The Autistic Dr. Doolittle

CNN reports that an autistic 16 year old girl named Sara Childers, has been working with dangerous, Savannah dwelling animals since the age of 9. She feels that her autism helps her connect with animals far more than humans, as animals do not mask their emotions and are much easier to understand.

No shit animals are easy to understand. Take a look at your every day 3 year old. They have the same needs as animals. They eat, sleep, shit, and get into your car when you offer them lollies.

Scarface, er, Sara has a pet tiger named Athena which she keeps chained up in her yard and has worked with lions, tigers, sharks, and boa constrictors, among other crazy shit that you won't find me putting my hands anywhere near.

When asked if she would undergo treatment to cure her for of autism (taking into account that someone actually created a cure it), Sara replied "GGGNNNYAAAAAA", reached her hand into her snackpack, and threw tapioca at the wall.

This story really opened me up to something. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS IN ALL THIS??? SHE HAS A FRIGGIN' TIGER IN HER FRIGGIN' YARD!!!

You can check out the story here: http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/04/04/sara.childers/index.html

Damn you dirty stinking apes!

You did it. Charlton Heston is dead. For years now, Heston knew of the possibility of the Apes and closely-related arboreal dwellers (that's living in trees for most of the PESU crowd)taking over mankind. Now, some of you may call me crazy. But do you know what I think? Back in his days on Mt. Sinai getting the 10 commandment tablets from God, Charlton was told of the End of Days, whereby Apes would take back the Earth and enslave mankind. Charlton thought this was a good idea for a movie, so he told some guys and they made Planet of the Apes. Upon facing that reality in cinematic form, Charlton realized the true depth of the horror of an Ape-run government, began stock-piling weapons for man's defense. Regulations from a hippy-congress started to make Charlton uneasy, so he took command of the National Rifle Association (NRA) as the last bastion of human protection. But now that he's dead. May God have mercy on our souls...

The Funnier Martial Arts Viral Video

VS




McNugget: Star Wars Kid
Mr. Murdoch: Afro Ninja

Mr. Murdoch: ok personally I love the fact that he gives you that little face before he jumps like, "Ohh, I am the fucking man. You are going to love this shit I am about to do. Ladies make sure you don't look away"
McNugget: see your video was funny because it was a mistake
McNugget: this guy made this video as a serious thing and his friends posted it online
McNugget : for god sakes the star wars kid makes his own sound effects
Mr. Murdoch: Ha-ha yeah that is a great video, but that is a retarded kid doing a retarded thing. I feel bad. He obvs has trouble making friends. He is sitting in his high school after school when no one is around taping himself swinging a mic stand. It is like the Never Ending Story except there is not Valcor to come and save him.
Mr. Murdoch: it makes me sad; don't get me wrong it is really funny, but with a hint of sadness, kind of like Special Olympics
McNugget: that’s why it’s funny

McNugget: look your guy is not a bad looking guy, I’m sure he gets laid on the reg
McNugget: but this kid....you just know he’s got nothing going for him
McNugget: his clothes are too tight, he has zero motor skills, and he's got a 5 dollar haircut.

Mr. Murdoch: You find no joy in this guy thinking he is the man and then just eating shit. I mean he hits his head, bounces back up and then starts swinging the nunchaku as if he didn't just slam his face hard as shit.
Mr. Murdoch: when he gets up and swings the chuck I almost peed my pants
McNugget: sometimes I wish you did pee your pants so I could make fun of you
Mr. Murdoch: I just love the fact that this guy thinks he is going to do something awesome and most likely then next thing, he wakes up in the hospital.

McNugget: also it’s proven that fat people are funnier than skinny people
McNugget: scientific fact
Mr. Murdoch: Ohh, yeah that is a nice point.
Mr. Murdoch: Fatties are funnier,

McNugget: look he did dos something awesome...I could never have gotten that far in a flip
Mr. Murdoch: haha come on

Mr. Murdoch: ok let’s break this down:
Mr. Murdoch: give me three reasons why Star wars kid is funnier
McNugget: well for one thing...Whoppi Goldberg doesn’t appear at the end of the video
McNugget: second...his shirt is so tight that you see his fat baby fat gut
McNugget: third...he’s more talented because he does different scenes
McNugget: I just wish he put in the famous princess lea and the gold bikini scene.

