Please Everyone Shutup

Best Line Ever

2010-08-13T19:11:00.003-04:00

Man in a Cave

2010-07-13T17:25:00.005-04:00

This is a picture of a man in a cave. I don't know what he is doing in the cave. Do you? Maybe he lost his favorite hat and it is too dark in there for him to find it. That could be the reason, although it probably isn't.

Maybe he is looking for a bear to share some of the honey he purchased at the grocery store. He finds it sweet and delicious so he wants a new bear friend to enjoy it with him. That probably isn't it either.

Why is he in the cave?

Ricky Martin

2010-03-31T18:24:00.003-04:00

So, Ricky Martin is gay... yawn... so like, what else is new?

I Don't Remember Setting My Alarm

2010-01-26T23:30:00.002-05:00

This story is 100% true. It is an old story but I figured, what the hell.

Fuckkkkkkkk. Fuckkkkkk. Blame it on the al al alcohol, blasted as I awoke from a deep slumber. I noticed my figures were separated slightly which made me nervous. I opened my eyes and realized... I had no fucking clue where I was. The music was coming from an alarm clock way across the room. The tv was on playing the news. My fingers felt something alien to them. There was another hand in my hand! I felt the springs of the bed move on their own, magic bed?(that's what I thought too) but no! There was another person in the bed! A girl person!

She got up and walked over to the alarm clock and changed the dial, finally finding a top 40's channel that was playing a shitty song she liked. The night rushed back to me... Leaving tobers... Going to the Shannon... Cutting a long line of d-bags... Shots...shots... Dancing... Shots... Then, a girl. The dame currently changing radio stations. Why would a girl want to listen to Chris Brown at 8:50 am and why would she set her alarm on a Sunday? Fuck! Mothers day!

I decide I should get up and leave. I am quite discouraged when I see my clothes neatly placed in the corner of the room... My nuts also had a head ache... I looked across the room at the woman I had hibernated with the prior night, shit... I don't remember her name! Cup of noodles flashes into my mind. Then she says "I am still drunk" a sentiment I shared. I make a move for the door, when I realize I don't have this girls number. Normally I wouldn't give a shit however I had just promised myself that I would start calling girls for "dates" and completely change my game. So I began the awkward number acquiring by saying "I didn't get your number, here is my phone... Put it in." She couldn't figure out my phone however I found out her name... Pam... But not the huge titted asian kind... The trashy, bring a guy home, not have sex with him, let him eat cup if noodles on her couch at 4am kind.

I opened her door to the sunny Hoboken street. I walked to the corner to find I am on Jefferson and Second. Panic sets in... I have to get home... Buy a card... Buy flowers... Be a good son. So I began my walk to the PATH. I reached into my pocket and felt a piece of paper. Right then I knew what this piece of paper was from, last night I broke out the credit card. I pulled it out 44 dollars... Not bad. a second time I went into my pocket for my phone and felt another piece of paper... 34 dollars. Ouch... I still did not get my phone. One more time my hand enter my pocket to find... Another fucking receipt. Unreal.

I stopped at CVS and purchased a Mothers Day card and a Gatorade. I ran home showered, hopped in a cab to Penn Station. Barely caught my train home, Happy Mothers day.

Scooby Doo, PESUP

2008-12-27T01:50:00.003-05:00

Hey Guys,

Sorry for the delay, Please Everyone Shut Up has created its first YouTube video. Please watch it and love it and tell everyone.

Hope you guys enjoy.

Oh yeah, WE ARE COMING BACK!

Save the Boobs!

2008-10-03T15:57:00.002-04:00

Hi friends, in honor of Lee's Denim Day, I'm offering to provide breast exams fully free of charge to the first 100 women to participate in this exclusive offer. Restrictions apply: no fatties or uggos, unless the uggos have crazy good bodies and wear bags over their head and promise never to show me their faces.

In all seriousness, please click the link above and donate a few bucks to breast cancer research - 1 in 9 women in the world will develop breast cancer and 1 out of every 2 people you know have breasts (plus, here's a little known fact: men can actually get breast cancer, but we try to macho it up by saying "pec cancer" or "chest cancer"). Unfortunately, this disease has a high chance of hitting close to home at some point in your life.

But seriously, boobs...

OK! Magaine Lies More Than Scientology...And Doesn't Even Use Aliens

2008-09-30T19:12:00.005-04:00

What your looking at is this months cover of OK! magazine (I noticed this while I was at the Supermarket trying to decide on which candy bar I was going to purchase. I went with the Milky Way, its safe, consistent, and durable...it's basically the Toyota Camry of candy bars). OK! Magazine has just accomplished the impossible...they used the words Kim Kardashian and Thin in the same sentence.

Well, I attempted to read this poor excuse for an article and I was astonished. Apparently you can still be skinny even though you have giant curves and an ass the size of Texas. Now, I'm not saying that Kim is fat, not gonna lie I would hit it, but shes in no way skinny. Mischa Barton is skinny, Kate Hudson is skinny, Kim Kardashian has a giant ass. Imagine if I went around saying that I'm skinny, just that my giant gut and thick wrists are curvy. See?

A Good Cup of Coffee.

2008-09-30T17:23:00.002-04:00

Coffee... the second best thing you can get in the morning... the first, is oral.

Please Everyone Shut Up… Not everyone is gay, just most people.

2008-09-26T08:31:00.000-04:00

This week was a big “coming out” party for celebrities; however I don’t call it “coming out” when they were obviously gay for years.

Lindsay Lohan admitted to being in a homosexual relationship with Sam Ronson. NO WAY!!! Impossible I have only seen about 50 pictures of them kissing, holding hands and oh yeah scissoring each other. Ok maybe not the last one but come on. When was this a secret?

Clay Aiken, ok first hint… his first name rhymes with gay. DUH. Second of all, if you are holding a cigarette next to him you don’t need a lighter to begin sucking down those delicious poison fumes. You just need to lean closer to him and it will ignite.

Tom Cruise, who didn’t see this coming? wait he didn’t? Are you sure? I had this whole thing written up about him finally admitting he was gay and wanting to have sex with alien men with glowing penises and stuff… oh well that joke doesn’t work now. Although I will keep it on ice for when he finally does come out and then it will kill. KILL I tell you!!!

I have no problem with gay guys. Nope, none what so ever, if they are gay then they are out banging dudes, you know what that does? IT LEAVES MORE WOMEN FOR ME! Hey if every guy out there became a butt pirate do you know how much pussy I would get! More then I can shake a stick at for sure.

You know what I do have a problem with? Lesbians. Yeah that’s right I might be the first guy ever born that doesn’t like female carpet munchers. Sure it is nice to see two good looking women go at it for awhile but do you know what that leaves me with? MY FUCKING HAND!!! If a hot woman, wants to do other hot women that eliminates two hot women from doing me. It’s math.

PS: I am so happy my grandmother doesn’t have internet.

David Blaine… Please Shut Up

2008-09-25T14:02:00.001-04:00

“Magician” David Blaine preformed another one of his stunts in Central Park this week. Oh you didn’t hear about it? That’s weird considering David Blaine is still such a big star.

Blaine hung upside-down for 60 hours. Yup, hung upside-down, now that’s fucking magic. Just as magical as that time he laid in a grave for a week with no food. Yup, not eating, magic. Or that time he was underwater for 4 days and he was breathing in scuba gear. Yeah, I can’t even make up something that is magical about that one.

What the fuck David! Make a quarter disappear and then reappear behind my ear. That is magic… not eating for a week, that isn’t magic, that’s starving! Fucking homeless people do that all the time. They can also make a quarter disappear, however they never make it reappear. That is why they are homeless and not magicians.

So David either do some magic or go away. No one cares about the dumb shit you do. What’s next? You’re not going to shave for a month? Holy shit, this guy can do anything!!!

Reason Number 69 (heh heh) Why I Love Soap Operas

2008-09-18T17:59:00.005-04:00

Mischa Barton, star of the smash hit, but short lived TV series The O.C. had a little too much fun last night at the Fashion Relief Show in London. I don't really know what the Fashion Relief Show is... but by looking at this picture it has something to do with relieving someone of their clothes.

All I wanna know is, where do I sign up for next years event, is there a waiting list, and of course what type of meals will be served at this event. To save some time if anyone knows the answers to these questions go something along the lines of online, no waiting list, and vegetable platters...my response would have to be "Well then I'm sorry but the first two sound great to me, but unfortunately I cannot deal with the last one. Thank you for your time, and I hope next year you will consider some type of Buffet style event as I would love to attend". PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!

Next on the Auction Block, This Fine Young Lady's Hymen

2008-09-16T12:08:00.006-04:00

click this link for article
This lovely young lady, going by the alias Natalie Dylan, is auctioning her virginity to help pay for her graduate school because "[She] wants to earn her Master's degree without having to work while doing her studies." I applaud Natalie for her extreme laziness. Hmmm, work for 4 years or get felt up/wrecked by some creepy old guy? It's a toss up.

Dylan's taken a polygraph test and is willing to undergo a medical exam to prove her v-card status. Man she's lucky that it's still in tact. My ex-girlfriend lost hers while she was riding a horse. And then again after having sex with several men.

Apparently, hundreds of offers have already come in, most (I'm guessing) are from lonely, old guys. Some offers on the table have been from male virgins. Dennis Hof, who is helping organize/legitimize the auction, says Natalie will be considering may factors in determining who she will make the lucky man, who will have an awkward, bloody, painful (on her end) good time. She'll be considering the amount of money offered and the man's personality. "She wants to be with a nice person that is going to help her continue her education," said Hof. Don't we all, Dennis? Don't we all...

Let's be honest here. She's cute, but not quarter of a mill cute...unless I get to keep her when I'm done.

Britney's New Album Drops this December

2008-09-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

Following her mega-hit album, Blackout, Britney Spears will be dropping her hotly anticipated album, Circus, this December. Oh shit, I forgot sarcasm does not translate well when typed.

When asked for a comment about Circus, Britney replied, "Circus? I like dem monkies. Dey always touchin' theyselves. This one time, I done seen one scratch his butt and then he done fell off the tree..." Ms. Spears continued talking but I tuned out.

Three things I look forward to dropping more than the new Britney album:
1. Rosie O'Donnell's bowel movement after half a cheese cake, two glasses of milk, and a 7 course meal at El Cholo
2. A meteor
3. My white blood cell count

NOT a Note Worthly Conspiracy Thoery

2008-09-11T12:24:00.003-04:00

9.11 brings out feelings in every American. Some are saddened by the people who were lost, some feel fearful of another attack, Texans feel they should buy a gun and fire wildly into the sky and some (loser assholes) feel 9.11 was a government conspiracy.

While walking past the World Trade Center this morning I saw many people morning and honoring the fallen men and women. Some in tears, some holding flags, but there was a collective sense of togetherness as we can all agree that what happened 7 years ago was a terrible act of cowardice.

When I finally got through the crowd (I was 25 minutes late for work) I saw another group of people wearing the shirt shown above. They stood completely by themselves armed with unkempt facial hair, glasses and guts. These Michael Moore want-to-bes leaned against a building breathing heavily as this has been the most physical thing they have done in the last 10 years.

They claim they are there to make people think, it sure made me think. “These guys are all Jerkoffs.”

They claim that they have proof, they sure proved a lot of things to me. 1) They proved that they don’t have jobs. Who can afford to sit out there all day and just hang out? It's a fucking Thursday. 2) They proved that without jobs they definitely live in their mother’s basement and play computer games all day.

Who needs girls when you have World of Warcraft and Hot Pockets?

A Note Worthy Conspiracy Theory

2008-09-10T18:17:00.003-04:00

I am not a sweet-tooth. I have always preferred chips and beer over candy and milk shakes. I really like salt and I find that nothing compliments chips, pretzels and hot wings (I don't care if they aren't salty, they are fucking awesome) better than a nice frosty brew. So you can understand my amazement when I stumbled upon a tiny piece of chocolate named Mr. Goodbar.

I looked up the ingredient and they were quite simple: chocolate and peanuts. Who hasn't had those two together, they are an epic combination. Yet still I didn't see anything to go nuts (stupid puns) about. I opened the cleverly named bar and popped it in my mouth. Then I shouted the first thing that came to my mind.

“What the fuck Mr. Goodbar!” at which my co-workers looked at me in shock.

That little chocolate man created such a delicious explosion in my mouth, I could hardly contain myself. After re-examining the wrapper for the hidden ingredient, I saw that there was none. I immediately took another bar and ran back to my desk.

From there I hung Mr. Goodbar upside down and dipped him in and out of water as I yelled (they really shouldn't tell the American public how they torture people, waterboarding is really easy to do).

“What is in you, you son of a bitch!?” “Why are you so fucking delicious?!” “You better start fucking talking?!”

Yet he wouldn't. He was as stoic as a statue. I could appreciate this as a man, however I thought to myself, “I must break him.” This is when I went back to the bag of mini candy bars and noticed that Mr. Goodbar had a wife. Her name: Krackel.

Soon after my threats against Krackel's life, I broke Mr. Goodbar. It seems he couldn't handle watching me crack her crispies. Defeated, he told me the secrets of his genetic make-up. It seems in the 60’s there was an adjustment to the composition of the bar when more “peanuts” were added… More peanuts, sure, you call it peanuts, I call it heroin. That’s right! Heroin, in your chocolate, yup you heard it here.

Fuck me, I need another fix of Mr. Goodbar.

What Do Tina Turner and Cuba Have in Common?

2008-09-09T12:30:00.003-04:00

Ike smacked the crap outta them.

"This has been a curse on Cuba," said Vanessa Rincon, 46, as she waited in a long line at a Havana grocery store, holding a handcart full of candles, water, crackers, bread, soft drinks and chocolate. "We were spared for so long but now we're coming face to face with hell. Our luck has run out."

I agree. This is what Commies get. Plus, I bet one of the Castro's had her killed shortly after for defaming her country. My thought is that Kim Jong Il and a renegade Soviet have stumbled upon a weather-making machine from the days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. First Katrina, then Gustav, now Ike. Think. Katrina (Russian), Gustav (German/Russian), Ike (Tina Turner beater, therefore un-American). To cover their tracks of trying to blow up the Gulf-Coast oil reserves, they had to martyr Cuba. Will these Commies stop at nothing!!!???!!!

Whatcha Talkin' About Willis?

2008-09-07T19:39:00.003-04:00

Everybody's 2nd favorite famous 80's black child-actor that had a growth disease (I've always liked Webster's Emmanuel Lewis best) Gary Coleman done went and hit a man with his truck. The story goes, Coleman was in a bowling alley, a fan wanted a picture of or with him, Gary didn't want the fan to have that picture. The fan took it anyway. Coleman pulled out of his parking spot and hit him later in the night.

Wow. You can't make that up. Little people driving trucks. Can he even see over the dash? Cause that would be a totally acceptable defense. It was an accident. He's three feet tall. He couldn't see.

I think back to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Short-round sits on phone books and has huge platform shoes to drive the taxi. "Docta Jones, Docta Jones, you snap one more picta of me, I drive ova you!" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Doctor Jones???" Yeah, that's awesome.

Heart Attack!

2008-09-05T15:16:00.005-04:00

Members of the band Heart are furious that Sarah Palin's intro song is their late 70's hit Barracuda. If you know the song, it's pretty fun and it's also on one of the Guitar Hero games. It goes something like this:

[Low electric distorted guitar]
Dun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duhduhdun duh duhdah

[weird screechy singing]
You lying so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me
You'd have me down down down down on my knees
Now wouldn't you, barracuda?

