Best Line Ever

Man in a Cave

This is a picture of a man in a cave. I don't know what he is doing in the cave. Do you? Maybe he lost his favorite hat and it is too dark in there for him to find it. That could be the reason, although it probably isn't.

Maybe he is looking for a bear to share some of the honey he purchased at the grocery store. He finds it sweet and delicious so he wants a new bear friend to enjoy it with him. That probably isn't it either.

Why is he in the cave?

Ricky Martin

So, Ricky Martin is gay... yawn... so like, what else is new?

I Don't Remember Setting My Alarm

This story is 100% true. It is an old story but I figured, what the hell.

Fuckkkkkkkk. Fuckkkkkk. Blame it on the al al alcohol, blasted as I awoke from a deep slumber. I noticed my figures were separated slightly which made me nervous. I opened my eyes and realized... I had no fucking clue where I was. The music was coming from an alarm clock way across the room. The tv was on playing the news. My fingers felt something alien to them. There was another hand in my hand! I felt the springs of the bed move on their own, magic bed?(that's what I thought too) but no! There was another person in the bed! A girl person!

She got up and walked over to the alarm clock and changed the dial, finally finding a top 40's channel that was playing a shitty song she liked. The night rushed back to me... Leaving tobers... Going to the Shannon... Cutting a long line of d-bags... Shots...shots... Dancing... Shots... Then, a girl. The dame currently changing radio stations. Why would a girl want to listen to Chris Brown at 8:50 am and why would she set her alarm on a Sunday? Fuck! Mothers day!

I decide I should get up and leave. I am quite discouraged when I see my clothes neatly placed in the corner of the room... My nuts also had a head ache... I looked across the room at the woman I had hibernated with the prior night, shit... I don't remember her name! Cup of noodles flashes into my mind. Then she says "I am still drunk" a sentiment I shared. I make a move for the door, when I realize I don't have this girls number. Normally I wouldn't give a shit however I had just promised myself that I would start calling girls for "dates" and completely change my game. So I began the awkward number acquiring by saying "I didn't get your number, here is my phone... Put it in." She couldn't figure out my phone however I found out her name... Pam... But not the huge titted asian kind... The trashy, bring a guy home, not have sex with him, let him eat cup if noodles on her couch at 4am kind.

I opened her door to the sunny Hoboken street. I walked to the corner to find I am on Jefferson and Second. Panic sets in... I have to get home... Buy a card... Buy flowers... Be a good son. So I began my walk to the PATH. I reached into my pocket and felt a piece of paper. Right then I knew what this piece of paper was from, last night I broke out the credit card. I pulled it out 44 dollars... Not bad. a second time I went into my pocket for my phone and felt another piece of paper... 34 dollars. Ouch... I still did not get my phone. One more time my hand enter my pocket to find... Another fucking receipt. Unreal.

I stopped at CVS and purchased a Mothers Day card and a Gatorade. I ran home showered, hopped in a cab to Penn Station. Barely caught my train home, Happy Mothers day.

Scooby Doo, PESUP

Hey Guys,

Sorry for the delay, Please Everyone Shut Up has created its first YouTube video. Please watch it and love it and tell everyone.



Hope you guys enjoy.

Oh yeah, WE ARE COMING BACK!

Save the Boobs!

Hi friends, in honor of Lee's Denim Day, I'm offering to provide breast exams fully free of charge to the first 100 women to participate in this exclusive offer. Restrictions apply: no fatties or uggos, unless the uggos have crazy good bodies and wear bags over their head and promise never to show me their faces.

In all seriousness, please click the link above and donate a few bucks to breast cancer research - 1 in 9 women in the world will develop breast cancer and 1 out of every 2 people you know have breasts (plus, here's a little known fact: men can actually get breast cancer, but we try to macho it up by saying "pec cancer" or "chest cancer"). Unfortunately, this disease has a high chance of hitting close to home at some point in your life.

But seriously, boobs...

OK! Magaine Lies More Than Scientology...And Doesn't Even Use Aliens

What your looking at is this months cover of OK! magazine (I noticed this while I was at the Supermarket trying to decide on which candy bar I was going to purchase. I went with the Milky Way, its safe, consistent, and durable...it's basically the Toyota Camry of candy bars). OK! Magazine has just accomplished the impossible...they used the words Kim Kardashian and Thin in the same sentence.

Well, I attempted to read this poor excuse for an article and I was astonished. Apparently you can still be skinny even though you have giant curves and an ass the size of Texas. Now, I'm not saying that Kim is fat, not gonna lie I would hit it, but shes in no way skinny. Mischa Barton is skinny, Kate Hudson is skinny, Kim Kardashian has a giant ass. Imagine if I went around saying that I'm skinny, just that my giant gut and thick wrists are curvy. See?

A Good Cup of Coffee.

Coffee... the second best thing you can get in the morning... the first, is oral.

Please Everyone Shut Up… Not everyone is gay, just most people.

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David Blaine… Please Shut Up

“Magician” David Blaine preformed another one of his stunts in Central Park this week. Oh you didn’t hear about it? That’s weird considering David Blaine is still such a big star.

Blaine hung upside-down for 60 hours. Yup, hung upside-down, now that’s fucking magic. Just as magical as that time he laid in a grave for a week with no food. Yup, not eating, magic. Or that time he was underwater for 4 days and he was breathing in scuba gear. Yeah, I can’t even make up something that is magical about that one.

What the fuck David! Make a quarter disappear and then reappear behind my ear. That is magic… not eating for a week, that isn’t magic, that’s starving! Fucking homeless people do that all the time. They can also make a quarter disappear, however they never make it reappear. That is why they are homeless and not magicians.

