Thursday, July 31, 2008
I'm not sure if this is news or not, but I know nobody has heard it yet. Today, around 4pm EST, Brett Favre applied for his reinstatement back to football. Apparently he could not wait to be back on the field, carrying his teammates to certain victory. Are you shocked? I know I am. I remember that day he was all crying being like "I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth" then subsequently got Lou Gehrig's Disease and died. Wait, wrong thing. But he was really sad.
Wait, you know that he's applied for reinstatement for the Packers already? And you've known about this for weeks now? Oh, well, I'm not talking about the Packers. In a PESUP exclusive, we have learned that Mr. Favrarevea (however you pronounce it) is applying to be reinstated by the NCAA so that he can go back to becoming the quarterback of the Golden Eagles of the University of Southern Mississippi.
When asked why he took so long to render this decision, Favre responded:
Well, I had never intended on graduating. They asked me, but I felt as if I was under the gun at the time, and I wasn't ready to make a decision. I felt bad leaving the fan base and leading them on, so I told them I would graduate, knowing full well I wasn't ready. I know my body can make a return to college football, plus the cheerleaders are hot and young.
When asked to comment, the USM spokesperson referenced that Brett was out of academic eligibility, and that he had finished his coursework in Education (with focus on special education), and had exercised his full 4 years of NCAA eligibility.
Brett was then quoted as saying:
All I'm asking for is my shot to try and compete. I know I can win behind the USM offensive line. But if USM will not allow me to pursue a starting quarterback position, I will attempt to transfer to Florida State, Florida, Miami, Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, Tulane, or any school on USM's schedule during the year. If I am unable to do this, I will go back to my high school in Kiln, Mississippi. Cause hey, high school girls are hot.
The less famous...errr excuse me NOT famous Lohan, recently auditioned for her first movie role. The movie "Troll" is supposed become the next mainstream horror movie and Ali just couldn't resist the temptation. I mean come on, we all know that "House of Wax" boosted Paris Hilton's career so Ali's move to do film is totally understandable. The only problem with this movie is not that it will go straight to DVD, its the fact that the director is Peter Davy, who has directed many adult films including "Breast Wishes 14" and "Bun Busters 12" (both quality movies). If that wasn't bad enough, Davy is most noted for discovering the porn star Houston...who once got jiggy with 620 guys in one film. I think this all happened because Ali heard that Lindsay starred in a movie called "Herbie Fully Loaded" (talk about false advertising...not one load was shot during the entire movie, well except for mine of course!).
What's funny about this whole situation is that Dina is accepting NONE of the blame for this, mind you that she is still Ali's manager. Look, I know I don't know everything about movies and crap like that...but I do watch "Entourage" so I feel like I know enough to make fun of this situation. In reality, as a famous person's manager you really only have one job, to research people involved with movies or whatever it may be and see how you liked and/or disliked their previous work. It's really not hard, I think any 12 year old knows how to use imdb.com. I guess Dina was too busy eating bon bons and watching "General Hopsital" to actually manage one of her two clients.
However, I hate ending on such a negative note, so in case your wondering Ali got the part. HORRAY!
I love that cocky look she gives in the middle of her indecipherable babbling and her trying to grab the trophy away from the presenter. If I lost to her in a spelling bee, I'd go grab a nice, thick cable cord and hang myself from the ceiling, because I'd be a friggin' waste of life (hint, hint to the loser).
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Just do me a favor and read the title with a "Groundskeeper Willie" voice in your head. It will please me.
ST. PAUL, Minn. - Minnesota wildlife officials tried for six days to capture a bear that had a plastic jar stuck over its head, but ended up killing the animal after it wandered into a city during a festival.
When I first read this, I was all like "man, six days and they couldn't even catch a bear!" But then I re-read where this was. And remember, the entire Mid-West is autistic. But what a way to go. One minute you're lookin' for some sweet honey, and the next, you're dead with a jar on your head.
Now, bears don't have eulogies, but if this one did, it would go a little something like this:
He was a good bear. A god-fearing bear. But as with most bears, he shared an inherent weakness in honey. Every day he would wake up and say "I'm done, I'm going cold-turkey." But his friends and family knew that by the fall of night, he'd be down on his knees in front of Eeyore for a hit of that amber delight. We all thought eventually, the hunger would take him. But we did not think it would be this soon. He is survived by his partner, Tigger, the imaginary hopping tiger, and his adoptive son, Piglet.
But I'm ok with Pooh Bear. I'm all about cartoons that teach children that bears are friendly, and to approach them as Christopher Robin did: with something they love to eat, and no reservations. If only people would just realize, bears aren't the problem; it's the Iranians.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I feel really bad for this kid for two reasons. One, his nose could host the 2010 Winter Olympics. Two, he's a 20 year old, who dressed up like The Joker, and tried to steal Batman stuff. I think it's safe to say that he has become the newest member of the Virgin For Life Club. How do I know this you may ask...well...not only am I the president but I'm also a member!
We at PESUP would like to take a few moments to reflect back on some of the classic posts that have kept us going and you reading. Hope you enjoy them. I had just as much fun the second time around. Without further ado:
Mr. Murdoch reflect on why in the world assholes wear Crocs
Johnny McNugget reflects on why in the world assholes have to ruin Facebook
Mr. Book's astute observations on the similarities between women and running backs
Loki reflects on the more-than-40-hour-work week
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mea Culpa (or "my fault", today's translation of "my bad", more realistic as "I'm sorry", or my 11th grade Macroeconomic teacher Mr. Lefsky used to mean it "sorry you caught me ogling your 11th grade goodies girls") for all the following. There have been some crazy things said on this blog, and I just want to clear the air.
