Thursday, June 26, 2008

Feldman/Haim 2008

You will never believe this story. I don't know how it's not mainstream news. The famous Corey's from the 80's have a reality show together on A&E. Apparently it's on its second season. (I will call this Amazing Fact #1).



Amazing Fact #2

Both Coreys confront each other on the show. They are mad at each other for sitting idly by while they were getting molested by separate men when they were both 14 years old. HOW ARE WE NOT WATCHING THIS???

Haim berates Feldman for standing by while an unnamed man interfered with him. In the fiery episode, he says, "You let me get f**cked around in my life. Raped, so to speak, when I was 14 and a half, by a guy you still hang out with. "What did you think when you saw that s**t going on with me?" Feldman replies, "I was being molested at the same time by someone else. What did you do?"


Amazing Fact #3

And there were further reports that Feldman actually had to come out to the public and refute that the man raping him was Michael Jackson. Feldman actually reports that he and Michael have their own problems, but that "Beat It" didn't, well, you know... (For some reason this reminds me of the Diff'rent Strokes episode with the child molester linked here).



Amazing Fact #4

Feldman's wife, pictured above, is posing for Playboy for free. Apparently Hef was at Corey's wedding and is close friends with the 80's actor (Why are all 80's has-beens great friends with Playboy? Is that why they're all has-beens? Have they lost all of their man-mojo by spilling it out in the famous grotto?). So naturally Hef being invited to the wedding gave him the right to go up to the bride and say "hey can I sell pictures of your tits in a nationwide magazine?" I mean, what kinda gift did he give them so that she'd do it for free? Cause I'm going to a wedding later this summer, and while I'm not interested in the bride, I'm sure there's someone there I'd like to entice into naked pics for my own uses.

Amazing Fact #5

Has-been 80's child star that got raped by a man (not "Thriller" I swear) and let his wife pose naked for all of America to see for free while getting his own crappy reality show- got that hot piece up above...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Troyer Voyeur

Guess who's packin' 13 inches of meat and isn't gonna take it easy on you?

Dirk Diggler?

WARNING: Clicking on the picture below will bring you to TMZ.com. Sorry. Plus, gross material.



That's right. Those 13 inches comin' out of Dirk right there. Verne "Mini-me" Troyer. Has a sex tape. With that guy, even a virgin must be like a hot-dog down a hallway. I mean, I refuse to watch it based upon the principal that it's a MALE celebrity sex-tape, but I'm curious. Does the whole thing go in? And by whole thing, I mean his whole body. Cause I've seen some stuff on the internet, and he doesn't look much bigger than my two fists next to each other, or the wide-end of a champagne bottle.

I know most women are total whores that would sleep with any movie star, no matter how small, just because he's rich and famous and the girl needs that attention cause her dad did things to her when she was little, or wasn't there enough. But PUH-LEAZE. I bet he could use one of those little grippy things you get in the office supply closet so that you can flip pages and not cut your finger as a Magnum. And that's only if he's proportionally huge. I mean, the dude can't even walk normally cause it's like walking a mile every time he's gotta go to the fridge in the kitchen. Plus, his knees basically touch his ankles and hips. Well, at least we know he's bendy. I just hope he gets her pregnant so that there is this abomination porno as a documentary to the conception of this child. Yuck.

**UPDATE**

I've seen the picture of Mini-me making out with a girl that looks surprisingly like first Ug-O of the week recipient Amy Winehouse. But if you look in the background, you can clearly make out a copy of "Power Actor" sitting on the floor in what looks like a pile of clothes. Is Mini-me reading acting books to brush up for his home porno? I mean, we've all seen him act. He's Oscar-worthy already. He doesn't need that.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Remember when we were cool?

Hey guys,

It's Book again. Remember when our readers used to be cool with us? And we would post and they would all comment on articles and vote? What happened to us? I mean, it seems like just yesterday we were telling stories of memories passed and there was love between us all. I don't care if you don't know me. I don't care if you only know Murdoch or Loki. And everyone knows McNugget didn't tell his friends. But he's lovable too. Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can WE be friends? (Sorry, I got caught in a song sequence by that trickster Randy Newman.) Is it because I totally farted? Cause everybody does it. God. I'm sorry. I can't apologize enough...

I'm sorry for yelling. But I'm feeling nostalgic. Even the news today is nostalgic. Let me tell you a story.

A long time ago (like last year or something) in a place far, far away (New York City), there was a wise-old owl. The owl got paid to live in the dark of morning and go to sleep after the rush-hour was over. The owl would keep hooting about sports and news and really wasn't that funny, but he was an old owl, so it was ok. No one really paid too much attention to what the owl said until one day when he observed a group of Scarlet Knights playing a magical game with a hoop and a ball. When the owl called them "nappy-headed ho's", everyone and their mother wanted to kill the owl. But the owl apologized to everyone like a billion times. He went to God. He was sorry. He couldn't apologize enough...



So the owl disappeared for a while into a cave. While the owl was hiding, a Titan was hanging out with some friends trying to see some female Titans without their armor. One of the friends got really mad and paralyzed another person. This stopped the Titan from being able to play in the arena on Sundays. The Titan had to make himself over into a Cowboy in order to go back to the arena. After a long hard year of doing pretty much nothing, the Titan's transformation was almost complete. That's when the owl hooted again, calling into question the color of the new Cowboy's armor. But the owl said he was just trying to ask why Scarlet Knights and Black Titans were treated more unfairly than others.

I just think they're all stupid.

