Ashlee Simpson is Engaged

Ashlee Simpson, 23, and long time (almost a full year and a half) boyfriend, Pete Wentz, 28, are engaged. In other, more interesting news, I still cannot touch my toes without bending my knees.

Take it Easy, Moneybags

Hey there, big spender. I see you've been doing some shopping lately. I got this little tidbit from a lil' birdie (also known as the Government Accountability Office). It looks like you've flipped the bill for $1,100 worth of internet dating, $77,000 worth of clothing and fashion accessories, a $13,500 dinner, $360 worth of lingerie, oh, and lest we forget that $2,000,000 you blew on electronic equipment.

Don't worry, though. Even though that pink teddy you bought would match your pink pumps perfectly, you'll never get to see it or any of the other items you've spent your hard earned cash on - see, you've selflessly donated it to your kind, half-retarded Uncle (Sam), and his employees were kind enough to spend it for you. As per a government audit, whose findings were released Wednesday, the most flagrant violations of the government issued purchase card were:

1. $2,000,000 worth of electronics (including iPods, digital cameras, laptops & PCs) have gone unaccounted for.

2. A series of 180 credit card linked checks totalling $642,000 from a government employee to a co-habitating individual with a joint bank account.

3. Four Dept. of Defense employees spent a staggering $77,000 on clothing and accessories at Brooks Brothers, Talbots, and Johnston & Murphy (they're allowed $860 per person per year for civilian attire - I'm pissed about that perk too if you were wondering).

4. A $13,500 dinner at Ruth's Chris by US Postal Employees (including a $3,000 bar tab).

5. A Post Master who charged $1,100 to 2 internet dating sites and used his work computer to access wank material.

Let me start by saying that a $13,500 dinner better include Jessica Alba's breast milk and I'd better be drinking that shit straight from the tap! And really, how horrible do you have to look to need to spend $1,100 on internet dating? I could get Rocky Dennis laid for less than that, unless he requests the services of Ashley Alexandra Dupre - that bitch is expensive!!

My favorite item on this list was the $360 spent on women's underwear and lingerie to be worn during jungle training by trainees of a drug enforcement program in Ecuador. Oh, J. Edgar, you sly fox...and I thought you retired. Or died...

Those of you seeking some sort of justice can take mild solace in knowing that the Post Master had to repay the $1,100 and was removed from his post and that the embezzling employee owes $642,000 in restitution and was sentenced to 21 months in prison.

That is mild at best considering the most shocking revelation of the study: nearly half of the 2006 purchase card transactions were improper. Man, I'm so happy to be paying taxes!! Fuck you, Sam.

Sitcom Wet Dreams

McNugget: Kelly Kapowski vs Winnie Cooper
Mr. Murdoch: Kelly is hella fine, she is like the dopest shit on the block, she dated both Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. Is this debate over now?
McNugget: not a chance in hell, you forgot to realize that Morris...although he appeared to be the man is actually a huge dork. Remember the episode when he came in dressed as a Native American for heritage day; he was the only one in the class to take it seriously. Also, Slater wore tight ass acid washed jeans, and tucked in his shirt. Plus he wrestled...in spandex
McNugget: Winnie cooper was giving Kevin Arnold handers on the bus ride home in like 6th grade
McNugget: how long did it take Morris to get real play from Kelly? Def took place during the college years

McNugget: what’s up now honky?
Mr. Murdoch: Shit, you obvs did see that shit then. Not only was Zack getting it but she took AC to the Dance off/ she dated a professor in the college years and he was at least 25. Bro this girl was legit
Mr. Murdoch: Oh and we want to talk about dorks. Kevin Arnold, are you kidding me, the opening credits he was jumping around like a pansy, and he couldn't even catch a football
McNugget: dude...when Winnie wasn’t sucking off Kevin Arnold in his family room she was busy chasing after upperclassmen

Mr. Murdoch: Bro Winnie Cooper was like a recluse during Halloween, you know she's got the goodies, but she ain't giving them out.