1) Madonna's daughter has a mustache. And the makings of a unibrow.
2) Britney, you got boring. We can't cover you anymore.
3) That post by anonymous. You know him/her, right? That guy/girl that always posts shit they can't back up cause he/she has a man/vagina. And I quote: "I hope that all of you that make this hateful and reckless comments about Heath burn blissfully in hell. It's so classy of you to take the plunge on him now that he can't fight back... Really brave! Yeah... Awesome.... Just fucking burn in hell. All of you, motherfuckers!"
First off... Language! I'm sure if you believe in hell, and don't like blaspheming about the dead, you know that wishing someone else burns in hell is kinda a sin that puts you yourself in hell. But semantics aside, I don't give a shit about Heath Ledger. He had a drug overdose after banging one of the Olsen twins. He's hardly a saint. If he was a stand-up guy, he woulda been with his wife (not ex) and daughter instead of living it up in a brownstone whilst banging 1/2 of Michelle from Full House. I did say it's a shame he's gone cause he was a damn good actor just ready to go about his career, but the more I think about it, it was probably just the drugs he was on that made him a great Joker.
And "taking the plunge on him now that he's gone"? First off, I make fun of the living. Have you read any posts on this website? Nobody expected the bastard to be dead at 28. Had he gotten off the drugs, I wouldn't have to make fun of him.
Now, anonymous, you're one of two types of people. First, you can't take a joke. In which case, why the hell are you on this site???!!!??? And PLEASE SHUT UP! Or, you're some sort of celeb jock-sniffer that feels closer to someone they read about in the news and see on tv because they have no real relationships in their life. In which case, take some sleeping pills and shuffle off this mortal coil to meet your boy Heath.
Or, you could be playin' the Chris Crocker "leave Heathy alone!" angle. In which case, touche good sir. And to you (the third version), I offer my "Mea Culpa!"
If a picture is worth a thousand words, I can't imagine what the one above is worth. If you asked me yesterday, "Say, Loki, would you throw Madonna a bone?" I would've replied, "That's an odd question considering I don't fucking know you, but yeah, I'd take that old 3-speed out for a spin."
I think after today, if you asked anyone that question, you'd receive roughly 7 billion "No's" and one "hell yes, she's my fucking soul mate, dude."
Madonna looks terrifying. She looks like she got in a bare-knuckle brawl with Dalton from Roadhouse and won (not surprising with those sinewy Alien-like arms). In her old age, she's become a horribly disfigured bobblehead. And I don't like to make fun of kids, but please - take that chia-pet to a salon and get those eyebrows waxed! It's hard enough being young, now try growing up as a bi-racial girl with an estranged father (living in a different country), and having two caterpillars glued to your forehead! I think this throbbing vein in my head is about to pop.
By the way...that picture is worth exactly 162 words.
Good old Ferris himself (Matty Broderick) is in the news for cheating on an Ug-O of the week alum (Ms. Sarah Jessica Horseface Parker). Now, I for one am pissed. What the hell happened to Sloan? She was all like "he wants to marry me" and I was all like, man, the dweebs, jocks, nerds, everyone likes this guy. And then he leaves Sloan for Sarah of "Square Pegs" fame. I mean, he was awesome. How the hell could he leave Sloan?
So now reports are that he f'ed some 25-year-old redhead a few weeks ago. Let's do the math. She was either born in 1982 or 1983. Ferris Bueller's Day Off came out in 1986. So she was probably 3 then. Or 2. Awesome. I hope she was hot. Cause let's face it, most redheads aren't. That's one of the reasons you don't see many of them around. I mean, once again, genetics. If redheads were the hot thing, you'd see tons of them these days. But usually they're all pale and albino-like. And they're mostly boring. But I heard they're crazy in bed.
The whole PESUP crew was at a party recently where McNugget LOUDLY spotted a hot redhead, then had to walk away because he blew up his own spot. I bet she was crazy in bed. She had those crazy eyes. So let me congratulate Mr. Broderick for finally nailing something that doesn't resemble Smarty Jones.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I know you all want to hear about the final tallies. Here is the deal.
Sir Spread took down the most beers with an amazing 28. Both McNugget and Myself took down 23. Yeah, sad story. There were many things we could have done differently and probably should have. We will figure it out and talk about another attempt.
You want some fun stats? We stepped on the scale before we took our first sip and then did again at the end of the attempt. McNugget gained 2 pounds during this attempt, I gained 4 pounds and once again in the lead... by a ton Sir Spread gained 11 pounds. YES AMAZING.
We also marked down how many times we each took a piss. McNugget went 14 times, Sir Spread went 15 times, I took down this category with an amazing 22 bathroom trips. Yup we actually started going outside to save water. Here at PESUP we care about the environment... Kinda.
Thanks for everyone checking up on us and hopefully with our next challenge (I hope it doesn't involve me drinking over 23lbs of beer) we come closer to our goal. Also we hope to post more and with more clarity. Believe it or not, after 20 beers posting kinda takes a back seat.
Thank God. This D-Bag has been ruining movies since he came onto the Hollywood scene. You might remember him from such great films as Transformers, Indiana Jones 4ish, Constantine and I-robot. Oh, you haven't seen any of those films... neither have I. Strange isn't it?
This weekend Shia (sweet name I thought I was writing a blog not hanging out at a strip club) was arrested for driving under the influence after getting into a car accident. Luckily no one was hurt, except Shia. He needed surgery on his hand and is expected to miss 1 month of filming on Transformers 2.
