Tatum Bell-Boy

The above picture is of former Detroit Lions running back Tatum Bell. Now, good ole Tatum was picked up by Detroit last year from the Denver Broncos. He didn't play much all season and this year he was about to be overshadowed by rookie running back Kevan Smith.

The Cincinnati Bengals had freshly cut their old starting running back, Rudi Johnson, who had been in and out of the team doctor's office with injury after injury. When Rudi was healthy, he was a strong running back, and had even made the Pro-Bowl. So the Lions invited him up for a workout, and before you know it, they sign Johnson.

This of course did not please Tatum Bell. Within a few days, Rudi was on the team, and Detroit cut Bell. As a going away gift, Tatum went into the locker room and stole two Gucci bags that Johnson had been given as a present for going to the Pro-Bowl. The Lions had security footage showing Bell take the bags. Johnson was infuriated and apparently Bell told him that he mistook the bags for another player's and delivered the luggage to a female companion of said player.

A woman eventually appeared at team headquarters with the bags, but they were empty. Johnson stood to lose credit cards, his ID, underwear and gym socks. He cancelled his credit cards, but not the underwear...

Now, is anyone surprised a football player stole another football player's luggage? No. 3 players in the past 18 months have been shot, with 2 deaths and the current victim (Jacksonville Jaguar's Offensive Lineman Richard Collier) in critical condition. What I'm surprised with is that this man had Gucci bags. These guys are supposed to be all thug and tough, but they walk around with their Gucci bags and their Perrier, and their pinkies held up as they sip their Earl Grey.

Plus, I heard that the bags went MUCH better with what Bell was wearing that day, so all charges were dropped.

Sports Update: Nothing Nastia about Her

What's up today?

US Women's Gymnastics kicks ass. Nastia Liukin won Gold and Shawn Johnson won Silver, despite the judges clearly cheating and giving them shittier scores than the Chinese. Now what's that you say? Didn't know I was a gymnastics fan? I'm not. I'm a gymNASTIA fan. That girl is skinny, blond, short, barely legal, and so flexible, she could probably wrap her legs around her head... twice. Plus now she's famous, and that leads to rich.

But she and I could never make it. She'd blow her fortunes on Chalk and Wrist Braces (what's with gymnasts and chalk?). And as soon as she allowed her body to take the natural growth spurt by not prolonging whatever voodoo magic gymnasts use, she probably wouldn't be as flexible and skinny. But it's ok. The breakup would be better than our second story.


These two broke up.

If you don't know them, they're Mike Francesa and Chris Russo from Mike & the Maddog fame. They had been together for 19 years as radio personalities in the NYC metro-area. Last evening, while on vacation, Chris "Maddog" Russo had enough and quit the station.

For anyone that's been listening lately, this SUCKS. Why? Dynamic dead? No, they pretty much hated each other, and you could tell on the air. It's cause both of them have been taking vacation every other week, so that they didn't have to be around each other. And they SUCK doing a show by themselves. Mike with his boring atonal voice just drags on about the Yankee glory days and Russo just talks about Tennis and Bruce Springsteen concerts since his San Francisco Giants suck.

Together the droning voice and high-pitched nasal squeal would be somewhat charming. But alone... Tune into another station...

Chad Johnson (AKA Ocho Cinco), Please Shut Up!!

Yesterday Chad Johnson did an interview on one of my top ten favorite television shows Pardon the Interruption or PTI, hosted by Tony Kornheiser (who needs to stop doing Monday night football) and Michael Wilban (who needs to realize there's other cities in the world besides Chicago). The interview started off normal, talking about football and other trivial things, and then it jumped to the Olympics. During this segment Chad got all Ocho Cinco and began to stir up trouble. Watch for yourself...




RRRIIIIGGGHHHTTT. Sure Chad, the best swimmers in the world can't beat Phelps, but apparently you, and your inner city swimming gang can. I'm not a racist, but I do know that every stereotype has some truth to it. For example...black people can't swim. There will NEVER be a famous black swimmer just like there will never be a famous Asian Nascar Driver.