McNugget: when has Kelly ever flaunted anything?
McNugget: Winnie used to roll to school in her cheer uniform for no reason
McNugget: Winnie slept over Kevin’s house in like 7th grade
McNugget: you know they weren’t just sleeping
McNugget: also Winnie is just such an ill stripper name

Mr. Murdoch: bro Kelly was in that singing group
Mr. Murdoch: do you know how hot that group was?
Mr. Murdoch: Winnie is into math
McNugget: Kelly is into meth

McNugget: ok so Winnie may have been a bit of a nerd...but wouldn’t you like a girl that can tell you at what angle she wants you to be at in order to achieve maximum pleasure
Mr. Murdoch: maximum pleasure. That is a joke
Mr. Murdoch: more like a maximum nap
McNugget: Winnie was obvi dynamite in the sack...she was much more experienced than Kelly
Mr. Murdoch: that is because she is like 20 years older
McNugget: Winnie loves the cock]
McNugget: she can’t get enough of it

Mr. Murdoch: bro if you get Kelly you can prob rope Lisa turtle into a three way
Mr. Murdoch: and I know, I said I KNOW you can not argue with that
McNugget: yeah right....turtle was such a spoiled brat I would have to pay her like 10 grand just to take a picture with her.
Mr. Murdoch: You. Maybe, but not me.
McNugget: come on man...you know that since Winnie lived like 30 feet from Kevin Arnold she was def sneaking over there for some late night sausage
Mr. Murdoch: oh shit, do you have a Winnie Cooper?
Mr. Murdoch: haha are you tapping one of your neighbors
McNugget: no comment
Mr. Murdoch: a little Asian Winnie?
McNugget: I wish

McNugget: its time for me to end this argument...I’m brining out the big guns
McNugget: Winnie cooper let Kevin Arnold bang her in a fucking barn
McNugget: she lost her V-card in a barn to someone she wasn’t even dating at the time
Mr. Murdoch: wow, really?
McNugget: yes
McNugget: wow really

Mr. Murdoch: with hay on her butt?
McNugget: junior in HS and she’s getting drilled next to a cow
Mr. Murdoch: so like there were horses and poop all over?
Mr. Murdoch: holes in the roof? Dirt on the ground. Shit
Mr. Murdoch: that is like my number one fantasy

McNugget: all my life I’ve been looking to bang a girl in a smelly place...like my bedroom
McNugget: Kelly and Zack didn’t knock boots until wedding in Las Vegas made for TV movie

Found It!!!

I was looking around the internet, looking for something to write about and have a little fun when I stumbled across this gem “‘Killer bees’ swarm, sting Mexican police.” I have heard of karma but Jesus or, um... Hey Zeus (I don’t know I don’t speak Mexican).
Bees attacked after a cop shot the hive while at a shooting range. Yup, defiantly a terrible accident, I bet no one said “Hey S.A. I bet you a taco I can shoot that bee hive.” Mexican cops are known to be some of the most corrupt cops in the world. It is only right they get attacked by bees that escaped from a science lab and began to migrate north.
Oh, did I forget to mention that? Well, rather then listen to me explain what happened I will take a little excerpt out of the article.
“Africanized bees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," are the result of an experiment to increase honey production in Brazil. A swarm escaped a lab in 1957 and began heading north.”

I have never been stung by a bee. So that isn’t really something I am super worried about. I do however eat a lot of Mexican food. So Killer Bees taking out all of Mexico can seriously put my diet of tortilla, beef, cheese and beans in jepordy. Then I will be forced to eat itailan food and that doesn't go very well with tequila.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24018753/

We're Being Invaded!!!