THE END

Monday, June 23, 2008

Debate for the Ages


I have to post this, sorry everyone. Unless you have been living in the red storm that is the eye of Jupiter you know that there is an incredibly important debate raging in Hollywood as well as around the internet. Of course I am talking about whether or not Suri Cruise should still be drinking out of a bottle at the age of 2:

“A debate rages on about whether or not she should still be drinking from a bottle”
Story:
http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/suri-cruise-and-the-battle-over-the-bottle/27?nc


There is a poll at the end of this post asking: Do you think Suri should be off the bottle? In which 115,374 people have voted. That’s right, over one hundred thousand people not only read this article with full knowledge of what it was about but then voted on the website.

The highest amount of votes we ever got was like 80 on this website. Hold on, I am going to find a rope strong enough to hold about 160 pounds.

Holy Diabetes Batman.


I can feel my heart struggling to beat hard enough to get blood all the way through my body by just looking at this thing. As if bacon isn’t awesome enough, it looks like they stuck fries to it. Then in a moment of pure brilliance the mastermind behind this heart disease causing masterpiece put it on a stick. Wow, just wow.
Personally I can’t believe I beat Johnny McNugget to this story but it seems that Australia has now over taken the USA in the most over weight nation in the world (not that the bacon and fries on a stick has anything to do with the story itself but come on that thing looks phenomenal).

Throw another shrimp on the Barbie, or don’t… I think Australians are a bunch of inbred criminals. What have they ever done for us? Good for nothing Kangaroos, hopping around with the crocks. What the shit is a didgeridoo. Foster's, Australian for piss in a can!
I have never been to Australia but I safely assume it is all hot and swampy and everyone wears the animal’s they kill skin. They definitely don’t have electricity or tooth brushes. Hey, if I am wrong feel free to comment, but I really won’t believe you. Once I create an image in my head it sticks there forever.

I ate at the Outback one time, I got the blooming onion. If you want to see how many calories you should eat in a month, just take a look at that things health facts. No wonder they took us over, those fatty fats. Houston, Milwaukee and Chicago your allowed to eat again. What you never stopped? Yeah, I knew you would never stop.

By the way, how do you think this thing would taste dipped in melted chocolate?

The WNBA Still Sucks

Ladies and gentlemen prepare to be amazed....




Yes that's correct, you have just witnessed the second dunk ever in WNBA history. Truly, truly amazing footage right there. I don't know who's more excited, me (because I'm currently at a full 3 and 1/2 inches...I mean uhh...that was a joke,my penis is HUGE, like scary huge, it actually played the role of the snake in the movie Anaconda) or the woman announcer who screams "YES SHE'S DONE IT!". Also, (this is directed towards the man at the end of the video) how the hell can you compare that dunk to Air Jordan!? That would be like me going to a little league park and jacking a home run, and then comparing myself to Babe Ruth. I mean we all know the only similarity between me and the Bambino is that we both nailed hot dogs before our games.

This is why women sports blow more than a hooker in Atlantic City. The WNBA was founded in 1996 and the first game was played in 1997. That means in 11 years....there have been two dunks......I'll emphasize that again, 2 dunks. Please, in the NBA there's a dunk every 11 seconds.

I sat down with the commissioner of the WNBA this morning and asked how does your league compensate for the lack of exciting dunks? The response..."with our long range jump shots, and our avid use of bounce passes". So basically intead of watching the WNBA, I could just watch an all white male junior varsity high school basketball game, which by the way is free to go to.

George Carlin, Man Amongst Other Men

I know I swore to myself to never post again after R. Kelly was freed. I'm also aware we've already posted about George Carlin's untimely demise. But when a man like Carlin, who basically embodies the thoughts of this site (nothing is too serious, so stop acting that way) just up and dies on you, things change.

The torch will need to be passed to someone who can stand up to all the stupid social conventions and just yell at them (maybe Lewis Black?). We need the anti-Dane Cook. Someone who does good comedy that is both relevant and not TOO preachy. Someone who challenges the way you think while making you piss your pants.

I for one am personally affected by this tragedy. I had always secretly hoped I would do a sitcom with George Carlin and Steve Guttenberg, starring as three bachelors from all levels of life, always on the hunt for young women. Each week, we'd have the newest starlet to turn 18 and we'd all try to get with her while hijinks's ensued. Also, with Carlin's mouth and the things Guttenberg does to young starlets, it would have to be on HBO or Showtime. Oh, why did God have to take my dreams from me at the young age of 26??? Rest in Peace George. The young starlets and Guttenberg will meet you in heaven soon...

George Carlin is Dead


George Carlin was admitted to St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica on Sunday June 22 after complaining of chest pain, and was dead by evening.

Carlin, 71, was a comedian best known for his irreverent sense of humor (i.e. "Rape can be Funny" and "Seven Dirty Words"). He also hosted the first ever episode of Saturday Night Live and has released 23 comedy albums, 14 HBO specials and a slew of cult classic movies, such as the Bill & Ted movies, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Pixar's Cars.

Carlin's themes have been known for causing considerable controversy in the general media. His most usual topic was (in his words) humanity's "bullshit", which might include murder, genocide, war, rape, corruption, religion and other aspects of human civilization.

Carlin was great more so for the outrageous things he would come out and say rather than the content itself. Don't get me wrong, he had a lot of great bits, but his greatest contribution to society was his "Are you really going to take life this seriously" attitude and his challenging of traditional views and the contingents in American society that try to ban anything that would hurt even a single person's feelings (i.e. JV and Elvis getting fired in New York for impersonating a Chinese accent, Howard Stern being fined by the FCC per on air fart, an attempt at banning profanity and unfortunately the list goes ON and ON).

