Impossible

In a shocking turn of events, 10 WWE wrestlers have been suspended for steroid use… WHAT!?!?!? I know, I am just as shocked as you are. I can’t believe guys that look like that D-bag are on steroids. That looks all natural to me. I mean he kind of looks small compared to the guy in that mirror… oh yeah ladies…

What I don’t understand is, these guys aren’t really competing. *This just in: wrestling is fake* why are they getting kicked out for steroid use? There is no advantage when everything is scripted. If I take steroids can my job fire me? I mean they would probably have to fire me because all the women in my office would stop working and follow me around like lost puppies. But can they fire me just for using? Maybe they can, maybe they can’t, but all I know is I haven’t watched wrestling since I was 6 and even then I never thought it would be awesome to wear Speedo’s and rub on other men.

I can understand people wanting steroids out of real sports, a place where steroids can change things that actually matter to people. But taking steroids out of wrestling would be like taking Indian’s out of cab driving. It is a good idea, but then there will be only 6 cabs left.

Attention KMart Shoppers, please get naked...or die

Apparently, the new scam that has been pulled on 15 stores across 11 states over the last week is this: the scammer will call up a grocery store, Kmart, etc. and demand that all the customers in the store get naked...or he'll blow their shit up. Just a small aside, the scammer also asks that money be wired to his account. Most recently, this happened in Hutchinson, Kansas.

Why Kansas? I've been...there's fat people and, um, fat people in training. This is one of the dumbest scams I've ever heard of. I'm pretty sure a horny 13 year old whose computer has a site blocker and TV has a v-chip is the mastermind behind this. What the hell else can be the logic behind it?

The FBI released this warning "...the threat appears to be related to a plot in recent days focusing on banks and stores in places like Detroit, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia and Newport, R.I." Thank you, FBI. So we know we can't go into stores or banks in places like Salt Lake City and Newport. Has ANY PLACE been eliminated?

And this, my friends, is just piss in the ocean as to why I hate people.

A Bitch Named Trouble

Apparently Leona Helmsley, known as the "Queen of Mean" for her tax evasion and general evilness during the '80s has died recently. Her husband made a fortune on luxury hotels and real estate acquisitions to the point that their net worth exceeded a billion dollars. One of her more famous quotes was from a former employee stating "Only the little people pay taxes." Midgets everywhere were furious.

So she's dead. Ding-dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch. The little people will not have to suffer any longer. And neither will her dog. Her Maltese, Trouble, has a 12 million-dollar trust fund set up for her. 12 million. While 2 of her grandkids will get 5 million a piece based upon them having to visit their father's grave site once a year every year. And as for the other two grandkids? They were left nothing due to "reasons that are known to them." And she left millions to her brother as well.

Now, I know what you're saying... I wanna marry that dog. But that would be wrong. I don't know if the $12 million would be worth all the yipping when you don't take the garbage out and I'm sure all the cooking would taste like dog-food. Plus let's not even go into the amount of peanut butter you'd have to keep on hand. And Johnny McNugget is allergic to nuts.

But what is a dog to do with millions? Open a checking account? What does this old bat think that the dog (who will probably live 5-10 years tops) will need all this money for? 100k would be alot. 12 mil is re-god-damn-diculous. Does the dog eat caviar and drink nectar from the Elysian Fields? Just put the thing down. Or give it to Michael Vick to play with.

And the grandkids getting 10 million combined for 4 of them? Wow. Less than the dog. And the article further stipulates that she left behind 3 million for the upkeep of her mausoleum.
The mausoleum, she ordered, must be "washed or steam-cleaned at least once a year." She left behind $3 million for the upkeep of her final resting place in Westchester County, where she is buried with her husband, Harry Helmsley.
And the dog is going to be buried with her. I just wish upon wish that they pocket the 3 million (that's 60% for cleaning up a dead person's house of the inheritance left to her grandchildren) and they piss in that damn mausoleum. What a bitch.

Brokeback Penguins?

Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell’s new book “And Tango Makes Three” has come under fire recently. It is a children’s book, based on a true story about two male penguins that raise a baby penguin. There have been 546 complaints about this book calling for it to be removed from libraries due to its homosexual undertones. Now I haven’t read the book personally but unless there is some male on male penguin ass slamming I am really not worried about this “corrupting” our youth. If they want to cancel something with homosexual under tones they should have cancelled Heman the cartoon. There was more ass patting in that then anything I have ever seen.