No way. That means, another piece of crap film that I will never see will be delayed another month or whatever. Blah blah blah and stuff. Yada yada yada eh ah eh.
OK this kid sucks. He makes millions and millions making movies (if one would dare call the 2 hours of wasted life that) and the fucker can't call a cab? Hopefully he spends 16 minutes in jail just like the rest of the celebs that get arrested for DUI's. I mean 16 minutes in jail can really change your life. Ask Lindsay Lohan, Khloe Kardashian, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, together they have spent almost 6 hours in jail. Yeah, hard time.
So Shia I hope the surgery goes well. Movies cost about 12 bucks a ticket now a days and without your name in the previews I might see some of these pieces of crap. Shit I want to retire some day.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Man, the last time I got tanked, I [unwarrantably] laid down on a girl's large boobs and told her to give me a kiss. She couldn't reach because her boobs were too big, so Weens kissed my forehead instead. In my drunken stupor (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it...for now anyway), I smiled and said "thank you, baby." I then proceeded to pull her cell phone out of her purse, and drunk dial a girl that I've hooked up with once and absolutely cannot tolerate, at 2AM, before the phone was [rudely] taken out of my hand. I then proceeded to throw up for an hour in the bathroom, into the beer pong pitcher for another half hour, twice the next morning and twice more in the afternoon.
How much alcohol did it take me to get to this level? Roughly 5 beers and half a liter of Jim Beam (roughly 11 shots) over a period of 4 hours. A guy my size will get a 0.08 blood alcohol level (BAC) by drinking 2 drinks per hour and for every hour that goes by, get rid of roughly 0.08 (this is really rough math - don't quote me on it). So I had 16 drinks in 4 hours, which equals a BAC of roughly 0.32 (16 drinks x 0.04 per drink - 4 hours x 0.08 processed per hour). As per the health department, that put me in a stupor, as a BAC of 0.3 or above is considered to be in a stupor. A 0.4 is considered to be comatose and a 0.5 is considered fatal.
On Tuesday, Rhode Island State police arrested 34 year old Stanley Kobierowski, after he drove into a billboard. His BAC? A whopping 0.491, the highest BAC ever registered in Rhode Island by someone that isn't dead. When police arrived at the scene, Kobierowski stumbled out of his car, then grabbed onto it and refused to move. Troopers were then forced to drag him into the squad car. Stanley, for your amazing feat of achievement; racking up a 0.491 BAC, driving, not killing anyone, and surviving, you deserve a drink. Salut!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
We'd here at PESUP would like to thank everyone for checking in all day with us. I believe I can speak for Loki and myself in saying we wished we had off yesterday and today as well. Finally, we have listed our blog on a website that ranks them by internet traffic. We've consistently been around 125-130 in the Celebrity blog category, but as of right now, we're at 99. We're pretty happy about that, but we'd like to go much higher. So if you could, please send out the website to all friends, acquaintances, and people you meet on the streets so that we can grow as a website.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Some names you might not know are Sir. Spread (a man that is no stranger to the PESUP office just never a contributor) and The Caretaker (named for the obvious reason). They will let you know the things that I would likely be leaving out. Hopefully you get some laughs out of this. I know we will.
9:04am- You might be asking yourself why are they showing me a picture of an empty table? Well trust me, as the day goes on that table will not be empty. We plan on building a giant tower of empty cans on there.
10:00am- While all you readers out there are slaving over computer screens, TPS reports, and powerpoint presentations...we will be drinking beer, watching movies, and playing catch (with each other's balls). LET THE GAMES BEGIN or Deje los Juegos Comenzar (for our large Spanish demographic)!!!
11:00am- There were many nay sayer's going into this magnificent feat of inebriation and unfortunately they were correct. Not even an hour in we had to add a fourth fierce competitor to this competition, Bud Light Bot. He adds the spunk and fortitude that will act as the catalyst necessary to bring us to victory and seat us atop mount Olympus. Wait its only an hour in and I am talking this gibberish, good lord this is going to be a long day.
12:00pm- So it's going as well as you would assume. We are pacing ourselves trying to keep occupied as the time passes and we aren't chugging beers. Here is a picture of the Bud Light Bot and the cans we have drank. Sure it doesn't look like a lot but trust me come back in three hours and it will be much more intense. So far we have just been joking an listening to music. Good times... for now.
1:00pm- Big news this hour, the Caretaker has appeared. For those of you who don't know, the Caretaker is our trusted ally who comes from The Planet of Work. This distant world is filled with people who spend their lives trying to be successful. I can only hope that someday I will have the drive and determination to visit this strange place, but as for now...I'm happy right here...with beer and zero self confidence. Also...Bud Light Bot has not stopped smiling at me and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.
2:00pm- During this last fun filled hour McNugget has returned "the eye" to bud light bot. I think there relationship will bloom as the day continues. As far as Murdoch goes, he has been obsessing about his tallon pj's all day.
3:00pm- Hey all, this is The Caretaker's post. I arrive to find Murdoch, McNugget, Sir Spread and the Bud Light Bot grilling outside (have no fear...I shut off the grill after they were done!) The beer count for everyone is 12 beers each and in my opinion they are all giving "the eye" to the Bud Light Bot. Also, I think they all have a slight obsession with this guy Talan (if you do not know who this "stud" is...he is one of the guys from Laguna Beach..see site below http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/laguna_beach_season_1/series.jhtml
Well, I better go back downstairs and check on the guys...or maybe I should just check on BLB (what the guys are calling the Bud Light Bot) to make sure he isn't being harassed!