Sarah Palin (a.k.a. Loki's newest crush, a.k.a. Sarah Barracuda from her high school basketball days) is probably THE most important vice-presidential candidate in US history. Think about it. Does anyone care what Biden does? He's just Biden his time (haha, sorry, that was crappy). But if McCain were to win the election somehow, he could die within 20 minutes of inauguration being 375 years old. Never before has anyone expected the Pres to die of old age in office. This could happen, and we could have a semi-hotty hockey mom with a slutty daughter as the first female President of the US.

So Heart is mad. They, like all other musicians and actors, are unabashedly liberal. Which I don't get. They basically get paid inordinate amounts of money, give SOME of it back. I know Brangelina is amazing and whatever, but they just bought a friggin' $70 million vineyard in France, and something tells me they could've done with a lavish $2 million and given $68 million to some country in Africa where all the citizens' yearly income together is less. And yet they pretend to care about the common man, or the blue-collar worker. They suck! They sit around for 2-3 hours a day getting their hair and make-up done, 3 hours with a personal trainer, and then they act like they're someone cool. And then they collect. Or with rock stars, they just sit on a pimped-out bus and do drugs, have sex, and tour the country. Boo-hoo. So don't pretend like you care. And if someone wants to use your music, or your catch phrase, or your likeness, deal with it. That's what you get paid for. Like your music has THAT much influence where it'll sway someone to vote for the McCain ticket. Get over yourself.

Paris Hilton Falls Prey To Password Hacker...So Do 12 Year Olds

2008-09-05T14:15:00.003-04:00

Yes, that's correct. Like many other Americans, Paris has had her computer password stolen by hackers using sophisticated XxHAXORxX techniques...like e-mail and AIM. Apparently these password stealing people are a huge problem because some guy wrote an article about it, and I actually bothered to read it (the whole thing too).

Honestly, when the hell was the last time you heard of anyone getting their password stolen like this... 1, maybe 2 DECADES ago? Jesus Christ I remember when I was around 13 and me any my friends used to sit around and try to steal our friend's passwords the exact same way. I think it worked once...and only because we tried it on his little brother, who was fucking 7 at the moment.

Lastly, I love how this article uses Paris Hilton as its test subject. Like OMG if Paris fell for it...anyone could! I say good job to those hackers. They studied their opponents and went for the weakest link. Like when a tiger attacks the baby antelope in a herd grazing the fields of the African plains. Except in this scenario, Paris is still alive. God damnit Paris stop ruining Darwinism.

An Elephant Never... um... Forgets?

2008-09-05T12:55:00.004-04:00

Well. They've done it. They've FINALLY gotten an elephant off of heroine. About time. I keep seeing those elephants on the street trying to offer me peanuts for blow. And this one Babar guy keeps trying to hang out with me, when we both know the last time he was around, he stole my watch to sell it for crack. Don't believe me? Read the story linked to the picture.

This one elephant's traders fed him heroine-laced bananas to keep him manageable. The Chinese government found out, and they put the goofy bastard on an island for rehab for 3 years, all the while shooting it with 5 times the human dose of methadone. Now he's clean and making all his amends from the 12-step program. I've heard he's accepted that there is a higher power, but I'm still waiting on my call.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. And no, I don't think we can trick Amy Winehouse into a vacation on a remote Chinese island, even if we DO tell her they'd shoot her up with 5 times the human dose of methadone. She needs at least 10. And she ain't goin' to rehab. No, no, no.

Fight Fire with Cry-er

2008-09-04T11:54:00.005-04:00

Now, you're gonna think I'm crazy. And I am. Crazy like a FOX!!! But bear with me here.

The article above (linked to the picture) explains that children are up to 3 times as fire retardant as their mothers. When babies drool on the tv remote or lick the tv or do whatever they do while you're watching Tyra and basically ignoring them being a terrible mother, they imbibe fire retardant chemicals which pool in their blood.

After animal testing (I'm all for it, those little bastards should learn algebra like everyone else), it was determined that this could lead to reproductive problems down the road, or hyperactivity. But thus far, no problems have been found in humans.

So, I say we feed kids this stuff on their Cheerios. Then we dress them up all cute, and send them into burning buildings. Think about it.

1) Fiscal Responsibility. Why pay fire fighters and their families pensions? Babies don't have kids or husbands/wives. That's gross. Plus, if we're feeding them this stuff, odds are they won't be fertile anyways. We could probably get away with just giving them happy meals. Those things are like 3 bucks tops.

2) Babies are small. You ever see a movie where the firefighter gets stuck under something and ultimately dies sacrificing himself for a lost child? Babies wouldn't get stuck! They can crawl out of anything. They're the size of bowling balls, and there ain't much that can trap one of them.

3) THESE babies will be immune to fire. Fire retardant? Check! They'd be like tiny dragons.

4) Babies are lazy. What have babies done for us besides being extremely cute and crapping and crying? Get a job!

(Paid for by Mr. Book for President)

Tatum Bell-Boy

2008-09-04T11:14:00.003-04:00

The above picture is of former Detroit Lions running back Tatum Bell. Now, good ole Tatum was picked up by Detroit last year from the Denver Broncos. He didn't play much all season and this year he was about to be overshadowed by rookie running back Kevan Smith.

The Cincinnati Bengals had freshly cut their old starting running back, Rudi Johnson, who had been in and out of the team doctor's office with injury after injury. When Rudi was healthy, he was a strong running back, and had even made the Pro-Bowl. So the Lions invited him up for a workout, and before you know it, they sign Johnson.

This of course did not please Tatum Bell. Within a few days, Rudi was on the team, and Detroit cut Bell. As a going away gift, Tatum went into the locker room and stole two Gucci bags that Johnson had been given as a present for going to the Pro-Bowl. The Lions had security footage showing Bell take the bags. Johnson was infuriated and apparently Bell told him that he mistook the bags for another player's and delivered the luggage to a female companion of said player.

A woman eventually appeared at team headquarters with the bags, but they were empty. Johnson stood to lose credit cards, his ID, underwear and gym socks. He cancelled his credit cards, but not the underwear...

Now, is anyone surprised a football player stole another football player's luggage? No. 3 players in the past 18 months have been shot, with 2 deaths and the current victim (Jacksonville Jaguar's Offensive Lineman Richard Collier) in critical condition. What I'm surprised with is that this man had Gucci bags. These guys are supposed to be all thug and tough, but they walk around with their Gucci bags and their Perrier, and their pinkies held up as they sip their Earl Grey.

Plus, I heard that the bags went MUCH better with what Bell was wearing that day, so all charges were dropped.

In the Pipelines

2008-09-03T15:50:00.003-04:00

Because celebrities have been boring lately, the fine fellas of PESUp have decided to make their own news. You see, while appearing to be lazy the past few weeks, we've actually been hard at work behind the scenes... filming a short film. McNugget, Murdoch, Loki, and myself have been producing, filming, directing, and starring in our first film *Not our REAL first, but the first one that has actual production value*. It's currently in the edit stage, and we have one more scene to film. We'll put it up on YouTube and link it directly once we're done. For a special few of you (maybe a contest winner or something???) we'll send out a DVD, complete with blooper-reel.

We've also made some bumperstickers that are basically our logo with a snazzy catch-phrase. I know we've arranged for Sara and Puck to have some. If you'd like one, just comment.

For better news...

The possible Vice-President's daughter is preggo. No, not the sauce. But she's 17, and it seems like she must lika the sauce...

Pro AND College Football are officially both back as of Thursday night. The defending Superbowl champions play the 'Skins, and the 18-1 wonders play the KC Chiefs.

This means that Fantasy football is back. And I love it. I hope Tom Brady has a disgusting 95 touchdowns this year, and that he doesn't choke until the playoffs again like last year.

TV fall line-ups will start in full swing. Some shows have even returned. Plus, it's always fun to see which crappy new shows will bomb while they replace old favorites that were cancelled way before their time.

Fall is in the air. Everything cools down a bit, reminds you of going to school or college, and you begin to have a unique blend of nostalgia/suicidal tendencies longing for before you had to work 8-12 hours a day doing boring stuff in front of a computer.

Take care for now!

Heidi Montag's New Single is a Hit

2008-09-03T09:53:00.003-04:00

Heidi Montag's new single, Overdosin' is now available for your viewing pleasure:

Wait? No, not pleasure. What's the opposite of pleasure?

The new video is supposed to be a spoof (I think) on 80's workout videos a la Jane Fonda. However, a spoof is no excuse why her mouth cannot be synched up with the lyrics. She's truly taken campy to a whole new level. On the plus side, this song is slightly less bad than the rest of the crap she's put out thus far. And it's better than Scarlett Johannsen's song. But, in Scarlett's defense, she has MUCH bigger cans. And hers are real.

Although Heidi's music continues to be crap, I like the message. But instead of love, Heidi and Spencer should overdose on something a little stronger. Like bleach. Or oven cleaner.

Also, the Japanese, while smart and efficient, tend to mostly come in compact.

It's Been a Good Day for Photos

2008-08-27T01:41:00.006-04:00

I've been having trouble keeping it in my pants all day. This morning, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a picture of a 27 month pregnant Minnie Driver. I never found skinny Minnie to be attractive. Now add to that another 75 lbs and subtract a hair and make up artist. I am in for a treat!

Next, I found out that Julie Roberts went from being an average looking chick with DSLs to a flatso. Seriously, this chick is making $20 million dollars per movie, whereas I am only making $200 per scene for, ahem, similar type work. And she only looks slightly better than me in a bikini...

Kelly Osbourne, on the other hand, has been looking HOT lately. I think it's the new tattoo...

With beauties like this roaming the globe, I have no clue what prevents me from being a rapist. Just kidding! It's my parole officer. She's a hardass...

Celeb Round-Up

2008-08-27T01:02:00.004-04:00

I know. We suck. Myself and the future Mrs. Book were on a romantic vacation after Loki and I attended a wedding (hint hint, let's just say the bride was very de-generous). Mr. Murdoch celebrated his birthday by being sick most of the week, and McNugget, well, is McNugget and never posts despite his lack of a job during the week.

But alot has happened in the celebrity world recently, and we'd like to keep you abreast of the situation.

Speaking of abreast...
Apparently Hollywood is under some sort of bra and panties shortage in the past few years. First there was Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan all flashing their coochies getting out of a car. Then there was Lily Allen falling out of a shirt like 30 times despite her A-cup warriors. And now it's remarkable if you see Katie Holmes or Lindsay Lohan out WEARING a bra. (When will they learn that sheer black fabric with photo flashes is like spraying a cold hose onto a white t-shirt?)

The Golden Boy
Question: How much does it take to get a meeting with Lindsay Lohan?
Answer: 8 Gold Medals
Michael "Breaststroker" Phelps (it's a little nickname we have, you'd understand it if you knew him as well as I do) said 4 years ago that he was really into Lindsay Lohan. Then he had only 6 gold medals and 2 bronze. Now that he has 8 from Beijing, Lindsay finally wants to meet with him. Also, she's been off the man-meat so long, she'd prolly hit anything.

Surprising News
Amy Winehouse was reportedly see doing coke in public. Katherine Heigl is still an uppity bitch that badmouths anyone working with her and has a skewed view of her place in the universe. Heidi Montag still can't sing, but that won't stop her from making records.

Wrap a pink ribbon 'round the old oak tree...
Kelly Bundy (Samantha Who? for you chicks) had her boobs scooped out. I really hate cancer. But I think breast cancer is the cruelest form. One day they're sitting there pretty, and the next, some doctor is trying to rip them off saying you'll die if you don't. If I could make a gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make one that kills Shia LaBeouf. If I could make a second gun that would kill anything in the world, I'd make THAT one kill breast cancer. Yeah, that's just how much I hate it. It's SOOOO close to Shia. And everyone knows how much I hate him.

Ahhhhhhh! Moment
McCauley Culkin has been dating Mila Kunis for years and they're listed as "domestic partners" on wikipedia. What the hell. Things like this is why we have the site. Bleh.

Brain Dead Americans

2008-08-27T00:16:00.003-04:00

Fucking Americans... Are we so fucking stupid that we are entertained by "reality" TV. These ~~Jackasses~~ normal people picked to compete in some sort of competition in which the winner betters their life some how as America sits there like a bunch of stogies rooting for their favorites.

American Idol? How the fuck can there be 8 seasons of that shit? Wasn't it made to find the best singer? I mean once the first person won isn't the next winner the second best singer? Who gives a shit about the second best anything?

Well now the reason for this post, a brand new reality TV show is coming out in early September. The show is called "Hole in the Wall". Contestants will be standing on a platform over a pool as a wall moves closer to them. Then the person has to jump/duck/position themselves correctly to fit through the hole in the wall (such a clever name). If they do this they probably win money or some shit.

Oh you don't believe me?

You know what? On second thought I am going to watch this show in hopes that someone gets terribly injured. Don't get me wrong, I don't hope any individual harm. However I hope the masses learn from the death of one asshole on a stupid show.

Shit if it keeps up like this TV shows won't need writers anymore... What else are the PESUP crew and jewish people going to do?

Modanna is One of the Signs Revelations Warned Us About

2008-08-25T18:56:00.004-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE END MY FRIENDS!

This picture is irrefutable proof that the four horsemen of the Apocalypse have ascended to Earth to claim the souls of the wicked. You are looking at a picture of Famine. No word yet on where her horse is or the location of the other 3 horsemen, however you can not deny this fact: The end of the world is here.

What? Are you trying to tell me this is Madonna? You mean to tell me this is the singer from the 80's Madonna?

Hey, I was raised Catholic I think I would know what the horsemen look like and I say that is definitely it.

Ellen Degeneres to Wed This Weekend

2008-08-15T14:53:00.002-04:00

Ellen Degeneres and long time girlfriend, Amanda Lee Rogers (yes, she changed her name TO Portia De Rossi) will be getting married this weekend, and I think everybody is with me when I ask: would a handy from Ellen Degeneres make me gay?

On one hand, I bet she has pretty strong, rough hands and she looooves the vag, which would make the answer lean towards yes. On the other hand, she technically has a vag and it would be HILARIOUS to see her trying to work my bone. It would be like watching a retard with a Rubik’s cube. First, he’d try to fuck it. When that didn’t work, he’d try to eat it, throw pudding at it, and then attempt to fuck it again (in that order). Yeah, Ellen and Lil’ Lok’ would get along famously. Maybe they could even get a sitcom...

Sports Update: Nothing Nastia about Her

2008-08-15T09:17:00.004-04:00

What's up today?

US Women's Gymnastics kicks ass. Nastia Liukin won Gold and Shawn Johnson won Silver, despite the judges clearly cheating and giving them shittier scores than the Chinese. Now what's that you say? Didn't know I was a gymnastics fan? I'm not. I'm a gymNASTIA fan. That girl is skinny, blond, short, barely legal, and so flexible, she could probably wrap her legs around her head... twice. Plus now she's famous, and that leads to rich.

But she and I could never make it. She'd blow her fortunes on Chalk and Wrist Braces (what's with gymnasts and chalk?). And as soon as she allowed her body to take the natural growth spurt by not prolonging whatever voodoo magic gymnasts use, she probably wouldn't be as flexible and skinny. But it's ok. The breakup would be better than our second story.

These two broke up.

If you don't know them, they're Mike Francesa and Chris Russo from Mike & the Maddog fame. They had been together for 19 years as radio personalities in the NYC metro-area. Last evening, while on vacation, Chris "Maddog" Russo had enough and quit the station.

