man-meat so long, she'd prolly hit anything.

Surprising News
Amy Winehouse was reportedly see doing coke in public. Katherine Heigl is still an uppity bitch that badmouths anyone working with her and has a skewed view of her place in the universe. Heidi Montag still can't sing, but that won't stop her from making records.

Wrap a pink ribbon 'round the old oak tree...
Kelly Bundy (Samantha Who? for you chicks) had her boobs scooped out. I really hate cancer. But I think breast cancer is the cruelest form. One day they're sitting there pretty, and the next, some doctor is trying to rip them off saying you'll die if you don't. If I could make a gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make one that kills Shia LaBeouf. If I could make a second gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make THAT one kill breast cancer. Yeah, that's just how much I hate it. It's SOOOO close to Shia. And everyone knows how much I hate him.

Ahhhhhhh! Moment
McCauley Culkin has been dating Mila Kunis for years and they're listed as "domestic partners" on wikipedia. What the hell. Things like this is why we have the site. Bleh.

Brain Dead Americans

Fucking Americans... Are we so fucking stupid that we are entertained by "reality" TV. These Jackasses normal people picked to compete in some sort of competition in which the winner betters their life some how as America sits there like a bunch of stogies rooting for their favorites.

American Idol? How the fuck can there be 8 seasons of that shit? Wasn't it made to find the best singer? I mean once the first person won isn't the next winner the second best singer? Who gives a shit about the second best anything?

Well now the reason for this post, a brand new reality TV show is coming out in early September. The show is called "Hole in the Wall". Contestants will be standing on a platform over a pool as a wall moves closer to them. Then the person has to jump/duck/position themselves correctly to fit through the hole in the wall (such a clever name). If they do this they probably win money or some shit.

Oh you don't believe me?

You know what? On second thought I am going to watch this show in hopes that someone gets terribly injured. Don't get me wrong, I don't hope any individual harm. However I hope the masses learn from the death of one asshole on a stupid show.

Shit if it keeps up like this TV shows won't need writers anymore... What else are the PESUP crew and jewish people going to do?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Modanna is One of the Signs Revelations Warned Us About


This picture is irrefutable proof that the four horsemen of the Apocalypse have ascended to Earth to claim the souls of the wicked. You are looking at a picture of Famine. No word yet on where her horse is or the location of the other 3 horsemen, however you can not deny this fact: The end of the world is here.

What? Are you trying to tell me this is Madonna? You mean to tell me this is the singer from the 80's Madonna?

Hey, I was raised Catholic I think I would know what the horsemen look like and I say that is definitely it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Ellen Degeneres to Wed This Weekend

Ellen Degeneres and long time girlfriend, Amanda Lee Rogers (yes, she changed her name TO Portia De Rossi) will be getting married this weekend, and I think everybody is with me when I ask: would a handy from Ellen Degeneres make me gay?

On one hand, I bet she has pretty strong, rough hands and she looooves the vag, which would make the answer lean towards yes. On the other hand, she technically has a vag and it would be HILARIOUS to see her trying to work my bone. It would be like watching a retard with a Rubik’s cube. First, he’d try to fuck it. When that didn’t work, he’d try to eat it, throw pudding at it, and then attempt to fuck it again (in that order). Yeah, Ellen and Lil’ Lok’ would get along famously. Maybe they could even get a sitcom...

Sports Update: Nothing Nastia about Her

What's up today?

US Women's Gymnastics kicks ass. Nastia Liukin won Gold and Shawn Johnson won Silver, despite the judges clearly cheating and giving them shittier scores than the Chinese. Now what's that you say? Didn't know I was a gymnastics fan? I'm not. I'm a gymNASTIA fan. That girl is skinny, blond, short, barely legal, and so flexible, she could probably wrap her legs around her head... twice. Plus now she's famous, and that leads to rich.

But she and I could never make it. She'd blow her fortunes on Chalk and Wrist Braces (what's with gymnasts and chalk?). And as soon as she allowed her body to take the natural growth spurt by not prolonging whatever voodoo magic gymnasts use, she probably wouldn't be as flexible and skinny. But it's ok. The breakup would be better than our second story.