In a flashing news update, political analysts at PESU have confirmed that yes babies (by that I mean roughly 2 years and younger) are switching over to the Obama camp at a staggering rate. The baby vote, which has statistically shown to be a perfect 50-50 split in all past elections, appears to be an overwhelming landslide for Obama. How did we find this out you ask….youtube of course knuckleheads! The new youtube craze for this week appears to be videos of babies screaming “Obama!!!!”, or something that roughly resembles Obama. Look I’m not a doctor or anything but I’m 100% sure that Obama is much easier to say than Clinton or McCain (I mean seriously those hard consonants still give me trouble to this day). Please practice saying Obama out loud now if you do not believe me…OBAMA….BMMA…ODADA…see? Second, babies are retarded. Don’t people know that they just repeat what ever the hell you say to them. True story, when my cousin was a baby and was speaking we taught him to say…at the dinner table at thanksgiving dinner mind you….and I quote, “I LIKE IT RAW”. Seriously, if I can trick a kid into saying something like that, than any moronic parent can make their kid say Obama. Lastly, this story frustrates me so much because you have all these losers out there saying that this is so cute and these kids know politics and this is proof that Obama will win. Look I’m not going to get into politics here because frankly it’s not proper and more importantly I don’t care, but I do know a little about the political process from sitting through about 75% of my high school history classes, and I definitely remember me asking if babies can vote and my teacher replying very sternly “No”. I mean I don’t understand why everyone is getting so excited over this, these babies have no say over the outcome. I mean come on, this is the equivalent of people getting excited for a group of dogs barking for McCain, or even worse a bunch of women shouting for Hillary.

The Autistic Dr. Doolittle

CNN reports that an autistic 16 year old girl named Sara Childers, has been working with dangerous, Savannah dwelling animals since the age of 9. She feels that her autism helps her connect with animals far more than humans, as animals do not mask their emotions and are much easier to understand.

No shit animals are easy to understand. Take a look at your every day 3 year old. They have the same needs as animals. They eat, sleep, shit, and get into your car when you offer them lollies.

Scarface, er, Sara has a pet tiger named Athena which she keeps chained up in her yard and has worked with lions, tigers, sharks, and boa constrictors, among other crazy shit that you won't find me putting my hands anywhere near.

When asked if she would undergo treatment to cure her for of autism (taking into account that someone actually created a cure it), Sara replied "GGGNNNYAAAAAA", reached her hand into her snackpack, and threw tapioca at the wall.

This story really opened me up to something. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS IN ALL THIS??? SHE HAS A FRIGGIN' TIGER IN HER FRIGGIN' YARD!!!

You can check out the story here: http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/04/04/sara.childers/index.html

Damn you dirty stinking apes!

You did it. Charlton Heston is dead. For years now, Heston knew of the possibility of the Apes and closely-related arboreal dwellers (that's living in trees for most of the PESU crowd)taking over mankind. Now, some of you may call me crazy. But do you know what I think? Back in his days on Mt. Sinai getting the 10 commandment tablets from God, Charlton was told of the End of Days, whereby Apes would take back the Earth and enslave mankind. Charlton thought this was a good idea for a movie, so he told some guys and they made Planet of the Apes. Upon facing that reality in cinematic form, Charlton realized the true depth of the horror of an Ape-run government, began stock-piling weapons for man's defense. Regulations from a hippy-congress started to make Charlton uneasy, so he took command of the National Rifle Association (NRA) as the last bastion of human protection. But now that he's dead. May God have mercy on our souls...

The Funnier Martial Arts Viral Video

VS




McNugget: Star Wars Kid
Mr. Murdoch: Afro Ninja

Mr. Murdoch: ok personally I love the fact that he gives you that little face before he jumps like, "Ohh, I am the fucking man. You are going to love this shit I am about to do. Ladies make sure you don't look away"
McNugget: see your video was funny because it was a mistake
McNugget: this guy made this video as a serious thing and his friends posted it online
McNugget : for god sakes the star wars kid makes his own sound effects
Mr. Murdoch: Ha-ha yeah that is a great video, but that is a retarded kid doing a retarded thing. I feel bad. He obvs has trouble making friends. He is sitting in his high school after school when no one is around taping himself swinging a mic stand. It is like the Never Ending Story except there is not Valcor to come and save him.
Mr. Murdoch: it makes me sad; don't get me wrong it is really funny, but with a hint of sadness, kind of like Special Olympics
McNugget: that’s why it’s funny

McNugget: look your guy is not a bad looking guy, I’m sure he gets laid on the reg
McNugget: but this kid....you just know he’s got nothing going for him
McNugget: his clothes are too tight, he has zero motor skills, and he's got a 5 dollar haircut.