Plus since when do we live in Nazi Germany? What are we going to have a giant book burning? Are we going to start hunting and killing all the penguins on the earth because two males raised a baby? They should kill Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer for that horrible show Two and a Half Men, same story except the penguins aren’t all coked out and scoring with hookers.

I am not homosexual myself, (if you don’t believe me just read any of my other posts) but I really think everyone has to chill out when it comes to persecuting anyone and removing books. People claim they are trying to help our youth. Does our youth create their own video games? Their own fatty foods? Their own drugs (huffing spray paint is soooo making a come back)? No the generation before them is what fucked them up. So rather then trying to protect your children from books how about you don’t buy them McDonald's everyday. Encourage them to read a books and news to help them expand their minds. Talk to them once in awhile.

And just for the record, a book can’t turn a child into a homosexual… only your shitty parenting can do that.

"And I'm sitting here reading don't kill myself books."

It is tough in the streets, the streets around and inside of Owen Wilson’s gated mansion. Two nights ago Owens was hospitalized and rumers started to float around that he attempted to kill himself. Owen Wilson (the odd nosed brother) apparently over dosed on pain pills and slit his wrists. He is currently in stable condition and is getting treatment. He has not confirmed or denied the suicide roomer but he issued a statement:

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

Suicide is never a funny topic, but in this case it is really really close to being funny. You know what I would do if I was a millionaire, that was doing hot chicks, acting in movies, NOT working in an office everyday slowly getting cancer from florescent lighting. I would defiantly kill myself. I would be way to sweet for this world and I would need to move on… wait a minute, no I wouldn’t I would… live, spend money, do chicks, and eat pizza.

Maybe he was really depressed and that brought about this cry for help. Hasn’t he ever heard of buying happiness? What you do is place a 100 dollar bill out of your fly and wait. Bam happiness. You could fly to New Zealand and go surfing and spelunking and have fun but really learn a lot about yourself. Bam happiness. You can pay someone to pick out all the brown cereal in Lucky Charms so you are left with only marshmallows. Bam happiness.

Beauty Pageants or Stupid Pageants

Just another example why Beauty Pageants, and all those involved, should be sent to a remote deserted island and forced to battle the elements. For those of you who live in a box…or have a real life and don’t have time to search the web for pointless videos, there’s a brand new story unfolding. For the past few weeks the Miss Teen USA Beauty Pageant (you know, the ones that look like the really really hot girls at the movie theater that come up to you and ask you to buy them a ticket for a rated R movie) has been going on. Look I know what you thinking… “Jeez Johnny no one cares about the winner, but do you know if they are going to do Playboy in 5 years”? The answer to your question is, “I don’t know, but I sure hope so”. Anyways, I’m not here to talk about the winner, I’m here to talk about one of the losers….the beautiful, the extravagant, the uhhhh not so intelligent Ms. Teen South Carolina.
I’m sure most of you know how the final round of beauty pageants works in general. They line up all the babes and ask them the world’s dumbest questions and see what these soon to be Nobel Prize winners have to say. Sadly after hearing Mrs. South Carolina’s response….I don’t see a Nobel Prize anytime soon in her future. The question she gets asked is basically, “One fifth of Americans cannot find the USA on a map, why is that”? Look with all due respect she could have said anything like, “Well I think Americans are stupid” or “Americans don’t care about maps” or even “I cannot answer this question because it is culturally biased”. But no, what does she say, something along the lines of we need to educate the Americans in Iraq and South Africa so they will help the Americans in the US. I’ve watched this video about 50 times, each time losing more and more brain cells, still very confused on what this young lady is trying to say. Seriously, after watching this video I felt I had to go back and study my times tables. I mean didn’t she think it was weird that she was talking about how Iraq was part of the US but she never met Ms. Teen Iraq???
Although this video is hysterical and it really shows how stupid people can be, I kind of don’t feel that this girl should be ashamed by her answer. Look she tried her best and she fell short…really short, but that’s OK you can get up on that horse and give it another try. However, she should be ashamed at the fact that during her speech a washed up AC Slater laughed right in her face…and that ladies and gentlemen, is something really hard to bounce back from. That is why as of today I’m starting a movement calling for all Beauty Pageant contestants to take a simple entry exam before competing. The exam will consist of three questions:
What is your name?
What state are you from?
Is Iraq part of the United States?
No / Yes / Not sure *

*If the contestant answers anything else besides No for question 3, he/she will be subjected to being slapped across the face with a tire iron.

Beauty is only one deep cut away

We have come a long way as humans. We've invented the sowing machine, the steam engine, computers, and the internets. We've also invented a way to fight the aging process by butchering ourselves, slicing, dicing, nipping, and tucking. Of course, the above was all a painfully long set up for today's topic - plastic surgery.