These two broke up.

If you don't know them, they're Mike Francesa and Chris Russo from Mike & the Maddog fame. They had been together for 19 years as radio personalities in the NYC metro-area. Last evening, while on vacation, Chris "Maddog" Russo had enough and quit the station.

For anyone that's been listening lately, this SUCKS. Why? Dynamic dead? No, they pretty much hated each other, and you could tell on the air. It's cause both of them have been taking vacation every other week, so that they didn't have to be around each other. And they SUCK doing a show by themselves. Mike with his boring atonal voice just drags on about the Yankee glory days and Russo just talks about Tennis and Bruce Springsteen concerts since his San Francisco Giants suck.

Together the droning voice and high-pitched nasal squeal would be somewhat charming. But alone... Tune into another station...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Plug-In Electric: The Apex of Societal Retardation

Struggling manufacturer, General Motors, is in process of developing the Chevy Volt, a plug in electric that gets 40 miles from a lithium-ion battery pack and can be recharged through being plugged into a standard outlet, by 2010. People, being sheep, are in a tizzy over this "gas-saving wonder". Sites like, have over 33,000 people signed up on unofficial waiting lists (although the average price people are willing to pay is $32,000; while Chevy has affixed a $40,000 sticker to this vehicle). Doesn't the Volt sound too good to be true?

Well, here's a shocker to the 33,000 idiots that are signed up on the fake Volt waiting lists - it is! The theory behind the gas saving plug-in electric car is a farce. Let's take a look at how the Volt draws energy: through being plugged into a wall outlet. Let's see...where does the energy in a wall outlet come from? Electricity, right? Right. Now let's extrapolate a step further. Where does electricity come from? It comes from a power plant. A power plant converts GASOLINE and NATURAL GAS from their current forms into electricity and distributes the charged electrons from the power plant to the wall outlet in your home. In other words, electricity is derived from gasoline. But here's the kicker: gasoline in your gas tank may be more efficient than gasoline that has to first be converted into electricity at a power plant and then distributed, losing a large amount of charged electrons along the way due to entropy and inertia. Not to mention, only being able to get 40 miles to a charged battery pack is nothing. You WILL get stuck. A lot.

The plug-in electric hybrid is a farce. It does not save on gas and may ultimately be more INefficient. If you want to save on gasoline or stop support the oil exporters, buy a car that can run on bio-diesel. Then you can take the discarded oil from McDonalds (or your personal fryer, fatty) and run a car on that. Or buy a compact and read a hyper-miler's handbook. PT Barnum said it best, "There's a sucker born every minute". Don't be that guy.

Chad Johnson (AKA Ocho Cinco), Please Shut Up!!

Yesterday Chad Johnson did an interview on one of my top ten favorite television shows Pardon the Interruption or PTI, hosted by Tony Kornheiser (who needs to stop doing Monday night football) and Michael Wilban (who needs to realize there's other cities in the world besides Chicago). The interview started off normal, talking about football and other trivial things, and then it jumped to the Olympics. During this segment Chad got all Ocho Cinco and began to stir up trouble. Watch for yourself...

RRRIIIIGGGHHHTTT. Sure Chad, the best swimmers in the world can't beat Phelps, but apparently you, and your inner city swimming gang can. I'm not a racist, but I do know that every stereotype has some truth to it. For people can't swim. There will NEVER be a famous black swimmer just like there will never be a famous Asian Nascar Driver.

The Spanish Are Dicks, but Pretty Funny.

More Olympic goodies. Over reaction is quite common place in this PC, puckered assholed world. This is one of the reasons PESUP was created. Here is a perfect case. The Spanish Olympic basketball team posed for this picture a week before they left for the Olympics in Japan. They pulled back their eyelids to create the “slanty eyed” affect. Many Asian Countries took offense to the photo and are asking for a formal apology.

I can agree that this was in bad taste, but when was the last time you saw something funny that wasn’t. Asia, if your mad just make fun of the Spanish… Let’s see what we can say. Lazy, rude, oh and the fact that they couldn’t pick a government so rather then getting involved in real wars they just fought themselves for the last two hundred years.