The Spanish Are Dicks, but Pretty Funny.

More Olympic goodies. Over reaction is quite common place in this PC, puckered assholed world. This is one of the reasons PESUP was created. Here is a perfect case. The Spanish Olympic basketball team posed for this picture a week before they left for the Olympics in Japan. They pulled back their eyelids to create the “slanty eyed” affect. Many Asian Countries took offense to the photo and are asking for a formal apology.

I can agree that this was in bad taste, but when was the last time you saw something funny that wasn’t. Asia, if your mad just make fun of the Spanish… Let’s see what we can say. Lazy, rude, oh and the fact that they couldn’t pick a government so rather then getting involved in real wars they just fought themselves for the last two hundred years.

Huh? The Olympics are in China… What’s the difference?

Alicia Sacramone, PESUP Still Loves You

The USA Olympic female gymnastics team took Silver in the competition losing to rival China. The contributors of PESUP are all huge fans of gymnastics, Johnny McNugget used to be world renown on the rings. Then his love of fast food took over and now he is world renown at onion rings.

US Team fought as hard as they could to take home the Gold however all hope was lost after Alicia Sacramone slipped while she was on the balance beam. She lost her footing and fell off the beam. The points that were deducted put the USA in a hole they would never recover from.

Normally this is something I would pounce on, blowing it in a big spot. In all reality I just really want to pounce on her. I don’t care if she cost us the gold or shot my dog, when you look that good it doesn’t matter what you do, you win.

So Alicia, if you are down because of the recent failure at the Olympics, don’t worry about it. Call me up, and we can go get some ice cream and mini-golf. Come on… how can you turn that down. Ladies love mini golf.

Brett Favre Applies for Reinstatement

I'm not sure if this is news or not, but I know nobody has heard it yet. Today, around 4pm EST, Brett Favre applied for his reinstatement back to football. Apparently he could not wait to be back on the field, carrying his teammates to certain victory. Are you shocked? I know I am. I remember that day he was all crying being like "I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth" then subsequently got Lou Gehrig's Disease and died. Wait, wrong thing. But he was really sad.

Wait, you know that he's applied for reinstatement for the Packers already? And you've known about this for weeks now? Oh, well, I'm not talking about the Packers. In a PESUP exclusive, we have learned that Mr. Favrarevea (however you pronounce it) is applying to be reinstated by the NCAA so that he can go back to becoming the quarterback of the Golden Eagles of the University of Southern Mississippi.

When asked why he took so long to render this decision, Favre responded:

Well, I had never intended on graduating. They asked me, but I felt as if I was under the gun at the time, and I wasn't ready to make a decision. I felt bad leaving the fan base and leading them on, so I told them I would graduate, knowing full well I wasn't ready. I know my body can make a return to college football, plus the cheerleaders are hot and young.

When asked to comment, the USM spokesperson referenced that Brett was out of academic eligibility, and that he had finished his coursework in Education (with focus on special education), and had exercised his full 4 years of NCAA eligibility.

Brett was then quoted as saying:

All I'm asking for is my shot to try and compete. I know I can win behind the USM offensive line. But if USM will not allow me to pursue a starting quarterback position, I will attempt to transfer to Florida State, Florida, Miami, Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, Tulane, or any school on USM's schedule during the year. If I am unable to do this, I will go back to my high school in Kiln, Mississippi. Cause hey, high school girls are hot.

Arods getting divorced

Are you sad about this? I sure as hell am not. I actually think this is one of the funniest story’s out there. First of all Arod is now dating Madonna, I know I said the same thing.

“She’s still alive?”

I just find it so hard to be sad for someone who has signed two contracts each for over a quarter of a billion dollars. Using simple math would indicate that he has/will be paid over half a billion dollars for playing baseball, never mind all of his other sponsorships and appearances.

Sorry Arod, no love from PESUP. Good luck with Madonna. I heard you are getting a new sponsor… The Gap. Oh man, that’s cold.

Remember when we were cool?

