Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Advice from the Sexperts part III

Last we met, Flopsweat was learning the art of seduction. In this final installment of Advice from the Sexperts, we teach him the ins and outs of sex. You'll also learn whether or not Flopsweat was able to land this girl. How could he not, right?

L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step
FS: I know what I would do
FS: but I don’t know how to explain it
L&MB: you have NO IDEA what to do with it?
FS: massage lips I guess u could say
L&MB: no.
L&MB: incorrect.
FS: ok
FS: then what yoda?
FS: don’t tell me u do that chicken peck shit…
FS: kiss her once
FS: separate
FS: look at her now do-si-do and promenade!
FS: then go back for me
FS: more*
L&MB: what is this separating nonsense?
FS: ok…do u suck on her lip?
L&MB: yes
FS: ok…that’s what I was trying to say before…couldn’t explain it til I pictured it
L&MB: you also have to use your teeth gently
FS: knaw
FS: ok
L&MB: then, slowly move down to her cheek bone
L&MB: and then start kissing her neck
L&MB: make sure to use your tongue A LOT
FS: umm…
FS: on her neck?
L&MB: yes.
FS: y?
L&MB: which part don’t you get?
FS: y?
L&MB: do you know anything about girls?
FS: I don’t know y girls like guys to suck on their necks and give hickies too…what’s the appeal in that?
FS: except it’s a badge of possession
L&MB: basically, by kissing her neck, she gets a lot of feeling in the neck, which sends little tingles of sensation down to the vagina, causing her to get wet
FS: ok…but y the tongue?
FS: u don’t lick her…
L&MB: does she have any birthmarks on her cheek or neck?
FS: jesus christ…do I have to draw schematics?
L&MB: yes
L&MB: how much does this girl weigh?
L&MB: and if you don’t know, ask her
FS: not much y?
L&MB: just asking
FS: maybe 115 or so…
FS: maybe more…not much more though
L&MB: how tall is she?
FS: 5’4” or so
FS: maybe a little shorter
L&MB: you don’t have to do any bending
FS: ok…are we done now?
L&MB: when you’re giving her a hickey, massage that spot on her neck that you are sucking on with your tongue
L&MB: absolutely not
L&MB: do you want to get this right or not?
FS: yes
FS: but do I just keep sucking on her neck? It seems so stupid
FS: I might like it when I try it…
L&MB: it is stupid, but girls love it
FS: ok
L&MB: besides, it’s a mark to show your affection for her to everyone
FS: lol
FS: I know
FS: my badge of possession
L&MB: where are your hands now?
FS: on her ass
L&MB: ok. Good.
FS: lol
FS: I am not that stupid
FS: or naïve rather
FS: I should sya oh sweet irony…you can’t make this shit up
FS: say*
L&MB: then you start moving your hand slowly up her side to _____?
FS: her breast
L&MB: where is the other hand during this time?
FS: on her ass or on her waist area
FS: or back
FS: back waist compromise
FS: lol
L&MB: and what does this other hand do after you’ve reached the left breast?
FS well…the one on the breast massages around the nipple…the other one can massage her ass or go down…
FS: any objections so far?
FS: ok
L&MB: very very incorrect
L&MB: you just failed
FS: then what?
FS: stop playing quizmaster and fuckin tell me
FS: I gotta sleep…class at 7:30
L&MB: don’t massage her ass, she’s not a gay man
FS: grab it then
FS: I don’t know
L&MB: move that hand that was on her ass to the back of her head
FS: ok
L&MB: smell her hair and make noise when you do it
L&MB: then compliment how her hair smells
L&MB: are you writing this down?
FS: I got it
FS: keep going
L&MB: tell me what you think is next
FS: nibble on her ear
L&MB: you’re a natural
L&MB: and then?
FS: whisper sweet nothings into it
FS: lol
L&MB: what’re you gonna say?
FS: damn yo fine lifted from any Spike Lee, Wayans brothers or Tyler Perry flick
FS: lol
L&MB: seriously…
FS: I could eat a peach for hours lifted from Face/Off; G-d I hate him…
L&MB: why am I wasting my time if you’re not gonna take this seriously
FS: ok ok
FS: I tell her how silky her skin is
L&MB: no. try again
FS: ok
FS: u just gotta do her in the butt Lifted from The Ladies Man
FS: I don’t know…
L&MB: so if this was real life, you would just stop?
FS: no
L&MB: well…
FS: ask her to suck my dick
FS: no
FS: tell her… Real suave, Flopsweat…
L&MB: tell her what?
FS: to suck my dick
L&MB: you can’t just take 20 minutes to decide
FS: jk
FS: tell her to model for me nude lifted from True Lies
L&MB: Flopsweat, I’m fucking serious. Why am I wasting my fucking time?
FS: what the hell do you want me to say?
L&MB: at this point it has to come from the heart
L&MB: and what does your heart say?
L&MB: you are like a massage on my soul does this come with happy ending?
FS: you complete me like I even have to say it…lifted from Jerry Maguire
FS: how much more do I have to say?
FS: is there a quota?
L&MB: minus the second line
FS: ok
L&MB: the first line is good
FS: ok


I know what you’re thinking: how well could this story POSSIBLY end? Well, Flopsweat is getting married this summer and we are both in the wedding party. Obviously not to the girl from this conversation - that turned into a disaster. Send in your questions to “Advice from the Sexperts” by commenting on this article or email us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com. If we could get this red assed baboon laid, maybe you have a chance after all...

Scarlett Johansson - Please Shut Up!

If you have a cure for bleeding ears, please contact me ASAP. My ears have gone all hemophiliac on me since hearing this atrocity this AM. Scarlett's attempt at music sounds like Enya grew a pair of testicles overnight, threw her talent out the window, and received pop music lessons from Heidi Montag.

Whoever told Scarlett that she has a great singing voice and should release a single should be water-boarded and sent to Hanoi and given the John McCain treatment. Scarlett Johansson is only famous because she has HUGE boobs and looks like she'd do anything in bed. ANYTHING. She can be doing something more useful with her mouth. Like SHUTTING IT!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Public Service Announcement from PESU

Friends, today I reach out to you to address a serious problem that is affecting America, from the youth to those with a foot in the grave. It is a fast growing problem affecting millions of Americans, particularly in the Midwest and in the South. I am, of course, speaking of cankles.

As per the Urban Dictionary, "cankle" is defined as "An ankle of a fat person in which the the ankle and the calf appear seamless." The cankle can be seen everywhere one looks, from the pending election (Hilary Clinton) to Hollywood (Britney Spears) to the line at your local McDonalds (everyone) to your family function (your mother).