So David either do some magic or go away. No one cares about the dumb shit you do. What’s next? You’re not going to shave for a month? Holy shit, this guy can do anything!!!

Reason Number 69 (heh heh) Why I Love Soap Operas

Mischa Barton, star of the smash hit, but short lived TV series The O.C. had a little too much fun last night at the Fashion Relief Show in London. I don't really know what the Fashion Relief Show is... but by looking at this picture it has something to do with relieving someone of their clothes.




All I wanna know is, where do I sign up for next years event, is there a waiting list, and of course what type of meals will be served at this event. To save some time if anyone knows the answers to these questions go something along the lines of online, no waiting list, and vegetable platters...my response would have to be "Well then I'm sorry but the first two sound great to me, but unfortunately I cannot deal with the last one. Thank you for your time, and I hope next year you will consider some type of Buffet style event as I would love to attend". PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!

Next on the Auction Block, This Fine Young Lady's Hymen

click this link for article
This lovely young lady, going by the alias Natalie Dylan, is auctioning her virginity to help pay for her graduate school because "[She] wants to earn her Master's degree without having to work while doing her studies." I applaud Natalie for her extreme laziness. Hmmm, work for 4 years or get felt up/wrecked by some creepy old guy? It's a toss up.

Dylan's taken a polygraph test and is willing to undergo a medical exam to prove her v-card status. Man she's lucky that it's still in tact. My ex-girlfriend lost hers while she was riding a horse. And then again after having sex with several men.

Apparently, hundreds of offers have already come in, most (I'm guessing) are from lonely, old guys. Some offers on the table have been from male virgins. Dennis Hof, who is helping organize/legitimize the auction, says Natalie will be considering may factors in determining who she will make the lucky man, who will have an awkward, bloody, painful (on her end) good time. She'll be considering the amount of money offered and the man's personality. "She wants to be with a nice person that is going to help her continue her education," said Hof. Don't we all, Dennis? Don't we all...

Let's be honest here. She's cute, but not quarter of a mill cute...unless I get to keep her when I'm done.

Britney's New Album Drops this December

Following her mega-hit album, Blackout, Britney Spears will be dropping her hotly anticipated album, Circus, this December. Oh shit, I forgot sarcasm does not translate well when typed.

When asked for a comment about Circus, Britney replied, "Circus? I like dem monkies. Dey always touchin' theyselves. This one time, I done seen one scratch his butt and then he done fell off the tree..." Ms. Spears continued talking but I tuned out.

Three things I look forward to dropping more than the new Britney album:
1. Rosie O'Donnell's bowel movement after half a cheese cake, two glasses of milk, and a 7 course meal at El Cholo
2. A meteor
3. My white blood cell count

NOT a Note Worthly Conspiracy Thoery

9.11 brings out feelings in every American. Some are saddened by the people who were lost, some feel fearful of another attack, Texans feel they should buy a gun and fire wildly into the sky and some (loser assholes) feel 9.11 was a government conspiracy.

While walking past the World Trade Center this morning I saw many people morning and honoring the fallen men and women. Some in tears, some holding flags, but there was a collective sense of togetherness as we can all agree that what happened 7 years ago was a terrible act of cowardice.

When I finally got through the crowd (I was 25 minutes late for work) I saw another group of people wearing the shirt shown above. They stood completely by themselves armed with unkempt facial hair, glasses and guts. These Michael Moore want-to-bes leaned against a building breathing heavily as this has been the most physical thing they have done in the last 10 years.

They claim they are there to make people think, it sure made me think. “These guys are all Jerkoffs.”

They claim that they have proof, they sure proved a lot of things to me. 1) They proved that they don’t have jobs. Who can afford to sit out there all day and just hang out? It's a fucking Thursday. 2) They proved that without jobs they definitely live in their mother’s basement and play computer games all day.

Who needs girls when you have World of Warcraft and Hot Pockets?

A Note Worthy Conspiracy Theory

I am not a sweet-tooth. I have always preferred chips and beer over candy and milk shakes. I really like salt and I find that nothing compliments chips, pretzels and hot wings (I don't care if they aren't salty, they are fucking awesome) better than a nice frosty brew. So you can understand my amazement when I stumbled upon a tiny piece of chocolate named Mr. Goodbar.

I looked up the ingredient and they were quite simple: chocolate and peanuts. Who hasn't had those two together, they are an epic combination. Yet still I didn't see anything to go nuts (stupid puns) about. I opened the cleverly named bar and popped it in my mouth. Then I shouted the first thing that came to my mind.

“What the fuck Mr. Goodbar!” at which my co-workers looked at me in shock.

That little chocolate man created such a delicious explosion in my mouth, I could hardly contain myself. After re-examining the wrapper for the hidden ingredient, I saw that there was none. I immediately took another bar and ran back to my desk.

From there I hung Mr. Goodbar upside down and dipped him in and out of water as I yelled (they really shouldn't tell the American public how they torture people, waterboarding is really easy to do).

“What is in you, you son of a bitch!?” “Why are you so fucking delicious?!” “You better start fucking talking?!”

Yet he wouldn't. He was as stoic as a statue. I could appreciate this as a man, however I thought to myself, “I must break him.” This is when I went back to the bag of mini candy bars and noticed that Mr. Goodbar had a wife. Her name: Krackel.

Soon after my threats against Krackel's life, I broke Mr. Goodbar. It seems he couldn't handle watching me crack her crispies. Defeated, he told me the secrets of his genetic make-up. It seems in the 60’s there was an adjustment to the composition of the bar when more “peanuts” were added… More peanuts, sure, you call it peanuts, I call it heroin. That’s right! Heroin, in your chocolate, yup you heard it here.

Fuck me, I need another fix of Mr. Goodbar.