Hey guys,

It's Book again. Remember when our readers used to be cool with us? And we would post and they would all comment on articles and vote? What happened to us? I mean, it seems like just yesterday we were telling stories of memories passed and there was love between us all. I don't care if you don't know me. I don't care if you only know Murdoch or Loki. And everyone knows McNugget didn't tell his friends. But he's lovable too. Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can WE be friends? (Sorry, I got caught in a song sequence by that trickster Randy Newman.) Is it because I totally farted? Cause everybody does it. God. I'm sorry. I can't apologize enough...

I'm sorry for yelling. But I'm feeling nostalgic. Even the news today is nostalgic. Let me tell you a story.

A long time ago (like last year or something) in a place far, far away (New York City), there was a wise-old owl. The owl got paid to live in the dark of morning and go to sleep after the rush-hour was over. The owl would keep hooting about sports and news and really wasn't that funny, but he was an old owl, so it was ok. No one really paid too much attention to what the owl said until one day when he observed a group of Scarlet Knights playing a magical game with a hoop and a ball. When the owl called them "nappy-headed ho's", everyone and their mother wanted to kill the owl. But the owl apologized to everyone like a billion times. He went to God. He was sorry. He couldn't apologize enough...



So the owl disappeared for a while into a cave. While the owl was hiding, a Titan was hanging out with some friends trying to see some female Titans without their armor. One of the friends got really mad and paralyzed another person. This stopped the Titan from being able to play in the arena on Sundays. The Titan had to make himself over into a Cowboy in order to go back to the arena. After a long hard year of doing pretty much nothing, the Titan's transformation was almost complete. That's when the owl hooted again, calling into question the color of the new Cowboy's armor. But the owl said he was just trying to ask why Scarlet Knights and Black Titans were treated more unfairly than others.

I just think they're all stupid.

THE END

Randolph Gets Sacked

No, not Rudolph, he is still leading Santa's sleigh with his nose so bright.

The New York Mets finally cut ties with now EX-manager Willie Randolph. The Mets fired Randolph last night after the Mets defeated the Angels 9-6 in LA. The firing which came at 12:30AM Pacific time (3:30AM) was not incredibly surprising news as the Mets have slumped during the first half of the season. Many fans thought the firing was long coming after the Mets suffered the worst break down in baseball history when they coughed up a 7 ½ game lead with 17 games to go causing them to miss the playoffs last season.

Some disagreed with the fact that the Mets chose to fire Randolph in the middle of the night however I view it as a sign of respect. In a world where sports media produces billions of dollars a year everyone wants to be the first to break a story or get an interview. If this firing happened in the day time Randolph would be sought after for interviews and comments. Giving Willie time to reflect during the 6 to 8 hour period where America slept hopefully helped. How would you feel if you got canned and then immediately had to go in front of millions of people and talk about the fact that you no longer have a job? Shit if I ever got sacked by PesUP I would top shelf every toilet in the office.

Maybe Willie didn’t sit up all night and think about what he would say. Maybe he got his first real nights sleep in weeks. After the Sword of Damocles finally fell maybe he was finally able to relax. Sometimes knowing your future, no matter how grim is easier then wondering about it. Back in the day of public executions “mercy” was going straight to the ax. Sitting and waiting for the ax is when the torture happened.

I just pray we don’t have to sit through the race issue or the NAACP claiming if he was a white manager he would have been given more time or some crap like that. Please Jesse let this one be!

Tiger Woods Hates Canada

During a news conference at some illustrious country club (you know the kind where you don’t get in unless you’re a millionaire, the dress code consists of plaid pants boat shoes and a pink sweater, and they force you to attend tea and crumpets at noon, even if you really don’t want to go, even if you think tea and crumpets is like the gayest thing ever, even if you would rather stick pins in your testicles than attend tea and crumpets, they force you to ruin your afternoon/morning by attending this crap…..sorry I had some rich grandparents who used to drag me to these things) Tiger Woods responded to a question about the Stanley Cup Finals by saying “I don't really care. It's all about the Dodgers. I don't think anyone really watches hockey anymore”.
OK, first of all, how can jump from the NHL to the Dodgers that quickly. How are they even related?! The only thing that jumps faster than that is me when I was a kid and someone just broke open the piñata at a birthday party.
Second of all…sorry Mr. Woods (haha wood) but golf is not a sport. And the reasons why golf is not a sport:
1. Golf is not played in bad weather. (which basically puts golf on the same level as tanning)
2. There are no referees or umpires.
3. You have a person next to you whose sole purpose in life is to give you advice.
4. You can play by yourself. (I do something by myself at least 4 times a day and it isn't considered a sport...and I at least break a sweat when I do it)
5. Fat slobs (i.e. John Daly) can be good.

