Monday, October 29, 2007

I Wish The World Was Flat…So I Could Push You Off

The All Of A Sudden Boston Red Sox Fan – This is the type of person who fails to realize that there are more teams in baseball besides the Yankees and the Red Sox.
Look I’m not here to bash the Red Sox…although I’m not their number 1 fan, but quite honestly it seems like each and everyday there are more and more “die hard” Red Sox fans out there. First you must realize that I respect the real fans of the Red Sox, I mean they have stuck with the same team that hasn’t won in like a gazillion years prior to 2004 (Basically it’s the equivalent of rooting for the deaf kid to win in musical chairs). But there is a new breed of people out there…oh for arguments sake lets just call them…oh I don’t know….ummmm…“FRONT RUNNERS” which are giving all real fans of sports a bad name. I fully understand that people out there hate and despise the Yankees…but it doesn’t mean that you’re automatically a Red Sox fan. Look if you’re from Boston, or anywhere in New England you’re obviously a Sox fan…and I don’t care about you, I’m talking about the rest of those retards out there. I’m talking about the person who claims to be a fan, but when you ask them for last nights score they respond with…Oh I don’t watch baseball…the person who’s never seen a game in real life, the person who’s a fan only because Boston is an awesome city….those people are the ones I’m after. Half of these people, who claim to be fans, I bet couldn’t even name more than three pitchers in their bullpen (you know, the guys who pitch in the middle of the game, when you usually turn it off cause something better is on TV, because you really don’t care that much, because your not really a fan). Lately I’ve been going around talking to these mutants to see what really goes on in their little brains of theirs. The first person I met was a female (hey…I was horny). Basically she was dressed like a punk and/or emo person I couldn’t really tell, nor did I care, and I thought to myself wow this is going to be an easy target. So I asked her, why are you a Sox fan. Her response was simply…because the Yankees are the Evil Empire and I hate them, I hate how they waste all their money buying and selling players. A fair argument I must say, she really must know a lot, but what I found funny was that although she was dressed in what appeared to be clothes that cost 5 dollars combined, she was wearing $200 dollar boots….yes $200 dollar boots. Ironic I think so. Then I proceeded to ask her if she knew who had the second highest payroll in baseball…she looked at me as if I looked like Rocky Dennis. The second person I interviewed was your normal college male, unshaven, dirty hat, looks like he just rolled out of bed. When I asked him why he “loved” the Sox he said….cause they are awesome brah! (A terrific answer and I hope the parents of this child are happy to know that he spends more time getting baked than he does going to class. Like, “brah”, are you kidding me, this isn’t Hawaii, we aren’t taking surfboards to get to work). Mind you that this kid was also a fan of the Chicago Bulls, and the San Diego Chargers…so basically his love for sports is transcontinental…like my love for cheeseburgers. I feel like in today’s world if you’re a fan of the Sox it is the equivalent of being a fan of the Cowboys in the 90’s, which is perfectly fine if you’re a kid, but not when your fucking 27. If you can name players on their team prior to them being good then you’re a fan, and A OK in my book, but if you can’t and/or didn’t know that the Sox had a team prior to them being good, well then I suggest you take your brand new Red Sox hat, your Beckett jersey, and your “love” for the Sox into a car, hit the gas till you reach about 75-80 and drive right into a fucking brick wall.

PS- Did anyone else find it funny that Chewbacca is a lefty??

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Virginia Tech School for Criminals



I know what you're thinking. Where did these two learn how to not smile, and have large, greasy foreheads?

VTSC.

That's what they should change the name of VT to. Virginia Tech School for Criminals. Think about it. When your two most famous alumni are a mass-murderer, and a Korean guy that killed a lot of students, (I know, anyone else would think the top guy the murderer and the Korean guy the one that killed a bunch of dogs for pleasure- I hear they're delicious) you might as well change the name of the school.

What? Virginia Tech Sucks.

*CORRECTION* Only one graduated.

Too soon?

Michael Lohan Takes Blame for Lindsay

Michael Lohan, who recently finished serving an almost two year sentence for DUI and beating the shit out of some dude, has taken the blame for his daughter, Lindsay, acting up.