Huh? The Olympics are in China… What’s the difference?

Loki Likey the New Lara Croft

Angelina Jolie is being replaced as the face of Tomb Raider's Lara Croft by this lovely young lady, named Alison Carroll (click for larger image). Granted, I'm an admitted Angelina Jolie hater. Her pompous "I'm gonna save the world while concurrently adopting every kid I see along the way" attitude just rubs me the wrong way. She's too self-important and may be the most overpaid person alive.

Inevitably, every time I open my mouth to rant about my dislike of Angelina, I get the same old, trite response, "Well, you wouldn't kick her out of bed, Loki". Well, you're right. But, I wouldn't kick your mom out of bed either and I hate her too. After all, she gave birth to you, didn't she?

On a side note, skinned knees are so sexy. I love the commitment!

There is Nothing Sexy about Food Addiction

So, I'm sitting here in the PESUP office, staring vacantly into space. This isn't unusual. I draw my salary by sitting, staring, being an awesome whiffle ball left handed pitcher with the arm stamina of Orlando Hernandez wearing lead weights, and by trying to keep pace in soft shelled taco eating competitions with Murdoch and McNugget.

During one of my staring sessions, a thought occurs to me. I've read the Jenna Jameson autobiography. Why? Um, because it's basically a book of confessions from a sex addict. I've read the Nikki Sixx autobiography, because it's the confessions of a drug addict who has sex with sex addicts and groupie bitches. I've read the Gene Simmons autobiography because I want to hear about how one of the ugliest men alive gets more ass than a couch cushion at the Kardashian house. I've read the Rodney Dangerfield autobiography, because it's really funny. The point is drug addiction and sex addiction are sexy. People want to know about who famous people diddle. How many people? Where? When? How many people were involved? They also want to know what people had to do to get their drugs or what other people did to get drugs from them. Also, who did people diddle after using drugs?

I don't think you'd ever catch me dead reading an Ann Wilson or Carnie Phillips autobiography. I don't care about how they just couldn't put that fork down because the double chocolate, deep fried, double-stuffed baconator was so delicious. I don't care about their staring wars with the fridge and I sure as shit don't want to hear about who they had to blow to get a Fat Darrell from the Rutgers grease trucks.

I guess what I'm getting at is: Ladies, if you're going to pick an addiction, sex is the way to go! On a completely unrelated subject, what are you doing tonight :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Alicia Sacramone, PESUP Still Loves You

The USA Olympic female gymnastics team took Silver in the competition losing to rival China. The contributors of PESUP are all huge fans of gymnastics, Johnny McNugget used to be world renown on the rings. Then his love of fast food took over and now he is world renown at onion rings.

US Team fought as hard as they could to take home the Gold however all hope was lost after Alicia Sacramone slipped while she was on the balance beam. She lost her footing and fell off the beam. The points that were deducted put the USA in a hole they would never recover from.

Normally this is something I would pounce on, blowing it in a big spot. In all reality I just really want to pounce on her. I don’t care if she cost us the gold or shot my dog, when you look that good it doesn’t matter what you do, you win.

So Alicia, if you are down because of the recent failure at the Olympics, don’t worry about it. Call me up, and we can go get some ice cream and mini-golf. Come on… how can you turn that down. Ladies love mini golf.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Arm Wrestling at the Jersey Shore

Line up ladies. This is why I love my home town during the summer. Nothing but classly people and fun in the sun.

Top Ten Weirdest Days of My Life

So today was a very very weird day for me. Today I had to wake up at a reasonable hour (still in double digit am's though) because I had to do an basically right off the bat my day started off weird. Then I'm in my ride cruisin around (checking out babes and/or fast food places...3 McDonald's, 2 BK's, 1 Blimpie, 1 Taco Smell) jamming out to some ill beats, when all of a sudden this Hooker (and by that I mean female) cuts me off in her Nissan POS. After about a 1/4 of a mile we ended up side by side at this red light, and she has the nerve to start yelling at me. She was all like "Can't you see that I have 2 car seats in here!? Why wouldn't you let me in, I have two babies with me!?" I was so appalled by the nerve of this lady all I could do was stare at her...and then I started to giggle. This did not make her happy at all...and lets just say she starting using most if not all of those four letter words that you cant use in school or court. The reason why this made me son angry is because this lady thinks that since she has babies in the car she can drive like a maniac. When you have kids in the car shouldn't you drive like my 80 year old grandma, and not like your competing in Cannonball Run.

