G. I. Joes, a really big mistake?

The G.I. Joe live action movie is set to come out in August 2009. When I heard about the project it peeked my interests as it would any boy my age (or 10 to 15 years younger then me). However, I was very skeptical of the project considering I have seen many of my favorite childhood cartoons and video games turned into movies and, well, lets just say they didn’t live up to expectations. Here is a quick list:
1) Transformers
2) The Punisher
3) The Incredible Hulk
4) Doom
5) Street Fighter
6) Fantastic Four
7) X-men 2 and 3
8) He man
9) Superman Returns
10) Batman 1-5
11) Alvin and the Chipmunks
12) Garfield
13) The Flintstones
14) Underdog

That took two seconds. The only good ones I can come up with right now are Mortal Kombat and Beetle Juice. They kicked ass!

So due to my cynical nature I decided to do a little research about the G.I Joe project. Below is an excerpt from my internal debate about whether the movie will be good or not:

“Oh, Snakeeyes looks sick. That is good stuff. Wait… who is that playing Hawk? No no no no NO NO NO NO NO COME ON!!!! Shit ass piss, anal rippage, turd burger. Dennis Quaid? COME ON. He is one step away from being Kevin Costner. Who is Dwayne Johnson? That name looks familiar… THE ROCK?!?!?! Oh god kill me now what are they doing? The Rock he is terrible, he hasn’t been in a good movie since… since… ummm….”

“Ok, maybe they can redeem themselves. There are a lot of characters in the G.I. Joe world. Who do they have playing Cobra Commander? ….Oh My God… (silence). The little kid with the long hair from 3rd Rock from the Sun is playing the most evil man in the world?”

“Well, I guess I can go home now, no use in sitting on this line anymore to see it opening night. It is just frustrating sitting out here all winter, stealing the mall’s WiFi to blog just to learn that the movie is going to suck. That wasn’t worth my two pinky toes. They died in vain.”

“Time to pack it up and go home to my only true friends, Mr. Jack Daniels and a loaded 9mm.”

Legal Alert!

Guess who’s legal… Hermione! Harry Potter’s older male fan base is either really excited about this or about Equus. Either way it is a win for people who watched these movies and always wondered what the main characters will look like when they are older. Personally I can not wait until Hermione (Emma Watson) starts doing other movies. Maybe… something starring me and a bottle of the bubbly.

“Oh honey, I didn’t see you standing behind me while I was typing this. No, don’t be mad! Come back don’t leave you can’t leave (door slams).”

She’ll be back. You know how I know? She is on house arrest and can’t go over 25 feet from the house otherwise she goes back to jail. That’s what happens when you get arrested for stalking your ex-boyfriend.

YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME NOW!!!!!!!

One, Two, Three, TRIPLE DEKE!!!!

I'm so sick and tired of movies being ridiculously fake. Whether it's giant mutated monsters attacking cities, fat people being active, or a pee wee hockey player performing the dumbest move ever to win a game...something needs to be said. I will tackle these issues one at a time, with today's post debunking the myth of the elusive "triple deke".


Reasons why the "deke" will never work.



Scenario 1: A sniper in the stands (from either team) shoots the player in the head because they cannot believe the utter stupidity of what they are witnessing.

Scenario 2: A runaway T-Rex bites the player's head off.

Scenario 3: The player slips and falls on their extremely long hair forcing them to slide into the corner filled with sharp metal spikes.




*Removes top-hat and proceeds to take a bow*

2008 Election Coverage Begins

The 2008 presidential election is quickly approaching. Many people are reading the newspaper and watching news channels like CNN to make sure they are educated on the issues. Well here at PESU we have done a little study to see how this next election will turn out.

As you can see (demonstrated in the Pie chart below) the race will be another extremely tight one, with the majority of the population… not giving a shit.



In our estimation 24% of voters will vote Democrat and 23% of voters will vote Republican. Another 1% will throw away their vote by voting for a 3rd party candidate, basically just to have the feeling of importance that people get when they voted. The overwhelming majority will stay home and not waste their time in the polls. I know I for one will leave work early by saying “I need to vote” subsequently going straight to the nearest bar to drink.




“Vote Or Die” a slogan aimed to show the importance of voting, created by P-Diddy for the 2004 election, seemed to hit home with the younger voters. However after the 2004 election when there was no massive genocide of Americas that didn’t want to or just plumb forgot to vote people began to think it was a lie. That led to the creation of a new slogan “Vote Or Leave Work Early and Do Whatever You Want”.