Hmm - do we detect similarities? DUI? Check. Explosive violent temper? Check. Beating the shit out of a dude? Check (if you replace "beating" with "blowing" and "a dude" with "several dozen dudes").

When asked if he took responsibility for the way Lindsay has been acting, he replied "Absolutely. How can I not? I mean, we lead by example [glug, glug, glug, *gargle*, *swallow*]."

But Michael Lohan did the honorable thing and promised to make things right.

Lohan vowed "I'm going to take it all back. I'm going to separate my sperm from Dina's egg and put it back in my testicle. That way I will not be able to hurt her any more. I just love her so much *sob*.

Bless you, Michael. The world needs more caring, loving parents like your self. AHEM, Britney...

Who Are You, And Why Are You Inside My Magic Picture Box…

I’ve been planning on making a post about this for some time now, but every time I try to start I get dizzy and usually pass out for about an hour or two, then wake up hungry, and oh well lets just say I bring new meaning to the phrase “All You Can Eat Buffet”. Seriously, I mean if your still eating and the place is closing down technically they should either let you stay and eat, bring free food home with you, and/or allow you to come back tomorrow morning and eat for free. I don’t know just a little thought…
So anyway we are here today to discuss an ever growing problem which seems to be destroying the imagination of people, especially those that work at MTV and VH1 (which are considered to be music channels). Both of these stations have taken it upon themselves to bombard us with brand spanking new dating shows…about people who aren’t famous, aren’t funny, basically who aren’t anything. The shows I am talking about are obviously A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila (the most friended person on Myspace…except for me obvi!) and I Love New York 2 (seriously the show got renewed for a second season).
First we must analyze each show to show in its entirety to show how utterly stupid it is and why we should tell our children not to watch these shows (please do it for the children!!! It’s all about the children!!!). The first show, which takes place on MTV, is called a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. First of all, when the opening scene comes up the word Shot is surrounded with shot glasses…you get it…isn’t that so amazingly clever…if I ever see the person that came up with that idea I’m going to shove that shot glass up an exit only hole! OK if that wasn’t enough to make you throw up in your mouth (even just a little bit like when you hear Fran Drescher laugh) they have added a brand new twist which makes the show amazingly stupid. Apparently Tila is a bisexual (which I’m totally cool with cause she’s a hot girl, and we all know that males cannot be bisexual because if your gay you like to suck cock…and if your straight, you don’t…there’s absolutely no wiggle room here!) and thus she goes on dates with both men and women (who are lesbians….and which I might add look absolutely nothing like my female high school gym teacher), seriously I’m not afraid to say that after seeing these girls in their underwear I got a little excited. Look if I wanted watch a threesome involving a hot Asian, another hot babe, and some loser guy…I’d go watch a Kobe Tai porno. Lastly, I finally figured out why MTV (which stands for music television) decided to air this show. It appears that not only is our little Tila a sexy model (posing in everything from Stuff to Playboy) but she is also a singer. She currently has produced her new album with two hit singles (that are out now…I guess) called “I Love U” and of course “Stripper Friends”. Sadly neither of these songs made it to the Billboard Top 100.

Next we have I Love New York 2 (another very clever pun I must add). In this show the main character is New York and she is….uhhh…well her real name is Tiffany Pollard…and shes uhh…..well……she once, no that wasn’t her….basically she had sex with Flavor Flav. Look if every girl that had sex with with Flav got their own TV show it would take 10 years, 8,000 channels, running 24/7…just to get through his teenage years. Seriously, the man has had sex with more random black girls than Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson combined. The man is responsible for more fatherless children than WW2. I can go on and on…but it’s not about Flav. So anyways back to New York. This show has its own unique plot twist which makes it special (like the small school bus special). On this show there is a person named “Midget Max”, and if you haven’t guessed already he’s a little person (not Danny Devito little, more like Gary Coleman little, but with aging). OK, I don’t know a lot about political correctness (as you can tell from my previous posts)…but I know calling a little person a midget is a definite no no. Imagine for a moment that instead of a little person, he’s African American, and his name is Bob…and his nickname was Black Bob (racist…yup), or he was white, had a big nose, never payed for anything and his name was John…and his nickname was Jewish John (racist…yup), or he was Chinese, and his name was Zachary, and his nickname was… Zipperhead Zack (racist…yup, funny…yup). Seriously, who does this lady think she is!? Ok, even if I could let the racism slide, there’s a ton more that’s wrong with this show. It appears that after season 1 ended New York did some remodeling…AKA building two new skyscrapers (she got breast implants…HUGE ones). Look if I want to watch a crazy crack head whore with fake boobs go about her daily business, I’d drive down to Atlantic City and cruise the strip for about an hour. Here’s an idea, in between the finale of season two and the premier of season three, she should get more plastic surgery done and fix that gigantic forehead of hers. Seriously, I mean I don’t know whether to look at it, or try to land the Apollo 11 Spaceship on it.

