What Do Tina Turner and Cuba Have in Common?

Ike smacked the crap outta them.

"This has been a curse on Cuba," said Vanessa Rincon, 46, as she waited in a long line at a Havana grocery store, holding a handcart full of candles, water, crackers, bread, soft drinks and chocolate. "We were spared for so long but now we're coming face to face with hell. Our luck has run out."

I agree. This is what Commies get. Plus, I bet one of the Castro's had her killed shortly after for defaming her country. My thought is that Kim Jong Il and a renegade Soviet have stumbled upon a weather-making machine from the days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. First Katrina, then Gustav, now Ike. Think. Katrina (Russian), Gustav (German/Russian), Ike (Tina Turner beater, therefore un-American). To cover their tracks of trying to blow up the Gulf-Coast oil reserves, they had to martyr Cuba. Will these Commies stop at nothing!!!???!!!

Whatcha Talkin' About Willis?

Everybody's 2nd favorite famous 80's black child-actor that had a growth disease (I've always liked Webster's Emmanuel Lewis best) Gary Coleman done went and hit a man with his truck. The story goes, Coleman was in a bowling alley, a fan wanted a picture of or with him, Gary didn't want the fan to have that picture. The fan took it anyway. Coleman pulled out of his parking spot and hit him later in the night.

Wow. You can't make that up. Little people driving trucks. Can he even see over the dash? Cause that would be a totally acceptable defense. It was an accident. He's three feet tall. He couldn't see.

I think back to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Short-round sits on phone books and has huge platform shoes to drive the taxi. "Docta Jones, Docta Jones, you snap one more picta of me, I drive ova you!" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Doctor Jones???" Yeah, that's awesome.

Heart Attack!

Members of the band Heart are furious that Sarah Palin's intro song is their late 70's hit Barracuda. If you know the song, it's pretty fun and it's also on one of the Guitar Hero games. It goes something like this:

[Low electric distorted guitar]
Dun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duh duhdah

[weird screechy singing]
You lying so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me
You'd have me down down down down on my knees
Now wouldn't you, barracuda?

Sarah Palin (a.k.a. Loki's newest crush, a.k.a. Sarah Barracuda from her high school basketball days) is probably THE most important vice-presidential candidate in US history. Think about it. Does anyone care what Biden does? He's just Biden his time (haha, sorry, that was crappy). But if McCain were to win the election somehow, he could die within 20 minutes of inauguration being 375 years old. Never before has anyone expected the Pres to die of old age in office. This could happen, and we could have a semi-hotty hockey mom with a slutty daughter as the first female President of the US.

So Heart is mad. They, like all other musicians and actors, are unabashedly liberal. Which I don't get. They basically get paid inordinate amounts of money, give SOME of it back. I know Brangelina is amazing and whatever, but they just bought a friggin' $70 million vineyard in France, and something tells me they could've done with a lavish $2 million and given $68 million to some country in Africa where all the citizens' yearly income together is less. And yet they pretend to care about the common man, or the blue-collar worker. They suck! They sit around for 2-3 hours a day getting their hair and make-up done, 3 hours with a personal trainer, and then they act like they're someone cool. And then they collect. Or with rock stars, they just sit on a pimped-out bus and do drugs, have sex, and tour the country. Boo-hoo. So don't pretend like you care. And if someone wants to use your music, or your catch phrase, or your likeness, deal with it. That's what you get paid for. Like your music has THAT much influence where it'll sway someone to vote for the McCain ticket. Get over yourself.

Paris Hilton Falls Prey To Password Hacker...So Do 12 Year Olds

Yes, that's correct. Like many other Americans, Paris has had her computer password stolen by hackers using sophisticated XxHAXORxX techniques...like e-mail and AIM. Apparently these password stealing people are a huge problem because some guy wrote an article about it, and I actually bothered to read it (the whole thing too).

Honestly, when the hell was the last time you heard of anyone getting their password stolen like this... 1, maybe 2 DECADES ago? Jesus Christ I remember when I was around 13 and me any my friends used to sit around and try to steal our friend's passwords the exact same way. I think it worked once...and only because we tried it on his little brother, who was fucking 7 at the moment.

Lastly, I love how this article uses Paris Hilton as its test subject. Like OMG if Paris fell for it...anyone could! I say good job to those hackers. They studied their opponents and went for the weakest link. Like when a tiger attacks the baby antelope in a herd grazing the fields of the African plains. Except in this scenario, Paris is still alive. God damnit Paris stop ruining Darwinism.