4:00pm: Well it is starting to hit. I have drank a few beers and it feels wonderful. Trust me, the more I drink the more dangerous this all gets. The tower is growing. Next post you will see the three towers come together and built the perfect storm of towers. By the way towers mean the empty cans that exist because of the amount of beer we have drank... 1 love
5:00pm- Sorry guys no tower pictures yet, Murdoch got really excited and never took a picture and I have no idea how to work his camera. He is currently downstairs singing "Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy. In case your wondering I've begun relieving myself every half hour. We are staying on the pace of two brew dogs per hour, and it's really not that fun. If I could sum up my experience so far I'd say "I'm as nervous as a pre pubescent boy spending the night at Michael Jackson's house".
6:00 : I really hope that everything is going well with you. We have drank alot and at the part where drikning will directl.y affect. our drinking. later.
6:20: I am sorry for the preemptive post, but Murdoch is trying to compete with Bud Light Bot for McNugget's love. Also he is currently pulling the trigger in the bathroom so hopefully he will be able to post something worth reading the next time around. By the way if we had girls here this would have been supremely awesome, and I wouldn't have to j/o as I cry later.
7:00- Wow this is not as fun as I thought. We went outside to grill up some more meat obvi and I got attacked by mosquitos...prolly because my blood is so sweet. I have about 10 bites on me which happened in the matter of 15 minutes. Murdoch is still hammered and Spread seems to be on his way. Thank God the Caretaker made up spin dip as I have been nailing it for the past hour. Tune in at 8 for the exciting next chapter.
8:45pm- Hello again everyone, it's The Caretaker. I have been checking on the guys every hour and a half to two hours since 12:30pm. I arrived here 15 minutes ago to find Murdoch asleep in the recliner, McNugget half-asleep on the couch and Sir Spread is up and about cleaning. I'm guessing it's naptime! Hopefully you will see more posts later on!
10:15- This was the worst idea ever...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
As some of you may know, Murdoch and myself are both a quarter Italian. McNugget is 100% red-white-and-green. So it really makes us proud here at PESUP when we hear about the old motherland. Especially when we find out cool cultural information.
And what better info than the article above. It's too good to not quote:
It was less than a decade ago that Italy’s top criminal court ruled that it was impossible to rape a woman who was wearing jeans. The court concluded back then that nobody could forcibly remove a woman’s jeans unless she cooperated.
Now, the Italians really have something here. Have you ever seen a woman trying to put on jeans? They take like half an hour! When guys buy jeans, they don't hafta worry whether or not the butt tapers out or if it's too low-rise. Guys just worry about length and waist. They're pretty much straight-sized, and there aren't jeans for big butts or thunder-thighs. Girls look like they're at a pit-station in a NASCAR race. Things are getting screwed on and buzzed in and streamlined. And forget about getting those things wet. Any guy that's worn a tight shirt and sweat through it knows that you need the jaws of life to get out.
Now picture a drunk and/or frightened girl wearing tight-tight jeans. ITALIAN tight jeans. Yeah, that's hot. Wait, what was I talking about? Who cares. I'm gonna picture a hot girl in tight jeans. I suggest you do the same.
Also, she has the world's largest chin. She looks like the bastard child of Rocky Dennis and Glenn Quagmire. They could've staged the moon landing on her face.
On the upside, she and her idiot boyfriend are planning a trip to Iraq, as part of the Please I'll Do Anything Shameless Self-Promotion World Tour. Maybe they'll forget how to get home.
Wait, I have it. What if 3 people that's total weight and height adds up to that each drink 33 1/3 beers. HMMM. I think we got it.
Tune in tomorrow as Mr. Murdoch, McNugget and featuring for the first time on PESUP Sir Spread as they attempt to join the century club. No that isn't the club that has sex in airplanes.
We start tomorrow Wed 10am. Tune in throughout the day for live updates and the pure silliness that is happening while you're at work. Feel free to comment with well wishes and even your predictions on how close we will come to completing this feat.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Suicide has never been so funny. And leave it to those comedic geniuses (the Japanese) to show us just how to go out of this world on our own terms. You're really gonna hafta read this article yourself (linked through the picture). But for all those PESUP readers that don't likey the read-ey, I'll give you the finer points.
First, the Grim:
Nearly 34,000 Japanese killed themselves last year, according to the Japanese national police. That's the second-highest toll ever in a country where the suicide rate is ninth highest in the world and more than double that of the USA, the World Health Organization says.
Now, this isn't cool. That's like a whole baseball game crowd just deciding to end it all at the same time. Creepy.
Next, the Cultural:
For an unemployed, former "salaryman," suicide can be "a rational decision," Yamada says. When a man commits suicide in Japan, his beneficiaries can still collect his life insurance. And insurers pay off Japanese home mortgages when a family's breadwinner dies — even if the death is a suicide. "If he dies, the rest of the family gets money," Yamada says. "If he continues to live without a job, they will lose the house."
Now, this one, chalk it up to poor fiscal planning. In America, if you so much as die the WRONG WAY, they refuse to pay out your insurance. Insurance companies here are in the business of increasing your policy so that you have maximum coverage (i.e. expense) and minimum payout. I was gonna take out an insurance policy on McNugget, but no one would cover someone drowning in a pool from choking on a cheeseburger because the beer was on the other side of the pool and that's too far to wash down a cheeseburger.