I finally arrived at my destination, roughly 20 minutes late because someone changed the name of the road without letting googlemaps know. So whatever, I get there and I'm in the waiting room when I realize that there's only two people in here, and only one of whom is sitting (take a wild guess who was sitting down). Seriously, there was this old lady...standing in the corner of the waiting room looking at the wall. At one point I thought this old hag died standing up, which would have been amazing, and so worth being bugged our for 15 minutes.

So I'm in the office (which by now I'm sure most of you assumed is a Doctor's office...and yes I'm fine thanks for asking) and I was asked to take a pee pee test. So the nurse has got to be like 75 and she hands me the cup and bounces like Lebron's balls when he's chasing Kobe up and down the court. So I take the cup and go in the bathroom to do my business. Half way through my stream the lady is banging on the door yelling at me because I wasn't supposed to do it yet and I just messed up my test and blah blah. So I kink it and run out and began apologizing and crap and somehow everything is OK (basically I could have just cheated on a drug test and gotten away with it). Then for some reason she makes me wait in the exam room for another ten minutes (mind you I still haven't finished peeing), and I begin sweating like an Asian whore in church. Finally the lady lets me leave, but I know I can't walk back to the bathroom cause that would have been more awkward than the time I got a boner in drama class reciting Hamlets famous monologue.

I sprint out to my car, pop that shiz in D, and head to the nearest 711. Unfortunately for me and the store owner, the bathroom is out of order. At this point I'm near tears so I do what any normal 20 year old male would do. I pissed on the side of the building with my junk in full view of the nearby highway. At least the owner won't have to worry about squirrels and deer coming near his store anymore.

Now I think I have to be safe, what next could possibly happen to me. Boy was I wrong, today was just not my day with the red lights. There I am, stopped at yet another red light with a car next to me that wants to talk. I turn over to see a two girls in a car, one African and one Asian. I didn't even know that those two races hung out together...but then I remembered Tiger Woods. Apparently the girls wanted to hang out with me, and on a normal day I would have totally took them up on their offer, but since I was having the weirdest day of my life I responded by turning up my radio to dull out their voices. The light turns green and we go our separate ways when it finally hits me...I just turned down the coolest inter-racial threesome EVER!

You Should be Thankful I'm not a Research Scientist

I'm always reading about how my tax money is being pumped into some dumb-ass study on the effects of cow farts on the o-zone or the impact of "global warming", which Futurama accurately predicted is a farce since it will eventually be offset by nuclear winter anyway; there's nothing to worry about. I think a funnier study would be the impact of really fat people's farts on the o-zone layer. If fat people's flatulence severely impacts the o-zone, I'm all for sending them to the moon. They'd be thrilled anyway...because it's made of cheese.

In reading the news on a daily basis, I've realized that as long as you pitch it well, you can get ANY research project funded. You just need to address the right audience with the right words. My research project would be called "You're all just a bunch of pee-drinking shit-eaters".

The basic idea behind this principle is that there is plenty of urine that goes into our bodies of water and plenty more that is evaporated into the air. Think about it, there are 7 billion people peeing 3 - 6 times a day. That's a lot of piss. Now those same people are dropping on average one deuce a day. And that goes into our water. Water irrigates our crops, evaporates into the air and comes pouring back down on us, goes into the beverages that we consume. Oh also, there's plenty of semen and vomit following the same patterns (my guess is in far smaller quantities though).

I'd be willing to bet the average person indirectly consumes something like 8 gallons of recycled piss, 3 lbs of recycled shit, and 6 quarts of recycled semen during their lifetime; or significantly more for any female that's been on a Czech porn site. So next time you're consuming your Dasani, think about the fact of how much of other people's excrement you're consuming. On that note, I'm hungry - I'm gonna go get lunch.

Brad and Quentin... Jolie Who?