Since when is it wrong to look your age? Take Katie Couric for example. She'd be a great looking forty-something year old. But now, her face has a perma-grin on it. When she looks at the camera, that evil grin tells me that she's planning on killing me. Or eating babies. Her mouth looks like Jack Nicholson's in Batman (the Michael Keaton/Tim Burton one).

Or Nicole Kidman. I've always had a thing for her, but recently she's started looking permanently scared and manequinn like. Don't get me wrong - 97% of all guys have looked at a manequinn and
been like "Man, I'd love to f*ck that." The other 3% of guys have actually tried and ended up disappointed, splintered, and at times, under arrest.

This is my appeal to women - please stop with the plastic surgery already. I don't mind small boobs. They're nice, cuddly, and portable. Your lips don't have to look like Whoopi Goldberg's. You can have wrinkles! It's ok...

If you want to look younger than you are, take care of yourself. Eat right, exercize, and take supplements. It's hard work to look younger than you are, but if vanity is that friggin' important - treat your body right. Don't rely on the knife to do it for you...you vain f*ck.

The Lure of the Mustache

Okay, what I'm about to tell you is a true story. Why is it true? Well, that I don't know.

Mustaches attract younger women.

There, I said it. That's right, read it again. Don't ask me why. They're like magnets. Loki and I were at the mall today trying to see what a Beryl looked like. We decided to be sneaky about it and therefore decided that fake mustaches would be the best course of action. Since there were no halloween stores open yet, we went to Spencers and bought one of those Groucho Marx big nose/glasses/mustache dealies.

We proceeded to rip off the mustache and eyebrows and taped them onto our faces. Within minutes, girls were coming up to us and asking us where we got them, and generally obeying our orders.

We here at Please Everyone Shutup are dedicated to the pursuit of science and will therefore conduct an experiment on the matter. If any of our readers have some experience with mustaches (mustache rides, mustache grooming, etc.) please let us know. Especially let us know if you're a lady-type and what a mustache does for you.

Who wants a mustache ride? I do, I do!

An Appeal to Our Readers

Hey Loyal (and not so loyal) readers,

We here at Please Everyone Shutup have a task for you (it's not homework, so don't moan). We'd just like to get an idea of our readership. If you guys could, please vote in a poll now and then (top right corner). Also, leave your feedback on articles beneath the "Comments" tab. Give yourself a handy nickname, and let us know how you liked the article or what you'd like to see us write about in the future. It really gives us a thrill (and an ego trip) to have our lines quoted back to us, because we're not sure anyone is actually reading this thing.

Lastly, tell a friend. The more people that read this, the more articles and time we'll put into this.

Thanks for your support,
Mr. Book, Mr. Murdoch, Johnny McNugget, & Loki

Jesus Christ.

Jared Hutchins, 16, believes that the Beatles were a big problem in his life… Bro, you’re 16 you were born in 1991. John Lennon died in 1980… What’s the disconnect here? Unless Paul McCartney has been prank calling you I really don’t see how the Beatles could be a problem in your life.

Jared is a part of a Christian youth group and they attended an “Acquire the Fire” (great name, sounds like everyone is getting the clap) rally in Atlanta, Georgia. It is a music festival in which Christian “Rock” Bands play and talk (preach) about the negative sides of (being normal and having fun) pop culture. The rally seeks to “stage a reverse revolution” you know like the industrially revolution but they would rather take horses and buggies and shit in the woods. Socially speaking I guess no drugs, no sex, but only Christian rock and roll.

Ron Luce, 46 year old (ring leader) founder of the organization has “waged a modern-day crusade against "purveyors of popular culture," whom he has condemned as "the enemy."” Ok this sounds very normal. I understand what their attempt is here, but do they have to sound super militant and preachy? Why not just live the way they want to and let me drink and have sex with multiple partners without protection???? It gets stranger as our boy Ron continued:

"We're fighting for those who don't know they have a voice, that are being manipulated by our pop culture indulging in things that, really, they're not mature enough to be thinking about yet," Luce told CNN.
"Kids are hurting," he said. And of those who he feels inflict these moral wounds, Luce said, "We call them terrorists, virtue terrorists, that are destroying our kids."
"They're raping virgin teenage America on the sidewalk, and everybody's walking by and acting like everything's OK. And it's just not OK."

