Cynthia Nixon set to marry boyfriend...

Look at the happy couple. The "smart with a nice personality" chick from Sex and the City and her boyfriend. Wait, that boyfriend of hers looks an awful lot like Rachel Dratch from SNL. HOLY CRAP! That's a chick. Ok, two problems with this, and I bet they're not what you think they are.

1) Lesbians like girls. Right? So why do most of them (or at least half) dress like guys with the short hair and baggy dress pants? I mean, if you want to let yourself go, fine, but don't wear fashions from the mid-90's and get ambiguous about your gender. If you want to be a lesbian, fine with me! Girls are hot! I get it! I totally agree! They're curvy, soft and very attractive. So if you're going to put a social stigma on yourself, you might as well enjoy it by getting some babe rather than a dumpy broad that looks like the man that you swear you don't like anyways cause guys are disgusting. Plus, Cynthia Nixon is probably very rich and famous from that crappy-show-turned-movie-that-discourages-all-women-by-making-them-think-something-is-inherently-wrong-with-them-but-they-eat-it-up-anyways. She could get a way better gay gal!

2) There's something else about this union that makes it suspect. To quote Cynthia herself: (from IMDB WENN news linked at the picture above)

"It (marriage) is something my girlfriend is interested in and it was not something my boyfriend (Danny Mozer, with who she spilt after 15 years together) ever was. I think that to get married to her would be a little act of rebellion. It's like if you've never had the vote and then you get it you're going to run out there and vote. I always avoided marriage in the past and was very wary of it. I felt like it was potentially a trap. People sometimes want the party, the gifts, and the public celebration of this big love - they're excited about that rather than the life commitment. So I always stayed clear of it."

So essentially what she's saying is that she's not really into marriage, but she wants to rebel against the boy who dumped her after 15 years by dating (and now marrying) a girl that looks like a boy, cause she doesn't need men now! And what offends me here, is that it's not really a choice to be lesbian or gay. Cause if it was, I doubt most people would pick being gay because of all the gay bashing out there. I don't think you choose to be different, you just are, and you become proud of your mix of differences and similarities with everyone else. So if you get dumped by someone, you can't just change teams! It belittles the whole system. Now, if you're sayin maybe she was into women the whole time, then why do you date a man for 15 years when you're in the most liberal place in the world (NYC) with it's own VILLAGE bigger than that of Santa's (minus creepy elves) that completely accept you? Plus she's rich! And she didn't hesistate when she switched teams anyways.

Eh. Good thing she's ugly.

Indiana Jones Pure Fiction

“Real Experts” (who are better then fake experts) decided that they would make it known that the life of an archaeologist isn’t as exciting as the movie Indiana Jones makes it look.

“Real experts in antiquities acknowledge that the (Indiana Jones) movies are pure fiction that present archaeology as blockbuster adventure, yet they cannot help but cringe at the way Indy manhandles the ancient world.”

Holy shit. Are you telling me an archaeologist’s life isn’t about killing Nazi’s and getting the girl? They don’t run around caves, talk to ghosts and discover ancient artifacts that are cursed? They don’t even carry a bull whip?

My college advisor was a fucking liar. Time to switch majors… I am thinking about switching to Urban American Studies. Maybe then I can learn why black girls don’t like me. Come on ladies, I am an equal opportunity lover.

Jodie Foster is Single

And speaking of newly eligible bachelorettes, the Daily Mail has reported that Jodie Foster and her girlfriend of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, have called it quits.

Man, I am in luck!!! Jodie and I would have the greatest time arm wrestling, going to roller derbies, and every once in a while, she'd let me beat her in a round of golf to make me feel better about myself. Yeah...I'd be a sweet lesbian.

I'd do anything for my Jodie, up to and including killing President Ronald Reagan. Too soon?

Jessica Simpson is Single

Last night TMZ reported that Jessica Simpson and Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo are officially done.

Cowboy fans are happy because she is a Cowboy pariah and has been labelled the single reason that Dallas did not win the Superbowl this year. It had nothing to do with Romo choking, the Cowboys lack of camaraderie, or individual egos being put above the team itself.

I'm happy because that hot piece is back on the market! Oh, wait...I have no chance. Ha, this story has no relevance to me. Or you...unless you have a lot of money, fame, power, and fans. So, no relevance to you either.

Peace In the Middle East?????

(Gotta love hippies)

Condoleezza Rice said Tuesday before the president’s trip to the Middle East that an Israeli-Palestinian peace deal before the end of the president’s term (8 months) is improbable but not impossible. Uhm yeah sure, whatever you say. Other things that are improbable but not impossible:
1.) Me losing weight.
2.) Vampires walking in the daylight.
3.) Amy Winehouse getting clean (by that I mean either getting off drugs or taking a shower).
4.) McDonald’s introducing a low-carb menu.
5.) Tom Cruise becoming normal.

Sue Simmons Hates Grocery Stores and You!