Due to the fact that the election is based on the Electoral College, causing some states to be more important then others, there are a few states that plan on not voting at all. Jim Connelly had this to say:

“I have lived in Delaware my whole life. I have never voted, and plan on never voting in my life. We have 3 electoral points… Would you bother?”

Ray-Ray Jackson a native of Mississippi had this to say:

“Voting? What the shit is that?”

Remember, every vote counts… kind of. Unless you are from Delaware, Rhode Island, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire, North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Maryland or if you are from a state that overwhelming votes one way. Then they really don’t count that much. Plus, do you really feel like driving out to the local voting booths and waiting in line? I know I don’t.

Porn is Expensive

Just last week, a Chinese art collector shelled out $91,000 for a topless photo of French President Nikolas Sarkozy's wife, Carla Bruni. This week, as Mr. Murdoch mentioned earlier, a New Yorker purchased a risque Marilyn Monroe video for a mind blowing (get it?) $1,500,000. This 15 minute video, the original celebrity sex tape (take that Pam and Tommy!), shows a fully clothed Marilyn Monroe slobbing the knob of an unidentified gentleman caller, whose head remains out of frame for the entire duration of the video.

More interesting is that the FBI has had a copy of the sex tape for years. J. Edgar Hoover, the Director of the FBI at the time, was apparently obsessed with this video, as he was convinced that the unidentified organ belonged to none other than JFK. He had a team of 9 analyze this video full time for two weeks. He even brought in prostitutes that had allegedly serviced Massachusetts' favorite splatter-brained son to identify the black and white dong (and you thought you were original, Porky's).

In the spirit of "One Night in Paris" and the far more disturbing "One Night in Chyna", I've attempted to come up with a clever name for the Marilyn Monroe blowjob video. "One Night in Marilyn's Mouth" seemed to be too exaggerated for a 15 minute video. Also, I've never heard of a locale called "Marilyn's Mouth". Thus far, I've got "Some Like it Slobbed" and "The Seven Year Itch". Leave a comment with your more clever titles. I'd love to hear them.

Here's what I learned today:

The good - The FBI has sex tapes. If I had known this in college, I would have seriously reconsidered my major and applied to the Federal Bureau of Porn. Sigh...

The bad - The original hoe gave average at best blowjobs. I figured that Marilyn would be able to suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch in under 7 flat. But 15 minutes...I'm disappointed.

The ugly - J. Edgar Hoover was obsessed with JFK's hog. Keep that image in your head before you go to bed. Or when you're trying to buy yourself another 10 minutes. But knowing you, cowboy, that wouldn't work, would it?

OMG BREAKING IMPORTANT NEWS!!!

Ashley Simpson is pregnant!!!

Uhm who cares? She’s not hot, she can’t dance, she definitely can’t sing, she obviously can't dress, she sucks at life…why do we care that she’s going to give birth to another annoying and most likely mentally delayed member of the Simpson family? I’ll tell you why. Sisters are always fighting and trying to upstage one another. This means that soon hotter sister Jessica will try to get pregnant. However, Jessica knows that once she becomes pregnant her body will go through some changes and she will no longer look the gorgeous plastic Barbie Doll that she is today. Thus, she is going to do a spread (get it?) in Playboy and cash in on her body before she becomes pregnant, thus making the world a happier place for everyone. Seriously, I could easily teach Calculus at Harvard.

Worth Every Penny

If I had 1.5 million dollars yesterday, I would have 0 dollars today and one tape. That tape would be Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape. The one tape, forged from plastic and film. I wouldn’t even try to sell it, I would just watch it myself, and I wouldn’t tell anyone I owed it. I would sing to it, I would dance with it. I would cook dinner for it. I would tell jokes to it. I would grow old with it. It would probably give me an extended life; the powers of that tape are immeasurable. It would be miness, all mines!!! My love, my passion, my precious.

Why I Love Women

According to a study published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, couples get along much better when the woman is better looking than her spouse.

I'll spare you the boring ass details, but when a couple in which the woman was better looking discussed a problem, the man was more supportive saying things like "I'm there for you" and "How can I help" [*cough* homo]. When the man was better looking, he would typically respond something like "It's your problem, deal with it."

The study concludes when the man is uglier, he is getting something better out of the relationship than he is providing. When the man is better looking he develops an "I can do better" mentality. Translation: Physical attractiveness is extremely important to men (so get on the treadmill, tubby!). On the contrary, women seek supportive husbands. It's unfortunately for you that you have the personality of a foot.

So maybe there is hope for you after all, Pugly! Nah, I'm just kidding. Your father was right. No one will ever love you.

In conclusion, I love women because they have vaginas. And boobies.