Mr. Murdoch: You find no joy in this guy thinking he is the man and then just eating shit. I mean he hits his head, bounces back up and then starts swinging the nunchaku as if he didn't just slam his face hard as shit.
Mr. Murdoch: when he gets up and swings the chuck I almost peed my pants
McNugget: sometimes I wish you did pee your pants so I could make fun of you
Mr. Murdoch: I just love the fact that this guy thinks he is going to do something awesome and most likely then next thing, he wakes up in the hospital.

McNugget: also it’s proven that fat people are funnier than skinny people
McNugget: scientific fact
Mr. Murdoch: Ohh, yeah that is a nice point.
Mr. Murdoch: Fatties are funnier,

McNugget: look he did dos something awesome...I could never have gotten that far in a flip
Mr. Murdoch: haha come on

Mr. Murdoch: ok let’s break this down:
Mr. Murdoch: give me three reasons why Star wars kid is funnier
McNugget: well for one thing...Whoppi Goldberg doesn’t appear at the end of the video
McNugget: second...his shirt is so tight that you see his fat baby fat gut
McNugget: third...he’s more talented because he does different scenes
McNugget: I just wish he put in the famous princess lea and the gold bikini scene.

Mr. Murdoch: 1) That little kissy face Afro ninja does before he face plants.
Mr. Murdoch: 2) The sound that his face then shoes make when he hits the ground.
Mr. Murdoch: 3) He gets up with the full intention of continuing his routine as if he didn't just knock himself partially unconscious.
Mr. Murdoch: oh and Whoppi appears at the end
Mr. Murdoch: PESU loves Whoppi

Mr. Murdoch: but tell me you can keep a straight face as he tries to swing the nunchaku
McNugget: dude, nothing about me is straight
Mr. Murdoch: ...

Its a Woman, Its a Man, Its Pregnant???

A transgender man by the name of Thomas Beatie has been officially confirmed pregnant, not fat like previously thought. In case most of you don't know what transgender is, it is defined as, "a person appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser" (dictionary.com). Why the hell is this story considered news?? Basically this person was born female (they had tits, a vertical smile, and everything that comes along with it), then underwent many surgeries and also began taking testosterone pills to look more like a dude. Hey, I'm all about freedom and letting people do what they want, so by all means I have no problem with this thing having a kid (although I'm sure the kid will not lead a normal life and probably end up working at the post office, and one day walk in wearing a trench coat with black sunglasses and pull out a shotgun and start shooting like Peter North). The reason why I'm so frustrated with this story is that Thomas went on the Oprah Winfrey Show to declare that he/she/it is pregnant. I guess the theme of the show was something like "Pregnant Men blah blah blah". You can't say the show is about a pregnant man...when the person is not a fucking man!!!!!! Look I can't take a hamburger and put it in a hot dog roll and say its a hot dog, anyway you look at it I'm still eating a hamburger. If this were the case I wouldn't have gotten grounded as a kid for all the times I got drunk at high school basketball games by drinking vodka inside water bottles. This is the dumbest thing ever, Oprah your a moron, and give me a free car!

PS- Totally unrelated to the previous post, but does anyone else think it's weird that we have solar powered calculators but nothing else???

Hippo vs Bull

VS.

McNugget: 1 the bull is faster on open ground
McNugget: 2 the bull has horns
McNugget: and C have you ever seen the size of a bulls balls....thing must be pumped full of testosterone.

Mr. Murdoch: the bulls speed seems like a huge advantage but it is a little known fact that hippos have been clocked at over 30 mph on land
Mr. Murdoch: that isn't exactly standing still
Mr. Murdoch: the bulls horns seem to be an excellent weapon but after the original charge the most they can do is poke the mighty hippo,
Mr. Murdoch: the Hippos teeth will do much more damage
Mr. Murdoch: and well yeah the bull has huge balls but the hippo kills more humans a year then any other mammal in Africa.