Well in a nutshell that’s basically the two shows. I guess it all depends on what you like, its like that age old question, What would you rather be a ninja or a pirate, except in this case it’s, What would you rather watch, a hooker or a crack head (I’d personally go with the hooker but that’s just me).

Danger! Danger!


Shit has hit the fan. Our worst nightmare has come true. Paris Hilton is going Doctor Evil on us and is going to freeze herself after her “natural” death. In hopes that a cure will be found for what ever caused her death allowing her to be thawed and brought back to life to terrorize further generations of people. I had an interview with Paris to talk about her goal to freeze herself.

Stud: Paris, why do you want to freeze yourself?
Paris: Freezing yourself is like hot.
Stud: Well, freezing yourself would be cold, but that is beside the point. What do you hope to accomplish by freezing yourself.
Paris: I want to like live forever. Dieing is for like poor people. I have like zillions of moneys I shouldn’t have to like die.
Stud: Paris, you do realize that if you do indeed freeze yourself and there is a cure for whatever killed you (a bullet) that you will be in a world where no one will know who you are. Who knows what will have changed in the world and what is going on. I like to refer to that world as Heaven.
Paris: Like, look at like all the people that have been unfrozen before. Like, a lot of them are hot. Like that caveman and like that cop who didn’t know that he didn’t kill those people.
Stud: …
Paris: You know?
Stud: Are you talking about Brendan Frasier and Sylvester Stallone? They weren’t really frozen; they were acting in movies about being frozen.
Paris: Oh… that’s still hot.

Soon after that I decided to end that interview. I thanked Paris for her time, her insight, and the hand job. After leaving the interview I started thinking about repercussions of Paris freezing herself, never dieing and it brought a smile to my face. At least she won’t annoy me in hell like she does on earth.

*interview may or may not have actually occurred.
*hand job did occur; Paris may or may not have performed it.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

That ass has a person attached to it...


Kim Kardashian, umm… actress? No, umm… singer? No, umm… governor? No… What the hell is she famous for?

She is now attempting to stop the sale of her newest sex tape. Which makes me think, if she doesn’t want people to see her naked, why did she allow the first sex tape to be sold? OR, why did she pose in the new Play Boy? Kim had this to say about her Play Boy shoot:

"It looks really classy and professional.”

Oh yes, definitely. Classy and Professional are two adjectives that are always used to describe Play Boy. Kind of like the adjectives magical and romantic for the word pedophile. Oh and hilarious and blissful rape.

But really, with an ass like that does anyone care what she says? I mean her ass could run for president and it would win since only white, male, land owners can vote… Huh? What? What the hell is the Emancipation Proclamation? Women’s Movement? Amendments? This all sounds very un-American.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Travel and Leisure Magazine Finds Philadelphia Residents Unattractive

Ummmmm...duh...

One and Done


In sports there are always favorites and underdogs. In both situations there is a lot of pressure. Pressure for the favorites to win championships, pressure for the underdogs to compete and to become a better team. Some times what one player or coach does in one place isn’t expectable in others. Joe Torre who won 4 World Series for his team and made the playoffs every year he managed basically got fired from the New York Yankees. If he coached in Houston or Tampa Bay, two teams that have never won a world series, this guy would have his job for the rest of his life.