Mr. Murdoch: 1) That little kissy face Afro ninja does before he face plants.
Mr. Murdoch: 2) The sound that his face then shoes make when he hits the ground.
Mr. Murdoch: 3) He gets up with the full intention of continuing his routine as if he didn't just knock himself partially unconscious.
Mr. Murdoch: oh and Whoppi appears at the end
Mr. Murdoch: PESU loves Whoppi

Mr. Murdoch: but tell me you can keep a straight face as he tries to swing the nunchaku
McNugget: dude, nothing about me is straight
Mr. Murdoch: ...

Its a Woman, Its a Man, Its Pregnant???

A transgender man by the name of Thomas Beatie has been officially confirmed pregnant, not fat like previously thought. In case most of you don't know what transgender is, it is defined as, "a person appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser" (dictionary.com). Why the hell is this story considered news?? Basically this person was born female (they had tits, a vertical smile, and everything that comes along with it), then underwent many surgeries and also began taking testosterone pills to look more like a dude. Hey, I'm all about freedom and letting people do what they want, so by all means I have no problem with this thing having a kid (although I'm sure the kid will not lead a normal life and probably end up working at the post office, and one day walk in wearing a trench coat with black sunglasses and pull out a shotgun and start shooting like Peter North). The reason why I'm so frustrated with this story is that Thomas went on the Oprah Winfrey Show to declare that he/she/it is pregnant. I guess the theme of the show was something like "Pregnant Men blah blah blah". You can't say the show is about a pregnant man...when the person is not a fucking man!!!!!! Look I can't take a hamburger and put it in a hot dog roll and say its a hot dog, anyway you look at it I'm still eating a hamburger. If this were the case I wouldn't have gotten grounded as a kid for all the times I got drunk at high school basketball games by drinking vodka inside water bottles. This is the dumbest thing ever, Oprah your a moron, and give me a free car!

PS- Totally unrelated to the previous post, but does anyone else think it's weird that we have solar powered calculators but nothing else???

Hippo vs Bull

VS.

McNugget: 1 the bull is faster on open ground
McNugget: 2 the bull has horns
McNugget: and C have you ever seen the size of a bulls balls....thing must be pumped full of testosterone.

Mr. Murdoch: the bulls speed seems like a huge advantage but it is a little known fact that hippos have been clocked at over 30 mph on land
Mr. Murdoch: that isn't exactly standing still
Mr. Murdoch: the bulls horns seem to be an excellent weapon but after the original charge the most they can do is poke the mighty hippo,
Mr. Murdoch: the Hippos teeth will do much more damage
Mr. Murdoch: and well yeah the bull has huge balls but the hippo kills more humans a year then any other mammal in Africa.

McNugget: the bulls horns, when reached at top speed can easily penetrate the hippo’s skin, and it aimed at the eye would cause permanent damage
McNugget: a hippo could never fit a bull in his mouth
Mr. Murdoch: hippo has a huge mouth
McNugget: bull has a huge body
McNugget: how do you figure that the hippo could catch the bull?
McNugget: draw me a sketch
McNugget: seriously
Mr. Murdoch: it could easily crush anything
McNugget: anything?
McNugget: what about superman?
Mr. Murdoch: yup kryptonite teeth
Mr. Murdoch: if the bull attacked the hippo from the front, and didn't knock it out on first contact then the hippo would bit the bull and not let it go.

McNugget: hippos are gay
McNugget: half way through the fight it will get tired and go chill in pool of water somewhere
Mr. Murdoch: the hippo is bigger it out weights the bull, and def has the better weapon with its teeth
McNugget: the hippos average body mass along with its decreased amount of sebaceous glands don’t allow to be out in the sun for very long
McNugget: hence the term hippopotamus
McNugget: which in Latin I believe means "sun hate"
McNugget: also if the hippo is Hindu it cannot kill the bull.

Mr. Murdoch: you are over looking the simple fact that the hippo is truly the superior animal
Mr. Murdoch: people fight bulls
Mr. Murdoch: you will never see a person fight a hippo
McNugget: whoa whoa whoa
McNugget: first off
McNugget: wet backs fight bulls
Mr. Murdoch: yeah and if bulls can't even beat offensively gay dressed Mexicans then how is it going to beat a hippo?
McNugget: second, I fought a hippo last Friday night...she gave me her number but I threw it out...zing
Mr. Murdoch: everything always goes back to your attraction to fat chicks
McNugget: I don’t like fat chicks they just like me.