News Anchor Sue Simmons hates grocery stores that charge too much for groceries. When she finds out that you don’t hate them as much as she does… well… prepare to suffer her wrath.



*Update: they have been taking down this video all day so incase you click on it and it doesn’t work then here is the transcript

"At eleven, paying more at the grocer but getting less. We'll tell you how to get the most. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

The Paris Hilton Effect

Ok. It started out with Paris Hilton. It moved to Kim Kardashian. Then all of a sudden Miley Ray Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Hope Destiny Cyrus and Amy Winehouse are gracing the pages of magazines everywhere. Now, I wanna know where all these people came from? Paris Hilton's dad was a cheap hotel and mother a whore. So naturally, she was famous for having sex on video. Kim Kardashian's father was a lawyer for OJ Simpson and mother is a baboon (with puffy ass). So naturally, she's famous for having sex on video copying Paris. Miley Ray Cyrus's dad was a mullet that created one of the most overplayed and redneck songs on earth, and mother is a mullet aficionado. So naturally she is a kiddie star that dresses up in a wig a la superman and all of a sudden she has a secret identity. Plus she posed with her back naked in a photo and a shitstorm ensued. And Amy Winehouse. Her father is a crack vial, and her mother is a beehive? So naturally, she is a crackhead with a beehive on top, with a side of scabs, and apparently she sings songs about not going to rehab that really aren't that good lyrically or artistically, but she's really funny looking, so she must be good.

Now, my question. How did all of these people become famous? Back in the day, Paris Hilton did a few things for Rick Salomon, and she earned her praise. Sorta. But where the hell did these 3 tabloid queens come from? Just because your father died of the OJ curse (think, Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran) doesn't mean you should get your own tv show and end up in the news all the time. And Miley, just cause your dad's picture is in the dictionary under "one-hit wonder" and "mullet" doesn't mean that you can go bein all famous. And finally, Amy Winehouse. How did she get famous? Her daddy didn't even do anything. Except introduce her to crack. But she ain't goin to rehab.

Man 1, Sharks 12

On Sunday, 37 year-old Jason Cull was swimming with dolphins on Australia's south coast when he spotted a dark form moving towards him. At first, it appeared to be a dolphin. However, horror struck as Cull realized that this 16' beast was actually a Great White shark.

Cull described the moment, "I just remember being dragged backwards underwater. I felt along it, I found its eye and I poked it in the eye, and that's when it let go."

The shark ended up tearing two chunks of flesh from his leg, including half of his calf and left lacerations on his knee and and thigh. He is expected to make a full recovery. The shark, on the other hand, will be confined to wearing an eye patch for the rest of its life and will be subject to numerous, unfunny pirate jokes. When asked for comment the shark responded, "I'm a fuckin' shark - I can't fuckin' talk...jackass."

There have been 12 shark related deaths in Australia since 2000, including a 16 year old boy last month.

If you're ever attacked by a shark, you can take one of two approaches - the Cull method or the Loki method. The Cull method involves poking the shark's eye out, swimming to shore and surviving. The Loki method involves soiling yourself, crying like a 3 year old who just covered himself in honey and played pinata with a beehive, and then probably soiling yourself again. It's your call...

Fallon, Stop Laughing You're Not Funny

Jimmy Fallon will be taking over for Conan O’Brien on the Late Show. It isn’t so much that I hate Jimmy Fallon; I just want him to fail everything he ever attempts. I can’t picture Fallon doing a monologue well maybe a monologue but not a funny one. At least not one that viewers think is funny; obviously he will laugh through the whole thing.

Half of the humor and charm of the late night talk show host comes from their composure and delivery of their jokes. Fallon, known for breaking character and uncontrollable laughing, doesn’t seem like the kind of person you want hosting a talk show. Fallon is like a baby with keys being shaken in front of him. Yeah girls think he's cute but there is nothing going on upstairs. Oh, I think he just crapped his pants. Gross, well… at least he isn’t trying to act anymore.

Jimmy Fallon got his first big break while working on SNL. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, that show is still on the air. I haven’t seen it since 1998 but I guess someone must be watching it.

The saving grace is that Conan will take over for ChinMan on the Tonight Show rendering the Late Show useless. So let Fallon have it, at that time of night we might as well let Carson Daly have a show too.

Wait. SERIOUSLY?

Mortal Kombat Pussified

When I was in 4th grade there were three big things: Boyz 2 Men, Starter Jackets, and Mortal Kombat. Both Starter Jackets and Boyz 2 Men are dead but apparently Mortal Kombat continued to make games. I remember when Mortal Kombat came out. That game was the shit A,B,A,C,A,B,B.

They are currently on their 8th installment of the series. Is this news? Not really… However they are taking a new attempt at the game that was so loved and endeared. First they are adding characters from DC comics. So now you can have Scorpion fight Superman, Sub Zero vs. Batman. Sounds great right? Especially if Robin the boy wonder is in the game, I would love to kick the shit out of him. Well with the addition of the DC Comic heroes comes the partnership of DC and MK. DC are comics for children so they could not be apart of this deal without MK giving up some of its blood and violence.

