Thursday, October 25, 2007

Who Are You, And Why Are You Inside My Magic Picture Box…

I’ve been planning on making a post about this for some time now, but every time I try to start I get dizzy and usually pass out for about an hour or two, then wake up hungry, and oh well lets just say I bring new meaning to the phrase “All You Can Eat Buffet”. Seriously, I mean if your still eating and the place is closing down technically they should either let you stay and eat, bring free food home with you, and/or allow you to come back tomorrow morning and eat for free. I don’t know just a little thought…
So anyway we are here today to discuss an ever growing problem which seems to be destroying the imagination of people, especially those that work at MTV and VH1 (which are considered to be music channels). Both of these stations have taken it upon themselves to bombard us with brand spanking new dating shows…about people who aren’t famous, aren’t funny, basically who aren’t anything. The shows I am talking about are obviously A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila (the most friended person on Myspace…except for me obvi!) and I Love New York 2 (seriously the show got renewed for a second season).
First we must analyze each show to show in its entirety to show how utterly stupid it is and why we should tell our children not to watch these shows (please do it for the children!!! It’s all about the children!!!). The first show, which takes place on MTV, is called a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. First of all, when the opening scene comes up the word Shot is surrounded with shot glasses…you get it…isn’t that so amazingly clever…if I ever see the person that came up with that idea I’m going to shove that shot glass up an exit only hole! OK if that wasn’t enough to make you throw up in your mouth (even just a little bit like when you hear Fran Drescher laugh) they have added a brand new twist which makes the show amazingly stupid. Apparently Tila is a bisexual (which I’m totally cool with cause she’s a hot girl, and we all know that males cannot be bisexual because if your gay you like to suck cock…and if your straight, you don’t…there’s absolutely no wiggle room here!) and thus she goes on dates with both men and women (who are lesbians….and which I might add look absolutely nothing like my female high school gym teacher), seriously I’m not afraid to say that after seeing these girls in their underwear I got a little excited. Look if I wanted watch a threesome involving a hot Asian, another hot babe, and some loser guy…I’d go watch a Kobe Tai porno. Lastly, I finally figured out why MTV (which stands for music television) decided to air this show. It appears that not only is our little Tila a sexy model (posing in everything from Stuff to Playboy) but she is also a singer. She currently has produced her new album with two hit singles (that are out now…I guess) called “I Love U” and of course “Stripper Friends”. Sadly neither of these songs made it to the Billboard Top 100.

Next we have I Love New York 2 (another very clever pun I must add). In this show the main character is New York and she is….uhhh…well her real name is Tiffany Pollard…and shes uhh…..well……she once, no that wasn’t her….basically she had sex with Flavor Flav. Look if every girl that had sex with with Flav got their own TV show it would take 10 years, 8,000 channels, running 24/7…just to get through his teenage years. Seriously, the man has had sex with more random black girls than Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson combined. The man is responsible for more fatherless children than WW2. I can go on and on…but it’s not about Flav. So anyways back to New York. This show has its own unique plot twist which makes it special (like the small school bus special). On this show there is a person named “Midget Max”, and if you haven’t guessed already he’s a little person (not Danny Devito little, more like Gary Coleman little, but with aging). OK, I don’t know a lot about political correctness (as you can tell from my previous posts)…but I know calling a little person a midget is a definite no no. Imagine for a moment that instead of a little person, he’s African American, and his name is Bob…and his nickname was Black Bob (racist…yup), or he was white, had a big nose, never payed for anything and his name was John…and his nickname was Jewish John (racist…yup), or he was Chinese, and his name was Zachary, and his nickname was… Zipperhead Zack (racist…yup, funny…yup). Seriously, who does this lady think she is!? Ok, even if I could let the racism slide, there’s a ton more that’s wrong with this show. It appears that after season 1 ended New York did some remodeling…AKA building two new skyscrapers (she got breast implants…HUGE ones). Look if I want to watch a crazy crack head whore with fake boobs go about her daily business, I’d drive down to Atlantic City and cruise the strip for about an hour. Here’s an idea, in between the finale of season two and the premier of season three, she should get more plastic surgery done and fix that gigantic forehead of hers. Seriously, I mean I don’t know whether to look at it, or try to land the Apollo 11 Spaceship on it.

Well in a nutshell that’s basically the two shows. I guess it all depends on what you like, its like that age old question, What would you rather be a ninja or a pirate, except in this case it’s, What would you rather watch, a hooker or a crack head (I’d personally go with the hooker but that’s just me).

2 comments:

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