Brad Pitt, will kiss the mother of his children good bye as he leaves his family to act in the latest Quentin Taranrino movie. Hold on; let me ask my boner if this is awesome… Oh yeah, he is into it.

Brad Pitt will be playing the leader of a group of Jewish Americans who battle the Nazis during WWII. Hopefully during the battling they will talk about Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and dance the twist in yellow biker suits.

However, if someone tries to kill Pitt by running over him in a “Death Proof” car… I am turning it off.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I knew it

As soon as Bernie Mac died a couple days ago, I said to myself "things like this happen in 3's". I was all set to make a post on Monday commenting that Cedric the Entertainer, Martin Lawrence, and Chris Rock should watch out and take it easy the next couple of days. But tragedy has already struck a 2nd time.

As many of you know by now, Bernie Mac died at the early age of 50 from complications related to pneumonia. And the PESUP crew is sad to inform you that Isaac Hayes (Chef from South Park) has passed away Sunday. He was 65.

While he was a scientologist (and we think it's pretty much a popular cult here), he was still a man that made us laugh by teaching us such valuable life lessons such as looking for the clit and making love down by the fire. Even South Park creator and lottery-winning best friend Trey Parker and Matt Stone had agreed that some fruity little club was to blame for his mind scramble, and that we should not blame the man who portrayed Chef.

So I put out a notice of caution for all older black comedians. At first I thought it would be traditional ones, but if you've even lent your voice to a hilarious cartoon character, beware. The law of 3's says one of you is next.

And I swear, if you take Samuel L. next, the PESUP crew will go to hell and back to bring him back from the grave. (I can't believe I found a picture with Bernie Mac, then Isaac Hayes, and then Samuel L. If he dies soon, we need to look into a conspiracy to kill the set of Soul Men.)

Friday, August 8, 2008

Friday Update

Hello loving PESUP fans. It's a lazy Friday, and your old buddy wanted to let you know some improvements we're thinking of doing for year 2 (we started the site July 12th, 2007). As most of you can tell, we've really picked up our game from May until now. We've gone from getting about 50 hits a week in April to about 1,500 hits a week currently. We'd love to keep growing, so tell your friends.

We've also hit (smashed more like it) a milestone of 10,000 hits on the site a few weeks ago. We're currently at around 12,250. This post right here is also our 250th post. But we know we need to get better to get bigger.

Some things on tap for year 2 include PESUP bumper stickers, fan postings, Podcasts, and more wacky stunt days. We'll be giving out free bumper stickers to anyone interested, so please let us know if you'd like one. We're also in talks to have fans post on our site. We'd do it about once a month or so (we get final edit) and we'll pick the best viewpoint. If you're interested to be in the running (I'm talking to you Puck, Sarah, Dave A, Kramer, etc.), just post another comment and we'll divulge the email address to send your post to.

Finally, we're thinking of doing a monthly or bi-monthly podcast (audio only) that you could download and listen to on your ride to work. And as always, we'll be increasing our challenges (such as the Century Club) where we can update posts for the day.

Have a happy 08/08/08!

Brooke Hogan is Masculine

You know how I know you're gay? You had sex with Brooke Hogan and she finished. On your back. Brooke Hogan is the perfect lay if you're unsure of your sexuality. Just drop your pants, grit your teeth and take it, you pansy. If you liked it, make sure to tell your father to sit down before you break the news to him. If you did not enjoy it, you might still be a power top. Although, I don't think Brooke is the best way to tell if you're a top; she's too big and looks like the Brawny paper towels mascot. I'd suggest finding one of the Corey's. I hear they have some experience in the matter.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Freeman a... Free Man

I admit it. I got jealous and had to post a cloud picture as well. It doesn't make sense? Awwww! But Loki and McNugget were doing it! Whatever.

Reports out of the AP today claim that Morgan Freeman's and his wife of 24 years are getting a divorce. There are no other details, but I can tell you how it went down. When he got in his car accident on Sunday, they listed a female passenger that wasn't his wife. Now, as soon as I saw that, I was thinkin' to myself "go Morgan, go Morgan, it's your birthday!" Cause let's face it, you don't drive in backwoods Mississippi with some random honey.