Sure...Why Not

Female tennis star(?) Ashley Harkleroad, announced during her post-match interview on March 25th (in which she lost to Serena Williams), that she will be appearing (NAKED) in the August issue of Playboy. Why should anyone care about this…I’ll tell you why! It’s not because she is ranked 60th in singles and 145th in doubles, it’s not because her Grand Slam record is 10-19 with 0 championships, and it’s definitely not because she has 8 ITF tour wins (International Tennis Federation...which is apparently the kindergarten of professional tennis), but rather it’ because she’s hot and blonde. Oh, I almost forgot, she’s got a nice tight butt too.

Jessica Simpson is Single

Last night TMZ reported that Jessica Simpson and Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo are officially done.

Cowboy fans are happy because she is a Cowboy pariah and has been labelled the single reason that Dallas did not win the Superbowl this year. It had nothing to do with Romo choking, the Cowboys lack of camaraderie, or individual egos being put above the team itself.

I'm happy because that hot piece is back on the market! Oh, wait...I have no chance. Ha, this story has no relevance to me. Or you...unless you have a lot of money, fame, power, and fans. So, no relevance to you either.

One and Done

In sports there are always favorites and underdogs. In both situations there is a lot of pressure. Pressure for the favorites to win championships, pressure for the underdogs to compete and to become a better team. Some times what one player or coach does in one place isn’t expectable in others. Joe Torre who won 4 World Series for his team and made the playoffs every year he managed basically got fired from the New York Yankees. If he coached in Houston or Tampa Bay, two teams that have never won a world series, this guy would have his job for the rest of his life.

Joe face unbelievable pressure to win in New York. The pressure that Joe faced was nothing compared the pressure that Greg Ryan faced as the coach of the Women’s Team USA Soccer coach (yes women play soccer, some look very hot doing it. Yes, others do look scary). Ryan coached the team for 2 years and his record during that time was 45-1-9. For those of you who do not watch sports or do not know what that means it stands for 45 wins, 1 loss, and 9 ties. He was fired this week. U.S. Soccer president Sunil Gulati (very American name) had this to say about the firing:

“I'm not going to point to any one factor or one individual decision,"

Sunil, you don’t have to point to anything. I think we can all guess why you fired him. Not for the 45 wins, not for the 9 ties but maybe just maybe for that 1 loss. Imagine getting fired for messing up one time at your job. On my first day of work I walked in to the kitchen and couldn’t figure out how to work the coffee machine. It is one of the weird ones with all the packets and options and stuff and junk. I accidentally got tea instead of coffee. Next day I would be on the damn unemployment line.

Honestly, I might be one of the only people to know that the Women’s World Cup was held last month. The World Cup happens every four years and different countries come together and play soccer. Soccer is a sport that you try to kick around ball into net. Still nothing? Oh well.

But still, all I am saying is give the guy a break, it isn’t like he made a pass at any of the girls on the team or calling the girls "bitches". No Isaiah I am not talking about you.

I love you Mia Hamm!!