Smug City

There's a debate in this country about whether or not President Bush should boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics this summer. Apparently China is doing some shit or something to other countries or someone and some Americans feel that we are some how “protesting” whatever China is doing by not having our President (who everyone in America hates anyway) not be present during the first night of the Olympics (best run on sentence ever.) Sorry I am not completely up-to-date on the whole deal, but I stopped paying attention to Asia and its issues when we got banned from China (see Mission Accomplished post.)

As the debate rages on one city decided to take it into their own hands and protest. That’s right you all know that socialist, green loving, bead wearing, hemp enthused, vegan, organic tooth paste using, Earth Day celebrating, tree hugging, rainbow sandal wearing, condescending, granola munching, pot legalizing, mom and pop shop loving, hybrid driving, wild haired, sun child, hippie piece of crap, hell on earth of a city, San Francisco.

Could they be any lamer? The Olympic Torch is being passed throughout the world, as a symbol of the world coming together to celebrate what it is to be human. These extremely affluent people are trying to interrupt it to prove that they are well informed and educated about what is going on in the world. As the runners pass through the town they could hear the protest chant:

“We’re rich; we’re bored, we feel like complaining.”

Followed by, “Starbucks and Wal-Mart are evil”.

I agree about Starbucks. Their coffee always tastes burnt. I don’t know maybe it is just me. How can Wal-Mart be evil when I can buy a pack of Oreo’s for a dollar? A FUCKING DOLLAR!!! If they didn’t even know that, how well informed could they be? BTW… The 60’s ended for a reason, it sucked. Welcome to the 2000s, enjoy it while you can. We all know how it is going to end. We have all seen the Matrix.

Newsflash: Entire Midwest is Autistic

Well, this being the official 100th post at PESU, I felt we had to tackle an important issue. This my friends, is the issue of the recent increase in Autism.

Upon reading fellow PESU staff-writer Loki's article about Dr. Doolittle (the Autistic girl), I decided to check out the link he had copied at the bottom. For those of you lazy's, it's re-linked here. Now please, I beg of you, watch the whole thing (it seems like an interview done with her about her Autism and how people respond to her, along with a photo montage). Read the rest of this article after viewing the whole slide-show and listening to what she has to say.


There. Have you watched it? Now, I present to you, the argument: The Entire Midwest is Autistic. How do you ask? Well, listening to her speak with coherent speech, and a vocabulary that is superior to most of the citizens of the United States (a particular leader of the Free-World comes to mind), and arguing the merits of her lifestyle while noticing no physical defects from her pictures, I have come to the realization that those with far less social-interaction skills and more physical deformities that love nature and 4H fairs must be far more Autistic than she. And if you ask me who likes 4H fairs and roughing it in the wilderness with animals, or who speaks with less eloquence, then I will show you the Midwest. (I've spent 5 years out there, I would know).

The American Heritage Dictionary defines autism as "a pervasive developmental disorder characterized by severe deficits in social interaction and communication, by an extremely limited range of activities and interests, and often by the presence of repetitive, stereotyped behaviors."

Now, does she seem like she has a social interaction or communication problem through that video? No, she understands what the interviewer had asked of her, and presents her argument in a way that is both rational and understandable. Her comments that "everyone thinks I'm like the Rain Man" point to her knowledge of popular culture and her understanding of the stigma that is attached to her classification. And does she have an extremely limited range of activities and interests? Well, she's dedicated herself to a wild-life preserve. But ask the football fanatic that plays fantasy, plays pop-warner up through the pro-level and plays Madden games in the offseason if he's been classifed as autistic. You'll get a resounding "no". Or find the marine biologist that spends her time dedicated to saving the whales or studying scallops. They're called "scientists". And in terms of repetitive behavior, there are plenty of nervous ticks that people have (biting nails, playing with their hair, checking to see if a door is locked) that are normal as long as they don't move to OCD proportions. No, she doesn't seem autistic.

Now, I'm not just talking about Sarah from the article. It seems as if more and more children these days are being classified as autistic, and I believe it's the new ADD. Now, don't get me wrong, there are Autistic people out there, and I feel for the families that have to deal with this disorder. But the popular cop-out seems like it's being juxtaposed as a politically-correct label for just plain being weird. And there's nothing wrong with that. When I was in school as a kid, I was very awkward and I knew kids that were even weirder. But they weren't labled with a disorder. Most of them snapped out of it and moved on. Some are still a bit strange, but they can make a living without a problem. So until we stop throwing around this fad catch-all phrase, we might all be considered to be a little autistic.

My idea of fun is writing a blog bitching about stuff.
My name is Mr. Book. And I am Autistic.