For anyone that's been listening lately, this SUCKS. Why? Dynamic dead? No, they pretty much hated each other, and you could tell on the air. It's cause both of them have been taking vacation every other week, so that they didn't have to be around each other. And they SUCK doing a show by themselves. Mike with his boring atonal voice just drags on about the Yankee glory days and Russo just talks about Tennis and Bruce Springsteen concerts since his San Francisco Giants suck.

Together the droning voice and high-pitched nasal squeal would be somewhat charming. But alone... Tune into another station...

The Plug-In Electric: The Apex of Societal Retardation

2008-08-14T16:35:00.004-04:00

Struggling manufacturer, General Motors, is in process of developing the Chevy Volt, a plug in electric that gets 40 miles from a lithium-ion battery pack and can be recharged through being plugged into a standard outlet, by 2010. People, being sheep, are in a tizzy over this "gas-saving wonder". Sites like GM-Volt.com, have over 33,000 people signed up on unofficial waiting lists (although the average price people are willing to pay is $32,000; while Chevy has affixed a $40,000 sticker to this vehicle). Doesn't the Volt sound too good to be true?

Well, here's a shocker to the 33,000 idiots that are signed up on the fake Volt waiting lists - it is! The theory behind the gas saving plug-in electric car is a farce. Let's take a look at how the Volt draws energy: through being plugged into a wall outlet. Let's see...where does the energy in a wall outlet come from? Electricity, right? Right. Now let's extrapolate a step further. Where does electricity come from? It comes from a power plant. A power plant converts GASOLINE and NATURAL GAS from their current forms into electricity and distributes the charged electrons from the power plant to the wall outlet in your home. In other words, electricity is derived from gasoline. But here's the kicker: gasoline in your gas tank may be more efficient than gasoline that has to first be converted into electricity at a power plant and then distributed, losing a large amount of charged electrons along the way due to entropy and inertia. Not to mention, only being able to get 40 miles to a charged battery pack is nothing. You WILL get stuck. A lot.

The plug-in electric hybrid is a farce. It does not save on gas and may ultimately be more INefficient. If you want to save on gasoline or stop support the oil exporters, buy a car that can run on bio-diesel. Then you can take the discarded oil from McDonalds (or your personal fryer, fatty) and run a car on that. Or buy a compact and read a hyper-miler's handbook. PT Barnum said it best, "There's a sucker born every minute". Don't be that guy.

Chad Johnson (AKA Ocho Cinco), Please Shut Up!!

2008-08-14T15:58:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Chad Johnson did an interview on one of my top ten favorite television shows Pardon the Interruption or PTI, hosted by Tony Kornheiser (who needs to stop doing Monday night football) and Michael Wilban (who needs to realize there's other cities in the world besides Chicago). The interview started off normal, talking about football and other trivial things, and then it jumped to the Olympics. During this segment Chad got all Ocho Cinco and began to stir up trouble. Watch for yourself...

RRRIIIIGGGHHHTTT. Sure Chad, the best swimmers in the world can't beat Phelps, but apparently you, and your inner city swimming gang can. I'm not a racist, but I do know that every stereotype has some truth to it. For example...black people can't swim. There will NEVER be a famous black swimmer just like there will never be a famous Asian Nascar Driver.

The Spanish Are Dicks, but Pretty Funny.

2008-08-14T14:48:00.004-04:00

More Olympic goodies. Over reaction is quite common place in this PC, puckered assholed world. This is one of the reasons PESUP was created. Here is a perfect case. The Spanish Olympic basketball team posed for this picture a week before they left for the Olympics in Japan. They pulled back their eyelids to create the “slanty eyed” affect. Many Asian Countries took offense to the photo and are asking for a formal apology.

I can agree that this was in bad taste, but when was the last time you saw something funny that wasn’t. Asia, if your mad just make fun of the Spanish… Let’s see what we can say. Lazy, rude, oh and the fact that they couldn’t pick a government so rather then getting involved in real wars they just fought themselves for the last two hundred years.

Huh? The Olympics are in China… What’s the difference?

Loki Likey the New Lara Croft

2008-08-14T13:36:00.004-04:00

Angelina Jolie is being replaced as the face of Tomb Raider's Lara Croft by this lovely young lady, named Alison Carroll (click for larger image). Granted, I'm an admitted Angelina Jolie hater. Her pompous "I'm gonna save the world while concurrently adopting every kid I see along the way" attitude just rubs me the wrong way. She's too self-important and may be the most overpaid person alive.

Inevitably, every time I open my mouth to rant about my dislike of Angelina, I get the same old, trite response, "Well, you wouldn't kick her out of bed, Loki". Well, you're right. But, I wouldn't kick your mom out of bed either and I hate her too. After all, she gave birth to you, didn't she?

On a side note, skinned knees are so sexy. I love the commitment!

There is Nothing Sexy about Food Addiction

2008-08-14T13:15:00.002-04:00

So, I'm sitting here in the PESUP office, staring vacantly into space. This isn't unusual. I draw my salary by sitting, staring, being an awesome whiffle ball left handed pitcher with the arm stamina of Orlando Hernandez wearing lead weights, and by trying to keep pace in soft shelled taco eating competitions with Murdoch and McNugget.

During one of my staring sessions, a thought occurs to me. I've read the Jenna Jameson autobiography. Why? Um, because it's basically a book of confessions from a sex addict. I've read the Nikki Sixx autobiography, because it's the confessions of a drug addict who has sex with sex addicts and groupie bitches. I've read the Gene Simmons autobiography because I want to hear about how one of the ugliest men alive gets more ass than a couch cushion at the Kardashian house. I've read the Rodney Dangerfield autobiography, because it's really funny. The point is drug addiction and sex addiction are sexy. People want to know about who famous people diddle. How many people? Where? When? How many people were involved? They also want to know what people had to do to get their drugs or what other people did to get drugs from them. Also, who did people diddle after using drugs?

I don't think you'd ever catch me dead reading an Ann Wilson or Carnie Phillips autobiography. I don't care about how they just couldn't put that fork down because the double chocolate, deep fried, double-stuffed baconator was so delicious. I don't care about their staring wars with the fridge and I sure as shit don't want to hear about who they had to blow to get a Fat Darrell from the Rutgers grease trucks.

I guess what I'm getting at is: Ladies, if you're going to pick an addiction, sex is the way to go! On a completely unrelated subject, what are you doing tonight :)

Alicia Sacramone, PESUP Still Loves You

2008-08-13T12:58:00.003-04:00

The USA Olympic female gymnastics team took Silver in the competition losing to rival China. The contributors of PESUP are all huge fans of gymnastics, Johnny McNugget used to be world renown on the rings. Then his love of fast food took over and now he is world renown at onion rings.

US Team fought as hard as they could to take home the Gold however all hope was lost after Alicia Sacramone slipped while she was on the balance beam. She lost her footing and fell off the beam. The points that were deducted put the USA in a hole they would never recover from.

Normally this is something I would pounce on, blowing it in a big spot. In all reality I just really want to pounce on her. I don’t care if she cost us the gold or shot my dog, when you look that good it doesn’t matter what you do, you win.

So Alicia, if you are down because of the recent failure at the Olympics, don’t worry about it. Call me up, and we can go get some ice cream and mini-golf. Come on… how can you turn that down. Ladies love mini golf.

Arm Wrestling at the Jersey Shore

2008-08-11T18:01:00.002-04:00

Line up ladies. This is why I love my home town during the summer. Nothing but classly people and fun in the sun.

Top Ten Weirdest Days of My Life

2008-08-11T16:24:00.004-04:00

So today was a very very weird day for me. Today I had to wake up at a reasonable hour (still in double digit am's though) because I had to do an errand...so basically right off the bat my day started off weird. Then I'm in my ride cruisin around (checking out babes and/or fast food places...3 McDonald's, 2 BK's, 1 Blimpie, 1 Taco Smell) jamming out to some ill beats, when all of a sudden this Hooker (and by that I mean female) cuts me off in her Nissan POS. After about a 1/4 of a mile we ended up side by side at this red light, and she has the nerve to start yelling at me. She was all like "Can't you see that I have 2 car seats in here!? Why wouldn't you let me in, I have two babies with me!?" I was so appalled by the nerve of this lady all I could do was stare at her...and then I started to giggle. This did not make her happy at all...and lets just say she starting using most if not all of those four letter words that you cant use in school or court. The reason why this made me son angry is because this lady thinks that since she has babies in the car she can drive like a maniac. When you have kids in the car shouldn't you drive like my 80 year old grandma, and not like your competing in Cannonball Run.

I finally arrived at my destination, roughly 20 minutes late because someone changed the name of the road without letting googlemaps know. So whatever, I get there and I'm in the waiting room when I realize that there's only two people in here, and only one of whom is sitting (take a wild guess who was sitting down). Seriously, there was this old lady...standing in the corner of the waiting room looking at the wall. At one point I thought this old hag died standing up, which would have been amazing, and so worth being bugged our for 15 minutes.

So I'm in the office (which by now I'm sure most of you assumed is a Doctor's office...and yes I'm fine thanks for asking) and I was asked to take a pee pee test. So the nurse has got to be like 75 and she hands me the cup and bounces like Lebron's balls when he's chasing Kobe up and down the court. So I take the cup and go in the bathroom to do my business. Half way through my stream the lady is banging on the door yelling at me because I wasn't supposed to do it yet and I just messed up my test and blah blah. So I kink it and run out and began apologizing and crap and somehow everything is OK (basically I could have just cheated on a drug test and gotten away with it). Then for some reason she makes me wait in the exam room for another ten minutes (mind you I still haven't finished peeing), and I begin sweating like an Asian whore in church. Finally the lady lets me leave, but I know I can't walk back to the bathroom cause that would have been more awkward than the time I got a boner in drama class reciting Hamlets famous monologue.

I sprint out to my car, pop that shiz in D, and head to the nearest 711. Unfortunately for me and the store owner, the bathroom is out of order. At this point I'm near tears so I do what any normal 20 year old male would do. I pissed on the side of the building with my junk in full view of the nearby highway. At least the owner won't have to worry about squirrels and deer coming near his store anymore.

Now I think I have to be safe, what next could possibly happen to me. Boy was I wrong, today was just not my day with the red lights. There I am, stopped at yet another red light with a car next to me that wants to talk. I turn over to see a two girls in a car, one African and one Asian. I didn't even know that those two races hung out together...but then I remembered Tiger Woods. Apparently the girls wanted to hang out with me, and on a normal day I would have totally took them up on their offer, but since I was having the weirdest day of my life I responded by turning up my radio to dull out their voices. The light turns green and we go our separate ways when it finally hits me...I just turned down the coolest inter-racial threesome EVER!

You Should be Thankful I'm not a Research Scientist

2008-08-11T11:55:00.005-04:00

I'm always reading about how my tax money is being pumped into some dumb-ass study on the effects of cow farts on the o-zone or the impact of "global warming", which Futurama accurately predicted is a farce since it will eventually be offset by nuclear winter anyway; there's nothing to worry about. I think a funnier study would be the impact of really fat people's farts on the o-zone layer. If fat people's flatulence severely impacts the o-zone, I'm all for sending them to the moon. They'd be thrilled anyway...because it's made of cheese.

In reading the news on a daily basis, I've realized that as long as you pitch it well, you can get ANY research project funded. You just need to address the right audience with the right words. My research project would be called "You're all just a bunch of pee-drinking shit-eaters".

The basic idea behind this principle is that there is plenty of urine that goes into our bodies of water and plenty more that is evaporated into the air. Think about it, there are 7 billion people peeing 3 - 6 times a day. That's a lot of piss. Now those same people are dropping on average one deuce a day. And that goes into our water. Water irrigates our crops, evaporates into the air and comes pouring back down on us, goes into the beverages that we consume. Oh also, there's plenty of semen and vomit following the same patterns (my guess is in far smaller quantities though).

I'd be willing to bet the average person indirectly consumes something like 8 gallons of recycled piss, 3 lbs of recycled shit, and 6 quarts of recycled semen during their lifetime; or significantly more for any female that's been on a Czech porn site. So next time you're consuming your Dasani, think about the fact of how much of other people's excrement you're consuming. On that note, I'm hungry - I'm gonna go get lunch.

Brad and Quentin... Jolie Who?

2008-08-11T09:45:00.004-04:00

Brad Pitt, will kiss the mother of his children good bye as he leaves his family to act in the latest Quentin Taranrino movie. Hold on; let me ask my boner if this is awesome… Oh yeah, he is into it.

Brad Pitt will be playing the leader of a group of Jewish Americans who battle the Nazis during WWII. Hopefully during the battling they will talk about Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and dance the twist in yellow biker suits.

However, if someone tries to kill Pitt by running over him in a “Death Proof” car… I am turning it off.

http://http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/movies/2008/08/08/2008-08-08_brad_pitt_leaves_newborns_to_take_up_arm.html

I knew it

2008-08-10T17:46:00.004-04:00

As soon as Bernie Mac died a couple days ago, I said to myself "things like this happen in 3's". I was all set to make a post on Monday commenting that Cedric the Entertainer, Martin Lawrence, and Chris Rock should watch out and take it easy the next couple of days. But tragedy has already struck a 2nd time.

As many of you know by now, Bernie Mac died at the early age of 50 from complications related to pneumonia. And the PESUP crew is sad to inform you that Isaac Hayes (Chef from South Park) has passed away Sunday. He was 65.

While he was a scientologist (and we think it's pretty much a popular cult here), he was still a man that made us laugh by teaching us such valuable life lessons such as looking for the clit and making love down by the fire. Even South Park creator and lottery-winning best friend Trey Parker and Matt Stone had agreed that some fruity little club was to blame for his mind scramble, and that we should not blame the man who portrayed Chef.

So I put out a notice of caution for all older black comedians. At first I thought it would be traditional ones, but if you've even lent your voice to a hilarious cartoon character, beware. The law of 3's says one of you is next.

And I swear, if you take Samuel L. next, the PESUP crew will go to hell and back to bring him back from the grave. (I can't believe I found a picture with Bernie Mac, then Isaac Hayes, and then Samuel L. If he dies soon, we need to look into a conspiracy to kill the set of Soul Men.)

Friday Update

2008-08-08T13:23:00.002-04:00

Hello loving PESUP fans. It's a lazy Friday, and your old buddy wanted to let you know some improvements we're thinking of doing for year 2 (we started the site July 12th, 2007). As most of you can tell, we've really picked up our game from May until now. We've gone from getting about 50 hits a week in April to about 1,500 hits a week currently. We'd love to keep growing, so tell your friends.

We've also hit (smashed more like it) a milestone of 10,000 hits on the site a few weeks ago. We're currently at around 12,250. This post right here is also our 250th post. But we know we need to get better to get bigger.

Some things on tap for year 2 include PESUP bumper stickers, fan postings, Podcasts, and more wacky stunt days. We'll be giving out free bumper stickers to anyone interested, so please let us know if you'd like one. We're also in talks to have fans post on our site. We'd do it about once a month or so (we get final edit) and we'll pick the best viewpoint. If you're interested to be in the running (I'm talking to you Puck, Sarah, Dave A, Kramer, etc.), just post another comment and we'll divulge the email address to send your post to.

Finally, we're thinking of doing a monthly or bi-monthly podcast (audio only) that you could download and listen to on your ride to work. And as always, we'll be increasing our challenges (such as the Century Club) where we can update posts for the day.

Have a happy 08/08/08!