An Elephant Never... um... Forgets?

Well. They've done it. They've FINALLY gotten an elephant off of heroine. About time. I keep seeing those elephants on the street trying to offer me peanuts for blow. And this one Babar guy keeps trying to hang out with me, when we both know the last time he was around, he stole my watch to sell it for crack. Don't believe me? Read the story linked to the picture.

This one elephant's traders fed him heroine-laced bananas to keep him manageable. The Chinese government found out, and they put the goofy bastard on an island for rehab for 3 years, all the while shooting it with 5 times the human dose of methadone. Now he's clean and making all his amends from the 12-step program. I've heard he's accepted that there is a higher power, but I'm still waiting on my call.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. And no, I don't think we can trick Amy Winehouse into a vacation on a remote Chinese island, even if we DO tell her they'd shoot her up with 5 times the human dose of methadone. She needs at least 10. And she ain't goin' to rehab. No, no, no.

Fight Fire with Cry-er

Now, you're gonna think I'm crazy. And I am. Crazy like a FOX!!! But bear with me here.

The article above (linked to the picture) explains that children are up to 3 times as fire retardant as their mothers. When babies drool on the tv remote or lick the tv or do whatever they do while you're watching Tyra and basically ignoring them being a terrible mother, they imbibe fire retardant chemicals which pool in their blood.

After animal testing (I'm all for it, those little bastards should learn algebra like everyone else), it was determined that this could lead to reproductive problems down the road, or hyperactivity. But thus far, no problems have been found in humans.

So, I say we feed kids this stuff on their Cheerios. Then we dress them up all cute, and send them into burning buildings. Think about it.

1) Fiscal Responsibility. Why pay fire fighters and their families pensions? Babies don't have kids or husbands/wives. That's gross. Plus, if we're feeding them this stuff, odds are they won't be fertile anyways. We could probably get away with just giving them happy meals. Those things are like 3 bucks tops.

2) Babies are small. You ever see a movie where the firefighter gets stuck under something and ultimately dies sacrificing himself for a lost child? Babies wouldn't get stuck! They can crawl out of anything. They're the size of bowling balls, and there ain't much that can trap one of them.

3) THESE babies will be immune to fire. Fire retardant? Check! They'd be like tiny dragons.

4) Babies are lazy. What have babies done for us besides being extremely cute and crapping and crying? Get a job!

(Paid for by Mr. Book for President)

Tatum Bell-Boy

The above picture is of former Detroit Lions running back Tatum Bell. Now, good ole Tatum was picked up by Detroit last year from the Denver Broncos. He didn't play much all season and this year he was about to be overshadowed by rookie running back Kevan Smith.

The Cincinnati Bengals had freshly cut their old starting running back, Rudi Johnson, who had been in and out of the team doctor's office with injury after injury. When Rudi was healthy, he was a strong running back, and had even made the Pro-Bowl. So the Lions invited him up for a workout, and before you know it, they sign Johnson.

This of course did not please Tatum Bell. Within a few days, Rudi was on the team, and Detroit cut Bell. As a going away gift, Tatum went into the locker room and stole two Gucci bags that Johnson had been given as a present for going to the Pro-Bowl. The Lions had security footage showing Bell take the bags. Johnson was infuriated and apparently Bell told him that he mistook the bags for another player's and delivered the luggage to a female companion of said player.

A woman eventually appeared at team headquarters with the bags, but they were empty. Johnson stood to lose credit cards, his ID, underwear and gym socks. He cancelled his credit cards, but not the underwear...

Now, is anyone surprised a football player stole another football player's luggage? No. 3 players in the past 18 months have been shot, with 2 deaths and the current victim (Jacksonville Jaguar's Offensive Lineman Richard Collier) in critical condition. What I'm surprised with is that this man had Gucci bags. These guys are supposed to be all thug and tough, but they walk around with their Gucci bags and their Perrier, and their pinkies held up as they sip their Earl Grey.

Plus, I heard that the bags went MUCH better with what Bell was wearing that day, so all charges were dropped.

In the Pipelines

Because celebrities have been boring lately, the fine fellas of PESUp have decided to make their own news. You see, while appearing to be lazy the past few weeks, we've actually been hard at work behind the scenes... filming a short film. McNugget, Murdoch, Loki, and myself have been producing, filming, directing, and starring in our first film *Not our REAL first, but the first one that has actual production value*. It's currently in the edit stage, and we have one more scene to film. We'll put it up on YouTube and link it directly once we're done. For a special few of you (maybe a contest winner or something???) we'll send out a DVD, complete with blooper-reel.