I'm not here to hound you about the dangers of hydrogenated soybean oil or high fructose corn syrup, nor am I here to convince you to get on a low fat, no carb, or liquid diet. I'm here to ask you to put down the fork, close the waffle iron, and put down that ice cream cone. I know that it tastes soooooo good in the summer, but please - think of the children. Cankles affect us all and your awareness of the problem is the first step in curing it, so please...let's end this madness and put a stop to cankles. I beg you...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Greatest Study Ever (except of course for the one that said beer is good for you)

(by the way, that's definitely a penis on the cover of the Disney movie The Little Mermaid)

Yes, it's true. An Australian study (bless those Aussies from down under!) have confirmed that males that flog their dolphin at least 5 times a week were less likely to develop prostate cancer than those that felt that playing a quick game of pocket pool was a sin. However, results regarding shaking hands with the one eyed milk man and blindness were inconclusive.


Mandy Moore Sighting.

Mandy Moore is still alive and performing music. Well, other peoples music but still impressive. She is the one pop girl from the late 90’s and early 00’s that has not completely destroy her life or become the butt of jokes (ha-ha butt). All she had to do was… umm… stop being a celebrity? Hmmm, well there goes the theory that you can be young, in the spotlight and not be a complete fuck up. There goes my nobel prize.

I could really go for a sandwich, something with bacon on it. Shit, just some bacon could do the trick.

Peep Mandy rock out to Umbrella.

Baseball Lies

Professional Baseball player Miguel Tejada, currently with the Houston Astros was born in Bani, Dominican Republic. As a child he dreamed of playing in the Major Leagues. Knowing he had the potential to be recognized by Major League scouts Tejada was sure he was going to one day play in full stadiums, under the lights, against the best players in the world. However as time passed Tejada began to see his dream fade,

“I was like, oh man.” Tejada said. “I am 18 and I am still not signed by any team. I always dreamed that I would be signed by 16.”

Tejada was signed 3 months later and was finally going to get his chance to play the sport he loved for a living. However something wasn’t right.

“I didn’t want to be 18 years old in the minor leagues. So I did what any person would do.”

What Tejada did was create a fake birth certificate and claimed he was two years younger then he really was.

“It felt so good to be 16 again. Sure, being 18 had its perks but I would be there again in 2 years.”

Recently Tejada was sand bagged by an interviewer who had located his real birth certificate:

Tejada later came out and apologies to the organization. He stated that he wanted to tell the team himself after he had proved himself to management. Since this incident Tejada is 10/15, scored 6 runs, 7 RBIs and 1HR. Astros manager Cecil Cooper had this to say:

“Tejada has really been hitting the ball lately. It is almost as if he has aged two years in a day. I think it is just a relief for him to finally be able to act his age. The difference between this patient seasoned 35 year old veteran and that hotheaded 33 year old rookie is like night and day. The thing is it took only one night to make that transformation… Amazing”

Monday, April 21, 2008

Not Miley!

I don’t know who Miley Cyrus is but apparently she is another 15 year old that is trying to give me some mahogany. News flash sweetheart, it ain’t going to happen… Not again! I only fall for that old trick 7 or 8 times and then I wise up to it.

The 15 year old took some scandalous pictures with friends that are now being circulated around the internet. Nothing to bad, you don’t see anything fun. Parents of course are up in arms. But let’s take a step back and look at all of the most recent young females that have been held to a higher standard because they were/are celebrities. They have all become laughing stocks and terrible role models. So hey, can we finally stop idolizing these people and start telling our children to be themselves and not emulate everything they see on TV.

Unless your kid is one of those school shooters, because that shit isn’t cool. In that case keep him at home and make him watch Gossip Girls, in a week he won’t have the will to kill, or live.

Advice from the Sexperts part II

Last we met, Mr. Book and I were teaching Flopsweat how the female mind works. In part 2 of 3 below, we impart our wisdom of what to say and do to win a lady over. Finally, in part 3, we will address the physical mechanics of hooking up.

FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…
FS: but there isn’t such a thing as the perfect time
FS: but it didn’t come
FS: the perfect time didn’t come yet because I didn’t tell you how I feel
FS: the perfect time is that which is spend with you
FS: you are wonderful and I can’t wait to tell you how I feel
FS: I couldn’t wait for the perfect time to come along
FS: I had to make it come along myself
FS: too ich
FS: i know
FS: I am trying to be romantic…but due to my lack of experience
FS: it wouldn’t work
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you suck at it
FS: yea…cause I don’t have practice No, you don’t have common sense
L&MB: no, I think it’s cause you read too many trashy romance novels
FS: nah…I don’t read that crap
L&MB: yeah, but apparently you write it
FS: lol
FS: I could…
FS: hehe
L&MB: ok Danielle Steele
L&MB: you hafta compliment her
L&MB: have you ever read poetry?
L&MB: you were complimenting time
L&MB: not her
FS: I know…but when compliment ppl I think it’s suckin up…so I suck at compliments I think he means “I suck at life”
L&MB: write her a haiku
FS: lol
FS: she is jewish…not Japanese
L&MB: I’m not kidding, chicks dig that
L&MB: write it in Hebrew then
FS: she probably isn’t that fluent
FS: neither am I He has a keen ear for sarcasm
L&MB: you have to write her something romantic
L&MB: reading something romantic that you wrote to a girl gets them all wet
L&MB: and you have to seal the deal with a kiss
L&MB: why aren’t you telling her now?
FS: wtf am I gonna tell her?
L&MB: you gotta tell her soon before she looks for a better guy
L&MB: what color are her eyes?
FS: not sure
L&MB: how much do you like her again?
FS: I mostly look at her lips
FS: hehe
L&MB: what color are they?
L&MB: not black gentleman lips, eh?
FS: pink
FS: lol
FS: no black gentleman lips
L&MB: tell her “I’m not gonna beat around in your bush. I like you.”
FS: lol
L&MB: or “you have the most beautiful lips…every time I see them, I wanna kiss you”
L&MB: you have to kiss her. You have no other options
L&MB: but make sure you don’t get aroused when you do it
FS: what am I gonna do? Skull fuck her?
FS: not right away anyway…
L&MB: what…
L&MB: tell her that
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved enough to skull fuck
FS: no feed me a stray cat lifted from American Psycho
FS: I mean pussy
L&MB: oh my G-d, sweet poetry…
FS: lol
L&MB: say “oh cupid, hath thy struck me with thy sweet searing arrow?”
FS: I am not gay
FS: lol
L&MB: um…
L&MB: that’s debatable
FS: suck my balls lifted from the South Park movie
L&MB: see…
FS: lol
L&MB: anyway…
L&MB: what’s this lass’s name?
FS: Rachel
L&MB: does she have sideburns?
L&MB: your silence says it all
FS: no
FS: and no
L&MB: oh, and before you do it
L&MB: don’t shave for a day or two
FS: y?
L&MB: you look more serious that way
FS: should I wait til tomorrow then?
L&MB: sure
L&MB: you’ve got the personality thing goin for ya, all ya need is the rough and tumble look more lies…
L&MB: so run your plan by me
L&MB: a good one this time
FS: well…when I see her tomorrow…I will go talk to her…and compliment her on little things…
L&MB: like what?
L&MB: tell her she’s got a killer body
FS: like her smile
L&MB: she goes to upenn
L&MB: she’s gotta know she’s smart
L&MB: smart girls love to think they’re attractive
FS: I am sure all girls would
L&MB: tell her that she’s all you’ve ever looked for in a woman
L&MB: and after you talk to her and compliment her, what’re you gonna do
FS: I will have to get close enough to initiate contact…doesn’t have to be on lips at first…is he trying to land a date…or a plane?
FS: could be by grabbing her hand
FS: or something
L&MB: just make sure that when you close in, you don’t kiss her on the nose or something retarded
FS: yea
L&MB: ya gotta get accurate precision on that shit
FS: I know
L&MB: if you miss that could fuck you up
FS: the hardest part for me would be drawing closer
L&MB: it’s A LOT harder than it looks
L&MB: plus, ya kiss her on the nose, she might think you’re some kinda pervert
FS: I am not thinking about that…thinking about what I am trying to do here
L&MB: and also, make sure you tilt your head enough where you don’t bump noses
FS: I know…I also kinda have to bend down a bit
FS: she is shorter than me
L&MB: but not enough so that it looks like you’re gonna crack your neck
L&MB: and you know how to kiss, right?
FS: choose a lip or let her choose one
L&MB: what about tongue?
FS: not sure when to start using it…I guess if she opens her mouth a bit
FS: so do i
L&MB: do you kiss her before or after you tell her you like her?
FS: y wouldn’t I kiss her after?
L&MB: just wondering
L&MB: sometimes it’s better before
L&MB: if she’s that type of girl, you know?
FS: what constitutes that “type of girl”
L&MB: well if she’s fun and shit, or if she’s conservative and smart and shit
L&MB: ya know?
FS: then after wards
L&MB: huh?
L&MB: which one is she?
FS: she is more conservative than fun…but fun also she sounds about as fun as genital herpes
L&MB: oh, so she’s uptight?
FS: nah
FS: she is laid back
FS: but not on her back
L&MB: tell her that one
L&MB: you should already know what kinda girl she is
FS: that she is laid back but not on her back
L&MB: it was a joke. relax.
FS: lol
FS: I am tired dude…can we take quiz tomorrow
FS: lol
L&MB: no
L&MB: um, just as long as you don’t try to kiss me
L&MB: cause I think you’d suck at it
FS: lol
FS: shut up [Mr. Book]
L&MB: just kidding
L&MB: you’ll do fine man
L&MB: and what do you do once you pick a lip?
FS: not sure
FS: [Loki] never told me the next step

