Advice from the Sexperts part III

Last we met, Flopsweat was learning the art of seduction. In this final installment of Advice from the Sexperts, we teach him the ins and outs of sex. You'll also learn whether or not Flopsweat was able to land this girl. How could he not, right?

L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step
L&MB:ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PICK A LIP??
FS: I know what I would do
FS: but I don’t know how to explain it
L&MB: you have NO IDEA what to do with it?
FS: massage lips I guess u could say
L&MB: no.
L&MB: incorrect.
FS: ok
FS: then what yoda?
FS: don’t tell me u do that chicken peck shit…
FS: kiss her once
FS: separate
FS: look at her now do-si-do and promenade!
FS: then go back for me
FS: more*
L&MB: what is this separating nonsense?
FS: ok…do u suck on her lip?
L&MB: yes
FS: ok…that’s what I was trying to say before…couldn’t explain it til I pictured it
L&MB: you also have to use your teeth gently
FS: knaw
FS: ok
L&MB: then, slowly move down to her cheek bone
L&MB: and then start kissing her neck
L&MB: make sure to use your tongue A LOT
FS: umm…
FS: on her neck?
L&MB: yes.
FS: y?
L&MB: which part don’t you get?
FS: y?
L&MB: do you know anything about girls?
FS: I don’t know y girls like guys to suck on their necks and give hickies too…what’s the appeal in that?
FS: except it’s a badge of possession
L&MB: basically, by kissing her neck, she gets a lot of feeling in the neck, which sends little tingles of sensation down to the vagina, causing her to get wet
FS: ok…but y the tongue?
FS: u don’t lick her…
L&MB: does she have any birthmarks on her cheek or neck?
FS: jesus christ…do I have to draw schematics?
L&MB: yes
L&MB: how much does this girl weigh?
L&MB: and if you don’t know, ask her
FS: not much y?
L&MB: just asking
FS: maybe 115 or so…
FS: maybe more…not much more though
L&MB: how tall is she?
FS: 5’4” or so
FS: maybe a little shorter
L&MB: you don’t have to do any bending
FS: ok…are we done now?
L&MB: when you’re giving her a hickey, massage that spot on her neck that you are sucking on with your tongue
L&MB: absolutely not
L&MB: do you want to get this right or not?
FS: yes
FS: but do I just keep sucking on her neck? It seems so stupid
FS: I might like it when I try it…
L&MB: it is stupid, but girls love it
FS: ok
L&MB: besides, it’s a mark to show your affection for her to everyone
FS: lol
FS: I know
FS: my badge of possession
L&MB: where are your hands now?
FS: on her ass
L&MB: ok. Good.
FS: lol
FS: I am not that stupid
FS: or naïve rather
FS: I should sya oh sweet irony…you can’t make this shit up
FS: say*
L&MB: then you start moving your hand slowly up her side to _____?
FS: her breast
L&MB: where is the other hand during this time?
FS: on her ass or on her waist area
FS: or back
FS: back waist compromise
FS: lol
L&MB: and what does this other hand do after you’ve reached the left breast?
FS well…the one on the breast massages around the nipple…the other one can massage her ass or go down…
FS: any objections so far?
L&MB: WRONG
FS: ok
L&MB: very very incorrect
L&MB: you just failed
FS: then what?
FS: stop playing quizmaster and fuckin tell me
FS: I gotta sleep…class at 7:30
L&MB: don’t massage her ass, she’s not a gay man
FS: grab it then
FS: I don’t know
L&MB: move that hand that was on her ass to the back of her head
FS: ok
L&MB: smell her hair and make noise when you do it
L&MB: then compliment how her hair smells
L&MB: are you writing this down?
FS: I got it
FS: keep going
L&MB: tell me what you think is next
FS: nibble on her ear
L&MB: you’re a natural
L&MB: and then?
FS: whisper sweet nothings into it
FS: lol
L&MB: what’re you gonna say?
FS: damn yo fine lifted from any Spike Lee, Wayans brothers or Tyler Perry flick
FS: lol
L&MB: seriously…
FS: I could eat a peach for hours lifted from Face/Off; G-d I hate him…
L&MB: why am I wasting my time if you’re not gonna take this seriously
FS: ok ok
FS: I tell her how silky her skin is
L&MB: no. try again
FS: ok
FS: u just gotta do her in the butt Lifted from The Ladies Man
FS: I don’t know…
L&MB: so if this was real life, you would just stop?
FS: no
L&MB: well…
FS: ask her to suck my dick
FS: no
FS: tell her… Real suave, Flopsweat…
L&MB: tell her what?
FS: to suck my dick
L&MB: you can’t just take 20 minutes to decide
FS: jk
FS: tell her to model for me nude lifted from True Lies
L&MB: Flopsweat, I’m fucking serious. Why am I wasting my fucking time?
FS: what the hell do you want me to say?
L&MB: at this point it has to come from the heart
L&MB: and what does your heart say?
L&MB: you are like a massage on my soul does this come with happy ending?
FS: you complete me like I even have to say it…lifted from Jerry Maguire
FS: how much more do I have to say?
FS: is there a quota?
L&MB: minus the second line
FS: ok
L&MB: the first line is good
FS: ok

Epilogue

I know what you’re thinking: how well could this story POSSIBLY end? Well, Flopsweat is getting married this summer and we are both in the wedding party. Obviously not to the girl from this conversation - that turned into a disaster. Send in your questions to “Advice from the Sexperts” by commenting on this article or email us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com. If we could get this red assed baboon laid, maybe you have a chance after all...