We've also made some bumperstickers that are basically our logo with a snazzy catch-phrase. I know we've arranged for Sara and Puck to have some. If you'd like one, just comment.

For better news...



The possible Vice-President's daughter is preggo. No, not the sauce. But she's 17, and it seems like she must lika the sauce...

Pro AND College Football are officially both back as of Thursday night. The defending Superbowl champions play the 'Skins, and the 18-1 wonders play the KC Chiefs.

This means that Fantasy football is back. And I love it. I hope Tom Brady has a disgusting 95 touchdowns this year, and that he doesn't choke until the playoffs again like last year.

TV fall line-ups will start in full swing. Some shows have even returned. Plus, it's always fun to see which crappy new shows will bomb while they replace old favorites that were cancelled way before their time.

Fall is in the air. Everything cools down a bit, reminds you of going to school or college, and you begin to have a unique blend of nostalgia/suicidal tendencies longing for before you had to work 8-12 hours a day doing boring stuff in front of a computer.

Take care for now!

Heidi Montag's New Single is a Hit

Heidi Montag's new single, Overdosin' is now available for your viewing pleasure:



Wait? No, not pleasure. What's the opposite of pleasure?

The new video is supposed to be a spoof (I think) on 80's workout videos a la Jane Fonda. However, a spoof is no excuse why her mouth cannot be synched up with the lyrics. She's truly taken campy to a whole new level. On the plus side, this song is slightly less bad than the rest of the crap she's put out thus far. And it's better than Scarlett Johannsen's song. But, in Scarlett's defense, she has MUCH bigger cans. And hers are real.

Although Heidi's music continues to be crap, I like the message. But instead of love, Heidi and Spencer should overdose on something a little stronger. Like bleach. Or oven cleaner.

Also, the Japanese, while smart and efficient, tend to mostly come in compact.

It's Been a Good Day for Photos

I've been having trouble keeping it in my pants all day. This morning, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a picture of a 27 month pregnant Minnie Driver. I never found skinny Minnie to be attractive. Now add to that another 75 lbs and subtract a hair and make up artist. I am in for a treat!


Next, I found out that Julie Roberts went from being an average looking chick with DSLs to a flatso. Seriously, this chick is making $20 million dollars per movie, whereas I am only making $200 per scene for, ahem, similar type work. And she only looks slightly better than me in a bikini...


Kelly Osbourne, on the other hand, has been looking HOT lately. I think it's the new tattoo...


With beauties like this roaming the globe, I have no clue what prevents me from being a rapist. Just kidding! It's my parole officer. She's a hardass...

Celeb Round-Up

I know. We suck. Myself and the future Mrs. Book were on a romantic vacation after Loki and I attended a wedding (hint hint, let's just say the bride was very de-generous). Mr. Murdoch celebrated his birthday by being sick most of the week, and McNugget, well, is McNugget and never posts despite his lack of a job during the week.

But alot has happened in the celebrity world recently, and we'd like to keep you abreast of the situation.

Speaking of abreast...
Apparently Hollywood is under some sort of bra and panties shortage in the past few years. First there was Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan all flashing their coochies getting out of a car. Then there was Lily Allen falling out of a shirt like 30 times despite her A-cup warriors. And now it's remarkable if you see Katie Holmes or Lindsay Lohan out WEARING a bra. (When will they learn that sheer black fabric with photo flashes is like spraying a cold hose onto a white t-shirt?)

The Golden Boy
Question: How much does it take to get a meeting with Lindsay Lohan?
Answer: 8 Gold Medals
Michael "Breaststroker" Phelps (it's a little nickname we have, you'd understand it if you knew him as well as I do) said 4 years ago that he was really into Lindsay Lohan. Then he had only 6 gold medals and 2 bronze. Now that he has 8 from Beijing, Lindsay finally wants to meet with him. Also, she's been off the man-meat so long, she'd prolly hit anything.

Surprising News
Amy Winehouse was reportedly see doing coke in public. Katherine Heigl is still an uppity bitch that badmouths anyone working with her and has a skewed view of her place in the universe. Heidi Montag still can't sing, but that won't stop her from making records.