McNugget: the bull is smarter than the hippo
McNugget: if a hippo is so smart then answer me this
McNugget: if they need water to survive...why do they live in Africa
McNugget: tick tock tick tock
Mr. Murdoch: Nile River?
Mr. Murdoch: ha-ha
McNugget: psh
McNugget: hippos can’t use boats.

Mr. Murdoch: wait what says a bull is smarter? The don't like the color red, that seems pretty stupid
Mr. Murdoch: although I don't like clowns and that is pretty stupid but here i am, looking hot.
McNugget: uhh they can tell colors apart.

Mr. Murdoch: thanks wikipedia!!!!
McNugget: well I would have used encyclopedia Britannica but this isn’t 1996
Mr. Murdoch: yeah really that sucks for encyclopedias
McNugget: imagine if like your job was to write stuff for encyclopedias
McNugget: like what do you do now...become a cable installation person?
McNugget: plus your favorite singer is avril lavigne
Mr. Murdoch: well that is irrelevant
McNugget: I think it’s completely relevant
Mr. Murdoch: Hey hey, you you, I don't like your boyfriend
McNugget: shows you have no concept of good taste
Mr. Murdoch: taste? We aren't eating the bull and hippo

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.

- You are not allowed to touch a wall.

- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."

- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.

- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.

- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

1) I think my technique would be to trip up as many kids as possible at a time, and then stomp their heads in with my feet. I feel like you should try to use your upper body as little as possible to avoid fatigue and injury (punching skulls can injure your hand). I would worry very much about a bunch of them surrounding me and suffocating me to the point where I didn't have the necessary room to get off a decent kick, and they lads would be too stacked to push over. I think you guys are aiming a bit too high, simply because I believe that stomping skulls, no matter how tiny, can get exhausting. Therefore, my estimate comes in at a more reasonable 50 bludgeoned tots. Also, would it be advisable/efficient, to hoist a kid over your head and hurl him in a crowd, and then follow up with a stomping party? Not only would that technique be pretty bad ass, I think it would provide a substantial morale boost for me, the hurler.

2) As the shortest in the group I have certain fears that you guys might not. I would be afraid of the "drag down effect." This would be one kid jumping on my back and before I am able to toss him he would be grabbed by other 5 year olds eventually creating enough pull to drag me down.

Once on the ground I would expect stomping and unless I have the power to get up after the drag… Well… that could be it for me. However I think the size of the room would help me. I would like to think I am much quicker then the 5 year olds and if I can get up enough speed I would be able to throw non-stop flying knees, which would destroy a kid in one blow. For this reason I would like to pick enough kids to fill up half the court this way there is enough room for me to move around and use my god given ability (thanks God I owe you one). So I am going to go for 90-100. I think they could fit easily in ½ of the court so spread out could cause the separation I need to be successful. The only thing that worries me is the fact that I am the most out of shape I have ever been and that me slowing down because of fatigued could resolute in the "drag down effect."


3) I could easily destroy 100+ five year olds at once. My logic is simple, at any given point I would only have approximately 12-14 pairs of tiny fists and feet striking me at once, causing minimal bruising / tickling sensations. I also doubt that five year olds are smart enough to come together in a concerted effort aiming to take me down by, for instance, standing on each other's shoulders to form one giant five year old capable of producing an impressive wallop. With each spinning roundhouse kick I threw, I estimate I would knock out between six and ten children, depending upon where my massive size 13 foot struck their fragile bodies.

She's So Lucky, She's a Star

The Hills Fans Can Rejoice!

Just a few months ago, The Hills "reality" star, Heidi Montag, released a single called "Higher" which made my ears bleed for days. Any idea how awkward it is being at work and having a stream of blood pouring out each ear? Actually, it's less awkward than you would image...if you're me (but this is coming from the guy who once got so blitzed he thought "Did you know you have a regulation sized ass" would flatter a girl).

