Brain Dead Americans

Fucking Americans... Are we so fucking stupid that we are entertained by "reality" TV. These Jackasses normal people picked to compete in some sort of competition in which the winner betters their life some how as America sits there like a bunch of stogies rooting for their favorites.

American Idol? How the fuck can there be 8 seasons of that shit? Wasn't it made to find the best singer? I mean once the first person won isn't the next winner the second best singer? Who gives a shit about the second best anything?

Well now the reason for this post, a brand new reality TV show is coming out in early September. The show is called "Hole in the Wall". Contestants will be standing on a platform over a pool as a wall moves closer to them. Then the person has to jump/duck/position themselves correctly to fit through the hole in the wall (such a clever name). If they do this they probably win money or some shit.

Oh you don't believe me?




You know what? On second thought I am going to watch this show in hopes that someone gets terribly injured. Don't get me wrong, I don't hope any individual harm. However I hope the masses learn from the death of one asshole on a stupid show.

Shit if it keeps up like this TV shows won't need writers anymore... What else are the PESUP crew and jewish people going to do?

Chad Johnson (AKA Ocho Cinco), Please Shut Up!!

Yesterday Chad Johnson did an interview on one of my top ten favorite television shows Pardon the Interruption or PTI, hosted by Tony Kornheiser (who needs to stop doing Monday night football) and Michael Wilban (who needs to realize there's other cities in the world besides Chicago). The interview started off normal, talking about football and other trivial things, and then it jumped to the Olympics. During this segment Chad got all Ocho Cinco and began to stir up trouble. Watch for yourself...




RRRIIIIGGGHHHTTT. Sure Chad, the best swimmers in the world can't beat Phelps, but apparently you, and your inner city swimming gang can. I'm not a racist, but I do know that every stereotype has some truth to it. For example...black people can't swim. There will NEVER be a famous black swimmer just like there will never be a famous Asian Nascar Driver.

Still Living Lohan

The Show:

Loki takes an Ambien and watches the show in an Ambien induced coma.

Ali (correctly) accuses record producer Jeremy Greene of insinuating to the tabloids that he and Lindsay had some sort of relationship going.

Dina mediates between Jeremy and Ali. All is well.

Dina celebrates making it into Boulevard magazine, a Long Island publication.

While at the Boulevard party, the Lohan household has an electrical fire. There is no damage an no one gets hurt.

Loki dreams that he goes to his high school bus stop wearing his left loafer on his right foot and his right athletic shoe on his left foot. Kids point and laugh. Loki dies a little inside.

The Numbers:
Number of times Lindsay was mentioned by 10:32: 7
Number of times Lindsay was mentioned by 11:00: 17
Number of Aqua Globes I bought from an infomercial during the show due to my Ambien coma: 4
Percentage of Ali's face her gi-normous eyeballs take up: 23%

The Verdict:
Given the choice between an Ambien induced coma and Living Lohan, I'd actually rather Live Lohan. Enjoy it while it lasts Lohans...your victory is fleeting!

Haha, Nobody Likes You, Tila

During last night's finale of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 2, Tila rejected a guy who professed his undying love for her for an unsure bisexual chick. In an ironic twist of fate, the chick rejected Tila deciding that she prefers sausage parties to clam bakes. Tila walked away alone and humiliated.

In response to season 2's shocking conclusion, MTV has announced that it will begin filming a third, darker season this coming fall. To emphasize that the show will take on a darker tone, they have renamed the show A Shot at AIDS with Tila Tequila, in which MTV will inject Tila with AIDS and she will have sex with each contestant without their prior knowledge of her infection.

The winner of the show is the last person standing, who will win a shot at love with Tila Tequila. Providing that she has not yet died of AIDS.