Wrap a pink ribbon 'round the old oak tree...
Kelly Bundy (Samantha Who? for you chicks) had her boobs scooped out. I really hate cancer. But I think breast cancer is the cruelest form. One day they're sitting there pretty, and the next, some doctor is trying to rip them off saying you'll die if you don't. If I could make a gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make one that kills Shia LaBeouf. If I could make a second gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make THAT one kill breast cancer. Yeah, that's just how much I hate it. It's SOOOO close to Shia. And everyone knows how much I hate him.

Ahhhhhhh! Moment
McCauley Culkin has been dating Mila Kunis for years and they're listed as "domestic partners" on wikipedia. What the hell. Things like this is why we have the site. Bleh.

Brain Dead Americans

Fucking Americans... Are we so fucking stupid that we are entertained by "reality" TV. These Jackasses normal people picked to compete in some sort of competition in which the winner betters their life some how as America sits there like a bunch of stogies rooting for their favorites.

American Idol? How the fuck can there be 8 seasons of that shit? Wasn't it made to find the best singer? I mean once the first person won isn't the next winner the second best singer? Who gives a shit about the second best anything?

Well now the reason for this post, a brand new reality TV show is coming out in early September. The show is called "Hole in the Wall". Contestants will be standing on a platform over a pool as a wall moves closer to them. Then the person has to jump/duck/position themselves correctly to fit through the hole in the wall (such a clever name). If they do this they probably win money or some shit.

Oh you don't believe me?




You know what? On second thought I am going to watch this show in hopes that someone gets terribly injured. Don't get me wrong, I don't hope any individual harm. However I hope the masses learn from the death of one asshole on a stupid show.

Shit if it keeps up like this TV shows won't need writers anymore... What else are the PESUP crew and jewish people going to do?

Modanna is One of the Signs Revelations Warned Us About

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE END MY FRIENDS!

This picture is irrefutable proof that the four horsemen of the Apocalypse have ascended to Earth to claim the souls of the wicked. You are looking at a picture of Famine. No word yet on where her horse is or the location of the other 3 horsemen, however you can not deny this fact: The end of the world is here.

What? Are you trying to tell me this is Madonna? You mean to tell me this is the singer from the 80's Madonna?

Hey, I was raised Catholic I think I would know what the horsemen look like and I say that is definitely it.

Ellen Degeneres to Wed This Weekend

Ellen Degeneres and long time girlfriend, Amanda Lee Rogers (yes, she changed her name TO Portia De Rossi) will be getting married this weekend, and I think everybody is with me when I ask: would a handy from Ellen Degeneres make me gay?

On one hand, I bet she has pretty strong, rough hands and she looooves the vag, which would make the answer lean towards yes. On the other hand, she technically has a vag and it would be HILARIOUS to see her trying to work my bone. It would be like watching a retard with a Rubik’s cube. First, he’d try to fuck it. When that didn’t work, he’d try to eat it, throw pudding at it, and then attempt to fuck it again (in that order). Yeah, Ellen and Lil’ Lok’ would get along famously. Maybe they could even get a sitcom...

Sports Update: Nothing Nastia about Her

What's up today?

US Women's Gymnastics kicks ass. Nastia Liukin won Gold and Shawn Johnson won Silver, despite the judges clearly cheating and giving them shittier scores than the Chinese. Now what's that you say? Didn't know I was a gymnastics fan? I'm not. I'm a gymNASTIA fan. That girl is skinny, blond, short, barely legal, and so flexible, she could probably wrap her legs around her head... twice. Plus now she's famous, and that leads to rich.

But she and I could never make it. She'd blow her fortunes on Chalk and Wrist Braces (what's with gymnasts and chalk?). And as soon as she allowed her body to take the natural growth spurt by not prolonging whatever voodoo magic gymnasts use, she probably wouldn't be as flexible and skinny. But it's ok. The breakup would be better than our second story.


These two broke up.

If you don't know them, they're Mike Francesa and Chris Russo from Mike & the Maddog fame. They had been together for 19 years as radio personalities in the NYC metro-area. Last evening, while on vacation, Chris "Maddog" Russo had enough and quit the station.

For anyone that's been listening lately, this SUCKS. Why? Dynamic dead? No, they pretty much hated each other, and you could tell on the air. It's cause both of them have been taking vacation every other week, so that they didn't have to be around each other. And they SUCK doing a show by themselves. Mike with his boring atonal voice just drags on about the Yankee glory days and Russo just talks about Tennis and Bruce Springsteen concerts since his San Francisco Giants suck.

Together the droning voice and high-pitched nasal squeal would be somewhat charming. But alone... Tune into another station...