Brooke Hogan is Masculine

2008-08-08T13:17:00.005-04:00

You know how I know you're gay? You had sex with Brooke Hogan and she finished. On your back. Brooke Hogan is the perfect lay if you're unsure of your sexuality. Just drop your pants, grit your teeth and take it, you pansy. If you liked it, make sure to tell your father to sit down before you break the news to him. If you did not enjoy it, you might still be a power top. Although, I don't think Brooke is the best way to tell if you're a top; she's too big and looks like the Brawny paper towels mascot. I'd suggest finding one of the Corey's. I hear they have some experience in the matter.

Freeman a... Free Man

2008-08-07T09:41:00.003-04:00

I admit it. I got jealous and had to post a cloud picture as well. It doesn't make sense? Awwww! But Loki and McNugget were doing it! Whatever.

Reports out of the AP today claim that Morgan Freeman's and his wife of 24 years are getting a divorce. There are no other details, but I can tell you how it went down. When he got in his car accident on Sunday, they listed a female passenger that wasn't his wife. Now, as soon as I saw that, I was thinkin' to myself "go Morgan, go Morgan, it's your birthday!" Cause let's face it, you don't drive in backwoods Mississippi with some random honey.

Surprisingly enough, a few days later, when it is discovered he's doing fine, his wife is getting ready to leave. One of two things happened:

First, Morgan was cheating on his wife for a long time, and she knew about it and looked the other way. As soon as the press started peaking in on them due to the mysterious woman in the car crash, the rumors began to swirl and she looked bad, so she won't tolerate it anymore and now wants half of his money.

Second, she didn't know about it, and this was a pretty awful way to find out. First you're all like "oh no! Morgan! I hope he's okay!" Then once he's fine, you start asking who the other woman was, and why she was there when he was going fishing ALONE like he says he does each Sunday while you're at church. And then it's a double whammy; broken hubby becomes ex-hubby.

Or, I guess there's a third option. Morgan saw his own movie The Bucket List, and on his list was to start banging the type of woman he should (25-year-old hotties) before he passed away. And this car crash was just a wake-up call that even he will not live forever. And Morgan, if you're reading this (I just KNOW he does!), if you ever wanna hang out with the PESUP crew or anything, I'm, ya know, here and stuff.

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!

Life Lessons from Loki

2008-08-06T22:40:00.005-04:00

Drinking and button flies do not mix. A drunk person is 7.5 times more likely to get piss on his jeans if they button instead of zip.

Fact: Mountain Dew significantly decreases sperm count. Fiction: It is an effective method of contraception.

A microwaved grapefruit is NOT an acceptable substitute for a vagina. Unless you enjoy having a stinging peehole.

The c-bomb is never appropriate at work. Unless you work in porn. Then it's always appropriate.

Men have selective hearing. "I have a boyfriend" is hardly ever acknowledged. "My boyfriend is much bigger than you, and he's here" is hardly ever missed.

"WHAT? I'm JUST sayin'!" is NOT an adequate explanation for why you told the girl you just met at the bar that you think Jon Benet Ramsey was hot. "I was going after your hot friend before you stepped in" is.

China Wants to Control Weather, I Still Want to Bang Meghan Fox

2008-08-06T16:39:00.007-04:00

Yes, what you have just read is correct. With the eve of the Olympics vastly approaching, with worldwide criticism about the pollution levels, Chinese scientists have developed a plan to control the weather for the games. I started to read the article, but then I realized that I saw the same plot on some stupid movie on the Sci-Fi channel at 2 am.

Whats great about this story is not only is is hysterical and retarded...we all know that China has a personal vendetta against Pesup. Basically, I can say whatever I want about the Chinese and they will never know. For example I can say the Chinese love to eat cooked dogs (which is really true). I could also say that the pollution in China makes the country smell like a wet sock, soaked in cow urine, and then shoved up the vagina of Rosie O'Donell for a week (I've never been to China, but I'm sure the smell is quite similar).

I mean really, what has China given the world besides chopsticks, gunpowder, kites, maps, puppet theater, restaurant menus...well apparently they have invented a lot, so does China really need to invent anything else? If this was high school China would be the nerd who sits in the front of the class answering every question and complaining about the lack of homework. Now USA on the other hand, would be the kid sitting behind the nerd, who just spent the entire class tying their shoelaces to the legs of the desk, so when they stand up they fall down, and inevitably miss the bus home from school and have to walk...in the rain. Also, the Chinese look like aliens to me so I win.

PS- Dear media people, It's the first week of August, can you please calm down with the back to school commercials and the constant playing of Don Henly's Boys of Summer. No wonder why so many kids commit suicide, summer is only half over and they are already being reminded of hell.

Jenna Jameson is Knocked Up

2008-08-06T12:35:00.002-04:00

The New York Post reports that Jenna Jameson, the hands-down biggest name ever to work in the porn industry, is pregnant with her first child, with UFC fighter boyfriend Tito Ortiz.

I don't even know how you would go about getting her pregnant in the first place after appearing in over 75 porno flicks, plus recreational sex, plus being raped a number of times (at 16, she was gang raped by 4 guys and again that same year by her boyfriend's uncle) and a botched crotch surgery. I cannot imagine there being one shred of tread left on that tire. I think it would take Tito's entire leg for there to be any friction during intercourse.

Add to that the poundings that they've both taken over the years; the kid is going to come out looking like a slab of roast beef that went 12 rounds with Rocky Balboa (in his pre-Tommy Gunn prime). And no kid should have to go through that.

How long can a fetus hang onto an umbilical cord anyway? That baby is going to have to hold on for dear life or face falling out every time she stands up. My prediction is that the baby is going to struggle to stay in, get tangled up in the cord, and end up looking like Red at the end of Shawshank.

That kid (considering it miraculously manages to survive) is going to go through a lifetime of hell. It's hard enough growing up. Now, imagine growing up and everybody in your school, including your teachers, has seen your mother with another girl, taking it every which way and getting sprayed more than a car wash. That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.

Kingdom of Crap

2008-08-06T08:30:00.002-04:00

Ridley Scott, the man who brought you the arab-friendly version of the crusades in Kingdom of Heaven, is now unsurprisingly producing Nottingham, the Robin Hood version sympathetic to the Sheriff of Nottingham. Sources here at PESUP tell us that his next major film will be Charleston, a movie sympathetic to slave owners leading up to the American Civil War, and portray the Underground Railroad as a bunch of thieves that are stealing property from all important ante-bellum land owners.

But alas, he cannot get to this film without finishing Nottingham. It was slated to begin filming soon, but will be pushed back until 2009 due to leaves. Yeah, leaves. You heard right. No one had thought ahead and remembered that fall makes the leaves brown and not green when they originally set a production meeting for this.

Of course, Hollywood being Hollywood, the thought to digitally color in each individual leaf did cross their minds. But apparently that would blow their budget (and not wasting all that money on that hack Russell Crowe). I bet Sienna Miller (Maid Marion) wins an Academy Award for this crap cause she takes her top off and everyone's like, "WOW, she's natural and small!" cause apparently that's great for indy-flicks and serious award contention. If she's nude, and you're not in the mood, you win an award. If she's nude and you're like "dude!", it's gratuitous. And this is why I hate Hollywood.

With a Face Like That...

2008-08-05T15:13:00.004-04:00

Remember that girl that hiccuped for 5 weeks straight? She was all "wah, wah, I can't go without hiccuping!" And she was on every damn daytime tv-show (so McNugget informs me) and everyone was offering these backwoods stupid-ass things for her to do to cure them.

Somebody'd be all like "hey, hold your breath." And she would. And then someone would be like "drink the honey from a bee hive where the new Queen is still a virgin while under a full-moon." And she would. And then someone would be like "take roofies and hang out in my bedroom cause I have a totally cool mirrored-ceiling with two-way mirrors on the walls and complete circuiting for my 5 tv cameras with full audio." And she did that too. Nothing worked, and eventually the hiccups went away by themselves.

One of the stupid ideas she took was actually a machine created by a company called Hic-Cup Ltd. (think Hick and Cup). It's some sort of straw thing that sends a shock through your temple while you drink, supposedly calming the, and I quote, "vagus nerve." So the fool used it, and it didn't really work, but the company decided it would pay her $2,500 to mention the product on tv. She did, and the company paid.

Fast forward til now. Her parents are suing the stupid company because pictures of her using the device are showing up in advertising materials. They claim that the $2,500 was for the one television appearance. So the tv appearance made into marketing materials were not part of that cash.

That's like saying "hey, I haven't farted in 5 weeks, let me go on tv." And everyone would be all like "hey, eat beans, eat taco bell, eat White Castle, get something shoved up there." And then Far-Tur Limited asks me to use their item, but it doesn't work, so they pay me two-and-a-half grand to say that it makes me feel like farting, and then I sue them cause apparently I had a stick up there the whole time.

Anna Nicole Lives!

2008-08-05T13:42:00.003-04:00

This recent photo, taken in the month of August 2008 proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Anna Nicole Smith, not unlike 2Pac and Elvis, is still alive! Which really upsets me - I spent 5 months glued to my TV like an idiot wondering how she died - did somebody kill her? Who gets custody of the baby? Who gets the house she was living in? Where is she going to be buried? Why is her mother so white-trash? What the hell does Howard K. Stern do anyway? All that precious time wasted, and for what?!?!

UPDATE - apparently that's Gwen Steffani sporting her new "I heart cheeseburgers" look that she pinched from PESUP Ugo-of-the-Week alumni, Khloe Kardashian. Reports say that Khloe next plans on teaching Gwen how to consume 3 dozen buffalo wings without chewing (hint: bleu cheese soup; you don't even feel the bones).

UPDATED UPDATE - apparently she's just pregnant. Again. Sadly, I would still do her in her current state. What's a little placenta juice anyway?

Hairspray Actress's Airport Brawl.

2008-08-05T12:56:00.004-04:00

Two Celebrites (I use this term as loosely as possible) got into a fight in an airport over saving seats. A fat girl from the movie Hairspray and a black woman from the show America’s Next Top Model, exchanged blows after arguing because the fat one was saving too many seats in the airport terminal.

ABC News actually took it upon themselves to talk about proper saving seat educate. Some classic stuff on that page, my favorite part is:
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"I think the rule on saving seats is that people need to be reasonable," he said. "There is no formula for how many saved seats make it OK. It doesn't matter if it's one or three or five. You can't make a formula based on the size of the room and the number of available seats.
"If people are getting a magazine or using the restroom, but they're around, it's reasonable that you can hold their seat for them," he said.
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In no way shape or form are any of the PESUP Contributors celebrites but I am pretty sure more people read this site then have seen Hairspray the movie. Shit I am pretty sure more people have walked on the Moon then saw Hairspray the movie.

Morgan Freeman will be OK.

2008-08-05T12:06:00.006-04:00

Morgan Freeman remains in serious condition after his car accident yesterday. He broke his arm and elbow. The car was destroyed and needed the Jaws of Life to free him from the vehicle.

Morgan Freeman is the opposite of Shai LaBeouf. When I heard Morgan Freeman was in a car accident I was so scared that I cried in the bathroom stall, like a teenager that just found out she got knocked up. I didn’t care about any one or anything except if Morgan Freeman was alright. Shit, I don’t care if he was drunk, high, and driving blindfolded I would still look up to Morgan Freeman. He could have killed 6 families then eaten the dead babies off the road and I still would be more worried about him then anyone else in the wreck.

Why do I refer to him only as Morgan Freeman? You don’t disrespect a legend or a god and if you're both then you're Morgan Freeman.

If you think I am wrong for saying that line, look at his filmography…
Se7en
Outbreak
The Shawshank Redemption
Unforgiven
The Dark Knight
The Bucket List
Gone Baby Gone
Lucky Number Slevin
Batman Begins
Million Dollar Baby
That is just a random list of 10 movies, do you know how many other awesome movies he has been in… Did anyone say Deep Impact?

Get well Morgan Freeman, we need you.

JESUS CHRIST!

2008-08-04T13:51:00.003-04:00

Are all the planets aligned? Is there an eclipse on the horizon that will open a portal to hell? Are vampires going to walk the Earth's surface in the near future? What the hell is going on today?

Let me take a step back. First thing I read today is Kelly Bundy has breast cancer. Next, Morgan Freeman gets in a bad car wreck. Miley Cyrus has even MORE hacked pics - when is she going to friggin' learn??? I think she is trying to take over as the new Paris/Nicole/Christina/Britney/you-know-where-I'm-going-with-this. It turns out that Kid's Meals at most restaurants are chock-filled with calories!!! I would've never guessed it by the lack of ridiculously fat kids running around everywhere. I mean seriously, what the fuck happened to going outside and playing with kids in the neighborhood? You know, riding bikes, manhunt, a good old fashioned group ass whooping...And to top it all off, Kathy Hilton actually has something semi-intelligent to say.

Do yourself a favor today and stay home if you can. Or don't. With whatever it is in the air, your roof will probably cave in if you stay in. Just be careful. Crazy-ass signs of the apocalypse.

Diddy and Dupri in Hotlanta

2008-08-03T21:45:00.005-04:00

This is one of those stories that you truly don’t believe until you read the article. It seems that a party called So So Def Summerfest Weekend, hosted by Jermaine Dupri and Sean "Diddy" Combs in Hotlanta was interrupted by gunfire. Wow, people getting in trouble in Atlanta, no way…

I don’t want to say anything too bad but, come on. Can we play off stereotypes any harder? A large group of people get together with hiphop artists and someone pulls a gun? Wow that shit is more shocking then the ending of the 6^th Sense. No, it really is, my brother told me the ending of the movie before I saw it.

Just once I want to write an article about a girl from the south that keeps her life together, or a male musician not getting arrested or shot at… Wait a minute, no I wouldn’t. I love being an asshole.

Brett Favre Applies for Reinstatement

2008-07-31T16:29:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure if this is news or not, but I know nobody has heard it yet. Today, around 4pm EST, Brett Favre applied for his reinstatement back to football. Apparently he could not wait to be back on the field, carrying his teammates to certain victory. Are you shocked? I know I am. I remember that day he was all crying being like "I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth" then subsequently got Lou Gehrig's Disease and died. Wait, wrong thing. But he was really sad.

Wait, you know that he's applied for reinstatement for the Packers already? And you've known about this for weeks now? Oh, well, I'm not talking about the Packers. In a PESUP exclusive, we have learned that Mr. Favrarevea (however you pronounce it) is applying to be reinstated by the NCAA so that he can go back to becoming the quarterback of the Golden Eagles of the University of Southern Mississippi.

When asked why he took so long to render this decision, Favre responded:

Well, I had never intended on graduating. They asked me, but I felt as if I was under the gun at the time, and I wasn't ready to make a decision. I felt bad leaving the fan base and leading them on, so I told them I would graduate, knowing full well I wasn't ready. I know my body can make a return to college football, plus the cheerleaders are hot and young.

When asked to comment, the USM spokesperson referenced that Brett was out of academic eligibility, and that he had finished his coursework in Education (with focus on special education), and had exercised his full 4 years of NCAA eligibility.

Brett was then quoted as saying:

All I'm asking for is my shot to try and compete. I know I can win behind the USM offensive line. But if USM will not allow me to pursue a starting quarterback position, I will attempt to transfer to Florida State, Florida, Miami, Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, Tulane, or any school on USM's schedule during the year. If I am unable to do this, I will go back to my high school in Kiln, Mississippi. Cause hey, high school girls are hot.