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion. We will also reveal whether or not Flopsweat got the girl (or any girl for that matter). Be sure to post your sex/relationship questions by commenting below or emailing us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com

Mr. Book is a relationship expert, having helped several couples emerge out of the depths of dark and callous relationships and blossom into loving, functional relationships. Loki is a sex expert, having helped several couples explore new things in the bedroom, open up sexually, and explore their wildest fantasies. Also, he's been to every porn site in existence.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Advice from the Sexperts

We at PESU believe in giving back to the community. That is why in 2000, as part of our probation's terms, Book and I adopted a set of doughy, dopey 18 year old twins; one wit the gift of always being able to say the wrong thing at the wrong time; the other cursed with compulsively quoting movies out of context. Book and I set out on an epic journey as the sherpas (but not as smelly) that would get these unfortunate travelers laid.

Through merciless negative reinforcement and gentle encouragement (i.e. verbal abuse), Twin #1 (herein Jonas) lost 50 lbs., learned to hold back most of his retarded comments (don’t get me wrong, he still flung a barrage of verbal feces, but at least it was controlled), and trimmed his grandma quaff. Eventually, Jonas met a Grinch look-alike that allowed him the pleasure of penetration. He has gone on to have sex with other, much better looking women. He even once said something funny. Honest!

Twin #2’s (herein Flopsweat) journey was a bit tougher. Unfortunately for him, he came to us asking for advice on how to get a girl and what to do with her once she seemed interested.

Below is part 1 of 3 of our conversation with Flopsweat where we share our worldly knowledge and keen insight into the female mind. This conversation has not been taken out of context or manipulated. The names in this story have not been changed.

Did our advice end up getting Flopsweat laid? Was he finally able to successfully charge up Mount Vagina, get through the Jeans Guardsmen and past the Panty Defense? Stay tuned for the exciting saga from your pals at PESU.

Liner notes are in italics

Loki & Mr. Book: so why are you scared shitless of opening up to this girl?
L&MB: don’t you think that if you REALLY liked her, that you’d be comfortable around her?
L&MB: that’s how I am
Flopsweat: because a) I haven’t done that in a while done what? Spoken to a single woman? b) I am comfortable…but it is more a matter of not knowing what to say
L&MB: girls hate it when guys are uncomfortable
L&MB: Flopsweat, ya gotta tell her how ya feel
L&MB: grab her hand
L&MB: turn her around
L&MB: and say “I really want you”
L&MB: and then start kissing her
FS: did you ever do that?
L&MB: of course
FS: and it worked?
L&MB: so, when you gonna tell that girl?
L&MB: ya gotta tell her soon man
FS: I know
L&MB: like tonight
L&MB: or tomorrow
L&MB: do it tomorrow
L&MB: if she don’t like ya, at least you’ll have me and [Loki] there
L&MB: so, what’re you gonna say?
L&MB: test run…
FS: ok
FS: ……………
L&MB: you’re a natural
FS: lol
L&MB: you’re a glib motherfucker, uncle Flopsweat
L&MB: listen…
FS: the longer I wait…the harder it is for me to tell you how wonderful you are
L&MB: are you comin on to me you goofy fuck? By our reaction he could tell he was barking up the wrong tree and changed his tune
FS: everyday I wait for the perfect time to tell you
L&MB: oh, you started
L&MB: phew…

To get advice from your local PESU Sexperts, leave us a comment on this post or you can email us at boredagainpictures@gmail.com.

G. I. Joes, a really big mistake?

The G.I. Joe live action movie is set to come out in August 2009. When I heard about the project it peeked my interests as it would any boy my age (or 10 to 15 years younger then me). However, I was very skeptical of the project considering I have seen many of my favorite childhood cartoons and video games turned into movies and, well, lets just say they didn’t live up to expectations. Here is a quick list:
1) Transformers
2) The Punisher
3) The Incredible Hulk
4) Doom
5) Street Fighter
6) Fantastic Four
7) X-men 2 and 3
8) He man
9) Superman Returns
10) Batman 1-5
11) Alvin and the Chipmunks
12) Garfield
13) The Flintstones
14) Underdog

That took two seconds. The only good ones I can come up with right now are Mortal Kombat and Beetle Juice. They kicked ass!