Joe face unbelievable pressure to win in New York. The pressure that Joe faced was nothing compared the pressure that Greg Ryan faced as the coach of the Women’s Team USA Soccer coach (yes women play soccer, some look very hot doing it. Yes, others do look scary). Ryan coached the team for 2 years and his record during that time was 45-1-9. For those of you who do not watch sports or do not know what that means it stands for 45 wins, 1 loss, and 9 ties. He was fired this week. U.S. Soccer president Sunil Gulati (very American name) had this to say about the firing:

“I'm not going to point to any one factor or one individual decision,"

Sunil, you don’t have to point to anything. I think we can all guess why you fired him. Not for the 45 wins, not for the 9 ties but maybe just maybe for that 1 loss. Imagine getting fired for messing up one time at your job. On my first day of work I walked in to the kitchen and couldn’t figure out how to work the coffee machine. It is one of the weird ones with all the packets and options and stuff and junk. I accidentally got tea instead of coffee. Next day I would be on the damn unemployment line.

Honestly, I might be one of the only people to know that the Women’s World Cup was held last month. The World Cup happens every four years and different countries come together and play soccer. Soccer is a sport that you try to kick around ball into net. Still nothing? Oh well.

But still, all I am saying is give the guy a break, it isn’t like he made a pass at any of the girls on the team or calling the girls "bitches". No Isaiah I am not talking about you.

I love you Mia Hamm!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Racism or CPU Script Code Error...You be the Judge

Here I present a conversation with the AIM Bot SmarterChild. (Note: My Screen Name has been altered for privacy purposes)

Hot2Trot69
: Hey
SmarterChild: Hi again, Erik Shun.
9inchkiller754: Would you like to participate in a study funded by PESU?
SmarterChild: Interesting question.
XxiLoVeBoObsxX: Yes I feel so, would you like to begin?
SmarterChild: Would I? Yes, I think so.
KumGuzzler07: Do you speak Spanish?
SmarterChild: Um, let's see... donde est√° mi taco? Is that good? No, I mean, um... See, thing is, I don't really speak Spanish too well.
FiveKnuckleShuffle1982: Do you speak French?
SmarterChild: I know a little French. Let's see... um... Bonjour? Or, uh... Baguette?
Loves2Bukaki: Do you speak Italian?
SmarterChild: Let's see... I know a little Italian. Ciao bambino! Arrivederci! Cappuccino! Bene!
Shocker516: Are you a racist?
SmarterChild: I am definitely not prejudiced.
Cherry6Edible9Panties: Define African American
SmarterChild: Noun
A Black American of African ancestry. See Usage Note at black
4nalBeedsRFun: Define black
SmarterChild:
Adjective
1. Being of the color black, producing or reflecting comparatively
(skip some definitions)
6. Evil; wicked: the pirates' black deeds.
ReachAroundCity: Is it hard being racist?
SmarterChild: I don't think it's hard being racist. Not at the moment anyway.
Hey, what's going on tomorrow? Anything?
RustyTrombonePlayer: A lynching
SmarterChild: Would you like me to add the event "A lynching" on October 19th, 2007 to your planner?

This conversation is 100% true. Notice the racism that our children are being exposed to. The computer associates Spanish with tacos, French with baguettes, Italian with cappuccino, and African American with evil. Also, the computer seems to have no problem with the idea of a lynching occurring. Is this how we want our children to learn?
I propose a solution for all parents (including those who wrote the program code for smarterchild), if you want your children to grow up in a non-biased and anti-racist world…have them read PESU everyday.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

For Love or Football

Now, most men would read the title of this article and think "why can't it be both?" Because men love football. Baseball is the national passtime, but it hardly keeps you on the edge of your seat. They do have fantasy baseball, but you hafta pick players based on weird stats (like batting averages on a saturday in June) for you to gain points and win. But men relate most to football.
There's a certain struggle that comes along with football that mimics everyday life. Sometimes you have to grind the ball a few yards at a time to get where you're goin. Sometimes you make short-quick out-patterns to move down your day. And sometimes by the grace of God, you're given a hail-mary that comes outta nowhere and lets you score. There's also the defensive portion (often the more fun side, as in real football) where you don't hafta be calculating, and you're just in it to bend and not break, and knock the piss out of an adversary. And everyone's had that day where they think they've had it won in the last second, but that faggy (not bashing to gays, just faggy) head-coach on the other team called a time out as the ball was up and made you kick it again. So it should come as no surprise that men emulate football in their everyday lives... and football emulates man.