Living Lohan, Episode 5

We at PesUP waste half an hour of our lives watching Living Lohan, so you only have to waste 1 minute of yours reading the dumb shit we have to say about this train wreck of a TV show:

Bird's eye recap:

- Older brother, Michael, gets in fight with his girlfriend
- Ali and younger brother, Cody, meddle in relationship, invite Michael's gf over and cook them dinner
- Michael and gf kiss and make up
- Ali, Dina and Cody get ready for Ali's trip to Las Vegas to record an album
- Dina tries to convice Nanna to come to Vegas, but Nanna refuses

Living Lohan by the numbers:

Times during the show I thought about a mother/daughter threesome: 6
Years in jail that would get me: 20
Number of red dots I would become on the sex offender map: 1

Verdict: I'd rather trim my pubes with a zippo than have to sit through any more episodes of this show.

Living Lohan S01E03 "Mean Girls"

The episode from 50,000 feet (any closer and you'd actually die of boredom):

Ali is unhappy because girls at school pick on her.

Dina takes Ali to an African American performing arts group, called IMPACT, which focuses on staying positive.

Ali is interviewed by Stacy London (of What Not to Wear fame) on Access Hollywood.

The episodes ends with Ali still being sad and Ali giving an average at best interview.

Living Lohan by the numbers:

Times Lindsay is mention by name (or a picture of her is shown): 37 times in 22 minutes.

Times this episode is shown in the 24 hours since from the debut (inclusive): 3

Minutes of my life I'll never get back: 30

Verdict: Don't waste your time. Your time would have been better spent farting in the coconut shaped cup that your buddy drinks fruity alcoholic beverages out of.

E! Has Made You Even Dumber

The Institute of Mental Retardation has published a paper entitled "Why America is Becoming Retarded-er" and released it to the public today. One of the leading causes of mental retardation in America today is E!'s recent programming slate.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Why are the Kardashians famous? Bruce Jenner has not been relevant since 1976, when his Lou Ferrigno haircut was still in. Kim, the most famous cast member, gained notoriety by letting a not-famous black guy (with a famous sister) video tape their sexcapades. If we give a reality show to every girl that does a black guy, there would be a lot of fat white girls with completely irrelevant shows clogging up the airwaves faster than Johnny's arteries at the Rutgers Grease Trucks.

Snoop Dogg's Father Hood
Snoop is so high, he's actually proud of himself for knowing his kids' names AND their nicknames. Allegedly, the show is scripted and the house that they film in isn't even Snoop's. If I really wanted to watch a pussy that was afraid of needles, I'd give blood.

Living Lohan
So far, I have been unable to subject myself to this crapfest, but I'm pretty sure it goes, "Hi, I'm Dina Lohan and this is why I'm a great mother..." Meanwhile, she insists on mom-aging the younger, innocent Lohan, by which I mean she's going to drive this girl to the brink as well. At 21, Lindsay looks worse than Sydney Pollack, even in his current state. I know, too soon... Poor Ali is fucked. Between her mother, father, and sister, she has an ice cube's chance in hell of turning out even semi-normal. Godspeed, Ali. I'm hopin' for ya.

Denise Richards' It's Complicated
Again, I haven't seen it out of respect for my 12 remaining brain cells, but this guaranteed shit spectacle chronicles the life of Denise Richards, who is famous for 1) f'ing Charlie Sheen and 2) showing her tits in a threesome with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Why we would give a wet shit about her life is far beyond my comprehension.

Please America, shut off the TV, put down the remote and grab a book. I'm all for low-brow, but do we really have to sink THIS low?

Sue Simmons Hates Grocery Stores and You!

News Anchor Sue Simmons hates grocery stores that charge too much for groceries. When she finds out that you don’t hate them as much as she does… well… prepare to suffer her wrath.



*Update: they have been taking down this video all day so incase you click on it and it doesn’t work then here is the transcript

"At eleven, paying more at the grocer but getting less. We'll tell you how to get the most. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

Fallon, Stop Laughing You're Not Funny

Jimmy Fallon will be taking over for Conan O’Brien on the Late Show. It isn’t so much that I hate Jimmy Fallon; I just want him to fail everything he ever attempts. I can’t picture Fallon doing a monologue well maybe a monologue but not a funny one. At least not one that viewers think is funny; obviously he will laugh through the whole thing.