Ashlee Simpson is Engaged

Ashlee Simpson, 23, and long time (almost a full year and a half) boyfriend, Pete Wentz, 28, are engaged. In other, more interesting news, I still cannot touch my toes without bending my knees.

Take it Easy, Moneybags

Hey there, big spender. I see you've been doing some shopping lately. I got this little tidbit from a lil' birdie (also known as the Government Accountability Office). It looks like you've flipped the bill for $1,100 worth of internet dating, $77,000 worth of clothing and fashion accessories, a $13,500 dinner, $360 worth of lingerie, oh, and lest we forget that $2,000,000 you blew on electronic equipment.

Don't worry, though. Even though that pink teddy you bought would match your pink pumps perfectly, you'll never get to see it or any of the other items you've spent your hard earned cash on - see, you've selflessly donated it to your kind, half-retarded Uncle (Sam), and his employees were kind enough to spend it for you. As per a government audit, whose findings were released Wednesday, the most flagrant violations of the government issued purchase card were:

1. $2,000,000 worth of electronics (including iPods, digital cameras, laptops & PCs) have gone unaccounted for.

2. A series of 180 credit card linked checks totalling $642,000 from a government employee to a co-habitating individual with a joint bank account.

3. Four Dept. of Defense employees spent a staggering $77,000 on clothing and accessories at Brooks Brothers, Talbots, and Johnston & Murphy (they're allowed $860 per person per year for civilian attire - I'm pissed about that perk too if you were wondering).

4. A $13,500 dinner at Ruth's Chris by US Postal Employees (including a $3,000 bar tab).

5. A Post Master who charged $1,100 to 2 internet dating sites and used his work computer to access wank material.

Let me start by saying that a $13,500 dinner better include Jessica Alba's breast milk and I'd better be drinking that shit straight from the tap! And really, how horrible do you have to look to need to spend $1,100 on internet dating? I could get Rocky Dennis laid for less than that, unless he requests the services of Ashley Alexandra Dupre - that bitch is expensive!!

My favorite item on this list was the $360 spent on women's underwear and lingerie to be worn during jungle training by trainees of a drug enforcement program in Ecuador. Oh, J. Edgar, you sly fox...and I thought you retired. Or died...

Those of you seeking some sort of justice can take mild solace in knowing that the Post Master had to repay the $1,100 and was removed from his post and that the embezzling employee owes $642,000 in restitution and was sentenced to 21 months in prison.

That is mild at best considering the most shocking revelation of the study: nearly half of the 2006 purchase card transactions were improper. Man, I'm so happy to be paying taxes!! Fuck you, Sam.

Sitcom Wet Dreams

McNugget: Kelly Kapowski vs Winnie Cooper
Mr. Murdoch: Kelly is hella fine, she is like the dopest shit on the block, she dated both Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. Is this debate over now?
McNugget: not a chance in hell, you forgot to realize that Morris...although he appeared to be the man is actually a huge dork. Remember the episode when he came in dressed as a Native American for heritage day; he was the only one in the class to take it seriously. Also, Slater wore tight ass acid washed jeans, and tucked in his shirt. Plus he wrestled...in spandex
McNugget: Winnie cooper was giving Kevin Arnold handers on the bus ride home in like 6th grade
McNugget: how long did it take Morris to get real play from Kelly? Def took place during the college years

McNugget: what’s up now honky?
Mr. Murdoch: Shit, you obvs did see that shit then. Not only was Zack getting it but she took AC to the Dance off/ she dated a professor in the college years and he was at least 25. Bro this girl was legit
Mr. Murdoch: Oh and we want to talk about dorks. Kevin Arnold, are you kidding me, the opening credits he was jumping around like a pansy, and he couldn't even catch a football
McNugget: dude...when Winnie wasn’t sucking off Kevin Arnold in his family room she was busy chasing after upperclassmen

Mr. Murdoch: Bro Winnie Cooper was like a recluse during Halloween, you know she's got the goodies, but she ain't giving them out.