Yes, you know where this is going. Mortal Kombat is eliminating fatalities. That’s right; they are getting rid of the one part of the game that differentiated them from other games. They are doing away with the one thing that basically built this franchise. You will no longer be able to rip a man’s head off and have his spine swinging in the wind. You will no longer be able to pull a man’s heart out and let it beat in your hand. Tearing a man’s arms off and beating him to death, gone.

Think about this from a business stand point. Would 711 get rid of the Slurpy? Would McDonalds stop selling French Fries? Would Lindsay Lohan quit drinking? NO!!! Why remove the thing that makes you different from the competition. Damn you.

Justice sweet justice.

Nick Hogan, 17, was given 8 months jail time, locked up… OZ style. He pled no contest to the charges that he was under the influence while drag racing in Miami. The racing ended up with him totaling his yellow supra and putting his best friend in a coma. Wow that sentence started out bad ass but then next one quickly got sad.

I have been writing way too much about celebrities going to jail and getting what they deserve and shit. So listen, I will do my best not to write about celebrities getting arrested if you keep reading my posts about celebrities getting arrested. OH a paradox. You clever clever reader you. Now it is a stand off. We are like cowboys/cowgirls at high noon.

R-Kelly trial is still set to begin. But still hasn't begun.

I’m not sure how many of our current readers have been around since the beginning. We actually created this June 2007 however we didn’t start posting about the news and celebs till early August 2007. The first post I ever wrote was about R-Kelly and how I couldn’t believe that he hasn’t been to trial yet for his child pornography charges. Post located
here

Since that post 9 months have passed, and what has happened in the trial?
Jury selection was set to start Friday in the long-delayed trial of one of urban music's biggest stars.

Grammy-winning R&B singer R. Kelly faces child pornography charges, prompted by a videotape allegedly showing him having sex with a girl as young as 13.
The trial has been delayed for six years and another delay was possible after defense attorneys filed a motion Wednesday seeking to postpone the trial again. Judge Vincent Gaughan could rule on that request Friday.

Are you kidding me? The girl who R-Kelly allegedly had sex with when she was 13 is now 23. That isn’t a joke. This happened over 10 years ago. What the hell is going on here?

Shit, R-Kelly, just get the trail over with man. If OJ is walking the streets you will have no problem with getting cleared of this. It will once again prove that color has everything to do with freedom. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, yellow or red as long as you have green you will be free.

Facebook 5.0!!

The social networking giant Facebook will be adding more than 40 new safeguards to protect its users from pedophiles/stalkers/losers and bullies. However, women (including minors) are still allowed to post scandalous pictures of themselves basically inviting creeps to try and contact them. Imagine if McDonald's came out with an ad for a new quadruple cheeseburger...but then the Surgeon General said it was too unhealthy and banned people from eating it (whatever...I teared up a bit after that sentence, don't judge me). Maybe if girls stopped acting like whores these 50 year old losers would realize how sad their lives are and commit suicide. Also, bullying is part of life. If your a dork can name all the planets in the Star Wars Galaxy you deserved to get made fun of. So far 49 states have agreed to the terms while Texas obviously was against it. When asked why Texas simply responded, "Remember the Alamo". I'm not quite sure what the means but all I know is...I'm scared...

D.M.X. in H.A.N.D.C.U.F.F.S.

DMX was arrested today for driving over 110 miles an hour in January. Yeah… how does that work? I thought that if you got home without a ticket… you weren’t speeding. But apparently Big Brother is stopping us from speeding now too. What next? I can’t pee in my front yard anymore? Where’s the line?

Anyway, DMX getting arrested isn’t the story. Big Brother taping him speeding and charging him 3 months later isn’t the story. The story is what the hell happened to DMX? He looks like he is 80 in this picture. Look at his neck, its thinner then a homeless mans budget for a new cardboard condo. The guy thinks he’s a dog, always barking in his music, looks more like Old Yeller. In the picture he looks more miserable then Michael Vick’s dogs (too soon? PETA give me a break on this one). Hold on I need to come up with one more dog joke… ahhhh. Shoot, I don’t think I have one.

Oh well, DMX you’re old take it easy for your great grandchildren’s sake.

Winehouse Arrested on Suspicion of Drug Possession.

WHAT!!! That is outrageous how can anyone suspect Amy Winehouse of having/taking drugs. What are they crazy? Are they stupid!?!? It’s obvious she is taking drugs, there should be no suspicion. What the hell is going on here? How did it take this long to finally arrest her? She spends 99% of her day in the public eye and she spends 99% of her day completely wasted on drugs. I am no mathematician but shit that is a lot of people seeing her on/using drugs.

I took drugs once. I thought it would be a good idea. Then my X-girlfriend and I got into a fight, she left me and I had to go to the hospital four hours later.

That was an amazing day!