So due to my cynical nature I decided to do a little research about the G.I Joe project. Below is an excerpt from my internal debate about whether the movie will be good or not:

“Oh, Snakeeyes looks sick. That is good stuff. Wait… who is that playing Hawk? No no no no NO NO NO NO NO COME ON!!!! Shit ass piss, anal rippage, turd burger. Dennis Quaid? COME ON. He is one step away from being Kevin Costner. Who is Dwayne Johnson? That name looks familiar… THE ROCK?!?!?! Oh god kill me now what are they doing? The Rock he is terrible, he hasn’t been in a good movie since… since… ummm….”

“Ok, maybe they can redeem themselves. There are a lot of characters in the G.I. Joe world. Who do they have playing Cobra Commander? ….Oh My God… (silence). The little kid with the long hair from 3rd Rock from the Sun is playing the most evil man in the world?”

“Well, I guess I can go home now, no use in sitting on this line anymore to see it opening night. It is just frustrating sitting out here all winter, stealing the mall’s WiFi to blog just to learn that the movie is going to suck. That wasn’t worth my two pinky toes. They died in vain.”

“Time to pack it up and go home to my only true friends, Mr. Jack Daniels and a loaded 9mm.”

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Legal Alert!

Guess who’s legal… Hermione! Harry Potter’s older male fan base is either really excited about this or about Equus. Either way it is a win for people who watched these movies and always wondered what the main characters will look like when they are older. Personally I can not wait until Hermione (Emma Watson) starts doing other movies. Maybe… something starring me and a bottle of the bubbly.

“Oh honey, I didn’t see you standing behind me while I was typing this. No, don’t be mad! Come back don’t leave you can’t leave (door slams).”

She’ll be back. You know how I know? She is on house arrest and can’t go over 25 feet from the house otherwise she goes back to jail. That’s what happens when you get arrested for stalking your ex-boyfriend.


One, Two, Three, TRIPLE DEKE!!!!

I'm so sick and tired of movies being ridiculously fake. Whether it's giant mutated monsters attacking cities, fat people being active, or a pee wee hockey player performing the dumbest move ever to win a game...something needs to be said. I will tackle these issues one at a time, with today's post debunking the myth of the elusive "triple deke".

Reasons why the "deke" will never work.

Scenario 1: A sniper in the stands (from either team) shoots the player in the head because they cannot believe the utter stupidity of what they are witnessing.

Scenario 2: A runaway T-Rex bites the player's head off.

Scenario 3: The player slips and falls on their extremely long hair forcing them to slide into the corner filled with sharp metal spikes.

*Removes top-hat and proceeds to take a bow*

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

2008 Election Coverage Begins

The 2008 presidential election is quickly approaching. Many people are reading the newspaper and watching news channels like CNN to make sure they are educated on the issues. Well here at PESU we have done a little study to see how this next election will turn out.

As you can see (demonstrated in the Pie chart below) the race will be another extremely tight one, with the majority of the population… not giving a shit.

In our estimation 24% of voters will vote Democrat and 23% of voters will vote Republican. Another 1% will throw away their vote by voting for a 3rd party candidate, basically just to have the feeling of importance that people get when they voted. The overwhelming majority will stay home and not waste their time in the polls. I know I for one will leave work early by saying “I need to vote” subsequently going straight to the nearest bar to drink.

“Vote Or Die” a slogan aimed to show the importance of voting, created by P-Diddy for the 2004 election, seemed to hit home with the younger voters. However after the 2004 election when there was no massive genocide of Americas that didn’t want to or just plumb forgot to vote people began to think it was a lie. That led to the creation of a new slogan “Vote Or Leave Work Early and Do Whatever You Want”.

Due to the fact that the election is based on the Electoral College, causing some states to be more important then others, there are a few states that plan on not voting at all. Jim Connelly had this to say:

“I have lived in Delaware my whole life. I have never voted, and plan on never voting in my life. We have 3 electoral points… Would you bother?”

Ray-Ray Jackson a native of Mississippi had this to say:

“Voting? What the shit is that?”

Remember, every vote counts… kind of. Unless you are from Delaware, Rhode Island, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire, North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Maryland or if you are from a state that overwhelming votes one way. Then they really don’t count that much. Plus, do you really feel like driving out to the local voting booths and waiting in line? I know I don’t.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Porn is Expensive

Just last week, a Chinese art collector shelled out $91,000 for a topless photo of French President Nikolas Sarkozy's wife, Carla Bruni. This week, as Mr. Murdoch mentioned earlier, a New Yorker purchased a risque Marilyn Monroe video for a mind blowing (get it?) $1,500,000. This 15 minute video, the original celebrity sex tape (take that Pam and Tommy!), shows a fully clothed Marilyn Monroe slobbing the knob of an unidentified gentleman caller, whose head remains out of frame for the entire duration of the video.

More interesting is that the FBI has had a copy of the sex tape for years. J. Edgar Hoover, the Director of the FBI at the time, was apparently obsessed with this video, as he was convinced that the unidentified organ belonged to none other than JFK. He had a team of 9 analyze this video full time for two weeks. He even brought in prostitutes that had allegedly serviced Massachusetts' favorite splatter-brained son to identify the black and white dong (and you thought you were original, Porky's).

In the spirit of "One Night in Paris" and the far more disturbing "One Night in Chyna", I've attempted to come up with a clever name for the Marilyn Monroe blowjob video. "One Night in Marilyn's Mouth" seemed to be too exaggerated for a 15 minute video. Also, I've never heard of a locale called "Marilyn's Mouth". Thus far, I've got "Some Like it Slobbed" and "The Seven Year Itch". Leave a comment with your more clever titles. I'd love to hear them.

Here's what I learned today:

The good - The FBI has sex tapes. If I had known this in college, I would have seriously reconsidered my major and applied to the Federal Bureau of Porn. Sigh...

The bad - The original hoe gave average at best blowjobs. I figured that Marilyn would be able to suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch in under 7 flat. But 15 minutes...I'm disappointed.

The ugly - J. Edgar Hoover was obsessed with JFK's hog. Keep that image in your head before you go to bed. Or when you're trying to buy yourself another 10 minutes. But knowing you, cowboy, that wouldn't work, would it?


Ashley Simpson is pregnant!!!

Uhm who cares? She’s not hot, she can’t dance, she definitely can’t sing, she obviously can't dress, she sucks at life…why do we care that she’s going to give birth to another annoying and most likely mentally delayed member of the Simpson family? I’ll tell you why. Sisters are always fighting and trying to upstage one another. This means that soon hotter sister Jessica will try to get pregnant. However, Jessica knows that once she becomes pregnant her body will go through some changes and she will no longer look the gorgeous plastic Barbie Doll that she is today. Thus, she is going to do a spread (get it?) in Playboy and cash in on her body before she becomes pregnant, thus making the world a happier place for everyone. Seriously, I could easily teach Calculus at Harvard.