He is survived by wife Sally Wade and daughter Kelly Carlin McCall. Rest in peace, George.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Living Lohan, Episode 5


We at PesUP waste half an hour of our lives watching Living Lohan, so you only have to waste 1 minute of yours reading the dumb shit we have to say about this train wreck of a TV show:

Bird's eye recap:

- Older brother, Michael, gets in fight with his girlfriend
- Ali and younger brother, Cody, meddle in relationship, invite Michael's gf over and cook them dinner
- Michael and gf kiss and make up
- Ali, Dina and Cody get ready for Ali's trip to Las Vegas to record an album
- Dina tries to convice Nanna to come to Vegas, but Nanna refuses

Living Lohan by the numbers:

Times during the show I thought about a mother/daughter threesome: 6
Years in jail that would get me: 20
Number of red dots I would become on the sex offender map: 1

Verdict: I'd rather trim my pubes with a zippo than have to sit through any more episodes of this show.

Amy Winehouse is Fucked


The fact that Amy Winehouse is fucked is only news to you if you've spent the last 2 years living Burt Reynolds in Deliverance stylie. What you may not know is that Winehouse, 24, has been diagnosed with emphysema, an irreversible, degenerative disease that is usually found in elderly people with long histories of smoking.

Winehouse's father was quoted as saying:
"With smoking crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up ... She's got 70 percent lung capacity."

Other noteworthy emphysema sufferers include: Dean Martin (78), Ike Turner (76) and Johnny Carson (79). Winehouse's lungs have managed to catch up to to chronic smokers that are more than 50 years her elders. If you ever need a poster child to teach your kids about the dangers of drugs, look no further than this human cesspool. A few short years ago, she looked like this:

The before picture's not bad, eh? Her "after" pictures look like a cross-dressing, flesh eating escapee from Leper Island

Friday, June 20, 2008

Airlines Getting You Down? Punch Someone In the Face.


Christina “I don’t even look that trashy” Szele, 35, of New York (shocker) is accused of punching a flight attendant in the face mid flight. She had been drinking on the plane and decided she wanted to smoke a stogy. After lighting the cigarette a flight attendant forced her to extinguish it prompting a much deserved punch in the face. I mean shit she was trying to have a butt, can you let her live!!! DAMN!

Who do these flight attendants think they are? I got stuck on a run way one time for 2 hours, so I got up to take a piss, and a woman tried to stop me. As if me, walking in a plane that isn’t moving could kill me and everyone else on the plane. I mean they served me half a Coca Cola with big round ice cubes with the holes in the middle. Of course I am going to have to use the rest room. That is like 6 ounces of fluid that went right to my blatter.

You should have seen me, I was all like “whatever” and then she was like “Sir, you shouldn’t be up walking around when the plane isn’t at the terminal. I am going to need you to go back to your seat.” And I was all like “whatever.” Then I kicked her in the shins and 3 years later I am finally done with this stupid ankle bracelet.

California OKs Gay Marriage


On June 18, 2008, California became the second state to legalize gay marriage. I'm cool with this. Gay people tend to be clean, have ultra-low crime rates, operate some fine restaurants, and dress me pretty well.

In fact, I actually once had a moment with a gay guy. I was at work and walked into the men's bathroom, where a gay gentleman was doing his business at a urinal. I walked into a stall. And started taking a wicked dump. And while I was mid-dump, I thought to myself, "Man, I bet I'm really turning him on right now."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Why You Should Hit Your Kids: Reason Number 57


As if I needed more reasons to discipline my kids at a young age to keep them from making terrible decisions growing up. Teach them so they could avoid social situations that are dangerous and not submit to peer-pressure.

Now you are asking yourself:

"Murdoch, what possibly could have happened to make you go on such a rant?"

Well hold on to your fucking asses, this shit is about to spin out of control.

GLOUCESTER MASS. - Teen pregnancies have tripled this year from 4 last year (which is extremely high in my opinion) to 17 in one month! 7 fucking teen!!! That’s crazy, what are people not teaching them safe sex? Is Gloucester full of sluts? Is there a crazy rapist with extremely potent sperm? Do people in Mass fill their water balloons with semen and not water?

NOOOOO, you wanna know what happened. A large group of 15 year old girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together...A large group of 15 year old girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together...A large group of 15 year old girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together...A large group of 15 year old girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together...

17 of them got knocked up, in one month. They made pact to suffer for the rest of their lives as all dreams of college and a normal life end. They made pact to most likely get 17 guys arrested for statutory rape.

A pact that I make to you, the reader. If you don't hit your kids, you can be the lucky grandmother/father at the age of 45.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

European Men are True Gentlemen


It's true what they say. European men do know how to treat the ladies. Reuters reports that an Italian man has been arrested for kidnapping his ex-girlfriend.

But unlike an American, who would probably kidnap an ex in the privacy of her own home, this Italian Rico Suave dragged her out of a pub she was drinking at, forced her into a car, and then demanded that she iron his clothes and wash his dishes.

That move was taken right from the old black and white movies they rerun at 2 o'clock in the morning on completely obscure channels. Siiiiiigh. So those European boys are so romantic and dreamy...

Put Down the Fork, Tubby!

Source: TMZ

What do Hilary Duff and Homer Simpson have in common?

They're both fatasses. If you thought I was going to take the Duff route, you are sorely mistaken. When did that smokin' little hottie from the Ice Breakers commercials go on an all bacon diet? She's like, quintupled her weight in a matter of months.