Oh Donovan

Let's take a look back at Donovan McNabb's career before we starting taking jabs at him. He's a stud QB that lead Philly to 3 straight NFC Championship games. Was he getting crap before that? Not really. He was being hailed as a Choke artist (much like Peyton Manning before he FINALLY won it all last year). But in my mind, his career took a turn for the worst when he started hooking-up with Terrell Owens (Owens overdosed after that break-up).
Basically, this guy has so many things going against him. He plays in Philly. Philly booed Santa. Apparently, if you can't bring a championship, it doesn't matter if you bring toys and cheer to countless boys and girls. And then, an NAACP official knocked McNabb for being a "stereotypical" black quarterback. They Uncle-Tom'd his ass for not being white enough at quarterback due to the fact that he could scramble and he wasn't a pocket-passer. And then there was the start of the injuries that took him out late in the season in 2004. Once he got back, he lead the team to the Superbowl, but fell short on a drive near the end of the game. Owens said he was out of shape and not capable. This turned into a feud that would ruin McNabb's next year (along with 2 more injuries). Then Rush Limbaugh came out and said that because McNabb was black, the media was pulling for him to do well and that he got more credit than was due to him. McNabb responded,
"It's sad that you've got to go to skin color. I thought we were through with that whole deal".
Then, before this season, the Eagles used their 2nd round draft pick to take Kevin Kolb from Houston and mark him as their "quarterback of the future". McNabb's surgically repaired knee made him play like crap during the first 2 games of the season and the Philly fans got rowdy. So Donovan did his thing and went to Bryant Gumbel with his gripes.
"There's not that many African-American quarterbacks, so we have to do a little bit extra. Because the percentage of us playing this position, which people didn't want us to play ... is low, so we do a little extra.
"I pass for 300 yards, our team wins by seven, [mimicking] 'Ah, he could've made this throw, they would have scored if he did this."
"They don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't." - About Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning

Ok. First off. We? Now every black quarterback has elected Donovan to represent their sentiments? Second, Loki and I counted all of the black quarterbacks we could think of, considering the percentage is so low. We came up with the following list: Donovan McNabb, David Garrard, Jason Campbell, Vince Young, Steve McNair, Daunte Culpepper, Tavarius Jackson, Byron Leftwich (who'll prolly start in Atl soon), and Michael Vick (who woulda played there til his dawgs got him in trouble). That's 9. 8 of them will have started at least one game during this season. That's 25% of the league. Is that too few? Let's look at running backs. White running backs? Brian Leonard. And the only reason he's gonna get a start is cause Stephen Jackson is injured. As soon as Jackson comes back, he's number 2. Plus with all the tandem situations with RB's these days, the 1/32 teams (3.25%) of white running backs is actually smaller since there are about 45-50 running backs that get regular playing time each week.

Donovan-
It's sad that you've got to go to skin color. I thought we were through with that whole deal.

Impossible

In a shocking turn of events, 10 WWE wrestlers have been suspended for steroid use… WHAT!?!?!? I know, I am just as shocked as you are. I can’t believe guys that look like that D-bag are on steroids. That looks all natural to me. I mean he kind of looks small compared to the guy in that mirror… oh yeah ladies…

What I don’t understand is, these guys aren’t really competing. *This just in: wrestling is fake* why are they getting kicked out for steroid use? There is no advantage when everything is scripted. If I take steroids can my job fire me? I mean they would probably have to fire me because all the women in my office would stop working and follow me around like lost puppies. But can they fire me just for using? Maybe they can, maybe they can’t, but all I know is I haven’t watched wrestling since I was 6 and even then I never thought it would be awesome to wear Speedo’s and rub on other men.

I can understand people wanting steroids out of real sports, a place where steroids can change things that actually matter to people. But taking steroids out of wrestling would be like taking Indian’s out of cab driving. It is a good idea, but then there will be only 6 cabs left.

It's over for Vick

Being a huge sports fan I struggled deciding what would be the content of this blog. I decided to go with the whole making fun of the news thing and really tried to stay away from sports. Well sometimes you can’t stick to your guns and you have to go back to your roots. Finally Please Everyone Shut Up is going to tell their view on these Michael Vick allegations.

I think they are absolutely despicable and he should be put in a federal “raw dog butt bump” prison. The crimes he has committed are so heinous that anything less than life in prison or the death penalty would make the legal system look weaker than Mind of Mencia's ratings.