Ali Lohan Auditions For Porn Director, Manager Dina Not At Fault

2008-07-31T14:02:00.004-04:00

The less famous...errr excuse me NOT famous Lohan, recently auditioned for her first movie role. The movie "Troll" is supposed become the next mainstream horror movie and Ali just couldn't resist the temptation. I mean come on, we all know that "House of Wax" boosted Paris Hilton's career so Ali's move to do film is totally understandable. The only problem with this movie is not that it will go straight to DVD, its the fact that the director is Peter Davy, who has directed many adult films including "Breast Wishes 14" and "Bun Busters 12" (both quality movies). If that wasn't bad enough, Davy is most noted for discovering the porn star Houston...who once got jiggy with 620 guys in one film. I think this all happened because Ali heard that Lindsay starred in a movie called "Herbie Fully Loaded" (talk about false advertising...not one load was shot during the entire movie, well except for mine of course!).

What's funny about this whole situation is that Dina is accepting NONE of the blame for this, mind you that she is still Ali's manager. Look, I know I don't know everything about movies and crap like that...but I do watch "Entourage" so I feel like I know enough to make fun of this situation. In reality, as a famous person's manager you really only have one job, to research people involved with movies or whatever it may be and see how you liked and/or disliked their previous work. It's really not hard, I think any 12 year old knows how to use imdb.com. I guess Dina was too busy eating bon bons and watching "General Hopsital" to actually manage one of her two clients.

However, I hate ending on such a negative note, so in case your wondering Ali got the part. HORRAY!

Laugh, Stupid!

2008-07-31T12:29:00.002-04:00

I now it sounds crazy, but I kinda feel like it's my job to make you laugh. And since I don't feel clever today, I decided to compile three videos from entirely different walks of life to do the job for me. If you're not laughing by the end of the third video, you have no personality. Or you're just that dumb...

I love that cocky look she gives in the middle of her indecipherable babbling and her trying to grab the trophy away from the presenter. If I lost to her in a spelling bee, I'd go grab a nice, thick cable cord and hang myself from the ceiling, because I'd be a friggin' waste of life (hint, hint to the loser).

Pooh Down! (in a Scottish Accent)

2008-07-30T18:25:00.002-04:00

Click on the picture for article.

Just do me a favor and read the title with a "Groundskeeper Willie" voice in your head. It will please me.

ST. PAUL, Minn. - Minnesota wildlife officials tried for six days to capture a bear that had a plastic jar stuck over its head, but ended up killing the animal after it wandered into a city during a festival.

When I first read this, I was all like "man, six days and they couldn't even catch a bear!" But then I re-read where this was. And remember, the entire Mid-West is autistic. But what a way to go. One minute you're lookin' for some sweet honey, and the next, you're dead with a jar on your head.

Now, bears don't have eulogies, but if this one did, it would go a little something like this:

He was a good bear. A god-fearing bear. But as with most bears, he shared an inherent weakness in honey. Every day he would wake up and say "I'm done, I'm going cold-turkey." But his friends and family knew that by the fall of night, he'd be down on his knees in front of Eeyore for a hit of that amber delight. We all thought eventually, the hunger would take him. But we did not think it would be this soon. He is survived by his partner, Tigger, the imaginary hopping tiger, and his adoptive son, Piglet.

But I'm ok with Pooh Bear. I'm all about cartoons that teach children that bears are friendly, and to approach them as Christopher Robin did: with something they love to eat, and no reservations. If only people would just realize, bears aren't the problem; it's the Iranians.

Why So Serious?

2008-07-29T13:48:00.003-04:00

I know exactly what most of you are thinking, "Holy face paint Batman...Heath LIVES!!! He and Tupac are still alive, living in Atlantis under the dark rule of Elvis Presley". Well, that all still may be true but the person pictured above is not Heath, but rather a man named Spencer Taylor who is playing the character of The Foker (Fake + Joker= Foker...I'm FUNNY!!!) Two days ago Spencer took his character to a whole new level when he dressed up, went to a movie theater, and began stealing merchandise from the movie The Dark Knight...dressed as the joker.

I feel really bad for this kid for two reasons. One, his nose could host the 2010 Winter Olympics. Two, he's a 20 year old, who dressed up like The Joker, and tried to steal Batman stuff. I think it's safe to say that he has become the newest member of the Virgin For Life Club. How do I know this you may ask...well...not only am I the president but I'm also a member!

Classic PESUP

2008-07-29T08:00:00.000-04:00

We at PESUP would like to take a few moments to reflect back on some of the classic posts that have kept us going and you reading. Hope you enjoy them. I had just as much fun the second time around. Without further ado:

Mr. Murdoch reflect on why in the world assholes wear Crocs

Johnny McNugget reflects on why in the world assholes have to ruin Facebook

Mr. Book's astute observations on the similarities between women and running backs

Loki reflects on the more-than-40-hour-work week

Mea Culpa!

2008-07-28T23:18:00.002-04:00

Mea Culpa (or "my fault", today's translation of "my bad", more realistic as "I'm sorry", or my 11th grade Macroeconomic teacher Mr. Lefsky used to mean it "sorry you caught me ogling your 11th grade goodies girls") for all the following. There have been some crazy things said on this blog, and I just want to clear the air.

1) Madonna's daughter has a mustache. And the makings of a unibrow.

2) Britney, you got boring. We can't cover you anymore.

3) That post by anonymous. You know him/her, right? That guy/girl that always posts shit they can't back up cause he/she has a man/vagina. And I quote: "I hope that all of you that make this hateful and reckless comments about Heath burn blissfully in hell. It's so classy of you to take the plunge on him now that he can't fight back... Really brave! Yeah... Awesome.... Just fucking burn in hell. All of you, motherfuckers!"

First off... Language! I'm sure if you believe in hell, and don't like blaspheming about the dead, you know that wishing someone else burns in hell is kinda a sin that puts you yourself in hell. But semantics aside, I don't give a shit about Heath Ledger. He had a drug overdose after banging one of the Olsen twins. He's hardly a saint. If he was a stand-up guy, he woulda been with his wife (not ex) and daughter instead of living it up in a brownstone whilst banging 1/2 of Michelle from Full House. I did say it's a shame he's gone cause he was a damn good actor just ready to go about his career, but the more I think about it, it was probably just the drugs he was on that made him a great Joker.

And "taking the plunge on him now that he's gone"? First off, I make fun of the living. Have you read any posts on this website? Nobody expected the bastard to be dead at 28. Had he gotten off the drugs, I wouldn't have to make fun of him.

Now, anonymous, you're one of two types of people. First, you can't take a joke. In which case, why the hell are you on this site???!!!??? And PLEASE SHUT UP! Or, you're some sort of celeb jock-sniffer that feels closer to someone they read about in the news and see on tv because they have no real relationships in their life. In which case, take some sleeping pills and shuffle off this mortal coil to meet your boy Heath.

Or, you could be playin' the Chris Crocker "leave Heathy alone!" angle. In which case, touche good sir. And to you (the third version), I offer my "Mea Culpa!"

Madonna is...yeah, you figure it out...

2008-07-28T20:27:00.004-04:00

source: Splash News

If a picture is worth a thousand words, I can't imagine what the one above is worth. If you asked me yesterday, "Say, Loki, would you throw Madonna a bone?" I would've replied, "That's an odd question considering I don't fucking know you, but yeah, I'd take that old 3-speed out for a spin."

I think after today, if you asked anyone that question, you'd receive roughly 7 billion "No's" and one "hell yes, she's my fucking soul mate, dude."

Madonna looks terrifying. She looks like she got in a bare-knuckle brawl with Dalton from Roadhouse and won (not surprising with those sinewy Alien-like arms). In her old age, she's become a horribly disfigured bobblehead. And I don't like to make fun of kids, but please - take that chia-pet to a salon and get those eyebrows waxed! It's hard enough being young, now try growing up as a bi-racial girl with an estranged father (living in a different country), and having two caterpillars glued to your forehead! I think this throbbing vein in my head is about to pop.

By the way...that picture is worth exactly 162 words.

A message from Britney.

2008-07-28T19:44:00.002-04:00

I was as shocked as you were when I first watched this. We really haven't made fun of Britney in a while. Don't worry, the second she messes up again we will be all over it.

Thanks for the heads up Brit!

Ferris Bueller's Day On

2008-07-28T16:29:00.003-04:00

Good old Ferris himself (Matty Broderick) is in the news for cheating on an Ug-O of the week alum (Ms. Sarah Jessica Horseface Parker). Now, I for one am pissed. What the hell happened to Sloan? She was all like "he wants to marry me" and I was all like, man, the dweebs, jocks, nerds, everyone likes this guy. And then he leaves Sloan for Sarah of "Square Pegs" fame. I mean, he was awesome. How the hell could he leave Sloan?

So now reports are that he f'ed some 25-year-old redhead a few weeks ago. Let's do the math. She was either born in 1982 or 1983. Ferris Bueller's Day Off came out in 1986. So she was probably 3 then. Or 2. Awesome. I hope she was hot. Cause let's face it, most redheads aren't. That's one of the reasons you don't see many of them around. I mean, once again, genetics. If redheads were the hot thing, you'd see tons of them these days. But usually they're all pale and albino-like. And they're mostly boring. But I heard they're crazy in bed.

The whole PESUP crew was at a party recently where McNugget LOUDLY spotted a hot redhead, then had to walk away because he blew up his own spot. I bet she was crazy in bed. She had those crazy eyes. So let me congratulate Mr. Broderick for finally nailing something that doesn't resemble Smarty Jones.

Century Club Failure.

2008-07-27T22:41:00.002-04:00

OK, Alright, Fine.

I know you all want to hear about the final tallies. Here is the deal.

WE LOST.

Sir Spread took down the most beers with an amazing 28. Both McNugget and Myself took down 23. Yeah, sad story. There were many things we could have done differently and probably should have. We will figure it out and talk about another attempt.

You want some fun stats? We stepped on the scale before we took our first sip and then did again at the end of the attempt. McNugget gained 2 pounds during this attempt, I gained 4 pounds and once again in the lead... by a ton Sir Spread gained 11 pounds. YES AMAZING.

We also marked down how many times we each took a piss. McNugget went 14 times, Sir Spread went 15 times, I took down this category with an amazing 22 bathroom trips. Yup we actually started going outside to save water. Here at PESUP we care about the environment... Kinda.

Thanks for everyone checking up on us and hopefully with our next challenge (I hope it doesn't involve me drinking over 23lbs of beer) we come closer to our goal. Also we hope to post more and with more clarity. Believe it or not, after 20 beers posting kinda takes a back seat.

Shia LaBeouf messing up?

2008-07-27T22:18:00.004-04:00

Thank God. This D-Bag has been ruining movies since he came onto the Hollywood scene. You might remember him from such great films as Transformers, Indiana Jones 4ish, Constantine and I-robot. Oh, you haven't seen any of those films... neither have I. Strange isn't it?

This weekend Shia (sweet name I thought I was writing a blog not hanging out at a strip club) was arrested for driving under the influence after getting into a car accident. Luckily no one was hurt, except Shia. He needed surgery on his hand and is expected to miss 1 month of filming on Transformers 2.

No way. That means, another piece of crap film that I will never see will be delayed another month or whatever. Blah blah blah and stuff. Yada yada yada eh ah eh.

OK this kid sucks. He makes millions and millions making movies (if one would dare call the 2 hours of wasted life that) and the fucker can't call a cab? Hopefully he spends 16 minutes in jail just like the rest of the celebs that get arrested for DUI's. I mean 16 minutes in jail can really change your life. Ask Lindsay Lohan, Khloe Kardashian, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, together they have spent almost 6 hours in jail. Yeah, hard time.

So Shia I hope the surgery goes well. Movies cost about 12 bucks a ticket now a days and without your name in the previews I might see some of these pieces of crap. Shit I want to retire some day.

Get That Man Another Drink!

2008-07-25T12:48:00.002-04:00

Man, the last time I got tanked, I [unwarrantably] laid down on a girl's large boobs and told her to give me a kiss. She couldn't reach because her boobs were too big, so Weens kissed my forehead instead. In my drunken stupor (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it...for now anyway), I smiled and said "thank you, baby." I then proceeded to pull her cell phone out of her purse, and drunk dial a girl that I've hooked up with once and absolutely cannot tolerate, at 2AM, before the phone was [rudely] taken out of my hand. I then proceeded to throw up for an hour in the bathroom, into the beer pong pitcher for another half hour, twice the next morning and twice more in the afternoon.

How much alcohol did it take me to get to this level? Roughly 5 beers and half a liter of Jim Beam (roughly 11 shots) over a period of 4 hours. A guy my size will get a 0.08 blood alcohol level (BAC) by drinking 2 drinks per hour and for every hour that goes by, get rid of roughly 0.08 (this is really rough math - don't quote me on it). So I had 16 drinks in 4 hours, which equals a BAC of roughly 0.32 (16 drinks x 0.04 per drink - 4 hours x 0.08 processed per hour). As per the health department, that put me in a stupor, as a BAC of 0.3 or above is considered to be in a stupor. A 0.4 is considered to be comatose and a 0.5 is considered fatal.

On Tuesday, Rhode Island State police arrested 34 year old Stanley Kobierowski, after he drove into a billboard. His BAC? A whopping 0.491, the highest BAC ever registered in Rhode Island by someone that isn't dead. When police arrived at the scene, Kobierowski stumbled out of his car, then grabbed onto it and refused to move. Troopers were then forced to drag him into the squad car. Stanley, for your amazing feat of achievement; racking up a 0.491 BAC, driving, not killing anyone, and surviving, you deserve a drink. Salut!

D-Day is Over

2008-07-24T11:01:00.002-04:00

Well, now that D-Day is over, I'm being told the boys didn't quite make it to their 100 beer mark. I believe the last total I got was that they had split 7 1/2 between the three of them before they all passed out. Let this be a lesson to all the readers out there. Don't drink a lot, or you might act stupid and accidentally have Bud-Light Bot kids you need to pay child support for in 9 months. But I guess that's the price you pay for being a group of idiots.

We'd here at PESUP would like to thank everyone for checking in all day with us. I believe I can speak for Loki and myself in saying we wished we had off yesterday and today as well. Finally, we have listed our blog on a website that ranks them by internet traffic. We've consistently been around 125-130 in the Celebrity blog category, but as of right now, we're at 99. We're pretty happy about that, but we'd like to go much higher. So if you could, please send out the website to all friends, acquaintances, and people you meet on the streets so that we can grow as a website.

Thanks!

Mr. Book

D-Day

2008-07-23T08:59:00.020-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Zero hour approaches. We are on red alert and everything looks like a go! A few final thoughts before we crack open those first delicious brews... Throughout the day you will see posts on this same blog entry. We will refresh it every hour or so, so that you get updates from us while being on this page. We will also do our best to upload photos, however I can see this getting much more difficult as time goes on.

Some names you might not know are Sir. Spread (a man that is no stranger to the PESUP office just never a contributor) and The Caretaker (named for the obvious reason). They will let you know the things that I would likely be leaving out. Hopefully you get some laughs out of this. I know we will.

9:04am- You might be asking yourself why are they showing me a picture of an empty table? Well trust me, as the day goes on that table will not be empty. We plan on building a giant tower of empty cans on there.

-Murdoch

10:00am- While all you readers out there are slaving over computer screens, TPS reports, and powerpoint presentations...we will be drinking beer, watching movies, and playing catch (with each other's balls). LET THE GAMES BEGIN or Deje los Juegos Comenzar (for our large Spanish demographic)!!!