Hilary, I'm begging you...put down the fork. The Elliptical is your friend!

That picture depressed me. I need a drink.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Randolph Gets Sacked


No, not Rudolph, he is still leading Santa's sleigh with his nose so bright.

The New York Mets finally cut ties with now EX-manager Willie Randolph. The Mets fired Randolph last night after the Mets defeated the Angels 9-6 in LA. The firing which came at 12:30AM Pacific time (3:30AM) was not incredibly surprising news as the Mets have slumped during the first half of the season. Many fans thought the firing was long coming after the Mets suffered the worst break down in baseball history when they coughed up a 7 ½ game lead with 17 games to go causing them to miss the playoffs last season.

Some disagreed with the fact that the Mets chose to fire Randolph in the middle of the night however I view it as a sign of respect. In a world where sports media produces billions of dollars a year everyone wants to be the first to break a story or get an interview. If this firing happened in the day time Randolph would be sought after for interviews and comments. Giving Willie time to reflect during the 6 to 8 hour period where America slept hopefully helped. How would you feel if you got canned and then immediately had to go in front of millions of people and talk about the fact that you no longer have a job? Shit if I ever got sacked by PesUP I would top shelf every toilet in the office.

Maybe Willie didn’t sit up all night and think about what he would say. Maybe he got his first real nights sleep in weeks. After the Sword of Damocles finally fell maybe he was finally able to relax. Sometimes knowing your future, no matter how grim is easier then wondering about it. Back in the day of public executions “mercy” was going straight to the ax. Sitting and waiting for the ax is when the torture happened.

I just pray we don’t have to sit through the race issue or the NAACP claiming if he was a white manager he would have been given more time or some crap like that. Please Jesse let this one be!

Emma Watson Not Messing Up.


Emma Watson just inked a deal for Chanel set to pay her 6 million over the next two years. Emma Watson is best known for her roll as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter Series and for being my one true love.

Sorry Hayden, but it’s true, all these months we have been shacking up together I have really been thinking of Emma. Yup, why do you think I make you wear a witch’s hat and carry around a magic wand? No, don’t say that, you will be OK. Someone will love you the way you deserved to be loved.

It appears that Emma is not going to follow the trend of young successful actresses. Good for you Emma, but it certainly sucks for the rest of us.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Living Lohan: Take II



Well, its official…a second member of the PesuP team has made it through an episode of Living Lohan.

Ali complains that she is the only one in the house that works. (which as sad as it sounds is true)

Ali complains she wants a new dog. (there’s already 5 dogs in the house, 2 of which are Lindsay’s)

Mother Lohan says no to the new dog, Ali gets it anyway, Mother agrees to a 24 hour trial period with the dog, Ali gets to keep the dog. (the best part of the montage was getting to watch that spoiled brat pick up dog shit and put it in a plastic bag)

I have to say though; the coolest person on this terrible excuse for a show is the Grandmother. The whole time this dog nonsense is going on the grandma just sits in the kitchen and says “You said no, but your daughter got the dog. You have no power as a mother your children walk all over you”. Finally, someone tries to talk some sense into this family. However, since she’s like 90, five minutes after she said that she forgot where she was and started complaining about how when she was a kid ice cream only cost a nickel.

Living Lohan by los numeros:

Times I wished someone would napalm the Lohan House: 1,362.

Times Ali used a fake New York Accent (ie: dawg, cawfe): 25.

Verdict: Show blows.

Interesting note: during the first commercial break I farted and it smelt like apples.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Finally, some justice.



Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last!

Not since Dave Chappell's rendition of "R. Kelly's doo-doo butter" have I laughed so hard at something I saw on the Internet (besides this site of course!). R. Kelly my friends, is finally a free man. Apparently the jury didn't think a video-tape of the defendant and the under-age girl getting pissed-on was enough evidence to convict someone of peeing on and video-taping an underage girl.

We here at PESUP have been worrying that poor Robert Sylvester (sufferin' succotash) Kelly would be unjustly convicted, much like Orenthal James Simpson for his civil suit (later writing a book "if I did it" with an awfully striking description of what he would've done when he killed his wife and that waiter back in 1995).

Now R Kelly can FINALLY go back and finish chapters 23-3,000 of Trapped in the Closet for Murdoch to review. My bet is that the next chapter focuses in on what R Kelly's character would have done had he engaged in a threesome with a woman and an underage girl on videotape while pissing on her. Furthermore, I assume the two women would get "the package" (or AIDS) as well.

My guess is the jurors, sitting in their seats all day, were confused and thought they were all on Oprah Winfrey's show. After all, I heard when they reached down under their seats, they found keys to a new car, as well as envelops that read "open me if you think R Kelly is innocent" containing thousands of dollars. But that's just a guess.

In the war to come...




The way I see it, Hollywood is setting up for the final war, the end of days, the Stand, if you please. There are two sides and players, the battle for good and evil will throw down in the near future.

On one side, the scientologists, led by Tom Cruise. Tom has assembled a crackpot team of used-to-be's such as John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley, Isaac Hayes, Katie Holmes, and that chick from Dharma and Greg.

On the other side, none other than Mel freakin' Gibson. Now, Mel's side has some catching up to do, because he doesn't have any snazzy cults or Razzie winning films like Battlefield Earth to support his cause. Well, I guess he has Apocalypto, The Passion of the Christ, and Mad Max. So technically, on Mel's side is Jim Caviezel, Tina Turner, Danny Glover, and Joe Pesci. And now Mel is trying to persuade Britney Spears to join his fight against the Army of Dianetics. The two have been spotted together on many occasions, including Ms. Spears accompanying Mr. Gibson to his private island.