Some might say “Jesus Murdoch, life in prison for Dog Fighting?” And I would reply, “My name is Mr. Murdoch!” Then he would say, “Oh sorry Mr. Murdoch.” Then I would say, “It’s OK, just don’t do it again. To answer your question, No, I am not talking about the just the dog fighting. I am talking about all the crimes Jonathan Lee Riches, is accusing him of from his jail cell in South Carolina." Riches, is suing Vick for $63,000,000,000 (yes, that is billion) backed by gold and silver to be delivered to the front of the jail in UPS boxes.

He accuses Vick with a number of allegations including but not limited too: Stealing his dogs and selling them on eBay, copyright infringement, Identity theft, subjecting Riches to microwave testing (does this mean offering him a hot pocket?), swearing Allegiance to Al-Qaeda and (my personal favorite) using drugs in School Zones.

So inmate Riches, obviously a very trustworthy guy, is accusing Vick of all this and we are letting him walk the streets? No, not in my country! There should be no trial, no jury, straight to execution… Who is with me?

Rufio, Rufio, Rufio!!!!

Pacman Jones Wrestling?

No I am not talking about wrestling with his inner demons or wrestling with his legal problems I am talking about actually wrestling. He has been hired by second rate wrestling Federation TNA. I guess Pacman views this as a way to make some money as he sits out for the NFL season because of his multiple legal problems. Of course the Tennessee Titans have ban him from doing any physical activity for TNA but just the fact that he wants to participate in this is what gets me.

Will wrestling help Pacman Jones? Yes it will, it will help him like Ryder helped the Timothy McVeigh (to much?). Letting a guy with a laundry list of legal problems go into an event in which people are hitting, throwing and dressing (spandex, no lie) like they do is not going to help anything.

Pacman you want something to help you? How about staying out of trouble, keeping a low profile, volunteering at a hospital, and oh yeah, and not shooting people? That one is a big one.

Matt Murphy's Bullshit Souvenier

Congratulations, Matt Murphy. This is the tool that caught Bonds' 756th homer. Way to break that record Barry; we're real proud of you. Hank Aaron did it in the days of larger parks, less health and fitness knowledge, oh and lest we forget - NO F*CKING STEROIDS. This record is a sham and that ball is garbage. I'm sure you'll get a lot of money for it, Murphy, but it's like getting the 1919 Blacksox series winning ball or a tip from Pete Rose (attained through ill-begotten betting money). Personally, I'd rather have Hollyfield's ear or Barbaro's leg (RIP). At least those gems would've come from real winners.

Beckham is to the US as ____ is to Bill Gates…..

A) His whole fortune
B) Half his fortune
C) $20
D) I still don't care about soccer

CORRESCT ANSWER: C (Although I'm sure most of you picked D, the correct answer is C and here's why.)

First off let us analyze the game of soccer....from an American point of view. I remeber being a young boy and counting down the minutes until recess so I could go outside and be with my best friends for a good ole game of soccer. Man those were the days, a nice lite lunch followed by 45 minutes of intense competition with the best kids in my school. I remeber pretending to be some of my favorite players from around the world, and imitating their every move. Sometimes I would pretend to switch players so I could have the amazing attributes of each player. My most fondest memory of soccer had to be when my team and I won the 4th grade soccer tournament. A tournament spanning 3 recesses my fellow teamates and I defeated 2 other teams to be crowned the 4th grade champions. I remeber it like it was yesterday. We were tied at 9-9 and recess was about to be over....the ball rolled to be ever so gently...skipping over all the rocks and braches so it wouldn't take a bad hop.....it was like destiny....and then I kicked the ball with all my strength and...BAM! INSIDE THE PARK HOME RUN!!!! We had won 10-9 and everyone in the grade wanted to be my friend....ah those were the days. I still don't understand why we Americans refer to kickball as soccer in this country, I always found that a little wierd. Oh wait a minute....football is called soccer in other countries??? Thats weird....what the hell is soccer?!


So you see my friends, the reason why C is the correct answer is because although Beckham is a tremendous athlete (at soccer) it really doesn't change how anyone feels about life. If Bill Gates came across a twenty dollar bill he would simply smile for a second or two, and then put the money in his back pocket, probabbly forgetting about it, and finding it in the exact same pocket a week later after his maid had washed his clothes...