Advice from the Sexperts part II

Last we met, Mr. Book and I were teaching Flopsweat how the female mind works. In part 2 of 3 below, we impart our wisdom of what to say and do to win a lady over. Finally, in part 3, we will address the physical mechanics of hooking up.

FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…
FS: but there isn’t such a thing as the perfect time
FS: but it didn’t come
FS: the perfect time didn’t come yet because I didn’t tell you how I feel
FS: the perfect time is that which is spend with you
FS: you are wonderful and I can’t wait to tell you how I feel
FS: I couldn’t wait for the perfect time to come along
FS: I had to make it come along myself
FS: too ich
FS: i know
L&MB: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING
FS: I am trying to be romantic…but due to my lack of experience
FS: it wouldn’t work
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you suck at it
FS: yea…cause I don’t have practice No, you don’t have common sense
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you read too many trashy romance novels
FS: nah…I don’t read that crap
L&MB: yeah, but apparently you write it
FS: lol
FS: I could…
FS: hehe
L&MB: ok Danielle Steele
L&MB: you hafta compliment her
L&MB: have you ever read poetry?
L&MB: you were complimenting time
L&MB: not her
FS: I know…but when compliment ppl I think it’s suckin up…so I suck at compliments I think he means “I suck at life”
L&MB: write her a haiku
FS: lol
FS: she is jewish…not Japanese
L&MB: I’m not kidding, chicks dig that
L&MB: write it in Hebrew then
FS: she probably isn’t that fluent
FS: neither am I He has a keen ear for sarcasm
L&MB: you have to write her something romantic
L&MB: reading something romantic that you wrote to a girl gets them all wet
L&MB: and you have to seal the deal with a kiss
L&MB: why aren’t you telling her now?
FS: wtf am I gonna tell her?
L&MB: you gotta tell her soon before she looks for a better guy
L&MB: what color are her eyes?
FS: not sure
L&MB: how much do you like her again?
FS: I mostly look at her lips
FS: hehe
L&MB: what color are they?
L&MB: not black gentleman lips, eh?
FS: pink
FS: lol
FS: no black gentleman lips
L&MB: tell her “I’m not gonna beat around in your bush. I like you.”
FS: lol
L&MB: or “you have the most beautiful lips…every time I see them, I wanna kiss you”
L&MB: you have to kiss her. You have no other options
L&MB: but make sure you don’t get aroused when you do it
FS: what am I gonna do? Skull fuck her? …
FS: not right away anyway…
L&MB: what…
L&MB: tell her that
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved enough to skull fuck
FS: no feed me a stray cat lifted from American Psycho
FS: I mean pussy
L&MB: oh my G-d, sweet poetry…
FS: lol
L&MB: say “oh cupid, hath thy struck me with thy sweet searing arrow?”
FS: I am not gay
FS: lol
L&MB: um…
L&MB: that’s debatable
FS: suck my balls lifted from the South Park movie
L&MB: see…
FS: lol
L&MB: anyway…
L&MB: what’s this lass’s name?
FS: Rachel
L&MB: does she have sideburns?
L&MB: your silence says it all
FS: no
FS: and no
L&MB: oh, and before you do it
L&MB: don’t shave for a day or two
FS: y?
L&MB: you look more serious that way
FS: should I wait til tomorrow then?
L&MB: sure
L&MB: you’ve got the personality thing goin for ya, all ya need is the rough and tumble look more lies…
L&MB: so run your plan by me
L&MB: a good one this time
FS: well…when I see her tomorrow…I will go talk to her…and compliment her on little things…
L&MB: like what?
L&MB: tell her she’s got a killer body
FS: like her smile
L&MB: she goes to upenn
L&MB: she’s gotta know she’s smart
L&MB: smart girls love to think they’re attractive
FS: I am sure all girls would
L&MB: tell her that she’s all you’ve ever looked for in a woman
L&MB: and after you talk to her and compliment her, what’re you gonna do
FS: I will have to get close enough to initiate contact…doesn’t have to be on lips at first…is he trying to land a date…or a plane?
FS: could be by grabbing her hand
FS: or something
L&MB: just make sure that when you close in, you don’t kiss her on the nose or something retarded
FS: yea
L&MB: ya gotta get accurate precision on that shit
FS: I know
L&MB: if you miss that could fuck you up
FS: the hardest part for me would be drawing closer
L&MB: it’s A LOT harder than it looks
L&MB: plus, ya kiss her on the nose, she might think you’re some kinda pervert
FS: I am not thinking about that…thinking about what I am trying to do here
L&MB: and also, make sure you tilt your head enough where you don’t bump noses
FS: I know…I also kinda have to bend down a bit
FS: she is shorter than me
L&MB: but not enough so that it looks like you’re gonna crack your neck
L&MB: and you know how to kiss, right?
FS: choose a lip or let her choose one
L&MB: what about tongue?
FS: not sure when to start using it…I guess if she opens her mouth a bit
FS: so do i
L&MB: do you kiss her before or after you tell her you like her?
FS: y wouldn’t I kiss her after?
L&MB: just wondering
L&MB: sometimes it’s better before
L&MB: if she’s that type of girl, you know?
FS: what constitutes that “type of girl”
L&MB: well if she’s fun and shit, or if she’s conservative and smart and shit
L&MB: ya know?
FS: then after wards
L&MB: huh?
L&MB: which one is she?
FS: she is more conservative than fun…but fun also she sounds about as fun as genital herpes
L&MB: oh, so she’s uptight?
FS: nah
FS: she is laid back
FS: but not on her back
L&MB: tell her that one
L&MB: you should already know what kinda girl she is
FS: that she is laid back but not on her back
L&MB: it was a joke. relax.
FS: lol
FS: I am tired dude…can we take quiz tomorrow
FS: lol
L&MB: no
L&MB: um, just as long as you don’t try to kiss me
L&MB: cause I think you’d suck at it
FS: lol
FS: shut up [Mr. Book]
L&MB: just kidding
L&MB: you’ll do fine man
L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step
L&MB:ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PICK A LIP??