Why, you ask? Well, simple. It's a well known fact that Scientologists are against psychiatrists and medication. And what can do more damage to your cause than an un-medicated, not in therapy, Britney Spears. She could tear the whole thing down in one fell swoop. I mean, Britney injured her near-infant son during one of her crazy spells, so what's to stop her from going on a rampage and activating beast mode on tiny Tom Cruise?

I picture it like this. Jim Caviezel is all like "I'm Jesus, I'm Jesus" and takes down tiny Tom with a knee to the face (Tom is tiny after all). Then fat actress Kirstie Alley goes into a Dianetic trance, and pictures Tina Turner as a box of Jenny Craig chocolate cake. Tina, used to being beat on by Ike sees that her demise is near and screams out while rollin' down Kirstie Alley's gullet. Isaac Hayes threatens to make love to Glover's mama down by the fire, and Glover pops a cap in Hayes' face, all the time muttering "damnit Riggs". Lisa Marie Presley and that chick from Dharma and Greg get into an annoy-off with Pesci, and all three of them end up jumping off of a bridge to save their ears from the crap that is coming out of their mouths.

But just then, we find that it's all a trap set up by Travolta in a fat woman's suit (so he's in Hairspray as the fat wife of Chris Walken, he's not gay) and Mel is captured. Jim Caviezel sacrafices himself and Danny Glover makes love, not war, with fatty Alley, runnin off into the sunset while laughin to himself "yeah, yeah, haha, yeah, she's got junk in the trunk, yeah". Tom Cruise, Travolta, and Queen Katie Holmes now have Gibson right where they want him. They chain him to a cross and whip him as Gibson blames the Jews for being trapped there. And as Gibson mutters his last words (probably in Latin), Britney Spears busts through the door. The Scientologists realize that Mel was dripping a trail of booze and pain-killers and now they meet their doom. Britney claws out Katie's eyes while ripping her clothes off and saying "y'all" a lot. Then she sits on Cruise and he explodes. Finally, Britney takes off her top as Travolta runs out of the room screaming "Oh no! I'm not up-to-date with my Cootie shots!". A fat, half-naked, blood-soaked Britney walks away, headed to her car to go buy a shake at Sonic, because she is the one person who actually knows where one is located. And the world ends.

See, this might sound like the rant of a madman to you. But 1) it's bound to happen with those freaks in Hollywood. And 2) at least it's a better movie plot than anything any of those guys have acted in the last 10 years.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Cougar Alert!

What has big boobs, fake blond hair, screws 19-year-olds and has two kids with Hulk Hogan?


Click picture for article.


My kid brother just turned 18. And as if AIDS and underage drinking and all the slutty girls the first week of college weren't enough. Now I hafta tell him to watch out for Linda Hogan. The last teenager she was seen with got into a car accident, went to jail, then complained he was away from the other male inmates.

And her other spawn won't stop blogging on her crappy website about how she wants her family back to normal. Plus, Brooke is 20. Linda's new boyfriend is only 19. That's right. Linda "48" Hogan is dating a 19-year-old. And no, 48 is not the size of her bust, it's her age. Or probably even how many inches her bust sags.

PESUP has official correspondence from someone that observed the date. We're told it went something like this:

Linda: "Hey, if you finish your homework soon, I'll let you eat ice cream... off my ass."

19 Guy: "But Mrs. Hogan, I don't wanna do my homework! Or your ass!"

Linda: "I told you, call me Lovely Linda. Mrs. Hogan is my mom's name."

19 Guy: "Wouldn't Mrs. Hogan be Hulk's mom's name and not yours? Anyways, it IS Brooke Hogan's mom's name, and last I checked..."

Linda: "My son is in jail and I'm compensating by sleeping with someone his age. This brings a new edge to those jailhouse tapes about Graziano's mom not loving her son as much as I do. Anyways, you wanna have some hot monkey-love?"

19 Guy: "Sure thing Mrs. H! I'm 19 and naive, so there's no way it'll be like making love to a Ty Cobb-era baseball mitt, all wrinkly, leathery and dry!"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Wii Think You're Fat


The parents of an 11 year old Lincolnshire, UK girl are enraged after the Nintendo Wii Fit called their little porkpie of a daughter overweight. The girl's mother was quoted by the BBC News as saying, "She doesn't need to lose weight...she's got a lot of growing left to do."

I've just about had it with this overly sensitive, hyper-litigious world (no, this is not the beginning of a suicide note; sorry to disappoint). When are parents going to learn to take responsibility for their kids? If you see that your child is not getting enough exercise, it's on you, the parent, to buy them a hamster wheel that they can run on. If they continue to get fatter, it's up to the parents to replace the juice in the bottle that hangs in their cage with water and to buy a house with a larger, fenced in yard.

And please, when your kid shits in my yard, have the common friggin' courtesy to pick up after them. I'm sick of stepping in your kids' shit.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Ode to the Robot I Wish I Had



I wish I had a robot every single day
I would spend so much time with him,
His name would be Jose`.

He would have an air conditioner as an ass
So on super hot summer days,
I would sit in all the glory of his gas.

He would be made of metal and very shiny,
When girls came over to my apartment,
He would take pictures of their hinies.

He would be so big, strong and smart,
And when I had a bad day,
He would make me a smore’s poptart.