Worth Every Penny

If I had 1.5 million dollars yesterday, I would have 0 dollars today and one tape. That tape would be Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape. The one tape, forged from plastic and film. I wouldn’t even try to sell it, I would just watch it myself, and I wouldn’t tell anyone I owed it. I would sing to it, I would dance with it. I would cook dinner for it. I would tell jokes to it. I would grow old with it. It would probably give me an extended life; the powers of that tape are immeasurable. It would be miness, all mines!!! My love, my passion, my precious.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Why I Love Women

According to a study published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, couples get along much better when the woman is better looking than her spouse.

I'll spare you the boring ass details, but when a couple in which the woman was better looking discussed a problem, the man was more supportive saying things like "I'm there for you" and "How can I help" [*cough* homo]. When the man was better looking, he would typically respond something like "It's your problem, deal with it."

The study concludes when the man is uglier, he is getting something better out of the relationship than he is providing. When the man is better looking he develops an "I can do better" mentality. Translation: Physical attractiveness is extremely important to men (so get on the treadmill, tubby!). On the contrary, women seek supportive husbands. It's unfortunately for you that you have the personality of a foot.

So maybe there is hope for you after all, Pugly! Nah, I'm just kidding. Your father was right. No one will ever love you.

In conclusion, I love women because they have vaginas. And boobies.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Smug City

There's a debate in this country about whether or not President Bush should boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics this summer. Apparently China is doing some shit or something to other countries or someone and some Americans feel that we are some how “protesting” whatever China is doing by not having our President (who everyone in America hates anyway) not be present during the first night of the Olympics (best run on sentence ever.) Sorry I am not completely up-to-date on the whole deal, but I stopped paying attention to Asia and its issues when we got banned from China (see Mission Accomplished post.)

As the debate rages on one city decided to take it into their own hands and protest. That’s right you all know that socialist, green loving, bead wearing, hemp enthused, vegan, organic tooth paste using, Earth Day celebrating, tree hugging, rainbow sandal wearing, condescending, granola munching, pot legalizing, mom and pop shop loving, hybrid driving, wild haired, sun child, hippie piece of crap, hell on earth of a city, San Francisco.

Could they be any lamer? The Olympic Torch is being passed throughout the world, as a symbol of the world coming together to celebrate what it is to be human. These extremely affluent people are trying to interrupt it to prove that they are well informed and educated about what is going on in the world. As the runners pass through the town they could hear the protest chant:

“We’re rich; we’re bored, we feel like complaining.”

Followed by, “Starbucks and Wal-Mart are evil”.

I agree about Starbucks. Their coffee always tastes burnt. I don’t know maybe it is just me. How can Wal-Mart be evil when I can buy a pack of Oreo’s for a dollar? A FUCKING DOLLAR!!! If they didn’t even know that, how well informed could they be? BTW… The 60’s ended for a reason, it sucked. Welcome to the 2000s, enjoy it while you can. We all know how it is going to end. We have all seen the Matrix.

Newsflash: Entire Midwest is Autistic

Well, this being the official 100th post at PESU, I felt we had to tackle an important issue. This my friends, is the issue of the recent increase in Autism.

Upon reading fellow PESU staff-writer Loki's article about Dr. Doolittle (the Autistic girl), I decided to check out the link he had copied at the bottom. For those of you lazy's, it's re-linked here. Now please, I beg of you, watch the whole thing (it seems like an interview done with her about her Autism and how people respond to her, along with a photo montage). Read the rest of this article after viewing the whole slide-show and listening to what she has to say.

There. Have you watched it? Now, I present to you, the argument: The Entire Midwest is Autistic. How do you ask? Well, listening to her speak with coherent speech, and a vocabulary that is superior to most of the citizens of the United States (a particular leader of the Free-World comes to mind), and arguing the merits of her lifestyle while noticing no physical defects from her pictures, I have come to the realization that those with far less social-interaction skills and more physical deformities that love nature and 4H fairs must be far more Autistic than she. And if you ask me who likes 4H fairs and roughing it in the wilderness with animals, or who speaks with less eloquence, then I will show you the Midwest. (I've spent 5 years out there, I would know).

The American Heritage Dictionary defines autism as "a pervasive developmental disorder characterized by severe deficits in social interaction and communication, by an extremely limited range of activities and interests, and often by the presence of repetitive, stereotyped behaviors."

Now, does she seem like she has a social interaction or communication problem through that video? No, she understands what the interviewer had asked of her, and presents her argument in a way that is both rational and understandable. Her comments that "everyone thinks I'm like the Rain Man" point to her knowledge of popular culture and her understanding of the stigma that is attached to her classification. And does she have an extremely limited range of activities and interests? Well, she's dedicated herself to a wild-life preserve. But ask the football fanatic that plays fantasy, plays pop-warner up through the pro-level and plays Madden games in the offseason if he's been classifed as autistic. You'll get a resounding "no". Or find the marine biologist that spends her time dedicated to saving the whales or studying scallops. They're called "scientists". And in terms of repetitive behavior, there are plenty of nervous ticks that people have (biting nails, playing with their hair, checking to see if a door is locked) that are normal as long as they don't move to OCD proportions. No, she doesn't seem autistic.

Now, I'm not just talking about Sarah from the article. It seems as if more and more children these days are being classified as autistic, and I believe it's the new ADD. Now, don't get me wrong, there are Autistic people out there, and I feel for the families that have to deal with this disorder. But the popular cop-out seems like it's being juxtaposed as a politically-correct label for just plain being weird. And there's nothing wrong with that. When I was in school as a kid, I was very awkward and I knew kids that were even weirder. But they weren't labled with a disorder. Most of them snapped out of it and moved on. Some are still a bit strange, but they can make a living without a problem. So until we stop throwing around this fad catch-all phrase, we might all be considered to be a little autistic.

My idea of fun is writing a blog bitching about stuff.
My name is Mr. Book. And I am Autistic.

Ashlee Simpson is Engaged

Ashlee Simpson, 23, and long time (almost a full year and a half) boyfriend, Pete Wentz, 28, are engaged. In other, more interesting news, I still cannot touch my toes without bending my knees.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Take it Easy, Moneybags

Hey there, big spender. I see you've been doing some shopping lately. I got this little tidbit from a lil' birdie (also known as the Government Accountability Office). It looks like you've flipped the bill for $1,100 worth of internet dating, $77,000 worth of clothing and fashion accessories, a $13,500 dinner, $360 worth of lingerie, oh, and lest we forget that $2,000,000 you blew on electronic equipment.