Surprisingly enough, a few days later, when it is discovered he's doing fine, his wife is getting ready to leave. One of two things happened:

First, Morgan was cheating on his wife for a long time, and she knew about it and looked the other way. As soon as the press started peaking in on them due to the mysterious woman in the car crash, the rumors began to swirl and she looked bad, so she won't tolerate it anymore and now wants half of his money.

Second, she didn't know about it, and this was a pretty awful way to find out. First you're all like "oh no! Morgan! I hope he's okay!" Then once he's fine, you start asking who the other woman was, and why she was there when he was going fishing ALONE like he says he does each Sunday while you're at church. And then it's a double whammy; broken hubby becomes ex-hubby.

Or, I guess there's a third option. Morgan saw his own movie The Bucket List, and on his list was to start banging the type of woman he should (25-year-old hotties) before he passed away. And this car crash was just a wake-up call that even he will not live forever. And Morgan, if you're reading this (I just KNOW he does!), if you ever wanna hang out with the PESUP crew or anything, I'm, ya know, here and stuff.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Life Lessons from Loki

Drinking and button flies do not mix. A drunk person is 7.5 times more likely to get piss on his jeans if they button instead of zip.

Fact: Mountain Dew significantly decreases sperm count. Fiction: It is an effective method of contraception.

A microwaved grapefruit is NOT an acceptable substitute for a vagina. Unless you enjoy having a stinging peehole.

The c-bomb is never appropriate at work. Unless you work in porn. Then it's always appropriate.

Men have selective hearing. "I have a boyfriend" is hardly ever acknowledged. "My boyfriend is much bigger than you, and he's here" is hardly ever missed.

"WHAT? I'm JUST sayin'!" is NOT an adequate explanation for why you told the girl you just met at the bar that you think Jon Benet Ramsey was hot. "I was going after your hot friend before you stepped in" is.

China Wants to Control Weather, I Still Want to Bang Meghan Fox

Yes, what you have just read is correct. With the eve of the Olympics vastly approaching, with worldwide criticism about the pollution levels, Chinese scientists have developed a plan to control the weather for the games. I started to read the article, but then I realized that I saw the same plot on some stupid movie on the Sci-Fi channel at 2 am.

Whats great about this story is not only is is hysterical and retarded...we all know that China has a personal vendetta against Pesup. Basically, I can say whatever I want about the Chinese and they will never know. For example I can say the Chinese love to eat cooked dogs (which is really true). I could also say that the pollution in China makes the country smell like a wet sock, soaked in cow urine, and then shoved up the vagina of Rosie O'Donell for a week (I've never been to China, but I'm sure the smell is quite similar).

I mean really, what has China given the world besides chopsticks, gunpowder, kites, maps, puppet theater, restaurant menus...well apparently they have invented a lot, so does China really need to invent anything else? If this was high school China would be the nerd who sits in the front of the class answering every question and complaining about the lack of homework. Now USA on the other hand, would be the kid sitting behind the nerd, who just spent the entire class tying their shoelaces to the legs of the desk, so when they stand up they fall down, and inevitably miss the bus home from school and have to the rain. Also, the Chinese look like aliens to me so I win.

PS- Dear media people, It's the first week of August, can you please calm down with the back to school commercials and the constant playing of Don Henly's Boys of Summer. No wonder why so many kids commit suicide, summer is only half over and they are already being reminded of hell.

Jenna Jameson is Knocked Up

The New York Post reports that Jenna Jameson, the hands-down biggest name ever to work in the porn industry, is pregnant with her first child, with UFC fighter boyfriend Tito Ortiz.

I don't even know how you would go about getting her pregnant in the first place after appearing in over 75 porno flicks, plus recreational sex, plus being raped a number of times (at 16, she was gang raped by 4 guys and again that same year by her boyfriend's uncle) and a botched crotch surgery. I cannot imagine there being one shred of tread left on that tire. I think it would take Tito's entire leg for there to be any friction during intercourse.

Add to that the poundings that they've both taken over the years; the kid is going to come out looking like a slab of roast beef that went 12 rounds with Rocky Balboa (in his pre-Tommy Gunn prime). And no kid should have to go through that.