He would do all the annoying things that I don’t want to:
Working, talking to my girlfriend, voting,
Writing in cursive and helping my kids with school.

And when I get old and start to die,
My Robot friend would start to build,
A monument of me big enough, to block out the sky.

What? Robots are fucking awesome! I didn't feel like writing a post today so I decided to do this... She's just being Miley

1 in 4 Have Serious Problems


(click Mr. Washington for full article)

A new study has confirmed my long time suspicions that NYC residents are dirty…and horny. The study, conducted by a city health department confirms that 1 in 4 adults in NYC have genital herpes. Imagine being the health official conducting this study…your average day would consist of checking random people’s genitals for sores…your parents must be so proud. I know your thinking that 1 in 4 sounds like a lot, but take into consideration these other 1 in 4 facts:

1 in 4 experience heartburn at least once a month
1 in 4 people read no books last year
1 in 4 believe 9/11 was an inside (hand) job
1 in 4 claim to have seen ghosts
1 in 4 believe that raped women are partly to blame

Now, I am not a mathematician like Plato or Aristotle but I do remember how to add fractions (and how much fractions suck). By my calculations that means that 1 in 4,096 people are tums chewing, ignorant, 9/11 conspiring, Satan worshiping, rapists…who have herpes. Now that’s what I call a study!

I'm burnin I'm burnin I'm burnin for you...

Click on picture for link.
(picture source here)


In light of the recent heat wave to hit the Northeast (which is hotter than balls right now), I bring you a cold story. So cold in fact, it comes from the Antarctic winter. Known for being the coldest continent and the only continent Bon Jovi has not performed on (thank you Rockband), Antarctica's winter is in our summer due to their location in the Southern Hemisphere. So while we're REALLY warm up here, they're cold as hell.

Something I didn't know was the fact that people actually hang out on Antarctica for long periods of time. About 125 staff and scientists are there during the winter in just one of Antarctica's bases (McMurdo). From about June 9th until August 20th, the sun doesn't even rise on the continent. Total night. That would be a cool place for vampires, and maybe a great movie, called 72 Days of Night or something. Oh wait, Josh Hartnett and that lady that played the hooker from Dark City (Melissa George) already ruined something like that while I sat in the back of the theater drunk off red wine talking to two 14-year-olds on a date? I digress.

Now here comes the disturbing part. The last shipment before they had to close the airport down for winter included "nearly 16,500 condoms". Wow. 125 people in Antarctica using that many. Sign me up. Let's just say, those ladies might hafta change the tires after a winter like that. With all the ice down there and no tread left... And we're forgetting it's DAMN cold down there. Can the little guy even come out and play in those harsh conditions? And even if he can, do you think the swimmers can survive a polar-bear-plunge like that? It's gotta be at least as cold as a sperm bank down there.

And has anyone seen A Christmas Story? Remember what happens to mucus membranes when frozen? They stick. Badly. So I'd think twice before you let her stick her tongue to your pole...

Monday, June 9, 2008

Living Lohan S01E03 "Mean Girls"


The episode from 50,000 feet (any closer and you'd actually die of boredom):

Ali is unhappy because girls at school pick on her.

Dina takes Ali to an African American performing arts group, called IMPACT, which focuses on staying positive.

Ali is interviewed by Stacy London (of What Not to Wear fame) on Access Hollywood.

The episodes ends with Ali still being sad and Ali giving an average at best interview.

Living Lohan by the numbers:

Times Lindsay is mention by name (or a picture of her is shown): 37 times in 22 minutes.

Times this episode is shown in the 24 hours since from the debut (inclusive): 3

Minutes of my life I'll never get back: 30

Verdict: Don't waste your time. Your time would have been better spent farting in the coconut shaped cup that your buddy drinks fruity alcoholic beverages out of.

Hayden Panettiere is Hot

Can Hayden Panettiere be any hotter?


It turns out the answer is yes. As if it wasn't enough that she is young, hot, rich and newly legal, she went and upped the ante.

Hayden was quoted by Just Jared as saying:

“It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique!”

Jesus...I'll be back. I need to go change my pants.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Is that Spiderman?



Two men were arrested yesterday after climbing a 50 story sky scraper in New York City. People used to do this all the time in NYC. I remember there was this guy named the Human Fly and he used suction cups to climb buildings. The difference is these current wall humpers had an ulterior motive. While climbing the building one of the men released a banner that read:

“Global Warming kills more people then 9/11 every week.”

What the fuck is that shit about? Yeah man, you tell them, global warming killed my brother. It’s true, he was drinking a glass of ice water outside when the slightly hotter sun melted his cubes faster then he had anticipated them to melt. Then he took a huge gulp and choked on one of the cubes. Actually that didn’t kill him because the cube melted in his throat and went down fine; it was his drug problem. He overdosed in an ally after my parents disowned him…

Oh well, that is why I love New York City, this weekend is the Puerto Rican Day Parade… Time to get my rape on!!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Why Cubes Are Unhealthy



I hate working as much as the next guy. Imagine if you had to sit around and drink all day and write about stupid stories you found online. With the 3 o’clock dance offs, 4 o’clock finger painting and 11:37 wall ball games. I know it is as horrible as it sounds. Also Loki, Book, and McNugget fart a lot and honestly just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean it is cool.

Every once and awhile I feel like I am going to freak out and throw something. Then I remember, I am not a fucking lunatic. Apparently this guy didn’t remember that in time.

I don't really blame him though. Look how terrible that looks, he looks like he is in hell. No, not figuratively speaking, like in real hell. Like Satan is going to turn the corner and say "Hey guys, did you send that status report yet?"