McNugget: when has Kelly ever flaunted anything?
McNugget: Winnie used to roll to school in her cheer uniform for no reason
McNugget: Winnie slept over Kevin’s house in like 7th grade
McNugget: you know they weren’t just sleeping
McNugget: also Winnie is just such an ill stripper name

Mr. Murdoch: bro Kelly was in that singing group
Mr. Murdoch: do you know how hot that group was?
Mr. Murdoch: Winnie is into math
McNugget: Kelly is into meth

McNugget: ok so Winnie may have been a bit of a nerd...but wouldn’t you like a girl that can tell you at what angle she wants you to be at in order to achieve maximum pleasure
Mr. Murdoch: maximum pleasure. That is a joke
Mr. Murdoch: more like a maximum nap
McNugget: Winnie was obvi dynamite in the sack...she was much more experienced than Kelly
Mr. Murdoch: that is because she is like 20 years older
McNugget: Winnie loves the cock]
McNugget: she can’t get enough of it

Mr. Murdoch: bro if you get Kelly you can prob rope Lisa turtle into a three way
Mr. Murdoch: and I know, I said I KNOW you can not argue with that
McNugget: yeah right....turtle was such a spoiled brat I would have to pay her like 10 grand just to take a picture with her.
Mr. Murdoch: You. Maybe, but not me.
McNugget: come on man...you know that since Winnie lived like 30 feet from Kevin Arnold she was def sneaking over there for some late night sausage
Mr. Murdoch: oh shit, do you have a Winnie Cooper?
Mr. Murdoch: haha are you tapping one of your neighbors
McNugget: no comment
Mr. Murdoch: a little Asian Winnie?
McNugget: I wish

McNugget: its time for me to end this argument...I’m brining out the big guns
McNugget: Winnie cooper let Kevin Arnold bang her in a fucking barn
McNugget: she lost her V-card in a barn to someone she wasn’t even dating at the time
Mr. Murdoch: wow, really?
McNugget: yes
McNugget: wow really

Mr. Murdoch: with hay on her butt?
McNugget: junior in HS and she’s getting drilled next to a cow
Mr. Murdoch: so like there were horses and poop all over?
Mr. Murdoch: holes in the roof? Dirt on the ground. Shit
Mr. Murdoch: that is like my number one fantasy

McNugget: all my life I’ve been looking to bang a girl in a smelly place...like my bedroom
McNugget: Kelly and Zack didn’t knock boots until wedding in Las Vegas made for TV movie

Found It!!!

I was looking around the internet, looking for something to write about and have a little fun when I stumbled across this gem “‘Killer bees’ swarm, sting Mexican police.” I have heard of karma but Jesus or, um... Hey Zeus (I don’t know I don’t speak Mexican).
Bees attacked after a cop shot the hive while at a shooting range. Yup, defiantly a terrible accident, I bet no one said “Hey S.A. I bet you a taco I can shoot that bee hive.” Mexican cops are known to be some of the most corrupt cops in the world. It is only right they get attacked by bees that escaped from a science lab and began to migrate north.
Oh, did I forget to mention that? Well, rather then listen to me explain what happened I will take a little excerpt out of the article.
“Africanized bees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," are the result of an experiment to increase honey production in Brazil. A swarm escaped a lab in 1957 and began heading north.”

I have never been stung by a bee. So that isn’t really something I am super worried about. I do however eat a lot of Mexican food. So Killer Bees taking out all of Mexico can seriously put my diet of tortilla, beef, cheese and beans in jepordy. Then I will be forced to eat itailan food and that doesn't go very well with tequila.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24018753/

We're Being Invaded!!!

In a flashing news update, political analysts at PESU have confirmed that yes babies (by that I mean roughly 2 years and younger) are switching over to the Obama camp at a staggering rate. The baby vote, which has statistically shown to be a perfect 50-50 split in all past elections, appears to be an overwhelming landslide for Obama. How did we find this out you ask….youtube of course knuckleheads! The new youtube craze for this week appears to be videos of babies screaming “Obama!!!!”, or something that roughly resembles Obama. Look I’m not a doctor or anything but I’m 100% sure that Obama is much easier to say than Clinton or McCain (I mean seriously those hard consonants still give me trouble to this day). Please practice saying Obama out loud now if you do not believe me…OBAMA….BMMA…ODADA…see? Second, babies are retarded. Don’t people know that they just repeat what ever the hell you say to them. True story, when my cousin was a baby and was speaking we taught him to say…at the dinner table at thanksgiving dinner mind you….and I quote, “I LIKE IT RAW”. Seriously, if I can trick a kid into saying something like that, than any moronic parent can make their kid say Obama. Lastly, this story frustrates me so much because you have all these losers out there saying that this is so cute and these kids know politics and this is proof that Obama will win. Look I’m not going to get into politics here because frankly it’s not proper and more importantly I don’t care, but I do know a little about the political process from sitting through about 75% of my high school history classes, and I definitely remember me asking if babies can vote and my teacher replying very sternly “No”. I mean I don’t understand why everyone is getting so excited over this, these babies have no say over the outcome. I mean come on, this is the equivalent of people getting excited for a group of dogs barking for McCain, or even worse a bunch of women shouting for Hillary.