How long can a fetus hang onto an umbilical cord anyway? That baby is going to have to hold on for dear life or face falling out every time she stands up. My prediction is that the baby is going to struggle to stay in, get tangled up in the cord, and end up looking like Red at the end of Shawshank.

That kid (considering it miraculously manages to survive) is going to go through a lifetime of hell. It's hard enough growing up. Now, imagine growing up and everybody in your school, including your teachers, has seen your mother with another girl, taking it every which way and getting sprayed more than a car wash. That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.

Kingdom of Crap

Ridley Scott, the man who brought you the arab-friendly version of the crusades in Kingdom of Heaven, is now unsurprisingly producing Nottingham, the Robin Hood version sympathetic to the Sheriff of Nottingham. Sources here at PESUP tell us that his next major film will be Charleston, a movie sympathetic to slave owners leading up to the American Civil War, and portray the Underground Railroad as a bunch of thieves that are stealing property from all important ante-bellum land owners.

But alas, he cannot get to this film without finishing Nottingham. It was slated to begin filming soon, but will be pushed back until 2009 due to leaves. Yeah, leaves. You heard right. No one had thought ahead and remembered that fall makes the leaves brown and not green when they originally set a production meeting for this.

Of course, Hollywood being Hollywood, the thought to digitally color in each individual leaf did cross their minds. But apparently that would blow their budget (and not wasting all that money on that hack Russell Crowe). I bet Sienna Miller (Maid Marion) wins an Academy Award for this crap cause she takes her top off and everyone's like, "WOW, she's natural and small!" cause apparently that's great for indy-flicks and serious award contention. If she's nude, and you're not in the mood, you win an award. If she's nude and you're like "dude!", it's gratuitous. And this is why I hate Hollywood.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

With a Face Like That...

Remember that girl that hiccuped for 5 weeks straight? She was all "wah, wah, I can't go without hiccuping!" And she was on every damn daytime tv-show (so McNugget informs me) and everyone was offering these backwoods stupid-ass things for her to do to cure them.

Somebody'd be all like "hey, hold your breath." And she would. And then someone would be like "drink the honey from a bee hive where the new Queen is still a virgin while under a full-moon." And she would. And then someone would be like "take roofies and hang out in my bedroom cause I have a totally cool mirrored-ceiling with two-way mirrors on the walls and complete circuiting for my 5 tv cameras with full audio." And she did that too. Nothing worked, and eventually the hiccups went away by themselves.

One of the stupid ideas she took was actually a machine created by a company called Hic-Cup Ltd. (think Hick and Cup). It's some sort of straw thing that sends a shock through your temple while you drink, supposedly calming the, and I quote, "vagus nerve." So the fool used it, and it didn't really work, but the company decided it would pay her $2,500 to mention the product on tv. She did, and the company paid.

Fast forward til now. Her parents are suing the stupid company because pictures of her using the device are showing up in advertising materials. They claim that the $2,500 was for the one television appearance. So the tv appearance made into marketing materials were not part of that cash.

That's like saying "hey, I haven't farted in 5 weeks, let me go on tv." And everyone would be all like "hey, eat beans, eat taco bell, eat White Castle, get something shoved up there." And then Far-Tur Limited asks me to use their item, but it doesn't work, so they pay me two-and-a-half grand to say that it makes me feel like farting, and then I sue them cause apparently I had a stick up there the whole time.

Anna Nicole Lives!

This recent photo, taken in the month of August 2008 proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Anna Nicole Smith, not unlike 2Pac and Elvis, is still alive! Which really upsets me - I spent 5 months glued to my TV like an idiot wondering how she died - did somebody kill her? Who gets custody of the baby? Who gets the house she was living in? Where is she going to be buried? Why is her mother so white-trash? What the hell does Howard K. Stern do anyway? All that precious time wasted, and for what?!?!

UPDATE - apparently that's Gwen Steffani sporting her new "I heart cheeseburgers" look that she pinched from PESUP Ugo-of-the-Week alumni, Khloe Kardashian. Reports say that Khloe next plans on teaching Gwen how to consume 3 dozen buffalo wings without chewing (hint: bleu cheese soup; you don't even feel the bones).

