The Plug-In Electric: The Apex of Societal Retardation

Struggling manufacturer, General Motors, is in process of developing the Chevy Volt, a plug in electric that gets 40 miles from a lithium-ion battery pack and can be recharged through being plugged into a standard outlet, by 2010. People, being sheep, are in a tizzy over this "gas-saving wonder". Sites like GM-Volt.com, have over 33,000 people signed up on unofficial waiting lists (although the average price people are willing to pay is $32,000; while Chevy has affixed a $40,000 sticker to this vehicle). Doesn't the Volt sound too good to be true?

Well, here's a shocker to the 33,000 idiots that are signed up on the fake Volt waiting lists - it is! The theory behind the gas saving plug-in electric car is a farce. Let's take a look at how the Volt draws energy: through being plugged into a wall outlet. Let's see...where does the energy in a wall outlet come from? Electricity, right? Right. Now let's extrapolate a step further. Where does electricity come from? It comes from a power plant. A power plant converts GASOLINE and NATURAL GAS from their current forms into electricity and distributes the charged electrons from the power plant to the wall outlet in your home. In other words, electricity is derived from gasoline. But here's the kicker: gasoline in your gas tank may be more efficient than gasoline that has to first be converted into electricity at a power plant and then distributed, losing a large amount of charged electrons along the way due to entropy and inertia. Not to mention, only being able to get 40 miles to a charged battery pack is nothing. You WILL get stuck. A lot.

The plug-in electric hybrid is a farce. It does not save on gas and may ultimately be more INefficient. If you want to save on gasoline or stop support the oil exporters, buy a car that can run on bio-diesel. Then you can take the discarded oil from McDonalds (or your personal fryer, fatty) and run a car on that. Or buy a compact and read a hyper-miler's handbook. PT Barnum said it best, "There's a sucker born every minute". Don't be that guy.

You Should be Thankful I'm not a Research Scientist

I'm always reading about how my tax money is being pumped into some dumb-ass study on the effects of cow farts on the o-zone or the impact of "global warming", which Futurama accurately predicted is a farce since it will eventually be offset by nuclear winter anyway; there's nothing to worry about. I think a funnier study would be the impact of really fat people's farts on the o-zone layer. If fat people's flatulence severely impacts the o-zone, I'm all for sending them to the moon. They'd be thrilled anyway...because it's made of cheese.

In reading the news on a daily basis, I've realized that as long as you pitch it well, you can get ANY research project funded. You just need to address the right audience with the right words. My research project would be called "You're all just a bunch of pee-drinking shit-eaters".

The basic idea behind this principle is that there is plenty of urine that goes into our bodies of water and plenty more that is evaporated into the air. Think about it, there are 7 billion people peeing 3 - 6 times a day. That's a lot of piss. Now those same people are dropping on average one deuce a day. And that goes into our water. Water irrigates our crops, evaporates into the air and comes pouring back down on us, goes into the beverages that we consume. Oh also, there's plenty of semen and vomit following the same patterns (my guess is in far smaller quantities though).

I'd be willing to bet the average person indirectly consumes something like 8 gallons of recycled piss, 3 lbs of recycled shit, and 6 quarts of recycled semen during their lifetime; or significantly more for any female that's been on a Czech porn site. So next time you're consuming your Dasani, think about the fact of how much of other people's excrement you're consuming. On that note, I'm hungry - I'm gonna go get lunch.