Half of the humor and charm of the late night talk show host comes from their composure and delivery of their jokes. Fallon, known for breaking character and uncontrollable laughing, doesn’t seem like the kind of person you want hosting a talk show. Fallon is like a baby with keys being shaken in front of him. Yeah girls think he's cute but there is nothing going on upstairs. Oh, I think he just crapped his pants. Gross, well… at least he isn’t trying to act anymore.

Jimmy Fallon got his first big break while working on SNL. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, that show is still on the air. I haven’t seen it since 1998 but I guess someone must be watching it.

The saving grace is that Conan will take over for ChinMan on the Tonight Show rendering the Late Show useless. So let Fallon have it, at that time of night we might as well let Carson Daly have a show too.

Wait. SERIOUSLY?

Sitcom Wet Dreams

McNugget: Kelly Kapowski vs Winnie Cooper
Mr. Murdoch: Kelly is hella fine, she is like the dopest shit on the block, she dated both Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. Is this debate over now?
McNugget: not a chance in hell, you forgot to realize that Morris...although he appeared to be the man is actually a huge dork. Remember the episode when he came in dressed as a Native American for heritage day; he was the only one in the class to take it seriously. Also, Slater wore tight ass acid washed jeans, and tucked in his shirt. Plus he wrestled...in spandex
McNugget: Winnie cooper was giving Kevin Arnold handers on the bus ride home in like 6th grade
McNugget: how long did it take Morris to get real play from Kelly? Def took place during the college years

McNugget: what’s up now honky?
Mr. Murdoch: Shit, you obvs did see that shit then. Not only was Zack getting it but she took AC to the Dance off/ she dated a professor in the college years and he was at least 25. Bro this girl was legit
Mr. Murdoch: Oh and we want to talk about dorks. Kevin Arnold, are you kidding me, the opening credits he was jumping around like a pansy, and he couldn't even catch a football
McNugget: dude...when Winnie wasn’t sucking off Kevin Arnold in his family room she was busy chasing after upperclassmen

Mr. Murdoch: Bro Winnie Cooper was like a recluse during Halloween, you know she's got the goodies, but she ain't giving them out.

McNugget: when has Kelly ever flaunted anything?
McNugget: Winnie used to roll to school in her cheer uniform for no reason
McNugget: Winnie slept over Kevin’s house in like 7th grade
McNugget: you know they weren’t just sleeping
McNugget: also Winnie is just such an ill stripper name

Mr. Murdoch: bro Kelly was in that singing group
Mr. Murdoch: do you know how hot that group was?
Mr. Murdoch: Winnie is into math
McNugget: Kelly is into meth

McNugget: ok so Winnie may have been a bit of a nerd...but wouldn’t you like a girl that can tell you at what angle she wants you to be at in order to achieve maximum pleasure
Mr. Murdoch: maximum pleasure. That is a joke
Mr. Murdoch: more like a maximum nap
McNugget: Winnie was obvi dynamite in the sack...she was much more experienced than Kelly
Mr. Murdoch: that is because she is like 20 years older
McNugget: Winnie loves the cock]
McNugget: she can’t get enough of it

Mr. Murdoch: bro if you get Kelly you can prob rope Lisa turtle into a three way
Mr. Murdoch: and I know, I said I KNOW you can not argue with that
McNugget: yeah right....turtle was such a spoiled brat I would have to pay her like 10 grand just to take a picture with her.
Mr. Murdoch: You. Maybe, but not me.
McNugget: come on man...you know that since Winnie lived like 30 feet from Kevin Arnold she was def sneaking over there for some late night sausage
Mr. Murdoch: oh shit, do you have a Winnie Cooper?
Mr. Murdoch: haha are you tapping one of your neighbors
McNugget: no comment
Mr. Murdoch: a little Asian Winnie?
McNugget: I wish