Then, the Funny:
"People really want to be connected. People got together to die," says anti-suicide activist Koji Tsukino, 43. Tsukino, a recovering alcoholic and drug user who tried to kill himself 10 times before he turned 30, says the latest suicide craze is even scarier than those in the past.
Do you know WHY he's an anti-suicide activist? He doesn't want anyone showing him up. That idiot failed at dying 10 times. Maybe he's Hancock. Maybe he's stupid. I'm an anti-misogynist, cause I'm really bad at giving massages and the girl giving out the pamphlets wasn't wearing a bra.
Finally, the Lost-in-Translation Moment:
Hydrogen sulfide is dangerous even to those who don't want to kill themselves. The toxic gas can carry into neighboring buildings and apartments. In April, 80 people were injured and another 120 had to be evacuated after a 14-year-old girl killed herself with hydrogen sulfide in southern Japan's Kochi prefecture. She'd left a note on the door of her family's apartment that said, "Gas being emitted. Don't open..."
Damn, that's just nasty.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Holy Crap. Loki and myself caught a midnight showing of The Dark Knight last night. I'm exhausted today, but it was well worth it. I'm sure most of you have read or at least heard of the hype surrounding the movie and Heath Ledger's death. I wasn't crazy sad about Heath dying when he did, cause let's face it, he OD'ed on some drugs. It was more like Anna Nicole Smith part 2 than American hero dying too young. But now that I've seen what he could do with this Joker character, I really think it's a shame he's gone. So seriously, see this movie. There weren't any extra characters that went passed the storyline, there wasn't anything that sucked (Aaron Eckhart and Ledger stood out, with Bale doing a decent job and Maggie "I look old and wrinkly" Gyllenhaal wasn't too bad either).
Nah, I'm totally kidding, I wouldn't ruin anyone's movie going experience. I just always see those "spoilers below" things on other sites and I thought I'd give it the old college try. Purple monkey chicken butt.
So all in all, go see the damn movie. It's awesome. It's by far the best movie I've seen in the past five or so years. Just do it. The action sequences are thrilling, the Joker is an absolute madman, and even the citizens of Gotham are semi-realistic. This movie really combines the good characters, evil characters, and the tough choices that the men have to make to save Gotham. Both Harvey Dent (Eckhart's character) and Batman have to sacrifice their souls. This movie also shows how both characters come to grips with just how far they'd go to save the city. This movie gets 10/10, 5 stars outta 5, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Phewf. Everyone will be happy to know, I'm pooping solids again. I could've sworn that I had a case of the tomato salmonella. And with 1148 cases nationwide, I could've been right. You see, salmonella give you the liquid squirts and makes your tummy rumbly in a bad way. Sometimes you puke late at night in your boyfriend's house and wake up from sleep a contributor to this blog at 4am on a work night. (I mean, does she hafta sleep over every night man???) But I digress.
Remember the Taco Bell scandal of late 2006? Everyone that had either the green onions OR the lettuce (so anyone that didn't just get a pepsi) was in danger of getting E. Coli. And there are always tons of beef recalls for mad cow or e. coli. And now this tomato (or, I'm hearing, it could be jalapenos, cilantro, or Serrano peppers) outbreak is full of salmonella. How is it that all of a sudden all of our food is infected? You never heard of this stuff back in the late 80's or 90's.
It's one of two things. First, the Mexican migrant workers that are increasing picking the crops are beginning to see vegetables as places to wipe their butts and hang out. This would account for some of the nasties our food is carrying with them when they're shipped to us. But I doubt this is the case. I mean, are they doing it? Sure. More than the 90's? No way.
The second (and more logical) idea, is that the media has just taken this and run with it. Now, I know what you're saying. The media??? Blowing something out of proportion??? NO WAY! I know. I was scared and confused at first too. But as soon as you get out of the fetal position, start thinking about it. Now that the newspapers and 6'o'clock news have to deal with failing business models because the internet made everything real-time, they need more news instead of the recycled stuff that everyone has. So why not make it?
Back in the 90's, if a bunch of people got sick, it was called "food poisoning". You'd puke, and you'd go to work a day later. The end. It sucked, but you dealt with it, and you never freaked out. Now, if you get sick, you have e. coli, salmonella, and Loki's old nemesis, the herp. (Not that Loki has the herp, he just hates it cause it called him names once).
So if you get sick, just do what they used to do. Take the day off, run a nice bath, and suck down a bottle of the old pepto. Also, make sure to put a tarp down, cause you never know which hole.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
It turns out that Miley preaches abstinence (boooooooooooo! not for me, but shit, what about all the 16 year old kids that are thinking to themselves that they can land that ass?). Not only does she just believe in it but she wears an abstinence ring to prove to the world that she hasn't and won't have sex.
See, I just found that a bit weird because I saw some pictures of her and she wasn't wearing a ring... Like these two:
Or over here, see... no ring:
Wow, no ring. That is just plain silly.
Hayden Panettiere is the latest in a string of hotties that think they can sing because they do it in the shower and the muffled acoustics sound good, so they get a team together and try to put out a hit record (i.e. Scarlet Johannson, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag).
On the up side, in this video, Hayden is primped up like a whore in dark eye liner and tight clothing and she shakes her ass seductively. On the bad side when she tries to act gangsta, she moves like Natalie Portman in her infamous SNL rap video. Also, the song is fucking garbage. Hayden, you're hot and from what I hear, you can act. But when it comes to singing - please...SHUT UP.