I just really don’t know where he is coming from. The Beatles are amazing and although I admit Britney Spears’s second album killed me inside a little bit when I heard it I wouldn’t consider her a terrorists. Although the head shaving thing was crazy. I think they should come up with a new name for their enemies. Pop Culture is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Pop Culture means what is in at the time, so if this “reverse revolution” happens then they will become Pop Culture and I am pretty sure that they will be forced to kill themselves. And then at the end there will be like two guys fighting on top of a pile of dead bodies. One will have a sword and the other one will have his knocked away. He will say “No, no, no don’t kill me.” And the other guy will be all like, “I have to, you are pop culture” Then the guy with no sword will go “but if you kill me then the only person left will be you and then you will be pop culture!!!” (Lightening strikes) then he looks up at the sky and screams “WHY GOD WHY!” then I come out all drunk and with hundreds of chicks and kill them both and repopulate the world.

What you think they would have gotten me? Maybe you, but me… NO WAY

Why Mr. Book hasn't posted in a while...

This is why.

The article points out the demise of the "lunch break" at work. Now, I have fallen victim to this for months at a time. It really hits home. During busy season when you're working 8:30-10, 11pm we always order out lunch, then eat it at our desks while working. Apparently, this is done in the name of productivity and efficiency. Well F that crap.
I've been saying for years, you sit and do work straight all day, you get tired and the words and numbers on your screen get jumbled. Sure, if you do something mindless, (i.e. receiving manager at a bedding, bathing, and beyonding store) you don't really need a mental break. But for those of us that make the world go 'round, you need some time to clear your head. And in the off-chance that you DO go out to lunch with co-workers, you always end up talking about work because they have so little else going on in their lives. That DOESN'T count.
And this wonderful little article reminds us of the old-Greek lunch (you can un-clench, it's not what it sounds like). They go home, eat huge meals, then NAP before they come back. You know how clear my mind would be? Much more than if I kept doing work the whole time. But companies such as Vendorseek have decided to skip lunch altogether.
“It is encouraged that we eat at our desks and use this ‘down time’ to address e-mails, inter-office meetings, and other tasks and necessities that would interrupt the flow of the normal course of the work day,” says Ken Wisnefski, president of the company that helps businesses find outsourcing services.
When the hell did meetings, emails, and other work-related tasks become interruptions? Last I checked, email and meetings were kinda essential to the whole process. It sounds like this guy is saying "oh, we'll let you eat while you're at work" when what he's really doing is making them work while they're at lunch.
Well, it turns out giving up your lunch break could actually diminish your productivity, causing you to end up putting in more hours in the long run, not to mention what it does for your health and well being. “I joke sometimes that smokers are the healthiest people in the work place these days because they get outside,” says Brown-Volkman.
Smokers. Smokers are healthier because they leave every 15 minutes to go outside and get their minds cleared. I've often joked that I was going to pick up smoking just so that I could leave every once and a while. Now it's not looking like such a bad idea. Sorry for the crappy post that is soooo-not funny. But I'm pissed. And I'm sure Johnny McNugget agrees.

BRING BACK LUNCH!!!

Oh that is interesting, Wait a minute, no its not, VOMIT

In the news today there is an article stating “Study: Seniors having more sex then you think.” Weird, I don’t ever remember thinking about old people having sex. Actually I try very hard not to think about that. How is this news? Old people are doing it, great, so am I… yeah all the time… Non-stop… right now I am no lie… I’m so lonely…

Is this article to make the rest of us feel bad? So some 80 year old is throwing it to some 74 year old spring chicken and all of a sudden I realize that I am in my sexual prime striking out left and right. God I hate old people! Learn how to drive! A Car A Car, I meant a car!!!

This isn’t a very hard study to conduct. “More old people doing it then I thought” All you have to do is ask one old guy if he is getting in on the regular. If he says “yes” study over. More then I thought. You know what other studies would be stupid,

1. More kindergarten kids are having sex then you think.
2. More horses eat pineapple then you think.
3. More people download octopus porn then you think.
4. More people watch Mind of Mencia then you think. (sorry about using this joke twice but the show isn't funny.)

If any of those are more then 1 then it isn’t more then I thought, it is straight up shocking and appalling. I would like to end this with some witty joke about how gross old people doing it is, but my dry heaving has caused a blood vessel to pop in my eye and I am losing vision.

2 People I hate (part 2)

I'm just gonna jump right into it. The 2nd person that pisses me the f*ck off is the human bobblehead better known as the verizon FIOS kid. It wasn't cute in the first commercial when the Verizon FIOS tech tried to explain what he does to a 5 year old without dumbing it down and the kid replied ''Nice Truck."