McNugget: its time for me to end this argument...I’m brining out the big guns
McNugget: Winnie cooper let Kevin Arnold bang her in a fucking barn
McNugget: she lost her V-card in a barn to someone she wasn’t even dating at the time
Mr. Murdoch: wow, really?
McNugget: yes
McNugget: wow really

Mr. Murdoch: with hay on her butt?
McNugget: junior in HS and she’s getting drilled next to a cow
Mr. Murdoch: so like there were horses and poop all over?
Mr. Murdoch: holes in the roof? Dirt on the ground. Shit
Mr. Murdoch: that is like my number one fantasy

McNugget: all my life I’ve been looking to bang a girl in a smelly place...like my bedroom
McNugget: Kelly and Zack didn’t knock boots until wedding in Las Vegas made for TV movie

Who Are You, And Why Are You Inside My Magic Picture Box…

I’ve been planning on making a post about this for some time now, but every time I try to start I get dizzy and usually pass out for about an hour or two, then wake up hungry, and oh well lets just say I bring new meaning to the phrase “All You Can Eat Buffet”. Seriously, I mean if your still eating and the place is closing down technically they should either let you stay and eat, bring free food home with you, and/or allow you to come back tomorrow morning and eat for free. I don’t know just a little thought…
So anyway we are here today to discuss an ever growing problem which seems to be destroying the imagination of people, especially those that work at MTV and VH1 (which are considered to be music channels). Both of these stations have taken it upon themselves to bombard us with brand spanking new dating shows…about people who aren’t famous, aren’t funny, basically who aren’t anything. The shows I am talking about are obviously A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila (the most friended person on Myspace…except for me obvi!) and I Love New York 2 (seriously the show got renewed for a second season).
First we must analyze each show to show in its entirety to show how utterly stupid it is and why we should tell our children not to watch these shows (please do it for the children!!! It’s all about the children!!!). The first show, which takes place on MTV, is called a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. First of all, when the opening scene comes up the word Shot is surrounded with shot glasses…you get it…isn’t that so amazingly clever…if I ever see the person that came up with that idea I’m going to shove that shot glass up an exit only hole! OK if that wasn’t enough to make you throw up in your mouth (even just a little bit like when you hear Fran Drescher laugh) they have added a brand new twist which makes the show amazingly stupid. Apparently Tila is a bisexual (which I’m totally cool with cause she’s a hot girl, and we all know that males cannot be bisexual because if your gay you like to suck cock…and if your straight, you don’t…there’s absolutely no wiggle room here!) and thus she goes on dates with both men and women (who are lesbians….and which I might add look absolutely nothing like my female high school gym teacher), seriously I’m not afraid to say that after seeing these girls in their underwear I got a little excited. Look if I wanted watch a threesome involving a hot Asian, another hot babe, and some loser guy…I’d go watch a Kobe Tai porno. Lastly, I finally figured out why MTV (which stands for music television) decided to air this show. It appears that not only is our little Tila a sexy model (posing in everything from Stuff to Playboy) but she is also a singer. She currently has produced her new album with two hit singles (that are out now…I guess) called “I Love U” and of course “Stripper Friends”. Sadly neither of these songs made it to the Billboard Top 100.