Don't worry, though. Even though that pink teddy you bought would match your pink pumps perfectly, you'll never get to see it or any of the other items you've spent your hard earned cash on - see, you've selflessly donated it to your kind, half-retarded Uncle (Sam), and his employees were kind enough to spend it for you. As per a government audit, whose findings were released Wednesday, the most flagrant violations of the government issued purchase card were:

1. $2,000,000 worth of electronics (including iPods, digital cameras, laptops & PCs) have gone unaccounted for.

2. A series of 180 credit card linked checks totalling $642,000 from a government employee to a co-habitating individual with a joint bank account.

3. Four Dept. of Defense employees spent a staggering $77,000 on clothing and accessories at Brooks Brothers, Talbots, and Johnston & Murphy (they're allowed $860 per person per year for civilian attire - I'm pissed about that perk too if you were wondering).

4. A $13,500 dinner at Ruth's Chris by US Postal Employees (including a $3,000 bar tab).

5. A Post Master who charged $1,100 to 2 internet dating sites and used his work computer to access wank material.

Let me start by saying that a $13,500 dinner better include Jessica Alba's breast milk and I'd better be drinking that shit straight from the tap! And really, how horrible do you have to look to need to spend $1,100 on internet dating? I could get Rocky Dennis laid for less than that, unless he requests the services of Ashley Alexandra Dupre - that bitch is expensive!!

My favorite item on this list was the $360 spent on women's underwear and lingerie to be worn during jungle training by trainees of a drug enforcement program in Ecuador. Oh, J. Edgar, you sly fox...and I thought you retired. Or died...

Those of you seeking some sort of justice can take mild solace in knowing that the Post Master had to repay the $1,100 and was removed from his post and that the embezzling employee owes $642,000 in restitution and was sentenced to 21 months in prison.

That is mild at best considering the most shocking revelation of the study: nearly half of the 2006 purchase card transactions were improper. Man, I'm so happy to be paying taxes!! Fuck you, Sam.

Sitcom Wet Dreams

McNugget: Kelly Kapowski vs Winnie Cooper
Mr. Murdoch: Kelly is hella fine, she is like the dopest shit on the block, she dated both Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. Is this debate over now?
McNugget: not a chance in hell, you forgot to realize that Morris...although he appeared to be the man is actually a huge dork. Remember the episode when he came in dressed as a Native American for heritage day; he was the only one in the class to take it seriously. Also, Slater wore tight ass acid washed jeans, and tucked in his shirt. Plus he wrestled...in spandex
McNugget: Winnie cooper was giving Kevin Arnold handers on the bus ride home in like 6th grade
McNugget: how long did it take Morris to get real play from Kelly? Def took place during the college years

McNugget: what’s up now honky?
Mr. Murdoch: Shit, you obvs did see that shit then. Not only was Zack getting it but she took AC to the Dance off/ she dated a professor in the college years and he was at least 25. Bro this girl was legit
Mr. Murdoch: Oh and we want to talk about dorks. Kevin Arnold, are you kidding me, the opening credits he was jumping around like a pansy, and he couldn't even catch a football
McNugget: dude...when Winnie wasn’t sucking off Kevin Arnold in his family room she was busy chasing after upperclassmen

Mr. Murdoch: Bro Winnie Cooper was like a recluse during Halloween, you know she's got the goodies, but she ain't giving them out.

McNugget: when has Kelly ever flaunted anything?
McNugget: Winnie used to roll to school in her cheer uniform for no reason
McNugget: Winnie slept over Kevin’s house in like 7th grade
McNugget: you know they weren’t just sleeping
McNugget: also Winnie is just such an ill stripper name

Mr. Murdoch: bro Kelly was in that singing group
Mr. Murdoch: do you know how hot that group was?
Mr. Murdoch: Winnie is into math
McNugget: Kelly is into meth

McNugget: ok so Winnie may have been a bit of a nerd...but wouldn’t you like a girl that can tell you at what angle she wants you to be at in order to achieve maximum pleasure
Mr. Murdoch: maximum pleasure. That is a joke
Mr. Murdoch: more like a maximum nap
McNugget: Winnie was obvi dynamite in the sack...she was much more experienced than Kelly
Mr. Murdoch: that is because she is like 20 years older
McNugget: Winnie loves the cock]
McNugget: she can’t get enough of it

Mr. Murdoch: bro if you get Kelly you can prob rope Lisa turtle into a three way
Mr. Murdoch: and I know, I said I KNOW you can not argue with that
McNugget: yeah right....turtle was such a spoiled brat I would have to pay her like 10 grand just to take a picture with her.
Mr. Murdoch: You. Maybe, but not me.
McNugget: come on man...you know that since Winnie lived like 30 feet from Kevin Arnold she was def sneaking over there for some late night sausage
Mr. Murdoch: oh shit, do you have a Winnie Cooper?
Mr. Murdoch: haha are you tapping one of your neighbors
McNugget: no comment
Mr. Murdoch: a little Asian Winnie?
McNugget: I wish

McNugget: its time for me to end this argument...I’m brining out the big guns
McNugget: Winnie cooper let Kevin Arnold bang her in a fucking barn
McNugget: she lost her V-card in a barn to someone she wasn’t even dating at the time
Mr. Murdoch: wow, really?
McNugget: yes
McNugget: wow really

Mr. Murdoch: with hay on her butt?
McNugget: junior in HS and she’s getting drilled next to a cow
Mr. Murdoch: so like there were horses and poop all over?
Mr. Murdoch: holes in the roof? Dirt on the ground. Shit
Mr. Murdoch: that is like my number one fantasy

McNugget: all my life I’ve been looking to bang a girl in a smelly place...like my bedroom
McNugget: Kelly and Zack didn’t knock boots until wedding in Las Vegas made for TV movie

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Found It!!!

I was looking around the internet, looking for something to write about and have a little fun when I stumbled across this gem “‘Killer bees’ swarm, sting Mexican police.” I have heard of karma but Jesus or, um... Hey Zeus (I don’t know I don’t speak Mexican).
Bees attacked after a cop shot the hive while at a shooting range. Yup, defiantly a terrible accident, I bet no one said “Hey S.A. I bet you a taco I can shoot that bee hive.” Mexican cops are known to be some of the most corrupt cops in the world. It is only right they get attacked by bees that escaped from a science lab and began to migrate north.
Oh, did I forget to mention that? Well, rather then listen to me explain what happened I will take a little excerpt out of the article.
“Africanized bees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," are the result of an experiment to increase honey production in Brazil. A swarm escaped a lab in 1957 and began heading north.”

I have never been stung by a bee. So that isn’t really something I am super worried about. I do however eat a lot of Mexican food. So Killer Bees taking out all of Mexico can seriously put my diet of tortilla, beef, cheese and beans in jepordy. Then I will be forced to eat itailan food and that doesn't go very well with tequila.