I've read somewhere that men and women use the restroom differently (beyond the obvious sitdown and stand-up differences). When a man uses a public restroom, he often tries to use one on the end or in the corner. Sometimes when I walk into a restroom with 3 urinals, and each side is taken, I go and pee in a stall to avoid walking between the two other guys. It's weird thinking another man can see your junk, when he's prolly just peeing and thinkin to himself "gee, I really hope I don't accidentally see his junk". And this makes sense to me. This is the way it should be. Is it homophobia, or the fact that someone is expelling the nasty from their body in close proximity to you that a man will try and find a spot alone? Who cares.
But in the article I read, women do the opposite. Women tend to go straight to the middle of the stalls and take those (once again, this was some study I've read, so ladies, if I'm wrong, please let me know). And why is this? My first thought was that women crave attention, always trying to best one another, and maybe this was a king-of-the-hill game gone wild.
But as I thought about it (on the toilet no less) I remembered back to my sociology and anthropology classes back at the old university. And that's when it hit me. Are we using a modern form of Toilet Darwinism???
Darwin argued that the genetic aspects of a species will promulgate themselves based upon environmental factors by sticking around if the gene gives the animal a better shot of mating. (For all PESUP readers, whatever gets you laid or keeps you alive long enough to get laid will probably be around in thousands of years because you'll pass those genes on THROUGH getting laid whereas people that are fugly will not pass it on cause they can't get none).
These theories of genetics lead to the concept of Social Darwinism. Instead of genes, learned behaviors that help you get some will keep you around (i.e., shaving your beard, cause back in the ice age, if you didn't shave and your face got wet, you died an awful frozen death, thus no ability to have kids and teach them that beards are cool).
So what does this hafta do with the crapper? Men were hunters, women gatherers. When a man went out, he tried to hide in the bushes and be silent and sneak up on his victim. If he got caught droppin' a turd-bird by a sabretooth, he was eaten. A woman on the other hand was in a tribe or in a field picking fruit. If the sabretooth decided to attack the tribe, the safest place to be was between the tiger and EVERYONE ELSE in the village. Let's face it, tigers are hungry, but they're no fatties, so after a few ladies on the outskirts of teepee village, they would leave you alone. So my crackpot theory? Men take dumps on the side and women take dumps in the middle cause at the end of the day, it's just plain safer.
So next time you're in the restroom, just please, think of the tigers.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Leave it to the God damn French to have their national sign of independence as a military prison. I guess that's what happens when your country sucks. When I think of the 4th of July, I think of things that explode: fireworks, hot dogs (on the way out), and big boobs exploding out of tiny bikini tops. And that's why America is awesome. Now, when I think of a "Bastille", I think of a bunch of french guys dressed in those fucking black and white striped shirts with the red beret, all pulling a train on each other while nibbling on baguettes.
You know why the French hate us? They're jealous. We have better health care, and we don't smell. Foreigners smell. They're all jealous of us. Scented soaps and shampoo, bam, America. Dirt and toilet-looking-thingies that shoot streams of high-pressured water up your butthole cause you're too lazy to take a shower every day (Johnny McNugget). Yup, Europe. Especially those dirty-ass French.
I have an experiment for you. Go to Google. Type in "french military victories" in the search engine, and click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Now, the I'm feeling lucky button brings you to the first search item in a normal search. And what my friends do you get? "No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found. Your search - french military victories - did not match any documents." And it also asks you: Did you mean: french military defeats. Losers.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Oh Khloe Kardashian, where have you been my whole life?
Not only is Khloe a no-name flatso who is only famous because her father was a lawyer on the O.J. Simpson case and her sister was in a sex tape, but she somehow managed to get even hotter.
Khloe (man, I hate typing out that f'ing name) will be heading to jail for violating her probation after receiving a DUI this past March. In other words, she's going to jail for not picking up trash on the highway and for not attending an alcohol education program. How cool is she?!
Now my fantasies of lovely Khloe behind bars, sweaty, and enjoying being sodomized by the night stick of a stern, but caring, bull-dyke prison guard can finally come to fruition. Bless you, Khloe. The rest of you single guys can go find your own loud, obnoxious, soon-to-be ex-con fattie - this one's taken!
In Miss Universe pageants you see women walk, smile, walk some more and smile even more. You see them walk in bikinis you see them walk in dresses. You see them walk together, you see them walk alone. You see them walk up stairs, you see them walk down stairs.
How they are judged, I have no idea. They all walk and smile and one eventually wins. In a "competition" which you are judged solely on walking and smiling there are only two things you can do to truly blow your chances of winning.
One, have no teeth. Two, fall down.
Miss USA obviously didn't work very hard at the second part. Sure she smiled... She smiled the shit out of the competition. However, it was that whole walking thing that got her. Damn it... Why didn't she train on her walking. We all know that Americans always have trouble in the walking sections of the "competition". I mean look at last years competition.
Two years in a row our American representative fell down. Really America? Seriously USA? I don't care if next years rep doesn't have teeth, just make sure she doesn't fall again. This shit is getting embarrassing.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Quick recap of last nights show:
Ali starts to make a record (basically just a song) with an artist named Jeremy Greene. Uhm...I have no idea who this guy is, he has no wikipedia page, so to me he's not real.
Dina starts to complain that she never has any time to herself because shes soooo busy managing the careers of Lindsay and Ali. (Let me remind you that Lindsay is in LA and hasn't seen her mother in months, and Ali doesn't have a career.)
Later in the episode, Ali has an epiphany that the song is just "not her", so she quits...during studio time. Then she starts crying and complaining that Jeremy is being mean, because I mean all the guy did was pay for the studio and fly out to do a song with her.