Next we have I Love New York 2 (another very clever pun I must add). In this show the main character is New York and she is….uhhh…well her real name is Tiffany Pollard…and shes uhh…..well……she once, no that wasn’t her….basically she had sex with Flavor Flav. Look if every girl that had sex with with Flav got their own TV show it would take 10 years, 8,000 channels, running 24/7…just to get through his teenage years. Seriously, the man has had sex with more random black girls than Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson combined. The man is responsible for more fatherless children than WW2. I can go on and on…but it’s not about Flav. So anyways back to New York. This show has its own unique plot twist which makes it special (like the small school bus special). On this show there is a person named “Midget Max”, and if you haven’t guessed already he’s a little person (not Danny Devito little, more like Gary Coleman little, but with aging). OK, I don’t know a lot about political correctness (as you can tell from my previous posts)…but I know calling a little person a midget is a definite no no. Imagine for a moment that instead of a little person, he’s African American, and his name is Bob…and his nickname was Black Bob (racist…yup), or he was white, had a big nose, never payed for anything and his name was John…and his nickname was Jewish John (racist…yup), or he was Chinese, and his name was Zachary, and his nickname was… Zipperhead Zack (racist…yup, funny…yup). Seriously, who does this lady think she is!? Ok, even if I could let the racism slide, there’s a ton more that’s wrong with this show. It appears that after season 1 ended New York did some remodeling…AKA building two new skyscrapers (she got breast implants…HUGE ones). Look if I want to watch a crazy crack head whore with fake boobs go about her daily business, I’d drive down to Atlantic City and cruise the strip for about an hour. Here’s an idea, in between the finale of season two and the premier of season three, she should get more plastic surgery done and fix that gigantic forehead of hers. Seriously, I mean I don’t know whether to look at it, or try to land the Apollo 11 Spaceship on it.

Well in a nutshell that’s basically the two shows. I guess it all depends on what you like, its like that age old question, What would you rather be a ninja or a pirate, except in this case it’s, What would you rather watch, a hooker or a crack head (I’d personally go with the hooker but that’s just me).

Another Page in the Book, Another Life Changed, Another Trip to My Psychiatrist

Yes, that’s correct, season 2 of America’s Got Talent, or as I like to call is “America’s Most Washed Up Celebrities and Random People Do Stuff”, has completed and we have a new winner crowned as “the most talented act in the United States”. I just have one question for you…does anyone know who was the 1st most talented act in the United States. Seriously, I watched this finale and I literally thought it was the first season; I was shocked I was wrong because as we all know, I have no life.

Anyways the show kicked off by letting the four finalists, a beat boxer, 2 singers, and a ventriloquist who sings; perform one last time for the audience. The fact that all four finalists were musical acts tells me one thing, these people must all be the rejects from American Idol.

Speaking of rejects, after the 4 finalists did their little thing on the stage, a group of fan favorite acts from the past combined efforts to cover Queen’s We Are the Champions. This performance consisted of, but was not limited to, multiple transvestites and a kid doing back flips on a flaming pogo stick. I felt like I was watching an episode of the Jerry Springer show, which is ironic because Jerry Springer’s job on the show was to interview all the acts, and he ever said that this compilation reminded him of his own show…funny, I think not! I feel like if I’m allowed to laugh at this performance I should be allowed to laugh at the competitors in the Special Olympics 100 meter Hurdles.

Next came the real performance of the night…I think. David Hasselhoff (the guy who thought people were watching Baywatch because of him and his great acting, whose only other famous role consisted of talking to a car, and let’s be honest the girls on Baywatch might as well have had the personalities of cars, so I guess it all worked out in the end) sang a song. The sad part was me and everyone in the audience would have much rather watched the 3 trannies and the funky bunch sing again than the Hoff. Look, I understand that he is a huge star in Germany, but here in America we have real musicians, like Kevin Federline and Ashlee Simpson.

The show concluded with the singing ventriloquist winning the grand prize of 1 million dollars, and a job working at a hotel in Las Vegas. Great, now we have America’s most talented person opening up for the people America forgot, Tom Jones and Wayne Newton. Is it just me, or is this the biggest slap in the face for the winner. At least the winners of American Idol get a record contract, what does this guy get, free trips to the buffet line? Sometimes I wonder if humans are meant to be the highest level of organisms in the universe, or are we just a bump in the road in the evolutionary chain to something greater.