We're Being Invaded!!!

In a flashing news update, political analysts at PESU have confirmed that yes babies (by that I mean roughly 2 years and younger) are switching over to the Obama camp at a staggering rate. The baby vote, which has statistically shown to be a perfect 50-50 split in all past elections, appears to be an overwhelming landslide for Obama. How did we find this out you ask….youtube of course knuckleheads! The new youtube craze for this week appears to be videos of babies screaming “Obama!!!!”, or something that roughly resembles Obama. Look I’m not a doctor or anything but I’m 100% sure that Obama is much easier to say than Clinton or McCain (I mean seriously those hard consonants still give me trouble to this day). Please practice saying Obama out loud now if you do not believe me…OBAMA….BMMA…ODADA…see? Second, babies are retarded. Don’t people know that they just repeat what ever the hell you say to them. True story, when my cousin was a baby and was speaking we taught him to say…at the dinner table at thanksgiving dinner mind you….and I quote, “I LIKE IT RAW”. Seriously, if I can trick a kid into saying something like that, than any moronic parent can make their kid say Obama. Lastly, this story frustrates me so much because you have all these losers out there saying that this is so cute and these kids know politics and this is proof that Obama will win. Look I’m not going to get into politics here because frankly it’s not proper and more importantly I don’t care, but I do know a little about the political process from sitting through about 75% of my high school history classes, and I definitely remember me asking if babies can vote and my teacher replying very sternly “No”. I mean I don’t understand why everyone is getting so excited over this, these babies have no say over the outcome. I mean come on, this is the equivalent of people getting excited for a group of dogs barking for McCain, or even worse a bunch of women shouting for Hillary.

The Autistic Dr. Doolittle

CNN reports that an autistic 16 year old girl named Sara Childers, has been working with dangerous, Savannah dwelling animals since the age of 9. She feels that her autism helps her connect with animals far more than humans, as animals do not mask their emotions and are much easier to understand.

No shit animals are easy to understand. Take a look at your every day 3 year old. They have the same needs as animals. They eat, sleep, shit, and get into your car when you offer them lollies.

Scarface, er, Sara has a pet tiger named Athena which she keeps chained up in her yard and has worked with lions, tigers, sharks, and boa constrictors, among other crazy shit that you won't find me putting my hands anywhere near.

When asked if she would undergo treatment to cure her for of autism (taking into account that someone actually created a cure it), Sara replied "GGGNNNYAAAAAA", reached her hand into her snackpack, and threw tapioca at the wall.


You can check out the story here: http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/04/04/sara.childers/index.html

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Damn you dirty stinking apes!

You did it. Charlton Heston is dead. For years now, Heston knew of the possibility of the Apes and closely-related arboreal dwellers (that's living in trees for most of the PESU crowd)taking over mankind. Now, some of you may call me crazy. But do you know what I think? Back in his days on Mt. Sinai getting the 10 commandment tablets from God, Charlton was told of the End of Days, whereby Apes would take back the Earth and enslave mankind. Charlton thought this was a good idea for a movie, so he told some guys and they made Planet of the Apes. Upon facing that reality in cinematic form, Charlton realized the true depth of the horror of an Ape-run government, began stock-piling weapons for man's defense. Regulations from a hippy-congress started to make Charlton uneasy, so he took command of the National Rifle Association (NRA) as the last bastion of human protection. But now that he's dead. May God have mercy on our souls...

Friday, April 4, 2008

The Funnier Martial Arts Viral Video


McNugget: Star Wars Kid
Mr. Murdoch: Afro Ninja

Mr. Murdoch: ok personally I love the fact that he gives you that little face before he jumps like, "Ohh, I am the fucking man. You are going to love this shit I am about to do. Ladies make sure you don't look away"
McNugget: see your video was funny because it was a mistake
McNugget: this guy made this video as a serious thing and his friends posted it online
McNugget : for god sakes the star wars kid makes his own sound effects
Mr. Murdoch: Ha-ha yeah that is a great video, but that is a retarded kid doing a retarded thing. I feel bad. He obvs has trouble making friends. He is sitting in his high school after school when no one is around taping himself swinging a mic stand. It is like the Never Ending Story except there is not Valcor to come and save him.
Mr. Murdoch: it makes me sad; don't get me wrong it is really funny, but with a hint of sadness, kind of like Special Olympics
McNugget: that’s why it’s funny

McNugget: look your guy is not a bad looking guy, I’m sure he gets laid on the reg
McNugget: but this kid....you just know he’s got nothing going for him
McNugget: his clothes are too tight, he has zero motor skills, and he's got a 5 dollar haircut.

Mr. Murdoch: You find no joy in this guy thinking he is the man and then just eating shit. I mean he hits his head, bounces back up and then starts swinging the nunchaku as if he didn't just slam his face hard as shit.
Mr. Murdoch: when he gets up and swings the chuck I almost peed my pants
McNugget: sometimes I wish you did pee your pants so I could make fun of you
Mr. Murdoch: I just love the fact that this guy thinks he is going to do something awesome and most likely then next thing, he wakes up in the hospital.

McNugget: also it’s proven that fat people are funnier than skinny people
McNugget: scientific fact
Mr. Murdoch: Ohh, yeah that is a nice point.
Mr. Murdoch: Fatties are funnier,

McNugget: look he did dos something awesome...I could never have gotten that far in a flip
Mr. Murdoch: haha come on

Mr. Murdoch: ok let’s break this down:
Mr. Murdoch: give me three reasons why Star wars kid is funnier
McNugget: well for one thing...Whoppi Goldberg doesn’t appear at the end of the video
McNugget: second...his shirt is so tight that you see his fat baby fat gut
McNugget: third...he’s more talented because he does different scenes
McNugget: I just wish he put in the famous princess lea and the gold bikini scene.

Mr. Murdoch: 1) That little kissy face Afro ninja does before he face plants.
Mr. Murdoch: 2) The sound that his face then shoes make when he hits the ground.
Mr. Murdoch: 3) He gets up with the full intention of continuing his routine as if he didn't just knock himself partially unconscious.
Mr. Murdoch: oh and Whoppi appears at the end
Mr. Murdoch: PESU loves Whoppi

Mr. Murdoch: but tell me you can keep a straight face as he tries to swing the nunchaku
McNugget: dude, nothing about me is straight
Mr. Murdoch: ...

Its a Woman, Its a Man, Its Pregnant???