UPDATED UPDATE - apparently she's just pregnant. Again. Sadly, I would still do her in her current state. What's a little placenta juice anyway?

Hairspray Actress's Airport Brawl.

Two Celebrites (I use this term as loosely as possible) got into a fight in an airport over saving seats. A fat girl from the movie Hairspray and a black woman from the show America’s Next Top Model, exchanged blows after arguing because the fat one was saving too many seats in the airport terminal.

ABC News actually took it upon themselves to talk about proper saving seat educate. Some classic stuff on that page, my favorite part is:
"I think the rule on saving seats is that people need to be reasonable," he said. "There is no formula for how many saved seats make it OK. It doesn't matter if it's one or three or five. You can't make a formula based on the size of the room and the number of available seats.
"If people are getting a magazine or using the restroom, but they're around, it's reasonable that you can hold their seat for them," he said.


In no way shape or form are any of the PESUP Contributors celebrites but I am pretty sure more people read this site then have seen Hairspray the movie. Shit I am pretty sure more people have walked on the Moon then saw Hairspray the movie.

Morgan Freeman will be OK.

Morgan Freeman remains in serious condition after his car accident yesterday. He broke his arm and elbow. The car was destroyed and needed the Jaws of Life to free him from the vehicle.

Morgan Freeman is the opposite of Shai LaBeouf. When I heard Morgan Freeman was in a car accident I was so scared that I cried in the bathroom stall, like a teenager that just found out she got knocked up. I didn’t care about any one or anything except if Morgan Freeman was alright. Shit, I don’t care if he was drunk, high, and driving blindfolded I would still look up to Morgan Freeman. He could have killed 6 families then eaten the dead babies off the road and I still would be more worried about him then anyone else in the wreck.

Why do I refer to him only as Morgan Freeman? You don’t disrespect a legend or a god and if you're both then you're Morgan Freeman.

If you think I am wrong for saying that line, look at his filmography…
The Shawshank Redemption
The Dark Knight
The Bucket List
Gone Baby Gone
Lucky Number Slevin
Batman Begins
Million Dollar Baby
That is just a random list of 10 movies, do you know how many other awesome movies he has been in… Did anyone say Deep Impact?

Get well Morgan Freeman, we need you.

Monday, August 4, 2008


Are all the planets aligned? Is there an eclipse on the horizon that will open a portal to hell? Are vampires going to walk the Earth's surface in the near future? What the hell is going on today?

Let me take a step back. First thing I read today is Kelly Bundy has breast cancer. Next, Morgan Freeman gets in a bad car wreck. Miley Cyrus has even MORE hacked pics - when is she going to friggin' learn??? I think she is trying to take over as the new Paris/Nicole/Christina/Britney/you-know-where-I'm-going-with-this. It turns out that Kid's Meals at most restaurants are chock-filled with calories!!! I would've never guessed it by the lack of ridiculously fat kids running around everywhere. I mean seriously, what the fuck happened to going outside and playing with kids in the neighborhood? You know, riding bikes, manhunt, a good old fashioned group ass whooping...And to top it all off, Kathy Hilton actually has something semi-intelligent to say.

Do yourself a favor today and stay home if you can. Or don't. With whatever it is in the air, your roof will probably cave in if you stay in. Just be careful. Crazy-ass signs of the apocalypse.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Diddy and Dupri in Hotlanta

This is one of those stories that you truly don’t believe until you read the article. It seems that a party called So So Def Summerfest Weekend, hosted by Jermaine Dupri and Sean "Diddy" Combs in Hotlanta was interrupted by gunfire. Wow, people getting in trouble in Atlanta, no way…

I don’t want to say anything too bad but, come on. Can we play off stereotypes any harder? A large group of people get together with hiphop artists and someone pulls a gun? Wow that shit is more shocking then the ending of the 6th Sense. No, it really is, my brother told me the ending of the movie before I saw it.

Just once I want to write an article about a girl from the south that keeps her life together, or a male musician not getting arrested or shot at… Wait a minute, no I wouldn’t. I love being an asshole.