McNugget: the bulls horns, when reached at top speed can easily penetrate the hippo’s skin, and it aimed at the eye would cause permanent damage
McNugget: a hippo could never fit a bull in his mouth
Mr. Murdoch: hippo has a huge mouth
McNugget: bull has a huge body
McNugget: how do you figure that the hippo could catch the bull?
McNugget: draw me a sketch
McNugget: seriously
Mr. Murdoch: it could easily crush anything
McNugget: anything?
McNugget: what about superman?
Mr. Murdoch: yup kryptonite teeth
Mr. Murdoch: if the bull attacked the hippo from the front, and didn't knock it out on first contact then the hippo would bit the bull and not let it go.

McNugget: hippos are gay
McNugget: half way through the fight it will get tired and go chill in pool of water somewhere
Mr. Murdoch: the hippo is bigger it out weights the bull, and def has the better weapon with its teeth
McNugget: the hippos average body mass along with its decreased amount of sebaceous glands don’t allow to be out in the sun for very long
McNugget: hence the term hippopotamus
McNugget: which in Latin I believe means "sun hate"
McNugget: also if the hippo is Hindu it cannot kill the bull.

Mr. Murdoch: you are over looking the simple fact that the hippo is truly the superior animal
Mr. Murdoch: people fight bulls
Mr. Murdoch: you will never see a person fight a hippo
McNugget: whoa whoa whoa
McNugget: first off
McNugget: wet backs fight bulls
Mr. Murdoch: yeah and if bulls can't even beat offensively gay dressed Mexicans then how is it going to beat a hippo?
McNugget: second, I fought a hippo last Friday night...she gave me her number but I threw it out...zing
Mr. Murdoch: everything always goes back to your attraction to fat chicks
McNugget: I don’t like fat chicks they just like me.

McNugget: the bull is smarter than the hippo
McNugget: if a hippo is so smart then answer me this
McNugget: if they need water to survive...why do they live in Africa
McNugget: tick tock tick tock
Mr. Murdoch: Nile River?
Mr. Murdoch: ha-ha
McNugget: psh
McNugget: hippos can’t use boats.

Mr. Murdoch: wait what says a bull is smarter? The don't like the color red, that seems pretty stupid
Mr. Murdoch: although I don't like clowns and that is pretty stupid but here i am, looking hot.
McNugget: uhh they can tell colors apart.

Mr. Murdoch: thanks wikipedia!!!!
McNugget: well I would have used encyclopedia Britannica but this isn’t 1996
Mr. Murdoch: yeah really that sucks for encyclopedias
McNugget: imagine if like your job was to write stuff for encyclopedias
McNugget: like what do you do now...become a cable installation person?
McNugget: plus your favorite singer is avril lavigne
Mr. Murdoch: well that is irrelevant
McNugget: I think it’s completely relevant
Mr. Murdoch: Hey hey, you you, I don't like your boyfriend
McNugget: shows you have no concept of good taste
Mr. Murdoch: taste? We aren't eating the bull and hippo

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.

- You are not allowed to touch a wall.

- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."

- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.

- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.

- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

1) I think my technique would be to trip up as many kids as possible at a time, and then stomp their heads in with my feet. I feel like you should try to use your upper body as little as possible to avoid fatigue and injury (punching skulls can injure your hand). I would worry very much about a bunch of them surrounding me and suffocating me to the point where I didn't have the necessary room to get off a decent kick, and they lads would be too stacked to push over. I think you guys are aiming a bit too high, simply because I believe that stomping skulls, no matter how tiny, can get exhausting. Therefore, my estimate comes in at a more reasonable 50 bludgeoned tots. Also, would it be advisable/efficient, to hoist a kid over your head and hurl him in a crowd, and then follow up with a stomping party? Not only would that technique be pretty bad ass, I think it would provide a substantial morale boost for me, the hurler.

2) As the shortest in the group I have certain fears that you guys might not. I would be afraid of the "drag down effect." This would be one kid jumping on my back and before I am able to toss him he would be grabbed by other 5 year olds eventually creating enough pull to drag me down.