Tiger Woods Hates Canada

During a news conference at some illustrious country club (you know the kind where you don’t get in unless you’re a millionaire, the dress code consists of plaid pants boat shoes and a pink sweater, and they force you to attend tea and crumpets at noon, even if you really don’t want to go, even if you think tea and crumpets is like the gayest thing ever, even if you would rather stick pins in your testicles than attend tea and crumpets, they force you to ruin your afternoon/morning by attending this crap…..sorry I had some rich grandparents who used to drag me to these things) Tiger Woods responded to a question about the Stanley Cup Finals by saying “I don't really care. It's all about the Dodgers. I don't think anyone really watches hockey anymore”.
OK, first of all, how can jump from the NHL to the Dodgers that quickly. How are they even related?! The only thing that jumps faster than that is me when I was a kid and someone just broke open the piƱata at a birthday party.
Second of all…sorry Mr. Woods (haha wood) but golf is not a sport. And the reasons why golf is not a sport:
1. Golf is not played in bad weather. (which basically puts golf on the same level as tanning)
2. There are no referees or umpires.
3. You have a person next to you whose sole purpose in life is to give you advice.
4. You can play by yourself. (I do something by myself at least 4 times a day and it isn't considered a sport...and I at least break a sweat when I do it)
5. Fat slobs (i.e. John Daly) can be good.

The Dutch are Funny


The Associated Press reports that three Dutch men were running through the streets of Utrecht, Netherlands with their asses exposed, when the idea to moon a group of restuarant customers dawned on them. One of the men decided to give the cafe patrons a pressed ham (when you smush your ass against the window) and went through it, suffering deep lacerations to his ass.

Now THAT is how you moon someone. The combination of physical comedy and exposed buttocks is enough to make ya shit a brick. Well, not that guy...he won't be shitting right for weeks.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Grand Theft Auto: Mexico

Click on picture for link.


Holy crap. See that picture? Just admire it. Cause it's real baby.

Ok, done? That's a live-action shot of a driver plowing into a bike race. Fifteen minutes into that race, Juan Campos hit a group of bikers (killing one) after he was reportedly drunk and fell asleep. The race took place in Mexico. After all, who gets drunk and falls asleep while driving DURING THE DAY? Look at the picture. Clear daylight. He doesn't often plow into bikers in a bike race, but when he does, he drinks Dos Equis.

Maybe he was playing alot of Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City. That's a cool game where you run people over. We'd be able to tell if he ran out of his car and stole one of the bikes and tried to run away from the cops before shooting them in the head, stealing their car, and then stealing a helicopter and jumping out to his death trying not to hit any buildings on the way down. But I heard he just said something about wanting to eat burritos as he got out of his car to clean off the bicycler blood. Then he took a nap.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Kelsey Grammer is Too Important to Die


Kelsey Grammer, the thespian (haha, I said thespian) best known for his role as Dr. Frasier Crane on the hit TV show, Frasier, was paddle boarding in Hawaii today, when he suffered a mild heart attack.

Grammer is reported to be resting in a hospital and is expected to be released later this week.

It's frightening to think that we could have lost Kelsey Grammer at 53. Most people do not know their purpose on this planet, but I can stand before you today and swear that I know the reason he was put on this planet. It was for his magical sperm.

You read that correctly. His magical sperm spawned this magnificent beauty:


Spencer Grammer is Kelsey's eldest daughter (one of three). Kelsey, we're not ready to lose you yet. Not until you give us an army of smoking hot, dimple chinned hotties.

Another Fat Chick Loses Weight

Click picture for link.


I'm gonna tell you a story.

Once upon a time, Kathy Stuart ate a bunch of McDonalds. Kathy liked the taste, but hated the waist. For ten years, she ate and ate and felt more and more ashamed of herself, but never got off of her lazy ass. Then one day she decided to exercise and not eat like crap, and eventually lost a ton of weight and started to look human again. Then, the Today show wrote an article about her cause she did something she was supposed to be doing all these years. And eventually, everyone got procrastination rewards.

Why is it that everytime someone loses weight in this country, they get a tv show or something? Who cares? You're supposed to take care of your body. Your reward should be living longer, not making the news. I'm bored of it. BORING! But she ain't lookin so bad afterwards. Look below.

But I have yet to make this post funny. So here's some multiple choice from the article.

1) Kathy finally realized she was unhappy with her weight when she:
A) could no longer see her feet.
B) leapt into the air and got stuck.
C) began searching for her ideal wedding gown.
D) was arrested for eating a small child.

2) Over the next few years, Kathy continued to gain more weight, an issue that slowly began to gnaw away at her:
A) belt buckle.
B) conscience.
C) big macs.
D) hems in her mumu.

3) Though she had always wanted to pursue teaching, she felt guilty about her appearance and worried whether students:
A) yelled "Godzilla!" behind her back.
B) judged her.
C) could see the chalk board behind her.
D) remembered that time she totally farted, the day after she was at a chili cook-off, and the mousy girl in the front row fainted.

Hint: For all three, she's a woman.



Answers:

C,B,B

She was a woman that didn't hate her weight til she couldn't get the right wedding gown, and her conscience made her worry that she would be judged. Men don't wear wedding dresses (Dennis Rodman) or have consciences or care about being judged.

Nirvana Rules



Some incredibly dark and shocking news has been reported. Courtney Love, is reporting that her dead husband, Nirvana’s lead singer and guitarist Kurt Cobain’s ashes have been stolen. Wow, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to steal a man’s ashes.