-McNugget

11:00am- There were many nay sayer's going into this magnificent feat of inebriation and unfortunately they were correct. Not even an hour in we had to add a fourth fierce competitor to this competition, Bud Light Bot. He adds the spunk and fortitude that will act as the catalyst necessary to bring us to victory and seat us atop mount Olympus. Wait its only an hour in and I am talking this gibberish, good lord this is going to be a long day.

-Sir Spread

12:00pm- So it's going as well as you would assume. We are pacing ourselves trying to keep occupied as the time passes and we aren't chugging beers. Here is a picture of the Bud Light Bot and the cans we have drank. Sure it doesn't look like a lot but trust me come back in three hours and it will be much more intense. So far we have just been joking an listening to music. Good times... for now.

-Murdoch

1:00pm- Big news this hour, the Caretaker has appeared. For those of you who don't know, the Caretaker is our trusted ally who comes from The Planet of Work. This distant world is filled with people who spend their lives trying to be successful. I can only hope that someday I will have the drive and determination to visit this strange place, but as for now...I'm happy right here...with beer and zero self confidence. Also...Bud Light Bot has not stopped smiling at me and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

-McNugget

2:00pm- During this last fun filled hour McNugget has returned "the eye" to bud light bot. I think there relationship will bloom as the day continues. As far as Murdoch goes, he has been obsessing about his tallon pj's all day.

3:00pm- Hey all, this is The Caretaker's post. I arrive to find Murdoch, McNugget, Sir Spread and the Bud Light Bot grilling outside (have no fear...I shut off the grill after they were done!) The beer count for everyone is 12 beers each and in my opinion they are all giving "the eye" to the Bud Light Bot. Also, I think they all have a slight obsession with this guy Talan (if you do not know who this "stud" is...he is one of the guys from Laguna Beach..see site below http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/laguna_beach_season_1/series.jhtml

Well, I better go back downstairs and check on the guys...or maybe I should just check on BLB (what the guys are calling the Bud Light Bot) to make sure he isn't being harassed!

4:00pm: Well it is starting to hit. I have drank a few beers and it feels wonderful. Trust me, the more I drink the more dangerous this all gets. The tower is growing. Next post you will see the three towers come together and built the perfect storm of towers. By the way towers mean the empty cans that exist because of the amount of beer we have drank... 1 love

-Murdoch

5:00pm- Sorry guys no tower pictures yet, Murdoch got really excited and never took a picture and I have no idea how to work his camera. He is currently downstairs singing "Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy. In case your wondering I've begun relieving myself every half hour. We are staying on the pace of two brew dogs per hour, and it's really not that fun. If I could sum up my experience so far I'd say "I'm as nervous as a pre pubescent boy spending the night at Michael Jackson's house".

-McNugget

6:00 : I really hope that everything is going well with you. We have drank alot and at the part where drikning will directl.y affect. our drinking. later.

Murdoch.

6:20: I am sorry for the preemptive post, but Murdoch is trying to compete with Bud Light Bot for McNugget's love. Also he is currently pulling the trigger in the bathroom so hopefully he will be able to post something worth reading the next time around. By the way if we had girls here this would have been supremely awesome, and I wouldn't have to j/o as I cry later.

7:00- Wow this is not as fun as I thought. We went outside to grill up some more meat obvi and I got attacked by mosquitos...prolly because my blood is so sweet. I have about 10 bites on me which happened in the matter of 15 minutes. Murdoch is still hammered and Spread seems to be on his way. Thank God the Caretaker made up spin dip as I have been nailing it for the past hour. Tune in at 8 for the exciting next chapter.

-McNugget

8:45pm- Hello again everyone, it's The Caretaker. I have been checking on the guys every hour and a half to two hours since 12:30pm. I arrived here 15 minutes ago to find Murdoch asleep in the recliner, McNugget half-asleep on the couch and Sir Spread is up and about cleaning. I'm guessing it's naptime! Hopefully you will see more posts later on!

10:15- This was the worst idea ever...

-McNugget

Proud to Be Italian

2008-07-22T23:45:00.002-04:00

Picture links to article.

As some of you may know, Murdoch and myself are both a quarter Italian. McNugget is 100% red-white-and-green. So it really makes us proud here at PESUP when we hear about the old motherland. Especially when we find out cool cultural information.

And what better info than the article above. It's too good to not quote:

It was less than a decade ago that Italy’s top criminal court ruled that it was impossible to rape a woman who was wearing jeans. The court concluded back then that nobody could forcibly remove a woman’s jeans unless she cooperated.

Now, the Italians really have something here. Have you ever seen a woman trying to put on jeans? They take like half an hour! When guys buy jeans, they don't hafta worry whether or not the butt tapers out or if it's too low-rise. Guys just worry about length and waist. They're pretty much straight-sized, and there aren't jeans for big butts or thunder-thighs. Girls look like they're at a pit-station in a NASCAR race. Things are getting screwed on and buzzed in and streamlined. And forget about getting those things wet. Any guy that's worn a tight shirt and sweat through it knows that you need the jaws of life to get out.

Now picture a drunk and/or frightened girl wearing tight-tight jeans. ITALIAN tight jeans. Yeah, that's hot. Wait, what was I talking about? Who cares. I'm gonna picture a hot girl in tight jeans. I suggest you do the same.

Heidi Montag has World's Largest Chin (and is going to Iraq)

2008-07-22T11:11:00.007-04:00

Heidi Montag offends me. She is a half-retarded, fully-irritating, celebrity-for-who-the-f-knows-why, and is dating probably the only person in this world more insufferable than she is.

Also, she has the world's largest chin. She looks like the bastard child of Rocky Dennis and Glenn Quagmire. They could've staged the moon landing on her face.

On the upside, she and her idiot boyfriend are planning a trip to Iraq, as part of the Please I'll Do Anything Shameless Self-Promotion World Tour. Maybe they'll forget how to get home.

Could A 16'10 580lb man drink 100 beers in a day?

2008-07-22T09:43:00.002-04:00

The only issue is, I don't know any 16'10 580lbs men. Shit this is going to become difficult.

Wait, I have it. What if 3 people that's total weight and height adds up to that each drink 33 1/3 beers. HMMM. I think we got it.

Tune in tomorrow as Mr. Murdoch, McNugget and featuring for the first time on PESUP Sir Spread as they attempt to join the century club. No that isn't the club that has sex in airplanes.

We start tomorrow Wed 10am. Tune in throughout the day for live updates and the pure silliness that is happening while you're at work. Feel free to comment with well wishes and even your predictions on how close we will come to completing this feat.

Those Japanese Are Crazy

2008-07-21T18:00:00.003-04:00

Suicide has never been so funny. And leave it to those comedic geniuses (the Japanese) to show us just how to go out of this world on our own terms. You're really gonna hafta read this article yourself (linked through the picture). But for all those PESUP readers that don't likey the read-ey, I'll give you the finer points.

First, the Grim:

Nearly 34,000 Japanese killed themselves last year, according to the Japanese national police. That's the second-highest toll ever in a country where the suicide rate is ninth highest in the world and more than double that of the USA, the World Health Organization says.

Now, this isn't cool. That's like a whole baseball game crowd just deciding to end it all at the same time. Creepy.

Next, the Cultural:

For an unemployed, former "salaryman," suicide can be "a rational decision," Yamada says. When a man commits suicide in Japan, his beneficiaries can still collect his life insurance. And insurers pay off Japanese home mortgages when a family's breadwinner dies — even if the death is a suicide. "If he dies, the rest of the family gets money," Yamada says. "If he continues to live without a job, they will lose the house."

Now, this one, chalk it up to poor fiscal planning. In America, if you so much as die the WRONG WAY, they refuse to pay out your insurance. Insurance companies here are in the business of increasing your policy so that you have maximum coverage (i.e. expense) and minimum payout. I was gonna take out an insurance policy on McNugget, but no one would cover someone drowning in a pool from choking on a cheeseburger because the beer was on the other side of the pool and that's too far to wash down a cheeseburger.

Then, the Funny:

"People really want to be connected. People got together to die," says anti-suicide activist Koji Tsukino, 43. Tsukino, a recovering alcoholic and drug user who tried to kill himself 10 times before he turned 30, says the latest suicide craze is even scarier than those in the past.

Do you know WHY he's an anti-suicide activist? He doesn't want anyone showing him up. That idiot failed at dying 10 times. Maybe he's Hancock. Maybe he's stupid. I'm an anti-misogynist, cause I'm really bad at giving massages and the girl giving out the pamphlets wasn't wearing a bra.

Finally, the Lost-in-Translation Moment:

Hydrogen sulfide is dangerous even to those who don't want to kill themselves. The toxic gas can carry into neighboring buildings and apartments. In April, 80 people were injured and another 120 had to be evacuated after a 14-year-old girl killed herself with hydrogen sulfide in southern Japan's Kochi prefecture. She'd left a note on the door of her family's apartment that said, "Gas being emitted. Don't open..."

Damn, that's just nasty.

The Dark Knight Review

2008-07-18T14:02:00.001-04:00

Holy Crap. Loki and myself caught a midnight showing of The Dark Knight last night. I'm exhausted today, but it was well worth it. I'm sure most of you have read or at least heard of the hype surrounding the movie and Heath Ledger's death. I wasn't crazy sad about Heath dying when he did, cause let's face it, he OD'ed on some drugs. It was more like Anna Nicole Smith part 2 than American hero dying too young. But now that I've seen what he could do with this Joker character, I really think it's a shame he's gone. So seriously, see this movie. There weren't any extra characters that went passed the storyline, there wasn't anything that sucked (Aaron Eckhart and Ledger stood out, with Bale doing a decent job and Maggie "I look old and wrinkly" Gyllenhaal wasn't too bad either).

SPOILERS BELOW

Nah, I'm totally kidding, I wouldn't ruin anyone's movie going experience. I just always see those "spoilers below" things on other sites and I thought I'd give it the old college try. Purple monkey chicken butt.

END SPOILERS

So all in all, go see the damn movie. It's awesome. It's by far the best movie I've seen in the past five or so years. Just do it. The action sequences are thrilling, the Joker is an absolute madman, and even the citizens of Gotham are semi-realistic. This movie really combines the good characters, evil characters, and the tough choices that the men have to make to save Gotham. Both Harvey Dent (Eckhart's character) and Batman have to sacrifice their souls. This movie also shows how both characters come to grips with just how far they'd go to save the city. This movie gets 10/10, 5 stars outta 5, and a partridge in a pear tree.

False Alarm

2008-07-17T13:45:00.001-04:00

Phewf. Everyone will be happy to know, I'm pooping solids again. I could've sworn that I had a case of the tomato salmonella. And with 1148 cases nationwide, I could've been right. You see, salmonella give you the liquid squirts and makes your tummy rumbly in a bad way. Sometimes you puke late at night in your boyfriend's house and wake up from sleep a contributor to this blog at 4am on a work night. (I mean, does she hafta sleep over every night man???) But I digress.

Remember the Taco Bell scandal of late 2006? Everyone that had either the green onions OR the lettuce (so anyone that didn't just get a pepsi) was in danger of getting E. Coli. And there are always tons of beef recalls for mad cow or e. coli. And now this tomato (or, I'm hearing, it could be jalapenos, cilantro, or Serrano peppers) outbreak is full of salmonella. How is it that all of a sudden all of our food is infected? You never heard of this stuff back in the late 80's or 90's.

It's one of two things. First, the Mexican migrant workers that are increasing picking the crops are beginning to see vegetables as places to wipe their butts and hang out. This would account for some of the nasties our food is carrying with them when they're shipped to us. But I doubt this is the case. I mean, are they doing it? Sure. More than the 90's? No way.

The second (and more logical) idea, is that the media has just taken this and run with it. Now, I know what you're saying. The media??? Blowing something out of proportion??? NO WAY! I know. I was scared and confused at first too. But as soon as you get out of the fetal position, start thinking about it. Now that the newspapers and 6'o'clock news have to deal with failing business models because the internet made everything real-time, they need more news instead of the recycled stuff that everyone has. So why not make it?

Back in the 90's, if a bunch of people got sick, it was called "food poisoning". You'd puke, and you'd go to work a day later. The end. It sucked, but you dealt with it, and you never freaked out. Now, if you get sick, you have e. coli, salmonella, and Loki's old nemesis, the herp. (Not that Loki has the herp, he just hates it cause it called him names once).

So if you get sick, just do what they used to do. Take the day off, run a nice bath, and suck down a bottle of the old pepto. Also, make sure to put a tarp down, cause you never know which hole.

Oh Miley, You're Such a Sweetheart.

2008-07-16T20:12:00.009-04:00

While reading an article about my favorite 15 year old I learned that she was a virgin. This isn't a shock, SHE'S FUCKING 15! OK so some people lose their virginity early...(wink).

It turns out that Miley preaches abstinence (boooooooooooo! not for me, but shit, what about all the 16 year old kids that are thinking to themselves that they can land that ass?). Not only does she just believe in it but she wears an abstinence ring to prove to the world that she hasn't and won't have sex.

See, I just found that a bit weird because I saw some pictures of her and she wasn't wearing a ring... Like these two:

Or over here, see... no ring:

Wow, no ring. That is just plain silly.

Hayden, Forgive Me - But Please Shut the F Up!

2008-07-16T19:25:00.003-04:00

It's a sad day for me when I have to tell a smoking 18 year old, blonde, dolphin-saving hottie to shut the f up, but alas, here we are...

Hayden Panettiere is the latest in a string of hotties that think they can sing because they do it in the shower and the muffled acoustics sound good, so they get a team together and try to put out a hit record (i.e. Scarlet Johannson, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag).

On the up side, in this video, Hayden is primped up like a whore in dark eye liner and tight clothing and she shakes her ass seductively. On the bad side when she tries to act gangsta, she moves like Natalie Portman in her infamous SNL rap video. Also, the song is fucking garbage. Hayden, you're hot and from what I hear, you can act. But when it comes to singing - please...SHUT UP.

Toilet Darwinism

2008-07-16T15:32:00.005-04:00

I've read somewhere that men and women use the restroom differently (beyond the obvious sitdown and stand-up differences). When a man uses a public restroom, he often tries to use one on the end or in the corner. Sometimes when I walk into a restroom with 3 urinals, and each side is taken, I go and pee in a stall to avoid walking between the two other guys. It's weird thinking another man can see your junk, when he's prolly just peeing and thinkin to himself "gee, I really hope I don't accidentally see his junk". And this makes sense to me. This is the way it should be. Is it homophobia, or the fact that someone is expelling the nasty from their body in close proximity to you that a man will try and find a spot alone? Who cares.

But in the article I read, women do the opposite. Women tend to go straight to the middle of the stalls and take those (once again, this was some study I've read, so ladies, if I'm wrong, please let me know). And why is this? My first thought was that women crave attention, always trying to best one another, and maybe this was a king-of-the-hill game gone wild.

But as I thought about it (on the toilet no less) I remembered back to my sociology and anthropology classes back at the old university. And that's when it hit me. Are we using a modern form of Toilet Darwinism???

Darwin argued that the genetic aspects of a species will promulgate themselves based upon environmental factors by sticking around if the gene gives the animal a better shot of mating. (For all PESUP readers, whatever gets you laid or keeps you alive long enough to get laid will probably be around in thousands of years because you'll pass those genes on THROUGH getting laid whereas people that are fugly will not pass it on cause they can't get none).