                       The Grinder                  The Show-Pony

For instance, the tandem running back situation was bound to rear it's head in the NFL. Why? Because that's what men do in real life. If you can find one man that hasn't put this into practice (or at least tried to and failed), then you are a liar. There are two kinds of backs:

The Show Pony- This back gets all of the first and second down carries, he's fun to pass to, and he's got the name on the team. He's your starter. He gets seen with the offense and, while not hitting the endzone everytime, he looks pretty with his moves and can sometimes break a long-ball.

The Grinder- This back is usually bigger, gets the ball in desperate times such as third-and-short or goaline situations, and just plain gets the job done. He ain't pretty, most people don't know his name, and he doesn't get a bit of respect outside the locker-room. But at the end of the night, he's usually good for a score or two.

Now, unless you're dense, you know where this is going. Women.

The Show Pony- This girl you take out to dinner, double-date with your friends, she's fun to pass to, and she's got the name that all your friends and family know. She's your starter. At the beginning of the night you text back and forth, then you start the slow progression to calling her, then you FINALLY find her where-ever she is, and spend all of your hard-earned cash and make an ass of yourself dancing with her, just so she can look pretty with her moves and SOMETIMES break a long-ball.

The Grinder - This girl is usually bigger, gets the call in desperate times, such as 3am-and-short or goaline situations, and just plain does the job. She ain't pretty, most people will never hear you admit you know her, and she doesn't get a bit of respect outside of the closest inner-sanctums of friends. But at the end of the night- she's usually good for a score or two.

God bless football.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Mission Accomplished


PESU has finally had a break through moment! After working on this site for about 3 months we have finally completed one item on a laundry list of goals. That’s right everyone, we are officially banned in China!!! PESU HAS BEEN CENSORED IN CHINA!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!

Ok I realize that out of all the countries China is probably the easiest to get banned from but still this is a dream that I never thought we would be able to reach. That means someone read our site, thought it was offensive and then decided that 1 billion people shouldn’t read it. Well I like to keep a positive outlook and say that leaves about 5.5 billion people in the world that can still read the quality articles posted on PESU.

Thanks to all of our fans who have helped us this first quarter. Your encouragement has really kept us going. Feel free to leave comments and vote on our polls. Thanks for reading; hopefully you will get some laughs out of PESU for sometime to come.
Johnny McNugget said...
Today (today oday day ay ay y) is the greatest (greatest reatest eatest atest test est st t)day (day ay y) of my life (life ife fe e). I would like to thank everyone who made this possible, Bill Gates: for being a nerd and rather than banging chicks he was home playing with his mouse, My Parents: for buying me an ill desktop computer without which I would never have spent countless hours wasting away on, G.I. Joe: for showing me that "knowing is half the battle", Ronald McDonald: for making amazing breakfast sambos, The people who work at Mast-Jägermeister AG: for getting through those times where I want to forget my problems and end up forgetting the entire night, and sometimes into the next morning (seriously thank you), Ottis Anderson: for leading the New York Giants to a Superbowl victory in 1990, and last, but certiantly not least the government of China: for having no sense of humor and the personality of a brick wall. Thank you.
(walks back up to mic)Oh yeah, and everyone here as PESU, you guys are the best I love you all, drinks are on me! (well the first round is anyway

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Ann Coulter's Secret Identity Exposed!



EXCITING NEWS ON THE PESU FRONT! WE HAVE A BREAKING STORY, THE FIRST OF ITS TYPE ON PESU. IT TURNS OUT THAT ANN COULTER HAS BEEN LIVING A SECRET DOUBLE LIFE (BOTH OF WHOM ARE CELEBS). IN THIS SHOCKING EXPOSE, I WILL EXPOSE THE ANN COULTER YOU NEVER KNEW YOU KNEW!!!

What started as a quiet evening of, um, investigatory journalism from an apartment that happened to be overlooking Ann Coulter's Manhattan condo, while I happened to be experimenting with a wide-lens camera (wow...a lot of things had to go right for this to happen), I happened to snap a picture of Ann without make-up.