Nirvana is still to this day one of my favorite bands. Growing up I probably listened to them more then I listened to my mother. There was something about their style of music and their lyrics, more poetry then song that I don’t think has happened since. Not since the great John Lennon lead The Beatles has a band captured its audience and changed the face of the world.

So I must repeat myself… Why would anyone want to steal Kurt’s ashes? The man who single handedly saved music from the hair band crap of the 80’s. The man who spoke to the youth of a generation, the man who I used to listen to his music for hours at a time. The man who’s music I lost my virginity while listening too (wow I can’t believe I just put that on the internet). The man who tastes delicious mixed with some cinnamon and syrup on a waffle… Ehhh.

We gotta catch that crook, I bet he definitely doesn’t live in New Jersey and he definitely doesn’t write a blog. No way, No how!!!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

"Trapped in the Closet" PESU Review




Well I thought it would be a good idea to keep a running log of my thoughts while watching the video. I also thought it would be a good idea if, while watching the video, i keep a bottle of Jack Daniels next to me. I thought that “Trapped in the Closet” was 30 minutes long and how drunk could I really get??? Well I don’t know exactly how long it is but it is definitely over an hour and I can get really drunk in an hour.

Overall it was one of the funniest things I had ever watched in my life. The idea is basically everyone is cheating on everyone. Every time someone gets caught they are either hiding in a closet or in a pantry or some kind of room-separated storage area. Shit somebody better check the shed outside, who knows who is hiding out there. There are a ton of guns pulled and apparently a lack of fear for jail time. In the twenty two chapters (yes I sat through 22 chapters of this shit) I would say R Kelly pulled his gun on about 8 people.

I really don’t know how to break this down without taking up 15 pages so I figure I will just share with you one of my favorite lines and then some of my favorite scenes.

So in one scene R. Kelly’s brother in-law wants to smoke a joint in his car. Wow shocking stuff there, but here is the interaction:


Sylvester said "Hold up, man wut chu doin?"
And then Twan says "Man wut chu mean?"
Then Sylvester says "Man is that a cigarette?
Twan said "Man naw this sum weed"
Sylvester pulled over sayin "Aww hell naw, n*** what the f***, you forget where we are?"
Twan said "One for the road?"
Sylvester says "You crazier than a fish with tities
If you think I'm ma let you smoke that sh** up in my car.
Now throw that sh** out"


Yup… you must be crazier than a fish with tities… I thought that was so good that it won my favorite line. However that wasn’t the only line that I thought you should hear. The next best line was during my favorite scene, scene 10. Now I tried to write this a million ways but after I looked at the way wikipedia described it, in its matter a fact, just reporting the news kinda way, I figured that doing anything else to it wouldn’t do the scene justice.

Let me set it up for you and then I will let wikipedia do the rest. A man, James, gets home to find is fat southern white wife (Bridget) is cheating on him. James suspects that the man she has been cheating on him with is still in the house, so the first place he checks is of course the closet. However this time the jeeper is too smart to hide in the closet. Then James becomes infuriated and starts yelling when he hears a noise from the pantry under the sink… He opens the door and out jumps, yup you guessed it, A MIDGET! Wikipedia, take it away:
“The midget jumps out of the cabinet and fights with James who has the clear upper hand. The midget runs under the table. Bridget runs upstairs and searches her purse for a phone number. James demands the midget tell him what he was doing in James' house. The midget wipes cherry pie crust crumbs off his face and responds that he was paid not to tell. James points his gun directly at the midget who admits that he has just "shitted on himself". Back at Sylvester's house, he, Twan, and Gwen are enjoying themselves and playing cards, despite the fact that Twan was shot in the shoulder only minutes ago, when the phone rings. Gwen answers it. It's Bridget, panicked, who found Gwen's number in James' pocket. Gwen gives Sylvester the address, presumably to go over and stop the fight. Back at James' house, James and the midget are still fighting when Bridget bursts into the kitchen with a double barrelled shotgun, James draws his pistol, the midget pulls out his inhaler. Suddenly, Twan and Sylvester burst in with guns drawn to defuse the scene and notice a peculiar odor coming from the midget's pants. The midget then faints because of all the madness.”
Ending "cliffhanger-outro" line: "ohhh while Twan and Sylvester are sniffin' around, tryin' to figure out, 'What's that smell?' As they turn and look at each other like, 'What the hell?'..."


Yup, a midget. Not only is he a midget but for the first two scenes he is in they call him midget. Can someone tell me why the midget was wiping pie crust off of his face? I watched the fucking thing and I have not clue. Is pie crust some Ebonics word that I don’t know about.

Which leads me to the second best line of the Hip Hopera, the midget says ''god I think I just shit’d on myself''. Then R. Kelly and someone else walk in the room (guns drawn of course) and then they look around and go, “What’s that smell?” Unbelievable well drawn out. It is as if God handed down the Bible as his one true book and then decided to hand down his one true music video and gave it to R. Kelly.

I could have fun with this all day. The main point is that there are about 10 main characters and through out the opera they all have sex with two other people of the group. The whole time everyone is angry and yelling. They are fighting and threaten each other lives. Then out of the blue someone mentions that one of them has “the package.” When I first heard it I was unaware of what it meant. Then with the final episode I figured it out. The package is a slang word for HIV. Yup, it ends with everyone getting AIDS.

Every main character gets AIDS. THE END.

Cinematic Genius.

Well I hope I did a good job with this and basically hope I never have to watch this crap again but I am posting scene 10 because it is honestly hysterical. Def watch it.