The best part of the episode was while Ali was working in the studio Dina began to whore herself out. She went to a gym (I didn't know that you can join a gym for just a day), got her nails done, and hung out with Hugh and the Girls Next Door. The whole time this montage is going on Dina just keeps bragging about how Ali is recording a new hit song and it's going be on the radio soon blah blah blah. Well...maybe next time Ali.
Living Lohan By the Numbers:
Number of Times a Lohan Complained: 11
Number of Times I Switched Between Shows: 25
Number of Brain Cells Lost: 3,000 (equal to getting hit in the head with a baseball traveling roughly between 96-102 mph)
Verdict: Never....I repeat...Never try to order breakfast at a fast food place 5 minutes before they switch over to lunch. It's not fun, and you will be left unsatisfied. Oh yeah...watch The Two Coreys instead of this garbage.
Friday, July 11, 2008
I didn't create this game and I have no idea who did but it is great.
Bang Bang Game
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Interview Source : HERE
Last night, the Crypt Keeper made a guest appearance on the Australian talk show Kyle and Jackie O. In an attempt to captivate the audience, he did a full split in strippers heels. This whole time, I thought he was a friggin' puppet and then he goes and does this to prove me wrong.
Wait...THAT's Pam Anderson? Wow. It makes me sad that I wasted so much sperm on her from '95 - '98. I think we can all agree on one thing - the years (and hep C) have not been kind to Pam.
In a related story, the floor was soon-after treated with Penicillin.
Jamie Lynn Spears 17, gave birth to daughter Maddie Briann on June 19. This went basically unreported on PesUP because… well we don’t really give a shit. Now if she took her shirt off on June 19th you might have heard some fuss.
The reason I bring it up now is because of an interview I read in which Jamie says this about her new life as an unmarried teenage mother:
"I love taking care of her. It is so much fun. I just want to hug her and kiss her, and I'm happy all the time,"
Great Jamie, we’re glad the baby is healthy and everything is going well for you. One question though, did you have to make having a baby sound so gosh darn great? Now with an insecure, stressed out, emotional mess (that every teenager becomes at some point in their life) we will have to worry about two things instead of one. We used to think, “Wow, they are really depressed I hope they don’t kill themselves.” Now we are going to have to say, “Wow, I really hope they don’t get pregnant.”
Trust me people we are better off with the suicides. Just because your life sucks doesn’t mean that you should drag a poor baby into this shit. Your life sucks not his/hers.
When people say stupid things other people listen, causing IQ’s to drop like value of the dollar (economy joke). The thing about stupidity is it is more infectious then pink eye. The more dumb shit that is spread, the more likely we are to watching Ben Affleck movies or walking around with Bluetooth headset on when we aren’t on a phone call.
Please, Jamie Shut Up.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
This watermelon is so good it's giving me a boner. No, it really is giving me a boner.
"What the researchers touted is the presence of a precursor called citrulline of arginine, a common natural amino acid, in watermelon. Arginine has a range of physiologic functions in the body and some help maintain sexual and promote sexual performance."
Now my favorite summer treat will also remind me of the lack of women in my life. Damn it, I already have my mom for that.
"I know I am not getting any younger mom. I just haven't found the right girl yet. God!"
Look for the next poll where you will get to vote on who should eat an entire watermelon and write their experience.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
5. Shadiest Past
Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones is notorious for her raunchy lyrics, hardcore attitude and her provocative dress style. Kim has taken the number 5 slot on this list for her past as a teenage runaway and alleged former prostitute. In other words, she is a hoe. Fo' sho! Plus, rumor has it that you can get herpes just by listening to her lyrics.
It may seem difficult to snatch the dirtiest song out of the air (haha, snatch...), but I had no trouble doing it. There were some close runner-ups like Akinyele's 1996 smash hit Put it in Your Mouth and Lil' Kim's How Many Licks, but Khia's 2002 top 100 song, My Neck, My Back coasted in to take the top spot. There's nothing classier than a hook like "My neck, my back / Lick my pussy / And my crack". A club banger promoting analingus. Folks, we have ourselves winner!
3. By Volume
In his 2001 tell all, Kiss and Make-up, Kiss front man, Gene Simmons, claimed to have had sex with 4,600 women. Now extrapolate that by another 7 years and you end up with something like 36,000. I dunno, I'm not a math guy. Out of the 4,600 women he slept with, one in particular stands out. His live-in girlfriend, Shannon Tweed, was the 80's / early 90's biggest soft core porn icon, and is still doable in her 50's. Shannon, if you're reading - call me!
2. Confirmed Kills
What Gene Simmons has in speculation, Jennifer Lopez has in confirmed kills. I can only name one woman that Gene Simmons banged, but J Lo has been stuck by: Chris Paciello ('94), Wesley Snipes ('94 - '95), David Cruz ('95 - '96), Ojani Noa ('96 - '98), Joaquin Cortez ('98), P Diddy ('98 - '01), Chris Judd ('01 - '03), Ben Affleck ('02 - '04), Paul Hunter ('02), and Marc Antony ('04 - present). That's ten. This list is as of '94, when she was Jenny, a 25 year old girl from the block. Lord knows she had to have made her way around it a few times before '94.
1. The Biggest Overall Hoe
How do you top a former prostitute and a man that claims to have been with almost 5,000 women? Simon and Garfunkel's Cecilia found a way. "I got up to wash my face / When I've come back to bed some one's taken my place". Wow...it takes what? 2 minutes to wash your face and there's already another dude at it. What do you do at that point? I suggest making yourself a lobster dinner. And dunking your junk into the boiling water along with the lobster to disinfect whatever disease you most likely just ended up getting. Disclaimer: if you're dumb enough to stick your package in boiling water, you deserve what you get. You also probably shouldn't eat the lobster at that point...