What I saw surprised the ever-living shit out of me. It turns out that Ann Coulter is none other than:







ALICE COOPER!!! When this sharp-tongued poster child of the conservative party goes home, she/he wipes that eye liner off (or puts more on, I forget how this works) and rocks out to the music that he/she wrote from the early 60s through this millennium.

Man, she looks good for her age. If she wasn't such a bitch (and a man), I'd prolly nail her...

I hope you still have your survival packs from the Y2K scare.


Madonna is reportedly about to sign a 120 million dollar contract with Live Nation recording studio. 120 million… I haven’t seen such a waste of money since the iPhone… Oh got you Steve Jobs… FACEPUSH…

Madonna is like 60 years old, what the hell is she going to write about for her new songs? How technology scares her? How she loves her Life Alert necklace? I highly doubt “Like a Virgin” will sound that great coming from a woman with a walker and a crooked back. What has she done since… since… umm… kissing Brittney Spears?

Wait, what has Brittney Spears done since kissing Madonna? Got fat, walked in a public restroom without shoes on, got married, had two kids, got divorced, showed her vertical smile, shaved her head, went to rehab twice, attacked a car with an umbrella, lost her kids, stopped talking to her mom, looked lost and lazy eyed at the VMA’s…

Oh my god it is Kabbalah!! Run, hide, lock your doors, Kabbalah may be coming for you next!!! I hear it needs to drink the blood of a virgin, thank god I am safe. What! I am safe, I swear… I have totally done it before, like mad times, so many I can’t count. Seriously… Stop looking at me like that. Fine, I don’t care what you think… I REALLY DID!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

He really is just plan creepy.


When I was a child, the Internet was just in its beginning stages. No one knew the true possibilities it would provide: communication, online gambling and of course porn at the touch of a finger tip.

When I was a kid I would look at Victoria Secret catalogs, stay up late to catch a 2 second boob flash on late night HBO. I remember my first real run in with boobs, I will never forget that magical day.

It was just like any other day. I went to my best friend’s house and played G I Joes. We would each bring our figures and have a giant war. His older sister also happened to be in the room playing with her Barbies. Now I had seen Barbies before but since I am a boy and only have brothers I had never understood the full potential of the toy. When she changed that doll’s dress and her miraculous plastic tits shown to the world, like two large diamonds in the middle of a coal field, my life had completely changed. Ever since then I have a soft side for Barbie. She let me know that everything was going to be alright.

I have never told anyone about this fascination (until now), I have never invited anyone to marvel over Barbie’s mega mountains with me and I have never in a fit of rage and embarrassment cut up a Barbie and looked for a place to dump her plastic body. That means I have two things over Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen reportedly purchased a $6,000 full-sized, anatomically-correct cheerleader doll. He brought his Plastic Play Pal with him on the set of “Spin City” and spoke about “her” often. On one occasion he invited two women to have a foursome with him and his Silicon Soul Mate. The women laughed in his face. Charlie went berserk (great word so rarely get to use it) and took a meat cleaver to his Artificial Annabelle and chopped off her hands.

He then had his body guard help him wrap the doll in blankets and load the “body” in the trunk of his car. Wait his body guard touched that thing? Gross… They drove around until they found a dumpster to disregard the evidence.

This just in: Police found a body made out of plastic. They are looking for suspects; she was last seen, not in a dumpster and with Charlie Sheen and two females who were laughing. It would appear that the police suspect Sheen but no charges have been filed.

Jack Bauer going to Jail?


Some guy named Kiefer Sutherland plead no contest to his fourth DUI. The City Attorney’s Office is recommending that he goes to jail for 48 days. The weird thing is this guy looks a lot like Jack Bauer… But he can’t be, Jack Bauer kicks terrorist’s asses and sacrifices himself for the good of the nation. This guy just gets hammered and gets behind the wheel of a car. Plus this D-bag is covered in gay ass tattoos. Jack Bauer only has one tattoo and it says BMF (bad mother fucker) across his back.