I have not amassed the testicular fortitude to listen to Heidi's new single "No More" [insert your own gratuitous joke about ironic title here], but it is available here:

http://us.lrd.yahoo.com/_ylt=ApE.98MDMh8bWKRoF_6y9r3NwSUv/SIG=11u4ndctl/**http%3A//playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll%3FSID=61093569

You can call Heidi & her boyfriend, Spencer and let them know what you think:

Heidi (310) 220-0244
Spencer (310) 220-0215

Now, I could give a shit about Heidi, Spencer, or The Hills, but since I know most people have something to say to one of the most hated couples in California, enjoy.

Star explosion might be sign of ancient star war.

Wednesday March 19, 2008.
EARTH - Light was visible yesterday from a star that exploded 7.5 billion years ago. Due to the unfathomable distance of Earth from the star, scientists have pointed out that the explosion occurred "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." This discovery has led scientists to speculate that the blast might have been created by the destruction of a space station the size of a large moon. Scientists are guessing that such a spacecraft could have been built to maintain a totalitarian grip on a certain galactic empire, and to stamp out a "rebel alliance."

Adherence to the "space station" theory is far from unanimous however, as many scientists believe that a station of that size would be impossible to blow up. Astronomers who have studied theoretical diagrams of large space stations have pointed out that that if a missile went directly down a certain unguarded exhaust pipe, it could spark a chain reaction that would indeed blow up the mammoth vessel. Skeptics countered by pointing out that such an exhaust pipe would most likely be smaller than two meters, and certainly no larger than an Earth horse or Tatooine Wamp Rat.

Grammy Awards…More Accurate Then The Psychic On The Boardwalk??

Well in case some of you out there missed it Amy Winehouse (AKA Amy CRACKhouse) owned the Grammys with her numerous wins and incredible energetic performance (a close second being watching Carrot Top’s stand up comedy). However, her most notable moment was when she won album of the year for “Rehab”. Ok…seriously…am I the only person alive who found it hysterical that she won for an album called “Rehab” while she is currently in rehab. I believe that this is proof that in order to now win for album of the year you must follow the title of your album. If you and your album are one in the same…you cannot fail. Still don’t believe me…then tell me why Kayne West (a college dropout) lost with an album called “Graduation”. Very intriguing I must say. Well I have compiled a list of several album names that are sure to be winners at next years Grammys…

Britney Spears – Mental Institution
Lindsay Lohan – Sextape
Paris Hilton – Drunk Driving Accident
50 Cent – Assault Charges

And for the repeat win

Amy Winehouse – Overdose (with special guest posthumous vocals by Heath Ledger)

Wow that was way too soon…

Are they Doomed to repeat our mistakes?

Keep Your Hi-C Covered When I'm Playing With My Aqua Dots!!!

Aqua Dots, also known in Australia as Bindeez, were recently named the toy of the year at an Australian toy industry function. Aqua Dots are beads that can be arranged in fun patterns and when sprayed with water will fuse together.

Personally, I love Aqua Dots, although I prefer calling them Bindeez. They even serve a dual purpose! My first order of Bindeez buziness is to arrange them into crazy designs (like the Easter Bunny giving it to the Tooth Fairy with a carrot strap-on) - the ladies LOVE that shit!

Hear me out on my second point...that is at least read through the end of the paragraph before you judge me. The second order or Bindeez buziness is that when they are ingested, they release a chemical known as gamma hydroxy butyrate - which is a commonly used date rape drug, which is why Spin Master Toys debated between naming their revolutionary product "Bindeez" or "Roofeez". Date rape drugs do serve one very important purpose - and that is they can be soaked in water with an Altoid and be sold to rich kids as Ecstasy. Yeah...those dumb little bastards have nothing better to do than eating craft beads...just like me when I was a kid. Wait - no, that was glue.

Well, now that the word is out, I guess it's back on the celibacy bus for me!


Ed note: The above was all written in jest and irony. Date rape and producing toys that cause comas, seizures, and death are fucked up.

Sorry, no new post today for me.

I am viciously hung over right now and quite frankly… I don’t care about your thirst for new posts. Honestly, just don’t care. My head is killing me and my stomach is tossing around bile like me fighting 100 midgets. I don’t care if they all attack me at the same time. I would just pick them up and throw them, once they're on their backs they can’t get up. It’s science, those little arms can reach.