These theories of genetics lead to the concept of Social Darwinism. Instead of genes, learned behaviors that help you get some will keep you around (i.e., shaving your beard, cause back in the ice age, if you didn't shave and your face got wet, you died an awful frozen death, thus no ability to have kids and teach them that beards are cool).

So what does this hafta do with the crapper? Men were hunters, women gatherers. When a man went out, he tried to hide in the bushes and be silent and sneak up on his victim. If he got caught droppin' a turd-bird by a sabretooth, he was eaten. A woman on the other hand was in a tribe or in a field picking fruit. If the sabretooth decided to attack the tribe, the safest place to be was between the tiger and EVERYONE ELSE in the village. Let's face it, tigers are hungry, but they're no fatties, so after a few ladies on the outskirts of teepee village, they would leave you alone. So my crackpot theory? Men take dumps on the side and women take dumps in the middle cause at the end of the day, it's just plain safer.

So next time you're in the restroom, just please, think of the tigers.

Happy Bastille Day (actually, yesterday)

2008-07-15T00:48:00.006-04:00

The large metal penis worshipped by the French.

Leave it to the God damn French to have their national sign of independence as a military prison. I guess that's what happens when your country sucks. When I think of the 4th of July, I think of things that explode: fireworks, hot dogs (on the way out), and big boobs exploding out of tiny bikini tops. And that's why America is awesome. Now, when I think of a "Bastille", I think of a bunch of french guys dressed in those fucking black and white striped shirts with the red beret, all pulling a train on each other while nibbling on baguettes.

You know why the French hate us? They're jealous. We have better health care, and we don't smell. Foreigners smell. They're all jealous of us. Scented soaps and shampoo, bam, America. Dirt and toilet-looking-thingies that shoot streams of high-pressured water up your butthole cause you're too lazy to take a shower every day (Johnny McNugget). Yup, Europe. Especially those dirty-ass French.

I have an experiment for you. Go to Google. Type in "french military victories" in the search engine, and click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Now, the I'm feeling lucky button brings you to the first search item in a normal search. And what my friends do you get? "No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found. Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents." And it also asks you: Did you mean: french military defeats. Losers.

ALERT: Eligible Bachelorette!

2008-07-14T23:25:00.002-04:00

Oh Khloe Kardashian, where have you been my whole life?

Not only is Khloe a no-name flatso who is only famous because her father was a lawyer on the O.J. Simpson case and her sister was in a sex tape, but she somehow managed to get even hotter.

Khloe (man, I hate typing out that f'ing name) will be heading to jail for violating her probation after receiving a DUI this past March. In other words, she's going to jail for not picking up trash on the highway and for not attending an alcohol education program. How cool is she?!

Now my fantasies of lovely Khloe behind bars, sweaty, and enjoying being sodomized by the night stick of a stern, but caring, bull-dyke prison guard can finally come to fruition. Bless you, Khloe. The rest of you single guys can go find your own loud, obnoxious, soon-to-be ex-con fattie - this one's taken!

Miss USA Falls, Again.

2008-07-14T09:42:00.004-04:00

In Miss Universe pageants you see women walk, smile, walk some more and smile even more. You see them walk in bikinis you see them walk in dresses. You see them walk together, you see them walk alone. You see them walk up stairs, you see them walk down stairs.

How they are judged, I have no idea. They all walk and smile and one eventually wins. In a "competition" which you are judged solely on walking and smiling there are only two things you can do to truly blow your chances of winning.

One, have no teeth. Two, fall down.

Miss USA obviously didn't work very hard at the second part. Sure she smiled... She smiled the shit out of the competition. However, it was that whole walking thing that got her. Damn it... Why didn't she train on her walking. We all know that Americans always have trouble in the walking sections of the "competition". I mean look at last years competition.

Two years in a row our American representative fell down. Really America? Seriously USA? I don't care if next years rep doesn't have teeth, just make sure she doesn't fall again. This shit is getting embarrassing.

Living Lohan...Again...Unfortunately

2008-07-13T23:11:00.003-04:00

Well it was another sad day for me. I sat through yet again another episode of a disgusting show. I have to admit though, I missed some parts of the show because I was flipping between that and re-runs of MTV's Two-A-Days...which is a sick sick show. I mean what more could a man want...high school cheerleaders, football, and oh did I mention...high school cheerleaders?

Quick recap of last nights show:

Ali starts to make a record (basically just a song) with an artist named Jeremy Greene. Uhm...I have no idea who this guy is, he has no wikipedia page, so to me he's not real.

Dina starts to complain that she never has any time to herself because shes soooo busy managing the careers of Lindsay and Ali. (Let me remind you that Lindsay is in LA and hasn't seen her mother in months, and Ali doesn't have a career.)

Later in the episode, Ali has an epiphany that the song is just "not her", so she quits...during studio time. Then she starts crying and complaining that Jeremy is being mean, because I mean all the guy did was pay for the studio and fly out to do a song with her.

The best part of the episode was while Ali was working in the studio Dina began to whore herself out. She went to a gym (I didn't know that you can join a gym for just a day), got her nails done, and hung out with Hugh and the Girls Next Door. The whole time this montage is going on Dina just keeps bragging about how Ali is recording a new hit song and it's going be on the radio soon blah blah blah. Well...maybe next time Ali.

Living Lohan By the Numbers:

Number of Times a Lohan Complained: 11

Number of Times I Switched Between Shows: 25

Number of Brain Cells Lost: 3,000 (equal to getting hit in the head with a baseball traveling roughly between 96-102 mph)

Verdict: Never....I repeat...Never try to order breakfast at a fast food place 5 minutes before they switch over to lunch. It's not fun, and you will be left unsatisfied. Oh yeah...watch The Two Coreys instead of this garbage.

Bored At Work?

2008-07-11T12:07:00.005-04:00

The majority of people that read this site are young professionals that work their 9 to 5 jobs and do nothing but dream about the weekends. Well... nothing but reading the funny opinions of the assholes that write this site and dream about the weekend.

This is a gift from me to you, you hard working young adults. You deserve something for all those long hours you put in. It is a game that opens in Microsoft Excel, so if your boss walks by you can shrink it and it looks as harmless as a spread sheet can be. However this game is fun and not very work safe so look over your shoulder before playing.

I didn't create this game and I have no idea who did but it is great.

Bang Bang Game

Brooke Knows Best…More Like Show Me Your Breasts!!!

2008-07-10T18:10:00.006-04:00

Recently Brooke Hogan did an interview with the associated press regarding her career, her new show, and of course her family. What I have in store for you today is something magical…like Aladdin’s magic carpet magical, or like magic mushrooms magical. As most of you know in my spare time I like to sleep, play video games, and decode messages for the CIA. Hence my ability to decode Brooke Hogan’s answers to these difficult, and emotional questions.

AP: What made you want to do another reality show?

What Brooke Said: The first four times we did the reality show, I didn't have my stuff together with my music career. So this time, I'm like, all right, I have to start recording an album and using this TV show to my benefit, other than just letting these cameras come into my life to make ratings (laughs). And plus, I have to admit I really do miss the guys when they're gone, because they're like built-in family now, all the cameramen and stuff. So it's like, "Ah man, I really hate being followed all the time, but OK, come back. You guys are cute." (Laughs.)

What Brooke Meant: Since I’m a terrible singer and like 7 feet tall, my choices were kind of limited. I mean it was either make money by using my family name, or try out for the WNBA.

AP: Do you think the Hogan reality show helped tear your family apart?

What Brooke Said: I don't think a camera and a cameraman can destroy a family. I mean, they're not part of the family. But I think that it was the pressure of the cameras being there and the pressure of being on guard and not really being able to let your feelings fly, like if you are mad at somebody. Let's just say my parents were fighting; they couldn't just let it all out on national television. So I think it kind of suppressed it to the point where it almost let it explode, but I think that it would have come sooner or later.

What Brooke Meant: Well, it helped make us filthy rich so I guess win some lose some would be the best way to sum it up. I mean my mom went nuts, my brother almost killed someone, my dad turned into Ebenezer Scrooge, but I got a new reality show.

AP: Do you think the strain of your brother's problems played a role in your parents' breakup?

What Brooke Said: It takes two to tango, and it was my mom and dad, they had problems. And it's not the camera crew that tears it apart, it's not Nick's accident that tears it apart, it's just that those things add more stress so I think that to every cloud there's a silver lining, and I think that they almost saved my parents from their marriage going any farther down a destructive road.

What Brooke Meant: (I have no idea what she is talking about. I think the clouds are a metaphor for her buttocks, but I’m not sure.)

AP: How have you dealt with your brother not being around?

What Brooke Said: It's really, really hard because I feel like our whole lives I was able to protect him ... and now I had to watch him walk away in handcuffs and I couldn't do anything about it. It's hard because he's like my best friend. I mean, I have friends, but my brother is really the one person who I can confide in and talk to about anything. So it's tough because everything that we talk about now is recorded. And we saw what happened with that.

What Brooke Meant: My brother is a really good looking guy. I mean, he works out a lot so he’s obvi got tight lats and abs that I could iron my shirt on. The whole conjugal visit thing is getting old now, but hey, it was fun while it lasted!

AP: How did you and your mother get so far apart?

What Brooke Said: My mother and I naturally have a tremendous bond, there's like a bond that you just can't break with us. ... Right now I'm just really disappointed with her and I feel like I wish I could talk to her, but you just can't. It's one of those kind of things where, I am a very straight-laced person and maybe that makes it even harder for me to see the path that she's going down as being right, but I look at her now and I'm like, "You were my hero at one point. Why are you making these weird choices?" I don't understand it. I definitely don't condone what's going on. I definitely don't think it's cool who she's dating. I think it's ridiculous but at the end of the day she's my mother and I will still respect her and love her but right now ... I just have to love her from a distance for now.

What Brooke Meant: My mom is currently riding a guy the same age as me. I don’t how she lands these hotties. I mean I’m the younger one, I have my own show, and yet my mom is getting all the attention. My mom is such an attention whore it makes me so angry. Don’t forget to watch Brooke Knows Best premiering Sunday night!

AP: Were you at one point as disappointed in your dad?

Hogan: My dad and I had a little bit of a tiff earlier this year and that kind of stuff I really don't want to talk about now, but I was disappointed for a minute. But what I respect about my dad is he comes forth and he tells the truth, and he's a very honorable person, I respect him a lot. He, I know deep down, has a good heart. Honesty with me goes such a long way that once the truth comes out and that person can be man enough to tell you the truth, it gives me an even higher respect for them than before.

What Brooke Meant: I’m only famous because my dad is the greatest wrestler of all time (yes as a child I was a Hulk-a-maniac). I mean it was his money and his fame which brought me into the spotlight. I may act stupid as some points…but I’m not retarded, I’m not gonna bad mouth the man who paid for everything for me. LOVE YOU DADDY!

AP: Are you dating anyone?

What Brooke Said: I was actually dating somebody that I've actually known since I was 15, and that was a great experience and I'm still really, really close to him and I still really love him but we just recently kind of broke it off, so it didn't seem right anymore. So as of right now I'm single.

What Brooke Meant: Now that I’m famous I can’t be seen with an average Joe. Seriously, I’m Brooke Hogan, you need at least 20 million in the bank before you even speak to me.

AP: Will we see your romantic side in the new show?

What Brooke Said: You'll see a little bit of the romantic side. I went on a couple of dates. Some of them were disasters and some of them were really, really great. You'll just have to find out! I'm not going to tell you everything about it.

What Brooke Meant: Put it this way…my gynecologist is now speed dial number 2. Number 1 is reserved for my daddy!

Interview Source : HERE

What the Hell?

2008-07-10T13:05:00.005-04:00

Last night, the Crypt Keeper made a guest appearance on the Australian talk show Kyle and Jackie O. In an attempt to captivate the audience, he did a full split in strippers heels. This whole time, I thought he was a friggin' puppet and then he goes and does this to prove me wrong.

Wait...THAT's Pam Anderson? Wow. It makes me sad that I wasted so much sperm on her from '95 - '98. I think we can all agree on one thing - the years (and hep C) have not been kind to Pam.

In a related story, the floor was soon-after treated with Penicillin.

Take The Damn Pill

2008-07-10T11:03:00.003-04:00

The rage fills me. I am like a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle here is my fist. When I get all steamed up hear me shout. Tip me over so I don’t off myself.

Jamie Lynn Spears 17, gave birth to daughter Maddie Briann on June 19. This went basically unreported on PesUP because… well we don’t really give a shit. Now if she took her shirt off on June 19th you might have heard some fuss.

The reason I bring it up now is because of an interview I read in which Jamie says this about her new life as an unmarried teenage mother:

"I love taking care of her. It is so much fun. I just want to hug her and kiss her, and I'm happy all the time,"

Great Jamie, we’re glad the baby is healthy and everything is going well for you. One question though, did you have to make having a baby sound so gosh darn great? Now with an insecure, stressed out, emotional mess (that every teenager becomes at some point in their life) we will have to worry about two things instead of one. We used to think, “Wow, they are really depressed I hope they don’t kill themselves.” Now we are going to have to say, “Wow, I really hope they don’t get pregnant.”

Trust me people we are better off with the suicides. Just because your life sucks doesn’t mean that you should drag a poor baby into this shit. Your life sucks not his/hers.

When people say stupid things other people listen, causing IQ’s to drop like value of the dollar (economy joke). The thing about stupidity is it is more infectious then pink eye. The more dumb shit that is spread, the more likely we are to watching Ben Affleck movies or walking around with Bluetooth headset on when we aren’t on a phone call.

Please, Jamie Shut Up.

This Watermelon Is So Good!

2008-07-09T10:12:00.000-04:00

This watermelon is so good it's giving me a boner. No, it really is giving me a boner.

"What the researchers touted is the presence of a precursor called citrulline of arginine, a common natural amino acid, in watermelon. Arginine has a range of physiologic functions in the body and some help maintain sexual health and promote sexual performance."

Now my favorite summer treat will also remind me of the lack of women in my life. Damn it, I already have my mom for that.

"I know I am not getting any younger mom. I just haven't found the right girl yet. God!"

Look for the next poll where you will get to vote on who should eat an entire watermelon and write their experience.

Music's 5 Biggest Hoes

2008-07-08T22:17:00.003-04:00

Since the 1970s, music has been associated with sex, drugs and rock n roll. Since I'm tone deaf and not into drugs, I can only address the former subject. Submitted for your consideration, I present to you the 5 Biggest Hoes in Music:

5. Shadiest Past

Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones is notorious for her raunchy lyrics, hardcore attitude and her provocative dress style. Kim has taken the number 5 slot on this list for her past as a teenage runaway and alleged former prostitute. In other words, she is a hoe. Fo' sho! Plus, rumor has it that you can get herpes just by listening to her lyrics.

4. Lyrics

It may seem difficult to snatch the dirtiest song out of the air (haha, snatch...), but I had no trouble doing it. There were some close runner-ups like Akinyele's 1996 smash hit Put it in Your Mouth and Lil' Kim's How Many Licks, but Khia's 2002 top 100 song, My Neck, My Back coasted in to take the top spot. There's nothing classier than a hook like "My neck, my back / Lick my pussy / And my crack". A club banger promoting analingus. Folks, we have ourselves winner!

3. By Volume

In his 2001 tell all, Kiss and Make-up, Kiss front man, Gene Simmons, claimed to have had sex with 4,600 women. Now extrapolate that by another 7 years and you end up with something like 36,000. I dunno, I'm not a math guy. Out of the 4,600 women he slept with, one in particular stands out. His live-in girlfriend, Shannon Tweed, was the 80's / early 90's biggest soft core porn icon, and is still doable in her 50's. Shannon, if you're reading - call me!