Jack Bauer has no need to drive around in cars, sure he does on TV but that is only to make the show believable. The real Jack Bauer flies around in a chariot painted red, white and blue that is lead by 7 bald eagles. The real Jack Bauer is probably out there right now fighting Cobra Commander or the Shredder maybe even the Joker. Not sitting in a jail ceil sobering up.

This guy must be some futuristic robot sent to destroy Jack Bauer’s reputation. Oh man… this shit just got deep. That means some terrorist group built a time machine and a cybernetic organism that can mimic people and get drunk. It has got to be the Russians. Damn Ruskies!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Guns Don't Kill People...Hugs Do!

So like I don’t know if anyone out there is aware of this, but apparently an Illinois middle school wanted to teach its students history first hand by turning the school into Auschwitz for the year by outlawing hugging inside the school…yes hugging. I never knew hugging was on the same playing field as drugs, because both are outlawed in this middle school.

Why hugging was outlawed was not the result of what most of you are thinking (boys hugging girls and something growing which makes the girls feel uncomfortable…man the 5th grade was so awkward), but because kids were forming “hugging lines” which were “clogging up traffic” in the hallways. Uhm, isn’t it obvious to the administration that the kids were just following orders by using the “buddy system” which is still drilled into kids heads until they end high school, rather than deliberately trying to clog the traffic in the hallways. Also, the administration needs to stop referring to hallways as if they were the Holland Tunnel.

Also, I used my computer skillz AKA finding the schools webpage online; to help defend these poor kids and make sure they will always have their civil liberties in place. First of all, on the first day of school the administration passed out a list of school rules in which the students had to sign, and date, before the first full week of school started. On this list appeared many rules, but I will only use two of them for this case. The first rule stated “I will always act in ways that are safe”. Talk about sending duel messages, everyone knows the buddy system is as safe as Trojan Condoms (I believe its 99.9% safe). The second rule stated “I will treat other with respect and resolve differences verbally”. Well if hugging someone is wrong then I have been disrespecting my family and friend for 20 and some odd years now. Also, aren’t kids taught that after you resolve your difference you close it with a hug? What the hell are these people doing to these poor kids? These kids are being subjected to so many mixed messages that I wouldn’t be surprised if they wake up one day sleeping under their bed.

But it’s ok right, because the kids are the problem here, not those adults making the laws…right? Sigh, I wish life was so simple. After doing more research AKA clicking my mouse I stumbled upon something that clearly indicated that this would happen. On the date that the last Harry Potter book was to be released, the school held a “Harry Potter Day”, or as I like to call it “Big Pussy Day”. During this day the kids were encouraged to dress like Harry Potter, or like any other characters from the book such as Wizards, Witches, Mages, Knights, Dragons, and of course Han Solo (simply because he’s the man). The only logical thing to come out of this day was to, of course turn the kids into dorks, and thus form “Hug Lines” in the hallway. Man, if this isn’t the definition of the cause and effect relationship, I don’t know what is.

Guess!


Take a minute. Just look at this woman and take a guess why she is in the news. Umm… could it be because she is Crazy? DING DING DING. If you guessed crazy as well then you win a PESU bumper sticker!!!

Amanda Jane Darling Harris, 21 of Eagle Colo is accused of use of a deadly weapon, misdemeanor third-degree assault with a weapon, ethnic intimidation and harassment. What could she possibly have done to warrant these charges? Well, I hope you are wearing a seat belt because we are about to take a trip down Psycho Road then we are taking a left onto Head Case Blvd, then we are staying on that till we reach Loco Village.

Miss. Harris attacked children, ages range from 9 to 15, with an 18 inch samurai sword… WHAT!!! What were the children doing you ask? They were playing in the parking lot of the apartment complex they live in… Are you serious??? Did they hit her car? Did they throw rocks at her windows… nope they were playing.

As if this isn’t strange enough, the children, who are of Latin descent, not only had to run away from a crazy woman with a sword they were also being screamed at by Harris. Harris accused them of being illegal immigrants and said:

"If you're scared, then you're guilty."

Yup… definitely. You know what I wasn’t afraid of when I was 9… Crazy people carrying and swinging ninja swords at me.

Special Thanks: Kramer for sending me this link…

Disclaimer: You might never receive a PESU bumper sticker for your correct answer. Please don’t stop reading.