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion. We will also reveal whether or not Flopsweat got the girl (or any girl for that matter). Be sure to post your sex/relationship questions by commenting below or emailing us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com

Mr. Book is a relationship expert, having helped several couples emerge out of the depths of dark and callous relationships and blossom into loving, functional relationships. Loki is a sex expert, having helped several couples explore new things in the bedroom, open up sexually, and explore their wildest fantasies. Also, he's been to every porn site in existence.

Advice from the Sexperts

We at PESU believe in giving back to the community. That is why in 2000, as part of our probation's terms, Book and I adopted a set of doughy, dopey 18 year old twins; one wit the gift of always being able to say the wrong thing at the wrong time; the other cursed with compulsively quoting movies out of context. Book and I set out on an epic journey as the sherpas (but not as smelly) that would get these unfortunate travelers laid.

Through merciless negative reinforcement and gentle encouragement (i.e. verbal abuse), Twin #1 (herein Jonas) lost 50 lbs., learned to hold back most of his retarded comments (don’t get me wrong, he still flung a barrage of verbal feces, but at least it was controlled), and trimmed his grandma quaff. Eventually, Jonas met a Grinch look-alike that allowed him the pleasure of penetration. He has gone on to have sex with other, much better looking women. He even once said something funny. Honest!

Twin #2’s (herein Flopsweat) journey was a bit tougher. Unfortunately for him, he came to us asking for advice on how to get a girl and what to do with her once she seemed interested.

Below is part 1 of 3 of our conversation with Flopsweat where we share our worldly knowledge and keen insight into the female mind. This conversation has not been taken out of context or manipulated. The names in this story have not been changed.

Did our advice end up getting Flopsweat laid? Was he finally able to successfully charge up Mount Vagina, get through the Jeans Guardsmen and past the Panty Defense? Stay tuned for the exciting saga from your pals at PESU.

Liner notes are in italics

Loki & Mr. Book: so why are you scared shitless of opening up to this girl?
L&MB: don’t you think that if you REALLY liked her, that you’d be comfortable around her?
L&MB: that’s how I am
Flopsweat: because a) I haven’t done that in a while done what? Spoken to a single woman? b) I am comfortable…but it is more a matter of not knowing what to say
L&MB: girls hate it when guys are uncomfortable
L&MB: Flopsweat, ya gotta tell her how ya feel
L&MB: grab her hand
L&MB: turn her around
L&MB: and say “I really want you”
L&MB: and then start kissing her
FS: did you ever do that?
L&MB: of course
FS: and it worked?
L&MB: hellz yeah CAUSE I AM THE FUCKIN’ MAN!
L&MB: so, when you gonna tell that girl?
L&MB: ya gotta tell her soon man
FS: I know
L&MB: like tonight
L&MB: or tomorrow
L&MB: do it tomorrow
L&MB: if she don’t like ya, at least you’ll have me and [Loki] there
L&MB: so, what’re you gonna say?
L&MB: test run…
FS: ok
FS: ……………
L&MB: you’re a natural
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re a glib motherfucker, uncle Flopsweat
L&MB: listen…
FS: the longer I wait…the harder it is for me to tell you how wonderful you are
L&MB: are you comin on to me you goofy fuck? By our reaction he could tell he was barking up the wrong tree and changed his tune
FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…

To get advice from your local PESU Sexperts, leave us a comment on this post or you can email us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com.