You know what, deal with it. So what! I haven’t posted anything in like a week. I am taking the day off. Oh what you are going to stop reading the page, shit I don’t care stop reading* whatever. No sweat off my sack. I think I am going to vomit. I wonder if I smell like alcohol? How old was that girl I was talking too? I hope she was a girl. It was Halloween. Now I am def going to vomit.

*Please don’t stop reading PESU!!! And please click on all the advertisement once they are up. WE LOVE YOU

I Wish The World Was Flat…So I Could Push You Off

The All Of A Sudden Boston Red Sox Fan – This is the type of person who fails to realize that there are more teams in baseball besides the Yankees and the Red Sox.
Look I’m not here to bash the Red Sox…although I’m not their number 1 fan, but quite honestly it seems like each and everyday there are more and more “die hard” Red Sox fans out there. First you must realize that I respect the real fans of the Red Sox, I mean they have stuck with the same team that hasn’t won in like a gazillion years prior to 2004 (Basically it’s the equivalent of rooting for the deaf kid to win in musical chairs). But there is a new breed of people out there…oh for arguments sake lets just call them…oh I don’t know….ummmm…“FRONT RUNNERS” which are giving all real fans of sports a bad name. I fully understand that people out there hate and despise the Yankees…but it doesn’t mean that you’re automatically a Red Sox fan. Look if you’re from Boston, or anywhere in New England you’re obviously a Sox fan…and I don’t care about you, I’m talking about the rest of those retards out there. I’m talking about the person who claims to be a fan, but when you ask them for last nights score they respond with…Oh I don’t watch baseball…the person who’s never seen a game in real life, the person who’s a fan only because Boston is an awesome city….those people are the ones I’m after. Half of these people, who claim to be fans, I bet couldn’t even name more than three pitchers in their bullpen (you know, the guys who pitch in the middle of the game, when you usually turn it off cause something better is on TV, because you really don’t care that much, because your not really a fan). Lately I’ve been going around talking to these mutants to see what really goes on in their little brains of theirs. The first person I met was a female (hey…I was horny). Basically she was dressed like a punk and/or emo person I couldn’t really tell, nor did I care, and I thought to myself wow this is going to be an easy target. So I asked her, why are you a Sox fan. Her response was simply…because the Yankees are the Evil Empire and I hate them, I hate how they waste all their money buying and selling players. A fair argument I must say, she really must know a lot, but what I found funny was that although she was dressed in what appeared to be clothes that cost 5 dollars combined, she was wearing $200 dollar boots….yes $200 dollar boots. Ironic I think so. Then I proceeded to ask her if she knew who had the second highest payroll in baseball…she looked at me as if I looked like Rocky Dennis. The second person I interviewed was your normal college male, unshaven, dirty hat, looks like he just rolled out of bed. When I asked him why he “loved” the Sox he said….cause they are awesome brah! (A terrific answer and I hope the parents of this child are happy to know that he spends more time getting baked than he does going to class. Like, “brah”, are you kidding me, this isn’t Hawaii, we aren’t taking surfboards to get to work). Mind you that this kid was also a fan of the Chicago Bulls, and the San Diego Chargers…so basically his love for sports is transcontinental…like my love for cheeseburgers. I feel like in today’s world if you’re a fan of the Sox it is the equivalent of being a fan of the Cowboys in the 90’s, which is perfectly fine if you’re a kid, but not when your fucking 27. If you can name players on their team prior to them being good then you’re a fan, and A OK in my book, but if you can’t and/or didn’t know that the Sox had a team prior to them being good, well then I suggest you take your brand new Red Sox hat, your Beckett jersey, and your “love” for the Sox into a car, hit the gas till you reach about 75-80 and drive right into a fucking brick wall.

PS- Did anyone else find it funny that Chewbacca is a lefty??

Virginia Tech School for Criminals

I know what you're thinking. Where did these two learn how to not smile, and have large, greasy foreheads?

VTSC.

That's what they should change the name of VT to. Virginia Tech School for Criminals. Think about it. When your two most famous alumni are a mass-murderer, and a Korean guy that killed a lot of students, (I know, anyone else would think the top guy the murderer and the Korean guy the one that killed a bunch of dogs for pleasure- I hear they're delicious) you might as well change the name of the school.

What? Virginia Tech Sucks.

*CORRECTION* Only one graduated.

Too soon?