Once on the ground I would expect stomping and unless I have the power to get up after the drag… Well… that could be it for me. However I think the size of the room would help me. I would like to think I am much quicker then the 5 year olds and if I can get up enough speed I would be able to throw non-stop flying knees, which would destroy a kid in one blow. For this reason I would like to pick enough kids to fill up half the court this way there is enough room for me to move around and use my god given ability (thanks God I owe you one). So I am going to go for 90-100. I think they could fit easily in ½ of the court so spread out could cause the separation I need to be successful. The only thing that worries me is the fact that I am the most out of shape I have ever been and that me slowing down because of fatigued could resolute in the "drag down effect."


3) I could easily destroy 100+ five year olds at once. My logic is simple, at any given point I would only have approximately 12-14 pairs of tiny fists and feet striking me at once, causing minimal bruising / tickling sensations. I also doubt that five year olds are smart enough to come together in a concerted effort aiming to take me down by, for instance, standing on each other's shoulders to form one giant five year old capable of producing an impressive wallop. With each spinning roundhouse kick I threw, I estimate I would knock out between six and ten children, depending upon where my massive size 13 foot struck their fragile bodies.

She's So Lucky, She's a Star

The Hills Fans Can Rejoice!

Just a few months ago, The Hills "reality" star, Heidi Montag, released a single called "Higher" which made my ears bleed for days. Any idea how awkward it is being at work and having a stream of blood pouring out each ear? Actually, it's less awkward than you would image...if you're me (but this is coming from the guy who once got so blitzed he thought "Did you know you have a regulation sized ass" would flatter a girl).

I have not amassed the testicular fortitude to listen to Heidi's new single "No More" [insert your own gratuitous joke about ironic title here], but it is available here:

http://us.lrd.yahoo.com/_ylt=ApE.98MDMh8bWKRoF_6y9r3NwSUv/SIG=11u4ndctl/**http%3A//playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll%3FSID=61093569

You can call Heidi & her boyfriend, Spencer and let them know what you think:

Heidi (310) 220-0244
Spencer (310) 220-0215

Now, I could give a shit about Heidi, Spencer, or The Hills, but since I know most people have something to say to one of the most hated couples in California, enjoy.

Star explosion might be sign of ancient star war.

Wednesday March 19, 2008.
EARTH - Light was visible yesterday from a star that exploded 7.5 billion years ago. Due to the unfathomable distance of Earth from the star, scientists have pointed out that the explosion occurred "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." This discovery has led scientists to speculate that the blast might have been created by the destruction of a space station the size of a large moon. Scientists are guessing that such a spacecraft could have been built to maintain a totalitarian grip on a certain galactic empire, and to stamp out a "rebel alliance."

Adherence to the "space station" theory is far from unanimous however, as many scientists believe that a station of that size would be impossible to blow up. Astronomers who have studied theoretical diagrams of large space stations have pointed out that that if a missile went directly down a certain unguarded exhaust pipe, it could spark a chain reaction that would indeed blow up the mammoth vessel. Skeptics countered by pointing out that such an exhaust pipe would most likely be smaller than two meters, and certainly no larger than an Earth horse or Tatooine Wamp Rat.

Grammy Awards…More Accurate Then The Psychic On The Boardwalk??

Well in case some of you out there missed it Amy Winehouse (AKA Amy CRACKhouse) owned the Grammys with her numerous wins and incredible energetic performance (a close second being watching Carrot Top’s stand up comedy). However, her most notable moment was when she won album of the year for “Rehab”. Ok…seriously…am I the only person alive who found it hysterical that she won for an album called “Rehab” while she is currently in rehab. I believe that this is proof that in order to now win for album of the year you must follow the title of your album. If you and your album are one in the same…you cannot fail. Still don’t believe me…then tell me why Kayne West (a college dropout) lost with an album called “Graduation”. Very intriguing I must say. Well I have compiled a list of several album names that are sure to be winners at next years Grammys…

Britney Spears – Mental Institution
Lindsay Lohan – Sextape
Paris Hilton – Drunk Driving Accident
50 Cent – Assault Charges

And for the repeat win

Amy Winehouse – Overdose (with special guest posthumous vocals by Heath Ledger)

Wow that was way too soon…