2. Confirmed Kills

What Gene Simmons has in speculation, Jennifer Lopez has in confirmed kills. I can only name one woman that Gene Simmons banged, but J Lo has been stuck by: Chris Paciello ('94), Wesley Snipes ('94 - '95), David Cruz ('95 - '96), Ojani Noa ('96 - '98), Joaquin Cortez ('98), P Diddy ('98 - '01), Chris Judd ('01 - '03), Ben Affleck ('02 - '04), Paul Hunter ('02), and Marc Antony ('04 - present). That's ten. This list is as of '94, when she was Jenny, a 25 year old girl from the block. Lord knows she had to have made her way around it a few times before '94.

1. The Biggest Overall Hoe
How do you top a former prostitute and a man that claims to have been with almost 5,000 women? Simon and Garfunkel's Cecilia found a way. "I got up to wash my face / When I've come back to bed some one's taken my place". Wow...it takes what? 2 minutes to wash your face and there's already another dude at it. What do you do at that point? I suggest making yourself a lobster dinner. And dunking your junk into the boiling water along with the lobster to disinfect whatever disease you most likely just ended up getting. Disclaimer: if you're dumb enough to stick your package in boiling water, you deserve what you get. You also probably shouldn't eat the lobster at that point...

Will Smith... Ugh

2008-07-08T09:55:00.001-04:00

What has a full coat of fur? Runs around on all fours? Eats kibbles and bits? When it gets excited it wags its tail? And barks?

The Answer: A dog!! If you got that right congratulations. If you got that wrong... stop reading this blog (Rosie O'donald is also acceptable).

OK, let’s try this again.

What works in Hollywood? Makes big time movies? Donates millions of dollars to a school aimed to teach children the power of science and the flaws of modern medicinal and education? And hangs out with Tom Cruise?

The Answer: A scientologist right? WRONG. The answer is Will Smith. Now your asking isn't that one in the same?

That’s right ladies and gentlemen it appears that Will Smith is a full time Scientologist now even though he still denies his connection to the church. I really think this whole Scientology thing is getting out of control.

People will say, “Leave them only, they aren’t hurting anyone.”

Oh yeah? Do you know how influential Hollywood is to the assholes and weak willed people? How long is before becoming Scientology becomes the latest fad for 13 year old girls?

Please don’t think of me as some kind of closed minded fool. Sure I am speaking out against a group of people solely based on their beliefs. I don’t mind what they believe in, I just hate when people try to share their beliefs with me and other young people. You know what other group I hate solely based on their beliefs. The Nazi’s. Do you still think I am a bigot?

Still Living Lohan

2008-07-08T00:10:00.004-04:00

The Show:

Loki takes an Ambien and watches the show in an Ambien induced coma.

Ali (correctly) accuses record producer Jeremy Greene of insinuating to the tabloids that he and Lindsay had some sort of relationship going.

Dina mediates between Jeremy and Ali. All is well.

Dina celebrates making it into Boulevard magazine, a Long Island publication.

While at the Boulevard party, the Lohan household has an electrical fire. There is no damage an no one gets hurt.

Loki dreams that he goes to his high school bus stop wearing his left loafer on his right foot and his right athletic shoe on his left foot. Kids point and laugh. Loki dies a little inside.

The Numbers:
Number of times Lindsay was mentioned by 10:32: 7
Number of times Lindsay was mentioned by 11:00: 17
Number of Aqua Globes I bought from an infomercial during the show due to my Ambien coma: 4
Percentage of Ali's face her gi-normous eyeballs take up: 23%

The Verdict:
Given the choice between an Ambien induced coma and Living Lohan, I'd actually rather Live Lohan. Enjoy it while it lasts Lohans...your victory is fleeting!

Arods getting divorced

2008-07-07T08:55:00.001-04:00

Are you sad about this? I sure as hell am not. I actually think this is one of the funniest story’s out there. First of all Arod is now dating Madonna, I know I said the same thing.

“She’s still alive?”

I just find it so hard to be sad for someone who has signed two contracts each for over a quarter of a billion dollars. Using simple math would indicate that he has/will be paid over half a billion dollars for playing baseball, never mind all of his other sponsorships and appearances.

Sorry Arod, no love from PESUP. Good luck with Madonna. I heard you are getting a new sponsor… The Gap. Oh man, that’s cold.

Happy Birfday America!

2008-07-04T15:34:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I just woke up from my nap. I hope everyone out there is having a GR8 day, I know I am because I'm currently munchin on a double burger with queso dip instead of cheese (I highly recommend you try this). Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I have a long day of drinking, eating, and XBOX 360 ahead (wait...head?) of me so I must go.

By the way, I'm currently starting another petition to revoke Hulk Hogan's entrance music of "Real American" and replace it with "Gold Digger"...thoughts?

Haha, Nobody Likes You, Tila

2008-07-03T02:01:00.002-04:00

During last night's finale of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 2, Tila rejected a guy who professed his undying love for her for an unsure bisexual chick. In an ironic twist of fate, the chick rejected Tila deciding that she prefers sausage parties to clam bakes. Tila walked away alone and humiliated.

In response to season 2's shocking conclusion, MTV has announced that it will begin filming a third, darker season this coming fall. To emphasize that the show will take on a darker tone, they have renamed the show A Shot at AIDS with Tila Tequila, in which MTV will inject Tila with AIDS and she will have sex with each contestant without their prior knowledge of her infection.

The winner of the show is the last person standing, who will win a shot at love with Tila Tequila. Providing that she has not yet died of AIDS.

It's Been an Odd Couple of Days at the Office...

2008-07-02T12:52:00.002-04:00

As I walk through the halls of PesUP, I wonder to myself, "Why the hell haven't we been posting?" I stop by the kitchen to pose this question to Johnny, but he is in the middle of an unstoppable brainstorm. Before I can say a word Johnny beats me to the punch and says, "Why do we have to order a sandwich, fries, and a shake separately? It's criminally inefficient. If there was only some way to combine all three into a delicious sandwich and cut my order time down by a third...Wait! There is a way! The way I just said!" Johnny kept going, but I would be a fool to interrupt genius at its finest.

I try to find Murdoch. He is preoccupied with the Spyrograph he bought on eBay last week. He has actually spent 36 hours straight dripping paint into it and it doesn't look like he plans on stopping any time soon. He mumbles something incoherent. I sounds kinda like "Get me water, I'm dehydrated and might actually die soon." Haha, crazy Murdoch. Let's see what Book is doing.

Book is wearing L.A. Lights and is hula hooping on the Wii Fit in his underpants. He asked me to videotape it so he could put it on Youtube. I did what any good Samaritan would do and videotaped my friend thrusting his pelvis around while he's in his knickers, so he can post it on the internet for the world to see.

As for me? I've taken the Metamucil challenge. I'll spare you the details but until I can convince the guys to get wireless internet (and to buy me a laptop so I can use the wireless internet), I'll be indisposed for the next few days. I've never felt so empty inside. Stay tuned over the next few weeks as we resume parodying celebrities, bringing you the best in today's dumbass news and offering our opinions when nobody is asking for them. Plus, more Living Lohan, Ugos-of-the-Week and a strange assortment of eclectic musical tastes. Night Ranger would be proud.

Ray J is Famous

2008-07-02T08:42:00.002-04:00

I was browsing through Billboard's Hot 100 and almost shit a brick when I saw that Ray J, the guy barely known as the co-star in the Kim Kardashian sex tape and even less known as Brandy's brother, has the #16 song in the country right now. Why do you do insist on doing this to me, America? But the better question was why was I reading Billboard's Hot 100? I don't know. I do a lot of things I can't explain. Like that time I paid for sex with Bridget the Midget. I shouldn't have paid for sex with half a person. She should have paid me for sex with a full-sized person. I guess some people buy SUVs; other buy compacts. I rented a Smart car.

Feldman/Haim 2008

2008-06-26T23:48:00.006-04:00

You will never believe this story. I don't know how it's not mainstream news. The famous Corey's from the 80's have a reality show together on A&E. Apparently it's on its second season. (I will call this Amazing Fact #1).

Amazing Fact #2

Both Coreys confront each other on the show. They are mad at each other for sitting idly by while they were getting molested by separate men when they were both 14 years old. HOW ARE WE NOT WATCHING THIS???

Haim berates Feldman for standing by while an unnamed man interfered with him. In the fiery episode, he says, "You let me get f**cked around in my life. Raped, so to speak, when I was 14 and a half, by a guy you still hang out with. "What did you think when you saw that s**t going on with me?" Feldman replies, "I was being molested at the same time by someone else. What did you do?"

Amazing Fact #3

And there were further reports that Feldman actually had to come out to the public and refute that the man raping him was Michael Jackson. Feldman actually reports that he and Michael have their own problems, but that "Beat It" didn't, well, you know... (For some reason this reminds me of the Diff'rent Strokes episode with the child molester linked here).

Amazing Fact #4

Feldman's wife, pictured above, is posing for Playboy for free. Apparently Hef was at Corey's wedding and is close friends with the 80's actor (Why are all 80's has-beens great friends with Playboy? Is that why they're all has-beens? Have they lost all of their man-mojo by spilling it out in the famous grotto?). So naturally Hef being invited to the wedding gave him the right to go up to the bride and say "hey can I sell pictures of your tits in a nationwide magazine?" I mean, what kinda gift did he give them so that she'd do it for free? Cause I'm going to a wedding later this summer, and while I'm not interested in the bride, I'm sure there's someone there I'd like to entice into naked pics for my own uses.

Amazing Fact #5

Has-been 80's child star that got raped by a man (not "Thriller" I swear) and let his wife pose naked for all of America to see for free while getting his own crappy reality show- got that hot piece up above...

Troyer Voyeur

2008-06-25T21:27:00.007-04:00

Guess who's packin' 13 inches of meat and isn't gonna take it easy on you?

Dirk Diggler?

WARNING: Clicking on the picture below will bring you to TMZ.com. Sorry. Plus, gross material.

That's right. Those 13 inches comin' out of Dirk right there. Verne "Mini-me" Troyer. Has a sex tape. With that guy, even a virgin must be like a hot-dog down a hallway. I mean, I refuse to watch it based upon the principal that it's a MALE celebrity sex-tape, but I'm curious. Does the whole thing go in? And by whole thing, I mean his whole body. Cause I've seen some stuff on the internet, and he doesn't look much bigger than my two fists next to each other, or the wide-end of a champagne bottle.

I know most women are total whores that would sleep with any movie star, no matter how small, just because he's rich and famous and the girl needs that attention cause her dad did things to her when she was little, or wasn't there enough. But PUH-LEAZE. I bet he could use one of those little grippy things you get in the office supply closet so that you can flip pages and not cut your finger as a Magnum. And that's only if he's proportionally huge. I mean, the dude can't even walk normally cause it's like walking a mile every time he's gotta go to the fridge in the kitchen. Plus, his knees basically touch his ankles and hips. Well, at least we know he's bendy. I just hope he gets her pregnant so that there is this abomination porno as a documentary to the conception of this child. Yuck.

**UPDATE**

I've seen the picture of Mini-me making out with a girl that looks surprisingly like first Ug-O of the week recipient Amy Winehouse. But if you look in the background, you can clearly make out a copy of "Power Actor" sitting on the floor in what looks like a pile of clothes. Is Mini-me reading acting books to brush up for his home porno? I mean, we've all seen him act. He's Oscar-worthy already. He doesn't need that.

Remember when we were cool?

2008-06-24T15:20:00.001-04:00

Hey guys,

It's Book again. Remember when our readers used to be cool with us? And we would post and they would all comment on articles and vote? What happened to us? I mean, it seems like just yesterday we were telling stories of memories passed and there was love between us all. I don't care if you don't know me. I don't care if you only know Murdoch or Loki. And everyone knows McNugget didn't tell his friends. But he's lovable too. Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can WE be friends? (Sorry, I got caught in a song sequence by that trickster Randy Newman.) Is it because I totally farted? Cause everybody does it. God. I'm sorry. I can't apologize enough...

I'm sorry for yelling. But I'm feeling nostalgic. Even the news today is nostalgic. Let me tell you a story.

A long time ago (like last year or something) in a place far, far away (New York City), there was a wise-old owl. The owl got paid to live in the dark of morning and go to sleep after the rush-hour was over. The owl would keep hooting about sports and news and really wasn't that funny, but he was an old owl, so it was ok. No one really paid too much attention to what the owl said until one day when he observed a group of Scarlet Knights playing a magical game with a hoop and a ball. When the owl called them "nappy-headed ho's", everyone and their mother wanted to kill the owl. But the owl apologized to everyone like a billion times. He went to God. He was sorry. He couldn't apologize enough...

So the owl disappeared for a while into a cave. While the owl was hiding, a Titan was hanging out with some friends trying to see some female Titans without their armor. One of the friends got really mad and paralyzed another person. This stopped the Titan from being able to play in the arena on Sundays. The Titan had to make himself over into a Cowboy in order to go back to the arena. After a long hard year of doing pretty much nothing, the Titan's transformation was almost complete. That's when the owl hooted again, calling into question the color of the new Cowboy's armor. But the owl said he was just trying to ask why Scarlet Knights and Black Titans were treated more unfairly than others.

I just think they're all stupid.

THE END

Debate for the Ages

2008-06-23T17:31:00.002-04:00

I have to post this, sorry everyone. Unless you have been living in the red storm that is the eye of Jupiter you know that there is an incredibly important debate raging in Hollywood as well as around the internet. Of course I am talking about whether or not Suri Cruise should still be drinking out of a bottle at the age of 2:

“A debate rages on about whether or not she should still be drinking from a bottle”
Story:
http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/suri-cruise-and-the-battle-over-the-bottle/27?nc

There is a poll at the end of this post asking: Do you think Suri should be off the bottle? In which 115,374 people have voted. That’s right, over one hundred thousand people not only read this article with full knowledge of what it was about but then voted on the website.

The highest amount of votes we ever got was like 80 on this website. Hold on, I am going to find a rope strong enough to hold about 160 pounds.

Holy Diabetes Batman.

2008-06-23T16:05:00.007-04:00

I can feel my heart struggling to beat hard enough to get blood all the way through my body by just looking at this thing. As if bacon isn’t awesome enough, it looks like they stuck fries to it. Then in a moment of pure brilliance the mastermind behind this heart disease causing masterpiece put it on a stick. Wow, just wow.

Personally I can’t believe I beat Johnny McNugget to this story but it seems that Australia has now over taken the USA in the most over weight nation in the world (not that the bacon and fries on a stick has anything to do with the story itself but come on that thing looks phenomenal).

Throw another shrimp on the Barbie, or don’t… I think Australians are a bunch of inbred criminals. What have they ever done for us? Good for nothing Kangaroos, hopping around with the crocks. What the shit is a didgeridoo. Foster's, Australian for piss in a can!

I have never been to Australia but I safely assume it is all hot and swampy and everyone wears the animal’s they kill skin. They definitely don’t have electricity or tooth brushes. Hey, if I am wrong feel free to comment, but I really won’t believe you. Once I create an image in my head it sticks there forever.

I ate at the Outback one time, I got the blooming onion. If you want to see how many calories you should eat in a month, just take a look at that things health facts. No wonder they took us over, those fatty fats. Houston, Milwaukee and Chicago your allowed to eat again. What you never stopped? Yeah, I knew you would never stop.

By the way, how do you think this thing would taste dipped in melted chocolate?