Then, what we didn't see between commercial 1 and commerical 2 is what transpired between the Tech and the kid. Kid goes ''Nice Truck" Tech goes "wanna see the inside," and the kid doesn't know better so he goes "Yeah!"

That escapade did not end well for the kid. Although I do not exactly know what transpired, "IT'S NOT TRUE QUAM" was heard being yelled out of the back of the truck (or so say my sources - thanks Book).

We moved on to commercial 2, where it's the same premise, but now the kid's dad is in place of the kid. And the commercial ends with the kid telling his father "You should see [the back of] his truck." Well, nice job Verizon. This kid is going to be the next poster child for NAMBLA AND every night he's going to be crying himself to sleep on his giant pillow.

Note to self: write letter to Verizon telling them they stink...something like:
Dear Verizon,
Get a better spokesperson and better writers. Your commercials stink and that kid annoys the piss outta me.
Love,
Loki

Another Page in the Book, Another Life Changed, Another Trip to My Psychiatrist

Yes, that’s correct, season 2 of America’s Got Talent, or as I like to call is “America’s Most Washed Up Celebrities and Random People Do Stuff”, has completed and we have a new winner crowned as “the most talented act in the United States”. I just have one question for you…does anyone know who was the 1st most talented act in the United States. Seriously, I watched this finale and I literally thought it was the first season; I was shocked I was wrong because as we all know, I have no life.

Anyways the show kicked off by letting the four finalists, a beat boxer, 2 singers, and a ventriloquist who sings; perform one last time for the audience. The fact that all four finalists were musical acts tells me one thing, these people must all be the rejects from American Idol.

Speaking of rejects, after the 4 finalists did their little thing on the stage, a group of fan favorite acts from the past combined efforts to cover Queen’s We Are the Champions. This performance consisted of, but was not limited to, multiple transvestites and a kid doing back flips on a flaming pogo stick. I felt like I was watching an episode of the Jerry Springer show, which is ironic because Jerry Springer’s job on the show was to interview all the acts, and he ever said that this compilation reminded him of his own show…funny, I think not! I feel like if I’m allowed to laugh at this performance I should be allowed to laugh at the competitors in the Special Olympics 100 meter Hurdles.

Next came the real performance of the night…I think. David Hasselhoff (the guy who thought people were watching Baywatch because of him and his great acting, whose only other famous role consisted of talking to a car, and let’s be honest the girls on Baywatch might as well have had the personalities of cars, so I guess it all worked out in the end) sang a song. The sad part was me and everyone in the audience would have much rather watched the 3 trannies and the funky bunch sing again than the Hoff. Look, I understand that he is a huge star in Germany, but here in America we have real musicians, like Kevin Federline and Ashlee Simpson.

The show concluded with the singing ventriloquist winning the grand prize of 1 million dollars, and a job working at a hotel in Las Vegas. Great, now we have America’s most talented person opening up for the people America forgot, Tom Jones and Wayne Newton. Is it just me, or is this the biggest slap in the face for the winner. At least the winners of American Idol get a record contract, what does this guy get, free trips to the buffet line? Sometimes I wonder if humans are meant to be the highest level of organisms in the universe, or are we just a bump in the road in the evolutionary chain to something greater.

BEST STORY EVER!!!

During the Edinburgh fringe festival, Daniel Blackner stepped on stage to perform his, what some people would call off-beat act. Daniel, or as he is known by his stage name, Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, took the stage at the Circus of horrors, pants and knickers at ankles - and like Flea of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, he wore something around his member to cover it up. Unlike Flea, who wears a sock, Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf wore a vacuum cleaner, with a special attachment, atop his junk. Unfortunately, before he was due to perform, the special attachment broke and Captain Dan superglued it back together. The dry time of the glue is 20 minute - it was given 20 seconds to perform its duties; the same time squeeze as a child at the Mattel factory in China.

Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf takes the stage with the hose directly attached to his junk...and ended up in the hospital. And the crowd LOVED IT! And who wouldn't?

Said Captain Dan of the incident: "It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed [emergency room] with a vacuum attached to me." Personally, I'd think attaching a vacuum to your junk in front of a large crowd would be more humiliating, but I guess I'm a mortification by numbers guy...

Captain Dan continued "I just wished the ground could swallow me up..." No such luck, Dan. The vacuum cleaner already assumed that responsibility.

Here's the article (to prove I didn't make this up...shit, I barely believe I didn't make it up): http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070820/od_afp/entertainmentbritain;_ylt=AmTEbEsbmc.w_dv0Gdh7hCoZ.3QA