A transgender man by the name of Thomas Beatie has been officially confirmed pregnant, not fat like previously thought. In case most of you don't know what transgender is, it is defined as, "a person appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser" (dictionary.com). Why the hell is this story considered news?? Basically this person was born female (they had tits, a vertical smile, and everything that comes along with it), then underwent many surgeries and also began taking testosterone pills to look more like a dude. Hey, I'm all about freedom and letting people do what they want, so by all means I have no problem with this thing having a kid (although I'm sure the kid will not lead a normal life and probably end up working at the post office, and one day walk in wearing a trench coat with black sunglasses and pull out a shotgun and start shooting like Peter North). The reason why I'm so frustrated with this story is that Thomas went on the Oprah Winfrey Show to declare that he/she/it is pregnant. I guess the theme of the show was something like "Pregnant Men blah blah blah". You can't say the show is about a pregnant man...when the person is not a fucking man!!!!!! Look I can't take a hamburger and put it in a hot dog roll and say its a hot dog, anyway you look at it I'm still eating a hamburger. If this were the case I wouldn't have gotten grounded as a kid for all the times I got drunk at high school basketball games by drinking vodka inside water bottles. This is the dumbest thing ever, Oprah your a moron, and give me a free car!

PS- Totally unrelated to the previous post, but does anyone else think it's weird that we have solar powered calculators but nothing else???

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hippo vs Bull


McNugget: 1 the bull is faster on open ground
McNugget: 2 the bull has horns
McNugget: and C have you ever seen the size of a bulls balls....thing must be pumped full of testosterone.

Mr. Murdoch: the bulls speed seems like a huge advantage but it is a little known fact that hippos have been clocked at over 30 mph on land
Mr. Murdoch: that isn't exactly standing still
Mr. Murdoch: the bulls horns seem to be an excellent weapon but after the original charge the most they can do is poke the mighty hippo,
Mr. Murdoch: the Hippos teeth will do much more damage
Mr. Murdoch: and well yeah the bull has huge balls but the hippo kills more humans a year then any other mammal in Africa.

McNugget: the bulls horns, when reached at top speed can easily penetrate the hippo’s skin, and it aimed at the eye would cause permanent damage
McNugget: a hippo could never fit a bull in his mouth
Mr. Murdoch: hippo has a huge mouth
McNugget: bull has a huge body
McNugget: how do you figure that the hippo could catch the bull?
McNugget: draw me a sketch
McNugget: seriously
Mr. Murdoch: it could easily crush anything
McNugget: anything?
McNugget: what about superman?
Mr. Murdoch: yup kryptonite teeth
Mr. Murdoch: if the bull attacked the hippo from the front, and didn't knock it out on first contact then the hippo would bit the bull and not let it go.

McNugget: hippos are gay
McNugget: half way through the fight it will get tired and go chill in pool of water somewhere
Mr. Murdoch: the hippo is bigger it out weights the bull, and def has the better weapon with its teeth
McNugget: the hippos average body mass along with its decreased amount of sebaceous glands don’t allow to be out in the sun for very long
McNugget: hence the term hippopotamus
McNugget: which in Latin I believe means "sun hate"
McNugget: also if the hippo is Hindu it cannot kill the bull.

Mr. Murdoch: you are over looking the simple fact that the hippo is truly the superior animal
Mr. Murdoch: people fight bulls
Mr. Murdoch: you will never see a person fight a hippo
McNugget: whoa whoa whoa
McNugget: first off
McNugget: wet backs fight bulls
Mr. Murdoch: yeah and if bulls can't even beat offensively gay dressed Mexicans then how is it going to beat a hippo?
McNugget: second, I fought a hippo last Friday night...she gave me her number but I threw it out...zing
Mr. Murdoch: everything always goes back to your attraction to fat chicks
McNugget: I don’t like fat chicks they just like me.

McNugget: the bull is smarter than the hippo
McNugget: if a hippo is so smart then answer me this
McNugget: if they need water to survive...why do they live in Africa
McNugget: tick tock tick tock
Mr. Murdoch: Nile River?
Mr. Murdoch: ha-ha
McNugget: psh
McNugget: hippos can’t use boats.

Mr. Murdoch: wait what says a bull is smarter? The don't like the color red, that seems pretty stupid
Mr. Murdoch: although I don't like clowns and that is pretty stupid but here i am, looking hot.
McNugget: uhh they can tell colors apart.

Mr. Murdoch: thanks wikipedia!!!!
McNugget: well I would have used encyclopedia Britannica but this isn’t 1996
Mr. Murdoch: yeah really that sucks for encyclopedias
McNugget: imagine if like your job was to write stuff for encyclopedias
McNugget: like what do you do now...become a cable installation person?
McNugget: plus your favorite singer is avril lavigne
Mr. Murdoch: well that is irrelevant
McNugget: I think it’s completely relevant
Mr. Murdoch: Hey hey, you you, I don't like your boyfriend
McNugget: shows you have no concept of good taste
Mr. Murdoch: taste? We aren't eating the bull and hippo

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.

- You are not allowed to touch a wall.

- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."

- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.

- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.

- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

1) I think my technique would be to trip up as many kids as possible at a time, and then stomp their heads in with my feet. I feel like you should try to use your upper body as little as possible to avoid fatigue and injury (punching skulls can injure your hand). I would worry very much about a bunch of them surrounding me and suffocating me to the point where I didn't have the necessary room to get off a decent kick, and they lads would be too stacked to push over. I think you guys are aiming a bit too high, simply because I believe that stomping skulls, no matter how tiny, can get exhausting. Therefore, my estimate comes in at a more reasonable 50 bludgeoned tots. Also, would it be advisable/efficient, to hoist a kid over your head and hurl him in a crowd, and then follow up with a stomping party? Not only would that technique be pretty bad ass, I think it would provide a substantial morale boost for me, the hurler.

2) As the shortest in the group I have certain fears that you guys might not. I would be afraid of the "drag down effect." This would be one kid jumping on my back and before I am able to toss him he would be grabbed by other 5 year olds eventually creating enough pull to drag me down.

Once on the ground I would expect stomping and unless I have the power to get up after the drag… Well… that could be it for me. However I think the size of the room would help me. I would like to think I am much quicker then the 5 year olds and if I can get up enough speed I would be able to throw non-stop flying knees, which would destroy a kid in one blow. For this reason I would like to pick enough kids to fill up half the court this way there is enough room for me to move around and use my god given ability (thanks God I owe you one). So I am going to go for 90-100. I think they could fit easily in ½ of the court so spread out could cause the separation I need to be successful. The only thing that worries me is the fact that I am the most out of shape I have ever been and that me slowing down because of fatigued could resolute in the "drag down effect."

3) I could easily destroy 100+ five year olds at once. My logic is simple, at any given point I would only have approximately 12-14 pairs of tiny fists and feet striking me at once, causing minimal bruising / tickling sensations. I also doubt that five year olds are smart enough to come together in a concerted effort aiming to take me down by, for instance, standing on each other's shoulders to form one giant five year old capable of producing an impressive wallop. With each spinning roundhouse kick I threw, I estimate I would knock out between six and ten children, depending upon where my massive size 13 foot struck their fragile bodies.