What has a full coat of fur? Runs around on all fours? Eats kibbles and bits? When it gets excited it wags its tail? And barks?
The Answer: A dog!! If you got that right congratulations. If you got that wrong... stop reading this blog (Rosie O'donald is also acceptable).
OK, let’s try this again.
What works in
The Answer: A scientologist right? WRONG. The answer is Will Smith. Now your asking isn't that one in the same?
That’s right ladies and gentlemen it appears that Will Smith is a full time Scientologist now even though he still denies his connection to the church. I really think this whole Scientology thing is getting out of control.
People will say, “Leave them only, they aren’t hurting anyone.”
Oh yeah? Do you know how influential
Please don’t think of me as some kind of closed minded fool. Sure I am speaking out against a group of people solely based on their beliefs. I don’t mind what they believe in, I just hate when people try to share their beliefs with me and other young people. You know what other group I hate solely based on their beliefs. The Nazi’s. Do you still think I am a bigot?
Loki takes an Ambien and watches the show in an Ambien induced coma.
Ali (correctly) accuses record producer Jeremy Greene of insinuating to the tabloids that he and Lindsay had some sort of relationship going.
Dina mediates between Jeremy and Ali. All is well.
Dina celebrates making it into Boulevard magazine, a Long Island publication.
While at the Boulevard party, the Lohan household has an electrical fire. There is no damage an no one gets hurt.
Loki dreams that he goes to his high school bus stop wearing his left loafer on his right foot and his right athletic shoe on his left foot. Kids point and laugh. Loki dies a little inside.
Number of times Lindsay was mentioned by 10:32: 7
Number of times Lindsay was mentioned by 11:00: 17
Number of Aqua Globes I bought from an infomercial during the show due to my Ambien coma: 4
Percentage of Ali's face her gi-normous eyeballs take up: 23%
Given the choice between an Ambien induced coma and Living Lohan, I'd actually rather Live Lohan. Enjoy it while it lasts Lohans...your victory is fleeting!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Are you sad about this? I sure as hell am not. I actually think this is one of the funniest story’s out there. First of all Arod is now dating Madonna, I know I said the same thing.
“She’s still alive?”
I just find it so hard to be sad for someone who has signed two contracts each for over a quarter of a billion dollars. Using simple math would indicate that he has/will be paid over half a billion dollars for playing baseball, never mind all of his other sponsorships and appearances.
Sorry Arod, no love from PESUP. Good luck with Madonna. I heard you are getting a new sponsor… The Gap. Oh man, that’s cold.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I just woke up from my nap. I hope everyone out there is having a GR8 day, I know I am because I'm currently munchin on a double burger with queso dip instead of cheese (I highly recommend you try this). Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I have a long day of drinking, eating, and XBOX 360 ahead (wait...head?) of me so I must go.
By the way, I'm currently starting another petition to revoke Hulk Hogan's entrance music of "Real American" and replace it with "Gold Digger"...thoughts?
Thursday, July 3, 2008
During last night's finale of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 2, Tila rejected a guy who professed his undying love for her for an unsure bisexual chick. In an ironic twist of fate, the chick rejected Tila deciding that she prefers sausage parties to clam bakes. Tila walked away alone and humiliated.
In response to season 2's shocking conclusion, MTV has announced that it will begin filming a third, darker season this coming fall. To emphasize that the show will take on a darker tone, they have renamed the show A Shot at AIDS with Tila Tequila, in which MTV will inject Tila with AIDS and she will have sex with each contestant without their prior knowledge of her infection.
The winner of the show is the last person standing, who will win a shot at love with Tila Tequila. Providing that she has not yet died of AIDS.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I try to find Murdoch. He is preoccupied with the Spyrograph he bought on eBay last week. He has actually spent 36 hours straight dripping paint into it and it doesn't look like he plans on stopping any time soon. He mumbles something incoherent. I sounds kinda like "Get me water, I'm dehydrated and might actually die soon." Haha, crazy Murdoch. Let's see what Book is doing.
Book is wearing L.A. Lights and is hula hooping on the Wii Fit in his underpants. He asked me to videotape it so he could put it on Youtube. I did what any good Samaritan would do and videotaped my friend thrusting his pelvis around while he's in his knickers, so he can post it on the internet for the world to see.
As for me? I've taken the Metamucil challenge. I'll spare you the details but until I can convince the guys to get wireless internet (and to buy me a laptop so I can use the wireless internet), I'll be indisposed for the next few days. I've never felt so empty inside. Stay tuned over the next few weeks as we resume parodying celebrities, bringing you the best in today's dumbass news and offering our opinions when nobody is asking for them. Plus, more Living Lohan, Ugos-of-the-Week and a strange assortment of eclectic musical tastes. Night Ranger would be proud.
I was browsing through Billboard's Hot 100 and almost shit a brick when I saw that Ray J, the guy barely known as the co-star in the Kim Kardashian sex tape and even less known as Brandy's brother, has the #16 song in the country right now. Why do you do insist on doing this to me, America? But the better question was why was I reading Billboard's Hot 100? I don't know. I do a lot of things I can't explain. Like that time I paid for sex with Bridget the Midget. I shouldn't have paid for sex with half a person. She should have paid me for sex with a full-sized person. I guess some people buy SUVs; other buy compacts. I rented a Smart car.